The Ranch (2016) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Are you serious? You saw Burt Reynolds in Garrison? Yep.
Saw him at the gas station.
I rolled up and I said, "Hey, Bandit.
Watch out for them smokies.
" He gave me the double-gun fingers, and went Hopped in his car and sped off.
Run on, Bandit, run.
Man, Burt Reynolds has the best mustache ever.
Says who? Hey, I saw Taylor Swift in a bar in Buffalo once.
- Did you talk to her? - Yeah, boy.
I went right up to her.
I said, "Hey, I'm Colt Bennett.
" She said, "Nice to meet you, Colt.
This is my friend, Leo.
He's gonna throw you out of here.
" Hey, still counts, though.
Yeah, boy.
I saw Paul Newman in a butcher shop in Denver once.
Bought a big rib eye.
Bone in.
That's a movie star.
Yeah.
Here's your burgers.
Oh.
Yeah, what is it this time? Vegetable, turkey or chicken? Never thought I'd root for chicken.
That's your grass-fed beef.
You've eaten nothing but veggie burgers in here for the last couple of weeks.
I figured you deserved a treat.
Either a treat or she's trying to kill you off faster.
Ha! Mmm.
I wasn't this happy on the day you were born.
- Hey, Colt.
- Oh, hey, Abby.
- Hi, Abby.
- Hey, guys.
Can I, uh, talk to you for a sec? - Yeah, sure.
- Great.
Don't worry, Colt.
I'll watch your beer.
Oh.
Always leaving us for a girl, huh? Don't talk to me.
I'm really sorry about the other night.
I probably shouldn't have mixed whiskey with nine more whiskeys.
Oh, it happens.
Hey, uh, just do me a favor.
Next time you're gonna try to kiss me, give me a heads up.
Oh, I can turn the charm down.
I can't turn it off, but I can turn it down.
What are you talking about? Oh Okay, the old "I was too drunk to remember.
" - Okay.
Been there.
- No.
FYI, that does not hold up in court.
I did not try to kiss you.
Uh yeah, you did.
You were on the couch and I come over and I said, "Are you okay?" And then you were like And I was like, "Whoa!" And you were like, "Aw!" And I was like, "Uh" And then you were like Are you serious? I tried to kiss you? Yeah.
But, I mean, in your defense this.
You know, here's the thing.
You didn't respect my relationship with Heather, which, I've been told by someone, is "super not cool.
" Wait, who was it? Oh, that was you! Oh, I guess that makes you the hypochondriac.
"Hypocrite.
" It's hypocrite.
Okay, I can make up words, too.
I can't believe I did that to Kenny.
All right, look it's not a big deal, okay? No one's judging you except me.
And God.
- Hey, Colt.
Hey.
- Oh, hey, Heather.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Phillips.
Do you have a designated driver or do you need me to call somebody? Thanks, I'm fine.
Yeah, that's exactly what you said right before you blew chow on my favorite Forever 21 shirt.
Okay, I need a drink.
Hey, Abby, make good choices.
God is watching.
- How you doing, Heather? - I'm bored.
Do you wanna go have sex in your car? Hell yeah! Ah! Shit! I don't have a car.
What about the bathroom? Ah, no doors on the stalls.
Been caught in there.
Me, too! - We're perfect for each other.
- Yeah.
You know there is one other option.
You ever do it in a trailer? Are you kidding? I was conceived in a trailer.
I lost my virginity in a trailer.
I had my first girl-on-girl in a trailer.
I had my first girl-on-girl in a trailer! Girl, why are we still talking? Come on! And you're sure that your mom doesn't care that we're in here? In my 34 years, I've never heard my mother say, "Do not have sex with Heather in my trailer.
" So, we are good.
Hey, how about some mood lighting? Ooh, you are so romantic.
You know it.
All right, where do you wanna bone? How about you do me on the kitchenette? "Bone" appétit.
Oh, this is great.
I was hoping I'd see you tonight, get myself a little early birthday present.
Oh, you got a birthday comin' up? Yeah, on Monday.
So what're you gettin' me? Start unwrapping.
- You are so hot.
- Mmm.
I want you.
Hey.
I know you've done it in a trailer before, but you ever do it on a kitchenette? I feel like my answer might just disappoint you.
- Is something burning? - Yeah, it is.
Oh, is that a good thing? Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, Heather! - No, there's a fire! What? Whoa! Oh, shit! - Oh! - Keep going.
Oh! Here, Colt! Oh.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, shit! So where were we? What the hell happened here? Well, as it turns out, uh, Heather here is a bit of a trailer enthusiast.
And when I told her that you had an Airstream, she got real excited.
So I brought her out here to show her and as we're approaching the trailer, she says, "I smell smoke.
" I smell bullshit.
What you smell is a hero.
'Cause I ran headlong into this aluminum inferno of death.
And then what happened, Colt? You two took off your clothes and you you threw them into the fire? I'm really sorry, Mrs.
Bennett.
Ah, it's all right, sweetie.
As long as you're okay.
Yeah, that's the important thing.
I mean, I not only saved your home, I saved an actual human life.
There's that bullshit again.
Could be worse.
Shouldn't take more than a week to repair the damage and air it out from the smoke.
I suppose I could stay with my friend, Barb.
Although she has that annoying wiener dog Dusty that keeps humping my leg.
"It means he likes you.
" It means you didn't train your damn dog, Barb.
You should just stay at the house, Ma.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Why? I mean, you're there all the time, anyway.
Right, Dad? Yeah, I suppose that makes sense.
You already got a spare toothbrush there, some clothes and that little kit you do your nails with.
Oh, uh, actually, that's mine.
But you're welcome to use it.
You sure you wanna date my sister? So what do you think, Beau? Stay at the house? I think it's settled.
We'll have even numbers again.
Two boys, two girls.
You are insane.
There's no way Johnnie Walker kicks Jack Daniels' ass.
Why not? 'Cause Johnnie Walker's a weak-ass bitch.
Walking around with that top hat and cane.
Please, man.
He's from Scotland.
Them boys know how to fight.
You ever seen Braveheart? You don't mess with Mel Gibson.
Especially if you're Jewish.
Hey, you know who'd kick both their asses? Jose Cuervo.
Yeah, every time I mess with him, he kicks my ass.
Rooster, I need to talk to your brother.
Sweet.
I'll be in the kitchen, pretending not to listen.
Okay, is this about the "Hillary" bumper sticker on your tractor? 'Cause if it is, that was Rooster's idea.
Don't offer up my house to anybody without asking me first.
Okay.
Uh, well, it wasn't anybody, it was Mom.
Especially your mother.
If I'da wanted her here, I'd have asked her myself.
That's right, Colt.
You idiot.
Listen, I I didn't think it was a big deal, especially since you guys are getting along so good.
We are and that's why I don't wanna change anything.
All right.
Well, I'm sorry, I screwed up.
He didn't mean it.
Kick his ass, Daddy.
- Hey, Colt.
- Hi, Mom.
Uh Dad's real excited you're here.
I'm gonna step on inside.
Are you sure about this? Nope.
Are you? No.
All right, then.
Come on in.
And welcome back to Cook-a-doodle-do with your host Rooster Bennett.
Our next question comes from Tim in Arapahoe.
"Dear Rooster, how do you get your scrambled eggs so light and fluffy? P.
S.
Your beard is super kick-ass.
" Well, thank you, Tim.
And here's the deal.
Making scrambled eggs is like making love to a beautiful woman.
You wanna be gentle, you wanna take your time, you wanna make it last, but most importantly you wanna use a shit-ton of butter.
Hey.
So that's why there's a tub of margarine in your room.
Why the hell are you talking to yourself? Well, you were gone for a long time and Dad doesn't talk.
Got to adapt or die.
Oh, where is Mom and Dad? I don't know, man.
I'm not keeping track.
I'm just making eggs and doing my show.
Oh.
Word to the wise, next week is my south-of-the-border episode, "Hello, Chorizo.
" Let me ask you something.
Should I get a birthday gift for Heather? Why the hell would you do that? She's not your girlfriend.
You're just having sex with her.
It's like, did I get a baby shower gift for Pregnant Linda? Of course not, man.
It's not my kid.
I'm just having sex with her.
When it comes to stuff like this I have a system.
It's too late to stop you, isn't it? I like to break up with a girl right after Thanksgiving.
You know, avoid all that holiday gift trouble.
Then, the day after Christmas, I pick up some girl whose asshole boyfriend dumped her to avoid getting her a gift.
Now, tricky part is is getting out before Valentine's Day.
So what I like to do is start a fight at the Super Bowl party.
You know, something like "Hey, your sister get some new titties?" You're the worst person I've ever met.
Thank you.
Good morning, boys.
- Morning, Mom.
- Hey, Ma.
Hey, where's Dad? Is he still sleeping? Oh, God, no.
He went to work extra early this morning.
I think he's avoiding me.
Really? What's your secret? I think I should just go to Barb's.
Let that little dog mess around on my leg for a while, maybe it'll lose interest.
To be fair, Dad's not gonna show as much enthusiasm as Barb's dog.
But wouldn't it be kind of weird if he did? I just feel like he doesn't want me around.
Mom, I had the same problem with Dad when I came back.
Don't worry, he'll warm up to you in I'll let you know.
Where the hell is all the margarine? Oh.
Hey, Dad, I was thinking Will you stop? Stop thinking.
Stop talking.
How about I meet you halfway and talk without thinking? You know, Colt, I had a long day.
All I wanna do is sit down and watch the game.
Beau, is that you? I need to talk to you.
Are you happy? I ain't been happy in years, Dad.
You taught me well.
Oh! Look at that.
Touchdown.
Have fun talking to Mom.
- Maggie? - Hey.
What are you doing? Do you really think candles are a wise choice based on your recent history? Look, I I know we both have trepidations about me staying here.
I just thought maybe we could have some fun.
Like what? I don't know.
We used to like to go dancing together.
That's true.
So why don't we go dancing? I thought you had to work tonight.
I got Maria to cover for me.
I wanted to spend the night with you.
This next question is very important.
Are the boys coming? It is date night.
I don't know, Mags.
I've had a long day and I don't even remember how to dance.
Come on.
Shh.
Just dance.
There you go.
You see, you remember how.
Smiling? Is Beau Bennett smiling? When you dance this good, you can't help but smile.
This is nice.
It is nice.
Thank you.
I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna take a shower.
That would probably be good.
You wanna join me? - Save water.
- Yeah.
Bennett takes the snap.
He drops back.
He's got a receiver open over the middle.
He throws! Touchdown! What's that? There's a flag on the play! Well, but it's declined 'cause it's just for excessive handsomeness.
- Hey, Colt.
- Hey, Abby.
What you doing here? Well, I heard your mom needed new drapes, so Kenny got these from his hotel.
Can't use them 'cause they don't match the carpet.
Just to be clear, Kenny's carpet don't match his Don't.
No, don't, don't, don't - Here.
- Oh, thank you.
Listen, can I ask you something? Look, Abby, no matter how many times you ask, I'm not gonna make out with you.
That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.
Oh.
Did you tell anyone about the other night? - I put it on Facebook.
- What? - I snapchatted it.
- No, you didn't.
- I tweeted it.
- No! No, I didn't do it.
No, of course not.
- I would never do something like that.
- Okay.
My lips are sealed.
Unless you try to pry 'em open with your tongue again.
Just, Kenny was acting weird.
You know, we went to dinner the other night and when the waitress came up and she said, "Hi, I'm Stephanie.
I'm gonna be your waitress," he didn't say, "Hi, I'm Kenny, and I'm gonna be your customer.
" It's his favorite joke.
Oh okay.
So, these drapes aren't for my mom.
They're to keep me quiet.
They're hush drapes.
Yeah.
Well, I appreciate you being so cool about this.
Yeah.
Hey, you know what? I got a question for you.
Listen, no matter how many times you ask me, I'm not gonna make out with you.
Come on.
Well, uh, seriously, though.
All right, so, if you're in, like, a casual relationship - Mmm-hmm.
- are you obligated to get someone a birthday present? Yes, I think you should buy Heather a birthday gift.
No, come on.
No, this is not what you think.
I mean, we're just having fun, fooling around.
Rooster said I didn't have to get her a present.
Ooh.
Taking relationship advice from that guy? He dumped my friend Sharon four days before Christmas.
Oh, that's cutting it close.
She must have been hot.
Just don't make the same mistake you did with me.
What are you talking about? I gave presents all the time.
Yeah.
For Christmas one year, you got me a Broncos T-shirt from the gas station.
Whoa, whoa.
That was a commemorative John Elway retirement shirt jersey.
Limited edition.
Exclusive to Chevron.
Must be why there was only triple-XLs left.
Yeah, the same size as my love for you.
And what about that birthday? When you made me that coupon book for free massages because you clearly forgot - to get me anything else.
- Look, I did not forget.
On the way to dinner, you asked me how to spell "massages.
" It's a complicated word.
It's real close to "messages.
" - Oh, boy.
- Hey, look.
Seriously, though, what should I get her? Hmm what would someone her age want? Ooh! You could take her to the mall and get her ears pierced.
Shut up.
And then you guys could get a Happy Meal.
Very funny.
Hey, um do you wanna make out? Get out.
No! What's a bag of weed doing in the vegetable crisper? Well, I told Dad it was kale.
That way I knew he'd never touch it.
And how do you know it isn't, Mother? 'Cause I grow kale in my garden.
Maybe next time I come by the bar, we'll smoke a salad together.
Hey, Ma.
Your trailer is as good as new.
Actually, it's better than new.
I bought you a little gift.
My way of saying I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna tell you what it is.
Is it a toaster? Come on.
How did you know that? 'Cause my credit card had a charge for a toaster.
- Brisket's ready.
- Ooh! Oh, so is the salad.
Good, I can use it to garnish my meat.
All right.
You don't have to eat any salad.
I'm not gonna ruin our first family dinner in ten years.
It's just red meat twice this week, Beau.
Next Sunday we can smoke a tofu.
Or we can just smoke some kale.
Dad's brisket.
That's the best meal on the entire planet.
And I know 'cause I've lived in a lot of big cities.
Orlando and Saskatchewan.
I get the end piece.
Uh, then I get the bigger one.
The hell you do.
I should get the other one then 'cause I'm older.
Well, I'm better looking.
I'm not willing to concede that but I also don't see how that's related.
Thank you for this wonderful meal we're about to eat.
It's been a long time since the four of us sat down like this together and I'm grateful to you for allowing that to happen.
May the sun shine, the rain fall, the grass grow, and the herd stay healthy.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Mom! - Mom! Whatever, I gave you both life.
Wow.
What a beautiful, clear night.
God, I can see every star.
And every government satellite.
I bet they're looking at us right now.
Well, come on, let's give 'em a show.
Ah, Maggie You know, you coming back here turned out to be a pretty good thing.
It did.
I was worried for nothing.
Me, too.
What do you say we do it permanently? What? Move back in, Mags.
Okay, probably had enough of this.
I'm serious.
I mean, there's no reason you should move back to that Airstream when you ought to be living here.
Beau, I'm not sure that Listen to me.
We've been going in this direction for a while now.
I mean, things have been really good since Colt came back.
Didn't think I'd ever hear myself saying that.
I mean, you're right.
Things have been really great, so let's not do anything to screw it up.
I've been afraid of that, too, but you know, these last few days have been some of the best days we've ever had.
Yeah, but, just because they've been great lately, uh, it doesn't mean that everything between us is fixed.
So move in and we'll fix it together.
Oh, it's not that simple.
Well, it can be.
It's either a yes or a no.
Oh, see, that's how it is with you, Beau.
Your whole world is black and white.
So is that a yes or a no? You gonna make me do this? Yes.
Then no.
Did you get all that? Oh! Shit.
- Hey, Colt.
- Hey! The baby's sleeping.
- You have a baby? - Yeah, I didn't tell you? That's not a deal breaker, is it? I mean Well - Colt, I'm messing with you.
- Oh.
It's my sister's.
I just babysit every Sunday so she and my ex-husband can have a conjugal visit.
Uh, so your sister and your ex-husband who's in jail for Oh, my God, you're so gullible.
- Please sit down.
- Oh, yeah.
So, what's going on? Um uh, I just wanted to come by and wish you an early happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
You got any big plans? Yeah, I'm going out to Telluride to do the birthday circuit.
Free appetizers at Applebee's, free dinner at Denny's, free dessert at TGI Fridays and then free drinks all night long at Chili's.
Oh, and I get a Bloomin' Onion from Outback.
I just don't know if we'll have time.
They give you free drinks at Chili's on your birthday? Oh, no, my friend Lizzie works there.
She's dating the manager.
He's married.
She gets away with whatever she wants.
Okay.
Well, hey, I, uh I wanted to stop by and give you this.
Oh, my God, Colt.
You did not need to do that.
Apparently, I did.
This is my favorite store.
They usually give you a balloon, though.
Yeah, yeah, they were all out.
I'm gonna rip 'em a new one on Yelp.
Oh, my God, Colt.
That's beautiful.
Well, keep digging.
There's a coupon book in there.
"One free message"? That's supposed to be Damn it! "One free lingerie removal.
" Yeah.
Well, that's not "limit one per customer.
" So, is it my birthday or yours? But, really, I I appreciate you thinking of me.
Yeah.
I didn't know we were at this stage.
Stage? Yeah, of our relationship.
Relationship? Yeah, I totally wasn't expecting a gift.
Uh Hey, did your sister get some new titties? Oh.
You dead? Okay.
What are you doin' up? Mom went back to the Airstream.
Oh Well, what happened? I asked her to move in.
She said no.
You wanna talk about it? Nope.
Dad I've been here through all the stuff with you guys and I know it makes you uncomfortable to hear, but I do love you.
And I love Mom.
And nothing would make me happier than to see you guys work it out.
But if that's not gonna happen I'd like to at least see you guys stop hurting each other.
Well, that just seems to be me and your mom.
Then maybe it's time to move on.
She's my wife, son.
Yeah.
Well, we're here for you, whatever you decide to do.
Or at least I am.
I don't know where the fuck Colt is.
I don't know what to do.
I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I think you could use a little kale.