Thirtysomething (1987) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Who's that, honey? It's Da-da, yeah.
I bet you only thought mommies had hair that long.
And who's that? Does she have wrinkles? No.
Does she have stretch marks? No.
That was your mommy in a previous lifetime.
And what's wrong with that picture? That's your mommy and daddy alone together.
Needless to say, that is not a recent photo.
- Is that you? - What are you looking at? You can't look at anything until I decide if it has to be burned.
You look beautiful.
Of course I do.
I was 20.
Well, where was I? God, can you believe Ellyn? - Where was I? - You didn't exist.
We were hitchhiking.
We stopped at a truck stop, and there was this really cute Never mind.
Oh, do you remember this? This beautiful gingerbread house on the Cape? Oh, nobody even knew where we were.
Honey, why are you doing this with the pictures? Because I have 50 boxes of them.
I have to do something with them.
Maybe this weekend.
Maybe we could not see anyone.
We could even not answer the phone.
Maybe we could have Thanksgiving dinner like we did last year and the year before and ever since we had an oven.
Excuse me? You mean, you haven't noticed that people are wearing bulky sweaters, and I've been watching Monday Night Football? I thought it was October or something.
It's November something.
Yeah, but things are really different this year.
I mean, nobody really expects us to have a big bash.
What about our friends? I'm sure we already pretty much said something.
We said something? I didn't said anything.
Did you? Oh, Michael! Can we yell at me tonight? Count on it.
Bye.
Bye.
And this is Auntie Melissa, boopnik.
And this guy was almost your Uncle Ralphie.
Then again, so was Uncle Peter and Uncle Juan and Uncle Leroy.
The magic just wasn't there.
Don't ask me to explain that.
So we haven't decided.
You know, I mean, decided officially.
I totally agree.
I mean, Thanksgiving Why bother, right? Well, right.
But Michael He's decided.
It's like it really matters to him.
That's strange, you know, because me and Michael, in our family, we never made a big deal about Thanksgiving.
Well, we did.
Some relative, whose name I'm completely blocking, came over on the Mayflower.
Our relatives couldn't get reservations.
- Who's this? - Oh, uh, Jeffrey.
Jeff.
Jeff Haggis.
He's Canadian.
Oh, I'm sorry.
He happens to have many fine qualities.
I'm sure.
He's totally reliable, completely sincere, and he's the most honest man I've ever met.
Say no more.
He's got my vote for safety captain.
And Dr.
Nestle loves him.
At least the idea of him.
You know, compared to the standard arrested development cases I usually go for.
So, the question is It's not yet exactly A Streetcar Named Desire.
So you haven't We're letting it grow.
Leave! I'm sorry.
I'm horrible.
You are.
- Hope, can I ask you a favor? - Sure.
Can I bring him to your house for Thanksgiving? - Thanksgiving? - Yeah, well, I just want to test him out around people.
But I just finished telling you that we haven't really decided Yeah, but, Hope, it's Well, he's It's Thanksgiving.
Right.
Look, pumpkin, here's Brittany's mommy and daddy.
Don't they look happy? They do look happy.
I thought we had a fight that day.
Now, how could we have had a fight that day? We look so happy there.
Can I keep this? Sure.
You seem pretty good You and Elliot.
Yeah, we're I don't know.
What is happiness? I don't know.
I was absent that day.
- How are you? - Great.
I think we've finally got a handle on this mom and dad thing.
I mean, maybe it's just because I don't know.
I'm almost afraid say something.
I might jinx it.
She slept through the night.
Oh, I know! It makes all the difference in the world.
Um, have you guys made any plans for Thanksgiving yet? Oh, I don't know.
We, uh We aren't sure exactly.
How about you guys? Uh, I don't know.
We sort of thought I mean, you know, sort of You know What time you want us? I'll buy the turkey.
All right, you guys.
Come on! Dinner! Or some microwave leftover that vaguely resembles edible matter.
Have you ever noticed with microwaves that they don't make things hot? That they heat things so it should give us the abstract quality of heat rather than hotness itself? Is there some profound existential warp there? You know? I'm serious.
They're No, I am.
This is good - I know you're not asleep.
- Who said I was asleep? You're pretending to be asleep.
I'm trying to be asleep.
It's not such a big deal.
Everybody pitches in, I mean.
Okay? How can you ignore the sacrifices of our Pilgrim forebearers? Excuse me.
My Pilgrim forebearers? And I'll ignore them any way I choose.
Oh, Michael, I know I'm a horrible person.
I mean, how dare I want to spend a quiet weekend with my husband and daughter? Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Now, sweetie, I know this looks like Auntie Ellyn and I were pretty wild, but trust me, we never rode in a convertible.
We walked everywhere and lived a pure life.
Excuse me.
Why are we doing this? Shape.
To stay in shape.
I'm in great shape.
I carry around a heavy kid all day.
Hope.
Shut up, Hope.
We gotta do this, or we're never going to do our own exercise video.
- What is that? - Oh, this? It's great.
It, like, strengthens your sense of irony.
I am woman.
Hear me roar.
I think it's working very nicely, don't you? Yeah, well, you go for the burn.
I'm going to go.
The sitter only gave me 90 minutes.
Hope? Never mind.
What? Um, uh, nothing.
I just, uh I really think that we should spend more time together.
Me, too.
I'll call you tonight.
No, I mean now.
Now.
I really I just Ah, it's my mother.
I really couldn't talk to you about it till Uh-oh.
What'd she do now? She did nothing.
That's the problem.
She suddenly wants to be close.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe now that I make more money than she does, she's afraid I'm going to leave her out of my will.
Get out of here.
I know.
I'm bad.
I'm bad.
But don't you forget, she made me bad.
I studied at the feet of the master.
So she called and wants to be closer now and said "Let's spend Thanksgiving together.
" - So? - So, will you call her? Me? Why would I want to call your mother? Because she didn't believe me when I told her that I was spending Thanksgiving with you.
Could I? If I give you money? Why is it that Gary looks exactly the same? I think there's a Polaroid in some attic somewhere that's getting very, very old.
So the kid says, "I spent all weekend doing this paper.
" I even went to the library.
" And suddenly, the kid starts to cry.
I mean, this is a 30-page exegesis of why Moby Dick was a Sagittarius.
- What am I supposed to do? - Flunk him.
Moby Dick was obviously a Pisces.
What do you think, Janey? Can you apply an early decision? Can I lay up here with you guys? - Don't you? - Honey? Hi! - We're in here! - Oh.
"We"? "Here"? Three of you? I wanted two of you.
Your wife is emotionally drained.
We've been reading essays on Captain Ahab and the great sperm whale.
Yeah.
Well, if you're going to do things like that behind my back, I don't want to know about it.
Oh.
Hey.
So, what are we doing about Thanksgiving dinner? Well, Michael and I See, Hope was sort of feeling Well, we haven't exactly, you know, decided what - See, Hope feels that - Right.
Just 'cause of Janey and all Well, not Janey.
Just, you know See, this year Just this year Maybe we wouldn't do Thanksgiving.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh, sure.
No problem.
Uh, I know this diner I could go to.
It has a Turkey Day special.
Real cranberries.
Mmm.
I'll go to this little bar.
Watch the game.
Great bunch of guys there.
Honey.
We were going to discuss this.
We did discuss it last night.
That was discussing? Everybody will help.
We'll do everything.
Don't you have a family someplace? Yeah, but they don't like me as much as you do.
Come on.
Honey, it's going to be a day to remember.
Just leave everything to me.
- To you? - And to me.
I have a terrific recipe for stuffing.
- I didn't say I wouldn't do the stuffing of hers! - Of course you didn't.
All I'm saying is I have my particular tastes.
Of course you do.
You're being extremely reasonable.
Excuse me.
I wasn't attacking him personally.
Of course you weren't.
I just said I wasn't interested in using his recipe.
I understand.
- So? - No problem.
She'll accept chestnut over cornbread? - How about we do both? - I can see doing both.
But we have to do it at my house, not hers.
Can I get back to you on that? - He's going to make my life hell.
- Now, calm down.
I don't see why it's so important to have a Thanksgiving buddy.
Ellyn, you and I have known each other for a long time, right? I've never made excessive personal demands on you, have I? Could you find it in your heart just this once to do me this one extremely huge favor? Just make the damn stuffing with him and shut up about it.
What's wrong with a 20-pound turkey? 20-pound turkey? Are you crazy? Wait a sec.
We got Ellyn, Gary, Michael, Hope, Janey You're going to count Janey? She's not even on solid food.
- Hi.
- Wait a sec.
We got Melissa, her new friend.
- We got Ellyn, we got Gary.
- You already counted them.
- Will you let me finish? Please, let me finish, okay? - All right.
- We got Ethan, Brittany, you, me - Don't count me.
- I don't eat turkey.
- What do you mean, you don't eat turkey? You don't eat turkey? All right.
You don't eat turkey.
But what about creamed onions? Mmm! What about sweet potatoes with those little unborn baby marshmallows? - Can we have candy corn? - Elliot wants to sit at the kiddies' table.
So we're here already.
What are our chores? - Yeah, we only have two hours for the babysitter.
- Okay, I need my list.
My list.
Whoa.
Wait a minute.
Where'd I put my list? - How's it going? - Great.
It's going great.
You just take care of your pictures, and I'll take care of everything else.
I will.
Oh, honey, would you check and see if Janey needs an extra blanket? Sure.
Sure.
Great.
What did I come in here for? My list.
I'm just asking a question.
There's no judgment implied.
How is it possible to not like chestnuts? They're disgusting.
Squirrels eat them.
Horrible men sell them on street corners.
- What's wrong with squirrels? - I love chestnuts.
Are you kidding? They have diseases.
My aunt got bitten by a squirrel once.
- She went mad.
- Oh, yeah.
I remember that.
Her teeth got real sharp, and she started carrying car keys around in her cheeks.
- Hit me.
Hit me.
- It's not funny.
- How about the pool? - Oh.
All right.
Winner has to guess turnovers, total points, number of faceless cheerleader bod shots.
Bod shot? Bod shot? Hi, guys! Hi, guys! Wait, wait, wait, wait! We gotta do the list! - Guys, guys, guys.
- I'll take your coat.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Who? - My aunt.
- She died.
She committed suicide last Thanksgiving.
Someone committed suicide? Hey, we're having a little football pool.
How many consecutive hours you think I can watch TV without talking to anyone? Michael Steadman.
We got the game on in the other room.
Oh, well, to tell you the truth, I don't really like football.
- Neither do we.
- It's barbaric.
Exactly.
Sanctioned violence for commercial purposes.
Yeah.
And the shots of the cheerleaders.
Exactly.
It's so, uh, exploitative.
I mean, what it says about the American males' attitudes towards women, what with those outfits and Those tight little panties.
Those are great guys.
Those guys.
On the lips of my sweet Oh.
Excuse us for a moment.
So this is the therapy experiment, huh? - Gary, please.
- Levelheaded, down to earth.
Fallacy for commitment.
Nice loafers.
- Hi.
I'm, uh, Nancy Weston.
- Hi.
And that's my husband Illya Kuryakin.
How you doing? Well, you kept your maiden name, and I respect that.
Jeff, there's someone I want you to meet.
Uh-huh.
And you must be Hope.
And you must be him.
Well, this is quite a lively bunch.
- Mm-hmm.
- Melissa warned me.
She said I'd have to be on my toes.
Reminds me of my days at the dorm.
- M.
I.
T.
, undergraduate, B.
S.
- "B.
S.
"? Bachelor of science.
Got my PhD out of Caltech, genetic engineering.
For our two-week anniversary, he bought me a gene splicer.
- Can you believe her sense of humor? - Uh-huh.
Ha-ha.
You know what one of those things cost? How many times do I have to tell you kids not to play ball in the house? - Isn't this great? - Fabulous.
Call me when it's Thursday.
I have work to do.
Melissa.
You have your choice Creamed onions or Indian land reparations.
- Michael, you know I don't know how to make creamed onions.
- - Jeff.
- You don't know how to make creamed onions? - Jeff.
Hey.
Hey.
So which one of these pretty ladies are you married to? None of them, actually.
I'm their interesting bachelor friend.
Oh.
Well, there's a word you don't hear much anymore.
I suppose you don't.
Um, which word do you prefer? Well, I don't really have a preference.
Sexually? Oh.
Ha ha.
Girls.
So, what are you guys schmoozing about? Girls.
Uh, seems Jeff and I have a lot in common.
Ah-ha.
I recognize a woman in hiding when I see one.
Did we wake her up? No, she's out.
I can't believe she can sleep through all this noise.
Sometimes all I want her to do is to go to sleep, and now she is and I miss her.
I tried to put together an album once.
But Elliot and I kept getting into fights about the same things that we got into fights about on the day the pictures were taken.
God, is this Michael? And Gary? - Oh, no.
- At 17.
- Cool dudes, huh? - Mmm.
Ohh, that's you.
Is that Ellyn? Oh, look, her hair was so long.
- Mmm.
- Look at that dress.
There's no way that we're gonna get in trouble.
Yeah? What if my mother tells your mother? My parents are away until Sunday night.
That's why they let me stay at your house.
That's my favorite song.
Just yesterday morning They let me know you were gone - Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you Did you know James Taylor actually wrote that song about a real live dead person? Yes.
- Oh.
- Walked out this morning She's beautiful.
- I'm Michael! - I'm Gary! Are you guys musicians? Yeah, I'm Crosby.
Stills.
Nash is in the men's room.
Maybe we could hitch a ride with them to the shore.
No way.
I'm not hitching with those guys.
Ellyn, I don't know why, but I think I'm gonna have that boy's children.
Hey, you guys need a ride or what? Sorry.
Hey, you never told me your name! Sunny days that I thought would never end What if What if Michael and I had met when we were 18? Elliot and I met when we were 18.
You're better off.
Okay.
Onions, garlic, cornbread mix, celery, and you owe me $12.
- What? - We agreed we'd split it, right? Right.
Right.
What was on the list.
But celery's not on the list.
I'm not paying for celery.
Why not? 'Cause it's totally pointless.
It's got no taste, no calories.
Gets caught in your teeth.
You got to spend all this time chewing.
What? Nothing.
A look like that is definitely not nothing.
A look like that indicates either extreme displeasure or else my hair is on fire.
Okay, why are you always trying to give me such a hard time? - I give you a hard time? - At least you admit it.
I didn't admit it.
From the moment we met! Remember the rehearsal dinner? You kicked me under the table.
The rabbi and the minister were talking.
You kept humming the theme from Deliverance.
It was "Dueling Religions.
" Michael thought it was funny.
Well, I thought it was tasteless.
Like the celery? Let's just make the cornbread.
- Get it over with.
- Fine with me.
There's a jockstrap in your sink.
Is it moving? Honey, all I have to do is go down to the basement and somehow dig up the thing-o-what for the table.
You know, the leaf.
It's in the pantry.
I'm gonna need more chairs.
Do we still have those card chairs in the attic? - In the basement.
- Hmm.
And a tablecloth.
Yeah, and a photographer from Bon Appétit.
I'm sorry? I didn't hear you.
I said We have one but it needs ironing.
No problem.
I'll have Jeff do it.
He needs some ironing.
I'll go.
What? Oh.
Oh, Michael, she's thrown up.
Oh, no.
What's the matter, sweetie? You're not sick, are you? Oh.
Honey, what's-his-name said only to call him again if it goes over 101.
What does what's-his-name know? At 6 in the morning, so she can tell me not to worry.
Fluids.
He said fluids.
Oh, Michael, look at her.
She doesn't even know what's happening.
Oh, it's okay, honey.
She probably picked up something from Elliot.
His house is a Petri dish.
What What can I do? I feel completely helpless.
Get some sleep.
We have 800 people coming in five minutes.
- Sweetheart - One of us should be semi-conscious.
Yo, Michael! Ho! We're here! I killed Big Bird.
Shh.
Hope's sacked out on the sofa.
Janey was up half the night with 101.
Poor thing.
Why didn't you call us and tell us not to come? - Where's Brittany? - She's asleep in the car.
No! Oh, no.
Great.
Don't worry, honey.
It's just the turkey.
Turkey's make soft squishy sounds when they fall.
That sounded like a piece of the Sky Lab.
- Mom, the turkey broke.
- Oh, I know.
- It's solid ice.
- Yeah, we forgot to defrost it.
Yeah, we were too busy watching the high school cheerleaders in the Macy's Day Parade.
Oh.
Hope, I'm sorry.
- I'll buy you a new one.
- No, no, no.
It's okay.
It was Sung Dynasty, but I never liked it.
Ellie, go get Brittany.
Sweetie, we're gonna go and watch Sesame Street.
- Come on.
- That's a brilliant idea, but it's not on.
It is now.
Where's your VCR? - In the bedroom.
- Yay.
Come on, sweetie.
Okay, but be real quiet going up the stairs, 'cause she's still Asleep.
Oh, pumpkin.
What's the matter? Oh, yeah, my girl is so Mommy! You can't take my bear! You're a girl! - Mommy! - She took my cookie! I wanna go home now, Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Taste.
Mmm.
Not actually bad.
- Yeah? - Mmm.
Mmm.
- You think it needs anything? - Celery? You know, you remind me of someone.
Make one BjoÃrn Borg joke and I'm gonna hit you with this turnip.
No, not him.
Boy, it's a mess here.
- You know what I just realized? - What? This is the first time I've ever seen you Without Hope and Michael around, right? I know.
I was thinking the same thing before.
What? Am I different? Here, I mean? - Much worse.
- You, too, BjoÃrn.
Actually, it is weird.
Whenever I'm around Hope, I feel like my breasts are too small and do I have split ends? That's funny.
That's how I feel around Michael.
Oh, you're such an idiot.
Why do we even talk to you? No, no, no.
Okay.
It is weird being the friends of friends.
Yeah.
It's like, "Gary, hello.
" Thud.
"Ellyn, how's the job?" Snore.
Oh.
Hey, let's see if we can get through the next nine minutes without mentioning "hmmm" or "mmmmm".
I like the way you think.
Are your breasts really that small? You'll never know.
Hello? Shh.
Janey's sleeping.
Mmm.
We think she's faking.
She just wants to stay in bed all day and watch I Love Lucy reruns.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Thank you.
- And I want to join her.
You know, I've always felt Lucille Ball was highly overrated.
- Here you are.
- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Did you bring the contacts? Oh, yeah.
They came out great.
The creamed onions I wouldn't sign my name to.
- Okay, you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
I want to see 'em.
- So, Jeff - So, Michael.
I guess you know Melissa and I are cousins.
She mentioned that, yes.
She seems like she's in really great shape.
Oh, well, when you work out as much as she does.
No, no.
I meant overall.
Oh.
Yeah.
Great set of maracas.
So, what do you think? These are good.
These are very good.
No.
Of him.
The whole truth and nothing but.
Jeff? Oh, I really like him.
He's, um Well, he's, uh My mother would love him.
He's really sweet.
He's Well, no.
He's really more like A lox.
Polite? No.
He's, uh Solid.
Funny? Oh, no.
No, uh No comment.
Forget it.
Look, we're all of us too damn judgmental.
Jeff is out there, like the rest of us.
He's hurting, feeling, struggling.
What can I say? He's the biggest jerk I've ever met in my life.
The thing is, what do you think? Hope, I pay $80 an hour to hear that rhetorical stuff.
From you, I'll accept a rating from 1 to 10.
- Saw that! - Feel ya.
That's okay.
I won't tell anybody.
- Hmm? - That spoon you were about to steal.
- What? - Look, I understand.
I do.
I mean, you feel uncomfortable.
Like you don't really fit in and you need something.
And that hurts, that feeling.
So you take something, anything.
A spoon.
Now, wait a minute No, no, no.
I understand.
It's like a cry for help.
- Michael! - Yeah? Tell Jeff how it really isn't the spoon that was about to steal that matters, but how he feels about the spoon.
You were stealing silverware? Oh, come on.
He's kidding.
Ha ha! Now tell him.
Tell him.
How many cases have I seen like this in my years of practice? Uh.
What do I do here? I call the authorities, right? - I got to call the authorities.
- Michael, no! You have to have some compassion.
I mean, this man is very sick.
Oh, now, wait a minute.
Enough is enough! - Wait, Jeff, ho.
- You don't think that I came in here and It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
- Empty your pockets.
- Now.
Hey, what is this? Male bonding? Can I play? Melissa, I did not take the spoon.
Huh? We were just kidding.
Okay, it was a Thanksgiving prank.
It's traditional.
Can I talk to you for a moment? Sure.
I Jeff! Jeff! The spoon? The spoon? You are such an infant.
Oh, come on.
- Elliot! - Michael! Some air.
I just need some air.
Jeff, you want to take a walk or something? Melissa, I do not say this to be critical, but your friends are very hostile people.
I mean, I have tried.
If you know anything about me, you know I do not like small talk, but I have entered into conversations, I have tried my best.
Those people Those people do not have a substantive bone in their bodies.
You know, you're just misunderstanding them.
I mean, the way they kid around.
Uh-huh.
Well then, I I guess I just don't get the joke.
Goodbye, Melissa.
Look, we're really sorry.
Where is he? I want to apologize.
Yeah, we'll make it up to him.
He can have the drumstick.
It's a little late for that.
He left.
The Michael and Elliot Show.
What a performance.
Bravo, guys.
A stranger comes to your house.
It's jokes and bits and riffs.
And if they don't get it, they are history! The perfect Thanksgiving! The turkey's frozen, so you carve the guest.
Now, wait Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on, now.
It's just us.
We were just being us.
Well, maybe I don't like "us" very much right now.
- Meli Wait.
- Thanks! I tried calling six more times.
If she's there, she's not picking up.
I don't have Jeff's number, so Okay, I'm a jerk.
I offered to commit hara-kiri.
Forget it.
Jeff stole all the knives.
What's the situation downstairs? The turkey's showing signs of life.
I think a couple more months.
It's only 4:00? Will this day never end? The natives are growing extremely restless.
Any chance of food before the next harmonic convergence? Um, honey, could I speak to you in my office, please? Am I getting suspended? Um, Elliot, you know my favorite part of the Thanksgiving legend is when the Pilgrims landed and they looked up, and there standing before them were the golden arches.
- Fast food? - As fast as possible.
Hope? Michael? I can open a can of tuna.
I swear I can still pull this thing together.
Michael.
Michael, look.
It was an inspirational day.
Listen, about Christmas? Don't call us, we'll call you.
- See ya.
- See ya.
You okay? You seem warm.
No way.
I didn't hear that.
Ahh.
Oh, I didn't hear that either.
I do feel kind of Honey? Honey? Honey! Can you feel my head? Is there any Jell-O? Oh, can you read me Stuart Little? Hope? Hope? Oh, Hope? Honey? Honey? Honey, would you bring me one more little glass of water? It's really nice of you to keep me company while I suffer in silence.
Then suffer in silence.
I'm looking at pictures.
Oh, I remember that sweatshirt.
I felt so alive in that sweatshirt.
Whatever happened to it? Oh, I'll never have another one like it.
It was perfect.
I was perfect in it.
Are you sorry you got married or just that you married me? Oh, shut up.
It's just a sweatshirt.
No, it's not.
Ever since you found those pictures, all you've done is rhapsodize about those good old single days.
They're just pictures, Michael.
Right.
Just pictures.
Like Great shot, you and that guy in the Ferrari.
- What was his name? - I don't remember.
- Guido? - Guido.
And, uh, you and Ellyn hitching to Mexico.
Oh, let me see that one.
Oh, look.
This is your little place on Chestnut Street.
- It was so sweet.
- Right.
You spent six weeks in bed, completely bummed out.
Like, how many chocolate chip cookies did you eat? I mean, rounded off to the nearest thousand.
And how many times did you read The Bell Jar? And Mexico.
Oh, well.
Sunny Mexico.
Was that taken before or after you spent the two weeks in bed with dysentery? Before.
And hey, hot Ferrari, hot Guido.
Did you run out of film when he pulled over and attacked you? I'm just asking.
You can't tell me there wasn't a time in my life when I when I wasn't different.
You mean, younger? No, I mean when I wasn't taking care of a kid and a house and a husband and trying to find room in the oven for a 20-pound frozen turkey.
Honey, honestly I don't know how you keep it together sometimes.
But this thing with the pictures Never mind.
I'm delirious.
- Go back to bed.
- I'm gonna go back to bed.
We gather together to ask the Lord's blessing He chastens and hastens and I forget the words - Hello? - The Pilgrims went back to England? Honey? - What was that? - Somewhere between a whine and a moan.
Did you ever read In Cold Blood? Melissa's boyfriend did them all in.
More like he bored them to death.
- Hello? - Hello? - We're here.
- The British are coming.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Hello? Hope? What's going on? Oh, the plague.
Save yourselves.
- Janey? - And Michael.
Elliot and Nancy, too? They're eating in their car somewhere.
What about Melissa and Mr.
Congeniality? Don't ask.
- Come on! - Oh, come on, Hope! Where's your Thanksgiving spirit? The triumph over adversity, Pocahontas, Miles Davis.
We made the quintessential I'm talking, the best ever Cornbread stuffing in the history of the tri-state area.
It's got onions, it's got garlic But no celery.
It's got basil, sausage, pine nuts, tarragon It also freezes very nicely.
Oh, I just Oh, my.
Where's Janey? She needs me.
Here I come.
Mommy's here.
Oh, my God! Hope! Michael! Michael! Excuse me? Can you tell me where I am? Well, let's just say there won't be any Sesame Street reruns for a while, kid.
Oh, where am I? You died.
You got too tired and too overwhelmed and you just died.
I I died of aggravation? Come with me.
Uh-uh.
I'm going back to bed.
You can't! It's, um, Thanksgiving.
You seem so interested in seeing pictures.
I have a few you may not have seen.
Say cheese, babe.
What kind of camera is that? I I don't know that model.
Oh, it's not readily available yet on a retail basis.
It only photographs the future.
That's Ellyn.
Who's she having such a good time with? Her new best friend.
I'm her best friend.
Were, Hope.
Lynnie? Lynnie, it's me.
I called to her.
She understood.
What's the matter? Can't she hear me? She's got a life now, and you're not in it.
I'm not liking the future very much.
Well, we could go back in time, but I, uh I don't have that particular lens.
Ready for more? Michael? He's in mourning.
For me? Michael! He'll get over it.
His next wife, Muffy Thorndike, gets along with everyone.
Melissa! My God, how did this happen? You never liked any of the men she brought to your house, so she just gave up.
Eventually she gave up with Dr.
Nestle, too.
She was a lot more fragile than everybody thought.
I had no idea.
I think I want to stop this now.
I don't want to see any more pictures.
Well, you haven't seen the big finish.
Follow me.
What's this? What's going on? The perfect Thanksgiving.
In my house? Wait.
Oh, look, there's Nancy.
But where's Elliot? Dead? He was last seen in Rittenhouse Square.
He became a mime, making fun of other people's frailties for spare change.
Who's that hideous thing in the apron? Mrs.
Muffy Steadman.
She just loves holidays.
Oh, look.
There's Janey.
She's all grown up.
Oh, look at her.
She's so beautiful.
Michael did the best he could, but Janey never did get along very well with Muffy.
They've sent her to boarding school since she was 5.
Then, of course, well, she did get married very young.
Married? Who? Who'd she marry? - Oh, my God.
- You asked.
I I don't think that I like it here.
I want to go back to where I was.
That Thanksgiving fiasco? You had your chance, Hope.
It's time to stop looking back, babe.
Please.
Please.
Okay.
One more shot.
Yes.
Yes.
Look at them.
They're all so beautiful.
It was a nightmare.
The turkey's a stiff, the bowl broke, Janey's crying upstairs, and you're about to puke your guts out.
I know.
I know.
It's all so human and impossible.
Oh, take me back, spirit.
I want to tell them I love them.
Oh, I want my life back.
I want it back now! Okay.
Okay.
Don't touch the equipment! I'm working on it.
She's awake.
Ellyn! Ellyn, do you know me? Know you? Of course I know you.
Now eat your toast.
I spent all day slaving over it.
Yeah, maybe you can eat some cornbread stuffing later or something if you're feeling better.
Oh, a paper plate special.
It's It's just the way I wanted this to be.
Not that I don't like Thanksgiving.
- Hi.
- Michael, oh, Michael.
- Hug me.
Oh! - What'd I do? Michael! I love you so! I love our life.
I love Thanksgiving.
You wouldn't really send Janey to boarding school, would you? - Hey! - Hey.
- They're sick.
- We're sick.
See? See! See what happens when you're mean to people! - God punished you.
- Oh, Melissa, I'm so, so sorry.
You should be.
Because next it's gonna be boils.
- Then locusts.
- Stop.
I've been calling you all night to apologize.
Oh, Michael.
If Gary had brought somebody over, I would have acted the same way.
What is it with us? I know you didn't mean to be hurtful, but why is it so damn important to be funny all the time? Poor Jeff.
I know he went off the graph on the schlep meter, but why even test him? He was so easy! He wasn't that bad a guy.
Well What? Did you really think I could be serious about him? - Well, uh - We didn't know.
We didn't really want to say anything.
Anyway, it's over.
Maybe I should call him, you know, and, like, make nice? It's too late.
He went back to Canada.
Oh, but, uh, there is one thing.
He wanted me to give this back.
- Yay! - Yay! Rocky Road! Right, right.
- I want Rocky Road.
- You're sick.
I am sick.
I want to be sick and eat ice cream! This is my favoritist Thanksgiving ever.
With chocolate, chocolate.
If you go home, to where your parents live, it's like saying that the place that you live in now isn't really home.
- You know? - Oh, my God.
What's in that ice cream? Wait.
Oh, yeah.
Picture time.
Come on, everybody.
- Hey, come on.
- Picture time! Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! Hey, hey, hey!