Undercover (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

'For most people, life is all about family.
'But as an undercover cop, my life is all about a family of Armenian gangsters, 'who might kill me at any moment.
' Stop, I beg you.
Please stop.
Just stop.
Just stop harping on about it! 24/7, Zoe.
This is my life, 24/7.
Except, in my life, the gun's loaded.
OK, I get it.
But do you have to put a gun to my head to make your point? Sorry.
It's just this big meet today.
I dunno.
Chris, this is a major coup for us.
Yurik Petrosian, the big boss, here on UK soil.
It's what we've been waiting for.
No, it's what YOU'VE been waiting for.
I've been waiting for house prices to level out.
I've been waiting to get an upgrade for my phone.
I've been waiting for Toploader to make a comeback.
I've been waiting for normal things.
Toploader? Didn't they do Dancing In The Moonlight? That was one of their songs, yes! The point is, we don't know why Yurik's here.
For all I know, he could be here to wipe out the entire Sarkissian family P me included! There's nothing to worry about.
Just let the meeting play out.
Then we'll pick up Petrosian.
The Sarkissians won't even know he's in custody.
Yurik's the key, Chris.
We get him today, this whole thing is over.
You mean it? Completely over? Completely.
I won't have to eat any more stews? No more stews.
And you'll be seeing a lot less of me, obviously.
Obviously.
I mean, why on earth would we see each other after Operation Piccolo's finished? Exactly.
Just to be clear, there'll be an armed response team there the whole time? The whole time.
Now please put that gun away.
You're making me nervous.
I told you, it's not loaded! Give me some credit! Shit! Do you want me to? Just go, Chris.
Yurik had great respect for your father.
Everybody thought Raffi would be next in line.
Then he had his accident.
After that, Yurik just stayed on as the big boss.
So why is he here? Maybe to check on our operations.
Maybe to go to Stonehenge.
He always wanted to, and with the new visitor centre open Just say it, Uncle.
You think he might be naming his successor.
I cannot deny it.
And you think Yes.
And you're cool with that? Of course.
It's exactly what I've been waiting for.
I won't let you down, Uncle.
I'm gonna be the best big boss ever! Will Yurik pick Ara over me? No, Tigran, he will not.
That prick isn't even fit to shine my shoes.
It's no trouble.
What? Your shoes.
There is a guy at the station, he shines Forget the shoes! The point is, that arsehole put Christophe in the ground and I'm going to make him pay! Make him pay.
Make him pay! Aaarghhh! Aaaaarghhhh! Aaaaaggggghhhh! Tigran! Coming, Boss.
Where is Chris? Today of all days! Ara! Arno! You look so well! I look well? YOU look well.
Have you been exercising? Well, I've taken up aikido again.
Aikido.
The martial art where you use your opponent's own strength against himself.
How appropriate.
Though not always effective.
Hi.
This is Zoe.
If it's urgent, you can get me on the other number - 999.
Hi, Zoe.
It's me.
Look, I know we've had our ups and downs but I just wanna say I've really enjoyed working with you.
When this thing's over, maybe we could go for a Shit! Oh, God! Oh, no.
Oh, please, no! Yurik Petrosian! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! OK.
That's good.
Good.
We're OK.
Oh, hi.
Er, sorry about that.
Erm A bit of a problem.
Don't worry, the plan's still going smoothly.
it's just that I've kind of unexpectedly bumped into Yurik quite hard.
Look, call me.
Sorry about this.
Ah! Yes.
Missed go.
Hi, everyone! How's it going? Chris, you're late.
Why? Well, funny story! Actually Or, as they say in the old country Yes? But what I actually want to say about being late, to explain, 'cause I know you want to Look what I found snooping around outside! Thank God.
Oh, God.
Who sent you? I'm a policewoman, so probably the police? Are all your men this smart, or is he the exception? How did you know we were here? I didn't.
I was just passing by.
Stupid little I say we kill her.
Yeah! Let's kill her! Blaaah! Or how about we take her somewhere really awful, like a motorway service station, and just fucking leave her there! No.
We must find out how much she knows and who told her.
Maybe, Arno, you have a little rat sailing aboard your ship.
Hey! Maybe the rat is sailing on YOUR ship.
Dickhead.
Ara ain't even got a ship.
Or how about we stop bickering? Because where there's one cop, there's bound to be more.
This place'll be swarming with them any minute.
How about we postpone the meeting, let the cop go and get the hell out of here? You're right.
Really? Yes.
We will get the hell out of here.
But we will take the cop with us.
Shouldn't we wait for the big boss first? I'll call him.
No, I will call him.
Voicemail.
Yurik, it's Ara.
Something has come up.
No need for you to worry.
Just Arno messing things up again.
We will move location.
I will text you the details.
We will see you in 20 minutes.
Chris, you take the cop in your car.
Great idea.
I'm coming with you.
We have stuff to discuss.
Great idea, but maybe a better idea is for you to do the total opposite and not come with me at all.
She'd be quite a pretty little thing with a bit of work.
Any final requests? Bit of Botox maybe? Go fuck yourself.
Oh, my! Such a potty mouth.
What are they teaching the police these days? I'll see you at the car, Chris.
Where the shitting hell is the armed response team? Oh, my God.
There is no armed response team, is there? I tried, but resources are scarce these days.
Let me get this straight.
You sent me in here knowing that if things turned bad, I would have no back-up whatsoever? You have me! You've always got me.
Right - you.
Did you even bring a gun? I've got a rape alarm.
Oh, that's fine, then, because if there's one thing violent heavily armed gangsters cannot cope with it's a really loud noise! Everything OK? God, yeah.
Absolutely fine.
And, Chris, don't make Ara wait again.
No.
Absolutely.
I'm on my way.
What exactly was your plan? Were you gonna take them all on single-handed? I don't know! I just couldn't leave you out here on your own.
Not after Henderson.
Oh, God! I'd forgotten you've already got one dead policeman to your name.
Do you pick us at random or have you got some sort of pre-planned hit list? Pardon? Is that Petrosian? Yeah, the big sodding boss.
I ran him over.
You see how well my day's going? Sorry? Pardon? Is he dead? No.
Happy? Well, what are we waiting for? We've got what we wanted! Let's get the hell out of here! Shit! Of course! Wait.
Can you get me out of here first? Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
Chris! Piss off, pig woman! You weren't planning on leaving without me? God, no.
That's definitely not what I was planning to do.
Chris, we need to talk.
Right.
About us.
About this whole fuck-buddy thing.
God, I love this song! SWe need to talk about you and me.
Oh! My head! Where am I? Why is it so dark? What is that? What? I heard a noise, from the boot.
Probably our police friend.
Sounded like a man's voice.
Well, she is quite butch.
Who's there? Who's there, I say?! Can you turn that down, please? But I love this song, too! I'm trying to tell you something very important! Ah, darling! I'm pregnant.
That's enough, arsehole.
We're gonna have a baby.
Or, if it's a boy Mmm-mmm! .
.
we could call it Raffi, after my dad.
Mmmm! Or Kevin, after my first boyfriend.
Mmmmm! Or even Datev.
Mmmm! Mmmm! My pet cat when I was little.
This all sounds great! I'll see you in there.
Oh.
Do you want a hand with her? No, this is a job for a big man.
You're gonna make such a good daddy, Chris.
Mmmmmm! Are you OK? Yes! But he's in a bad way.
We need to get him to hospital.
Right.
How stupid of me.
We need to put his health and safety at the top of our list! What about us, for God's sake? Chris! Are you OK? Do you want Garabed to help? No.
She's just a lot heavier that I expected.
So, tell us who told you about our little get-together.
Yes.
Who is the rat? Are you really gonna kill a police officer in cold blood? That is the general idea.
Talk! You have three seconds to start talking before I blow your brains out.
One two Wait! You've got it all wrong.
What I mean is she's not stupid.
She knows we'll kill her as soon as she talks, so why talk? Then let's torture her until she tells us.
Nothing too serious.
Cut off a few fingers.
Pull out a tooth or two, hmm? I like it, Garabed.
I really do.
But a bit messy, isn't it, with the big boss arriving any minute? Blood everywhere, screams of pain.
You know what they say.
You don't get a second chance to make a first impression.
You spend a lot of time trying to stop us hurting this bitch.
Maybe YOU'RE the rat! Maybe we've got a Donnie Brasco in our midst.
A giant rabbit? That's Donnie Darko.
Oh.
Hey.
Remember what they say, Arno.
People in glass houses .
.
are arseholes.
Perhaps you should look closer to home.
Yeah.
Tigran, maybe you're the one we should be worrying about.
Hey! Enough! She's the one we should be worrying about.
You speak some sense at last.
She will tell us who the rat is.
I know who the rat is.
It's me.
I'm the rat.
What are you talking about? You're not the rat.
Then why was there a policewoman at my birthday party? How many times? She wasn't a real policewoman.
Oh, yeah.
She You don't say much, do you? But maybe we don't need you to speak.
Maybe this will tell us all we need to know.
We check your call records, voicemails, we find our rat, no? Oh, for fuck What's your passcode? I can't remember.
I forget things when I'm stressed.
Tigran, mess this bitch up.
Fucking finally.
Wait! What now?! Maybe it was Yurik.
Maybe he ratted us out.
I mean, he knew about the location.
As did you, Chris.
Look me in the eye.
Tell me it was not you.
Ara! It's me! Chris! C-dog! The Chrismeister! Two Chris Chris Father Chris-mas? Chris isn't your rat.
He's one of us, 100%.
How can you be so sure? Because I know Chris - intimately.
What can I say? And we're having a baby! You're having a baby? Technically that's still TBC.
And he's asked me to marry him.
What?!a happy day that's going to be! Me and Lara, getting married! Chris My son.
What wonderful news! Thank you for the kind words, but back to the job in hand.
Will you allow me a little cracky-poo at getting this bitch to talk? Call it an engagement present.
What do you say? What makes you think you can make her talk? Brains, my friend.
Ara, you've watched Countdown with me.
He's very good.
It's not just about muscle, see? A brilliant, analytical mind, that's my secret weapon, and I'm not afraid to use it.
He even gets the conundrums.
You asked her to bloody marry you?! What? Of course I didn't! You got her pregnant! Actually, that's still TBC.
Well, you had sex with her! OK, I had a little bit of sex with her! But can we please worry about that later? Assuming there is a later! Because right now we need to find a way out of here fast! Oh, God! I sounded awesome then, didn't I? Like Jack Bauer or something.
Not now, Chris! We could dig a tunnel.
Yurik Petrosian.
Has he got a phone on him? OK, let me hear it again.
Hello.
I am Yurik Petrosian.
A tiny bit more husky.
Think Brando in The Godfather crossed with Connery in Highlander, but kind of Greek-sounding.
Hello.
I am Yurik Petrosian.
A tiny bit less Bruce Forsyth.
Jesus, this is never gonna work! No, it is, Chris.
Trust me.
Go on, give it one more go.
Hello.
I am Yurik Petrosian.
That's it! Really? Yeah.
Totally nailed it! Kind of.
Yurik.
Ara, I want you to listen carefully.
You need to leave now, all of you.
The location has been compromised.
The police are on their way.
Yurik, are you OK? Your voice sounds a little odd.
Just a summer cold.
Have you never had a summer cold? Don't talk.
Listen.
Your hostage, the policewoman, she works for me.
I sent her to scout the warehouse earlier, and if any harm should come to her, I would be most displeased.
So you want us to let her go? Are you sure? Are you questioning me, Ara? No.
I just Just nothing! You've got a nerve.
I should have listened to all the other bosses.
They warned me about you, always flying off the handle, throwing your toys out of the pram like a baby child man.
It makes me wonder, are you really the right man to lead this organisation? Now do as I say.
Release the girl.
And make sure you take her wherever she wants.
She is a valuable asset and I want her treated as such.
Understood? Understood.
And your boy Chris, I'm hearing great things about him.
Get him a treat, like maybe a new car or something.
Wh-What? Nothing.
Bye, Ara.
Yurik's never treated me this way before.
Well, I gave it my best shot but she didn't talk.
Looks like you'll have to torture the slut-cake after all.
Let the girl go, Chris.
There'll be no torture today.
What?! You're shitting me! I was looking forward to that! I love a bit of the old torture.
Damn! Why didn't you tell us you worked for Yurik? Yurik? Because I don't tell anyone anything.
That's why Yurik trusts me.
Get her out of my sight.
Chris, I want you to know, should anything happen, Lara and the baby will be looked after.
Should anything happen? Say the brakes on your car failed, or faulty wiring at your apartment caused a fire, burning you to a crisp.
In that eventuality, I will not shirk my responsibilities.
You have my word.
Thanks.
Means a lot.
Chris, you were amazing.
I was pretty good, wasn't I? And the best part of it is we've got something really special between us.
We've got Yurik Petrosian locked up in the boot of your car.
You didn't lock the boot, did you? It's Yurik.
Aw, shit.
Who's Yurik? Look, Yurik is dead.
This is our time now! We just need to work out which one of us will take charge of the business.
Best of three? Fuck you! Call me "Boss".
Every boss needs a deputy.
If you do that thing where you take your hand and put it through your hair, so help me Uncles! I've got the best news.
You'll never guess.
Scissors beat stone? This! Dad's alive! All right, bitches? Raffi! Raffi! Raffi? Raffi? Daddy! I want you to meet someone.
Daddy, this is my fiance, Chris.
The father of my unborn child.
Pleased to meet you, Raffi.
Erm, Daddy.
Raffi Daddy.
Mr Daddy? Please, call me Mr Sarkissian.
Of course.
Mr Sarkissian.
It's just that Lara's always said that you were dead! Do I look like a ghost? No, I'm not.
Mess her about and you'll be feeding through a tube for the rest of your life.
Great to have you back, Daddy.
He's alive! Raffi! Raffi's alive! Raffi! What the hell am I gonna do? You're gonna marry her.
Good idea.
Sorry, what? Think about it.
Raffi running the show, you married to his daughter.
This is the best position we could possibly be in.
Aisle seat near the emergency exits - that's a good position to be in.
This is terrible.
Chris, just trust me on this.
The Sarkissians are going down.
If anyone should be worried, it's them.