The Spa (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Now usually we'd have you lying flat for reflexology, Mr Williams, but because of your back problems, we're going to keep you as you are.
Yeah, no problem.
Now you may feel a slight twinge in your left shoulder, as I manipulate your foot.
Oh.
How does that happen then, from squeezing my foot? I can affect many parts of your body by utilising very specific thumb, finger and hand techniques to the sole of your feet.
I think that's incredible.
You could say that.
A slight twinge in your right knee coming up.
Lovely.
You don't mind if I nod off for a bit, do you? "Expect an avalanche of love this week, with a passionate Piscean, "culminating in something much more serious.
"Do we hear wedding bells?" No, we don't hear wedding bells, just the sound of somebody making £1.
50 a minute out of somebody else's misery and suffering.
Hi Alison, my name is Barrington Piecemeal.
I was wondering if you could send me some pictures of your feet? What? I'm mainly interested in what I like to call the webbing between a lady's What's the point? There you go.
Advanced Body Pump is in the main dance studio today with Vron.
Who is it darling? Vron.
That's my brother.
Sorry? Ron died in 1979, I'm Barry.
Oh, Vron, I think these are yours.
He went under a bus, number 38, Clapton Pond.
Come on, Barry, come on, Yvonne, pick your feet up, you're late.
Well, if we are late, then you're late.
What do you think about that? Sally, can you call Bolek and tell him I'll do his two o'clock appraisal in the cafe.
I'll get a late lunch while I'm there.
Two birds, one stone.
Absolutely.
Would you like me to phone that lunch order through, so it's ready when you get there? What lunch order? Two birds, one stone.
You can't be serious? That doesn't even make sense, why would I want to eat a stone? Oh, I thought that was how much the birds weighed.
Hello there.
My name's Ben Barker.
I'm from a company called Barker-Finch.
I was wondering if I could talk to your manager about corporate membership? I'm sorry, our manager isn't available, she's in conference at the moment, but I'll certainly let her know that you called.
Have you any idea when she might be out of conference? It would be great to speak to her some time today.
I can check for you.
Sorry, there's no answer at her desk.
Could you maybe try her mobile? I can, but it's usually turned off when she's busy.
No, it's just ringing.
Oh, hang on.
Hello? Yes, Sally? Oh, Alison, sorry to disturb you.
I've got a Mr Barker at reception, he's interested in Corporate membership? Oh, are you expecting him? Shall I tell him to I'm sorry about that, Mr Barker.
Sally, our receptionist is currently on the waiting list for a suitable brain donor.
Please, call me Ben.
Alison Crabbe.
Very nice to meet you.
So, do you have a window this week? A window? A window in your diary? A date, to discuss corporate membership? Oh, sorry, yes, I see what you mean.
Er, well I am incredibly busy this week, but, er, Sally might be able to find a 15-minute break somewhere.
No, you're free all week.
No, Sally, you're looking at the wrong diary.
No, this is your diary.
Free all week, not one appointment.
No Sally, you're looking at the wrong part of the diary.
Those are my appointments there.
You just pointed at a blank screen.
Tomorrow at three.
I could do five o'clock, and Sally, I think you are missing a software upgrade.
We'll get that sorted.
Perfect, thank you.
Listen, while I'm here, would it be possible for me to check out your facilities? "Facilities?" Yeah, I was wondering if I could slip on a pair of shorts, use your gym? You know, bit of a swim, maybe a steam? Yes, absolutely.
Sally, are you capable of signing and handing Mr Barker a guest pass? Or will that confuse you too? Absolutely.
Thank you.
It's very kind of you, Alison.
You're welcome, Ben.
OK, great.
Um, maybe you'd give me a call to confirm tomorrow.
Oh, no need, you're in my diary.
Not on my screen, he isn't.
How do I get this update? Five o'clock, I'll look forward to it.
And, um, thanks for this.
I appreciate it.
Oh my gosh, he is so into you.
What is wrong with you, Sally? I'm sorry, I was just trying to be efficient.
Well don't, it's incredibly irritating.
Do you really think he's into me? Oh, totally.
Didn't you see the way he was looking at you? He was looking at me, wasn't he? I didn't imagine it.
He couldn't take his eyes off you.
Oh, right.
I had better go and check out the corporate rate figures.
Oh, Alison, can you make sure I get that computer update? According to this, you're still doing absolutely nothing all week.
Davina, this is really bad.
It was an accident.
Anyway, I think it looks worse than it actually is.
I have something for this.
I've got some arnica in my locker, I'll go and get it.
I've done that already, Marcus.
But thank you.
I didn't know you used complimentary medicine.
Yeah, of course.
I'll always go for an alternative remedy rather than a tube of chemicals.
You know, I've never noticed, but you've got amazing skin.
Really? That's why you bruise so easily.
Bolek! Argh! What are you doing?! No, no, it's OK, it's the best thing for a punch.
Bolek, for God's sake get off her! Don't struggle, believe me, my father was a boxer and he always had meat on his face.
I said get off her! What are your problems? I am trying to help! She's vegetarian! Well, I put my meat in her face, I didn't push it in her mouth! Oh, looks like the party's started without me.
Just go away.
Davina, are you all right? I've got to wash my face! What was all that about? Can you go after her? I've got a shift in the gym.
Yeah, sure.
Bo! You're not going to throw that steak away are you? It doesn't look that bad.
I can still smell raw meat on my face.
Welcome to my world.
Vron, can you keep a secret? No.
No, seriously, can you keep a secret? No.
Oh, well, forget it then.
Oh, go on then, as it's you.
I think a member of staff has feelings for me.
Really? I think I may have feelings for him.
Well, he is a bit young, but I must admit, the thought of Bolek force-feeding me raw steak gives me a bit of a wide-on as well.
Not Bolek, Marcus.
Marcus?! What's so funny? I don't think you're Marcus's type.
Because I'm slightly overweight? No, because he's gay.
I don't see what weight has to do withwhat? Marcus is gay.
Don't be ridiculous! What makes you say that? He plays gay music in his classes, he's addicted to sunbeds, never mentions girls, never talks about his sex life.
I don't talk about my sex life.
That's because you haven't got one.
How do you know? Have you? He's just very sensitive.
He's just very gay.
He said I have amazing skin.
Oh my God, that is the gayest thing any man could say to a woman.
You're just jealous.
Yeah.
What I'm really looking for is a fat bald gay man in a wheelchair.
You think you're so cock-sure, but you're actually wrong.
I am cock-sure.
I'm sure Marcus likes cock.
We could ask him to look at his nails.
What? Well, at school we used to say straight men look at their nails like this But gay men look at their nails like this.
Or we could ask him if he spent most of the play time getting bummed behind the bike sheds.
Come in.
I've just heard the news.
Jesus, you look like you've been kicked in the face by an angry giraffe.
I'm fine, thank you, Eric.
Really? You look like someone's thrown a glass ashtray at you from the back of a church hall.
Honestly, I'm fine.
Are you sure? Because it looks to me like two big fellas have held your arms, while a six foot rugby player's Eric, I'm fine! No problem.
Anything I can do, you just let me know.
Eric Yes, Vron? Can you go find out if Marcus parks his bike up the rainbow dirt track? I don't think he's got a bike.
Well? Well, what? Is he Arthur or Martha? Well, it's hard to tell.
He seems to be looking at men and women.
Maybe he's bifocal.
You mean you haven't asked him? You can't just ask someone a personal question like that.
You've got to do it in a roundabout way.
Best to use an algorithm.
Use what you like, but find out.
Poor Davina thinks he's given her the glad-eye and she's dripping like a broken fridge.
Hello, Miriam - you ready for a long, hard session? So they kept you on after your accident, even though it put you in a wheelchair? Well, partly because it put me in a wheelchair, but I can't talk about it, unfortunately.
Oh.
Get a bit emotional do you? No, I'm taking them to court.
Oh, I see.
And you think you've got a strong case? You want to try and keep your back straight, Ben.
Yeah? Legs shoulder width apart, as well.
Ah, good tip Marcus.
Listen, I've got quite a few people possible joining the club soon, maybe I can put some personal training work your way.
Say, ten percent commission on each client? No, we're not supposed to do that.
Oh.
Well, there's a lot of things we're not supposed to do, but if it means a few extra quid on the side, huh? I mean, I bet there's more than a few back-handers and scams going on in this place.
Not that I know of.
Sorry, mate.
Hello boys, how's it going? All right Eric? Nice to meet you, Ben.
Ah ha.
Hope to see you here again.
Yeah.
What were going on there then? Oh, nothing.
Really? I mean I don't know about these things, but it looked like he were er What? Well, it looked like a proposition.
It was actually.
Really? Yeah, I told him I wasn't interested.
No.
To be honest, I didn't think you would be.
No.
He looked like he was coming over quite strong.
Yeah, he wanted to get his mates involved, but obviously he wanted his share of the action.
Well, he would do, I suppose.
His mates, were they men or women? Both I assume.
You weren't interested in any of them? Not when I found out all he's interested in is creaming his little bit.
Does sound a bit selfish.
Yeah, I told him what I had on offer and he seemed impressed.
Did he? Yeah.
I reckon we'll see him later in the week with his tail between his legs.
You reckon? Yeah.
And once he's handed over his money, I'll give it to him so hard, he won't be able to walk properly for a week.
Oh my God! See you later, Eric.
There you go.
Oh, you look amazing, it's taken years off you.
My face feels quite tight.
That's the natural properties of the nettle face mask.
Nature's own Botox.
Right.
I can't actually move my mouth.
I've got a very important meeting in half an hour.
I'm sorry? I've got a very important meeting in half anoh, Jesus Christ, it's getting tighter.
Look, go back to your desk, have this mint tea, and you'll feel fine in 15 minutes, I promise.
I'd bloody better be.
Oh my God, I can't feel my fingers.
Just a black coffee please.
No problem.
Slow day today? Yes, yes, it will get busy again in a couple of hours when people leave work.
I used to work in a bar when I was your age.
Yes? Some of the scams I had going would make your hair curl.
Actually, maybe they wouldn't.
Scams? Yeah, you know, pound in the till, one in the pocket.
Yes, we have this in Poland too.
I bet you do.
Yes, it is called theft.
All right, pal, it's just a bit of banter.
Two pounds exactly please.
How's it going? Yeah, not bad.
Just on a bit of a break.
No, I mean with Marcus, any news? Look, I've just had a word just now.
And to be quite honest, what he gets up to in his personal life is his own affair.
Hello, I think Marcus's wheelchair is nudging its way out of the closet.
What do you mean? According to Davina, looking at your nails like that means you're gay.
Oh, it's an open and shut case then.
Oh, hang on a minute.
Look, just leave the lad alone.
If Davina fancies Marcus, tell her to ask him out on a date, simple as that.
Oh, I think he's left his mobile phone on the table.
Oh my God! Let's look at his text messages.
No.
Shit! It's got a lock on it.
Good.
Serves you right.
"Hi Marcus, we still on for this date tomorrow night? Stephanie.
" I'll give it back, thank you.
Hello there.
Aah, now that's the kind of welcome you expect at a health spa.
Well, my mum always says manners cost nothing unless you're visiting a prostitute.
Um, I'm here for my appointment for Alison.
I'm a little early.
OK, how early are you? Alison has two appointments, one at five o'clock and one on Friday.
I'm fifteen minutes early.
Great, so, you're the five o'clock? Yes.
Bob Beaker.
Ben Barker.
Lovely, if you'd like to take a seat, Mr Beaker, Alison will be with you in Fourteen minutes.
Listen, while I'm here, um, I wonder if you could tell me about your creche facilities? Of course.
It's a place where people bring their children to be looked after.
Yeah, I kind of assumed that.
Do you know what level of qualification the staff at the creche have? How do you mean? Do they need an NVQ in Early Years Care? I remember one of them saying they had to learn all four verses to The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round.
OK.
Do you know, you're making me think.
Maybe I should bring my son one day a week.
How old is your son? Five.
Aah, sweet.
What's his name? Markowen.
Good choice.
Mark, my middle name.
No, Markowen, his first name is Markowen.
I'm a massive Take That fan.
Right, that'sunusual.
Yes.
People said, "You can't call your son Markowen, you know, "as his first name.
" But if you say it quick enough, it just sounds foreign.
Markowen.
M'kowen.
You know, you don't necessarily sound like you're saying Mark Owen, you could be saying anything.
Right.
My favourite member of the band is Jason Orange, but you can't really do it with his name.
I'm going to take a seat.
Yeah, no worries.
Hello, The Spa, Markowen speaking, I mean Sally speaking.
Well, thanks for these figures, you've been very, um, efficient.
Well, we're both very busy people.
Yeah.
I must say, the last time we met you seemed a lot more relaxed.
A rare breather in an otherwise hectic schedule.
Obviously.
Now, these corporate figures you've given me are quite competitive.
What if I were to offer you say a cash incentive to bring down your prices? We could both profit from this little arrangement.
You like the sound of that? Yeah, you like that? Well, let's just say I accidentally leave my full wallet on your desk.
I'll look out of the window and when I turn back Sorry I can't feel my face! I can't feel my face! I maybe should just go.
Eeee! It's wonderful.
What's going on? There you go.
Dock leaves are the best thing for stinging nettles.
Is this a bad time? Oh, Costas.
I had a bad reaction.
We'll get out of your way.
No, I want you guys to stay.
I want to introduce you to Ben Barker.
Ben works for us in a kind of mystery shopper capacity.
I'd better get back to reception.
Sure, no problem Sally.
You tried to set me up? It's not exactly international espionage, Alison, it's standard practice.
Anyway, you all passed with flying colours.
Oh.
You should have seen Alison's face when I tried to bribe her, I thought she was going to punch me.
Oh and, um, sorry for flirting with you, it annoys the hell out of my wife, but it's all just part of the cover.
Can't say I noticed.
By the way, you do know you've got a load of green stuff? Yes! I'm sorry, Marcus is in a meeting at the moment.
Oh, well, no bother, I'll go and have a fag in the car.
I'm an hour early, to be honest with you, but I was off my tits on E last night and I thought, "Well, I either goes to bed or I keeps on going", and it's horrible to be stood up on a blind date, isn't it? I expect so.
Well, it's not a completely blind date, he has seen a picture of my face.
And a couple of other bits of me as well.
Oh.
Who shall I say was asking for him? Oh, my name's Stephen, although everybody calls me Stephanie.