Tiffany Haddish Presents: They Ready (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
Chaunté Wayans
1 Chaunté Wayans.
The girl is hilarious.
She has a little different flair to her.
She want to be who she is in her skin and not conform to anything "society" says she supposed to be, and I think that's super dope.
They ready, they ready I think they ready - They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world - Aah, Chaunté is in the building! - Yay! - Hey, boo! - What up, sis? How you doin'? I'm good.
- So glad you could make it.
- Oh, thank you for havin' me.
I started stand-up in about 2003.
I was doin' open mics and I fell in love.
It was It was an outlet for me.
- They all the way ready - I wanna know, why do you do comedy? You know, for me I actually I come from a famous family.
I didn't want to be a part of it and I didn't really have a voice growing up, so when I was able to get up there and express myself, it was over, I fell in love.
Just startin' off, like, I didn't want to be the gay comic, so a lot of my stuff started in straight or or a mainstream kind of room.
But I wanted to be able to bring the straight world and the gay community together, because I always knew that there's other people that needs to hear this.
If I can just change one person in the audience, that's what matters.
My life hasn't been as easy as everybody think it is.
I had a lot of people just go, "Maybe you should try to change what you look like.
" And I just The more they said that, the more they was like, "Put on a tight shirt," I was like, "Let me put on this hoodie.
" I just kept staying with that, and it brought me all to here.
You know, I'm so proud of you, too.
I don't wanna be seen as a as a female or a guy.
I just want to be seen as a human being.
And this special is brilliant, because Tiffany's allowing you to be exactly who you wanna be and just be funny.
- Yeah! They ready! - Yeah! - She ready! - Yeah! Yeah, yeah Ladies and gentlemen, make a whole lot of noise for the last black unicorn, Tiffany Haddish! Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Hey! What's up, everybody? Welcome to They Ready! Comin' to the stage right now, this comedian, one of my good friends.
I have known her for almost well well over 12 years.
That's for sure.
We came from the bottom to the top.
Please make a whole lot of noise for my friend Chaunté Wayans! - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah - Okay! Okay! - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world What the hell is up, Los Angeles? How y'all doin'? This is nice, this is This is really nice, man.
Uh This is actually my life in a nutshell, you know? I always took the longer road, the harder road in life, like with datin' women.
I grew up mostly around men, so when I came out the closet, I just took they lead, you know? I went and bought the equipment and everything, 'cause I thought I was supposed to be tough.
Now I'm about ready to give in my gay card, 'cause I thought this shit was gonna be easy.
I used to see all the dudes in my family, they didn't have to cook or clean, they hung out with mad chicks.
I was like, "I want that role in my life.
" I didn't know I was gonna have to be the defender in my relationship.
Like, I remember, these dudes were bein' disrespectful to my girl and she lookin' at me like, "You just gonna let them talk to me like that?" I'm like, "Now, hold on, baby.
I just play a man, all right?" This shit is not real right here.
Matter of fact, let me take this shit off right now, you just Hm.
I got jumped by three dudes trying to defend my chick.
They fuckin' beat my ass, though, telling me, "What kind of man are you, you won't defend yourself?" I'm like, "I'm a lady-man! Please! Don't do that!" My whole 20s, I was this tomboy.
Now I'm turnin' into my fuckin' mother.
It's fuckin' weird.
I be gettin' all emotional around my boys.
They like, "Are you cryin' in a basketball game?" I'm like, "It's the way you said 'Hand me the ball.
'" They like, "Oh, hell no.
" Now I feel like I'm fightin' for the little man left in me.
I'm like, "Coach, put me back in the game.
" They lookin' at me like, "My man, you had a good run.
Seventeen years of us not knowin' you was menstruatin'? That's good stats right there.
" I feel like it's my retirement day, like I'mma have to hang my dildo up on the rafter.
Man, it's been a very emotional game for me.
You know, I'd like to announce my retirement after 17 years of bein' one of the fellas.
This is a very difficult decision, but I feel like this is best for me and my legacy.
I'm very proud of our accomplishments as a team, gettin' chicks for 17 years, as as well as my individual accomplishments.
Thank y'all so much.
I feel like I feel like it's always that one dude trying to keep you in the game, like that dude from Paid in Full.
He's like, "Hey, yo, Tay! Niggas cry every day, B.
" "You good, right? You straight?" I'm looking at him like, "Hey, yo, Rico, understand what I'm sayin'.
" You know? Everything's different.
My body different.
I un-taped my titties.
I've been cryin' all day for no reason.
I'm out! Like, what the fuck? Here's the deal, though.
Um I lost all my benefits being a female.
I lost all of them.
Like if I want somebody to open the door for me, guess who gotta do it? Me.
If I'm cold, I'm just fuckin' cold.
I gotta pay for my bills and my girl's bills.
I need to find me a man just so I can recoup half of the fuckin' money I spent.
Damn you chicks, right? And it's crazy, 'cause a lot of dudes are switchin' over now too, so shit is just gettin' weird completely.
Real talk.
Dudes' clothes gettin' so tight, it's turnin' me back into a fuckin' female.
I tried to go shoppin' the other day, I was like, "Where's the men's section?" They said, "This is the men's section.
" I was like, "Blouses and leggings? What is this, the Migos collection?" But shit has been good.
Uh You know, I come from a famous family, bein' a Wayans.
- Whoo! - Yeah, thank you.
Some of y'all don't know, y'all like, "What?" It's been hard, though, because A lot of y'all know half of my family is rich and half of them are poor.
- Yeah.
- And, uh Hear that? "Yeah!" And I grew up on the poor side, unfortunately.
Don't get me wrong, I've been in all they films.
You just gotta have a hell of a slow-motion button.
Or have me sittin' next to you, like, "You see that building over there? Okay.
If you just look to the far right in the corner, when he go by, that's my shoulder shadow right there.
" And I was like the Cinderella of the summer.
I would come to Cali every summer, visit my rich side.
We'd go to premieres, after-parties.
I got to meet a lot of celebrities.
Then, when that clock striked at the end of the summer I could see it.
I saw the mansion leave the gated community.
I think my car turned into a fuckin' pumpkin on the way to the airport.
Then I had to go back home to the projects.
I'm lookin' at my mom like, 'Woman, would it kill you to tell a fuckin' joke?" Yeah, in this industry, I needed to make a name for myself because I kept getting tired of people goin', "Hey, man, you would be perfect for this role.
If you could just get Damon Oh, man! You'd be you'd be fuckin' amazin'.
" And it's really hard to separate us, because people know we're related.
I mean, the Wayans couldn't even do a crime because we all fuckin' look alike.
We got a designated Wayans just to take the rap for us in case some shit go down.
Shit, there are Wayans spending time in jail for some shit I did a long time ago.
Thank you, Derek.
But I was torn with them, and I decided to rebuild, uh 'cause I got into a argument with my uncle, and, uh, right before I was goin' on stage, this nigga farted on me.
I'm like, "You a grown-ass man.
" He was like, "You wanna be one of the fellas.
" I was like, "Not that fuckin' bad.
" He pissed me off so bad that I was like, "I'd rather go struggle and make a damn name for myself.
I don't need you.
You don't respect me.
I can go do Postmates, if I could just make If I could just make $500 a day, that's, what, $4 a ride? If I just 48 hours? I I can do this all by myself.
" So that's what I'm doin' now.
Postmates.
Uh We got some Postmates in here? Or did I deliver to some of y'all? Postmates is not that bad, I actually make decent money.
Uh, it's kind of weird, runnin' into people I know.
I ran into this dude I just sold a TV show.
He was like, "Hey, Chaunté Wayans!" You try to over-explain yourself.
I was like, "Yeah, man, you know, I'm out here hustlin'.
Ju Like, you know, ju Just finished tourin' and shit, you know what I mean? Just had some meetings, about to sell some shit, you know? Just doin' this to pay off a little bit of debt, you know, and have extra money.
" He was like, "Oh, cool.
My food is getting cold.
I gotta go.
" Could've fucking tipped me, man.
Postmates is fun.
It's fun.
There's a lot of judgment in Postmates.
Like, I realized white people love chicken and waffles.
They all love it, you know? It's crazy too, 'cause I've been drivin' up in the hills and stuff and I'm like, "Look at my people all the way up in the top.
You know what I'm sayin'? And not forgettin'" I'm like, "Look at them, man, they don't forget where they came from.
This what I'm talkin' about!" Then I get there, it's just a regular-ass white lady that opens the door, she's like People are bougie in Postmates, especially people in the hood.
Real talk, I showed up one time, she said, "Could you bring my food to the door?" I was like, "No, bitch.
I'm scared.
You live here, so they obviously know you.
How about you come downstairs and I'll tip you to come get your own fuckin' food?" I'm freshly single, though.
Eh? That's what I wanted to hear! Don't clap, fella, that was for the ladies.
You just clapped, too.
What the fuck this mean? This, though You just No, I'm freshly single.
I'm I'm not gonna lie, now that I'm single, I'm like, "Man, I do like goin' out.
I do like twerkin'.
I do like bein' a ho.
This is fun.
" 'Cause I was in this relationship, I was in a spiritual relationship, and everything was beautiful, I was meditating, but I got rid of all the people in my life 'cause I thought they was too negative.
Now that I'm single, I'm like, "Man, I do like negativity.
Negativity is fuckin'" It's really fun sometimes.
" All this shit was fun for, like, two days, you know? I got cocky.
I was like, "Man, I'mma have mad chicks, You know, all this stuff is happenin', it's gonna be bomb.
" Six months later, I got absolutely no ass, I ate nothin' for six months, man.
I've been so horny that I almost messed with this chick that I wasn't attracted to.
I was trying to find things attractive about her.
I was like, "I mean, she got Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle abs.
I like I like Donatello.
This is" The shit that started pissin' me off, though, was she started tellin' people about our situation.
I'm like, "Hey, bitch, you inside beauty, you need to" Fellas, y'all know what I'm talkin' about.
It's always Listen, here's the deal.
To each his own.
But she actually got crazy on me, and you can't be ugly and crazy.
You gotta pick one.
All I'm sayin' is, if you are unattractive, you need to be really understandin'.
Right? 'Cause somebody attractive can become unattractive with how annoyin' they are.
So imagine somebody already unattractive gettin' on your nerves.
You like, "Bitch, this is real love.
Like, I've been lookin' on the inside of you this whole time.
Don't make me look on the outside.
" But truth is, man, it's already hard in this gay community, and you got a lot of those gargoyles tryin' to cross over.
But let me tell you somethin', you unattractive females.
If you are unattractive in the straight world, ten times out of ten and a half, you are gonna be unattractive in the gay world.
So stop bringin' your ugly ass over to our side.
We gay, but we see straight.
I hate it, man.
Be chicks with three kids tryin' to cross over.
Like, "Woman, you ain't gay.
You just ran outta options.
Stop.
" I actually, uh was was datin' this one girl.
Um She was really pretty, little Instagram kind of model, you know? Lookin' kind of nice.
Um, and I'm a foot person, you know, even though my feet are horrible, uh You gotta have nice feet, that's all I'm sayin'.
But she was cool.
We was goin' out, havin' a good time.
She would laugh at my jokes, I'd laugh at hers.
Um Everything was goin' good, but by the third date, I realize that she's been wearin' the same fuckin' boots on every date.
And I'm not a picky person, but I'm just, like, "Everywhere we go?" We went to the movies, she got on these boots.
I took her to this nice restaurant, she got on these boots.
We go hikin' she she got on these boots.
And these ain't even hikin' boots.
They not even Tims.
They fur fuckin' boots that come knee-high.
I'm like, "I know you gotta be sweatin' in these shoes.
" Now I don't even wanna smash.
I'm just tryin' to figure out how to get her out these boots.
Every time we make out and stuff, I just start tryin' to take off the boots first, she just swat my hand.
So, like, "All right.
I'mma start takin' you out to places where you gotta take your boots off.
" I took her to the spa.
This chick must have took off her clothes over her boots.
I was like, "Did you just take your socks off and not your boots?" We went to the beach.
She came out in a bikini with her boots on.
I was like, "You wearing those?" She was like, "My feet are cold.
" I was like, "Just your feet, bitch?" So then I take her bowling, 'cause I know you just can't go bowlin' in regular shoes, right? You gotta put on some bowlin' shoes.
I'm like, "I'm about to find out she got webbed feet.
Somethin' going down.
" She go up to the counter, she's like, "Can I get a size 12?" I said, "I thought you was a nine.
" She said, "Bitch, I know what I'm doin'.
" She put the bowlin' shoes over her boots! We stopped datin', though, 'cause I found out Boots was cheatin' on me.
I'm like, "Stinky Boots is just cheatin' on me?" I tried to run to my male friends.
That's what I love about men.
Y'all Y'all don't care.
It doesn't matter what's going on.
Y'all can get horny.
Y'all can get sexual off of anything.
I tried to run to them for sympathy.
I run in the house, they playing Call of Duty.
I'm like They not payin' no attention to me.
I was like, "Man, I can't believe I caught my chick naked in the bed with another chick.
" It was like, "Eeek!" Like a record just stopped.
Even the dude in the Call of Duty game put his gun down, was like, "What?" All All the zombies is like "Aaaah?" My boy's like, "You caught your chick naked in bed with another chick? Aww, Chaunté sit down and tell us everything that happened.
That is just so sad.
I can't believe she did that to you.
Was they fully naked? Damn.
It's okay, tell us everything.
" I'm thinkin' they with me and stuff, so I'm like, "Well, I woke up in the mornin', I tried to call" They like, "Nah, fast-forward that shit.
Get to the part you caught 'em both naked in the bed.
" They like, "Matter of fact, when you walked in, what position was they actually in?" And, like, "Get the fuck out of here.
That is just That is just crazy when" They was 69-in'? That is so fucked up, man, so" "Where was you at?" "Oh, you was watchin'? Aaaaah!" I'm tryin' to get back into the sobriety.
I uh I originally stopped drinkin' because, uh, every time I drink, I turn straight.
It's the weirdest shit ever.
Weirdest thing ever.
I'd be, like, white girl wasted, be like "Whoo!" I remember wakin' up in the bed, cuddlin' with this dude.
I'm like, "What the hell are you doin' in my bed?" He was like, "Oh, you don't remember last night?" I was like, "No wonder it felt weird tryin' to eat you out.
That's crazy.
" Had this dude's legs up and everything.
I was like, "This is the biggest clit I have ever" Ecstasy was my favorite drug.
- Whoo! - Used to pop a lot of E.
Eh! That's how y'all got married? Real talk, I got hit by a car on Sunset, uh in LA, while on E.
And it's okay, 'cause it felt fuckin' amazin'.
That's what ecstasy does, it makes everything feel great.
The problem with ecstasy, though, is it has you believe you're doin' stuff you're not really doin'.
Like, I was at a club one time and I could've sworn that I was on the dance floor for, like, a hour and a half.
I thought I was doin' every choreographed dance in existence.
Until I had my friends come up to me like, "Yo, why you not dancin'?" I was like, "You didn't just see me on the dance floor? I was freaking robotin' and everything.
" Apparently, I was just doing this shit the whole time.
But I was exhausted.
Drinking's never been good for me, though.
I actually went to jail for it.
Um Scary as hell.
I was cryin' to the officer the whole time.
I'm like, "Please, officer, don't take me to jail, please!" And then I got there, and I was like, "Man! Y'all need to come up with a new punishment for lesbians, 'cause, uh this shit is like the All-Star Game for me right here, this is" I'm lookin' around like I'm at a gay amusement park, I'm like, "What is this? Six Fags? This is amazin'! I wanna go on every ride!" All my family was callin' me, they like, "We comin' to bail you out.
Keep your head up.
" I was like, "No.
Mm-mm.
Don't you come bail me out of this prison! I'm about to spend my full sentence in this bitch, man!" Jail is crazy, though.
Jail actually had me rethink my lifestyle a little bit, 'cause I realized how much of a stud I wasn't until I went to jail.
These chicks in jail, man.
I met this one girl, really thought she was a dude, really thought she was goin' through dude problems.
My cellmate.
I walked in the room, she got her head down, I'm like, "What's wrong, man?" She's like, "Man.
I just found out my girlfriend was pregnant.
" I was like, "Damn, that's that's fucked up.
" She was like, "I know.
What I'mma do?" She was really tryin' to figure it out, too.
She was like, "Yo, son, this shit ain't never happened to me before, kid.
Like, my pull-out game is mad strong, son!" "I'm trying to have a career.
I gotta stack this money first before I have kids.
Like, I ain't ready.
What am I supposed to tell my mom?" I was like, "That your bitch is a ho.
That is not your baby, ma'am.
You are not the father.
" Livin' this life, I don't know.
I'm, uh I never really thought about gettin' married.
You know, I was all for, like, they got the gay marriage out right now.
I was like, "Okay, cool.
" I was I was with it, fightin' for it, until, uh, it came legal.
I ain't think it was gonna be legal.
Now I'm like, "Oh, shit.
I shouldn't have fought so hard.
" Here's the deal.
I don't know if I wanna get married, 'cause I see all you straight people, y'all look stressed as fuck, you know? Y'all start agin' like presidents when y'all get married.
Like, "How many terms you been in this relationship?" It's fucking crazy, man.
But the real thing is like, when it was That used to be my go-to.
Like, when I used to mess up in my relationships, I used to be like, "Baby, I love you so damn much that, if gay marriage were legalized, I would marry you today.
" Then they legalized that shit.
My girl came home all happy.
She was like, "Yay, we can get married now!" I had to pull out the Bible on her ass.
I was like, "Wait a minute, now.
" My name's Chaunté Wayans, thank y'all so much! We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah - No stoppin' me - They ready, I think they ready - I think they ready, I think they - Yes! I think they, I think they I think they - I'm proud of you.
- Thank you.
- That was amazing.
- I think they I think they ready They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah No stoppin' me They ready, they ready I think they ready I think they ready They all the way ready
The girl is hilarious.
She has a little different flair to her.
She want to be who she is in her skin and not conform to anything "society" says she supposed to be, and I think that's super dope.
They ready, they ready I think they ready - They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world - Aah, Chaunté is in the building! - Yay! - Hey, boo! - What up, sis? How you doin'? I'm good.
- So glad you could make it.
- Oh, thank you for havin' me.
I started stand-up in about 2003.
I was doin' open mics and I fell in love.
It was It was an outlet for me.
- They all the way ready - I wanna know, why do you do comedy? You know, for me I actually I come from a famous family.
I didn't want to be a part of it and I didn't really have a voice growing up, so when I was able to get up there and express myself, it was over, I fell in love.
Just startin' off, like, I didn't want to be the gay comic, so a lot of my stuff started in straight or or a mainstream kind of room.
But I wanted to be able to bring the straight world and the gay community together, because I always knew that there's other people that needs to hear this.
If I can just change one person in the audience, that's what matters.
My life hasn't been as easy as everybody think it is.
I had a lot of people just go, "Maybe you should try to change what you look like.
" And I just The more they said that, the more they was like, "Put on a tight shirt," I was like, "Let me put on this hoodie.
" I just kept staying with that, and it brought me all to here.
You know, I'm so proud of you, too.
I don't wanna be seen as a as a female or a guy.
I just want to be seen as a human being.
And this special is brilliant, because Tiffany's allowing you to be exactly who you wanna be and just be funny.
- Yeah! They ready! - Yeah! - She ready! - Yeah! Yeah, yeah Ladies and gentlemen, make a whole lot of noise for the last black unicorn, Tiffany Haddish! Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Hey! What's up, everybody? Welcome to They Ready! Comin' to the stage right now, this comedian, one of my good friends.
I have known her for almost well well over 12 years.
That's for sure.
We came from the bottom to the top.
Please make a whole lot of noise for my friend Chaunté Wayans! - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah - Okay! Okay! - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world What the hell is up, Los Angeles? How y'all doin'? This is nice, this is This is really nice, man.
Uh This is actually my life in a nutshell, you know? I always took the longer road, the harder road in life, like with datin' women.
I grew up mostly around men, so when I came out the closet, I just took they lead, you know? I went and bought the equipment and everything, 'cause I thought I was supposed to be tough.
Now I'm about ready to give in my gay card, 'cause I thought this shit was gonna be easy.
I used to see all the dudes in my family, they didn't have to cook or clean, they hung out with mad chicks.
I was like, "I want that role in my life.
" I didn't know I was gonna have to be the defender in my relationship.
Like, I remember, these dudes were bein' disrespectful to my girl and she lookin' at me like, "You just gonna let them talk to me like that?" I'm like, "Now, hold on, baby.
I just play a man, all right?" This shit is not real right here.
Matter of fact, let me take this shit off right now, you just Hm.
I got jumped by three dudes trying to defend my chick.
They fuckin' beat my ass, though, telling me, "What kind of man are you, you won't defend yourself?" I'm like, "I'm a lady-man! Please! Don't do that!" My whole 20s, I was this tomboy.
Now I'm turnin' into my fuckin' mother.
It's fuckin' weird.
I be gettin' all emotional around my boys.
They like, "Are you cryin' in a basketball game?" I'm like, "It's the way you said 'Hand me the ball.
'" They like, "Oh, hell no.
" Now I feel like I'm fightin' for the little man left in me.
I'm like, "Coach, put me back in the game.
" They lookin' at me like, "My man, you had a good run.
Seventeen years of us not knowin' you was menstruatin'? That's good stats right there.
" I feel like it's my retirement day, like I'mma have to hang my dildo up on the rafter.
Man, it's been a very emotional game for me.
You know, I'd like to announce my retirement after 17 years of bein' one of the fellas.
This is a very difficult decision, but I feel like this is best for me and my legacy.
I'm very proud of our accomplishments as a team, gettin' chicks for 17 years, as as well as my individual accomplishments.
Thank y'all so much.
I feel like I feel like it's always that one dude trying to keep you in the game, like that dude from Paid in Full.
He's like, "Hey, yo, Tay! Niggas cry every day, B.
" "You good, right? You straight?" I'm looking at him like, "Hey, yo, Rico, understand what I'm sayin'.
" You know? Everything's different.
My body different.
I un-taped my titties.
I've been cryin' all day for no reason.
I'm out! Like, what the fuck? Here's the deal, though.
Um I lost all my benefits being a female.
I lost all of them.
Like if I want somebody to open the door for me, guess who gotta do it? Me.
If I'm cold, I'm just fuckin' cold.
I gotta pay for my bills and my girl's bills.
I need to find me a man just so I can recoup half of the fuckin' money I spent.
Damn you chicks, right? And it's crazy, 'cause a lot of dudes are switchin' over now too, so shit is just gettin' weird completely.
Real talk.
Dudes' clothes gettin' so tight, it's turnin' me back into a fuckin' female.
I tried to go shoppin' the other day, I was like, "Where's the men's section?" They said, "This is the men's section.
" I was like, "Blouses and leggings? What is this, the Migos collection?" But shit has been good.
Uh You know, I come from a famous family, bein' a Wayans.
- Whoo! - Yeah, thank you.
Some of y'all don't know, y'all like, "What?" It's been hard, though, because A lot of y'all know half of my family is rich and half of them are poor.
- Yeah.
- And, uh Hear that? "Yeah!" And I grew up on the poor side, unfortunately.
Don't get me wrong, I've been in all they films.
You just gotta have a hell of a slow-motion button.
Or have me sittin' next to you, like, "You see that building over there? Okay.
If you just look to the far right in the corner, when he go by, that's my shoulder shadow right there.
" And I was like the Cinderella of the summer.
I would come to Cali every summer, visit my rich side.
We'd go to premieres, after-parties.
I got to meet a lot of celebrities.
Then, when that clock striked at the end of the summer I could see it.
I saw the mansion leave the gated community.
I think my car turned into a fuckin' pumpkin on the way to the airport.
Then I had to go back home to the projects.
I'm lookin' at my mom like, 'Woman, would it kill you to tell a fuckin' joke?" Yeah, in this industry, I needed to make a name for myself because I kept getting tired of people goin', "Hey, man, you would be perfect for this role.
If you could just get Damon Oh, man! You'd be you'd be fuckin' amazin'.
" And it's really hard to separate us, because people know we're related.
I mean, the Wayans couldn't even do a crime because we all fuckin' look alike.
We got a designated Wayans just to take the rap for us in case some shit go down.
Shit, there are Wayans spending time in jail for some shit I did a long time ago.
Thank you, Derek.
But I was torn with them, and I decided to rebuild, uh 'cause I got into a argument with my uncle, and, uh, right before I was goin' on stage, this nigga farted on me.
I'm like, "You a grown-ass man.
" He was like, "You wanna be one of the fellas.
" I was like, "Not that fuckin' bad.
" He pissed me off so bad that I was like, "I'd rather go struggle and make a damn name for myself.
I don't need you.
You don't respect me.
I can go do Postmates, if I could just make If I could just make $500 a day, that's, what, $4 a ride? If I just 48 hours? I I can do this all by myself.
" So that's what I'm doin' now.
Postmates.
Uh We got some Postmates in here? Or did I deliver to some of y'all? Postmates is not that bad, I actually make decent money.
Uh, it's kind of weird, runnin' into people I know.
I ran into this dude I just sold a TV show.
He was like, "Hey, Chaunté Wayans!" You try to over-explain yourself.
I was like, "Yeah, man, you know, I'm out here hustlin'.
Ju Like, you know, ju Just finished tourin' and shit, you know what I mean? Just had some meetings, about to sell some shit, you know? Just doin' this to pay off a little bit of debt, you know, and have extra money.
" He was like, "Oh, cool.
My food is getting cold.
I gotta go.
" Could've fucking tipped me, man.
Postmates is fun.
It's fun.
There's a lot of judgment in Postmates.
Like, I realized white people love chicken and waffles.
They all love it, you know? It's crazy too, 'cause I've been drivin' up in the hills and stuff and I'm like, "Look at my people all the way up in the top.
You know what I'm sayin'? And not forgettin'" I'm like, "Look at them, man, they don't forget where they came from.
This what I'm talkin' about!" Then I get there, it's just a regular-ass white lady that opens the door, she's like People are bougie in Postmates, especially people in the hood.
Real talk, I showed up one time, she said, "Could you bring my food to the door?" I was like, "No, bitch.
I'm scared.
You live here, so they obviously know you.
How about you come downstairs and I'll tip you to come get your own fuckin' food?" I'm freshly single, though.
Eh? That's what I wanted to hear! Don't clap, fella, that was for the ladies.
You just clapped, too.
What the fuck this mean? This, though You just No, I'm freshly single.
I'm I'm not gonna lie, now that I'm single, I'm like, "Man, I do like goin' out.
I do like twerkin'.
I do like bein' a ho.
This is fun.
" 'Cause I was in this relationship, I was in a spiritual relationship, and everything was beautiful, I was meditating, but I got rid of all the people in my life 'cause I thought they was too negative.
Now that I'm single, I'm like, "Man, I do like negativity.
Negativity is fuckin'" It's really fun sometimes.
" All this shit was fun for, like, two days, you know? I got cocky.
I was like, "Man, I'mma have mad chicks, You know, all this stuff is happenin', it's gonna be bomb.
" Six months later, I got absolutely no ass, I ate nothin' for six months, man.
I've been so horny that I almost messed with this chick that I wasn't attracted to.
I was trying to find things attractive about her.
I was like, "I mean, she got Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle abs.
I like I like Donatello.
This is" The shit that started pissin' me off, though, was she started tellin' people about our situation.
I'm like, "Hey, bitch, you inside beauty, you need to" Fellas, y'all know what I'm talkin' about.
It's always Listen, here's the deal.
To each his own.
But she actually got crazy on me, and you can't be ugly and crazy.
You gotta pick one.
All I'm sayin' is, if you are unattractive, you need to be really understandin'.
Right? 'Cause somebody attractive can become unattractive with how annoyin' they are.
So imagine somebody already unattractive gettin' on your nerves.
You like, "Bitch, this is real love.
Like, I've been lookin' on the inside of you this whole time.
Don't make me look on the outside.
" But truth is, man, it's already hard in this gay community, and you got a lot of those gargoyles tryin' to cross over.
But let me tell you somethin', you unattractive females.
If you are unattractive in the straight world, ten times out of ten and a half, you are gonna be unattractive in the gay world.
So stop bringin' your ugly ass over to our side.
We gay, but we see straight.
I hate it, man.
Be chicks with three kids tryin' to cross over.
Like, "Woman, you ain't gay.
You just ran outta options.
Stop.
" I actually, uh was was datin' this one girl.
Um She was really pretty, little Instagram kind of model, you know? Lookin' kind of nice.
Um, and I'm a foot person, you know, even though my feet are horrible, uh You gotta have nice feet, that's all I'm sayin'.
But she was cool.
We was goin' out, havin' a good time.
She would laugh at my jokes, I'd laugh at hers.
Um Everything was goin' good, but by the third date, I realize that she's been wearin' the same fuckin' boots on every date.
And I'm not a picky person, but I'm just, like, "Everywhere we go?" We went to the movies, she got on these boots.
I took her to this nice restaurant, she got on these boots.
We go hikin' she she got on these boots.
And these ain't even hikin' boots.
They not even Tims.
They fur fuckin' boots that come knee-high.
I'm like, "I know you gotta be sweatin' in these shoes.
" Now I don't even wanna smash.
I'm just tryin' to figure out how to get her out these boots.
Every time we make out and stuff, I just start tryin' to take off the boots first, she just swat my hand.
So, like, "All right.
I'mma start takin' you out to places where you gotta take your boots off.
" I took her to the spa.
This chick must have took off her clothes over her boots.
I was like, "Did you just take your socks off and not your boots?" We went to the beach.
She came out in a bikini with her boots on.
I was like, "You wearing those?" She was like, "My feet are cold.
" I was like, "Just your feet, bitch?" So then I take her bowling, 'cause I know you just can't go bowlin' in regular shoes, right? You gotta put on some bowlin' shoes.
I'm like, "I'm about to find out she got webbed feet.
Somethin' going down.
" She go up to the counter, she's like, "Can I get a size 12?" I said, "I thought you was a nine.
" She said, "Bitch, I know what I'm doin'.
" She put the bowlin' shoes over her boots! We stopped datin', though, 'cause I found out Boots was cheatin' on me.
I'm like, "Stinky Boots is just cheatin' on me?" I tried to run to my male friends.
That's what I love about men.
Y'all Y'all don't care.
It doesn't matter what's going on.
Y'all can get horny.
Y'all can get sexual off of anything.
I tried to run to them for sympathy.
I run in the house, they playing Call of Duty.
I'm like They not payin' no attention to me.
I was like, "Man, I can't believe I caught my chick naked in the bed with another chick.
" It was like, "Eeek!" Like a record just stopped.
Even the dude in the Call of Duty game put his gun down, was like, "What?" All All the zombies is like "Aaaah?" My boy's like, "You caught your chick naked in bed with another chick? Aww, Chaunté sit down and tell us everything that happened.
That is just so sad.
I can't believe she did that to you.
Was they fully naked? Damn.
It's okay, tell us everything.
" I'm thinkin' they with me and stuff, so I'm like, "Well, I woke up in the mornin', I tried to call" They like, "Nah, fast-forward that shit.
Get to the part you caught 'em both naked in the bed.
" They like, "Matter of fact, when you walked in, what position was they actually in?" And, like, "Get the fuck out of here.
That is just That is just crazy when" They was 69-in'? That is so fucked up, man, so" "Where was you at?" "Oh, you was watchin'? Aaaaah!" I'm tryin' to get back into the sobriety.
I uh I originally stopped drinkin' because, uh, every time I drink, I turn straight.
It's the weirdest shit ever.
Weirdest thing ever.
I'd be, like, white girl wasted, be like "Whoo!" I remember wakin' up in the bed, cuddlin' with this dude.
I'm like, "What the hell are you doin' in my bed?" He was like, "Oh, you don't remember last night?" I was like, "No wonder it felt weird tryin' to eat you out.
That's crazy.
" Had this dude's legs up and everything.
I was like, "This is the biggest clit I have ever" Ecstasy was my favorite drug.
- Whoo! - Used to pop a lot of E.
Eh! That's how y'all got married? Real talk, I got hit by a car on Sunset, uh in LA, while on E.
And it's okay, 'cause it felt fuckin' amazin'.
That's what ecstasy does, it makes everything feel great.
The problem with ecstasy, though, is it has you believe you're doin' stuff you're not really doin'.
Like, I was at a club one time and I could've sworn that I was on the dance floor for, like, a hour and a half.
I thought I was doin' every choreographed dance in existence.
Until I had my friends come up to me like, "Yo, why you not dancin'?" I was like, "You didn't just see me on the dance floor? I was freaking robotin' and everything.
" Apparently, I was just doing this shit the whole time.
But I was exhausted.
Drinking's never been good for me, though.
I actually went to jail for it.
Um Scary as hell.
I was cryin' to the officer the whole time.
I'm like, "Please, officer, don't take me to jail, please!" And then I got there, and I was like, "Man! Y'all need to come up with a new punishment for lesbians, 'cause, uh this shit is like the All-Star Game for me right here, this is" I'm lookin' around like I'm at a gay amusement park, I'm like, "What is this? Six Fags? This is amazin'! I wanna go on every ride!" All my family was callin' me, they like, "We comin' to bail you out.
Keep your head up.
" I was like, "No.
Mm-mm.
Don't you come bail me out of this prison! I'm about to spend my full sentence in this bitch, man!" Jail is crazy, though.
Jail actually had me rethink my lifestyle a little bit, 'cause I realized how much of a stud I wasn't until I went to jail.
These chicks in jail, man.
I met this one girl, really thought she was a dude, really thought she was goin' through dude problems.
My cellmate.
I walked in the room, she got her head down, I'm like, "What's wrong, man?" She's like, "Man.
I just found out my girlfriend was pregnant.
" I was like, "Damn, that's that's fucked up.
" She was like, "I know.
What I'mma do?" She was really tryin' to figure it out, too.
She was like, "Yo, son, this shit ain't never happened to me before, kid.
Like, my pull-out game is mad strong, son!" "I'm trying to have a career.
I gotta stack this money first before I have kids.
Like, I ain't ready.
What am I supposed to tell my mom?" I was like, "That your bitch is a ho.
That is not your baby, ma'am.
You are not the father.
" Livin' this life, I don't know.
I'm, uh I never really thought about gettin' married.
You know, I was all for, like, they got the gay marriage out right now.
I was like, "Okay, cool.
" I was I was with it, fightin' for it, until, uh, it came legal.
I ain't think it was gonna be legal.
Now I'm like, "Oh, shit.
I shouldn't have fought so hard.
" Here's the deal.
I don't know if I wanna get married, 'cause I see all you straight people, y'all look stressed as fuck, you know? Y'all start agin' like presidents when y'all get married.
Like, "How many terms you been in this relationship?" It's fucking crazy, man.
But the real thing is like, when it was That used to be my go-to.
Like, when I used to mess up in my relationships, I used to be like, "Baby, I love you so damn much that, if gay marriage were legalized, I would marry you today.
" Then they legalized that shit.
My girl came home all happy.
She was like, "Yay, we can get married now!" I had to pull out the Bible on her ass.
I was like, "Wait a minute, now.
" My name's Chaunté Wayans, thank y'all so much! We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah - No stoppin' me - They ready, I think they ready - I think they ready, I think they - Yes! I think they, I think they I think they - I'm proud of you.
- Thank you.
- That was amazing.
- I think they I think they ready They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah No stoppin' me They ready, they ready I think they ready I think they ready They all the way ready