Threesome (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

1 It's like she's turned into some sort of Woman.
The mothers are coming, the mothers are coming.
- Alice.
- All our mothers all together, all for the first time, all for lunch.
Alice, where have you gone? I'm showing what a perfect family we are, through the medium of cleaning.
Mitch, grab a hoover, express yourself, be an artist.
I've already hoovered.
You told me you wanted this done.
You haven't hoovered the curtains and curtains count.
What? Where is that potpourri my sister got me? You threw it out.
You said potpourri was the opiate of the middle classes.
Oh, silly me.
Alice, stop this, now! Richie, just for one day, I want to celebrate my motherhood.
just one day.
So, what's this? So you've come in drag? I mean, what's this? What? Don't be so silly.
Stop exaggerating.
Silly boys.
They're here.
For once in my life, I want to act and smell of pure motherhood.
Coming, Mummies.
Your mother smells of pure vodka and death.
- What's up with you? - We can do this, right? We can handle this.
Just one day.
just one day.
Here they are.
The first two.
'Mum! 'Mum! I saw her on the street! And I said to her - That shirt is a triumph on you.
Oh.
-"You're Richie's mum, aren't you?" Oh, you look so handsome.
You're Mrs And she said, "Call me jenny.
- "We're family now.
" Thank you for the pictures.
Got you four boys' phone numbers off the back of it.
Isn't it hot in here? - Mitch, have you lost weight? Suits you.
- I saw her on the street, and I said to her, "You're Richie's mum, aren't you?" - Blue so works for you.
- You're Mrs And she said, -"Call me jenny.
We're family.
" - Borrow Richard's shirts more often.
- That one brings out - Is it just me or is it hot? The blue in your eyes.
Oh, it looks lovely in here.
Don't it look lovely in here, jenny? Oh, it looks lovely in here.
Thank you, Sue.
I'm just such a homemaker now.
Proper nesting instinct kicking in.
- Wasps make nests.
- And you're glowing.
It suits you.
Unconventional as your arrangement is, I couldn't be more proud.
Christ, I need a drink.
Someone knock me up a margarita before I collapse.
Oh, Mum, you are so silly.
Meet the nanas.
Alice, don't you dare use the "N" word.
Ladies.
Oh, she's gonna love it, look at its little face.
I know.
Oh, these are gorgeous, Mum.
Trust you to pick the most stylish baby clothes ever.
Well, all I want for my granddaughter is to be happy, healthy and have the bone structure of a supermodel.
This is from your father and me.
It's antique gold.
For God's sake, don't let the baby play with it.
Bloody hell, Lorraine, that must have cost a fortune.
Judging by the price tag you've left on the box.
Well, I mean, this is just a starter gift.
Your real present's coming later.
Yeah, I was just thinking that, too.
You know, all independently and on me own.
In fact, I was thinking, are you planning a baby shower? No, we're not, jenny.
Wouldn't a baby shower be properly lovely? - Isn't that a kind of thing women do? - I am a woman.
Hey, stop being so silly.
Mitch, check the chicken.
Richie, get me a lemon reamer.
What? I've got no idea what a lemon reamer is.
And, once upon a time neither did you.
Think this is it? It's a swan, folded out of a napkin.
It's a napkin swan.
And they've nested here.
- Richie? - Hmm.
I met this lovely boy in W H Smith.
Now, are you still versatile? Because he was an exclusive top Mum, shutting down this conversation right now.
Oh, shush.
Why are you still single when you're so handsome? Love your mum.
Anyone for a sunblush tomato bread roll, homemade, yum-yum? - Homemade.
- That's sweet.
- Oh, look, I'm Katie Price.
- Stop it.
- These are her nipples.
- Stop it, stop it.
- Love your mum.
- Stop it.
Ta-da! Alice.
What a transformation, darling.
Where did you learn to be a housewife? - It's just something I picked up, Mum.
- Not from me? No, no, I picked up other things from you.
Mitch, will you carve? Guess I'll Yes, I think, it is dead.
Sue, I adore your brooch.
- Now, is it vintage? - Nah, I think some sort of plastic.
Isn't it great to see the mums get along so well? Don't you think they are acting a bit odd? No, I just think they're really excited about the baby shower.
If we are really lucky, maybe we can get a Princess Lullaby Dreamtime.
What's a Princess Lullaby Dreamtime? Imagine a life-size little princess doll about yay high, but she sings and she tells you stories.
She looks like a sex doll.
- No, she doesn't.
- Princess, how can you not see that? Richie, look, look.
Look at her hungry, hungry lips.
Ah, Princess Lullaby Dreamtime She's singing.
Alice, -take that Take that off.
- My pinny? - I like my pinny.
-just take it off.
I don't want to take it off.
- I want you to take it off.
- I don't want to take it off.
- Can you take it off? - Of course I can take it off.
- Well, take it off, then.
- I don't feel like it.
Because you can't, can you? This This This This isn't a one-day thing.
You're actually turning into a woman.
Worse, you're turning into a lady.
So, what if I want this? - I'm still me.
- Say, "Fuck.
" - I don't want to.
- Say it for me.
Say, "Fuck.
" It's silly.
Say it.
I just don't think swearing is either very big or very clever.
It's finally happened, mate.
Our girl Friday has turned into a girl from the Saturdays.
Hello, motherhood.
Goodbye, Alice.
What about our mums? The baby shower is sending them mental.
Mate, I just wanna spend time with a girl who's funny and ballsy and fabulous and crude, you know.
I mean, how often do you just bump into a girl like that? Oi, oi.
I fancy something really classy.
Could you do me a Cosmopolitan in a pint glass, and Worcester Sauce crisps? Ta.
What do you mean, you've never been? Drag Queen Bingo is the best.
- What is Drag Queen Bingo? - It's bingo, but with drag queens.
Cocks in frocks calling the numbers.
To be honest, the clue is in the title.
- I need this in my life.
- Well, let's go.
I've been looking for a couple of fun gays.
Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the token straight.
Oh, you're not boyfriends? Kind of makes sense, 'cause Mitch could clearly do much better.
She's a cheeky minx.
I think Wendy has incredible powers of insight.
Fuck me, check out that boy's guns.
Ooh! Christ, I need a slash.
Go get us a table with a view of that boy's arms.
Coming through.
Mate, it's not right, even talking to Wendy.
It's like we're cheating on Alice.
Well, I do feel guilty.
But, then again, it's not our fault Alice has turned into daft Delia.
Being with Wendy is like old times.
I just wanna get shit-faced.
Oi, well, we can't.
Because that really would be the ultimate betrayal.
Especially after the last six or seven times.
I'm telling you, mate, if Wendy does one more fabulously inappropriate, masculine thing, I'm gonna find it very hard to resist, Alice or no Alice.
Coming through.
Queue for the ladies' was a nightmare.
What I would give to piss standing up.
And, there it is.
We should get back to Alice.
Alice? Who the fuck is Alice? Well, she's just a flatmate who we should get home to.
Right, 'cause I was gonna suggest a three-way split.
The thing that worries me most about that sentence is the word "three-way".
Yeah, we We We really We can't.
No, we can't, 'cause we promised Alice.
Right, well if you promised Alice, if you crossed your heart and pinky-swore, then - Bye-bye, drugs.
- Bye-bye.
Oh.
Oh, God, my head.
I feel dirty.
- What? - We cheated on Alice with another woman.
Drinking, dancing.
I even told her my best "what do call a man" joke.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum? - Darren, I don't know.
- It's Warren.
Every time.
Look, Mitch, we just We went out, we had a laugh.
I dirty danced with her a bit and touched her tits.
Oh, my God, I'm a bigamist.
She's the other woman.
What are we gonna do? - Hey! - Everything okay? - Yeah, good.
- Yeah.
- We were talking about Alice.
- Fine, I'm always fine.
You know, just a different Alice to you, so - So, you know.
- Yeah, we're good.
Who's Wendy? What? That's it? She'd usually have given us the third degree by now.
She didn't even notice we were late in last night.
That's not like her.
Maybe all this gingham print's dulled her senses.
Last night was a moment of weakness, a metaphorical snog in the bushes.
- We don't start a full-blown affair.
- No, we won't see Wendy again.
What! What's with all this cooking? If Alice was still Alice, that would be arranged into a cock and balls by now.
Well, there's no use crying over spilt milk, or missed vegetable genitalia Oh, my, my, my, look at you.
We're gonna have so much fun at the baby shower and you, little missy, you are gonna take pride of place.
Yes, you are.
Who were you talking to? - I wasn't talking to anybody.
- You were definitely talking to someone.
Okay, I was.
My mum did a bit of a lovely thing and she just arrived in the post.
Lorraine? Get ready to be introduced to -# Princess Lullaby Dreamtime # -# Princess Lullaby Dreamtime # What's that? She's singing when she's dreaming And she's dreaming when she's singing Be strong, resist.
Be strong, resist.
Oh, isn't she just the cutest? Princess Lullaby Dreamtime What? - Richie? - Shh, shh.
I can't take it any more.
I can't stop thinking about her.
- Me, neither.
- I have to see her again, Mitch.
Okay, one more time.
-# Princess Lullaby Dreamtime # -# Princess Lullaby Dreamtime # - Hey! - Oh, hey! Ordered ahead.
Vodka Coke, vodka Diet Coke.
And I was thinking, for afters Oh, no, we can't, we've got a baby shower tomorrow.
Three things guaranteed to be better on E.
Sex, techno and baby showers.
No, no, no, no, we We can't.
Well, we shouldn't.
We shouldn't.
We shouldn't.
We really, really shouldn't.
Wendy, out of casual interest, do you know what a lemon reamer is? Not a fucking clue.
Not a clue.
Not a clue! Isn't this brilliant? This is brilliant.
This is so brilliant.
Ooh, do that with your hand, it feels amazing.
- And now try both hands.
- Whoa.
Too much.
Five finger's plenty.
Mate, mate, mate.
Mate, mate, mate.
Mate, mate, mate.
Mate, this is bad, mate.
Ah.
We gotta go to our baby shower, mate.
The kids are all right, but the dads are wasted.
Mate, I'm here, I'm here.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - Nakatomi Plaza? - No, no.
We invite Wendy to the baby shower.
Yes.
Yes, Alice would love Wendy.
Alice would love Wendy, and, if she's with us, no one will notice we're wasted.
'Cause everyone will be looking at her lovely hair.
There's literally nothing that can go wrong with this plan.
I've bought some more bears, just in case.
All colours, so baby won't grow up racist.
Oh, thank you, Sue.
Don't you think they are lovely, jenny? I do, I just love their ickle-wickle faces.
I, too, have bought a bear.
It's He's Steve.
He's handmade from Harrods and he's a collector's item.
Thank you, jenny.
I just got a simple, plain, little bear.
Nothing fancy.
You know me.
- Close your eyes.
- Ooh.
Hi, Steve.
Steve, Steve.
Ooh, Mum, where is he? Open.
It's in its own pram.
Hi, honey, we're home.
Right, yeah, 'cause thinking about it now, this would have been a bad idea.
So glad you could make it.
ALL three of you.
Who the hell is she? - Have you taken drugs? - Mum, look at her lovely hair.
- Have you taken drugs? - Little bits of one.
Hi, I'm Wendy.
Who the fuck is Wendy? Hold on, Alice just said, "Fuck.
" Oh, God, Wendy doesn't look well.
I think, Wendy's gonna go lie down now.
Bye, Wendy.
Get her the fuck out of here.
Oh, you said it twice.
I knew you was in there, Princess.
So, anybody have more presents for me? - Princess, just listen - Alice Say it, man.
- I don't know what I'm gonna say, but On the spot, I'm going to give it a sorry.
I'm sorry.
- I'm really, really sorry.
- I'm really, really sorry.
Oh, my God, it's like I've just woken out of some sort of nightmare.
I'm not her.
I'm not the girly-girl with the napkin swans or the mumsy-mum with the Lullaby Princess Dreamtime.
Vegetable cock and balls.
How did I miss that? I'm just me.
Alice, you don't have to be anything.
But I do.
I have to be a mum.
I think I've been overcompensating.
Princess, you're gonna be an amazing mum.
Yeah, fingers crossed.
Or else, I might turn out to be a Little bit Like her.
I was a paragon of maternity.
Richie, for 10 years, you've been my best friend.
Mitch, honey, for four years, you've been the love of my life.
You're not my friends now, you're my family, you all are.
Except for you, Wendy.
I think I was just trying so hard to bring us all together, and I think I've just pushed you all apart.
Alice is right.
It's silly, all this competitiveness.
We've brought out the worst in ourselves.
Guys, just send it all back.
It's you we want, not the presents.
Don't even think about it, Mum.
We still want your presents.
Um Princess Lullaby Dreamtime? Guys, I think she's actually a sex doll.
And I think you're You were right.
Take that.
Send her back, Mum.
Keep the money for booze, you deserve it.
Oh, great, I just love being a granny.
Right, let's celebrate.
I've got the good tequila in my bag.
Look at her lovely hair.