The Sopranos s01e06 Episode Script

So, you know usual girl stuff.
She picks up the dry cleaning.
She does the food shopping.
By the way, your dr.
Melfi has excellent taste.
She only shops at the fancy- shmancy deli-- the kind with the italian name but you can't find a fuckin' meatball in the whole joint.
What else? I don't even know what i'm supposed to be lookin' for.
What's up with this cooze? It's none of your fuckin' business.
You're on a strict need- to- know, lieutenant.
I oughta knock the shit outta ya for what you did to her date last month.
What? I figure this girl is somegoomahof yours, so i scare him a little.
What's the big deal? This guy still come around? No.
He's not her type.
I told ya, he's a coward.
He nearly pissed himself.
All right, anything else? I don't wanna be here all day.
Yesterday-- yesterday she got off at 9:00 and she went to bed early.
That's it? That's it.
Here.
Buy yourself an iron.
You ready? Decaf, right? So, how was your college trip with your daughter? Tell ya, my life, it's like, uh, episode of provolone somethin'.
- What's goin' on? - My wife.
All we do is fight.
Can you believe it? She's jealous of you.
Is that something that you feel, or has there been some discussion with carmela? She didn't know you were a girl.
You know, a woman.
Excuse me, a doctor.
Woman doctor.
Why did it take you so long to tell her? I didn't tell her.
You spilled the beans when you called to change the appointment.
Let me ask you a different question.
Why a female? Why a female doctor? You know, she asked the same friggin' question.
I sometimes wonder myself.
And? I'll tell you what i told her.
Cusomano gave me a choice between two jewish guys and apaisanlike me.
- I picked thepaisan.
- What's the one thing every woman-- your mother, your wife, your daughter-- have in common? - They all break my balls.
- no, i know what you mean.
They're all italian.
So what? So maybe by coming clean with me, you're dialoguing with them.
Let me ask you a question.
Why do you have me as a patient? Most legit people, they'd go a hundred miles out of their way not to make eye contact with me.
But you-- you didn't flinch.
The water's warm.
Come on in.
Hey, sammy.
How are you? Just in time.
I was just gonna make some coffee.
Yeah? How's junior? Sit the fuck down! Down! That's how junior is, sammy.
I'm with little jimmy altieri.
Yeah? You payin' jimmy for this game? Huh, sammy? No.
Are you payin'someone for this game? Huh? Aah! The party's over.
Junior soprano is the new boss and he ain't respectin' old arrangements.
You're lucky.
You stayed slim.
You can buy right off the rack.
I wanted something special.
The boys are having a little time for me.
You're wearin' the suit to the dinner, eh? These guys today, they want to be buried in their joggin' outfit.
So how's your, uh-- what's your oldest boy's name? Rafaelle.
Ralphie.
Yeah.
Good kid.
Yeah.
He lost his son, you know.
- What do you mean, lost? - Dead.
Morte.
Ah, just a-- just a fucking kid.
A baby.
Oh, what are we talkin' about here? You lost your grandson? What are you gonna do? These fucking animals.
These-- these drug dealers.
The little kid used to run around here breakin' balls.
Domonique.
My namesake.
Did you know about this? See? What'd i say about this fucking poison? These kids shouldn't touch it.
I read the paper every day about these poor pricks overdosin'.
He didn't overdose.
He killed himself.
Fourteen years old.
Jesus! Was this at patterson falls? - Holy shit! That was your grandson? - Why? The kid, he took one of those designer drugs, right? Goes to the falls, takes a header right off the fence.
They said the current whirled so much that his head was bashin' on the rocks for days before he even came up.
And meanwhile, this piece of shit he gets to walk the streets and sell more of this stuff to young kids.
Oh, really? What's this motherless fuck's name? Even the coffee's old in here.
How much complaining can you do? Eventually they find you with a broken hip.
I want to make a gift of a maganet.
That's the only way you'll get good coffee.
What are you wearing? You smell like a frenchputa.
It's canoe.
Johnny wore canoe.
Morning, livia.
Oh, good morning.
Morning.
Hi.
New arrival? Keep moving, fella.
I'm happy for you, junior.
I know how long you waited to be made boss.
Just don't let certain people take advantage of your good nature like they did to johnny.
What certain people? Nobody got over on johnny.
Nobody's gonna get over on me.
How's your jewish friend? - Hesh? What about him? - Who ever heard of a jew riding horses? - He owns a horse farm.
- Aahh! He's tony's friend, not mine.
What do you got against him anyway? Who, me? Nothing.
Johnny liked him, and my son thinks that every word that comes out of his mouth is pure gold.
Are you tellin' me that since i'm the new boss i should tax hesh? Heh! Boy, anthony must've really gotten under your collar.
Admit it.
You're lookin' to crack hiscalione for puttin' you in here.
I don't know what you're talkin' about.
Yeah.
And i'm playin' shortstop for the mets.
Oh, all right, watch the balls! What is the matter? Tony's cannoli doesn't want to stand up? Tony's cannoli's tired.
But i can make it happen, baby.
I know.
It's just, maybe-- so how's your job? Huh? Since when do you care about my job? Can't i be nice? All right.
Forget it.
Mmm.
Okay, you don't want to talk about your job? Fine.
Here.
Tell somebody who gives a fuck.
I'm not a fucking whore! Stick your money up your ass.
I don't know what's wrong with you, but don't take it out on me.
Hey, there's nothing wrong with me! Just wanted to talk, that's all.
For all the conversation i get around here, i might as well be a fuckin' dildo! If you were a dildo, we wouldn't be fighting.
What does that mean? Huh, you fuckin' refugee? What does that mean? - Aah! - come here! Knock you out, you fuckin' communist cunt! Hey, hey, hey! Yeah, same to you! You fuckin' burned me! Angela.
What do you got, andrea? Clabby? Hearts.
Jump in, the water's warm.
Child's play.
Pound a point.
Hesh is outside.
Tell him to come in.
He says he needs a word with you.
What the fuck.
I've eaten more queens than lancelot.
What's up? Let's walk.
That serious? You spoke to your uncle lately? Junior? Yeah.
No.
I don't know.
Why? What's up? Your father was a fair man, tony.
What's that got to do with junior? Junior's not so fair.
Sometimes i wish you'd just get to the fuckin' point.
What'd he do? He's taxing me, tony.
He's taxing you? When did this happen? Today.
Did you tell him you operated for years without any tax? That my father loved you and respected you? That ten cents out of every dollar that goes into his kick is directly related to your shylock business? My uncle's been boss of the family ten fuckin' minutes, already i gotagita.
What'd you tell him? Told him the truth.
It's a reasonable request but an unreasonable figure.
Back up a minute.
What do you mean, "it's a reasonable request"? He's the boss now.
He can call the tune, we all dance to it.
That's the way it's always been done.
You can either respect what's been done in the past or change the rules.
Look, tony, the reason i came over here was to tell you with all this bullshit goin' on, i don't know if i can stay in this area.
Where you gonna go? Hey, come on.
I can sit on my royalty checks.
You forget i wrote six gold records.
No, a couple of black kids wrote six gold records.
You owned the company.
You gave yourself a co- writing credit.
Come on, hesh.
Besides, i know you.
You leave this action, you're gonna kill yourself.
How much does he want? Five hundred large, plus two points monthly on my shy.
Hm! All right.
Do me a favor.
Sit tight for now.
Let me think about it for a while.
How was that, baby? The best.
You are the best.
Come here.
Tony, i love your cannoli.
You okay? Yeah, i'm okay.
Go back to your sleep.
Sure you're all right? So, what do you want new york to do? First of all, junior can't know that we talked.
He's gotta think hesh came to you on his own by himself.
You are still runnin' things.
Another thing, the arrangement, whatever it is, can't be insulting to my uncle.
Hesh's gotta pay somethin', i just haven't decided what.
I gotta get back.
We'll talk later.
How's the veal? It's like rubber.
Yeah? Tastes all right to me.
Want somethin' else? No.
Hm.
Don't look at me.
Compliments of johnny sack.
Maybe you'd like to spend the rest of our anniversary with him.
I was over there for ten friggin' minutes, carmela.
Don't do this.
All right, tony.
At least i know where i stand.
Why you always gotta be so dramatic, huh? Here we go.
Huh! All right, i'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.
You don't even know what you're apologizing for.
It's our anniversary, tony.
Ours.
Not yours, mine and johnny fuckin' sacks'.
Ours.
Here i was thinkin' maybe we could get a room at the plaza like last year, or-- i don't know.
I do-- i'm sorry, carmela.
Huh? I just got a lot on my mind, and i'm not thinkin' straight.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Should i call the plaza? Come on.
Nah, let's go home.
Hey, come here.
Carmela, what do you want me to say? I'm lost at sea here.
You've changed, tony, and i resent it.
I resent it because it's destroying what little self- esteem i have left.
I swear, sometimes i think you skeeve me.
I skeeve you? You're the mother of my children.
How the fuck did i skeeve you? You see what i'm talkin' about? Right there.
"You're the mother of my children.
" I feel like i'm just someone you've chosen to procreate with.
You knew this might happen with the prozac.
Ginny torrelli's been on it for years and she'd hump a fire hydrant if it could make a pass at her.
Dr.
Melfi told me it affects different people different ways.
Oh.
She told you that? I think before we start today's session, we need to address the coffee situation.
It's not appropriate of me to take gifts.
- It's a cup of coffee.
- Let's just make a rule, okay? No gifts.
This mean i can't drink mine? No, no.
I'm sorry.
I usually have my answering service on when i have a patient, but i have a car emergency.
Yes? What does that mean, "diagnostic"? I just wanna know what's wrong with my car.
No.
No, don't do anything.
No, i want to get a second opinion.
I'll-- i'll take my chances.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
It's all right.
Sohow's it goin'? Good.
Real good.
As a matter of fact, i think i may flush the medication.
You know? See if the changes i'm feelin' are for real.
Why would you do that? The prozac seems to be working.
Well, that might be the problem.
It might be workin' a little overtime.
What do you mean? Umm-- - i'm havin' a, uh-- - reaction? You know.
A side effect from the stuff.
We talked about that when you started.
Some people get insomnia; others a stomach ache or headaches.
- But it usually passes.
- Are there any other side effects that you know of? Some people experience a diminished libido.
- They have a hard time getting or maintaining a-- - bingo.
I see.
Mm.
You know, not all impotence is a result of the medication.
You sayin' there's somethin' wrong with me? When's the last time you had a prostate exam? Hey, i don't even let anybody wag their finger in myface! I'm sorry, i shouldn't have laughed! - Don't apologize.
- Oh, boy.
- You got a nice laugh.
- All right, let's be serious.
Hey, i'm serious.
You know that depression is also a leading factor in impotence.
When you awaken in the morning or in the middle of the night, do you ever have an erection? - You could set your clock to it.
- Okay, so we know it's not a physical problem.
Let's put that in after the credenza.
Yes, ma'am.
You wanna tell me what's goin' on? I bought some furniture.
Why don't we just move into roche bobois? Save the delivery charge.
Fine.
I'll send it back.
No, but you've been spendin' like a drunken sailor all last week.
I said i'll send it back.
Mother of christ, carmela, i didn't say that, did i? Jesus.
All due respect to new york, i don't think you should be tellin' my uncle how to run things.
You think i got the balls to drive in from new york and tell your uncle how he should run his family? I shouldn't expect to see the statue of liberty again if i did that, huh? - All right, look, tony.
- hesh isn't only a friend of you guys.
He's a friend of ours.
Somebody has to step in so he doesn't get fucked.
I never said fucked.
And you.
Frankly, i'm a little hurt.
You should've come to me first.
- Airin' your dirty laundry in public.
- Junior knew how i felt.
How would it look if i went to you after i spoke to him? He's got a point.
Bottom line is, what're we gonna do about this? Somethin' tells me you have a suggestion.
Junior, if there're any flies on you, they're payin' fuckin' rent.
Five hundred is a little steep for back taxes, no? As far as two percent of his action, that's up to you to settle.
After all, that affects tony as much as hesh.
I'm not out to hurt anyone.
God forbid i get in the way of someone earning.
Let's say one and a half on the shy business and 300 on the back tax.
Two fifty.
What'd i tell ya? Hold onto your cock when you negotiate with these desert people.
Two fifty.
All right.
Mr.
Soprano.
You want sex? No.
Go back to sleep.
You know, you have a nice body.
You ought to make it work for you more.
Oh, really? You reveal too much.
You don't want other men looking at me? No.
When you're not with me you do what you want.
But i'm sayin' maybe you could wear a nice, businesslike outfit.
I think i could get into that.
You want me to dress like a man? No.
No, you fuckin' wack- a- doo, i don't want you to dress like a man.
I'm just sayin', maybe wear somethin' a little more professional.
You know, like you're in business.
Fuck you.
I'm no whore.
No.
That's not what i mean.
Not like you're in the whore business.
Oh, forget it.
Come here.
Is everybody in my life bananas or what? Get over here! Come here.
Go jerk off.
Yeah.
Go jerk off.
Look at this.
She burned me.
That's not good.
What led up to that? Carmela can be pretty violent sometimes.
This added problem that i've been havin' that we talked about-- i just thought that maybe we needed to spice things up a little bit.
You know? If it's not the prozac, then maybe i just needed a little jump start.
So i suggest to her that maybe she dress a little differently.
Something titillating.
Yeah.
You know, maybe it'd help.
So i suggested to her-- not demanded-- suggested-- you know, maybe dress a little sexier.
But carmela can be very sensitive.
Maybe she felt it degraded her.
Not all women are into sexy lingerie.
I'm not talkin' about dressin' like that.
Then what are we talking about? Some women are sexier when they dress simple.
You know, understated.
I don't mean-- fuck it.
I don't know what i mean.
Like you.
How like me? You play it down.
Now, it's obvious you got a killer body under there.
Don't get me wrong.
All right.
Not only do you play it down, but you're gentle.
Not loud.
Sweet sounding like a mandolin.
Anthony-- it's unfortunate that we have to stop now, because i think it's really important we talk about this.
Do you think you could come back later this afternoon? No.
Till tuesday.
Okay? Yeah, all right.
See you tuesday.
Oh, motherfucker! Ow.
Shit! It's the oddest thing.
I've had this problem for weeks, but this morning i get in and it starts right up.
- And then again at the deli.
- Uh, looks fine.
Are you sure? I was told i need a new starter.
Lady, as much as i might wish to rob you even i wouldn't try to replace a new starter with another.
- What do you mean "new"? - New.
It has everything but the price tag hanging from it.
Come on, mikey! I didn't do nothin'! Poor kid committed suicide up here'cause of you.
You fuckin' know me! Yeah, i know ya.
Now listen to me.
I'm gonna give ya a break.
When i toss ya over-- no! If you can fly i won't shoot you down.
Deal? No! Son of a bitch.
My goodness.
What happened here? It's some sad shit.
Motherfucker said he didn't want to live no more.
He jumped.
How much he give you? I thought i was the only one junior could make look like that.
All right.
Let me hear it.
Rusty irish.
What about him? He took a header off the falls.
That's the closest that junkie fuck ever got to a bath.
I got news for you.
That junkie fuck was my biggest earner.
During the football season he moved more cards than ten guys put together.
And another thing.
A certain friend of ours should've checked with me before he did a favor for the old man capri.
You're losin' me.
Irish was the one who sold capri's grandson that shit.
I think you created a fuckin' frankenstein in junior.
I created? We all agreed to let junior have his day.
Let him be the lightning rod.
When lightning strikes, god forbid, and somebody goes down, it's not a young man with a family, remember? - We all agreed.
- Yeah, but who expected to get raped? When jackie was acting boss no one minded, 'cause it all evened out at the end of the day.
But your uncle-- marone! Doesheeat alone.
He doesn't even pass the salt.
Heh heh.
What about that sammy grigio card game? That fuckin' mikey smacked him around.
That ain't right.
Come on, jimmy.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Junior was right.
He had a position.
That game wasn't payin' anybody.
The minute sammy grigio used jimmy's name, it should've been end of story.
- That's right.
- what do you want me to do? We made our bed.
We sleep in it.
We're all men.
But how long we gonna continue to kick upstairs without it hurtin'? I mean something, anything, should trickle down over here, no? All we want you to do is talk to him.
After all, he's your uncle.
- Come on.
- That's right.
Who is it? It's me, ma.
Who? Anthony.
Open the door.
I thought you were the activities lady.
Hey.
She's a real pain in the ass.
Playing bingo, livia? Not tonight, honey.
You know, she's a degenerate gambler.
Uh, millie? Millie? Hmm? My son.
Handsome.
So how's it goin'? Oh, what can i say? Hey, this is great.
The only thing that's missin' is that broken readin' lamp you had by the phone.
I got it downstairs.
I can bring it if you want.
Shh, shh, shh.
Listen.
Oh, she's driving me crazy.
Who? Next door! There it is again.
Oh! That's enough water! How much water does she need? She runs the water all day.
Water, water, water! I'm livin' next door to gunga din! I went down to ferrara's.
I got you some biscotti.
Almonds? Yeah.
All right.
Leave'em there.
I'll take'em downstairs later for my coffee.
Uncle jun been by? Ohonce in a while.
It makes him uncomfortable here.
He's got a lot on his mind.
More responsibilities means more headaches.
Better men than him had to work hard.
Yeah.
He'll be all right long as he remembers who his friends are.
I'd just hate to see him mess this up.
He's been waitin' a long time for the big chair.
What do you mean? It's not a business that forgives bad decisions.
I hate to see him making wrong moves, you know? Especially at the start of the game.
Why're you tellin' me? - Tell him.
- Mayou got his ear.
He listens to you.
I don't know that world.
No, of course not.
But if anything, you know, were to come up-- that's all.
I don't want to get involved.
If you have something to say to your uncle then bring it up to him.
Oh, i wish the lord would take me.
Come on, ma.
There's probably plenty of gents in this place that want a date with a lovely woman like you.
Look, i'm goin' downstairs before that activities lady finds me.
You want coffee? Yeah, all right.
Bring my cookies! Carmela, i don't want to sound like religion is a cure- all, but i think if tony got more involved with the church it may help to expedite things in his therapy.
What's killing me is this is a self- inflicted wound.
I pushed for it.
I could deal with thegoomahs.
I knew i was better than them.
As stupid as it sounds, i viewed them as a form of masturbation for him.
I couldn't give him what he needed all the time.
You're a man, father.
You know that thirst.
I was too busy with the house and kids to quench it.
But the psychiatrist-- you know, she's not just agoomah.
For the first time i feel like he's really cheating and i'm the one who's thirsty.
I'm not gonna stay in a marriage that's made-- shh.
Shh.
Let's not even think about that.
Divorce is for the weak, for people who never intended on dying married in the first place.
You know, carm, we reap what we sow.
What do you mean? You admit to accepting his dalliances in the past.
They meant nothing to tony.
But you said it was like they were lightening the workload, providing a wife's duty when you were too busy with the kids and the house.
You practically welcomed it.
I want you to pray to our holy mother.
Ask her for guidance and forgiveness so that you can get through this as a couple.
You're not without sin in this, carmela.
She's outta control.
She's spendin' money like we're the sopranos of park avenue.
But you've noticed her, which may have been the point.
Look, before we run out of time, i'd like to discuss what happened when we were here last week.
How's your car? Did you steal my car and have it fixed? We had an agreement: No gifts.
I didn't want to see you get robbed.
It was you.
You had no right to steal my car.
- I've been scared to death.
- Why? It's a violation of my privacy.
What else have you done? Answer me.
I love you.
Anthony-- i'm in love with you.
I'm sorry.
That's just the way it is.
Okay, let me talk.
No.
It's not the prozac.
I dream about you.
I think about you all the time.
I can't get excited about any other women.
There's nothing else to say.
I love you.
Let me start here.
I know this may be very hard for you to swallow, but you're only feeling this way because we've made such progress.
What? I've been gentle.
That's my job.
I listen.
That's what i do best.
I've been a broad, generic sympathetic woman to you, because that's what this work calls for.
You've made me all of the things you feel are missing in your wife and in your mother.
You're makin' me out to be some fuckin' mama's boy.
I'm a man and you're a woman.
End of story.
And this crap about freud and every boy wanting to have sex with his mother-- that's not gonna fly here.
I didn't say that.
I want to make sure we understand each other.
Yeah, we understand each other.
You don't love me.
You don't want me to come back any more, fine.
It's quite the opposite.
This is all a byproduct of progress.
Has someone been following me? Okay, forget it.
I'll see you next week.
All right! Let's go! Move it! Remember when you used to tell me-- i always thought you could make the pros.
You coulda done it.
You had a swing like joe di.
You're crazy.
What, you think i'm shittin' you? Yeah, i could barely hit.
250.
That's because you didn't want it.
Too busy chasin' skirt.
Chasin' skirt, your average was.
500.
- Yeah, what happened? - So what is it you want to talk about? Octavian.
You know, augustus.
You fuckin' with me? No.
Octavian became augustus.
Forget about that.
Bottom line: Augustus was a caesar-- and everybody loved him, right? You know why? I don't know that i give a fuck.
Everybody loved him 'cause he never ate alone.
Capisci? It was the longest time of peace in rome's history.
He was a fair leader, and all his people loved him for that.
This the one that they stabbed in the back? No, that was julius.
I'm talkin' about augustus.
He shared his wealth, and all his people loved him.
You said that three fuckin' times.
I heard it.
"his people loved him.
" what's your point? Remember the story you told me about the father bull talkin' to the son? They're up on this hill.
They're lookin' down on a bunch of cows.
The son goes to the father, "dad, why don't we run down there and fuck one of these cows?" You remember what the father said? Father says, "son, why don't we walk down there and fuck'em all?" I told you that? Yeah! Why don't we fuck'em all! That's funny.
Okay, i get your point.
Why don't you just come out with it instead of all this augustus- octavian shit? I don't know.
Are you okay? You been actin' mesamortelately.
I ain't seen a long face like that since you were a kid.
I'm okay.
It's just, uhbullshit stuff.
Don't worry about it.
You sure? Yeah, yeah.
I'm okay.
Junior took the 250 you gave him and whacked it up amongst the top five guys.
You know, so he doesn't look greedy.
Smart move.
Yeah.
Your uncle may turn out to be another harry truman.
What's that mean? Truman had a big job thrust upon him.
He didn't want it, but in the end he made some pretty wise decisions.
So who knows? Your uncle may turn out to be the right man for the job.
I fuckin' hope so, 'cause i'll tell you right now, i don't want the fuckin' job.
Let junior die from the stress.
It's what gave jackie the cancer, god rest his soul.
"Boss.
" Fuck it.
Who needs it? - It's nice here.
- I can't stand the smell.
Shit, flies all over the place.
But i could stand here for hours and watch'em run around.
There's a kind of beauty to it.
I envy them.
I wouldn't go that far.
I would.
They got no bills, no headaches, no familycazies runnin' around.
One horse likes another horse, they go up to each other, they fuck.
That's it.
No problems, no hundred questions, no guilt.
I don't know what the fuck i'm talkin' about.
So junior whacked up my money and spread it around, huh? Yeah.
Five bosses, 50 a pop.
Not a bad day's pay.
Still, i wish it wasn't your money.
You know, it makes me feel terrible.
What? You old fuckin' jew.
Here's my share.
You think i'm gonna profit off your tax? Never entered my mind.
Dr.
Melfi-- there's nothin' there, you know.
You don't have to explain nothin', tony.
This psychiatry shit-- apparently, what you're feelin' is not what you're feelin', and what you're not feelin' is your real agenda.
You're gonna stick with it, right? I don't know.
Think you should.
You do? Uh- huh.
I was jealous.
I should've told you-- no, wait.
Let me finish, tony.
I've been thinkin' a lot about this.
I was jealous of her ability to help you-- to be a sort of salvation to you.
I talked to father phil, and i wanna be that woman in your life.
Carm, you aren't just in my life.
You are my life.
Come here.
Okay, i'm no good at speeches.
Yeah, you owe him a fuckin' dime, you'll hear some great speeches.
- Shut up.
Let me talk.
- go ahead, talk.
I was only kiddin'.
Go ahead.
I'd like everybody to raise their glasses.
Okay, uh-- he taught me as much as anybody, 'cept for maybe my father.
Even if he wasn't my uncle, i'd be standin' here sayin' - to our new boss, salud.
- to junior.
Junior.
To junior.
Salud.