The Tick (2001) s01e06 Episode Script

Junk mail
Junk mail
There's nothing but junk mail.
Earn bonus miles
every time you buy.
Yeah, right.
Who are they kidding?
Bonus. They just want
to bone us.
All these charity solicitations,
feed the poor, feed the hungry.
Feed Batmanuel.
Charity begins
at Batmanuel's home.
Batmanuel is a terrible
thing to waste.
Could you shut up
for just one second?
Just riffing
on junk mail.
Ha, ha, ha! Loved it!
Arthur, I can tap
into the postal system mainframe
and get you taken right
off those mailing lists.
Of course, you won't
officially exist anymore.
Thanks, but I should probably,
you know, exist.
Would you look at this?
This one's addressed to me.
Tick, nothing's
ever addressed to
Yes, and I can see
myself in it.
Hey, look it,
you too, chum.
League of Super
Give me that.
"Dear Tick and sidekick"
Hey, that's me!
"The League of Superheroes,
"the most elite crime-fighting
team in the world,
is pleased
to inform you".
OhmyGod.
Don't tell me.
Tick, it says
we've been selected.
You have got
to be kidding me.
Come, now, Janet,
don't be jealous.
Of what, of Rabbit Boy
and the Blue Head Case?
No. I'm one of the hottest
superheroes in town,
and I have never
been asked to join.
And would you
like to know why?
You're a pain in the ass.
No.
Because I'm a woman.
The League is notorious.
There are no minorities
and no women.
Oh, so it's
a special place.
I don't believe this.
Tick, in a million years
did you ever think we'd
be asked to join the League?
In the last
million years
Twice.
I am the wild blue yonder,
the frontline in the
never-ending battle
between good and not so good.
Together with my stalwart
sidekick Arthur
and the magnanimous help
of some other folks I know,
we form the yin
to villainy's malevolent yang.
Destiny has chosen us.
Wicked men, you face the Tick.
Listen, Tick,
I just wanted to say thanks.
This is every superhero's dream,
and if it wasn't for you
pushing me all the time,
encouraging me,
being superhuman,
I'd never be invited
to a place like this.
Fiddle-faddle, chum,
you're the little engine
that could.
I'm just the guy that lays
the tracks and says,
"Think you can."
Imagine us working
side by side
with the greatest names
in superherodom.
I've heard about this.
It's the original
League manifesto.
They say it's written
on parchment
made from the bark
of the Venutian Tree of Life.
You can't touch it.
Let me take a look at it.
Get your hands off it.
Don't touch it! Tick, stop!
What are you Oh!
Tick, let it go.
Maybe they have tape.
There's two of these.
If we can just
It's The Champion.
He's the president
of the League.
Oh, my God.
Well
Hey.
You must be Abner.
It's Arthur.
Aah!
Welcome to the Hall of Heroes.
Good to finally meet you,
Tick.
Howdy.
Ow!
This way.
Well, boys,
what do you think?
Superheroes need a place like
this to kick off their boots,
take off their capes, be amongst
the right kinds of people,
if you know
what I mean.
And frankly, you folks seem like
the right kind of people.
Dog my cats!
That underground submarine
harbor of yours is extra snazzy!
And your UFO collection
I mean, who knew?
We're very discriminating
in who we invite
to join our little group,
only the cream.
And the cream
is white.
That's true.
Cream is white.
There's no denying that.
So, what do you say,
gentlemen?
The door only stays open
for a short time.
And then what happens?
We have to bust it down?
Ha, ha, ha!
Ha, ha, ha!
We would do anything
to be a part of this
venerable institution.
Anything?
Anything.
Good.
So, can you fellas
come back here about,
mm, say, 10:00 tonight?
Gravy.
Gravy.
Ha, ha, ha!
Gravy.
Ha, ha, ha!
How do we
How do we get out of here?
Now, this guy is great.
He handles all my legal affairs.
What kind of legal affairs
do you have?
Batmanuel is mired
in much litigation.
For instance, I am suing
the makers of my codpiece.
It was improperly fitted,
causing severe shooting pains
in my groin.
Ouch.
Yes, an ouch that
will cost them seven figures.
Not that you can put
a dollar amount
on Batmanuel's groin area.
Captain Liberty?
Mr. Filbert
will see you now.
What the hell
are you doing here?
So, I've got credentials
up the wazoo
and a resume that
could choke a horse.
This is an open-and-shut
case of discrimination.
Are you sure, Captain?
Are you sure?
Because if you want
to go ahead with this lawsuit,
you better be sure.
You better be damn sure, lady!
See, they don't give a damn
if you're a man, a woman,
or an octopus.
You don't get in if you can't
cut the mustard, honey!
Precisely the kind of argument
they're going to make in court.
Oh.
I want you to know what
you're getting yourself into.
You see, this is
the League of Superheroes.
This is the real deal.
This is not some dinky little
ladies club.
Maybe you should join
a mahjong game, toots!
Again.
What they're going to say.
Ah.
Ha ha. See.
Ah.
Ah.
You see? He's that good.
Yeah.
You certainly have insight
into their thought process.
Insight, yeah.
What do you know about insight?
If you had any insight,
you wouldn't be here.
Pretty girly like you
You ought to meet a nice guy,
get knocked up, stay at home,
squirt out a couple brats, bake
a few pies while you're at it!
Now, wait a minute!
Again.
That's what
they're going to say.
I love this guy.
Hee, hee, hee!
Listen, I'm going
to make a few calls,
bark up a couple right trees,
and I'll get back to you.
I'll take care of it all.
You just leave
everything to me, okay?
We swear to cherish and defend
the honor of the League.
We swear to cherish and
defend the honor of the League.
In the face of danger
and torture and even the hurling
of our dismembered bodies
into the the deep void of space.
Oh, that's special creepy.
And now, by the eternal flame
of Valhalla, we, the mighty few,
the divinely chosen,
shall enjoy the exclusive fruits
that belong to us and us alone.
Our birthright, the glory,
and the spoils of our righteous
victory over evil.
Oh, that's a long one.
Try.
There's no way.
Just
Okay.
By the eternal flame of Valhalla
of val-la-la.
We, the mighty few,
the divinely chosen
Mighty few
and the excluded fruity
belong to us and us alone
that's the story the glory
and that's the glory of love.
righteous victory over evil.
Amen.
Yes, well, close enough.
And now
the two new Leaguesmen shall
assume the position.
Wha The position?
We shall deliver them
from the ranks
of the great unwashed
with 1,000 strokes each
from the cleansing paddles
of transformation.
Thousand?
Did he say thousand?
Yeah.
Ooh.
Ohh.
Hey, fellas.
We're in.
Sue them.
But maybe I was wrong.
Maybe it is a meritocracy,
and I just don't have the goods.
Are you capable of kicking
Arthur's doughy white behind?
Yeah.
Then you have the goods.
Now, sue them.
Sue the spandex pants
off of them,
and not just
for the $100,000 kickback
I'll be receiving
for introducing you
to my lawyer.
Do it for the thank-you sex
I will administer thereafter.
So, how's the League?
It's like
a dream come true.
Well, a bit heinie-centric
for my taste,
but they gave us these
wicked cool rings.
Oh, that's so nice
for you.
Can you believe
that six months ago
I was a bean-counter
at an accounting firm?
Yes, yes, I can.
Tick, is that my ring
or your ring?
It's both our rings, chum!
Ha, ha, ha!
Do you know
what this is?
Paper?
It's a lawsuit.
I'm going to do it.
I'm suing the League.
You're suing
the League?
Well, good luck.
Come on, Tick,
we gotta go.
Sign right here.
Yes! And sign right here
and here.
Yes!
Listen, knuckleheads,
it's simple Captain Liberty
actually has a case against us.
I couldn't let her walk out
of the office.
Any other lawyer would jump
at the chance
to drag us through the mud.
My God, he'd turn this place
into a mess of girls
faster than
you could say "feminazi."
You want that to happen,
now, do you?
Exactly.
So just leave it to me.
Has anyone seen
The Champion?
He wanted a word
with us.
That's me, Tick.
I'm The Champion.
Yeah, nice try, fella.
I don't think so.
Does this help?
Greetings, Champion,
you wanted a word with us?
Yes, you may not
be aware of it,
but your friend
Captain Liberty is suing us.
You're kidding?
No, she seems to think
that this League
discriminates against women.
Oh, well, she can be
a little headstrong.
Actually, I had
a different word in mind.
Foot-strong.
There you are, you sneak!
Look, this place is
for Leaguesmen only!
Champion, short time no see.
I believe we may have
a spy in our midst.
Look, you're friends
with Liberty.
Just tell her to back off.
Explain to her she's
just not League caliber.
Consider it your
first official mission.
Comprende?
Look, fella, this is the last
time I'm going to
We'll catch you later, Champ.
Arthur.
Why don't we just ask Liberty
to join the League?
She's as super
as the next superguy.
Because she
wasn't accepted, Tick.
We just have
to explain that to her.
I don't like it,
not a bit.
You think I do?
Tick, being Leaguesmen is
the biggest thing
that's ever happened to us.
We can't screw it up.
So you got to help me
work this out.
It's just
not friend-y, chum.
You hear something?
d Memories
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
The way we
Were
Anyway, as I was saying
Great.
If you're here to get me
to drop the lawsuit,
then you can
just turn around.
What makes
you say that?
Why would you jump
to that conclusion?
Can't we just visit? Wow.
Just because
we're Leaguesmen.
So then you're not here
to get me to drop the lawsuit.
Not primarily. I mean if
it comes up in the course
of conversation, we might
Tell you to back off and that
you're not up to League caliber.
How dare you two come
into my home,
where I sleep
and eat and live,
pretending to be my friends,
and try and talk me
out of my lawsuit
against you
and your cronies.
Now, that's not
what's happening at all.
Well, then
what is happening?
Oh, well, you know,
all kinds of stuff.
Saw 100 ants eating a grape
just outside your front door.
Get out.
Well, it sounds like
your mind is made up.
You know,
if you really were my friends,
then you would be supporting
instead of betraying me.
Captain Liberty,
we are your friends
even though
we're betraying you.
Evening, boys.
You talk to your friend yet?
Oh, uh,
she wasn't convinced.
Damn,
not backing off, eh?
Ah, she'll take money.
They always do.
So, what are you guys doing
hanging out on this filthy roof?
Oh, nightly patrol,
of course.
You boys aren't slated
for tonight's patrol.
And where's
your photographer?
You don't go on a patrol
without a League photographer
to take publicity shots.
One-Adam-12,
villainy in progress.
To action, chums!
Whoa, there,
firecrackers.
I don't see a robot army down
there or an alien armada.
Jeez, the guy doesn't even
have a battle van.
Look, Tick,
I admire your moxie,
but, please, leave the petty
crime to the cops
and the low-rent heroes.
This kind of thing doesn't
look good for a Leaguesman.
Frankly, it's beneath us.
Yes, and he's running away
as we speak.
Come on, man.
That petty criminal needs a good
swift kick in his bad pants.
Rules are rules, Tick.
League has a reputation to keep.
We have global fish to fry.
You know, our mere presence acts
as a deterrent.
I want you to think
of us precisely
as you would
nuclear weapons.
What, you mean we sit around,
do nothing, and scare everybody?
Exactly.
Invasion of alien robots?
Close.
Martinis at the club.
Let's go.
That's right, people
Sign up now and join
the class action lawsuit
against those sexist,
prejudiced glory hounds.
How many of you have applied
for League membership only to be
turned down by questionable
circumstances?
I have.
Tiny Man, tell the others
why you were rejected.
They said I wasn't tiny enough.
Heightist bastards.
Batmanuel.
Yes, hello, Steve.
Really?
That's fanta
Um, I'll call you back.
They've proposed
a settlement.
No. Manuel,
look at these people.
This case isn't even
about me anymore.
If I were to take
a settlement now,
I wouldn't be able
to live with myself.
I will live with you in
a big house with big gates
to keep people
like this out.
Hey.
Not you, them.
Look at this figure.
With that kind of money,
you can start your own league,
an all female league
of superladies.
They could live with us
in our big house.
If I sell out now, I'm
no better than the Tick
or Arthur
or the rest of them.
This is not
a competition.
Since when did it
become a competition?
So, what's happening, guys?
Oh, we were
just talking about Mars.
Yes, have you been?
Been?
Oh, well, you
know, we've thought about going,
but it's awfully dusty, Mars,
and red, it's too damned red.
You're a funny guy,
Abner.
Red and dusty
and red!
It's a dusty planet!
It's a red, dusty planet!
Somewhere in this city
that petty criminal is laughing
at us, rolling his
ill-gotten booty.
And he should laugh,
because we stink.
Smells like
everybody's smoking feet.
Looking for the wicked,
gents?
Nah. We're just flipping around
on the live security crime cam.
Hey, hey, that's the petty
criminal right there.
And that's Batmanuel!
Oh, no.
Please tell me
you're recording this.
It's Batmanuel.
This is going
on the blooper reel for sure.
Hey!
That's our friend
down there!
Yeah, you big
laughy jerks.
Liberty's right.
You're a bunch
of spoiled brats!
"Oh, let's laugh
at everybody.
"Let's all be mean
and lazy.
And let's have
no women allowed."
Well, I think it stinks
to high heaven.
Yeah, so you can color us girly
because these go-go boots
are made for walking,
you snobby snob-heads!
I'm glad we ripped
your high-faluting parchment.
You ripped what?
Well, he I We
It was an accident.
Tape is good.
Captain Liberty?
Oh, go away, you creep.
No, you don't understand.
We are here
to help you.
Tell that to my lawyer.
We're going to.
That's why we're here.
Look, we're sorry
about what happened.
We want to make it
up to you.
What, are you trying to guilt me
into dropping the lawsuit now?
Yeah, that's a nice try.
No, uh, actually, we
Steve!
Steve?
Holy crap.
That's your lawyer?
Best in the business.
Something familiar
about that twitchy barrister.
Bloody hell.
Hello, Steve.
Why don't you tell everybody
here who you really are?
I'm Steve Filbert,
a powerful and dangerous
attorney that you don't want
to have as an enemy.
No, he's not.
He's The Champion.
Yeah, that's right
he's the champion.
The champion of the little guy
and the underdog, you sellout.
Amen.
Steve, wha
Where you going?
Oh, I'm, uh, late
for an appointment.
I thought we had an appointment.
Okay, fine.
I'm sick.
Can't a guy be sick
for once?
I remember you.
You're that weird guy
with the glasses
that kept sneaking into
the locker room at the League.
Go away!
What sinister subterfuge
are you up to now?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Oh, you're not going to get away
this time, slippery.
Hey, Champion,
what are you doing here?
Wait. You're The Champion?
No, not at all.
Hey, where'd
The Champion go?
I'm stunned. I would've thought
you'd make a much better lawyer.
Darlene?
Get rid of these people.
Darlene, how does it feel
working for The Champion?
The Champion?
Oh, my God!
Actually, if you take off your
glasses you do look like him.
I am not The Champion!
Yes, you are!
Five years of selling this guy
tuna sandwiches
I never noticed.
Tom, buddy,
I'm not The Champion.
The hell you're not.
Hey!
Twenty years we're friends and
partners, and you never tell me?
You know how much business
we've lost because of you?
Okay, okay,
I'm The Champion.
You happy now, you morons?
Just leave me alone.
Oh, I think we have
some business to discuss.
Fine, double the settlement.
Triple it!
Let's go get lunch.
Sounds good.
I'm starving.
Hey, we'll see you,
Champ.
Any calls?
Well, they closed the League,
filing chapter 11.
Chapter 11?
Bankruptcy.
Mm-hm.
Congratulations, Janet! You
brought the mighty League down.
Yeah, but that means they don't
have to pay me the settlement.
But our big house
full of superladies.
Meanwhile, they changed their
name to the Superhero Company.
Limited Partnership and moved
into a new headquarters.
At least The Champion
got outed.
Or Steve.
Hold that phone, chum.
Let's review: The superhero is
The Champion.
And the lawyer was
Steve.
And how do they
know each other?
They're the same person.
21 Jump Street,
now I'm completely lost.
Tick, Steve Filbert and The
Champion are the same person.
Tick, Steve Filbert,
and The Champion
are the same person.
Great guns, the three
of us all crammed
into the same snappy
business suit.
How do we do it?
No, Tick, no.
Steve Filbert and The Champion
are the same person.
You're somebody else.
I'm somebody else too
All right.
Give me a hint.
Hey, fellas
We're in.
Do you guys eat?
Is this where everybody dines?