The Royals (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Royals - Oh, daisies.
- I always think of you when I see them.
I was just wondering what my life would have been like had my mother not pushed me into marrying Simon.
Attempting to kill the Duke of York? Why, that's treason.
The King goes on walks sometimes.
I want you to find out where he goes.
It's a much better option than prison.
We all keep our secrets but inevitably our secrets keep us.
- I’ll be watching you, bodyguard.
- There is no video.
You son of a bitch.
Your mother hates her.
The press will eat her alive.
And the public will never accept an American as their queen.
We're going to Monaco for the weekend.
I want you come with me.
- OK.
Yep.
- Yeah.
Ooh Aah Oh I That is not entirely unpleasant.
Just hurry up before we create, like, an international incident.
- Anything else? - Mm hm hm.
Goodness sake, I'm not George Michael.
Oh, fff Ooh I-low does this sound? Flying to Monaco for the weekend with Liam, don't worry.
Using protection? Ugh.
No matter what I tell my dad, he's gonna lose his mind.
International customs.
Just need to inspect your cargo.
Ooh! I wouldn't do that if were you.
This, gentlemen, as clearly marked, is the diplomatic bag.
As co-defined in article 27 of the 1961 Vienna convention of diplomatic relations, this bag has diplomatic immunity from search or seizure.
You can't touch it.
You can't look inside it.
And you certainly can't seize it.
But if you could, you might find a loaded firearm, several sex toys, innumerable drugs including but not limited to a pound of marijuana, a brick of cocaine, ecstasy, Adderall, Ambien, but like I said, you are not allowed to look in it.
Off you go.
You know you cows could have just put your drugs in the diplomatic bag rather than up your bums.
We know.
Ooh Aah - I thought you were still in Fiji.
- Toronto.
It's quiet.
The children have gone to Monaco for the Weekend.
There was a time when you were actually happy to see me.
There was a time when you would have brought me flowers.
Besides missing someone is difficult.
- And far too distracting.
- Distracting from what? Being the Queen of England.
- This place is amazing.
- Yeah.
We've been coming here since I was born.
Love it here.
Oh! I get the master.
- Bagsy.
- Ugh, damn it! So I know when we met, I seemed all casual about hooking up.
You have your own room next to mine.
I didn't want to be presumptuous.
Not being presumptuous is sexy.
- Oh-ooh.
- Get on the bed.
- On your back.
- What are you doing? - What are you doing? - What are you? Hello, Jasper.
Thank you for admitting that you never actually had a sex-tape of me at all.
Now you do.
Great.
You're welcome.
Hey.
Hi, Lenny.
Just one It's open.
Ow.
- What is he doing here? - Who? - Who? You know Who! Beck! - Thought it would make you happy.
Oh, you thought it would make me happy, did you? Ooh! - Very nice.
Hey.
Beck, yeah It's so good to, er, seeing you.
Good to seeing you too.
- Good to seeing you too, Beck.
- See you later.
- Yeah.
You're like a 12 year old girl around him.
I hate you times infinity.
Hello, Jasper.
Thank you for admitting that you never actually had a sex-tape of me.
Now you do.
Looking for something? Your Majesty.
I understand you requested a transfer.
Any particular reason? - No, Ma'am.
- Good.
Because you've been transferred to me.
You're mine now, Jasper from Shoreditch.
- It would be my pleasure, Your Majesty.
- No I think the pleasure will be mine.
She's here.
My baby's here.
- Ashok has a girlfriend? - I doubt it.
- Are you hanging by the pool? - Yeah.
Why? Hey you.
We have the sickest villa, right beside the casino.
Speaking of, we're going there later.
Hm.
Oph.
Now, let's go get drunk and christen that pool like old times.
Ophelia.
We always go topless here, but you have great tits, so you're good.
Pool, bitches! How bad ass is this? My dad said I could have it if I made honours.
- It's great, Ashok.
Well done.
- I'm so happy right now.
I'm gonna drive it.
By the way Gemma and her girls are at the pool.
I can drive it later.
That's fine.
- Are you happy to be in Monaco, Marcus? - Always happy, sir.
Because you're fired for the weekend.
The team can handle it, I'll rehire you when we get back to London.
Sir? I know I don't always make it easy for you, Marcus.
But you deal with it, and me, with skill and grace and I appreciate it.
So enjoy the Weekend.
Hang out relax and don't call me, 'sir.
' Of course, Your Highness.
Dude.
Um maybe just go with, 'sir.
' Your Majesty.
Prudence.
Thought you might enjoy a little treat after your long trip.
Hobnobs.
Delicious.
Will you join me? - That's very kind of you, but - You have your work.
I understand.
But then again disobeying a direct request from the King of England could be interpreted as treason.
Forgive me, I'm joking, of course.
No, it's just One Hobnob.
Take a seat.
Ooh! Why are people always doing this to me? You scared the hell out of me.
First of all.
You're not wearing that.
Second, did you see Beck out there? No? Turn round.
Here.
OK.
Put this on.
- Whoa! Nice rack! - Give me the dress.
Who is Beck? Beck was Robert's best friend.
We basically grew up together.
I may have lost my virginity to him.
All right, I did.
I really did.
I mean, it was a disaster but then it got better.
- So, you slept with him again? - I slept with him a lot.
And we never actually dated.
Except every time he comes around it's like I fall to pieces and I start acting like like - Well, you, actually.
- What is that supposed to mean? Like a dork.
Like a total dork.
Like, I laugh, and I say really awkward things and I can do it.
I I I I got it! I can do it! You know, the thing is, like, he just he makes me feel like I'm not myself.
I become all girly and I just it really freaks me out, Phi - Here we go.
- Mmm You did not just do that.
Hey.
Mmm.
Thank God for the diplomatic bag.
I need drugs.
Mm, let's see you.
Gemma's gonna hate you.
Liam's gonna love you.
Win, win.
Let's go.
Len! You've always been nice to me.
I don't know why, but it means a lot.
Of course I've been nice to you.
Why Wouldn't I? All right, bitch.
Let's go.
Come on.
Your Royal Highness.
Princess Eleanor.
It's a pleasure to see you again.
How's your luck? Not too good.
For some reason, I couldn't locate the diplomatic bag.
Do you know anything about that? - No.
- No? - Not a thing.
- OK.
Let's see if we can change your luck.
It's easier if you have a system.
What's your system? I bet black because it's your favourite colour.
Odd because, well you are.
17 because that's the age you were when I first saw you.
Twenty-three 'cause it's your favourite number and thirty-five.
Well, What's thirty-five? Thirty-five is the number of times you've taken my breath away in that outfit.
Thirty-five.
- Imagine that.
- Imagine that.
Vous avez gagné, Monsieur.
Bravo.
And now, it's thirty-six.
What's it gonna be, baby? Hm? Don't call me baby.
I'll see your bet, and I'll raise you - Twenty thousand.
- Whoa.
I'll also raise Two hundred thousand.
Mm? Ashok, are you trying to look at my cards or my tits? Both.
Your move, little girl.
What? No.
No.
No.
No.
I haven't even driven it on the autobahn yet.
And when I beat this cocky prick, you will not only drive it on the autobahn, but you will drive it on the autobahn with me topless getting handy.
- Could I upgrade to a blowy? - Don't push it, Ashok.
This is a brand new McLaren Coupe, with - Eleven.
- Eleven miles on it.
- I'm- - No-oh.
It's OK.
Full house.
Pair of sixes.
I'm going dancing.
Hey, hey.
Er, so what, er, colour is my new ride, anyway? Maybe we can talk to him.
Convince him to give you your car back.
Or, maybe I I find the guy and I hold him at gun-point, or Bow and arrow point and I make him give it back.
No-one is holding anyone at bow and arrow point.
Yeah, I know.
- Poor guy.
- Mm, he'll be OK.
He gets like this.
What kind of guy gets good at darts to impress girls? Worked with you.
Whatever.
Robert was a great darts player.
I practised all the time so that someday I could beat him.
Never did.
Well done.
Reconnecting with the King so soon upon his return.
Very clever.
- I didn't do it for you.
- Now, that doesn't matter, does it? When he goes out tonight, you follow him.
Otherwise they're gonna love that pretty mouth of yours in prison.
- All right, Beck? - Yeah, mate.
- See you later, Marcus.
- I’ll see you later.
Hey Where did you disappear to? Well, I came back here to find the diplomatic bag but all I could find was a ceremonial bow and arrow.
- So - That's odd.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Yeah Where are my drugs, Beck? In the bag, I suppose.
Look Liam asked me to fly in because of Robert.
'Cause he knows what this place meant to you.
Well, he didn't have to do that.
I'm not doing that bad.
You're a shit show and we both know it.
Yeah, you have your drugs, and your guys and your darkness.
But you still can't diminish that light.
I don't have a light.
Oh, you have a light, Princess.
It's so brilliant, it's hard to look at you sometimes.
So, you you only came here because Liam asked you to.
No, Len.
I came because I wanted to see you.
'Cause I always wanna see you.
I'd see you every day if I could.
That's not fair.
Excuse me.
Remember the first time we ever got drunk together? Right here.
- What were we, er thirteen? - Twelve.
You didn't have to invite him.
It's our first time here Without Robert.
Yeah.
Well you don't have to worry about me.
I don't have to but I do.
- And I always will, so deal with it.
- OK.
You remember the last time I was drug-free all day? When? Er, no, I'm I'm I'm asking you, 'cause I don't remember.
I'm going to bed.
Alone.
It certainly is a night of firsts.
Hey.
Perfect line.
How'd you sleep? Really great, actually.
Good.
I made you breakfast.
- Is that bacon? - Mm-hm.
I love bacon.
I took the bag.
I knew you took my bag.
It's all still here.
But you slept great.
And you look amazing.
- Yeah, well.
- And the bacon never tasted better.
Eat Then come hang out by the pool.
- Beck.
- Yeah? Thank you.
Imagine.
We have a few drinks.
- Imagine.
I would - You're kidding me, right? You gamble away my McLaren and now you're frolicking by the pool.
Relax, Ashok.
We have a plan to get your precious car back.
You do? What plan? What is this, huh? An episode of Glee? We'd like the car back.
You have something we want Maybe I have something you want.
- Like what? - Sex.
Virgin sex.
- You expect me to believe you're a virgin? - Not me, creepo.
Her.
- No deal.
- Um I think you may like to reconsider.
I'm, er I'm quite skilled in the blowy and handy department and, oh, not to mention the five ounces of Bolivian cocaine I'm currently ferrying in my rectum.
Do you still have that up there? I'm afraid I can't help you.
- I won this car fair and square.
- In a game of chance.
- Poker is a game of skill.
- Not according to the casino.
So how about you let us try and win the car back In a game of skill? I'm a man who appreciates a challenge.
And also a good anecdote about defeating the Crown Prince of England.
What's your game, Your Highness? Hm? The game is five-o-one.
The first player to score 501 points, Without going over, wins.
Outer rings count as double.
Inner ring counts as triple.
Three darts per turn.
Did I mention I love my car? You know, I'm a man of my word.
If I lose You can have your car.
But I Won't lose.
- Great arrows, Omar.
- Yes.
Triple 20, triple 20 and 20.
We're screwed.
How was your first day with Her Majesty? Without incident.
Normally I'd commend you on your unprecedented rise to the Queen's detail, however, in this instance, I feel a warning might be more prudent than a compliment.
- A Warning, sir? - The Queen asked for you personally.
She also has MI5 and MI6 vetting your security clearance.
Eventually she will discover, you're not the person you claim to be.
You think I didn't know? I'm the King's Head of Security.
We know a few things.
I'll speak to Princess Eleanor about the conditions of your transfer and if she refutes your claims, you will be tried for treason.
Until then you are being Watched closely.
Mister Frost.
Go.
Mister Price, sir - If you knew about my past - Why did I hire you? Because, as far as I can tell You're not your parents.
Besides, everybody deserves a chance to rewrite their history.
Word of advice.
The Queen tends to be threatened by her daughter's youth and attractiveness.
In case it comes up.
343 for Liam.
469 for Omar.
Omar needs 32 points to win.
Double 16.
Ooh.
So close.
You must be living right, Your Highness.
But You know what? I only need 16 points.
You need a 158.
Good luck.
Hm? Good luck.
You know, it's a funny thing, pressure.
Once you have the weight of the world on your shoulders the rest of it is easy.
- That's one-twenty.
- You need 38 points.
Double 19.
Ashok? Do you like your car? I love my car.
Good.
Because it's yours.
Yes! Yeah.
It's a good game.
But, er You know that thing that I said about my word? I lied.
I'm keeping the car.
- I'm keeping - What, no.
Give it back! - Hey, hey! - That's my car! - It's mine now, OK? - Give him the keys! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down.
Hey, whoa, whoa! Look, I was raised in America, where they decided guns are bad, but a bow and arrow is honourable.
So don't think I Won't use this.
- Oh no, I'm not thinking.
I'm saying - It's slipping.
It's slipping! All right.
OK.
All right.
Take take the car.
Take the car.
Crazy bitch.
Come on.
Ashok! Oh my God.
Oh my God, Oh my God.
I'm totally gonna die.
I'm gonna I'm gonna bleed out and die.
I'm gon You're not gonna die, Ashok.
And now I've got a rubber taste in my mouth! You should probably go and check on Ophelia.
You got this, Shok.
You got this.
Hang in there, buddy.
Ashok, calm down.
Listen to me.
You're gonna be fine.
- I just need to remove the arrow.
- No.
No.
No.
Bad idea.
You have to to take me to the hospital.
- I can't do that.
- Why not? Because, you're best friends with the Crown Prince of England.
And there's a protocol.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's fucking Wha I'm not like you, Marcus.
I'm I'm cowardly and and fragile you know.
I play video games and read graphic novels.
I'm sarcastic and ironic just please Boss, when those girls out there see you manning up and taking one for the team, you're gonna play the sympathy card for all it's worth.
One Two Three! - Oh, you poor thing.
- Does it hurt? No, I can handle it, it's fine I miss the effortless way he'd navigate with madness, you know? Like he was always one step ahead of everyone.
He was everyone's hero.
Including mine.
And his eyes would light up when he'd talk about you.
He'd say, Lenny's gonna be iconic.
She'll be the one that rewrites history.
I miss him.
Do you remember that night, when he jumped off the roof into the pool? You ready? - No.
Hold on.
- That's a good idea.
It's unfortunate the way you've let yourself go, Beck.
Shut up and jump.
What? - What? - You happy.
It's nice.
Prudence? Forgive me, Your Majesty.
I It's OK.
Join me? Sometimes I sit and Watch people at the bus stops.
I ride the tube and notice how nobody speaks.
They block each other out with their music and their phones and the headlines of the day and I wonder what happened to us? When did the charlatans and the conmen And the Wicked among us drive us all away from each other? I think most people are good.
Some of them are simply trapped by their circumstances.
You're a good person, Prudence.
Whatever your struggle whatever circumstance confines you I can help you.
And I'd like to try.
You can't.
I'm sorry.
Prudence.
You're a god man.
And a great King.
And that matters immensely.
To all of us.
Tell me about your parents, Jasper.
Perhaps, Your Majesty should tell me.
You're an orphan from Shoreditch.
Hence the elocution lessons.
Unless MI6 says otherwise.
I must say, your American accent barely peeks through.
Las Vegas grifters, weren't they? Swindlers who moved about like gypsies coveting affluence and teaching their son well.
My parents only dreamed of life at the top but I touched it.
And used it.
And Samantha Cook.
Did you touch and use her too? I've done some poking around into your poking around, bodyguard.
You didn't leave Las Vegas.
You were banished by Si Cook, the King of the Strip.
Apparently someone got a little too close to the king's daughter.
You have a type, Jasper from Shoreditch.
You're right.
I do have a type.
Si Cook wanted me gone and his daughter was one hell of a girl, but there's just one thing Your Majesty misconstrued.
It Wasn't his daughter I wanted.
It was his Wife.
You've caught me on a good day, bodyguard.
I'm melancholy.
I'm stressed.
And I'm severely horny.
Think you have what it takes to earn my silence? Don't let's get ahead of ourselves.
Are you familiar with the expression 'At Her Majesty's pleasure'? God, oh my God, oh my God.
I'm totally gonna die.
I'm gonna I'm gonna bleed out and die.
ls this the VIP for the girls who can't have the boys they want? Er it's not the VIP for whiney heiresses.
I'm not whining.
I'll fly some guy out, be the life of the party fake a few orgasms and do it all again tomorrow.
- It's what we do.
- It's what you do.
Fine.
It's what we do.
I told her I could be her but she couldn't be me.
But I can't be her.
I haven't been her in years.
Too late for that.
I get that.
But nobody's gonna cry for a diamond heiress and a princess.
Nor should they.
But do you remember the last time you Weren't the girl the boy just wanted to sleep with? Tonight, actually.
I miss him more when you're around.
I think that's good.
I'm glad you're here.
I'm proud of you.
Why? You went another day Without the bag.
I'm so tired.
You know what most people do when they're tired? They sleep.
It's nice.
Being like this.
I almost forgot what it was like.
What? You shot a man with a ceremonial bow and arrow.
I didn't mean to.
Apparently what lays in Vegas, does not in fact stay in Vegas.
You've served your Queen well, bodyguard.
Mm What? Just watching my girl.
It was perfect.
- This weekend.
- Almost.
Why almost? - You got all American on me and wouldn't get topless at the pool.
Oh, really? - You don't think I'll go topless? - I don't think you will.
Fine.
Here you go, Monaco! Enjoy the view.
I can't do it.
All part of my plan.
I'm glad you couldn't.
I'm pretty selfish about the view.
I'm always gonna remember this weekend.
Being here with you.
The beginning of us.
Perfect line.
I Won't do it.
- The King deserves better.
- Interesting choice.
I'll make sure the authorities have your home address.
And I'll make sure they have yours.
You need the monarchy to be looked upon in a favourable light.
So I don't think you'll be telling anyone about anything.
Besides there isn't anything you can do to me that you haven't already done.
Are you ready to go? I've extended for a week.
I'm gonna stay.
You sure? I just wanna be by myself for a while, you know.
Going somewhere? To see the Prime Minister.
Regarding what? Nothing you need to know.
We all have our secrets, don't we? You could, you know.
You said you'd see me every day if you could.
You can.
You know I can't.
Where was she this Weekend? On tour with the guitar player? Len.
She doesn't love you like I do.
She's my Wife.
She wants to give it another try.
I at least owe her that.
She doesn't love you like I do.
I think Gemma might have had the right idea.
We'll face it all together.
Your dad.
My mum.
The press.
All of it.
You should show 'em this side of you.
The press.
The world.
They'd love this version of you.
They don't want this version of me.
Try it when you step off the plane.
Show them the quiet, kind and gentle girl I know.
Hey? I'm not wrong.
Well, maybe I will.
I gotta go.
Hi, boys.
Did you miss me? Good thing you've already seen me throw up.
Come on.
We've done this before.
Not like this.
Hey I want you to know no matter what I will always be there for you.
There she is.
That's my girl.
Wait say it again.
You're my girl.
And I want the world to know it.
Let's go show you off.