The Simpsons s01e06 Episode Script

Lisa! Lisa, are you still in there? What's the problem? Did you fall in? Lisa! - Sorry, Dad.
Women and children first.
- What the-- - Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on.
I'm late for work.
Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.
- Did you check the den? - The den! Great idea.
Warm.
No, cold.
- Colder.
Ice cold.
- Huh? -Do you know where my keys are? -No.
I'm talkin' about your breakfast.
Did you try the rumpus room? Rumpus room? Great idea.
- Oh, Dad.
- Huh? - Doh! - Oh, Homer.
- Here.
- I'm sorry, everybody, but I've only got two cupcakes for the three of you.
Well, Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes over the past three decades to-- - Bart! -just take mine.
A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure.
- Oh, yeah! - All right! All right, class.
From the top.
One, and two, and three, and-- My county, 'tis of thee La da da da da dee Lisa! Lisa Simpson! Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in " My County 'Tis of thee.
" - But Mr.
Largo, that's what my county's all about.
- What? I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of it's car.
The Iowa farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats.
The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up-- That's all fine and good, but none of those unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week.
Now, class.
From the top.
Five, six, seven.
Every day at noon a bell rings, and they herd us in here for feeding time.
And we sit around like cattle, chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable-- Food fight! Come on, Lis! What are you waiting for? Chuck that spaghetti.
I choose not to participate.
Lisa, we are playing dodge ball here.
The object of the game is to avoid the ball by weaving or ducking out of it's path.
In other words, to dodge the ball.
Listen, missy, just tell me why you weren't getting out of the way of those balls.
I'm too sad.
Too sad to play dodge ball? That's ridiculous.
Now, let's see some enthusiasm.
Play ball! Come on, come on.
Let's go.
In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, Battling Bart Simpson! Whoopee, whoo! And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats-- Oh, correction.
Humiliating defeats, -all of them by knockout-- - Must you do this every time? Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson! Doh! Stupid joystick! Three seconds, folks.
A new record.
Hey, no.
I'm not down.
I'm-- Getup, you! Get off the mat.
Okay.
Here we go.
Yo, chump, you back again? Get outta the way! How come he's not ducking? Wait a minute.
I can't get my-- Get out of the way, stupid! - Homer? - Not now, Marge! - Get out of the corner! - They sent a note from school.
What did you do this time, you little hoodlum? Oops, get outta the way! I didn't do it.
Nobody saw me do it.
There's no way they can prove anything.
No, Bart.
This note isn't about you.
It isn't? There must be some mistake.
Hey, you're right.
This note's about Lisa.
Lisa? She doesn't look sad.
I don't see any tears in her eyes.
It's not that kind of sad.
I'm sorry, Dad, but you wouldn't understand.
Oh, sure, I would, princess.
I have feelings too.
You know, like, " My stomach hurts.
" Or "I'm going crazy!" Why don't you climb up on Daddy's knee and tell him all about it.
I'm just wondering what's the point? Would it make any difference at all if I never existed? How can we sleep at night when there's so much suffering in the world? Well, I-- Uh-- Come on, Lisa.
Ride the Homer horsey! Giddyap.
Whee! Lisa, honey, why don't we go upstairs and I'll draw you a nice hot bath.
That helps me when I feel sad.
- Sorry, Dad.
I know you mean well.
- Thanks for knowing I mean well.
Gee, Homer.
Looks like you got yourself a real problem on your hands.
Yeah, right.
Uh, Bart, vacuum this floor.
Hey, man.
I didn't do anything wrong! In times of trouble you've got to go with what you know.
Now, hop to it, boy! Thinks he's some big stupid Homer.
Oh, man.
I'll show him.
He thinks he's so big.
- Enjoy your bath? - No, not really.
Oh, too bad.
Well, I certainly had fun vacuuming.
Maybe now I'll get the pleasure of scrubbing your tub.
So typical of Bart.
All he thinks about is himself.
Hey, don't say stuff like that about me to Maggie.
She's on my side anyway.
- Is not.
Is not.
- Is too.
Is too.
- Is not.
- Is too! Watch.
I'll prove it.
Maggie.
Come to the one you love best.
No, Maggie.
Come here, girl.
Come tome.
Come on, Maggie! The choice is obvious.
No, Maggie.
Don't go for the glitter.
Look for substance.
All right, Maggie, just go to Bart.
Exactly.
Come to the one you love best.
Oh, no! Come on! Don't let the-- Aaah! Oh, no, not again.
Get over to the-- Aaah! Gee, Dad, you're really bad at this.
I am not.
It's just that I couldn't concentrate with that infernal racket.
Lisa! Lisa.
Lisa, what did I tell you about playing that sax-a-ma-thing in the house? I was just playing the blues, Dad.
Lisa, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell.
Go ahead.
Play your blues if it'll make you happy.
No.
That's okay, Dad.
I'll just work on my fingering.
Unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.
Let's hear it.
You just clack as loud as you want, Lis.
I've gotta find that sound.
That was beautiful.
What's it called? Oh, it's a little tune that I call the "I Never Had an Italian Suit Blues.
" Wait, Margie.
Before you go out that door, let's put our happy face on, because people know how good a mommy you have by the size of your smile.
What the-- - Put up your dukes, Homer.
Bart, go easy on me.
I'm your dad.
I am going easy on you, but you're so old and slow and weak and pathetic.
No! Bart, no! - Homer, wake up, wake up.
- Huh? Oh, man.
Here, let me wipe off the drool.
You know, Marge, getting old is a terrible thing.
I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my dad at most things.
And Bart experienced that at the age of four.
So, why are you still awake? I'm still tying to figure out what's bothering Lisa.
I don't know.
Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention.
But all the while, our little Lisa is becoming a young woman.
Oh, so that's it.
This is some kind of underwear thing.
Mmm.
Good night, Homer.
Now, now low b-flat.
Okay, Lisa.
"Altissimo" register.
Very nice.
Very nice.
I once ruptured myself doin' that.
- Thanks, Mr.
Murphy.
- My friends call me Bleedin' Gums.
Eww.
How'd you get a name like that? Well, let me put it this way.
You ever been to the dentist? - Yeah.
- Not me.
I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is.
I have problems too.
Well, I can't help you, kid.
I'm just a terrific horn player with tons of soul.
- But I can jam with you.
- Okay.
Oh, I'm so lonely Since my baby left me I got no money And nothing is free Oh, I been so lonely Since the day I was born All I got is this rusty This rusty old horn I got a bratty brother He bugs me every day And this morning my own mother She gave my last cupcake away My dad acts like he belongs He belongs in the zoo I'm the saddest kid In grade number two you know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.
Yeah, but I don't feel any better.
The blues isn't about feelin' better.
It's about makin' other people feel worse and makin' a few bucks while you're at it.
Which reminds me, if you're ever in the neighborhood, I'm playing in a little club called the jazz Hole.
Lisa! Get away from that jazzman! - But Mom! Can't I stay a little longer? - Come on.
We were worried about you.
Nothing personal.
I just fear the unfamiliar.
Today's fire raced through downtown Springfield, gutting Symphony Hall, the Springfield Museum of Natural History, the Springfield Arts Center and Barney's Bowl-a-rama.
- Officials said the-- Oh, no! Marge! - Marge, are you all right? - No! I'm very upset.
Then you've heard.
Oh, God.
What are we gonna do? - The lanes were kinda warped, but, oh, the food.
- I'm upset about Lisa.
- Oh, me too.
- Me three.
What are we talking about? - Bart! - Do you think you're being nice enough to your sister, Bart? - Oh, yeah, easy.
- you do love her, don't you? - Oh, Mom.
- Well, you do.
Don't you? Don't make me say it.
I know the answer.
You know the answer.
He knows the answer.
Let's just drop it.
Okay? Okay, Bart.
You don't have to say it, but you do have to have a loving attitude.
Be nice to your sister.
-Okey-dokey.
-Go on, Bart.
No time like the present.
- Hi, man.
- I don't want your pity.
- Aw, come on.
I'll cheer you up.
- How? Yeah.
Moe's Tavern.
Moe speaking.
- Is Jacques there? - Who? -Jacques.
Last name Strap.
- Uh, hold on.
Uh, Jacques Strap? Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a Jacques Strap.
What? Aw, wait a minute.
Jacques Strap? It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt! When I get a hold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.
Where's your sense of humor, man? Lisa, you'll be late for band practice.
Let's go.
Uh, give me some quarters.
I'm doing my laundry.
Yeah.
Right.
- Where's the video boxing? - It's over there in the corner.
If I were you I really would use those quarters for laundry.
Wise guy.
- Hey, that kid's pretty good.
- Good? Are you kidding? Over 2.
000 fights, and he's still on his original quarter.
Okay, who's next? - Me, me, me, me, me! - No, me! - Listen, can you teach me to fight like you do? - I don't think so.
- Oh, come on.
- I'll tell you what.
I'll do it if you bark like a dog.
You little-- you got yourself a deal, Fido.
- Well, looks like you're all out of quarters, old man.
- That's okay.
With the tips you've given me, I'm gonna pound the tar out of - a certain little smarty-pants tonight.
Howie! I thought I told you to stop wasting your money - in this stupid place! - Sorry, Mom.
And you! A man of your age.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Excuse me.
I think I hear my wife calling.
Now, Lisa, listen to me.
This is important.
- I want you to smile today.
- But I don't feel like smiling.
Well, it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know.
It's what shows up on the surface that counts.
That's what my mother taught me.
Take all your bad feelings and push them down.
All the way down, past your knees, until you're almost walking on them.
And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you, and happiness will follow.
Oh, come on.
You can do better than that.
Oh, that's my girl.
I feel more popular already.
- Hey, uh, nice smile.
- Thanks.
Hey, what are you talkin' to her for? She's just gonna say somethin' weird.
- Not me.
- you know, I used to think you were some brainiac, but I guess you're okay.
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, why don't you come over to my house after practice? - you could do my homework.
- Okay.
Mmm.
Five minutes, people.
Now, Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have a repeat of yesterday's out burst of unbridled creativity.
No, sir.
- Wow, Mom! - Hmm.
So that's where she gets it.
Lisa, I apologize to you.
I was wrong.
I take it all back.
Always be yourself.
You wanna be sad, honey, be sad.
We'll ride it out with you.
And when you get finished feeling sad, we'll still be there.
From now on, let me do the smiling for both of us.
Okay, Mom.
I said you could stop smiling, Lisa.
I feel like smiling.
I'm gonna knock you out one more time, and that's it.
This is getting boring, man.
Just ty not to kill me too hard, son.
- Whoa! - Kid, tonight's not your night.
All right, man, you asked for it.
No more Mr.
Nice Guy.
Aha! Blocked it.
You missed me.
- Oh! - I got you.
Ooh.
Don't try that.
I got you blocked.
And the crowd is on its feet as Hurricane Homer moves in for the kill! Boys, I'd like your attention, please.
Quiet, Marge! This is my big moment! Bart "The Bloody Pulp" Simpson is on the ropes.
He is hoping I'll put him out of his misery! Well, you're in luck, Bart! Here comes my right! Oh, no! My game, my game! I could have beat the boy.
Marge, how could you? I was so close.
I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly, loud game.
You're right, Mom.
I'd just like to use this occasion to announce my retirement, undefeated, from the world of video boxing.
Oh, calm down, Homer.
Lisa has an idea that she thinks would be fun for the whole family.
The next song was written by a friend of mine, one of the great little ladies of jazz.
I got this bratty brother He bugs me every day And this mornin' my own mother Gave my last cupcake away My dad acts like he belongs, y'all -He belongs in the zoo - What? I'm the saddest kid In grade number two