The Wizards of Aus (2016) s01e06 Episode Script

(quirky music) - I cannot believe this many people showed up.
- I can't believe it's not butter but I am! - Get out of here, Butter Man! - It's pronounced Butterman.
I wasn't planning on staying.
The cry of a dry crumpet calls to me.
Til we melt again! - How don't we just change the law so that only I can stay? - Mhmm.
There, Jack, look at this crowd.
The public are coming around, this isn't a lost cause so just get up there and say something.
- Okay, okay, okay, just gotta get that butter guy out of my head, it's a fucking dude, man.
- [Butter Man.]
You butter believe it! - Quiet! - Hey! Jackie, Jackie Chan, yeah yeah yeah yeah! I didn't know you were having a party.
It's really cool, man (laughs).
- Hello.
- Oh good day, love.
(woman shrieks) - Skulldrich, did you come here just to mock me? - Is that popcorn? - Yes and no.
Yes I am here to mock you but no, these are scarab beetles.
Sorry, mate, they're a little dry.
- But of course! - Neat-o, neat-o petit-o.
But I've got a little speech to make so maybe you could just butter off, bugger off.
- Good on you, Jack.
Break a leg.
- Yeah, leg, spine.
Hell, break it all.
Yeah.
You texting? That's cool.
(marching music) - Okay.
Hi.
- Hey! - Guys, girls.
Whatever that is.
(baby crying) Thank you so much for coming, what a turn out.
It really means so much that you all care about my cause, this cause, our cause, really matters to this many people.
I'm Jack.
- Boo! Boo, am I right? - You might remember me from Fishy Thursday or the time I blew up Morgan Wright's eardrum on television.
- Yeah, nice one ya dickhead! - Or a positive example - What'd do ya think of that? - And I have run out of words.
Lotus.
- Hello, he tried.
Okay, guys, well we all know why we're here so let's just open the floor for public discussion.
- Hi, Marvolo Loprego.
- [Woman.]
Get up.
- Sorceror, level 16.
- Hi, Marvolo.
Enjoy that level sweet 16, mate, it'll be over before you know it.
- What level are you? - Oh, I'm level - You know, you're not the only wizard in town.
Some of us have been here for centuries, going completely unnoticed and then you turn up, turn a railway station into a fish and suddenly we're all being told to fuck off.
- I am (stutters).
- I uh, I uh (spits).
What a cunt! (dramatic sting) - Hey, Zandark, necromancer.
- Hey, Zandark.
- Hey, Skulldrich.
So Zach, so Jack, my bad.
It seems your petition calls for any acts of raising the dead to cease forthwith.
I think that's pretty unfair considering some of our professions, fetishes.
- Gross.
- And what's with no murdering people? - What? - Aw, boo! (crowd heckles) - Stick it up your - Beanbag.
- Cool it, guys, come on.
- Hello, I'm Snot-beak Fuck-Nuggs, spokesgoblin for Saint Cook's Wizards Council for Equal Rights for the attractively impaired.
- Hello.
- Oh yes, your documentation, you have no options for aesthetically-challenged members of the magical community whatsoever.
What's the story there, mate? - I didn't think of it.
I don't know man, look, if you wanna fit in why didn't you change your name from, what was it? Shitbird Dicklips, into something like Tim.
- I'll have you know that Fuck-Nuggs is a proud goblin name.
- You gotta tick on you, mate.
(crowd heckles) - Boo! - You fraudulent poet.
- I hate this man.
- Oh, I've got such a hard-on right now, man.
Fucking Medusa, she took a peek of this and (sputters).
(dog barks) - He hates them.
Look at his shirt! - What? - Skulldrich.
(laughs) - Now that is very offensive.
- He tried to get me to stop Barbie.
Hell, what Australian is that? - She just wanted to be an astronaut.
You murderer! - Won't anyone think about my poor baby bones? - And he can't even keep it up, unlike Enrique.
- And my hot water hasn't been working for days! - That's right, he's a pervert! - He got me so wet in a restaurant that I was late for a date with Brendan Frazier and Rachel Weisz, star of The Lovely Bones and Monkeybone, respectively.
- I like him.
- Thank you, Terry.
- Fuck you, Terry! - Why don't we just send him back? He caused this whole mess.
Why blame the majority for the actions of a minority? - Yeah, what a dickslit.
Send him back! Send him back! Send him back! Send him back! (crowd heckles) - This has been, like a complete and utter, what's the expression, like a locomotive disaster, like a bunch of people on the metro who die in a crash.
- A trainwreck? - No, anyway, why did I think this was a good idea? I left home to escape these lunatics, and now I've given them a rallying point, me.
- Jack, this was a good idea.
And granted, it maybe against you now but for good reason (mumbling) but they all need this vote to go through so just get them on side.
- I can't do that, they hate my guts.
I'm pathetic.
- You're not pathetic.
Okay, look, you've made some mistakes but you're a good guy.
Just stand up and speak from the heart.
You've got this.
I believe in you.
Be charming.
(laughs) You can do charming.
- [Voiceover.]
Boo! (melodramatic music) - Hey, this baby-eating fuck is (dramatic music) - Hey! Listen, I know I'm nobody's favorite person right now and I know that I got us into this mess but please let me get us out of it.
Why are you all here? Why would anybody leave their home for somewhere so different and so strange? I can tell you why I came here and it's cheesy but I came here 'cause I love this city and I love this country.
I love that I can check my mail without being buried in owls, I love that I can go to the beach without fear of kraken attack.
I love, that by and large, there aren't many butter people here trying to assault my toast with slip-free cholesterol.
- I'll get you yet.
- But what I love the most is that in spite of my accidents, in spite of all the times I've fucked up I've actually felt pretty welcomed here.
And for someone like me, that's everything.
And do you not all feel welcome? All of us, outsiders, black sheep, eye kings.
- Aye! - Wizards.
- Aye! - Necromancers.
- Aye! - Terries.
- Aye! - Goblins and mummy lords.
- He and I once strangled a puppy to death for no reason.
We were just bored.
- And assorted others.
- [Butter Man.]
You're churning me on! - Fuck you, Butter Man! New settlers have always been welcomed in this country but let's show them that we're worth the effort.
Let's show 'em that we can be Australians too.
(crowd cheers) (dramatic music) (crowd cheers) (dogs barking) - Well, Jack, I never knew how passionately you felt about this place.
I mean, look, I feel like a bit of a bloody dill pickle saying this, but, the reason I wanted you back home was because I miss you.
I miss having someone around that I could just fucking hate, you know, and I do.
I hate you.
- I hate you too, man.
(laughing) - Gotta admit though, I did get you to use magic again.
- Yes, you did, you cheeky fucker.
(laughing) - Watch your language you cunt.
Alright, I'm outtie (sighs).
(light melodic music) (woman laughing) - You did it, Jack.
- We did it, Kylie.
This is the start of something great, a long life here in Melbourne.
It's beautiful.
Allow me.
(twinkling sound) (twinkling sound) - Yeah, okay, stop it, stop it, Jack.
I know how to eat.
(laughs) I am happy for you, though.
And I'm proud of the small part that I played in helping you find a home.
- Small part? Thanks to you I found a new home and I think I've found someone I wanna share it with.
- Oh! (laughs) (light melodic music) - Jack, Jack, what do you think you're doing, Jack? - What do you mean? We won, now we kiss, that's how this ends.
- No, no it isn't.
Look, you're a really nice guy but I'm aggressively unattracted to you.
- But where I'm from, we win the quest, we kiss the maiden.
- Oh, well that's fucked up! Just because I'm the only woman you know, Jack, doesn't mean that we are destined to be together.
If I was interested, I probably wouldn't have taken you speed dating.
- But you kissed me.
- Jesus Christ, there is a big difference between a kiss on the cheek and a cock in my mouth.
- What? - What do you mean, whoa, what? - It's gross.
I don't know, it's weird, it's vulgar.
- Fuck you, it's vulgar! You just pulled me against my will to your gaping moor and I am not into wispy, beard mouth.
- I'm not sure I understand what's happening right now.
- Typical.
Look, Jack, I'm really happy that I could help you, really I am.
Maybe I'll see you around.
(melancholy music) - Well, at least wizards can live in Melbourne now.
Yay! Well, at least I haven't ruined everything.
I have ruined everything.
(exploding sounds) - Good question.
I think Melbourne has changed since the wizards, you know, showed up now that you mention it but it's always been a hectic city, so much hustle and bustle, you know? I love it.
- As a vegetarian, I couldn't be happier since my husband was turned into a cauliflower.
- As a pescatarian, I couldn't be happier with my new neighbor.
- Good day.
- Since the wizards took over, metro trains have been running on time if not slightly in the future.
(mumbles) - Good day, hello, good to see you.
Yeah, look, alright I'll admit when the johnny-come-latelies first turned up I was on serious bloody tender hooks, you know what I mean? But when they showed me the beauty of the self-battering fish well I've been making some yahoo serious dosh.
- Why must everything I love die? I mean, I finally got a place that I fit in, sort of.
I left to escape this bullshit now I'm knee, no cock, no neck fucking deep in it! It all followed me over, all of it! Huh.
(light pleasant melodic music) At least it's peaceful.
I mean, fucked up a good city, ruined a lot of lives (sighs) but hey, this is nice.
(light pleasant music) - Well, everyone else is gone but I'm glad you changed your mind.
It feels right, doesn't it? Like old times.
- I don't know, man, it's been a weird month.
I mean, everything I have ever loved has either died or turned to shit.
Maybe I should just embrace something I hate.
- I hate you, Jack.
- And I hate you, Skulldrich.
Now and forever.
(dramatic music) (moaning) (vomiting sounds) (screaming) (light pleasant music) - Thus, the circle of life continues its dance into eternity.
- That is a beautiful thing.
- I cannot articulate how much I regret this decision.
(spaghetti music)