The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e06 Episode Script

Captain! Oh, Captain, we are going to make it, aren't we? Of course we are.
This here is the finest, most powerful boat on the river, the Delta Belle.
We've got armed guards in there, the best pilot on the Mississippi.
Nothing's going to happen to us, Miss Previne.
I sincerely hope not, Captain.
I sincerely hope not.
Yes, ma'am.
If there's anything I learned about this rotten business dead men tell no tales.
Where are we? I just got a flash of the steeple in Springfield.
I'm laying her over to it now.
By thunder, I think we're going to make it.
Did you doubt it? You know darn well I did.
So did you.
If it hadn't been for that bonus, I'd never have left New Orleans.
Yeah.
Three more hours, and we're in Vicksburg, safe and sound.
Pray God.
Watch it! Look out for the rocks! There's the steeple, the steeple! Out of my way! Get out of there! Move! Got word they fished his body out of the river two hours ago.
That's the fourth investigator we've lost in as many weeks.
Moore, Fisher, O'Neill, now Hackett.
And all of the causes listed as accidental.
Hackett was a good swimmer.
I don't believe he drowned.
You think he might have been aboard the Delta Belle when she went down? The others were fished out of the river, too.
That makes it just too coincidental for me, Artemus.
They must have been onto something.
Or somebody.
Remember, Artemus, there hasn't been a trace of the boat or any cargo.
The only clue we have is a roulette chip from The Pot of Gold.
Hackett's luck.
He didn't live long enough to cash it in.
So, now I'll try mine.
Uh, book says there's a law against us Secret Service fellows gambling, remember? It's our only lead.
At least it's a place.
You cover the river section of Fitch Landing, and work your way up to me.
I'll be glad to.
It's only 150 miles.
Jim? Put that on number 13, will you? For Hackett.
Welcome, sir.
Welcome to The Pot of Gold.
Blackjack, poker, dice, roulette.
Take your pick of the table, sir.
And no limits.
It's quite a place you have here.
Or I had.
The river's dying on its feet.
The boats, disappearing.
Yes, it's got so everybody's afraid to go on the river anymore.
The whole tourist trade- shot into Hades.
This chip come from your casino? My hobby is remembering faces, and I, uh I've never seen you in action around here before.
A friend of mine couldn't come tonight.
He gave me this chip to play for him.
His name's Hackett.
Hackett.
Hackett.
Oh, yes.
Hackett.
Real unlucky fellow.
Yeah.
Real unlucky.
Never cried, though, like a lot of them cry when they lose.
If he did cry, he won't cry anymore.
He took a long trip.
Oh.
Seems like black could be your friend's color.
Call me Crystal.
James West.
Well, take care of Mr.
West, Crystal.
Very good care.
James? Jim? Or Mr.
West? Take your choice.
Black.
Let it ride.
My friend never play at your table? A lot of men played at my table.
Names, faces- they're all one to me.
You think I'd remember.
It's nice to be remembered.
Seems like your friend's luck could be changing.
That would be an improvement.
What time do you finish? Will you have dinner with me, or should I say breakfast at that hour? I'm afraid not.
You are lucky, Mr.
West.
Does that mean you've changed your mind about dinner tonight? Aah! Why did you set me up? Get out of here.
Not until you answer some questions.
I have nothing to say.
You were cheating, letting me win.
Why? I like you.
You know that.
Then why are you running away? They were supposed to find me with my pockets turned inside out and dead, and not ask too many questions.
That was the idea, wasn't it? A victim of robbery.
No.
No.
You're repeating yourself.
It's time for some "yes" answers.
Let's begin with, "Yes.
" What do you know about my friend Hackett, and, yes, who put you up to this? You've gotten me all wrong.
Convince me.
There was no one.
Then I'll have to convince you.
Hackett was working for the government.
So am I.
Hackett was murdered, and so were three other government agents before him.
And tonight, they tried to kill me.
A simple accident.
Who knows? Maybe you're next.
Another accident.
No! You're still repeating yourself.
Or maybe it won't be the river.
A simple drowning.
Or maybe they have something special in mind for you, Crystal.
I-I was given the message.
Instructions to let you win.
I was going to be paid.
Who by? I don't know.
Crystal? I don't know.
C Co Coffin.
Coffin.
I can forgive a mistake made by a man.
None of us are all that perfect.
I can excuse a misjudgment, underestimation, even a failure.
Mr.
West is not an ordinary man, but cowardice- that is unforgivable.
Wouldn't you say so, Poavey? Wouldn't you say, Poavey?! I wouldn't do nothing like that, Captain.
Liar! Poavey it's written in your eyes.
You're the liar, Captain! You can't see anything with them eyes.
I can see right through them to your rotten soul.
Your heart bleeds yellow! No man calls Poavey a coward! Coward! Coward Get rid of him quickly.
And now, Oriana, we must devote some thought to Mr.
West.
His train is still going north.
He himself remains here.
He's a dangerous man, and that requires something quite out of the ordinary.
Jennifer Wingate- we've called on her before- several times.
Is she beautiful? But beautiful enough to interest a man like Mr.
West? But not as beautiful as you Oriana.
So lovely.
So uniquely lovely.
Oh, Oriana, my golden one.
Send a message of instruction to Jennifer Wingate.
Tell her to make contact with James West.
She has never failed to kill.
I tell you, Jim, this crew would put Captain Kidd to shame- one speck of debris from The Dixie Belle found floating 100 miles downstream from here.
What I'd like to know is how he does it.
And who's Coffin? Right.
That's all the poor girl said, huh? "Coffin"? That's all she had time to say.
That bar of soap on the floor- could you hand it to me, please? Well, it could be the fellow's voice is changing, Jim.
Could be.
Clumsy.
Now, will you please hand me the soap and get out of here? But lady, you're on the wrong side.
Jim I know, but the ladies' side is occupied.
Jim, don't be so old-fashioned, will you? In Japan, everybody bathes together.
This is not Japan.
Ah.
this is not Japan.
And you have more investigating to do.
Uh, y-y-yeah, l-look, let me just clean up a little bit There's no need, uh If you were a gentleman, you would leave with your friend.
And if you were a lady, you wouldn't be here in the first place.
Would you like me to call the manager? Under the circumstances, that might be very interesting.
I'll wait outside.
Oh, oh, sir Name's West James West.
Mr.
West, would you kindly hand me that towel, please? Discreetly.
I'm always discreet.
The towel, please.
For some reason, bathing invariably gives me an appetite.
It often has the same effect on me.
Wonderful- then we can have dinner tonight.
We can share a finger bowl.
Hardly.
We haven't been properly introduced.
My name's James, and yours? Jennifer Wingate.
Now, the towel, please, Mr.
West.
James.
Dinner? Dinner.
Mmm Mister I heard you was looking for someone.
Well, if I were looking for someone, sugar, I could stop right now, huh? What, uh, friendly thing did you have in mind? Conversation? Charming way to start.
What'll we talk about first? What you want to know about.
Facts of life? Ask me anything.
I suppose the first subject of conversation should be money, huh? I don't want your money.
Well, that's interesting.
What, then? Revenge.
Aw a woman scorned.
A father killed! Cold blood, just like that.
I want to see the man who killed him dead.
Coffin? Coffin.
Ansel Coffin.
What'd your father have to do with Coffin? He was one of his men.
Not that I excuse him for helping do Coffin's dirty work but no human should be choked like a rat! Sugar, I want Coffin more than you do.
Where do I find him? I don't know.
He's got a place hidden away.
My father would never say where.
Sugar, you're not helping me.
It's your friend who needs the help.
Friend? Now what friend would that be? Jim West.
Jim West Jim West.
He's gonna be dead.
Coffin hired somebody to kill him.
You do know something, don't you? Who? A girl Jennifer.
Her name is Jennifer Wingate.
Thank you, Miss, uh Poavey.
Glory Poavey.
Thank you, Miss Poavey.
I'll talk with you again sometime.
Next time you talk to me, tell me about Coffin's funeral.
Miss Poavey, it'll be a pleasure.
I complement myself on this dish, Mr.
West- a recipe handed down through several generations of my family.
Old World or New? Does that make a difference? It has been said that the Old World recipes were so highly seasoned that they disguised their true taste and flavor.
Such as, Mr.
West? You may go now, Arnold.
Such as was the custom of the vendetta in the Old World.
You mean that such dishes often contained poison? That has been said.
We're not related, so you, of course, would have nothing like that to worry about.
Of course.
And why would a girl like you want to revenge herself against a charming, defenseless man like me anyway? I would never use poison.
What would you use? Let us have some secrets from each other shall we? I suppose everyone has their own style you yours, I mine.
The luxury of choice is always in the hands of the aggressor.
I'm the passive type.
Which are you at the moment? You're not afraid of me, Mr.
West? You're a woman.
If I weren't afraid of you, I'd be a reckless fool.
And my lips do they frighten you, too? Especially your lips.
Be a reckless fool, darling.
Try mine.
I don't know you that well.
You talk too much.
Who's Coffin? I suppose I'll have to tell you now.
Why fight it? I'm afraid I singed your bullet-proof vest.
That's all right.
I'll send it to the foundry for repairs.
I'm sorry, darling.
Think nothing of it.
It's insured.
Do you ever take it off? Only on my birthday.
Happy birthday, darling.
About Coffin.
It would have been a shame to have killed you, darling.
Some other time.
You were saying about Coffin, darling? He does want you killed.
You'd be flattered at how much money I was going to be paid.
Of course, there was nothing personal about it.
Naturally.
I like your style, Mr.
West.
Now, why don't you take off your bullet-proof vest? About Coffin, and riverboats, and Old World recipes? It's a way of life, and one does have to live these days.
I pass on information about every riverboat that passes by.
The name, destination, cargo, that sort of thing.
What's the information for? I don't know.
The boats are being wrecked.
How about the cargos? Stolen, and then sold.
The passengers? Killed.
You're a naughty girl, Jennifer.
I don't want to be not really.
If you mean what you say, take me to where Coffin is.
When I shot you, it was a signal to Arnold.
He released a pigeon.
The message said you were dead.
But you and I know differently.
Pity.
About what? When I do take you to Coffin, he will kill you.
Like you said a way of life.
Well, now, shall we eat? Delicious.
Delicious, darling.
Cozy surroundings.
Like a graveyard, darling.
It's not too late to turn back.
You tempt me, Jennifer.
Maybe in some other life.
If you live that long.
Thank you for waiting, gentlemen.
I brought him to you.
I sent word so you'd be ready for him.
I told you to kill him, not to bring him here.
I tried.
You failed.
No one comes here unless I send for them.
I do not tolerate such failure.
I will decide what to do with her later.
She did the best she could, Captain Coffin.
It's not her fault I'm still alive.
But not for long, Mr.
West.
My companions- scum, riffraff, cutthroats from every treacherous coast in the world.
Zanzibar, Hatteras, Key West, Cornwall Wreckers, and none better or worse.
Not that way, Farley.
For you, Mr.
West, I have other things in mind.
I think I've drawn your fangs, Mr.
West.
This is my headquarters and my home.
Looks more like a warehouse.
when I had my eyes, I might have said the same thing.
An explosion took away my sight and my livelihood.
I was the finest pilot on the Mississippi.
I still am.
You'd be amazed how blindness sharpens the other faculties.
Everything here is for the pleasure of my senses.
Smell.
Touch.
Hearing.
And this is my greatest treasure.
The one I prize above all the others.
Oriana, my wife.
Are you afraid of him now? She has a premonition about you, Mr.
West, but presently, I will give her final, positive proof that you can no longer harm me.
Exquisite, isn't she? One of the loveliest women I've ever seen.
Praise from a connoisseur.
You must thank him, Oriana.
Go ahead.
You are very kind, Mr.
West.
A Chinese potter always deliberately flaws his work to avoid perfection.
Her voice is Oriana's flaw.
A flatboat is leaving Natchez.
How do you know that? One of my eyes has seen it.
Come here.
From one end of the river to the other, I have 1,000 agents- my eyes.
Nothing moves on the river, even a small, unimportant flatboat, that I don't know about.
From hour to hour, I know the whereabouts of every vessel.
And you destroy them- how? There are critical points where a pilot lays his course according to landmarks- a tree, a rock, a steeple.
We provide alternate landmarks.
And the ships wind up on the shoals.
Exactly- to be looted, dismantled, burned.
To vanish.
A month ago, there were 100 vessels here.
Now only two, and a flatboat.
No question it's been most profitable.
Gleanings, gleanings.
Tomorrow I will send a message to the President of the United States demanding a tribute.
One cent for every pound of cargo that I permit to move freely along the river.
Impossible; you'll never get away with it.
Your voice betrays you.
You're not at all sure it's impossible.
What's to stop me? In a year, I'll be the richest man in history.
It's nearly time.
Dooley! To the cage.
The storm's upon us, Mr.
West.
If you look behind you, you'll see there's a lightning rod attached to your cage.
Already, the very ground is charged with electrical fluid.
The air tingles with it.
You will be electrocuted.
Where are they? Who, sir? The girl and the man.
You'll have to be more explicit, sir.
What girl and what man? Jennifer Wingate- she is a girl.
And Jim West- he's a man.
And don't "sir" me.
Talk.
Well, sir, I mean, they did dine, sir, and then Miss Wingate had to leave hurriedly to visit a sick uncle, and the gentleman went on about his way.
That sick uncle wouldn't happen to be a man named Coffin, now, would it? "Coffin" is a casket, sir.
A box in which one is usually buried.
Thank you very much.
Jim? Jim?! Forget him, mate.
Uh, you say forget him? May I ask what you mean by that? What I said- forget him, mate.
Ah.
You must know something that, uh, I don't.
Yeah, like you're going to join him real soon, mate.
I see.
And, uh, you gentlemen are going to escort me there? That's right, we're going to take you, right, Lug? Right, Mike.
Well, if it's going to be a long journey, I'm sure you won't mind if I, uh Oh, no.
We'll even go in with you, won't we, Lug? Right.
Well, thank you, thank you.
Ah, drowning's much cleaner.
Yes, gentlemen, it's always been an old tradition of the family among my ancestors.
Almost a, uh, motto of the clan, if you will.
Never take a long journey unless well bathed.
One never knows whom one may meet along the way, and as my father always said to me, "One should always look his best, Artemus.
" Ha-ha-ha! You're the jolly pirate.
And you're daft, mate.
Go ahead and enjoy yourself.
Hold that for me, will you? Thank you very much.
Hey, take the Greeks and the Romans, for instance, eh? Why, they were known for their baths.
All our modern plumbing comes right from their culture.
That goes back centuries.
Thank you very much.
You, uh have heard of baths, haven't you? Not me, mate.
They rust the bones.
Oh, not at all.
They're wonderful.
Why, take soap, for instance.
It's a magnificent invention.
Absolutely evaporates the dirt, tingles the skin, gives one a deep sense of purity.
Soap, soap, beautiful, beautiful soap.
Thank you very much.
I tell you, gentlemen, baths are probably the best things that one can ever take.
You ought to try it sometime.
You too, Mike.
You.
$100 if you tell me where I can find my friend.
Sure.
Where is he? He's where nobody can do him any good.
By now, he's in the river, dead.
Ansel? Yes, Oriana? I have never questioned your wisdom.
But now? Release Mr.
West.
Oriana, soon now the whole river will be mine.
Ansel can we leave here? Go away.
Live in peace? Just when I have them at my feet? I don't want the river to be your grave.
The river will be my throne.
Our throne.
I'll give you the whole world for a kingdom.
I do not want a whole world.
I want you.
Alive.
I want you alive.
I only want to share your love.
You already have all my love, Oriana.
That can never be lost.
I'm afraid that if you kill Mr.
West you'll kill us, too.
I was very fortunate that night the boat blew up and I lost my sight because you were aboard.
You found me on the deck, you stayed with me.
You became my eyes.
You are my life.
Do you think I would let anything or anybody take you away from me? Take us away from each other? I would rather die.
But I am afraid.
Do not be afraid of a dead man! The dead cannot hurt.
Something wrong with your eyes, Mr.
West? Your powder flash blinded me.
Very good, Mr.
West.
But not nearly good enough.
You will have to practice for 11 years in the dark- the darkness of your skull! - to compete with me.
There are weapons all around you, Mr.
West.
Guns knives rifles.
There.
You catch on quickly, Mr.
West.
It will only slightly prolong your life.
Don't make a sound, Oriana.
I have an ingenious weapon for your demise Mr.
West! Ansel! Oriana? Oriana! Oh Ansel.
Oriana.
I'm sorry, but under the circumstances life imprisonment is almost mandatory.
Surely you must have some influence with the judge.
Mmm, mmm, under the circumstances, my recommendation might do some good.
I've already promised I will never again do any of those evil things.
Artemus, do you believe her? I certainly do not.
How can you say that? Easily.
I can't understand it, Jim.
How can you sit there and let yourself be stung by the kiss of death? No, no, Artemus.
No, no, no, really.
For three days and nights, I've been tramping up and down that river without sleep.
Certain that, at the next bend, I'd find you floating somewhere, face down in the water.
I get jumped on by two men and nearly drowned myself in a bathtub! And you say, "No, no, no, Artemus.
No, no.
" Artemus, why should you complain? Coffin put me into a cage and tried to electrocute me.
And she she tried to shoot me.
And at close range.
Aah.
So, I was wrong, darlings.
But there must be some forgiveness in your hearts.
Life? Ten years.
Five.
And of course, time off for good behavior.
Jim I am simply appalled.
How can you even consider leniency at a time like this? This woman tried to kill you.
She tried to kill both of us.
I've turned over a new leaf.
That must count for something.
Besides, do we know how many other monstrous crimes she may have committed? Mmm W-Well, on the other hand, I mean, there's no need to be vindictive, either, you know.
Poor little thing.