The Real O'Neals (2016) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Kenny: I really love my dad and brother, but sometimes I don't fully understand their male-bonding rituals, especially this one.
- Boy battle! - Boy battle! Let's go.
Come on! Pat: How are you gonna win regionals next week if you don't know the fundamentals? Some of the rituals are just too gay, even for me.
Okay, if purple nurples are legal Aah! Oh, god! Ah! Jimmy, listen, that's enough! Hey, hey, hey! Take your fight club down to your divorce apartment.
I'm sorry I fought for that, 'cause it really sounds weird.
Let's just call it a basement.
Also, I was cleaning out the garage.
What would you like me to do with this tent? [Chuckling.]
Look at that.
This is the tent I bought when you were born so I could take you camping.
Huh.
I don't remember that.
Well, again, you were just born.
Well, what do you say, Jimmy? You want to take her out this weekend, break it in? Can we use leaves as toilet paper? - [Chuckles.]
- I've always wanted to try that.
Oh, of course we can, but not all of them.
Remember, "leaves of three, let them be," especially when it comes to your butt.
That's very good advice, Pat.
Also, if a grizzly bear attacks, don't run.
Just puff yourself up to make yourself look bigger.
Have fun.
Well, this is gonna be great, huh? Start a new tradition with the O'Neal men.
[Clears throat.]
Aren't you forgetting something? Oh, good call, Kenny.
Eileen, could you make us some sandwiches? Eileen: Uh, real men make their own sandwiches! That's not why I went "ahem.
" I went "ahem" because if you're going on a father/son camping trip, shouldn't you take all of your sons? [Both laugh.]
[Laughs.]
What's so funny? Kenny, come on.
You hate nature.
I do not.
Don't you remember what happened when you went to the butterfly sanctuary? Woman: There, on that young man's shoulder, is the very rare incandescent luna moth.
Only 30 of them exist in the United States.
[Screams.]
My point is, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I can't do man things, you know? Like bonding with my brother and my dad on a camping trip.
I mean, "Into the Woods" is one of my favorite musicals.
Listen, if this is something you really want to do, of course you can come.
Come on.
First job take that tent outside, - make sure it's got a rain fly.
- Rain?! [Clears throat.]
You think it might rain? Okay, I'm off to confirmation class.
Your last one.
It's really not that big of a deal, Mom.
It's the biggest deal.
In just a week, the archbishop will confirm you as an adult member of the church.
My little Catholic girl is becoming a little Catholic woman.
Well, I'm gonna grab a little Catholic apple.
You want to get some coverage of that, too? Don't be ridiculous.
Of course I do.
Hold it up.
[Camera shutter clicks.]
[Sighs.]
Where's Kenny? Do you think he changed his mind? Kenny: He most certainly did not! It's the final countdown The final countdown What's up, muchachos? Kenny, we're going for one night, not one lifetime.
I know.
I know this seems like a lot, but last night, I watched a wilderness expert demonstrate the ins and outs of outdoor survival.
- Bear Grylls? - Reese Witherspoon.
I watched "Wild" twice.
So, anything we might need is in these three bags.
Oh, hey, who wants a luna bar? "Whole nutrition bar for women"? Yeah, I know.
I looked at the packaging and saw a moon, and I thought "camping!" Kenny, you can't take all these bags.
Pick one.
Come on, but the these bags contain the necessary tools for survival.
[Whirring.]
We really need this? I don't know how you're gonna make a cappuccino without foam, but, sure, I guess we're the Donner Party.
[Door opens.]
Feel my hands.
Feel how soft my hands are.
Why are they so spongy? Because of the dead sea mineral mud.
It's in the lotion my boyfriend, Yossi, sells at his kiosk in the mall.
Well, hopefully he treats you better than the guy who sells pillow pets at his kiosk in the mall.
I can't help it.
I have a type.
Which dress do you like better? I'm not sure how to say this, but trying to dress younger than your age always backfires.
- Remember my overalls? - I'll never forget.
You weren't wearing a shirt underneath.
No, the dress isn't for me.
It's for Shannon's confirmation.
She's at her last class right now.
I hate to break it to you, but I just saw her at the mall.
Oh, I seriously doubt that.
It's probably just someone who looks like Shannon.
No, I said, "Hi, Shannon.
" She said, "Hey, Aunt Jodi.
" And then I tried to sell her some lotion.
What? I'm sorry, but Yossi had to go to the bathroom, and I offered to watch his kiosk.
I mean, he's all alone out there! Oh, you're talking about the Shannon thing.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's not good.
Jimmy: Ugh, it's so hot out! I can feel the sweat pooling in my belly button! I don't know why you chose to wear jeans on a hike, denim being one of the least breathable fabrics.
I compensated with these flip-flops, one of the most breathable shoes.
How you holding up back there, Kenny? Doing all right with that monster bag of yours? Mm.
I infused my water with lemon and cucumber.
Now, if "Wild" taught us anything, it's that we are all capable of more than we think.
Also, don't do heroin in an alleyway or someone might steal your wallet.
Ah, damn it! I blew a flip-flop.
[Sighs.]
Why would you wear those hiking? You said that we were camping, which means that we sleep in a tent and we eat beans and then we go home.
Not to worry I have an extra pair of Timberlands in my bag.
What? You brought an extra pair of hiking boots? Yeah, I didn't want to end up like Reese, you know, when her toenail falls off and then she throws her shoe in the canyon.
And then she screams because it reminds her of shooting a horse.
Didn't really get that part.
Well, hey, thank goodness Kenny's prepared.
Hate to risk your feet with the regionals next week.
Oh, that reminds me.
I was gonna save this until later, but - [Chuckles.]
- [Chuckles.]
I have so many questions.
Um I mean, most of them start with Why? Well, they're for your meet.
I got them made for the entire family.
So, if you can't wrestle 'cause you hurt yourself hiking, I'm just gonna be a guy with a boy on his shirt.
A boy in a leotard.
But that's not gonna happen, thanks to Kenny.
You're really turning into quite the outdoorsman.
Well, out of the closet and Into the woods How was confirmation class? Oh, you know, just the father and the son and the holy spirit.
The uszh.
I know you weren't in class.
Aunt Jodi said she saw you at the mall.
Do you trust that Yossi guy? 'Cause I'm pretty sure that dead sea lotion comes from a dirt lot in Naperville.
Do not change the subject.
Why were you not at confirmation class? Because I don't want to get confirmed.
Shannon, this is not your choice.
Actually, it is my choice.
Confirmation is supposed to be the first adult decision I make in the church.
And before I make that decision, I have some questions.
Fine.
What do you want to know? Well, to begin with, if the first two people were Adam and Eve, where did Cain and Abel get their wives? I am sick of this sass.
That's it.
Do I need to bring in the special forces? Do you want me to call Father Phil? Mm, not especially, but you just have to do what's right for you.
And that was shade, not sass.
Oh.
[Upbeat tune plays.]
Oh! [Chuckles.]
Well, thanks for bringing this, Kenny.
Gosh, I never even knew there was such a thing as a collapsible banjo.
Yeah, saw it on "Shark Tank.
" Mark Cuban shot it down, but I believe in it.
Me too.
Well, nature calls.
[Groans.]
If I scream once, I need more leaves, and if I scream twice, there's a bear.
Your extra-credit hiking boots are killing my feet.
Oh, well, I have Epsom salts, moleskin.
I may even have an extra pair of gel inserts in my bag if you want me Okay, we get it.
You're the best camper in the world.
Okay, will you please just slow your roll a little bit? - You're making me look bad.
- I'm sorry.
I'm not I'm not trying to make you look bad.
I'm trying to make me look good.
Look, I want to be a part of all the O'Neal men traditions.
You know, boy battles, nipple pinchin'.
This trip wasn't about you proving your manhood.
It was a chance for me to soften up Dad for the news I'm about to drop.
What is it? I'm gonna tell you, but you have to promise not to tell Dad.
I promise.
I quit wrestling.
You what? I quit the team.
There are no regionals next week.
Uh, there are.
I am just not in them.
Jimmy, wrestling is your whole entire life.
And Dad's.
He is making some very, very poor fashion decisions based on it.
- This is going to kill him.
- I know! That's why I haven't told him yet.
But thank you for for spelling it out for me.
I'm sorry, but I have something that is going to cheer you up.
[Banjo music plays.]
You brought hot chocolate? Actually It's Mexican drinking cho you know what? Just [Clears throat.]
why don't you enjoy that? - Don't forget your garnish.
- No.
I like sandwiches! Good morning, camper.
It is 6:30.
Yeah.
Up and at 'em.
This is balls.
Camping sucks.
This is worse than "Naked and Afraid.
" I'm just I'm cold and I'm very frustrated.
So, while I was meditating with the sunrise, I was thinking, you should just tell Dad the truth about wrestling.
I have a better idea.
Last night, while I was tossing and turning, I came up with a brilliant plan.
I am going to physically injure myself.
- What? - Dad said so himself.
If I'm hurt, I can't camp and I can't wrestle.
It's a one-two punch.
It's two birds, one stone.
It's two for the money! Bang, bang! Did you eat those berries I told you to put down? Of course I did, and they were delicious.
The points is, is that I'm not gonna do anything permanent.
You know, just something that takes two weeks to heal, and then wresting season will be over.
I have 10 toes.
That's, like Eight more than I need.
- No - Let's go, boys! - Tough day ahead! - Okay, no, Jimmy.
You need your toes.
You need all of your toes.
- Just tell Dad the truth.
- I'm sorry, Kenny.
I know you love my toes, but they got to go.
Thank you so much for coming, Father Phil.
Oh, my pleasure.
I actually like making house calls.
It's fun to walk down the street in my priest outfit.
[Chuckles.]
Oh.
Well, I had to do something.
It's my responsibility as her mother to make sure this confirmation happens.
After that, she can send herself to hell.
Well, rest assured, Eileen.
I've talked to grooms with cold feet, grieving widows.
I even had a walk-on part as a chaplain on "Chicago P.
D.
" So a doubting teenager is a piece of cake.
Oh, I hope so.
I've succeeded in getting two Catholics confirmed, but this third one is teetering on the brink.
Yeah, I said I've got it.
Go forth, Father.
Come on back down if you need me.
I don't think I will.
- Okay.
- [Sighs.]
- Thank you! - Enough! Look, my Mom inviting you over is a little too "Exorcist" for my taste, but I have questions and no one is willing to answer them.
Well, that's what I'm here for.
Now, what are you curious about? Is it the immaculate conception? Because a lot of people confuse that with the virgin birth.
No, that's kid stuff.
Let's not waste each other's time.
What I'm curious about is the pope.
Well, fire away.
How can a group of fallible men elect a fallible man as their leader who then becomes infallible through the election? [Chuckles.]
The pope is only infallible in matters of faith and morals when he's speaking ex cathedra.
Well, that seems like cherry-picking, but fine.
Next question if all God's children are created equal, how come that infallible man can't be a woman? This is why I chose a profession where I couldn't have children.
All right, you guys hang out here for a second.
I'm gonna go see if I can spot Shadow Lake from up there.
Oh, hey, Kenny, you didn't happen to bring any That's my boy.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Which one of these rocks looks like it'll cause the most amount of injury but the least amount of pain? Just stop.
Stop.
Breaking your toe is not the answer.
This is the part in "Wild" where Reese sees the fox but it's not really there.
It's not there, Jimmy! I'm sick of being held to an impossible standard! I'm I'm not a champion wrestler.
I'm not Reese Witherspoon.
[Sighs.]
This is it.
This is definitely the one.
Okay, go distract Dad while I drop this on my toe.
[Sighs.]
I always assumed my straight brother had an easier time bonding with my dad, but maybe it was harder because the bar was so much higher.
I'm gonna get you home with all your toes.
How are how? By setting gay people back a hundred years.
Dad! I can't do this! My calves are cramping, and I'm missing a "Housewives" reunion.
I just I can't carry this bag another step.
I need to go home.
What? But you were doing so great.
I'm sorry.
I hope you're not too disappointed.
I'm not disappointed.
I'm proud of how much you've done and that you were willing to even give it a go.
Thanks.
Well, guess there's only one thing to do.
- Go home? - I'm gonna name a toe after you.
No, nobody's going home.
Jimmy, you're gonna have to carry Kenny's pack.
- O'Neal men don't quit.
- No, no, I don't think that's No, he'll be fine.
Don't worry about him.
It'll build up his endurance.
It's a win-win.
Two birds, one stone.
Two for the money.
Bang, bang! I'm so sorry.
[Grunts.]
What do you have in here, rocks? Aw, come on.
I don't want to hear any belly-aching, Jimmy.
This is gonna be great training for your meet next week.
And if you win, you're on to state.
I already got a great idea for the shirts, too.
It's gonna be a picture of Jimmy wearing the shirt on the shirt.
Okay, stop making shirts! I I quit the wrestling team.
What? When? - Last week.
- Well, then there's still time, 'cause you're gonna go back to that coach on Monday, tell him you made a mistake, and ask him to get back on that team.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
- I hate wrestling.
- What? And also, camping sucks and should involve way less walking.
Oh! Oh! And by the way, Kenny was pretending to be weak.
He is a he is a very macho homosexual camper.
[Mumbling.]
How'd it go? Uh, uh, not well.
Uh, Sh-Shannon has a lot of difficult questions.
But isn't it your job to have the answers? I mean, isn't that why I asked you over here? Isn't that what you promised me you'd do? Enough with the questions.
You both are relentless.
I have to go.
I'm sorry.
But you said it'd be a piece of cake.
What about the grieving widows? What about "Chicago P.
D.
"? I was cut, okay?! I looked in the lens! Shannon, I don't know what you asked Father Phil, but he ran out of here like he'd seen the devil.
Shannon? Where did she get a fire ladder? That's so well-anchored.
Shannon, it's your mother.
I have left several messages, and I think I tweeted at you.
What is the point having a cellphone - if you don't answer or call me back? - [Beep.]
Oh, someone's calling.
Oh, fish! It's Jodi.
Hang on.
Jodi, what is it? There's an emergency.
Shannon's run away from home, and she's abandoned her faith and her family, and I have no idea where she is.
I just saw your tweet.
She's at the mall again, and she just sold me a Pretzel.
What? What are you talking about? She works at Tilly's Pretzels.
Apparently, that's why she was here yesterday.
She has a job? She's 14 years old.
She makes pretzels like a 20-year-old.
Maybe you should come by and get her, and then you can meet Yossi while you're here.
He's having a great deal on hand lotion.
It's only 99 bucks a bottle.
If you buy one at full price first.
No, I'd rather wait for her here.
And I need to see if it sticks with Yossi before I buy any product.
[Brakes squeal.]
Look, I know this male-bonding trip sucked for you guys, but I have to say, it was a personal triumph for me.
I'm gonna press these wild flowers in a memory book.
[Sighs.]
Okay, why don't you two stop acting so macho and actually talk? Fine.
Jimmy, are you ready to talk yet? No, I'm not.
See what I'm dealing with? I'm gonna go watch the bulls in my divorce apartment I mean my basement! As annoying as I found their straight-male rituals, there was only one way to fix this.
Boy battle! [Europe's "The Final Countdown" plays.]
Boy battle? Boy battle.
Straight guys are so simple.
[Laughs.]
See? You love this.
Why on earth would you want to give it up? Because you put too much pressure on it.
Me being a wrestler is the only thing you care about.
What? That's what you really think? Yeah.
You even took me on a camping trip, and all you could talk about was the match.
I took you on a camping trip because you're my son and I like to spend time with you.
And, sure, I like that you're a wrestler.
- I enjoy going to your matches.
- Enjoy? You had t-shirts printed for the whole family with my body on it.
I mean, I look good.
Well, listen, if I'm pressuring you, it's because you're really good at wrestling and I think that's your ticket into college.
So I can be a wrestler in college? No, so you can be in college.
I don't know if you pay attention when your grades come out, but you get what we generously call an athlete's report card.
So, you really wanted me to wrestle for me, not for you? Look, as far as I'm concerned, once you get into college, I don't care if you ever wrap your arms around another man ever again.
Unless, of course, it's to give your old man a hug.
[Sighs.]
Come on.
Attaboy.
[Chuckles.]
See? That's much bet Aah! Oh.
I'll think about it.
[Groaning.]
Why do I keep my keys in my back pocket? Ohh.
All right, let's just get this over with.
So, is this how it's gonna be between us? One day, your father will move out, Jimmy will move out, Kenny will move out, and suddenly I'm just renting a room to a lying pretzel maker.
Look, I'm sorry I lied to you, Mom, but I knew you wouldn't let me have the job.
All this time, I thought you were in confirmation class, taking a step towards adulthood.
I am taking a step toward adulthood.
I've been working.
I was there for less than two weeks, and they made me shift manager.
I have the combination to the safe.
Look, Shannon, I don't know what else to do.
Your being confirmed is very important to me.
Isn't that reason enough to do it? I love going to church as a family, but I also have a questioning mind, and it's hard for me to believe in things I don't see.
That's why I love my job.
I know what I'm doing, I know why I'm doing it, and I know who I'm working for.
Okay, then let me ask you a question.
- Have you met Tilly? - No.
And yet you trust that at the end of the week, this Tilly lady will write you a check for all the hard work you've done.
And then you take that check and you deposit it in a bank and trust that they'll keep it for you.
That's faith.
Well, actually, Tilly sold the company to a private equity firm in 2007, but I get what you're saying.
I guess if I can give our failed banking system so much leeway, maybe I could do the same for god.
You're smarter than most people.
You get that from me.
So, I'm not gonna make you get confirmed, and I'm not gonna make you quit your job.
I'm gonna trust in your maturity to make the right decision.
I mean, you bought yourself a fire ladder.
I bought fire ladders for the whole family.
There's one under each of your beds.
You people never plan for disaster.
Hey.
Where you off to? - Wrestling practice.
- Really? It is a good path to college, and it's easier.
School is hard.
Where you off to? Confirmation class.
Really? I figured when it comes to god, it's like putting your fingers anywhere near the pretzel-dough cutters.
Better to be safe than sorry.
[Door opens, closes.]
[Clears throat.]
Are you both crying? Seriously, you guys need to man up.
[Burps.]
Okay, so I think the horse might represent Reese's lost innocence.
- Mm-hmm.
- She's hot.
She just lost her toenail and she's crying.
Well, she's hot when she cries.
- Dad, please help me out here.
- Well, she is pretty fit.
She's been hiking for months, and, you know, she did a lot of heroin before that, so, yeah, she's gonna be slim.
Oh, she's finally gonna take a shower.
- [Sighs.]
- Good for her.
Yeah, we get to see Reese's pieces.
No, male bonding is overrated.
- Hey! - Come here.
- What are you doing? - [Chuckles.]
Get off of me! Get off of me! I don't boy battle!