TLC (2002) s01e06 Episode Script

[man] This is the South Middlesex
Hospital radio service.
Now a platter from Mr Russ Conway.
Good morning. I'm the phlebotomist.
- Eh?
- I take blood samples for the doctors.
Oh, right. Here comes the vampire.
Did you listen to that
Hancock's Half-Hour
- on the wireless last night?
- No.
"A pint? That's nearly an armful."
Yes.
I think you'll find that things are
a bit more sophisticated than that
in the NHS nowadays.
- Cigarette?
- Thank you.
[We Gotta Get Out of This Place]
Oh.
I can walk.
I can walk
- Hmm?
- [panting]
Oh.
- Come on, we're nearly there!
- You go on alone.
You're better off without me.
I'm holding you back.
Not leaving you. Come on!
Oh!
No!
- [sobs] I'm so hungry.
- You've only missed breakfast.
And supper last night
'cause I got stuck in Casualty.
It's only two meals.
Yeah, and lunch yesterday
'cause I got stuck in theatre
watching Mr Ron botch
Mr Clifford's circumcision.
I heard he made a right
dog's dinner out of that one.
At least a dog got some dinner.
You'll just have to
hang on until lunchtime.
- [wheels squeaking]
- All right, docs?
- What the?
- [woman] Arrest Team to Conrad Ward.
- Duty calls, Flynn.
- I can't! I'm too hungry, too weak.
Come on!
- Where the hell is Conrad Ward?
- Sid, where's Conrad Ward?
Follow me, lads. Let's burn rubber!
[dramatic music playing]
Hold on, I've got a stitch.
It's at the far end of this corridor.
[Flynn] It's the chaplain.
Give us your scooter, Sid.
Are you sure you know
how to drive one of these things?
No, but now's the time to learn.
Hop on, Flynn.
I'll be dashing right behind you.
[Dusty Springfield:
You Don't Have To Say You Love Me]
I'm the phlebotomist.
Oh, here he comes, the vampire.
I've just come to take some blood.
Just a little prick with a needle, eh?
Did you see that Tony Hancock
on the goggle box last night?
- No.
- "A pint, that's nearly an armful."
[beeping]
- [bell rings]
- Oh!
Give him oxygen now!
Where were you? I pronounced him
dead five minutes ago.
He felt no pain, unfortunately.
See you in theatre later.
- [panting]
- [bell rings]
Nice metal skateboard on a stick, Flynn.
[sighs] How inconsiderate is that!
Just dying after all the effort
we made to get here.
That's patients for you, Flynn.
Selfish to the very end.
But all is not lost,
my hungry house surgeon.
Is that a basket of fruit
I see before me?
Oh, no, I couldn't eat, not from
a dead man. I'll wait for lunch.
- [stomach rumbles]
- Maybe just a little starter.
It's an aromatherapy candle.
- Am I too late?
- Yes, reverend.
I could still save him.
These hands can heal
and stitch and cut
- and slit and slash!
- No, you're too late.
Did you crack his chest open
from here to here?
Did you spread his ribs apart?
Did you place your hands around
his heart and pump and pump?
Yes, we did all that.
- He's gone to a better place.
- Intensive Care?
No. The eternal care unit in the sky.
- I I don't understand.
- He's with Jesus now, Father.
- Jesus?
- You know, Father, Son of God?
- Died on the cross.
- Died on the cross?
I could save him too!
- Come on.
- I could. I can do so much more.
[siren blares]
Mmm Mmm
It's good! It's nearly toast.
- Soon be lunch.
- [stomach growls]
Hasn't your stomach got
a volume control or something?
My stomach walls must have ears.
It rumbles when someone says lunch.
- [rumbling]
- See?
Relax, Flynn.
Two hours time when the canteen
reopens for lunch!
- [rumbles]
- [chuckles]
All your problems will be over.
[sighs] Strawberry?
Red chilli? Tomato?
Ah, red chilli.
[groans and spits]
- Mr Hodge?
- [coughs] Yes?
I'm Mr Gray and this is Mr Piper.
We're from the NHS food inspectorate.
We have a statutory order to close
this canteen down immediately.
- [sniffles] Why?
- Infestations of maggots and rats.
- Rats?
- Show him, Mr Piper.
[playing pipe]
[squeaking]
And your point is?
And finally we have Mr Renshaw
with staphylococcal cellulitis.
He's due to start
on his new antibiotics today.
The ward round is finished
and the canteen opens in five minutes.
- Good. Time for lunch.
- [rumbles]
[speaks Spanish]
- Who's this, Sister?
- Juanita Gutierrez.
She's one of the batch of nurses
they've recruited from Spain.
- Really? Welcome to England, Jacinta.
- Thank you.
The NHS is very glad
to have you here to help us.
- Thank you.
- When did you start?
Thank you.
You don't understand
a word I'm saying, do you?
Thank you.
Senor Clifford, Senor Clifford.
Oh, yes, we must see Mr Clifford.
He had the circumcision yesterday.
His wife is not happy with the results.
I've told him, Staff Nurse,
we can't make it any bigger for him.
- Now, to lunch.
- [rumbles]
No, sir, the stitches do look
a bit infected.
And he does have
a very dicky heart, Mr Ron.
- Dicky heart?
- The man's a cardiac time-bomb.
Several heart attacks in the past,
even survived an arrest in Casualty.
Oh, he was the one, was he?
Pair of gloves, Sister.
Thank you. Come along.
Hello, Mr Ron.
Just going to have a look
at your operative area, Mr Clifton.
Now, you students must learn
to show patients
that you are completely comfortable
discussing and examining all areas
of the body, including the genitalia.
And remember,
there is no subject or sight
that is too shocking or repulsive
for a doctor, right?
Thank you, Staff.
Does that look right, doctor?
It shouldn't look like that, should it?
It looks perfectly acceptable, Mr, um
- Clifford.
- Clifford.
I think it's healing very nicely indeed.
Come along.
Quick! Write him up for some antibiotics
before the damn thing drops off.
That sort of infection is usually
the result of poor surgical technique.
- Who did it?
- You, Mr Ron.
And sometimes it's just plain
bad luck. Right. Time for lunch.
[stomach rumbles]
[clears throat] Yes, you will clear away
those students, won't you, Sister?
Thank you so much.
Right, I'm off to lun To the canteen.
Not so fast, Flynn. You've got to give
Mr Renshaw his new IV antibiotics.
- Ampicillin.
- Why can't Judy give them?
In case the patient
has an allergic reaction
the first dose of an IV drug must be
administered by a qualified doctor.
- Qualified doctor?
- Yes, you remember qualifying, Flynn?
- Second attempt
- Right! Fine.
Right, Mr Renshaw. I'm gonna give you
a first dose of new antibiotics.
- Now, are you allergic to ampicillin?
- No.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
- Phone-a-friend, final answer?
- Yes.
Right. Here we go.
- There. All done.
- Is ampicillin the same as penicillin?
- Because I am very allergic to that.
- Oh, shit!
It's OK, doctor, I feel fine.
[gagging]
Oh, he's gone into anaphylactic shock!
Adrenaline 1 in 1,000 IM stat.
Quick! Adrenaline now! Please help!
Oh! Quite tricky things, these vials.
I need to get the right leverage.
How do you open these bloody things?
Right!
Here we go!
What's wrong?
Why isn't he coming around?
If I may, doctor.
[gasping]
- Did I faint?
- Yes.
- It's very hot in here, isn't it?
- Everything's fine, Mr Renshaw.
Judy, how come your injection worked
and mine didn't?
Always examine the patient, Dr Flynn.
You injected his artificial leg.
[I Boney M: Rivers of Babylon]
I'm the phlebotomist.
Here he comes, the vampire. [laughs]
I've just come to take some blood.
Just a little prick with a needle, eh?
"A pint? That's nearly an armful."
- Hola.
- Hola.
That Juanita seems very nice.
- Oh, yes.
- She's from Spain.
Good Catholic girl,
my mother would be pleased.
Why?
Well, we could go to Mass together.
- Nice.
- Have you had a chance to talk to her?
No. Her English is rubbish.
Otherwise the things
I could tell her about you.
- Really?
- Dr Flynn. He's hardworking,
dedicated, caring
- Failed finals.
- What?
Gave a patient a tension pneumothorax,
sectioned under the Mental Health Act,
slept with a granny,
killed a patient with maggots
That's all in the past, Judy.
And nearly killed Mr Renshaw.
- Nearly killed? I saved him!
- No, Dr Flynn, I saved him.
You were too busy
treating his wood worm.
You learn by making mistakes.
You're certainly learning an awful lot.
Yes.
I've learned you probably
don't want to join me for lunch.
- [stomach rumbles]
- What's that noise?
What noise?
A sort of blobble-blobble noise
when you said lunch.
[rumbling]
I've not eaten
since breakfast yesterday.
Oh, poor Dr Flynn.
Still, at least that explains
about the vial of adrenaline.
- What?
- Why you couldn't open it.
You were obviously in some
hunger-induced state of weakness.
Yes. Yes, that's right.
You know, Dr Flynn, I would actually
love to join you in the canteen
You would?
[piano music playing]
[glasses clink]
[sniffles and groaning]
but unfortunately the canteen's
been closed down.
- Closed down?
- Hygiene reasons.
Looks like we'll never ever
have the chance to have lunch.
- [rumbles]
- How am I gonna get some food?
Just get some crisps
from the League of Friends shop.
Yes.
Assuming you've got the strength
to pull open the packet.
All right, doc?
- Where's the League of Friends shop?
- It closed down.
- This hospital ain't got no friends.
- But Judy said
Oh, forget it.
So what's with the wheels?
The management said
they thought I was too slow.
Can you believe that?
- So I bought this.
- Mmm, that's great, Sid.
You haven't got
any food on you, possibly?
You may be in luck, Dr Flynn.
I think I've got a sausage roll
you can have.
Oh, great.
I buy 'em hot.
I keep 'em warm
down the front of me trousers.
Don't worry.
The hairs are full of protein.
Oh, great.
Must dash.
Right, let's go back to the very basics.
Frozen, defrosted.
Raw meat, cooked meat.
Fresh, rotten.
- [sniffs]
- Dead, alive.
[baas]
Now, my dear, although you will be
fully conscious during your operation
you will feel no pain.
I've carried out a regional
anaesthetic block on your left leg.
You will lose sensation
and then muscle power.
I will now test for its effectiveness.
- Feel this? Feel this?
- Ow! Owl!
- Feel this?
- Ow! Just a minute.
- That's not the leg you anaesthetised.
- I know.
Dr Flynn, I heard Nurse Judy
saved your bacon this morning.
Bacon? She's got bacon?
I meant about what happened
to Mr Renshaw.
- Oh.
- Flynn?
Oh, he just had a funny turn.
You're not talking to a bloody relative.
What really happened?
I, um, gave him some ampicillin.
He was allergic to it
and went into anaphylactic shock.
- Oh, my God!
- Quiet!
So you just gave Mr Renshaw a shot
of adrenaline to bring him back to life?
Sort of. I missed.
You injected his false leg, didn't you?
How did you guess?
There are no new mistakes
in medicine, Flynn.
Just the same old cock-ups
again and again,
medical Groundhog Day
without the happy ending.
- Excuse me
- Quiet! This does not concern you!
- [gas hissing]
- Now tell us the best bit, Flynn,
about the vial of adrenaline.
What about the vial, Flynn?
I couldn't [trails off]
- Hmm?
- Couldn't what?
I couldn't
I couldn't get the top off!
Staff Nurse Judy had to do it.
That's it. You've all had a good laugh,
have you?
I'm so fed up with this place!
I'm so fed up with this job!
Stuff the lot of you! I'm off!
Me too! Oh!
Hmm, nice regional block.
They're, uh, full of protein,
apparently.
- Manage to get lunch?
- [rumbles]
Come on, Flynn, it's not
that bad a life being a doctor.
I don't want it to be my life.
Think of the feeling you get sometimes,
the adrenaline rush.
Adrenaline is not the best subject
to bring up this present time.
Ah, yes.
Look, we got you this.
From all of us in theatre,
to say sorry about earlier.
- Pizza?
- Yeah. They just started up.
- And they deliver to the hospital.
- I'll ring them now.
- They don't open until 7.00.
- That's four hours!
- The other present.
- Coffee?
- Nope. No, better.
- Chocolates!
Adrenaline?
We thought you could practice
opening the vials, for the next time.
It's the best present I've ever had.
[metal clattering]
Here he comes, the vampire!
I've just come to take some blood!
Just a little prick with a needle, eh?
"A pint? That's nearly an armful."
There are two ways to open these babies.
The girlie way. Wrap the vial
in your white coat, snap the lid off.
If the end shatters
you don't get glass splinters.
That happens?
But the manly way is like this.
- [click]
- That's just how Judy did it.
Your go.
[snickering]
Excuse us. The boy's gotta learn.
Maybe it's time I let you in
on a little secret.
[imitates Alec Guinness] Use the spot.
"Use the spot"?
Usually there's a spot
on the neck of the vial. See?
That marks the weak point. If you
lever over that, snaps off nicely.
- [click]
- Oh, yes, yes, yes!
This could be a new start
for you, Flynn. A relaunch.
- [stomach rumbles]
- He said launch, not lunch.
- [rumbles]
- Come with me, Flynn.
Gotta get that stomach some food.
Oh, sorry, Flynn. Looks empty.
Oh, hang on, there at the back.
A Marathon bar.
Oh, chocolate, caramel, peanuts.
It's a complete meal in one little bar!
Thirty pence.
It's out of order!
Dr Flynn, I'm so sorry for your loss.
No!
- Right. Stand back.
- [defibrillator humming]
- [electricity crackles]
- [rattling]
- That usually works.
- [groans]
Right, let's look in the fridge.
[shouts]
Now that is for my own personal use.
Good. [puffing]
Laparoscopic keyhole surgery, Flynn.
The greatest technological advance
in surgery for 30 years.
- Won't reach.
- [groans]
Right. That calls for the colonoscope.
Flynn, turn the machine around.
We're going up the back side.
Where's that lubricant?
- What you doing, docs?
- Trying to get that chocolate bar.
What, you still hungry, even after
that sausage roll I gave you?
- Just a bit peckish, Sid.
- Hang on.
I might have some more food
down here.
- No. I'll try around the back.
- [both] No!
- Can you get this thing working, Sid?
- Stand back, gentlemen.
See why they call me
"The Machine Whisperer".
[whispering, indistinct]
Result, Sid!
I've always had an affinity
with mechanical things.
That's why I loved
my little scooter so much.
Where is it, Sid?
Sold it to a patient.
He was going home today.
He waited four hours for an ambulance.
Seemed the decent thing to do.
Sometimes when you love something
you just have to let it go.
Yeah. Plus the fact the back wheel
was working loose.
Thing's a bleedin' death trap.
I can walk, I can ride. [chuckles]
- [rings bell]
- [crash]
- [car alarm blaring]
- [dog barking]
[Wheelchair Man groans]
Laters, dudes.
Oh, come on, Flynn.
Time to enjoy your Marathon.
Do they still do Marathon bars?
No. They changed the name to Snickers.
- How long ago?
- 1991.
And not only that, you've put
raw meat next to cooked.
- Diarrhoea.
- Good.
- Bowel obstruction.
- Very good!
- Manuel disimpaction.
- Nearly.
Dr Flynn?
Ah, Judy, Juanita asked if I could
teach her some English medical terms.
Bloody stools.
- The phlebotomist wants you.
- Oh. Un momentito.
- Hello.
- Any blood you need taking?
Uh, yes, on Mr Renshaw.
Oh, but just the armful.
- Is he a bit [whistles cuckoo call]
- He's completely burnt out.
His last ever day today.
Been medically retired before
he turns into another chaplain.
- [Juanita] Dr Flynn?
- Better get back to Juanita.
- Did you manage to get any lunch?
- [rumbles]
Obviously not. Why don't I ask Terry
to bring you a nice shack?
Oh, great. That's really nice
of you, Judy.
Well, I don't like to think
of your manly appetite
not being satiated.
[Juanita] Anal warts.
I'm just teaching her
some of the common words
- she might hear from a doctor.
- Premature ejaculation.
Mr Renshaw.
Here he comes, the vampire.
I've just come to take some blood!
Just a little prick with a needle, eh?
"A pint? That's nearly an armful."
- [chuckles]
- [mocks chuckle]
[cackling]
You have no idea
of the basic rules of food hygiene.
Forget it! I resign.
I've been offered a job with one
of the most prestigious centres
of epicurean gastronomy in the area.
I declined, because I thought
my work here was appreciated.
I was wrong. I quit!
Forgot this.
So how are the lessons going
with Juanita?
Oh, very good. She can now say
pancreato-duodeno-cholecystectomy.
Great!
And I bet you didn't know I had
a GCSE in Spanish.
You didn't fail it?
Um, it's really nice of you, Judy,
asking Terry to bring me a snack.
You know I worry about you, Dr Flynn.
I'm just not very good at
What I'm trying to say is
Oh, it's no good. I haven't got
your language skills, Dr Flynn.
Speak from your heart, Judy,
via the lungs and vocal chords.
Just because I treat you one way
doesn't mean I don't feel another.
Things aren't always
what they seem on the surface.
- There are things much deeper.
- Like some abscesses.
Small heads, when you drain them
they're full of pus.
Dr Flynn!
What I'm trying to tell you
is that I don't think you should spend
so much time with Juanita
because I really
- I really
- [Juanita screams]
- What's that?
- Judy, you were saying?
- You were saying?
- Flynn, come quickly.
- But she was saying, she was saying
- It's Mr Renshaw.
That phlebotomist, I don't know
what he was thinking of. He's cracked.
[gasps]
Oh. The, uh, acupuncture helping at all,
Mr Renshaw?
Hello, is that the Gleaning Tower
of Pizza?
Could I order a delivery?
Uh, two garlic breads with cheese
and the abattoir meat feast,
with extra pepperoni.
What did you bleep me for, Sister?
I'm on my way home.
It's Mr Clifford's dinkle. It's looking
even worse than this morning.
Mrs Clifford would like
to talk to you about it.
What's it got to do with her?
They're married.
She won't be touching it.
If you'd prefer her to make
a formal written complaint.
I better have a look
at Mr Clifford's thing first.
Nothing to worry about, Mr Clements.
Ay, mio Dios.
Healing nicely.
Nurse Jacinta here is gonna put
a new dressing on for you.
It's looking really good.
Right. We'll talk to his wife,
then I'm gonna call my lawyer.
Nineteen pounds and 20 pence.
Deliver that to Dr Flynn
on Hannaford Ward.
Yes. Arrivederci.
And you did ask for the garlic bread
with cheese?
- Yes.
- Juanita wants you, Dr Flynn.
Oh, no, she doesn't.
She's got a boyfriend in Spain.
Pedro. He's a pilot.
So, Judy, I'm available.
You can talk to Juanita
about Mr Clifford.
No. Us. You know, earlier.
You were saying.
Was I? I can't remember.
- Dr Flynn!
- Hola?
[speaks Spanish]
- Flynn?
- Uh, Mr Clifford,
his organ, his large pumping organ
His large pumping organ of his chest
- Heart?
- Sit
[speaks Spanish]
His large organ His heart
has been taken away.
Taken into custody by the police?
- Arrested?
- Sit
Ah. So Mr Clifford's heart has arrested.
Si.
- [both] Shit!
- I told you he was a cardiac time-bomb.
Crash call Gasman.
Get the arrest trolley.
- Where is it?
- Judy?
TV room?
Now, let's play The Weakest Link.
- Twenty pounds
- Sorry. Got to borrow this trolley.
- [groaning]
- We were watching this.
- [pumping]
- Where's the defibrillator? I need it!
- Here we are.
- The defibrillator?
No, Pop-Tart for Dr Flynn.
Where's the shocking machine
with the panels?! Is this it?
Get me the thoracotomy saw
and make it razor sharp!
What is this madness?
- [curtain rattles]
- Good, now it comes.
- Pizza for Dr Flynn.
- What?!
- [Gasman] At last.
- Right. What we got?
Uh, two garlic bread with cheeses,
one abattoir meat feast
with extra pepperoni.
- Looks like runs of SVT.
- OK, keep the compressions going.
- May I?
- No, reverend, maybe later.
You take over, Flynn. Charge.
Uh, 19 pounds, 20 pence.
Flynn! Pay the man!
Can someone get the money
from my pocket? Judy?
I'll do it. Dr Flynn!
Oh, that's a sausage roll.
Terry! Other pocket.
- Here. Keep the change.
- Thanks.
Here's some leaflets. Ciao.
- Let's see the trace.
- You're losing him.
Right, this is it.
Flynn, he needs adrenaline now.
Now, Flynn! [echoing]
[Noble, echoing] Use the spot.
[snaps, echoing]
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Actually, no, Flynn, don't bother.
He's gone.
- [flatline beep]
- [gasps]
But I opened the vial.
Time of death: 7.05pm.
Cause of death:
acute myocardial infarction.
Perhaps you'd like
to say something, reverend.
Of course. Lord, we thank you
for this pizza
we're about to receive. Amen.
So, you see, your husband's
post-operative infection
was just one of those things,
Mrs Cliff ace.
Nothing to do with poor
surgical technique at all.
And we do know how you worry
about his weak heart, Mrs Clifford.
But, rest assured, your husband
will only ever enjoy
the highest standards of clinical care
whilst he's on my ward.
Fliiiiint!