There's... Johnny! (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

1 This is the girl you banged? - [SCOFFS.]
- Chrissy-Ann Aldean.
- Holy shit.
- Andy, Andy, Andy.
Holy shit! I don't even whack off to girls that pretty.
And don't think that they don't appreciate that.
Okay, so guess what.
Dean Martin's out.
- Wait, what? No, no, it's the anniversary show.
- What? Doesn't want to do it.
- Boy.
- What a lazy fucker.
Hey, wait, wait wait a second.
Wait a second.
- Ooh, a thought! - If Dean Martin is out, - then maybe we can Get Jerry Lewis.
- Get Jerry Lewis? I'm already working on it.
I love Jerry, but I think there's a thing.
Yeah.
Jerry thinks that Johnny doesn't like him.
What? God, they're fucking babies, all of them.
They're fucking babies.
Hey, uh, Joy, did you hear the kid got laid? - Oh, come on! - Heh.
- No? - Yes.
- You and the little beauty queen? - Oh, absolutely.
Andy Klavin! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Yeah.
Give me a hug! - [ALL EXCLAIM.]
- Wow, look at you! You - [BABY TALKING.]
- Stop it yourself, girl! [ALL CHEERING.]
All right, now, look.
Yes.
I'm gonna tell you look, that's that's not gonna work.
You can't drown me out.
You're gonna you're gonna get the monologue whether you want it or not.
What, uh what about this, uh this brand-new garb? - What about it? - Well, I mean, I don't know how to describe it.
It looks kinda minty.
[LAUGHTER.]
- You are you saying - What? - When you say minty - I mean the color of mint.
- The nice light - Oh, oh.
- Not not that other minty.
- I thought you meant me personally, - there was a little hint of mint in there.
- [CHUCKLING.]
No, no, no, no, no.
Well, with the white shoes - What? - I mean, with the combination - with the white shoes.
- What else would you wear with this? And your little baby stripe down the side.
Secrets are being discovered all over the country.
I guess ours has to come out sooner or later.
We'll return after a word from one of our sponsors.
We'll come back.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [BAND PLAYS "JOHNNY'S THEME".]
Hey.
What was that with you and Angelo? Oh, he was just, uh he was inviting me to that party he has in Palm Springs.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Wait, wait.
Are you going to that? - Uh, yeah.
- Uh, what?! You're going to Angelo's house in Palm Springs for the weekend? - Yeah.
- [SCOFFS.]
Uh, are you guys going? - No! - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Come on.
Not going to a two-day fag fest, okay? A weekend, of brownie pounding.
No way.
I'm not going to a jerk-off jubilee, a rectum spectrum, a face-frost festival.
It's not happening, okay? But you have fun.
Are you finished? - Yeah.
- 'Cause what you just said, it's not funny.
It's not nice, and I don't like it.
- Oooh.
- Okay, man.
Children, children.
Can we play quietly? - Relax, cowboy.
- Wonderful.
Andy in Palm Springs? Excuse me? You drop a farm boy in that much chintz and glitter - and his head might explode.
- [LAUGHS.]
Please.
Come on, the boy had a tough week.
Oh, hey, why don't you come? Why don't you do that? You can make your fancy calls there.
There are phones in Palm Springs.
You know, come on.
- Maybe I will.
- Oh yeah? Why don't you? - Don't think I won't.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
- You will? I might.
Okay, done.
Settled.
Pack your bag.
She's coming with you.
[MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC.]
Wow.
[SIGHS.]
Listen, I wanted to say something.
It probably doesn't even need mentioning, but you know Angelo's gay, right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
And all of his friends at this party are gonna be gay, - for the most part.
- I know.
I'm just saying, it's probably gonna be a little different than the parties you went to in Nebraska.
I just didn't want you to feel Didn't know if you'd ever been a part of this kind of scene.
Yeah, of course.
It's like my friend Randall.
Great.
Yeah.
Well, he wasn't gay, but he got teased a lot because he just he was not a good athlete, and well, he was a great dancer though, and a great singer.
He was the lead in all the school musicals, so A lot of the guys, they were just really big jerks to him, but yeah Of course.
Don't worry about me.
Okay.
[SOFT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Uh, wait Do you mean, like, guys actually having sex with other guys? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, we we didn't really have that.
In the whole state? I don't think so.
- [BASS GUITAR MUSIC.]
- [INHALES DEEPLY.]
Okay.
- You made it! Welcome! [LAUGHING.]
- Mwah.
- Welcome.
- Hi.
Come, come, come.
You'll change, you'll swim.
I'll show you to your quarters.
Don't get any ideas, okay? - Separate bedrooms for you two.
- No, no, no, - He's teasing.
Teasing.
- I'm we [RELAXED MUSIC.]
And just put on the card, "Please, please, please do the show.
Everybody here loves you.
" Yep, that Jerry Lewis.
Also, if you could possibly deliver the flowers today? Fantastic.
Fantastic.
Thank you so much.
[LAUGHTER.]
You must be Andy.
- I am.
- Welcome! - I'm Lyle.
- Ow.
Angelo's told me all about ya.
- Valentine, Nebraska, right? - Yes, sir.
Klein, Texas.
Just north of Houston.
Practically neighbors.
Eddie, if you don't turn on some good music pretty damn quick, it's gonna get ugly out here! I don't know how he listens to that shit.
- [RECORD SCRATCHES.]
- Okay, I'm I'm sorry.
I have to I have to say, uh, you you seem very familiar.
Yeah, I've got one of those faces.
I I sw I swear that I've I've seen you before.
You ever watch "Bonanza"? - Every Sunday night.
- Mm-hmm.
Show him with the hat.
[LAUGHS.]
- Holy smokes! - Nope, I didn't do that one.
That was Chuck Connors and Doug McClure.
- You're Mean Buck Johnson! - Yes, sir.
You were the meanest guy ever on the Ponderosa.
Well, thank you kindly.
It's all in the hat, see? Mean Buck Johnson Lyle Granger.
[LAUGHS.]
Mean Buck Johnson.
Ly Oh, no.
That's not supposed to happen.
Think he's much more handsome without his rug on, don't you? You try telling him.
Go ahead.
So Mean Buck Johnson is Bald? You bet he is.
And proud of it, buddy.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
Ah, there he is.
- Are you hungry? - No, I'm fine.
Come on, have some beautiful strawberries fresh from the markets.
- No, I'm okay.
- Come on, taste one of these.
Tell me that it is not out of this world.
- I'm fine.
I'm fine.
- No, go ahead.
Taste one.
No, taste one.
It's great.
Oh, my God.
You are just like my mother.
- It's easier just not to fight it.
- Exactly.
- Where's the lovely Joy? - Oh, on the phone! I don't believe that girl's grasped the idea of a weekend getaway.
So how long have you guys been having this party? Oh, God, years.
Well, since we've got together.
17? 18? 18 - beautiful years.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
How long have your parents been together? Uh, well, my brother's 24, so 25 years.
Oh! Oh, then we're close.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wait, are you are you guys you guys are married? Well, not legally, of course, but basically.
Oh, uh, Marilyn called uh, told me to remind you to not get too much sun.
Oh.
God love her.
My wife.
You have a wife? 28 years.
For professional purposes.
For appearance.
- So do you have a wife? - No.
No, I did for nine years, but, uh, it was just too hard.
Some lies are easier than others.
Look at you.
What is You are just a - It it's fi it's fine! - [LAUGHS.]
Just.
Just.
Wolves in it.
It's fine! It's fine.
You guys are my parents.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? Yeah.
Okay, one moment, please.
We are never gonna get that girl off the phone.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Yeah? - Phone for you.
- For me? Who? I didn't ask.
Go, talk fast! Then come swim.
Okay.
- Hello? - Hi, sweetie.
Dad? What are you How did you get this number? Ah, you know me.
I can find anyone anywhere.
Um, is everything okay? I mean, is Mom good? Yeah, everything's fine.
I didn't mean to scare you.
Ah, I'm just calling to, uh you know that I love you, right? And and I would do anything in the world for you.
Okay, now you're scaring me.
What's the matter? Are you okay? Yeah, I I'm great.
Hey, guess what, I got you that bracelet Mommy said you wanted.
The what? Mommy said you saw this bracelet in a magazine.
I didn't see a bracelet.
Hey, you're my baby and I love you.
I want to give it to you.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [GIGGLING.]
There's ice in the thing over there.
[GIGGLING.]
Oops.
I'm sorry about that.
Sorry.
So, uh, anyway, sweetheart - Where are you? - Where am I? I'm at the office.
I know, I know, it's Saturday, but you know me.
[CHUCKLING.]
Wow.
You know what, Dad? You are slipping.
You used to be a much better liar.
Lying? What did I say? - My mother deserves so much better.
- Joy, it's not what you think.
You ready for me? [LOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
- [MOANS.]
- [TAPPING.]
[EXHALES QUIETLY.]
- Oh, hey, can I ask you something? - No.
How are we out of Drambuie? Someone is gonna have to make - a run to the liquor store.
- I'll go.
- I'll go.
I'm gonna go.
- What? Oh.
All right.
Run like the wind, child.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Oh, well, now we're gonna likely be late.
Well, don't look at me.
Where is your son? - I do not know.
- Evan?! - Evan! - Yeah, coming.
All right.
I got the Italian red just in case - he's wrong about that chardonnay.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I'm not wrong.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Okay, yeah.
Hey - Rasheed? - you always are.
Andy! - What did he just call you? Rasheed? - Uh eh uh [LAUGHS.]
Andy, no.
It's - uh, it's a nickname I got.
- Andy? Yeah, uh, we're the parents.
- I'm Dr.
Miller.
- Um, so hey, hey, you know what? - What How about you guys - And Felicia.
pull up the car, and I'll be right there.
I'll be right with you, yeah.
Just yeah.
- Right, just walk.
Walk.
- Rasheed? - [LAUGHS.]
- Rasheed.
that boy, I tell ya.
Fuck it.
Welcome.
- Can I explain? - You have parents! Everything I've said up till now is bullshit.
- Your father abandoning you! - It's not true.
Your mom is is is is - Yeah, yeah, I made it all up.
- a drug addict living in, what? - East St.
Louis? - I'm from New York.
Scarsdale.
I went to Yale for two years before coming out here.
And your name is Evan! Could you think of a whiter name if you tried? What else are you lying about? What, are you also gay? - Whoa, whoa.
What? - What what are you you married to - someone but living with someone else? - Hey, hey, hey.
What are you talking about? Why'd you lie to me? I lied to everybody! See, you think this is all about you.
I've been lying my whole damn life, Andy.
Everybody said, "Oh, the only black kid in school.
That must be really tough, huh?" And I'd say, "Oh, no.
It's cool.
I don't mind, really.
" Bullshit.
I fucking hated it! And then the black kids would give me shit 'cause my family wasn't fucking black enough for them, but I'd go home, I'd smile for my parents.
No, no, it's cool.
Everything's cool.
Bullshit! It's never been cool, ever! But see, you wouldn't fucking know that, would you? Because you come out here and the whole fucking world opens up for you! But you're gonna judge me? - I don't think so, Andy.
- Hey! I'm sorry.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
- [ALL CHEERING.]
- [YELLS.]
[ALL CHEERING AND LAUGHING.]
Now what's happening? Your parents called.
Your brother's home.
My My my parents? Wait, they called here? No, they called the office and Roz was there and she she gave them the number here.
What's the difference? Your brother's home and he's safe and sound.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Okay, okay, will you let him go call home? Go, go.
Go, go, call home.
Did did you get the Drambuie? [DOOR CLOSES.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
- Hello? - Mom, it's me! Oh, Andy.
Oh.
Honey, it's Andy.
We've been trying you all morning but we couldn't get through.
I I'm sorry I I I went out I went out for the weekend and I just B-B-B-Buddy's home? Yes.
Yes, thank the lord.
- Thank the lord.
- Well, how is he? Oh, he is wonderful.
He's, uh, handsome and healthy, and Can I say hi? You know what, sweetie, he's asleep right now and he's had such a long trip.
I just don't want to wake him.
Oh, oh, Hun, but you know what? Why don't you write him one of your beautiful letters, huh? You know how he loves getting letters from ya.
Sure.
Okay, but You know, sometimes letters are better than talking, aren't they? Sure.
I'm so happy, Mom.
We are very blessed, son.
- - Very blessed.
"Dear Buddy, "Welcome home, big brother.
"I'm so, so happy you're back.
"Mom and Dad must be so thrilled to have you home.
"I want to hear about everything, "and I gotta tell you all about Hollywood.
"I mean, it's all exciting and all pretty great, "but, man, big brother, it sure is different out here.
"For one thing, people lie out here an awful lot, "for the craziest reasons too.
"Either they're not who they say they are "or they don't really live like they say they live.
It's weird.
" This is not the bathroom.
Klavin.
What are you doing here? What's it to you? Yeah.
Good to see you.
"Very, very weird.
"It kind of makes my head spin, if I'm being honest, "which is why I'm so glad you're back.
"You're the one who always helps me make sense of things.
" "You're the one who I can always count on.
" "I'll tell you more when I talk to you.
"I just wanted to say that to you now.
" "Welcome home, big brother.
" "Love, little brother.
" [MELLOW ROCK MUSIC.]