The Windsors (2016) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1 Give the people of Britain a referendum on the abolition of the monarchy! Wouldn't it be great if we could get Mum and Dad back together? We could be a happy family again, just like we were in January and February 1994.
- Will you marry me? - Yes! We've got the whole of the British establishment behind us.
What have you got? The National Union of Teachers! It's a win for the Abolish campaign.
The British monarchy is no more.
- What happened? - I'll tell you what's happened.
While you two were off gallivanting on your post-referendum hols, the country's gone to shit.
You've bollocked-up this country more than the Luftwaffe, the unions and the abolition of the grammar school system! - What's happened? - After the public voted to abolish the monarchy, George Osborne ousted Cameron, became President and forced through an even more severe austerity programme.
Without the checks and balances the monarchy provided, there was nothing to stop him.
So, we WEREN'T just a bunch of irrelevant leeches sponging off the state? Quite the opposite.
We were vital, like the filtration system of a sewage works.
In you go! Harry Comrade Harry.
This building's been designated large enough for eight families.
But it's just an apartment! Funny apartment with four floors, three kitchens and 30 rooms.
It's got 20 rooms, actually.
We did a lot of knocking through.
- In you go! - Harry, what's happened to you? Well, without the safety net of the royal family, working as a lackey for the totalitarian state is the only job I could get, so What are they doing? Osborne has banned central heating.
Hey, that's a Constable worth over £10 million! Fuck off! I'm cold.
If it's all so awful, why aren't they rebelling against it? They've been pacified by gladiatorial-style games where aristocratic families fight each other in a battle to the death.
What, like a posh Hunger Games? Is it? I don't watch television.
Well, Countryfile Anyway, it replaces the pomp and ceremony that we used to supply.
It's also their way of killing off the minor royals.
I don't like it! No! I just got the Right Honourable Freddie Windsor in the guts.
He's in the undergrowth, but he won't last long.
And I just decapitated the Duke of Kent.
Oh, who'll present the prizes at Wimbledon now? They should just get an ex-player, like John McEnroe or Steffi Graf.
Actually, that makes a lot of sense.
No-one really knows who the Duke of Kent is.
Was.
You'd be good at that, Kate.
You're no stranger to killing people.
Well, what about Richard, Charles' illegitimate mixed-race son? Why did the brakes fail on his brand-new motorbike? Perhaps someone put a gypsy curse on him.
- That's enough! - Hello, roomies.
- Who fancies dinner? - How did you get all that, Auntie Fergs? Erm, I had to have sex with the grocer.
That's the currency now.
No, the old currency still works.
Oh, does it? I didn't realise.
You're sure you're OK signing the contract? George Osborne! Why are you doing this? President Osborne.
To balance the books and then sell the country to the Chinese.
We're signing the contract a week today.
Now, where's my girlfriend? Pippa! How could you? Turns out I didn't need to marry a prince after all.
- Hey! - Hey, you're Wills, right? I've got a bone to pick.
I came to Britain to see an hereditary monarchy, but when I get here, nada.
I'm going to Denmark, which still has a king.
And when I get Stateside, I'm going to rip Britain a new one on TripAdvisor.
So I've even destroyed the British tourist industry.
William, your kingdom is in grave peril.
King Arthur! But what can I do? I'm one man and the country's pacified by the Hunger Games.
You must use Excalibur.
- But that's just a myth.
- Not at all.
It's real.
It's in the basement of Buckingham Palace.
It has been the source of all the kings and queens of England's power, although it hasn't been used for centuries.
Why didn't you tell George VI about it during World War II? I tried, but when I started talking, he just ran away screaming.
The signing of the contract to sell Britain to the Chinese has been moved forward to tonight.
We've got to get to Buckingham Palace.
NOW! Godspeed, William.
And William? You head Guy Ritchie is making a series of films based on me? - Yeah.
- Try and get Ridley Scott.
It's just us now, sis.
We're the only minor royals left.
Oh, Eugenie I could never kill my own sister.
You mean everything to me.
We've been through so much together.
All our online business ventures, our first forays into work That's six hours I won't forget.
Where is it? It must be here somewhere! Will George Osborne! What are you doing? Saving Britain! Why won't it come? I have royal blood! Ah, but you've abolished the monarchy.
Maybe there are magic words you have to say.
Expelliarmus! Open Sesame.
Izzy, Wizzy, let's get busy! Watch out, Wills! He's got the parliamentary mace! Wake up, Will! - Wake up! - Come on, you fucker! Sorry, I was having the strangest dream.
We'd won, but everything went wrong.
Well, I don't think you're going to have to worry about that.
- Why? - Because we've lost.
The British public have voted to keep the monarchy, the twats! Sorry, I'm just disappointed.
Don't be.
We haven't lost -- we've won.
I was wrong, Kate.
The British public need the checks and balances the monarchy provides.
Being king is just about the most important job there is.
In that case, maybe it's a good thing you've changed your mind because not only do they want to keep the monarchy, they also want you to be the next king.
Skip a generation! Well, as long as Dad's OK about it.
And there's something else -- let's renew our vows.
- Wills, why? - Because I love you and because the British public love pomp and ceremony and if we don't give it to them, there's a very real danger they'll kill each other with axes.
In that case I'd love to.
Sorry it's just me.
The Prime Minister rather tied one on last night.
- That's all right.
- And you're sure you're all right - about stepping aside for your son? - Oh, absolutely.
And, anyway, people will still bow to me because my comments on architecture and the environment are so valuable.
Yes.
Well, if you could just sign that and have it back to me by the end of the week, I'll be off.
Papa, I'm sorry about this.
Oh, my dear boy, don't be.
But you've waited your whole life to be king.
The important thing is there'll still be a monarchy and it'll give me more time to devote to my vital woodlice monitoring work.
We thought you might be upset.
Quite the contrary.
My ideas will no longer be dismissed as the ravings of an over-privileged loony.
They'll be judged on their merits, like my environmentally-friendly servants' quarters pod.
And what about you, Camilla? Oh, I couldn't be happier.
After all, we've still got each other.
David Dimbleby, signing off.
And what a couple of days it's been.
A triumph for the hereditary system.
But that's enough about me and my brother.
It's congratulations again to the house of Windsor.
- Hi, guys.
- Kate! Next queen, eh? I bet you'll be the only one of those who can strip a car to its chassis in 45 minutes.
With just a pair of pliers.
Come to pick up your bridesmaid's dress? No, I wanted to tell you face-to-face -- Wills and I are renewing our vows.
Hang on, when? Pretty soon -- next week.
So we'll have to postpone our wedding.
Only for a year or so.
I am sorry.
Shut your rat-hole! Take your dress and fuck off! Actually, I picked my own out.
- You did what? - I thought you'd be pleased.
Wow! You've got an even nicer arse than Pippa.
What did you say? Wow! You've got an even nicer arse than Pippa.
GET OUT! - Why? I thought we were planning the wedding.
- There will be no wedding.
The one thing I had, the one thing that was truly mine was my arse! And you wouldn't even let me have that.
You bitch! Get out, both of you! Hello, darling.
What have you got there? I'm just making a little pressie for Wills and Kate.
- Can I see? - No.
It's going to be a surprise for everyone.
I'm so enjoying our new life together.
Wasn't it wonderful being able to spend the whole day - cataloguing the insect life in the pond? - Yes.
Which reminds me, I must get my photo off to the stamp people.
Christ, we've been through all this.
You're not going to get your head on a bloody stamp! No, not as monarch -- for my vital beetle work.
They're bound to want to honour me.
- This one's delicious.
- They all are.
I can't believe how supportive Camilla's being in sending us all these Duchy Originals cakes for the reception.
You've just got to learn to look for the good in people, like Leslie Grantham.
He may have been a murderer, but he went on to have a wonderful acting career in EastEnders and The Paradise Club.
But then he got caught by the tabloids, wanking on the internet.
Oh, yes.
Wills, Kate.
Just wanted to wish you well on the eve of your big day.
Thank you, Uncle Edward.
That's very nice of you.
There was a tiny thing I wanted to ask, - but you're busy.
- Not at all.
What is it? I was wondering if I could have the exclusive broadcast rights to your ceremony.
Ah.
Well, that's a bit tricky.
One wouldn't want to be accused of nepotism now, would one? Right.
It's just I don't know if you're familiar with how Chinese triads work out interest on a loan.
Never mind.
Not your prob! It's just that I really am in rather a spot.
Right.
The trouble is, the BBC have already set their cameras up.
Of course they would.
I should know that.
Stupid Edward.
Look, I tell you what.
How about I call the BBC and see if we can get you on as a commentator? Sort of a sideman to David Dimbleby.
Should be a few quid.
Oh, Wills, you don't know what that means.
And I won't let you down, I promise.
I knew it would work out.
I'll give Wo Shing Wo a tinkle.
Talk about restructuring! 'The day of the Royal Renewal of the Wedding Vows, 'and how the British public love it.
' And I'd like to bring in Prince Edward, the Earl of Wessex, at this point.
Your Royal Highness, you must know the happy couple very well.
Oh, yes, yes.
They've got me out of the soup more than once.
But my own fault.
You make your own luck.
Just to remind you, we are broadcasting live to over 20 million people.
Really? Well, if anybody has any gardening jobs or their car needs washing, I am available.
'Thank you, Prince Edward.
'And here's Kate now, arriving at Westminster Abbey 'and looking every inch the future Queen.
' I do renew my wedding vows.
And finally, we've got a telegram from someone who, unfortunately, can't be here today.
It's good old Grandad.
Prince Philip! And here to do the honours is my lovely cuz, Bea.
Thank you.
Thank you.
"You fuckers.
You've only gone and done it again.
"Well, you seem like you're as happy as pigs in shit, "so why the fuck not? "Give her one for me, Wills.
" And then he says, "A fuck, I mean.
" - Aww.
- That's nice.
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand There's no point denying it, Andy.
We just both like the same things.
- Champers.
- Duran Duran.
Setting up meetings between Arabs and British arms manufacturers.
- Fergs? - Yeah? Do you think we should give it another go? Is this a joke? No.
I mean it.
You haven't got your fingers crossed, have you? I'm not going to end up with cake all over my face, or something? Only if that's what you want.
Oh, Andy! - Ooh! - Oh! Isn't it amazeballs, Eugenie? They're finally back together.
Fucking bizarre! It's The Hunger Games people about our idea for a video game based on The Hunger Games.
- They're not suing, are they? - No, they think it's brilliant! They've never thought of a video game based on their film, which is basically a video game.
We've finally made it, Bea! And with one of our own original ideas.
And they're going to give us a shed load to go to America - and develop it.
- This is what we've worked for all our lives, Bea.
We're finally doing it.
Hang on.
They want us to start on Monday.
That's Freddie Windsor's birthday brunch.
And the following weekend's Henley.
And we've still got series five of Pretty Little Liars to watch.
Regretfully, it's going to have to be a no.
Harry.
Pippa.
You're here.
I wanted to apologise.
Shouldn't have got so angry with you.
Does that mean we're getting married? No.
I could never marry you, Harry.
You said some very hurtful things about my arse.
But we can be friends.
But I've done a graph which proves your arse is better than Kate's.
- You did this yourself? - Yeah.
I taught myself to read and write so I could make it, and I used up all my best crayons.
Oh, Harry.
I do want to be with you.
Brilliant.
But how will that work if we're friends? Will it be sort of like Brokeback Mountain? No, Harry, it would be more like Four Weddings And A Funeral, Notting Hill or Love Actually.
- Boring? - No.
I love you.
And I do want us to get married.
Great.
I I love you, too.
We should celebrate.
But they've run out of champagne.
As a party planner, I know exactly where there'll be some.
In a fridge.
Phwoar Oh, Kate.
I've never been happier.
Are you sure you don't want a republic? No.
A sensible, constitutional, inherited monarchy is the only truly democratic way to run a country.
- What are you doing? - Isn't it obvious? Blowing up the Royal Family.
My God! Why? Because it's hard to skip a generation when there's nothing to skip to.
You monster.
Join me.
Marry Harry.
Then, after Charles and I have had our day in the sun, it'll be your turn.
I don't want to kill my sister.
I just want to fuck her over a bit.
I'm not even sure I want to do that any more.
Of course you do.
Which sister did your mother teach to smoke a pipe? It was Kate, wasn't it? And she's had it over you ever since.
We're the same, you and I, Pippa.
Together, we can destroy those ninnies upstairs and carve up the country and rule it between us.
You can take Kensington and Chelsea.
I'll take the Cotswolds.
No! I've never liked you! Pity.
We would have made quite a team.
Ah, well.
- Have you seen Pippa? - No.
It's just, we were in the middle of something and she - said she was getting more drink.
- Again! That girl is poison.
No.
Remember what I said about always seeing the good in people? Yeah, but then you cited Leslie Grantham, - and I pointed out that he'd been caught having a wank.
- Hmm I'll prove there's good in her.
Come on.
She can't be far.
Charles, I'm feeling unwell.
- I want you to take me home.
- Do you remember this, darling? The night before the wedding? They said it wouldn't do if we saw each other, but it just made it all the more exciting.
Then, 25 years later, we had OUR wedding! We've got to go.
Now.
The squits, eh? I told you to lay off the prawns.
Whoa! Help me get her on the table, will you? In a sec.
Pippa! Dear God! A bomb! Get out of here, all of you, while I try and defuse it! We're not going anywhere.
There's no point in all four of us getting killed.
- We're staying.
- But that doesn't make sense.
I know.
- We've got to get out of here.
- You're not going anywhere.
We're waiting for an ambulance, or at least four footmen and a sedan chair.
But there's a bomb in the basement! Poor thing.
She's got concussion.
It's a sedative.
You can get anything in America.
Look, we need something to cut the wires.
Will! Wire-cutters! It won't budge! Just relax and be yourself.
- Which one? - It's red or blue.
Fifty-fifty.
Oh.
Trust your royal instincts, Wills.
Pippa Who did this, Pippa? It was Camilla.
You planted a bomb and tried to kill us all.
Oh, my God.
So that's what she was doing.
You'll spend the rest of your life in prison for this.
No, Pippa.
If Kate's taught me anything, it's that everyone deserves a second chance.
Even Leslie Grantham.
So, Camilla, this is your second chance to look into your heart and find the good I know is in there.
Oh, yes, there's loads of good in there.
Definitely.
And it's a second chance for all of us to provide the sort of leadership this country needs.
To show how we can help people .
.
whether that's through our charity work or by going to Royal Ascot and betting on horses.
And if we do cost the taxpayer over £334 million, plus the Sovereign Grant, then let's not be afraid of hard work.
So, come on! Let's put the "wealth" back into the Commonwealth, the "great" back into Great Britain, the "united" back into the United Kingdom, and the "gland" back into England.
Yeah!
- Will you marry me? - Yes! We've got the whole of the British establishment behind us.
What have you got? The National Union of Teachers! It's a win for the Abolish campaign.
The British monarchy is no more.
- What happened? - I'll tell you what's happened.
While you two were off gallivanting on your post-referendum hols, the country's gone to shit.
You've bollocked-up this country more than the Luftwaffe, the unions and the abolition of the grammar school system! - What's happened? - After the public voted to abolish the monarchy, George Osborne ousted Cameron, became President and forced through an even more severe austerity programme.
Without the checks and balances the monarchy provided, there was nothing to stop him.
So, we WEREN'T just a bunch of irrelevant leeches sponging off the state? Quite the opposite.
We were vital, like the filtration system of a sewage works.
In you go! Harry Comrade Harry.
This building's been designated large enough for eight families.
But it's just an apartment! Funny apartment with four floors, three kitchens and 30 rooms.
It's got 20 rooms, actually.
We did a lot of knocking through.
- In you go! - Harry, what's happened to you? Well, without the safety net of the royal family, working as a lackey for the totalitarian state is the only job I could get, so What are they doing? Osborne has banned central heating.
Hey, that's a Constable worth over £10 million! Fuck off! I'm cold.
If it's all so awful, why aren't they rebelling against it? They've been pacified by gladiatorial-style games where aristocratic families fight each other in a battle to the death.
What, like a posh Hunger Games? Is it? I don't watch television.
Well, Countryfile Anyway, it replaces the pomp and ceremony that we used to supply.
It's also their way of killing off the minor royals.
I don't like it! No! I just got the Right Honourable Freddie Windsor in the guts.
He's in the undergrowth, but he won't last long.
And I just decapitated the Duke of Kent.
Oh, who'll present the prizes at Wimbledon now? They should just get an ex-player, like John McEnroe or Steffi Graf.
Actually, that makes a lot of sense.
No-one really knows who the Duke of Kent is.
Was.
You'd be good at that, Kate.
You're no stranger to killing people.
Well, what about Richard, Charles' illegitimate mixed-race son? Why did the brakes fail on his brand-new motorbike? Perhaps someone put a gypsy curse on him.
- That's enough! - Hello, roomies.
- Who fancies dinner? - How did you get all that, Auntie Fergs? Erm, I had to have sex with the grocer.
That's the currency now.
No, the old currency still works.
Oh, does it? I didn't realise.
You're sure you're OK signing the contract? George Osborne! Why are you doing this? President Osborne.
To balance the books and then sell the country to the Chinese.
We're signing the contract a week today.
Now, where's my girlfriend? Pippa! How could you? Turns out I didn't need to marry a prince after all.
- Hey! - Hey, you're Wills, right? I've got a bone to pick.
I came to Britain to see an hereditary monarchy, but when I get here, nada.
I'm going to Denmark, which still has a king.
And when I get Stateside, I'm going to rip Britain a new one on TripAdvisor.
So I've even destroyed the British tourist industry.
William, your kingdom is in grave peril.
King Arthur! But what can I do? I'm one man and the country's pacified by the Hunger Games.
You must use Excalibur.
- But that's just a myth.
- Not at all.
It's real.
It's in the basement of Buckingham Palace.
It has been the source of all the kings and queens of England's power, although it hasn't been used for centuries.
Why didn't you tell George VI about it during World War II? I tried, but when I started talking, he just ran away screaming.
The signing of the contract to sell Britain to the Chinese has been moved forward to tonight.
We've got to get to Buckingham Palace.
NOW! Godspeed, William.
And William? You head Guy Ritchie is making a series of films based on me? - Yeah.
- Try and get Ridley Scott.
It's just us now, sis.
We're the only minor royals left.
Oh, Eugenie I could never kill my own sister.
You mean everything to me.
We've been through so much together.
All our online business ventures, our first forays into work That's six hours I won't forget.
Where is it? It must be here somewhere! Will George Osborne! What are you doing? Saving Britain! Why won't it come? I have royal blood! Ah, but you've abolished the monarchy.
Maybe there are magic words you have to say.
Expelliarmus! Open Sesame.
Izzy, Wizzy, let's get busy! Watch out, Wills! He's got the parliamentary mace! Wake up, Will! - Wake up! - Come on, you fucker! Sorry, I was having the strangest dream.
We'd won, but everything went wrong.
Well, I don't think you're going to have to worry about that.
- Why? - Because we've lost.
The British public have voted to keep the monarchy, the twats! Sorry, I'm just disappointed.
Don't be.
We haven't lost -- we've won.
I was wrong, Kate.
The British public need the checks and balances the monarchy provides.
Being king is just about the most important job there is.
In that case, maybe it's a good thing you've changed your mind because not only do they want to keep the monarchy, they also want you to be the next king.
Skip a generation! Well, as long as Dad's OK about it.
And there's something else -- let's renew our vows.
- Wills, why? - Because I love you and because the British public love pomp and ceremony and if we don't give it to them, there's a very real danger they'll kill each other with axes.
In that case I'd love to.
Sorry it's just me.
The Prime Minister rather tied one on last night.
- That's all right.
- And you're sure you're all right - about stepping aside for your son? - Oh, absolutely.
And, anyway, people will still bow to me because my comments on architecture and the environment are so valuable.
Yes.
Well, if you could just sign that and have it back to me by the end of the week, I'll be off.
Papa, I'm sorry about this.
Oh, my dear boy, don't be.
But you've waited your whole life to be king.
The important thing is there'll still be a monarchy and it'll give me more time to devote to my vital woodlice monitoring work.
We thought you might be upset.
Quite the contrary.
My ideas will no longer be dismissed as the ravings of an over-privileged loony.
They'll be judged on their merits, like my environmentally-friendly servants' quarters pod.
And what about you, Camilla? Oh, I couldn't be happier.
After all, we've still got each other.
David Dimbleby, signing off.
And what a couple of days it's been.
A triumph for the hereditary system.
But that's enough about me and my brother.
It's congratulations again to the house of Windsor.
- Hi, guys.
- Kate! Next queen, eh? I bet you'll be the only one of those who can strip a car to its chassis in 45 minutes.
With just a pair of pliers.
Come to pick up your bridesmaid's dress? No, I wanted to tell you face-to-face -- Wills and I are renewing our vows.
Hang on, when? Pretty soon -- next week.
So we'll have to postpone our wedding.
Only for a year or so.
I am sorry.
Shut your rat-hole! Take your dress and fuck off! Actually, I picked my own out.
- You did what? - I thought you'd be pleased.
Wow! You've got an even nicer arse than Pippa.
What did you say? Wow! You've got an even nicer arse than Pippa.
GET OUT! - Why? I thought we were planning the wedding.
- There will be no wedding.
The one thing I had, the one thing that was truly mine was my arse! And you wouldn't even let me have that.
You bitch! Get out, both of you! Hello, darling.
What have you got there? I'm just making a little pressie for Wills and Kate.
- Can I see? - No.
It's going to be a surprise for everyone.
I'm so enjoying our new life together.
Wasn't it wonderful being able to spend the whole day - cataloguing the insect life in the pond? - Yes.
Which reminds me, I must get my photo off to the stamp people.
Christ, we've been through all this.
You're not going to get your head on a bloody stamp! No, not as monarch -- for my vital beetle work.
They're bound to want to honour me.
- This one's delicious.
- They all are.
I can't believe how supportive Camilla's being in sending us all these Duchy Originals cakes for the reception.
You've just got to learn to look for the good in people, like Leslie Grantham.
He may have been a murderer, but he went on to have a wonderful acting career in EastEnders and The Paradise Club.
But then he got caught by the tabloids, wanking on the internet.
Oh, yes.
Wills, Kate.
Just wanted to wish you well on the eve of your big day.
Thank you, Uncle Edward.
That's very nice of you.
There was a tiny thing I wanted to ask, - but you're busy.
- Not at all.
What is it? I was wondering if I could have the exclusive broadcast rights to your ceremony.
Ah.
Well, that's a bit tricky.
One wouldn't want to be accused of nepotism now, would one? Right.
It's just I don't know if you're familiar with how Chinese triads work out interest on a loan.
Never mind.
Not your prob! It's just that I really am in rather a spot.
Right.
The trouble is, the BBC have already set their cameras up.
Of course they would.
I should know that.
Stupid Edward.
Look, I tell you what.
How about I call the BBC and see if we can get you on as a commentator? Sort of a sideman to David Dimbleby.
Should be a few quid.
Oh, Wills, you don't know what that means.
And I won't let you down, I promise.
I knew it would work out.
I'll give Wo Shing Wo a tinkle.
Talk about restructuring! 'The day of the Royal Renewal of the Wedding Vows, 'and how the British public love it.
' And I'd like to bring in Prince Edward, the Earl of Wessex, at this point.
Your Royal Highness, you must know the happy couple very well.
Oh, yes, yes.
They've got me out of the soup more than once.
But my own fault.
You make your own luck.
Just to remind you, we are broadcasting live to over 20 million people.
Really? Well, if anybody has any gardening jobs or their car needs washing, I am available.
'Thank you, Prince Edward.
'And here's Kate now, arriving at Westminster Abbey 'and looking every inch the future Queen.
' I do renew my wedding vows.
And finally, we've got a telegram from someone who, unfortunately, can't be here today.
It's good old Grandad.
Prince Philip! And here to do the honours is my lovely cuz, Bea.
Thank you.
Thank you.
"You fuckers.
You've only gone and done it again.
"Well, you seem like you're as happy as pigs in shit, "so why the fuck not? "Give her one for me, Wills.
" And then he says, "A fuck, I mean.
" - Aww.
- That's nice.
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand There's no point denying it, Andy.
We just both like the same things.
- Champers.
- Duran Duran.
Setting up meetings between Arabs and British arms manufacturers.
- Fergs? - Yeah? Do you think we should give it another go? Is this a joke? No.
I mean it.
You haven't got your fingers crossed, have you? I'm not going to end up with cake all over my face, or something? Only if that's what you want.
Oh, Andy! - Ooh! - Oh! Isn't it amazeballs, Eugenie? They're finally back together.
Fucking bizarre! It's The Hunger Games people about our idea for a video game based on The Hunger Games.
- They're not suing, are they? - No, they think it's brilliant! They've never thought of a video game based on their film, which is basically a video game.
We've finally made it, Bea! And with one of our own original ideas.
And they're going to give us a shed load to go to America - and develop it.
- This is what we've worked for all our lives, Bea.
We're finally doing it.
Hang on.
They want us to start on Monday.
That's Freddie Windsor's birthday brunch.
And the following weekend's Henley.
And we've still got series five of Pretty Little Liars to watch.
Regretfully, it's going to have to be a no.
Harry.
Pippa.
You're here.
I wanted to apologise.
Shouldn't have got so angry with you.
Does that mean we're getting married? No.
I could never marry you, Harry.
You said some very hurtful things about my arse.
But we can be friends.
But I've done a graph which proves your arse is better than Kate's.
- You did this yourself? - Yeah.
I taught myself to read and write so I could make it, and I used up all my best crayons.
Oh, Harry.
I do want to be with you.
Brilliant.
But how will that work if we're friends? Will it be sort of like Brokeback Mountain? No, Harry, it would be more like Four Weddings And A Funeral, Notting Hill or Love Actually.
- Boring? - No.
I love you.
And I do want us to get married.
Great.
I I love you, too.
We should celebrate.
But they've run out of champagne.
As a party planner, I know exactly where there'll be some.
In a fridge.
Phwoar Oh, Kate.
I've never been happier.
Are you sure you don't want a republic? No.
A sensible, constitutional, inherited monarchy is the only truly democratic way to run a country.
- What are you doing? - Isn't it obvious? Blowing up the Royal Family.
My God! Why? Because it's hard to skip a generation when there's nothing to skip to.
You monster.
Join me.
Marry Harry.
Then, after Charles and I have had our day in the sun, it'll be your turn.
I don't want to kill my sister.
I just want to fuck her over a bit.
I'm not even sure I want to do that any more.
Of course you do.
Which sister did your mother teach to smoke a pipe? It was Kate, wasn't it? And she's had it over you ever since.
We're the same, you and I, Pippa.
Together, we can destroy those ninnies upstairs and carve up the country and rule it between us.
You can take Kensington and Chelsea.
I'll take the Cotswolds.
No! I've never liked you! Pity.
We would have made quite a team.
Ah, well.
- Have you seen Pippa? - No.
It's just, we were in the middle of something and she - said she was getting more drink.
- Again! That girl is poison.
No.
Remember what I said about always seeing the good in people? Yeah, but then you cited Leslie Grantham, - and I pointed out that he'd been caught having a wank.
- Hmm I'll prove there's good in her.
Come on.
She can't be far.
Charles, I'm feeling unwell.
- I want you to take me home.
- Do you remember this, darling? The night before the wedding? They said it wouldn't do if we saw each other, but it just made it all the more exciting.
Then, 25 years later, we had OUR wedding! We've got to go.
Now.
The squits, eh? I told you to lay off the prawns.
Whoa! Help me get her on the table, will you? In a sec.
Pippa! Dear God! A bomb! Get out of here, all of you, while I try and defuse it! We're not going anywhere.
There's no point in all four of us getting killed.
- We're staying.
- But that doesn't make sense.
I know.
- We've got to get out of here.
- You're not going anywhere.
We're waiting for an ambulance, or at least four footmen and a sedan chair.
But there's a bomb in the basement! Poor thing.
She's got concussion.
It's a sedative.
You can get anything in America.
Look, we need something to cut the wires.
Will! Wire-cutters! It won't budge! Just relax and be yourself.
- Which one? - It's red or blue.
Fifty-fifty.
Oh.
Trust your royal instincts, Wills.
Pippa Who did this, Pippa? It was Camilla.
You planted a bomb and tried to kill us all.
Oh, my God.
So that's what she was doing.
You'll spend the rest of your life in prison for this.
No, Pippa.
If Kate's taught me anything, it's that everyone deserves a second chance.
Even Leslie Grantham.
So, Camilla, this is your second chance to look into your heart and find the good I know is in there.
Oh, yes, there's loads of good in there.
Definitely.
And it's a second chance for all of us to provide the sort of leadership this country needs.
To show how we can help people .
.
whether that's through our charity work or by going to Royal Ascot and betting on horses.
And if we do cost the taxpayer over £334 million, plus the Sovereign Grant, then let's not be afraid of hard work.
So, come on! Let's put the "wealth" back into the Commonwealth, the "great" back into Great Britain, the "united" back into the United Kingdom, and the "gland" back into England.
Yeah!