The Santa Clauses (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

[Simon, reading]
"'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse
[together] The stockings were hung"
"Stockings were hung
by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas
soon would be there
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
While visions of sugar plums
danced in their heads"
[La Befana humming]
A little bit of this,
and a little poof of that.
Ooh. [gasps]
Hoopiddy, doopiddy, hoopiddy,
doopiddy, hoopiddy, gah!
I love soup season!
Mmm.
[gasps, exclaims in Italian]
The Calvins are back!
Oh, Mr. Coat,
it is time for you to go home!
What?
[speaking Italian]
Uh-oh!
[gasps]
It's a sneaky, sneaky, sneaky coat.
- [choir harmonizing]
- [theme playing]
[grunts]
[harmonizing continues]
["Jingle Bells" plays]
[Butter grunts]
How did a horse get here?
[drones approach]
Find whoever was in this thing!
His drones are so cool.
[stammers] I mean, they would be,
if they weren't being used
to try to destroy everything good.
You chew so loudly.
[neighs]
Okay, let's go help your dad.
Be careful and don't get caught.
Only suckers get caught!
[Gary] That's when I realized
I just let the love of my life fly away.
It got so dark.
[chuckles] Trust me, it only gets worse.
The year? 1691--
No, no, the Christmas Spirit Orb.
Did you see how dark it was getting?
Speaking of seeing, you're probably
wondering what happened to my eye.
No. Did you notice Simon didn't
even look like Santa Claus?
He didn't have that gorgeous belly,
the beard and everything.
That means the Santa-fication process
hasn't begun.
He hasn't put the coat on yet!
- He hasn't put the coat on.
- I just said that.
No, I'm telling you,
he lost the coat his very first day.
It was a whole hullabaloo.
That's how we fix this.
He's not officially Santa
without the coat on.
So we just find that coat,
we can change all of this.
[shushes, clears throat]
Do you think that drone can hear us?
Hey, drone!
Did you hear our plan about getting to
the Santa coat before Simon does?
[beeps]
Yeah, it heard.
Really?
Whoever controls the Santa coat,
controls the North Pole.
Oh, that stupid coat.
Uh, thank you, EN-52,
you've been most helpful.
I'm EN-51.
Drones, bring me the Santa coat.
Daddy!
- I got you something!
- Hey, not now, sweetie. Okay?
Daddy is this close to getting
everything he's ever wanted.
We've ever wanted.
Don't you already have everything?
I mean, you're Santa Claus.
Listen, honey. There's nothing wrong
with wanting more. All right?
Daddy wants to be bigger than Santa Claus.
But there are these bad guys
that are trying to stop him.
Why don't you do me a favor?
Go to your room and stay there.
Stay there until this is all over.
But-- But maybe if they saw my gift,
they wouldn't be bad anymore
and believe in the magic of Christmas.
Hey, will you just go?
I'm so sick of hearing about
the magic of Christmas!
[Simon sighs]
[Noel] We wish you a Betty Christmas
We wish you a Betty Christmas ♪
We wish you a Betty Christmas
And a Betty New Year ♪
- [Sandra] Um?
- [Carol] Aw.
- Watch your head.
- Hmm?
- Yep.
- [grunting]
- Okay. Okay.
- Just used to real-world doors.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
Noel, we came to help you save Christmas.
Who cares about Christmas?
Betty's gone and there are no more elves.
Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry,
but you have to believe
we can get them back.
Noel, we can't find my dad anywhere.
He's-- He's close. I can-- I can sense it.
But I feel he's trapped.
[gasps] Trapped? [distorted] Not my Santa!
All right. Let's go. Follow me.
- Head!
- [grunts]
- All right. All right.
- You're all right. Okay.
- [Cal grunting]
- [Carol shushing]
[Gary playing tune on kazoo]
- Scott! Thank goodness.
- [playing stops]
- I thought you were being tortured.
- I am being tortured. I am.
But it's so good to see all of you!
Some of us more than others though, right?
You don't have to say who.
How di-- How did you get here?
Your Santa ghost friends were right.
We do have powers.
I knew it! I knew it.
Well, use your powers.
- Can you get us outta here?
- No.
But Sandra can speak to animals,
and I can see holes in the sky.
Uh, fun, interesting, anti-climagic
'cause we're still stuck in here.
You know you could just eat your way out?
The bars are made of licorice.
[sniffs]
Why didn't you tell me that?
I thought we were bonding.
Bonding? With my Santa?
- [both grunting]
- Hey, hey. Hey, Noel, Noel!
Buddy. Noel, Noel! Buddy!
[gasps]
Noel, you nitwit!
I promise I will come back and haunt you!
Look, your dumb hat didn't even work.
You're still here.
[elongated] Oh.
- [Sandra] Oh, no.
- Okay.
We can all point fingers later.
But first
bon appétit.
[groans]
Come here, coat!
Come out, come out, wherever you are,
you stupid, idiotic coat!
Hey, drones, um.
I'll give a million dollars
to the drone who finds the coat.
[drone on comm]
Money has no meaning to us.
[groans] Stupid drones.
Your finger was on the button,
so we heard that.
Sorry. Hey, uh, any sign of the intruders?
[drone on comm] No. But if you need
foot soldiers, we know where to find some.
Foot soldiers?
[plays Christmas carol]
[lock clicks]
[door creaking]
[groans, grunts]
- [Carol] Oh. [sighs]
- There we go.
- Not bad. Thank you, everybody.
- Mm-hmm.
- Easy as pie, right?
- That was not as easy as pie.
I'm gonna need about ten minutes.
Really? I've been getting hungrier.
- I like it.
- [Noel] Huh.
Hey, look, the key was right here.
- Noel!
- Noel!
You looked everywhere but on the desk?
- Really?
- All right. We gotta find the coat.
It's close by. I can-- I can feel it.
I know, me too.
I was just thinking about that.
You and I gotta have a conversation
about this, but not now.
Most important thing is to find that coat.
And I say we'd do better
if we all split up. Let's go.
- [Sandra] Oh, no.
- Dibs on Santa Scott!
Ooh!
Are there any red licorice jail cells?
Oh, those would be so good.
Ooh!
Oh, wow.
Okay. [sighs]
[creature] Sandra, is that you?
Yes, yes, it's really me, Lewis.
You understand me?
[chuckles] I've always understood you,
but yes, I can talk to animals now.
Which is both a dream and a nightmare
because some of y'all talk a lot.
Mm-mmm. [laughs]
Anyways, I really do wanna catch up.
But first I need your help finding
the Santa coat before Simon gets it
and ruins Christmas.
- [Lewis] Okay.
- Come on.
- Come on, Lewis.
- [Lewis] Coming!
Let's go.
[drone engines humming]
Oh?
Oh, hey, fellas.
Tell us where the coat is or we'll shoot.
I-I don't know where it is,
but I-I can kinda feel it's nearby, but--
Just like how I feel
that you're not bad drones.
You're-- You're just programmed that way.
Do not try to distract us
with tender feelings.
Sorry you feel this way.
You were built to deliver joy
to this world.
It-- It must be difficult.
No drone deserves that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[objects smashing, clattering]
Hey! [laughs]
Oh, I remember you and your dumb faces!
[drone] Nothing to worry about.
This unknown woman poses no threat.
Unknown woman?
How dare you.
[pop song plays]
Ah.
[grunts]
Oh, no.
Do you know who I am?
Ha!
They call me Mrs. Claus!
[pop song ends]
Okay.
Living in the real world has been
an eye-opening experience.
And I learned that everyone
is going through something.
So, the best you can do
is just to sit back and listen.
So, go ahead.
You get built and then you wind up
at the North Pole,
and you think you hit the jackpot.
-But-- But--
- It's okay, little buddy. I know.
- [Cal] Let it out. Yeah.
- What the--
A-Are you talking to the drones?
They prefer UAVs, but yeah.
We're here to find the coat.
[drone] We can help you find the coat.
Huh?
You turned them friendly?
They're very considerate
when you get to know them.
The coat!
[both] It's here!
Whoa, whoa. Hey, what happened here?
[sighs]
The Chicago way.
Dad! There's the coat.
[Sandra] Oh, my gosh.
What the smoke monster?
[Carol] Where have I seen this before?
[Scott] I know what this is.
It is me, La Befana!
Also, I am very dizzy.
[chuckles]
Ha!
Later. [speaks Italian]
- [drone] Oops. My bad.
- [Sandra] Okay.
- [Sandra] La Befana.
- Son of a biscotti!
Thank you, nutty witch lady.
- Oh.
- So, Scott, help me understand.
You need this dusty old coat
so that you can become Santa
- and drive me out of business, huh?
- No, no, no. Don't do that.
You destroy that coat,
you-you-you'll kill Christmas.
- Kill it?
- Yeah!
Really? I'm the good guy here, okay?
I single-handedly saved Christmas
by allowing people to get everything
they want every day.
It's not about getting,
it-it's about the giving.
I think you're worried
that when people hear "Christmas,"
they're gonna remember my name, not yours.
[grunts, gasps]
All right. You know what?
No more Mr. Nice Guy.
You actually still think
you're a nice guy?
To the fireplace with you.
[Grace] Daddy?
Are you the bad guy?
What? No. No, Grace.
I'm-I'm creating something better for us.
Okay, honey? This is all for you.
And no, he's not a bad guy.
Even the best dads can lose our way.
Grace, what would be
the best possible Christmas gift to you?
To spend time with my dad.
He barely has time for me anymore.
Hey
I think you're just about to give him
the best gift ever.
If you shake it, it shows
your favorite Christmas memories.
Oh, honey.
That's the first Christmas after Mom, uh--
I didn't know what I was doing,
so I tried to do everything.
We were together.
That's when I knew we were gonna be okay.
Promise me, here,
you'll give Grace the best life.
Oh, come on. I'm gonna give her the world.
She needs a dad. That's all.
[sighs]
Yeah, you-- you're right.
Grace needs a dad.
Grace. I'm sorry, honey. I'm so, so sorry.
Can you ever forgive me?
[sighs]
If you give the coat back
to the real Santa.
[chuckles]
Oh? You mean this coat?
[chuckles]
[rumbling]
Where's the Orb? Where's the Orb?
Uh, I-- I don't know. I lost it somewhere.
[Scott]
Oh, God. Come on! We gotta find that Orb.
[Cal] Oh, guys!
[Scott] Come on. Look for the Orb.
Whoa. Mrs. John Wick was here.
Well, I have some untapped emotion.
No. No. No.
Oh, no.
- [Carol] Oh.
- I'm too late.
This is all my fault.
If you mean going loco
and almost destroying Christmas, yes.
But this is on me.
I let a slight hardship
get the better of me.
I became aware that the world's
becoming more challenging,
and instead of stepping up,
I stepped down.
How do you expect other people
to hold on to the Christmas Spirit
when I let it go myself?
The buck stops here.
[Simon] Oh, right, uh, uh, sorry.
Speaking of the buck,
the reindeer stopped flying.
Not good timing.
- I'm on a roll.
- Okay.
It took moving to the real world
to know what Santa meant to me.
And I took that gift, and worse yet,
the gift of this beautiful family
and the magic here, for granted.
Oh, Scott.
- I did.
- [Sandra] Oh, Dad. Dad. Dad.
Noel, you're in this family. Come on.
[Carol, Sandra chuckles]
Oh, La Befana, come on!
Oh!
Choksis, both of you. Let's go. Let's go.
It's the best we could do.
The best we could.
We tried.
[all murmuring, moaning]
- Whoa! Something wild is happening.
- [Carol] Yeah, I can feel it.
- Stand back, stand back.
- [Sandra] Me too.
[gasps]
[Carol, Sandra, Noel gasps]
Gary! [chuckles] You're alive!
I'll pie you!
Uh-oh!
[Gary] Come here!
Crouton! You're back!
Sandra!
You can hang me on your bedroom wall
for all I care.
Just promise me you'll never leave again!
Come here.
[elves clamoring]
Edie! There you are.
- Who's Edie?
- What?
- [laughs] Just kidding.
- Aw, oh, sweetheart, hi.
Let me get this straight.
Yeah?
Your husband went to this Yule-verse,
and it was all the Santas.
- That's what he said.
- All men?
- Uh-huh.
- Wow!
Yeah.
I hear ya, sister.
[Noel] Betty?
Betty?
Has anyone seen Betty?
Betty?
- [Betty] Sweet Pea?
- Caramel Cone!
- Puddin' Pie!
- Gum Drop.
Jelly Bean!
- [Noel] Snickerdoodle!
- [Betty] Sugar Pie!
[Noel] Honey Bunch!
[Noel grunts]
That's for leaving me in the first place
and making me feel sadness.
I'm sorry, Betty.
I never thought
you'd lose Christmas Spirit.
You are my Christmas Spirit, Noel.
Sir, you came back
even though the Secessus Clause explicitly
states invoking it is permanent.
[clears throat]
I was hoping you'd make an exception.
Oh!
- Wow.
- Thank you for coming back, sir.
It's my honor and my privilege.
We have three hours till Christmas.
Didn't take long.
Already busting my snowballs.
Let's go.
You all know what happens
when I put on this coat.
You become Santa again.
- Put on the coat, Dad!
- Yes, Dad. Yes.
[sighs]
There he is.
There's my big, strong, hunky Santa.
- Hey!
- [Carol giggles]
[Sandra groans] Gross, Mom!
You know, I used to think being Santa
was a one-man job,
but that's not the way Christmas works.
Christmas is about togetherness
and community.
Spreading hope and joy.
And tonight we're gonna remind
the world of that.
This is bad timing,
but I was thinking I might
stay behind tonight. With Betty.
Oh.
I think that's great timing.
And I'm gonna be fine,
'cause I'm gonna do this with my team.
Oh, you're serious.
You want us to go with you?
- All of us?
- Yeah.
Oh, yes!
Um, can we buzz over
the elk reserve in Wyoming?
Can we what?
- I'm already ready.
- Oh, no, no.
What I meant by my team
was my team. My family.
Oh, I guess you and I have a very
different definition of the word team.
Well, there's no I in the word team.
[chuckles]
[Gary] There's no U in tomorrow.
[whistles]
Okay. Um, all right.
We need all hands on deck.
Sandra, can't believe
I'm about to say this.
I want you to talk to the reindeer.
Get 'em flying again.
Cal, your apprentice program
starts tonight.
I want you to make sure
that bag's full of gifts.
Okay, let's move.
[door bangs]
Uh, so, these things still work, right?
If you shake 'em, they show
your favorite Christmas memories?
Yes.
Sweet, then I'd like to take
some snow globes to go.
Okay, [sighs] which ones?
All of 'em.
I put Simon and Grace to sleep
and sent them bye-bye.
Once again, Edie,
you need a better choice of words.
Oh, right. Um
They're safely back home.
- Thanks.
- [Carol] Great. Where's Cal?
- No.
- [Cal] What?
- Is it too much?
- Too much.
Don't leave without me!
I've got the gifts!
- [Sandra] That's embarrassing.
- We'll meet him in the sleigh. Come on.
[Betty] All systems go.
Everyone at their stations?
All right, everyone.
We are back in business.
[elves cheering]
[Carol] Woo-hoo! [laughs]
I'm still not loving it,
but I'll get used to it.
It's everything I've ever dreamed of.
On, Dancer! On, Prancer!
Actually, Dad, they prefer to be called
Chopper, Razor, the Hoofster,
Atomic, Hotshot, Prettyboy,
Airbender, and Steve.
And Steve.
To the left and-and higher,
higher, higher, higher.
Cal, thank you, but I've done this before.
Oh, okay.
Okay, last stop of the night, everybody.
- Oh, guys. Come on, wake up.
- [Carol] Wake up.
Cal, I'm a little wiped out right now.
So I'm gonna need your help on this one.
- Really, me?
- Yeah.
Is that even legal?
Well, we won't tell Betty.
[Betty on comm]
Betty knows, and Betty approves.
[Christmas carol playing]
Soot!
Cal?
Oh, no. No, not Cal.
Just a confused old man
looking for his home.
Buddy Cal Calvin, what are you doing?
[sighs] I'm sorry.
My-My dad didn't tell me
that this was your house.
I'm sort of his Santa-in-training.
Um, but
Just as promised, m'Riley.
For your brother.
Okay.
But these are for you.
- [Christmas carol stops]
- [pop song plays]
[pop song continuing]
For you.
I can't believe you.
Riley, hey, I don't know what to say.
Poinsettias are my favorite.
I-I am so sorry about lying before, but--
[both laugh]
This is the best night of my life.
Mine too. Except for less pervy reasons.
Cal, did you remember to make sure
she didn't remember?
Did you remember?
Yeah. I remembered. Yeah.
What could go wrong?
- It looks like I made good on my promise.
- Mm-hmm.
Twenty years later,
we're finally having Christmas together.
- [Scott] When you put it that way
- [Carol laughs]
No! I'm kidding.
[sighs] It's so beautiful.
Okay. What's so funny?
Everybody's waking up now with something
they didn't ask for under their tree.
What have we done?
[elves cheering, clamoring]
- Sir?
- Hello, Betty. What's up?
Only 364 days until Christmas,
and we're already behind schedule.
[pop song fades out]