The War at Home s01e06 Episode Script

At no time in history has a culture been so focused on how they look as we are today.
Between the LASIK, liposuction, tummy tucks, the Botox, the collagen, it's out of control and who's responsible? The media, and God bless 'em.
I mean, who wants to look at fat, ugly people? Larry.
What? Look, I'm glad you borrowed it, but give it back.
Give what back? You know.
I seem to be missing a certain magazine.
My Penthouse.
You have Penthouse? What's the matter with you? You sick? No.
Then why are you laying around here on a Saturday afternoon? I don't know.
Just tell me what's bothering you? I don't have a girlfriend.
That's great.
Okay, Dad.
Thanks for making me feel better.
No, no, no.
This is great, because this is finally something I can help you with.
Help me? You're the reason I don't have one.
Everyone at school thinks I'm gay since you outted me.
You're still upset about that? That was like a week ago.
Come on, Larry, you were in a musical.
Tap dancing.
In a sequined vest.
Any father could have made that mistake.
Yeah, well, getting a girlfriend is gonna be impossible now.
Yeah, it's gonna be impossible.
You know why? Because you're sitting here saying things like, "It's gonna be impossible.
" Look, here's the thing.
I sell insurance for a living, okay? The one thing in the world nobody ever wants to buy, but with the right words and some scare tactics, I make it happen.
I'm sure there's some girl you can do that to.
Great.
So I have to scare a girl into liking me.
No, no, no, no.
You just have to say the right things.
You know, that's the whole key to getting girls confidence.
You just have to think of yourself as a stud and they're gonna think of you that same way.
Now how do you think I got your mother? Two bottles of Riunite and a questionable "aspirin.
" Now, you wanna change your attitude? Tell me you can do it.
Fine.
No, no, no.
Get up.
Come on.
Get up.
Tell me you can do it.
I can do it.
Jeez, come on.
Say it with some confidence.
I can do it.
Attaboy.
Who am I kidding? He's gonna be living in this house till he's 50.
You good? Good.
Now I just have to go find my magazine.
What the hell are you doing? That's a men's magazine for men.
Oh, God.
Don't tell me you're going Rosie O'Donnell on me.
Relax, I'm just looking at the boobs.
Not making me feel better.
I'm just trying to figure out what I want mine to look like when I get breast implants.
Ah! Those are nice.
Breast implants? Are you out of your mind? You're gorgeous.
They're not for my face.
You're fine the way you are.
I'm flat the way that I am.
No, you aren't.
And who cares? I care, Dad.
This has been bothering me for a while.
Well, you haven't even had them for that long.
How long could this have been bothering you? Apparently Hillary is talking about getting breast implants.
What? Are you kidding me? Well, you have a big chest.
Why don't I? Well, you know, you probably just take after your dad's side of the family.
You do have two sets of genes, you know.
Hey, don't blame me.
Okay? Even the men on my side of the family have big boobs.
You don't understand.
I mean, if I had bigger boobs, then more boys would like me.
Hey, too many boys already like you.
What your father means is you want the boys to like you for what's on the inside.
The implants will be on the inside.
No, I think she meant your personality.
Trust me, sweetie, large breasts aren't everything they're cracked up to be.
Do you know how hard it is for me to find a top that fits just right? And don't even get me started on how uncomfortable this underwire bra is.
And there's a lot of benefits and you know it.
"Ooh, I'm sorry officer.
I didn't realize I was speeding.
" Okay, let's talk about the constant back pain.
Yeah, she's always complaining about that.
And don't forget sure, they look good now, but in a few years, they're gonna be drooping and sagging down to the floor.
You guys are my parents.
I mean, I'd think you'd want to help me.
Look, you want my help? Here's my help.
You're beautiful the way you are, and 16-year-old girls don't get breast implants.
End of conversation.
Hey, get back here.
What? Magazine, please.
Hey, Dad, can I have a friend come over for dinner tonight? No, I'm tired of feeding Kenny.
Tell him if he wants to come over here to eat, he's got to bring over a roast or something.
It-It's not Kenny.
It's Marla.
Who's Marla? She's Larry's new girlfriend.
You got a girlfriend? N-Not really.
We're just kind of hanging out.
Yeah, but that's what the kids say now, right? Hanging out that means you like each other, doesn't it? Yeah.
So, you do have a girlfriend.
I guess.
Barukh atah Adonai.
Today my son is a man.
Thank you, God.
So tell me, how'd this happen? You know, how'd you two hook up? Well, I was at school, and I just walked up to her, and we started talking, and now we're hanging out.
You mean, now she's your girlfriend? So if I'm getting this right, what you're trying to say is thank you.
You know, for my advice.
It obviously worked.
I guess.
So, can she come over for dinner tonight? Are you kidding me? Any time you want to have a girl over here, you don't even have to ask, even for sleepovers, all right, but just don't tell your mother I said that.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
You're Larry's girlfriend? Marla, come in.
I've heard so much about you.
It's so nice to meet you.
Actually, I'm Hi, Allison.
No, no.
This isn't Allison.
This is Marla, Larry's girlfriend.
No, this is my friend, Allison.
Mom said that I could have her over for dinner, too.
Nice to meet you, Mr.
Gold.
Yeah, hi.
Allison and I are in Spanish class together.
Doesn't she have great breasts? What? What the hell kind of question is that? They're new.
I got them for my birthday.
See, her parents bought her implants.
Yeah, well, I only agreed to feed and clothe you, not turn you into a flotation device.
No offense.
Come on, Dad look how good they look.
Hey, she's only 16.
I'm not allowed to look, not that I want to.
I don't mind, really.
I mean, my dad didn't spend all this money for people not to look.
I'm okay, thank you.
I'll get it.
That must be Marla.
Please be nice, Dad.
Of course I'll be nice.
I'm always nice.
Hey wait a minute, come here.
Fix your hair.
It looks like crap.
Go ahead.
Hi, Marla.
Wow.
I mean, Mrs.
Gold, these could be the best ribs that I've ever had.
Hmm, yeah.
They're so tender and juicy.
What's your secret? Well, you have to marinate overnight, and then there's a little something called coriander.
And Oh, who am I kidding? I went to Chili's and got them to go.
Hey, Marla, how about some vegetables? You know what they say five a day keeps the doctor away, you know? I don't really like vegetables.
I'll have some.
You hate vegetables.
No, I don't.
Allison, uh, could you please pass me the vegetables? It's like an eclipse.
I know you're not supposed to stare, but it's just so beautiful.
You know, if you won't pay for the implants, I can just use my own money.
Good luck with your allowance.
Maybe you can get one now, and in a couple of years, you could pop the other one in.
Is this really dinner conversation? It is at my house.
I don't have to use my allowance.
I can just use the investments that Grandma and Grandpa set up for me.
Hey, your Grandmother didn't get you that money for fake boobs, okay? She gave you that money for college.
Believe me, the boobs'll get her much further.
Well, the-the great thing about breast implants is that your boobs will never sag like Mom's.
Mind if I snag the last one? Go right ahead, Marla.
There's plenty more in the oven.
Oh, good.
You-You got a little schmootz right there.
Thanks.
There you go.
So what'd you think of her? She's a little large if you ask me.
Thank you.
I mean, what are people going to think? I'll tell you what they're going to think.
They're going to think she ate Larry's real girlfriend.
I was talking about Alison and her implants.
Oh.
So was I.
Come on.
I mean, you've got to admit that Marla she's a little, you know I mean she's kind of, you know No, Dave.
Why don't you tell me? Look, I can understand a pretty face with a not-so-good body.
Or a great body with a not-so-good face.
God knows, I've had my share of butter faces.
Butter face? Yeah, everything is good but her face.
Honey, I cannot believe how superficial you're being.
I mean, first you're upset that maybe Larry doesn't like girls.
Now he doesn't like the right girl? Hey, that wasn't a girl he brought over here.
That was an Oompa-Loompa.
I don't know what's wrong with him.
I mean, maybe he's suffering from low self-esteem.
Yeah, makes no sense considering what a supportive father he has.
Look, I think we might need to take him to a professional.
What? I thought you didn't believe in therapy.
What therapy? I meant a hooker.
Come on, Dave.
Marla may not be a supermodel, but she is very sweet.
Yeah, she's sweet.
Her blood's 90% sugar.
I just don't understand this.
It doesn't make sense.
I mean he should be into that Alison, not Marla.
I can't believe you're being such a hypocrite.
You told Hillary it's what's on the inside that counts.
But when it comes to Larry, looks are all that's important? Absolutely.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself.
Absolutely.
Whatever.
Look, I just don't want people to make fun of Larry, you know.
They already have enough to work with.
Larry, let me ask you a question.
Do you like Marla? Yeah, she's great.
Does she like you? Yeah, a lot.
Good.
That's all that matters.
Hey, I'm just curious.
What do you like about her? I don't know.
She kind of reminds me of Mom.
I think they feel real.
How would you know? You've never felt real ones before.
Mike, Mike, stop it.
That's inappropriate.
But you told me the goal in life was to feel as many as possible.
Get out of here.
What, are you crazy? I got to go, Hillary.
Really nice meeting you, Mr.
Gold.
Nice to meet you, too.
See you tomorrow, Larry.
Oh, good night, Mr.
Gold.
Thank you so much for dinner.
I had the best time.
My pleasure.
Hey, that was great.
Can Marla come over again tomorrow night? You did say anytime I want to bring a girl over I can.
Okay, okay, okay.
I get it.
You're doing this to get back at me.
What are you talking about? Marla.
You're bringing her around here to get back at me because you're pissed at me for getting in your business and trying to tell you how to get girls.
Right? What? No.
I like her.
What are you trying to say? Oh, no.
Nothing, nothing, you know.
She's, uh she's perfectly fine, you know.
For a starter girlfriend.
What does that mean? You know, she's your first girlfriend.
You can try stuff on her, build up your confidence.
And then, you know move on.
Why would I want to move on? Well, I just You know, I think that you could do, you know you know, a little better.
You know what? I don't care what you think.
-Wait, wait.
Larry.
-No, no.
There's no satisfying you.
Could you at least pretend to be happy for me? Just once? You know, you're You're you're an ass.
Larry, I didn't Leave me alone! Larry.
I didn't mean it.
So, isn't Alison nice? Hillary, what do you think? You're going to bring your pal over here.
I'm going to see those big fake watermelons and I'm going to go, "Wow.
I'm so stupid.
It is okay for a 16-year-old to get implants.
" Well, yeah, kind of.
Look, you don't need them.
Okay, that's it.
You're not getting them.
Come on, Dad, you can't tell me you aren't more attracted to women with big boobs.
Good morning, Michelle.
Hey, nice to see you, Kim.
Hey, Dave.
How are you doing today? Hey you.
For your information, the only woman I'm attracted to is your mother.
Who's got big ones.
Yeah, I didn't marry her for her chest.
If I had a big nose, then you'd let me get a nose job, wouldn't you? Well Or if I had big Dumbo ears that stuck out then you'd let me fix them.
This is not the same thing.
No, it's not.
This is much more important.
But, you know, I don't even know why I'm discussing this with you.
You wouldn't understand anyways.
Look, I understand that your friend got some and now you want some.
That's what this is all about.
No, it's not.
This is not about my friend.
This is about me.
This is how I feel about myself.
And I feel inferior.
Oh, come on.
Come on, give me a break.
You don't think I notice how girls with the big boobs get all the attention when they walk into a room? I mean, it doesn't matter how smart I am or how pretty I am.
I'm constantly being judged for what's here or what's not here.
And you know what? It hurts.
Oh, come on, sweetie.
I No, I'm tired of always feeling self-conscious or intimidated.
I mean, do you have any idea what it's like to not feel good about yourself all the time? You told her she could get implants?! Of course not.
I just said I'd think about it.
What's there to think about? You know, if she had weird ears or a big nose, we'd let her fix that, right? I mean, we want her to feel good about herself, right? Have self-confidence.
Where is this coming from? Oh let me guess.
Hillary? Well, she makes a very good case.
Let me ask you a question.
By any chance, was she crying when she made this good case? Yeah.
A little.
But it's a very emotional thing.
See, you wouldn't understand because you have big ones.
She totally worked you.
No, no, no, no, no.
You weren't there.
It really hurts.
You have no idea what it's like to be self-conscious.
To not feel good about yourself.
Damn it, she was working me.
Well, now what are we going to do? I mean, we tried reasoning with her.
We tried putting our foot down.
We gave her that load of crap that guys should like her for her personality.
Now what? So your dad and I thought about what you said.
And we've decided if it's that important to you you can have the implants.
Really? Yes, you can.
Oh, my God.
I love you guys.
You're the best parents in the world.
But But what? But before we do that for you, you have to do something for us.
You have to get straight A's for the rest of the year.
No B-pluses, no A-minuses-- A's.
Okay, that's fair.
I can do that.
All I have to do is actually study.
Oh, my God! That reminds me, I have a math test tomorrow.
Or was it today when I cut class? There's no chance she'll ever get straight A's, right? Trust me, the only A's that girl will have at the end of the year will be the two sitting on her chest.
She'll just end up with decent grades and no implants.
Good.
Then the only one she can be mad at is herself.
Exactly.
For once, we're the good guys.
What's going on? You're pissed at me, huh? Look, I don't blame you.
Let me let you in on a little secret.
Sometimes I can be an idiot.
You know what? Don't even bother.
I kind of consider you to be my starter dad, and I've already moved on to a new one.
Okay, okay.
There you go.
Now we're talking, right? Huh? Okay, what do you want, an apology? Fine.
Look, I'm sorry.
I get it.
You're not me, you're you.
Is that the best you've got? I sure hope my new dad's better at this than you are.
Okay, look, Larry.
If you like Marla, and she likes you, that's all that matters.
Okay, it doesn't matter what I think.
Look at me.
I'm sorry.
Okay? Okay.
All right, good.
Look, just promise me if things move forward that you're going to be careful, all right? You mean that I should always practice safe sex? Actually, I was thinking, "Don't let her get on top.
" Yeah, that's what I meant.
Oh I'm not interrupting, am I? Go on.
I'll just sit here quietly.
What happened to me? What are you talking about? This my body.
I mean, it used to be so much more You know, I used to be so and now it's just What are you talking about? Huh? You look great.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I look great for a woman who's had three kids.
I mean, you said it yourself, Dave.
Pretty soon I'll have to kick them out of the way so I can walk.
Oh, stop it that was for Hillary's sake.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should get a breast reduction.
What are you crazy? Listen to me.
Everybody's breasts in this house are staying exactly the same.
Let me tell you something, okay.
You are beautiful, okay? And sexy as hell.
I know that.
It's not about what you think.
It's about what I think.
Okay, listen.
I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but last week at the barbecue, the guys and I were playing this game.
It's called "If I had to, whose wife would I do.
" And they all picked you.
They all picked me? Are you kid Really? There's really no such game.
I made it up, but sometimes you got to lie to your wife.
It's for their own good.
But actually, that game does sound kind of fun.
Wow, that's really saying something.
'Cause some of those women, they look good.
Yeah, but not as good as you.
Hey, wait a minute.
Whose wife did you sayyou would do? Aw, it doesn't matter.
It was that Mindy, wasn't it? Please, talk about a butter face.
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