Undateable (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

Babe? Are you ever coming to bed? Baby, I got to stretch, okay? What we're gonna attempt to do is a high level of difficulty.
Are we doing that thing? No, no, no.
We're doing the other thing.
Just talking to Nicki.
She said to say hi.
Oh, yeah.
I was just thinking about Nicki.
Come on.
Let's go to bed.
You know, moving back home has been tough on her.
Oh, oh god.
I am so sorry.
Yeah, man.
That really sucks.
You know what, baby? We should go dedicate our lovemaking session to Nicki.
She'd want it that way.
Come on.
You know, it's just, when we talk on the phone, she gets real sad.
All I can do is tell her I love her.
Mm.
I am gonna put my sweatpants on, and then the three of us can hang out.
Oh, my God.
Yeah! Let's hang out, the three of us.
It'll be so awesome.
Go put those sweatpants on.
I can't wait for you to put those on.
Come on, man! You're killing me.
And now she's gonna put on sweatpants? Dude, do you know what sweatpants are like to women? That's like vaginal Ambien.
Puts it right to sleep.
Me-me-me-me-me.
Me-me-me-me-me.
Why does her vagina snore like one of the Three Stooges? All right.
Look, man.
I know you're a sensitive guy, but when your high level of estrogen combines with her level of estrogen, that creates a barrier that no man can get through Not even Vin Diesel.
"Hey, you know what? "Uh, I can't through this high level of estrogen.
It's such a big barrier.
" First off, that's Rocky.
Second off When it comes to matters of the heart, I'm all about emotions, okay? I love hard.
I yearn hard.
I feel hard.
Well, then, I got a question for you.
Don't say it.
Do you feel hard right now? Ah, that's great.
- Never mess with a sensitive guy.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay? 'Cause we'll hit you where it hurts.
So, are you gonna hang out, Justin? Oh, that sounds so much fun, but, uh, actually, I'm gonna let you two kids get some private time, okay? Enjoy your night.
You know what's silly that I was just thinking about? I was just thinking about the fact that you two, uh, have been dating exactly as long as Nicki and I were when I told her that I loved her for the first time.
Isn't that funny? I love your sweatpants.
Ah.
Fantastic.
Me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me.
All right, now.
Here we go.
Come on.
Okay.
We are going.
"Undateable" it's exactly like "Toy Story.
" Except it's not animated and there are no toys.
You know what? Can I actually talk to you after this? You know Steve, the gay electrician? We're watching Brett eye-bang him.
All right.
Where's your fuse box? It's by the back door.
Hey, man, you should have taken a run at Steve, you know? I mean, he's right in your wheelhouse, right? He's a guy.
He's gay.
I feel like that checks all the boxes.
I'm not going to ask Steve out, Danny.
Brett only came out three months ago.
Point is, he's not ready to ask anybody out yet.
Come on, come on.
It's not like I'm a virgin, okay? It's just with guys.
I've had a lot of sex with a lot of ladies.
That's not fair.
It's like a vegetarian eating my steak.
When you slept with that girl I was dating in college, if you were living a lie, why would you even bother? Because she had a flattop and a really low voice.
So when the lights were low, I could make it work.
Who were you dating a Navy S.
E.
A.
L.
? No.
I was a freshman, Danny.
I just needed a girl to tell me what to do.
"Hey, Justin.
Give me your hand.
"Put it right there.
Now make small circles and shut up!" Nicki, I miss you, too, okay? But these phone calls just make you sad.
Look, I have a crazy idea.
I just need to know are you are you alone? Okay.
Good.
All right.
Okay.
Good.
Well, then, uh, what are you wearing right now? Just a t-shirt.
Okay.
Interesting.
'Cause in that scenario I am going to be an erotic masseur.
Would you rather be a a tennis star who needs a post-match rubdown or Oh.
Got to go.
Uh, look, we got to help our friend Brett, but before that, is this a "choose your own adventure" phone-sex script? All right, baby bird, uh, on the list of things that you are very, very, very, very, very bad at, we have to put "phone sex" right below "not looking like Matthew broderick.
" So, what I thought is, we could invite Steve back here to fix something else and make Brett ask him out.
No, no.
That's a horrible idea.
Also, have you seen Steve? I mean, he's the kind of guy at the gym who just doesn't wear a towel in the steam room like puts his hands on his hip, and just lets his business swing back and forth like, "hey, try not to get hypnotized," you know? Where do you work out? That's not the point.
The point is, if he gets turned down, he's gonna crawl back into his shell for God knows how long.
- I hear you.
- Well What? Hey.
Brett.
Justin and I think that you should ask Steve out, so I called him and told him to come here.
- He's coming tonight.
- What have you done? I cannot ask Steve out because Steve is an electrician and I am a bartender, and those are very manly jobs, so who's gonna wear the pants in that relationship? Hopefully nobody.
Why do you always think you get to decide what's right for all of my friends? Is it just arrogance? Uh, well, that depends.
Is it arrogance if you just happen to know everything about everything? Well, you don't need to worry about me, 'cause I make my own decisions, so - Oh, please.
You're so far up Danny's butt, sometimes all I can see are your high-tops sticking out.
Cool, though.
Danny picked them out.
- Right? Yep.
Okay.
- Shoe off the table.
And, Shell, I don't blame you for falling under his spell, okay? You're the most easily influenced person I know.
- No, I'm not.
- I think you are.
You might be right.
Look, this is a sensitive time for Brett.
- We've been best friends since we were 18.
- You know what? I think I know him pretty well, too.
Oh, really? What's his last name? Favre.
You think his name is Brett Favre? Okay.
Well, that's the football player.
I realized when I said it.
I don't follow football.
Anyway, look.
Brett just needs a push.
He hates to be pushed.
He fired his trainer for making him exercise.
Oh, I get that.
My motto is "no pain Let's get high and eat pizza.
" Look, if anybody knows what's best for Brett, it's me.
Um, actually, I think Danny's right.
I think it's time I asked someone out.
Steve will be mine.
Yeah.
When it comes to life advice, you come to Danny Burton.
Not Justin, uh Justin You don't know my last name? I don't know.
I-I saw it on a bill earlier today.
Hold on.
I want to say Justin Department of Water and Power? I don't know.
What's up? Um Not exactly sure how to start this convo.
Uh "Danny said you need help with phone sex"? Of course he did.
'Cause Danny knows what's best for everybody.
Okay.
Sorry.
We'll leave.
Mm.
Stop.
Wait.
I don't know what to say.
It's not about what you say.
It's about how you say it.
Talking about anything can be sexy even groceries.
Oh, Justin.
Do you know Where I could find some canned beans? Maybe near the rice.
Look, it's all about giving the other person what they're asking for.
- Like, do your thing again.
- Okay.
Can I have some of your Canned beans? Ohh.
You want some Canned beans? Oh, yeah.
Give me some of your canned beans.
Give 'em to her, Sabrina.
Okay.
I'm gonna give 'em to her.
Come on.
Get in the game, Justin.
Do you want to Do you want to pay for these groceries? Yeah, yeah.
You know I do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I want to pay for these groceries.
Yeah.
And then I want to get a bunch of guys and put it all in your trunk.
- Ew! Not that! - Come on! No, that's me.
"Trunk" is "butt.
" I figured it out.
I don't know why I invited a bunch of guys.
That's my fault.
I apologize.
All right, man.
Huh? You look great.
You're gonna crush it.
- Go fix your hair.
- Okay.
Will do.
I'll practice my sexy walk.
I'm, uh I'm actually pretty proud of him, and not to my surprise, I'm also proud of myself.
In a couple of days, everything will be back to the way it was, and I'm still Brett's favorite friend.
Oh, my God.
That line is from my favorite movie, "Toy Story.
" I mean, in the movie, it's, "I'm still Andy's favorite toy," but other than that, it's word for word.
Whoa, dude.
Hey.
Are we in "Toy Story"? What the hell are you talking about? Oh, man.
Don't you see it? You are Woody, the nerdy, really badly dressed toy that nobody wants to listen to anymore, and me, I'm like Buzz Lightyear, and I'm super-handsome and charismatic, and I've obviously had a lot of sex, and I fix everybody's life.
I want to be the slinky dog.
Well, you also know, in "Toy Story," Buzz Lightyear was a fast-talking fraud who couldn't even fly.
"You're a very sad, strange little man.
" That's in the movie, also.
Whatever.
You're just mad because Brett chose me.
I don't care about that.
Hey, Danny, Danny.
How's my hair? Hey, man.
All right.
Get ready, 'cause Steve's gonna be here any second.
All right? Any second? That's that's so soon.
That could be like now.
Or now.
Or now.
- Or now.
Or now.
Or now.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
Look, you just need practice trying to pick up a dude that's really handsome and out of your league, so, uh Okay.
I'll volunteer.
No offense.
But if he's gonna practice on anyone, in the words of 'N Sync It's gonna be me Brett, gun to your head, who would you rather have sex with Woody or Buzz? Well, I'm the obvious choice.
I got good hair, I got tight sweaters, plus everybody wants to have sex with a Jeff Goldblum.
Yeah.
That's an aggressive "no" on Burski.
And Shelly's out because of the Vietnam nightmares.
I only went there on vacation, but I hated it.
Look, Brett, it's I'm the obvious choice, all right? It's obviously me.
I mean, look into my eyes.
Get lost in them.
Uh, all right.
Whatever, weirdo.
Huh? These hips, bro, will take you to infinity and beyond.
- Hey.
No, no, no, no.
- That's good.
That's good.
Don't point.
Don't point.
Hey, hey.
Hey.
Listen to me.
Sure.
Okay.
Danny might give you a crazy, wild, sexy one-night stand.
Why am I saying that? But, listen.
The point is, the next morning, he'll be gone.
Not me.
I'll always be there.
And guess what.
I call big spoon.
Listen, Brett.
I'd Make love to you.
We wouldn't even have to have sex.
How gay do you think I am? Just say you'd pick me.
Okay.
It doesn't matter, all right? So just pick one of us.
Pick, pick.
Pick one of us.
Pick.
Pick me.
Pick one.
Pick one of us.
Just pick one.
You think you Okay.
Okay, okay, okay! Gun to my head I'd pick Danny.
Ha ha.
Hmm.
Okay.
Well, that's cool.
I had a great time.
Great job, Danny.
Yes.
Great.
Ooh.
Okay.
Way to go, Bursk.
Love the sweater.
There it is.
That's my friend.
Never go to Vietnam.
Love it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Good game.
No.
You had your chance, okay? You don't get any of this.
Ooh! I changed my mind I want to be one of the aliens.
"Ooh! The claw! The claw!" I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Look how tight his shirt is.
You can see his abs.
- You can see his abs.
- Okay, okay.
Relax.
All right.
Just relax.
Okay.
What you got to do is, you just got to close your eyes and visualize yourself in your happy place.
Watch me do it.
All right.
Now I'm just kind of now I'm just like kind of nude, I'm in my bed, I'm just hanging out, and there's a mirror on the ceiling.
And am I in there with you? I mean, well, yeah, whatever.
If you want to be.
I Oh, yeah.
You're right.
I do feel better.
Great.
All right.
Where are you? McDonald's.
What? No way! I'm here, too! Hi, Brett! Hey, Shelly! What are you doing here, man? Oh, don't let them try to tell you there's an age limit in the ball pit.
There isn't.
Game over.
Look.
Let's just, uh, man up and ask this guy out.
- Okay? - Okay.
Thanks, man.
Whew.
Hey! Look, Steve, um What what I wanted to say, mate, was, um How would you how would you feel about Possibly going on a date sometime With with me? I'm flattered, man.
But I'm just not interested in you in that way.
Okay.
Brett, wait.
Damn it, man.
I almost feel like that was partly my fault.
Well, I just paid a man and, uh, break one of my friend's hearts.
Hope you're happy.
You know what, man? I feel bad that Brett got shot down, but being rejected only makes you stronger.
You know I got rejected by 12 colleges before I decided not to go to college? Okay.
Now he's never gonna ask another guy out.
Aw, sure, he is.
Because now he knows what it feels like to get rejected.
You know how much my life changed when I realized that the worst thing a girl could say to me is no? Actually, the worst thing is, "I just want to be friends.
" Bitch, I got friends! Let me put it in terms that you'll understand.
I'll use your favorite movie, "Toy Story.
" I know you think that Buzz was this hero, but Buzz basically just swooped in and tried to ruin what was already a perfect family of friends.
But luckily, Woody was there for Andy and was able to teach Buzz that there's more to life than just sleeping with other toys.
I don't remember that part.
You know what's really messed up? I feel like there's some sick part of you that's actually happy that Brett got shot down, because that means that I was wrong.
- That's ridiculous.
- Oh, is it? Because I swear the moment that Brett got shot down, I saw out of the corner of my eye for a split second, your face light up.
Like, if it could be played back in slow motion, it would look like this.
Justin! How could you?! I didn't smile! Can't argue with that replay, bro.
Well, we looked everywhere.
On the positive side, I got four numbers at the last gay bar we checked.
I got six.
It's not a competition, but I won.
You also won the contest of who can ruin Brett's life the most, too, so Hey, there it is you being happy that I hurt Brett.
- No, I'm not.
- Hey! Freeze! There it is right there.
Right there on your face, there's a smile.
Yeah.
Guilty.
Huh? Okay, fine! I'm happy 'cause now people will know that you're not some God with all the answers, and if Brett had to get a little stung on the way, then I can deal with it.
Well, uh I think I know where Brett is.
Where? He's on our kitchen floor, eating a bag of potato chips.
You're actually glad that I got hurt? How you doing? Well I'm still feeling a bit angry, but don't worry.
I feel kind of bad about how the whole thing with Steve went down, so I took it upon myself to set you up with another guy.
I'm still feeling a bit upset and sensitive about the whole Steve thing.
So, is he hot? Hey, buddy.
Uh, it's me.
I'm I'm the guy.
He's not hot.
Whatever.
I'm sorry.
You came in too soon.
But you know what? He's also way too sensitive for you, and I think a little bit too feminine, but he's got those really thin hips that you like, and he's as loyal as a golden retriever.
Okay, there.
I'm done.
So, is this a joke? No, man.
It's not a joke.
Look, I just thought maybe we could, uh, hit the town, you know, like we used to do put on some blazers, go to those raves and get nuts till like 5:00 A.
M Go back to your house and watch "Notting Hill," talk about How did you not know he was gay? I'm sorry.
I never, ever wanted to root against my best friend.
I know it's lame, but I mean, there was time when you used to need me, you know? All of you did.
And then Danny came around, and you guys didn't need me as much, and It just it got to me.
Do you seriously think I didn't need you? You've had my back since we were kids, man.
Of course I needed you.
We all do.
He's right.
You're awesome, bro.
Yeah.
You welcomed me into your group, no questions asked.
And you should have asked 'Cause I'm a mess.
You were my first white friend.
You taught me how to recycle.
Danny, you want to say anything? Hey, man, that's never gonna happen.
That is seriously too bad, because whenever you show your sensitive side, I find it insanely hot.
Okay.
You you didn't let me finish.
Arr! So, um, I wouldn't get too twisted about who the leader of this group is.
No group has only one leader.
He's right, man.
I mean, we're all leaders, you know? No, Bursk.
There's just the two leaders.
Me and Justin.
Buzz and Woody, huh? And you know what my favorite part about "Toy Story" is? Yeah, Buzz Lightyear is way more handsome than Woody, but deep down, he knows that every day he spends with Woody makes him a better friend.
Uh, thanks, man.
You want a beer? I wouldn't miss it.
Oh, God.
I am so turned on right now.
Hey, man, I got to go.
Oh, Nicki, Nicki, Nicki, Nicki, Nicki, Nicki, Nicki.
Ah, I hope that was good for you.
I hope you liked that.
Hope you liked the part about the canned beans.
Just kind of came to me.
Anyway, I'm going to go to bed.
And dream about you aaall night long.
Anyway call me back when you get this message.