Undeclared s01e06 Episode Script

have a happy, happy happy, happy hanukkah happy hanukkah I didn't know all those people were jewish.
Can we be serious? Adam sandler is performing on campus in front of us in, like, 28 minutes.
It's Hee hee! I wonder if he's nice, though, 'cause I went up to richard dreyfuss in a carpet store, and I was, like, "are you richard dreyfuss?" And he was, like, "no," and it so was.
Oh, yeah.
What about bob? Is so awesome.
Charles barkley gave me the finger at a basketball game once.
Heh heh heh! Eric and I love sandler.
I have got to call him.
He is gonna be so psyched for me.
Hello? Help me! Hal! Hey! Hello! How the hell are you? How's it going, students? Are we ready for a little sandler action? Huh? Absolutely.
Wait, you're coming? Yeah, lloyd invited me.
What? He called.
We got talking.
It turns out your dad's a big sandman fan.
I'm the biggest.
Oh, since when? Since I got divorced and had time to watch cable all night.
Hey hey! It's gonna be so great, man! All the guys together again! Yes! All right.
Lloyd won't stop talking to my dad.
So? Your dad's cool.
Everyone's dad is cool but your own.
Ok, like, my dad, right, he's a big, fat moron, you guys would love him.
It's embarrassing when you're his kid, you know? Waaah! Are you kidding? No, I'm serious.
Do you remember what we did on our first date, baby? Yeah We rented happy gilmore, huh, didn't we? Yes.
You're my happy gilmore, huh, baby? You're my happy gilmore.
I'm your big daddy.
You'reEric.
I got a snake, man.
That was so good! It was slithering this way and that oh, my god, that was awesome! Oh! So, guys, did the unec concert committee put on an acceptable program this evening? Awesome.
It was so good.
Did you get to meet him? Uh, yes.
Oh, my god, is he cool? He was to me.
No, but seriously, you can find out for yourself when he shows up on our floor tonight.
I invited him.
He accepted.
No, no, wait.
Perry, if you are lying to me now, I will I'll shake you prison-style, ok? Oh, ron, I'm trembling.
Oh, wait, no, I'm not, because he's coming.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! This is gonna be so great.
Now we're gonna have some real fun, huh? Yep, we are.
Just ok, just don't bother him.
Don't bug him when he comes, 'cause if you bug him, he gets uncomfortable.
And if he gets uncomfortable, then he leaves, and we don't want him to leave.
We want him to think that, "this is the kind of place where I can hang out, and these are the kind of people I can be friends with.
" Right, right.
You know, so don't do things that friends wouldn't do.
Don't quote him from his movies.
We don't want to do that.
Right.
It's like sketching a picasso painting and giving it to picasso.
It would be like, "hey!" Don't do that stuff.
What's the big deal? I mean, he's just a person.
You'd think the queen was coming.
The queen is just an old lady.
Sandler is like a god, ok? You know, whatever, whatever! I have to go study.
This is stupid.
Studying over sandlerizing.
What are you You know, she's nuts.
Oh, my god.
I have a test tomorrow worth 80% of my mark.
I don't care, you know.
Sandler's coming.
Sandler's coming! I'm really tired.
Can't we just go back to the hotel? I think we should go.
Perry set it up, you know.
We should be around normal people.
This is gonna be healthy.
Well, I'm starving.
Do you think there'll be any food there? I don't know.
Maybe you can order a pizza or something if there isn't.
I don't have a number.
What am I, the pizza guy? I know every number everywhere we go? Sorry.
All right, are you gonna cry right now? Heh heh! Jeez.
No, I'm just hungry, all right? Why didn't you eat backstage? They had that huge deli tray.
Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know.
I think you even sat in it a few times.
If you would've just told me, then I wouldn't be hungry right now.
What's the matter with you? It's time for my 4:00 feeding.
Then maybe you can burp me afterwards.
Hee hee hee! Ok, fine.
I'll order a pizza, ok? Just like I always do.
You've got a tough job, you know that? Hee hee hee! Ha ha! Oh, he didn't like that one.
I'm kind of nervous.
The elevator doors are opening.
Hey, what's up? Oh, waiting awkwardly, I see.
I'm just hanging out with my friends alan and adam sandler.
How are you guys? Hi.
Thank you.
All right.
Are we gonna hang out in the hallway? OrIs that what we're doing? No, of course not.
C-come in.
Welcome to the fourth floor.
Hey, I'll give you 5 bucks for a slice of your pizza.
It's my last one.
You got anything else? We might have half of a hot pocket left.
You want that? Nah, nah.
Hey, you know the number to the pizza place? Yeah.
Do you have any food? You're not gonna kill me, are you? No.
Why would you say that? Hey, I just want you to know that I I really get you.
Oh, yeah? Thanks.
I get you.
That's cool.
I get you.
So, what do you guys do for fun? Do you go to class? I know that.
Ha ha! They hardly ever go to class.
They mostly sit around and party.
Oh, yeah? What are you, a senior? Oh, no.
No, it's, uh, my dad.
Really? And you guys went to the show together? I sure did.
That's a cool dad, to bring you to a concert with cursing and all that.
Adam sandler, I just I just want I just want you to know Uh, that, um, I'm a really big fan.
Thank you.
Yeah, especially billy madison.
Oh, yeah? That was, like, that was, like, punk rock.
Ha ha! I guess so.
But like, everything after that, though, I I just didn't like.
You know what I mean? Heh heh heh.
Heh.
What's your name? It's marshall.
Hey, uh, you should ask marshall to leave.
That guy should go.
I can totally hear you guys from over here.
Marshall Go.
I I can Get the hell out of here, man.
Get out of here! Marshall! Nice meeting you.
Get out of here.
Go, go, go, go, please.
Stupid.
I'm sorry about that.
That's all right.
Do you live in this dorm? Uh, no.
I'm adam sandler's assistant.
He's out in the hall, you know.
Heh heh.
This is awesome.
Thanks.
Hey, is david spade, is he like that? Is he like that? Is he like what? You know, is he like that? He's yeah, I think he's a good guy.
Oh, thought so.
Ok.
Is it cool that you could play maybe the hanukkah song? Get out of here! Get out of here! I thought you left.
That's all right.
That's all right.
Nah, I don't want to play the hanukkah song.
Didn't I just play it, like, a half-hour ago? It would be weird to do it again.
I I don't know him.
I got an idea.
I got a song that I wrote.
Really? I just wrote it, and nobody's heard it, and That's funny.
That's really funny.
Would you like to hear it? I'd love to.
All right, hal! Steven, he wants to hear it.
I am honored.
It's about steven's mom That's nice.
My ex-wife.
- Oh, no.
- Sorry.
Ok, here we go.
You thought you were so cool treatin' me like a fool but I'm more than a tool baby, I'm a man I'm the guy who I have to run his whole schedule, have to take care of his dog.
He got a dog.
He doesn't even know how to take care of a dog.
I gotta do that.
At home, I set everything up for him his vcr, his tvs, everything.
I gotta do it.
He doesn't know how to get the video on.
He can't do anything.
He can't do anything.
It's insane.
Basically, anything simple, I do.
So, it's weird, you know.
'Cause I act in his movies, and then I gotta pick up his dog's Poop.
Ha ha ha! Heh heh heh! I don't know, though.
I just think I gotta do something else.
I think I gotta move on, you know? I'm sure you'll find something.
I mean, it's great that you haven't been sucked into this whole hollywood fantasy myth.
And you should quit.
Life's too short.
Carpe diem.
Thanks.
Sandler would never say anything like that.
He would've asked me if I was gonna cry or something.
Hee hee! Heh heh! I'll bet if you could run his life, you could pretty much do anything.
Yeah, I could.
Thanks.
You're really smart.
Heh heh And hot.
You're perfect.
Really? Yeah.
Dumpin' me's a crime you're runnin' out of time you're way past your prime you'll never find a man you're gonna hit a snag and it's gonna be a drag some things already sag uh uh uh aah uh uh uh aah no, you'll never find a man aah! Ha ha ha! What do you think? I was thinking about going now.
So, uh, do you want to come with me? Sure! Ok.
See you guys.
See you later! Come again.
Nice meeting you.
Thanks for everything, perry.
That was terrible! Steven, what the hell was that? Adam sandler was here for, like, 10 minutes.
I know! Stop yelling at me.
This is not my fault.
Yeah? Yes.
It was my dad, ok? Like, seriously, how would you feel if your dad came in here and started playing a song about your mom's sagging? What the hell was that? Why did he do that? Come on, guys.
It was a funny song.
You know, I thought it was hysterical.
You know what? You really shouldn't be talking right now.
Yeah, marshall.
"Oh, look at me.
I have a guitar.
I'm embarrassing everybody.
" I told you.
What did I say? I said, you go to them, you're a fan.
You let them come to you, you're a friend.
And then you insult his movies, which are funny.
You're just an idiot! No, he came to me, ron.
You're just an idiot.
For the love of pete You're a freakin' idiot! Hey, you know what? Just because adam sandler is having sexual intercourse with lizzie doesn't give you the right to take it all out on me, all right? First of all, adam sandler is not having sex with lizzie.
Yeah, he is.
Of course he is.
Oh, please.
Steven, ok, he's adam sandler.
Why would you become adam sandler? So you could not have sex with lizzie? What do you think they're doing, playing, uh, playing spoons over there? Please, be quiet.
Everything ok there, ron? Oh, marshall, you know what? I'm sorry.
I apologize.
It's not your fault.
It's his fault! Lloyd, it's your fault.
What? Come on.
I thought it was great.
You know, your dad's going through a hard time.
He was having fun.
He was expressing himself.
It was cathartic.
You're cathartic, you idiot.
You know what, steven? You should really learn to appreciate your father.
At least you have your parents.
My parents are in another continent.
Please, stop inviting my dad over.
Well, maybe I'll stop inviting you to hang out with me and hal.
How does that sound, little baby? Wow.
How will I ever live? Good night, everybody.
Good night, hal.
Your song was great.
See you, hal.
Drive safely.
Take care.
Thanks for coming.
Hey.
Where were you? Oh, uh, with adamSandler at his hotel.
What happened? Nothing! Uh, we, uh, we watched a movie.
Uh, erin brokovich.
Uh, it was very good.
Uh, it's based on a true story.
It'sGood.
What what happened here? Nothing.
Uh, we just talked, and then he fell asleep, and I couldn't wake him up.
Oh.
Where where's adam? Oh, early flight.
Hello.
Hey, is loughran there? Yeah, hold on.
Ok.
Hey.
Hello.
Hey, sorry, man.
You missed the plane.
We're in portland already.
Oh, yeah? Well, you have a great time up there.
Ok, we will.
Are you coming? Hey, sandman, you're not the only special person in my life, ok? I know.
Yeah, I got another special person a very special person and her name is rachel.
Rachel? Which one's rachel? She's the one with the bigger boobs.
Oh, ok.
What are you gonna do? You gonna stay up there and be special? Yes, I'm in love with her.
What, are you gonna relive billy madison? No, real funny.
Real funny, ok? Ok.
Mr.
Jokeman.
Yeah, ok.
Yeah.
Hey, I'll get you a t-shirt at the trailblazers game, all right? Ok.
Yeah, that's good.
All right.
Size "extra goofy.
" Yeah.
Aah! He drives me nuts! What'sThe story? Uh, I don't know.
Where would one get a student I.
D.
Card? We don't have to get up for a while, do we? Aw, yeah.
Sure you don't want to come to your dad's house with me? Hmm? Yeah, I'm sure.
I'm I'm very sure.
All right.
See you later.
See you later.
Say hi to hal for me.
Oh, hey.
What's up? You know what's up.
What? Cut the crap, ok? Just, what was he like? Tell me everything.
All right, ron.
Let's not go there, ok? I have a boyfriend.
Adam and I just watched a movie, runaway bride, and then we ordered pizza, barbecued chicken pizza.
Oh, that's crazy.
I've never even heard of that.
Now, I gotta go to class, if you don't mind.
I gotta rent runaway bride.
I guarantee you that professor hasn't had sex in 10 years.
Yeah, but you didn't have to tell him that.
He was picking on me.
That's because you said that the bicycle thief sucked and that predator was the best movie ever made.
I was just saying what everyone else was thinking.
Hey, rach, I read your paper last night, and I thought it was very persuasive.
I really liked it a lot.
Oh, thanks.
Save it for class, picard.
What? Stop it.
Keep it in your pants, pervert, ok? She's a student.
What's your story, man? What's my story? I'm her boyfriend, you freak.
Oh my god.
Wait! Ok? Ok.
You got a problem with that, sinéad? Huh, mr.
Clean? Stop it! Hey, hey! I got a laptop! Boom! Ha ha ha! He's wet! He's wet because of me! Heh heh heh! Where are you going? Ha ha ha ha! Aw, you getting your hair wet? Oh! Ha ha ha! Are you doing ok, hal? That, uh, song you wrote about steven's mum was kind of rough.
I'm totally fine.
I've decided to have fun.
That's what I've decided to do.
Check this out.
This is the best of the whole bunch.
And this is how I'm having fun watching this.
Look at Do you believe that? Look, he's got the tape.
He's wrapping up the phone booth.
So the guy cannot get out of the phone booth.
He's trap different guy He's doing it to all these different people How many times have you watched this, hal? Well, I watched it This is the third time I've seen it today.
That video you showed me there, america's funniest home videos uncensored is great, and thank you for introducing me to tom green.
That was also pretty special stuff.
Do you think that it would be a good idea if we got out into the real world for a little while? I got an idea.
I got a great idea.
We can do this.
We heh heh heh.
No.
How No, we can't do this.
Look, if it's this much fun to watch it, can you imagine what it's like to actually do it? No.
Hal, you've gone crazy.
Come on, baby! Come on! All right.
You're with me, right? I'm gonna get the tape.
Are you doing ok? Uh, yeah.
Your dad's going through a pretty hard time, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, so, did you have fun with adam? Nothing happened.
We watched pelican brief and ate shrimp cocktails.
That's it? Mm-hmm.
That does my heart good, you know? 'Cause like, all these gossips are saying horrible things, but I knew you wouldn't, you know.
So, was the pelican brief good? Yeah.
Morgan freeman was really good.
Yeah, he's Whoa! Hey, what are you Did you you hear anything? Ron, can you just do something about loughran? Get him to leave, please.
No.
Ok? No.
I don't I don't want him to leave.
If he's here, sandler, he could come back.
If he leaves, sandler's never coming back, and I'll never I'll never get to talk to him.
Look, please, I am begging you.
He threw my sexual ethics professor in a fountain.
I hate you.
You know that? Fine.
I hate you, though.
Boom boom! Yeah, that's it.
You're dead.
Ha ha ha! So, you, uh, you liking it here? Yeah, it's cool.
I love it.
Ha ha ha! Yeah, see, I thought it was nice, too, at first, but now I just hate it.
I think it sucks.
Can't wait to get out of here.
Oh.
Uh, hello? Yo, diddly-ding-dang ding-dang doong-doong Uh, who's this? Hey, it's sandler.
Hey, is loughran there? Is he all right? Adam, uh, sandler? Yeah.
Who's this? Uh, you probably don't remember me.
Ronnie? It sounds like ron, am I right? The chunky guy with the glasses? Yeah, uh, yeah, that's me.
How's it going, pal? Oh, I'm good.
Ok.
Ok, one second.
All right.
It's adamFor you.
Hello.
What's going on? I am the king! I am the king! I am the king! Do you know my name? Do you know it? I don't care, because adam sandler knows it.
Man, he knows it.
I'm the chunky guy with glasses, right here! Why aren't you coming home? I'm not coming back.
I'm in love.
Ok, I just wanna make sure now.
Does this girl even like you back at all? What are you talking about? Of course she does.
Or is it like the receptionist thing at the sony lot? No, she likes me back.
That's good.
Ok.
Well, enjoy your life together, and, uh, just call us sometime.
Tell us how you're doing.
Ok, yeah.
Ok? I'll be here.
Me and covert are hanging out.
What are you guys doing? Hey, we got tivo.
What? We got tivo at the house.
It knows what you like and tapes it for you, you know? Aw, you're an idiot.
I told you to get that, like, months ago.
I know, I know.
You did the right thing.
It's unbelievable.
Anyways, we're gonna watch the basketball game right now.
Call us, though Is it good? Yeah, yeah.
Covert's doing the instant replay: "Iverson, iverson, iverson.
" UhUh Should I come home? If you want, you know.
We can, uh, we'll have a pizza or something.
I don't have to call this time? What, to get the pizza? All right, I'll call.
Yeah? Yeah.
Ok, uh, you call this time, and next time, I'll call.
All right.
That sounds good to me.
All right.
We miss you.
Yeah? Yeah.
Rachel? Yeah? Um I think you'd better sit down for this.
So, uh, what did you end up doing with my dad? Just hung out.
It was great.
Awesome, awesome.
Hey, good for you.
I'm sorry I didn't ask you if it was ok if I invited hal to the concert.
Hey, um I'm sorry I called you cathartic.
It's ok.
I think hal's having a really rough time at the moment.
He really misses your mum, you know? Maybe we should let him hang out with us some more.
Here comes lloyd.
Here comes lloyd! Steve, look at this.
Why are you filming me? Ohh! God! Stop filming! You want trouble? You ask for trouble? Hal's the king.
I am the greatest! I am the king! Yes! Come here.
Come here! Get in there! Get in there! Oww! Don't get me riled up! When I get riled up, I'll kick everybody's ass! Don't! Get away! Yello? Eric What's wrong, baby? I had sex with adam sandler.
Are you serious? Yes, and I am so sorry.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! That's awesome! Hoo hoo hoo! You're You're not mad? Of course I'm not mad.
If I had the opportunity to have sex with melissa joan hart, I'd do it.
Aw, my girl, how cool is this? You are so sweet.
Hey, was his hotel room big? Heh heh, uh, it was huge, actually.
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