United States of Al (2021) s01e06 Episode Script
Fundraiser/Baspana Towlawal
1
Come on.
Dude, she's kicking your butt.
I'm letting her win.
- We all know that's a lie.
- Hazel! You should not I am older than you and deserve Never mind, I'll tell you later.
- Done.
- Whoo! That's my girl.
You have earned yourself some breakfast ice cream.
Al, you got three more to go.
And then I get ice cream? Ice cream's for winners.
There's no participation ice cream.
Hey, guys, I got something I want to run by you.
You okay? Maybe one day.
You know how my Ohio Veteran's Post does a fundraiser every year? This year they want to honor you guys.
Ah, I hate those dog and pony shows.
Oh, it's not like that.
You just shake some hands, you take some pictures, you open some wallets Okay, it's a little like that.
But it's for a good cause.
I love good causes.
They do so much good.
And the money we raise is gonna help men like Al who are still waiting for their visas.
Mashallah.
Fine.
As long as we keep the focus on that.
I really don't want to be a poster boy.
Great! Hazel, want me to make you some breakfast? Dad promised me ice cream.
How about scrambled eggs in a cone? Riley jaan, why are you not more excited? This is a wonderful honor.
Nah, don't get your hopes up it's chicken fingers, a slideshow and a bunch of really old guys telling stories about World War II.
Oh, stop selling.
You had me at chicken fingers.
Oh! Just got off the horn with the Columbus Dispatch.
Get this, they're sending a guy to take pictures.
Mr.
Art, are you serious? Do not say it if it's not true.
It's true.
I did not seek fame, but it seems to have found me.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Oh, I'm going to need a jacket - and tie.
- Not a problem.
Mitch Culpepper's great-grandson owns a men's clothing store.
- He'll hook you up.
- How old is Mitch? - 101, tank commander.
- Mm.
Helped drive Rommel out of Africa.
Mm.
He must have amazing stories.
And you will hear all of them.
- Hey, Art.
- Patterson! Awalmir, this is Gunnery Sergeant Lisa Patterson.
- USMC.
- Retired.
- 20's plenty, right? [LAUGHS.]
- [MUTTERS.]
You remember my son? - Good to see you, Sergeant.
- Gunny.
We really appreciate you guys doing this.
No, it is us who appreciate you.
Boy, you're adorable.
So here's the rundown uh bar opens at 1700 hours, buffet at 1730.
Then there will be a slideshow presentation, after which you'll both say a few words.
And I do mean "a few.
" At this point in the evening, it is bedtime for the Greatest Generation.
Whoa, now we're making speeches? Ah, I should go second.
Riley can't follow me.
Sergeant, we didn't ask you here just to look pretty.
Don't get me wrong though.
You are pretty.
I can say that 'cause you're not exactly my type.
I like women.
Come on, son, everybody wants to hear from you.
And try to keep your message optimistic.
Optimistic? Translators are getting killed almost every day.
Maybe don't open with that.
All right, well I'll do the best I can.
"I'll do the best I can.
" I think that's the motto for the Coast Guard, Art.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
If I had a hammer [GLASS SHATTERING.]
I'd hammer in the morning.
Whatcha doing? - Making art.
- Oh.
For a minute there, I thought you were breaking beer bottles with a hammer.
I'm working on a mixed-media mosaic.
Ah.
Why? What do you want, Dad? I need to ask a favor.
I'm listening.
I was hoping you could put together a slideshow about your brother.
Maybe include some pictures of him and Al in there.
For the Veteran's Post thing? - Yeah.
- You sure about this? Riley hates that kind of stuff.
Nah, he says he does, but once he gets up there onstage and he feels all that love and gratitude.
He needs this.
I sure never got an attaboy when I came back from Grenada.
'Cause no one knew you went or what it was.
That was a turning point in the Cold War.
It was more like the beach volleyball scene from Top Gun.
Come on, help me out here, will ya? Y-Your brother's stuck.
And we need to unstick him.
You in or you out? I'm in.
Thank you.
Hey, can I try? - Oh, sure.
- Yeah.
Just, you know [GLASS SHATTERING.]
Yeah! I get it.
I'm gonna say goodbye to you out here, honey.
Don't you want to come in and say hi to Mom's new boyfriend? [SCOFFS.]
All right, don't be a wise guy.
Give me a kiss.
Hey, Hazel! Hey, Riley.
Good to see you.
Hi, Freddy.
Is this weird? It's weird, right? It feels weird.
Yeah, trust that feeling, bro.
- Want to come in? I'm making breakfast.
- Mm.
Or as you military folks call it, "chow.
" No, thanks.
Is Vanessa around? I need to talk to her for a sec.
She'll be right back.
But you're welcome to talk to some homemade chorizo.
I make my own sausages.
It's kind of a hobby.
Just tell her to call me, okay? We got to switch weekends.
My dad's being honored at the OVP.
Oh, that's amazing.
Congratulations, dude.
You can't come.
Hazel, don't be rude.
But, yeah, you can't come.
Understood.
You know, I would've joined up, but I had some medical issues.
Deviated septum.
When the weather's dry, I get nosebleeds.
I've learned to live with it.
Right.
Anyway, just tell her to call me.
Of course.
But if there's anything I can do You want me to donate some money? Wait, hold on, let me see what I Whoa-ho, 20, five tw-twenty-seven.
Look what I did.
Made it weird again.
- Oh, there you are.
- What's up? I was hoping you could help me with Oh, is that Riley when he was a little boy? - Yeah.
- Aw! Who's the little boy next to him? - Me.
- Oh.
Yeah.
That's what happens when your dad cuts your hair because barbers are a rip-off.
Well, you were very handsome.
Gee, thanks.
I bought a book on how to give speeches.
And I do not understand this.
"Hello, ladies and germs.
" Is that a joke? Or is that serious? Is there a third choice? Going for a run.
I'll be back in a bit.
Riley, have you written your speech? No, I'm just gonna wing it.
I can help you with jokes.
[SIGHS.]
I do not understand why he is getting so worked up about this fundraiser.
He just doesn't like being the center of attention.
But he has always been so proud of being a Marine.
And he still is.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know.
He is very different from what I remember.
Join the club.
So what happened? You tell me.
You were with him over there.
But he was with you over here.
This is where he changed.
In Afghanistan, he was capable and sure of himself.
His men loved him.
They would have followed him anywhere.
But now now he just seems lost.
He sure does.
I hope he has not been bewitched.
I'm sorry, what? It would explain a lot.
You know, it would.
Espand e balla band.
Chashmi heach, chashmi khaish.
Chashmi dost wa dooshmani bad andish Don't make me ask.
I'm burning espand seeds to ward off the evil eye.
Gosh, will you knock it off? I think you know the answer to that.
I got to get my uniform together, I got to get my hair cut for this thing.
- Lay off me, man.
- No, I will lay on you, man.
Until you change your attitude.
I said I'm going.
What do you want me to do, skip there twirling a baton? Don't you remember Ahmad, Bilal, Ali? They are waiting for their visas.
Their lives are still in danger.
And you are acting like helping them is an annoyance.
You know if I could go to Afghanistan and bring them back, I would.
But you can't.
All you can do is go to the fundraiser I said I'm going! Don't yell at me! We are on the same side! Where are you going? We're talking.
I need more espand seeds.
I don't have an evil eye! Yes, you do.
[SMOKE ALARM BEEPING.]
See? Riley getting ready? Hey, I'm only in charge of the slideshow.
And it's gonna work? It should, it absolutely should.
Huh? What do you think? Family and friends discount from Culpepper and Sons.
- Wow, you look great! - Well, thank you.
Just don't be surprised if someone asks you to park their car.
Oh! Wow.
This is in, like, those movies when the ugly girl becomes beautiful.
All right.
That's the only one you get.
Hey, Hazelnut.
Hey, sunshine.
- Hey, Grampy.
- Look at you in a dress.
I don't want to talk about it.
You clean up nice.
I don't want to talk about it.
Sorry about Freddy the other day.
I heard he was a little extra.
No, no, he means well.
- He's not coming, is he? - No.
But he's all dressed up and just a phone call away.
Uh, Mom, get a picture of me and Dad.
BOTH: Oorah! And now one with me.
And now with Mr.
Art.
- All right, that's enough.
- Wait, we need Lizzie.
Okay, now just me.
[BAND PLAYING "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER".]
Post the colors.
Riley, Al, I want you to meet some of our major donors.
Mitch's family owns Culpepper and Sons down at the mall.
Your great-grandson is a terrific salesman.
He guessed my jacket size just by looking at me.
Boys medium? Amazing.
Thank you for your service.
You're welcome.
And this is Ted Begley.
Ted owns the Chevy dealership out on Route 23.
Any time you need a car, come on down.
Uh, promo code is "American Hero.
" Hmm.
I'm a big fan of the 1997 Toyota Corolla.
Preferably with a radio.
Uh, Riley, I'm curious, what is your go-to sidearm? - The one they gave us.
- [LAUGHS.]
Ooh, I'll bet you saw a lot of action, huh? Nah, it was, uh, months of boredom punctuated with the worst days of my life.
Oh.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna hit the head.
For a brave man, he has a very nervous bladder.
So, tell me more about your Corollas.
[LAUGHTER.]
So there we are, in the dead of night, cut off from our unit, trying to make our way back through Taliban-controlled territory.
Did you throw a grenade? I will get there, Mr.
Ted.
Anyway, we have to be very quiet.
One peep out of us, we are dead men.
And this new recruit tells me he has to go to the bathroom.
- [SOFT LAUGHTER.]
- So, I send him behind a bush, where he makes so much noise, - he might as well have shot off a flare.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Okay, but w So then, you threw a grenade.
Well, I suppose you could say, Mr.
Ted, - the new guy dropped a grenade.
- [LAUGHTER.]
So, Riley, I hear that you were quite the hero over there in Iraq.
It was over there in Afghanistan.
I wasn't a hero.
But otherwise you heard right.
Hello, can I have everybody's attention? We're gonna start the slideshow.
Lizzie, you ready? Oh, boy, I hope so.
Fire it up.
Okay, um, hang on.
- [ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Hey, it worked.
[PANTING.]
Hey.
Where you going? I'm just grabbing some air.
You're gonna make your speech, right? I don't know.
This was a bad idea.
Riley.
I'm just so damn proud of you, son.
- I wish you - I know, Dad.
[WHISPERS.]
: Hey, Al.
How long can you make your speech? Very long.
Why? I think we lost Riley.
Where'd he go? I don't know.
[SIGHS.]
I might.
Stay here, I'll be right back.
- I want to come with you.
- No.
I need you to record Uncle Al's speech so that Dad can watch it later.
That's the mission.
Can you handle it? - Yes, ma'am.
- Okay.
[EXHALES.]
I guess you were right.
I wish I wasn't.
[VOCALIZING.]
What are you doing? I'm warming up my instrument.
[CONTINUES VOCALIZING.]
Oh, great.
Mind if I join you? - How'd you know? - Hmm.
You have three spots you go to when you're freaking out.
And the strip club burned down.
Now I'm freaking out about two things.
Hydrate.
Aspirin.
One bacon cheeseburger, extra greasy.
Aw.
You're the best almost ex-wife ever.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um, you gonna try to guilt me into going back? Nope.
You gonna tell me I need to get checked out at the V.
A.
? [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Nope.
Then what do you want? I want my daughter's father to be okay.
So So I'm just gonna sit here with you for a while.
[EXHALES.]
Mmm.
You want a bite? Not for a million dollars.
Before we get to the main event, how about another big hand for Lizzie Dugan for putting together that slideshow.
[LAUGHS.]
It's so sad how good this feels.
And before we introduce tonight's honorees, I would like to take a moment to thank my beautiful wife.
Crystal, come on.
Come on, stand up.
- Take a bow.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
I had to keep her on the down-low until 2011.
So now it's, "You don't ask, I do tell.
" 'Cause I tell everybody.
I mean, come on.
Look at her.
Come on.
Anyhoo.
It is my pleasure to introduce an exceptional man who fought alongside our men and women, Mr.
Awalmir Karimi.
[APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! Go get 'em, Uncle Al.
- Thank you, Gunny.
- Keep it clean.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello.
Uh, good evening.
Thank you for this wonderful honor.
I read a book on giving speeches, and it suggested opening with a joke.
Oh, boy.
But I'm not going to.
Because there is nothing funny about the 17,000 Afghan interpreters still waiting for visas which were promised to them.
When we decided to join the U.
S.
forces, we were not only risking our lives, we were putting the lives of our families in danger.
We were the eyes and ears of American troops.
And that is what the Taliban called us, "the eyes.
" On missions, I would hear them over the radio say, "Shoot the eyes first.
" And a lot of times they did.
But not me.
My friend Riley saved my life on three separate occasions.
Twice from gunfire, once from red tape.
He got my visa application out from whatever pile it was buried under and brought me to America.
And I know he doesn't like to be called a hero, but the interpreters who don't have a friend like him are probably not going to make it here.
So, if he won't let me call him a hero I will call him my brother.
And now, if you will allow me, a song.
Lizzie, if you please? ["IT'S NOT UNUSUAL" PLAYING.]
It's not unusual To be loved by anyone It's not unusual To have fun with anyone If I ever find that you've changed at any time It's not unusual to find out I'm in love with you Whoa, whoa! - Thank you, ladies and germs! - [APPLAUSE.]
- Good night.
- [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK.]
Whoo! [MOUTHS.]
Apparently, you weren't missed.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Dude, she's kicking your butt.
I'm letting her win.
- We all know that's a lie.
- Hazel! You should not I am older than you and deserve Never mind, I'll tell you later.
- Done.
- Whoo! That's my girl.
You have earned yourself some breakfast ice cream.
Al, you got three more to go.
And then I get ice cream? Ice cream's for winners.
There's no participation ice cream.
Hey, guys, I got something I want to run by you.
You okay? Maybe one day.
You know how my Ohio Veteran's Post does a fundraiser every year? This year they want to honor you guys.
Ah, I hate those dog and pony shows.
Oh, it's not like that.
You just shake some hands, you take some pictures, you open some wallets Okay, it's a little like that.
But it's for a good cause.
I love good causes.
They do so much good.
And the money we raise is gonna help men like Al who are still waiting for their visas.
Mashallah.
Fine.
As long as we keep the focus on that.
I really don't want to be a poster boy.
Great! Hazel, want me to make you some breakfast? Dad promised me ice cream.
How about scrambled eggs in a cone? Riley jaan, why are you not more excited? This is a wonderful honor.
Nah, don't get your hopes up it's chicken fingers, a slideshow and a bunch of really old guys telling stories about World War II.
Oh, stop selling.
You had me at chicken fingers.
Oh! Just got off the horn with the Columbus Dispatch.
Get this, they're sending a guy to take pictures.
Mr.
Art, are you serious? Do not say it if it's not true.
It's true.
I did not seek fame, but it seems to have found me.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Oh, I'm going to need a jacket - and tie.
- Not a problem.
Mitch Culpepper's great-grandson owns a men's clothing store.
- He'll hook you up.
- How old is Mitch? - 101, tank commander.
- Mm.
Helped drive Rommel out of Africa.
Mm.
He must have amazing stories.
And you will hear all of them.
- Hey, Art.
- Patterson! Awalmir, this is Gunnery Sergeant Lisa Patterson.
- USMC.
- Retired.
- 20's plenty, right? [LAUGHS.]
- [MUTTERS.]
You remember my son? - Good to see you, Sergeant.
- Gunny.
We really appreciate you guys doing this.
No, it is us who appreciate you.
Boy, you're adorable.
So here's the rundown uh bar opens at 1700 hours, buffet at 1730.
Then there will be a slideshow presentation, after which you'll both say a few words.
And I do mean "a few.
" At this point in the evening, it is bedtime for the Greatest Generation.
Whoa, now we're making speeches? Ah, I should go second.
Riley can't follow me.
Sergeant, we didn't ask you here just to look pretty.
Don't get me wrong though.
You are pretty.
I can say that 'cause you're not exactly my type.
I like women.
Come on, son, everybody wants to hear from you.
And try to keep your message optimistic.
Optimistic? Translators are getting killed almost every day.
Maybe don't open with that.
All right, well I'll do the best I can.
"I'll do the best I can.
" I think that's the motto for the Coast Guard, Art.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
If I had a hammer [GLASS SHATTERING.]
I'd hammer in the morning.
Whatcha doing? - Making art.
- Oh.
For a minute there, I thought you were breaking beer bottles with a hammer.
I'm working on a mixed-media mosaic.
Ah.
Why? What do you want, Dad? I need to ask a favor.
I'm listening.
I was hoping you could put together a slideshow about your brother.
Maybe include some pictures of him and Al in there.
For the Veteran's Post thing? - Yeah.
- You sure about this? Riley hates that kind of stuff.
Nah, he says he does, but once he gets up there onstage and he feels all that love and gratitude.
He needs this.
I sure never got an attaboy when I came back from Grenada.
'Cause no one knew you went or what it was.
That was a turning point in the Cold War.
It was more like the beach volleyball scene from Top Gun.
Come on, help me out here, will ya? Y-Your brother's stuck.
And we need to unstick him.
You in or you out? I'm in.
Thank you.
Hey, can I try? - Oh, sure.
- Yeah.
Just, you know [GLASS SHATTERING.]
Yeah! I get it.
I'm gonna say goodbye to you out here, honey.
Don't you want to come in and say hi to Mom's new boyfriend? [SCOFFS.]
All right, don't be a wise guy.
Give me a kiss.
Hey, Hazel! Hey, Riley.
Good to see you.
Hi, Freddy.
Is this weird? It's weird, right? It feels weird.
Yeah, trust that feeling, bro.
- Want to come in? I'm making breakfast.
- Mm.
Or as you military folks call it, "chow.
" No, thanks.
Is Vanessa around? I need to talk to her for a sec.
She'll be right back.
But you're welcome to talk to some homemade chorizo.
I make my own sausages.
It's kind of a hobby.
Just tell her to call me, okay? We got to switch weekends.
My dad's being honored at the OVP.
Oh, that's amazing.
Congratulations, dude.
You can't come.
Hazel, don't be rude.
But, yeah, you can't come.
Understood.
You know, I would've joined up, but I had some medical issues.
Deviated septum.
When the weather's dry, I get nosebleeds.
I've learned to live with it.
Right.
Anyway, just tell her to call me.
Of course.
But if there's anything I can do You want me to donate some money? Wait, hold on, let me see what I Whoa-ho, 20, five tw-twenty-seven.
Look what I did.
Made it weird again.
- Oh, there you are.
- What's up? I was hoping you could help me with Oh, is that Riley when he was a little boy? - Yeah.
- Aw! Who's the little boy next to him? - Me.
- Oh.
Yeah.
That's what happens when your dad cuts your hair because barbers are a rip-off.
Well, you were very handsome.
Gee, thanks.
I bought a book on how to give speeches.
And I do not understand this.
"Hello, ladies and germs.
" Is that a joke? Or is that serious? Is there a third choice? Going for a run.
I'll be back in a bit.
Riley, have you written your speech? No, I'm just gonna wing it.
I can help you with jokes.
[SIGHS.]
I do not understand why he is getting so worked up about this fundraiser.
He just doesn't like being the center of attention.
But he has always been so proud of being a Marine.
And he still is.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know.
He is very different from what I remember.
Join the club.
So what happened? You tell me.
You were with him over there.
But he was with you over here.
This is where he changed.
In Afghanistan, he was capable and sure of himself.
His men loved him.
They would have followed him anywhere.
But now now he just seems lost.
He sure does.
I hope he has not been bewitched.
I'm sorry, what? It would explain a lot.
You know, it would.
Espand e balla band.
Chashmi heach, chashmi khaish.
Chashmi dost wa dooshmani bad andish Don't make me ask.
I'm burning espand seeds to ward off the evil eye.
Gosh, will you knock it off? I think you know the answer to that.
I got to get my uniform together, I got to get my hair cut for this thing.
- Lay off me, man.
- No, I will lay on you, man.
Until you change your attitude.
I said I'm going.
What do you want me to do, skip there twirling a baton? Don't you remember Ahmad, Bilal, Ali? They are waiting for their visas.
Their lives are still in danger.
And you are acting like helping them is an annoyance.
You know if I could go to Afghanistan and bring them back, I would.
But you can't.
All you can do is go to the fundraiser I said I'm going! Don't yell at me! We are on the same side! Where are you going? We're talking.
I need more espand seeds.
I don't have an evil eye! Yes, you do.
[SMOKE ALARM BEEPING.]
See? Riley getting ready? Hey, I'm only in charge of the slideshow.
And it's gonna work? It should, it absolutely should.
Huh? What do you think? Family and friends discount from Culpepper and Sons.
- Wow, you look great! - Well, thank you.
Just don't be surprised if someone asks you to park their car.
Oh! Wow.
This is in, like, those movies when the ugly girl becomes beautiful.
All right.
That's the only one you get.
Hey, Hazelnut.
Hey, sunshine.
- Hey, Grampy.
- Look at you in a dress.
I don't want to talk about it.
You clean up nice.
I don't want to talk about it.
Sorry about Freddy the other day.
I heard he was a little extra.
No, no, he means well.
- He's not coming, is he? - No.
But he's all dressed up and just a phone call away.
Uh, Mom, get a picture of me and Dad.
BOTH: Oorah! And now one with me.
And now with Mr.
Art.
- All right, that's enough.
- Wait, we need Lizzie.
Okay, now just me.
[BAND PLAYING "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER".]
Post the colors.
Riley, Al, I want you to meet some of our major donors.
Mitch's family owns Culpepper and Sons down at the mall.
Your great-grandson is a terrific salesman.
He guessed my jacket size just by looking at me.
Boys medium? Amazing.
Thank you for your service.
You're welcome.
And this is Ted Begley.
Ted owns the Chevy dealership out on Route 23.
Any time you need a car, come on down.
Uh, promo code is "American Hero.
" Hmm.
I'm a big fan of the 1997 Toyota Corolla.
Preferably with a radio.
Uh, Riley, I'm curious, what is your go-to sidearm? - The one they gave us.
- [LAUGHS.]
Ooh, I'll bet you saw a lot of action, huh? Nah, it was, uh, months of boredom punctuated with the worst days of my life.
Oh.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna hit the head.
For a brave man, he has a very nervous bladder.
So, tell me more about your Corollas.
[LAUGHTER.]
So there we are, in the dead of night, cut off from our unit, trying to make our way back through Taliban-controlled territory.
Did you throw a grenade? I will get there, Mr.
Ted.
Anyway, we have to be very quiet.
One peep out of us, we are dead men.
And this new recruit tells me he has to go to the bathroom.
- [SOFT LAUGHTER.]
- So, I send him behind a bush, where he makes so much noise, - he might as well have shot off a flare.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Okay, but w So then, you threw a grenade.
Well, I suppose you could say, Mr.
Ted, - the new guy dropped a grenade.
- [LAUGHTER.]
So, Riley, I hear that you were quite the hero over there in Iraq.
It was over there in Afghanistan.
I wasn't a hero.
But otherwise you heard right.
Hello, can I have everybody's attention? We're gonna start the slideshow.
Lizzie, you ready? Oh, boy, I hope so.
Fire it up.
Okay, um, hang on.
- [ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Hey, it worked.
[PANTING.]
Hey.
Where you going? I'm just grabbing some air.
You're gonna make your speech, right? I don't know.
This was a bad idea.
Riley.
I'm just so damn proud of you, son.
- I wish you - I know, Dad.
[WHISPERS.]
: Hey, Al.
How long can you make your speech? Very long.
Why? I think we lost Riley.
Where'd he go? I don't know.
[SIGHS.]
I might.
Stay here, I'll be right back.
- I want to come with you.
- No.
I need you to record Uncle Al's speech so that Dad can watch it later.
That's the mission.
Can you handle it? - Yes, ma'am.
- Okay.
[EXHALES.]
I guess you were right.
I wish I wasn't.
[VOCALIZING.]
What are you doing? I'm warming up my instrument.
[CONTINUES VOCALIZING.]
Oh, great.
Mind if I join you? - How'd you know? - Hmm.
You have three spots you go to when you're freaking out.
And the strip club burned down.
Now I'm freaking out about two things.
Hydrate.
Aspirin.
One bacon cheeseburger, extra greasy.
Aw.
You're the best almost ex-wife ever.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um, you gonna try to guilt me into going back? Nope.
You gonna tell me I need to get checked out at the V.
A.
? [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Nope.
Then what do you want? I want my daughter's father to be okay.
So So I'm just gonna sit here with you for a while.
[EXHALES.]
Mmm.
You want a bite? Not for a million dollars.
Before we get to the main event, how about another big hand for Lizzie Dugan for putting together that slideshow.
[LAUGHS.]
It's so sad how good this feels.
And before we introduce tonight's honorees, I would like to take a moment to thank my beautiful wife.
Crystal, come on.
Come on, stand up.
- Take a bow.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
I had to keep her on the down-low until 2011.
So now it's, "You don't ask, I do tell.
" 'Cause I tell everybody.
I mean, come on.
Look at her.
Come on.
Anyhoo.
It is my pleasure to introduce an exceptional man who fought alongside our men and women, Mr.
Awalmir Karimi.
[APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! Go get 'em, Uncle Al.
- Thank you, Gunny.
- Keep it clean.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello.
Uh, good evening.
Thank you for this wonderful honor.
I read a book on giving speeches, and it suggested opening with a joke.
Oh, boy.
But I'm not going to.
Because there is nothing funny about the 17,000 Afghan interpreters still waiting for visas which were promised to them.
When we decided to join the U.
S.
forces, we were not only risking our lives, we were putting the lives of our families in danger.
We were the eyes and ears of American troops.
And that is what the Taliban called us, "the eyes.
" On missions, I would hear them over the radio say, "Shoot the eyes first.
" And a lot of times they did.
But not me.
My friend Riley saved my life on three separate occasions.
Twice from gunfire, once from red tape.
He got my visa application out from whatever pile it was buried under and brought me to America.
And I know he doesn't like to be called a hero, but the interpreters who don't have a friend like him are probably not going to make it here.
So, if he won't let me call him a hero I will call him my brother.
And now, if you will allow me, a song.
Lizzie, if you please? ["IT'S NOT UNUSUAL" PLAYING.]
It's not unusual To be loved by anyone It's not unusual To have fun with anyone If I ever find that you've changed at any time It's not unusual to find out I'm in love with you Whoa, whoa! - Thank you, ladies and germs! - [APPLAUSE.]
- Good night.
- [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK.]
Whoo! [MOUTHS.]
Apparently, you weren't missed.
[BOTH LAUGH.]