Unnatural History s01e06 Episode Script
Public School Enemies
Honey, is Henry with you? I think he is saying goodbye to that arvana camel he has been hanging out with.
Then can you please help me take down the tents? Henry? Henry? Henry! Sorry, I will slow down.
Slow down? We are still parked.
Are you sure you want to do this? Uncle Brian, I white water rafted down the Amazon's river of doubt and most of that was without a raft.
No doubt you did.
Now put the key in the ignition.
Turn it.
Good.
Now parking brake off, foot on the brake, shift into gear.
Now the gas pedal.
Remember Goldilocks - not too soft, not too hard but just right.
Now let's drive.
Hey, not so fast! The letter D is confusing.
D stands for Drive - drive means forward always means forward.
It only means forward.
But can't you technically drive backward? If it only means forward why not use an F? From the board of directors.
This is stamped confidential.
Why is it open? Someone has to stay on top of things while you are off joyriding.
Speaking of joy, morning Henry.
Those are beautiful fire garments Mrs.
Dinsmore.
Are they from Minivia or Angola? They are from the mall dear, but at least someone noticed.
Last year's budget cuts were not enough; they got to hit me with this.
Next lesson first thing tomorrow.
It's okay Uncle Brian, you're busy.
I actually like walking everywhere.
Why did you ask me to give you lessons without Jasper even knowing about it? It's an important cultural rite of passage and it would be nice for Jasper not to have to haul me around everywhere.
Henry, whatever your problem is, and I am guessing there is one, you will get over it, just like I am going to get over this somehow.
What's this? So it's down to a '66 Tornado, a '72 Road runner or a '74 Gremlin.
The first American front wheel drive of classic muscle V8 for the kitchiest ride in history.
Okay all those cars get like 0 miles per gallon.
How do you reconcile your eco-fascism with the internal combustion engine and leaded fuel? Easy; whatever I buy gets converted into running on French fry oil.
What are you guys talking about? Maggie's first car purchase.
Speaking of cars I woke up and you were gone and dad was gone and my Smart was gone and all I found was this vague little post-it note on my cereal bowl about you needing to go somewhere.
Well since the hybrid is in the shop we had to take your car.
Yeah, I know, but where? To the DMV.
Oh my god! Henry, that's great, you got your learner's permit.
Wait! Does this mean that I do not have to be your vehicle shirpa anymore? Yes as soon as I ace the exam your servitude ends.
Hang on; the kid who can do everything can't drive? Of course I can drive in 90% of the world.
Apparently you need a license for everything in this nutty country.
What's with the busted lockers? Behold, the return of the locker stalkers.
Who? A gang of masked students bag and tag thieves, the wizard of Oz hob goblin and fly boy are becoming mythic figures here as Smithson.
They used to only operate during off peak hours but I don't know, they've been getting bolder.
Sometimes striking right in the middle of the day? Hey, hey, that's my locker! They hit my locker? No, no, no.
My laptop is gone! Okay under normal circumstances I would never say this but you're faster, stronger and braver than I am so I am begging you go get my laptop.
Go, go, go! My life is on that machine! Gotcha! Hey they're headed for the museum.
Look out! Watch out for the Dillinger car.
Has anyone seen a wizard, a fly or a goblin pass through here? What kind of nut would drive their car into a museum? Oh It's an exhibit.
Sorry I lost him.
You tried.
Hey over there; I bet it's them - Raven, Rooker, and Diablo - the emoti-convicts.
I thought that troika ended last summer in a depressed hail tears and tears and mascara smears.
I guess they kissed and made up.
What's so suspicious about them? Their checkered past.
The final exam fish head incident.
Oh the fire in the tire field, that was The hacked candy machine.
Actually that was me.
Everything in there was way past its 'sell by' date.
I mean those three definitely put the cow on the roof.
Then why are they still going to school here? No proof, but if you bust them, can you try to get my card back? They stole your credit card.
My rookie autographed Joe Mauer baseball card.
To Milo, keep up the straight A's, your pal Joe.
Ever since it was stolen I stopped getting straight A's.
Well we'll get it back.
We'll get everything back - right Henry? Does anybody smell that potent stench? Well there goes the nose again.
Don't touch that, that's a display.
Henry! Something is leaking.
It's probably just oil or gasoline.
I smell alcohol.
Get your face out of that gangster mobile! Bottoms up G-man.
Say hi to your doggie you will never get me or that moolah, even though it's right under your big fat nose.
Signed - John Dillinger.
Henry you found a greeting card to J.
Edgar Hoover from John Dillinger.
Were they good buds? Buds? They were like good versus evil.
Cop against cook, order battling disorder.
Hoover was the head of the FBI.
He personally declared John Dillinger public enemy #1.
They hated each other.
Mula, as in the Islamic Religious Advisor? Not Mula, moolah, as in scratch, scrilla, Benjamin's, chedda.
Moolah is cheese? Moolah is a 20th century term for money.
There must have been a lot of it if he was taunting Hoover with it.
July 20, 1934, that was just a day or two before Dillinger was shot and killed by FBI agents.
Guess he never got a chance to mail it.
Wait; if he never sent it then that means that Hoover never got it, which means that that the, whatever you call it - 'mullet' might still be lying around someplace.
Maybe not someplace.
The notes said the money was right under Hoover's nose.
Look at this.
Recognize the address? Oh, I am so having a déjà vu right now.
That's because it's the address of our school.
Smithson was not just always a school; it was a civil war hospital, a convent, a mental ward and for one short year, offices of the FBI.
Well it says here that Hoover's office was room 131a.
No problem - all we have to do is find that room.
Actually that's a problem.
Why do you always say that? Well there is no such room number.
Oh come on; even you could not possibly know all the rooms at Smithson.
Jasper, must I? Is this really Hoover and his dog? Circa 1930.
Same year as these remodeled floor plans, when there was a room 131a.
What do we get? The current occupant of J.
Edgar Hoover's office is Uncle Brian.
How long will he be gone? Staff meetings last about 55 minutes.
Well what about? Mrs.
Dunsmore.
She is always there first to take roll call.
Come on, we're in the clear.
We're actually here to de-frag my dad's computer.
You see he was really embarrassed that he didn't know how to do it on his own.
Please Mrs.
Dunsmore, don't miss your meeting just because his computer needs defrosting.
Defrosting.
Henry you're adorable.
You're so adorable that I don't even care how inappropriate this is.
Ohoh Okay.
If we find any money who gets to keep it.
Depends on the salvage laws.
If it's found on school property it might belong to the school.
Why? The report says there is no money for the music program.
And no more job for the dean.
Henry, unless this school gets an immediate injection of major funding by the end of the month they're not renewing Dean Bartlett's contract.
He'll be let go.
Speedy Bozo? Actually that's a Cairn Terrier.
Dillinger's note to Hoover mentioned his dog didn't it? Yeah, say hello to your little doggie for me.
Well what do these look like? Possible terrier toe nail markings.
But why do they end at the wall? Maybe he wanted to be with his master.
Shut a pet out of a room he will keep trying to get in.
There's a room behind this wall.
Right under his big fat nose! This place was specially built so no one could hear you scream.
This must be Hoover's secret interrogation chamber.
So that means that Dillinger probably didn't know about it and this is a dead end.
Maybe not; take a look at this.
It's recording of case 628C1, the people versus John Herbert Dillinger.
Put him in a chair, make sure he's comfortable.
Turn on the lamp, light him up.
You.
So you know who I am? Sure.
And you're much prettier in person Mrs.
Roosevelt.
I am J.
Edgar Hoover, head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
You got the wrong [inaudible.]
.
I am nothing but a private law-abiding citizen.
Nothing about you is private anymore.
I can now legally identify with your own fingerprints.
You're Edward Z.
McIntosh, aged fifteen if you make it to September.
And you're the personal driver of John H.
Dillinger.
Public Enemy #1, last month you drove Mr.
Dillinger to the Hayworth Adams hotel where he took possession of a suitcase filled with US currency.
Where is it now? Listen, that dough don't belong to no one! Alright.
Not the banks, not that bug eyed Betty he's keeping and not you! And to whom does this belong? Your mother misses you Eddy; she wants you to come home, take up music again.
Now where's the money Eddy? Not my instrument - it's the only thing in this whole stinking world that means anything to me.
Should have listened to your mother Eddy.
Mother always knows best.
No, please no! No! Please no! Hoover cut off his instrument? If you mean this instrument, yes.
He said the money doesn't belong to anybody.
If that's true we can give it to the school.
We need to find out everything we can about Eddy McIntosh.
You know what; I am going to meet you guys in the doom rooms.
I just have to check something out first.
I don't know Henry, that's weird.
Bad vibrations.
You feel it too? I'm talking about Jasper's blasé attitude about finding a fortune; not just any fortune John Dillinger's lost heist money! Sh! Don't shush me, we're alone.
I'm not so sure about that.
Go ahead, I need to check something out.
As usual the girl gets the grunt work.
Wet paint! You have something that belongs to my cousin.
Where's Jasper's laptop? Let's tag him.
Oh no, not again! They have been concealing themselves in empty lockers that's so they know when to make their move.
You cowards! Ducking into lockers and hiding behind masks, all so they can invade people's privacy! Well you know what; two can play at that game.
What did you have in mind? I'm going to do what the FBI would do; I am going to invade their privacy.
You got to help Maggie with the Dillinger case, I got this one.
What are you doing now Fartlett? That's J.
Asper Bartlett to you scum.
Hands in the air; show me your digitus primus.
Thumbs up, now.
As much as I actually applaud the weirdness of your request? That's the only digit you are going to get from me.
Prepare to have your wand snapped wizard! Oh Jasper, don't you think that my locker has been through enough? No Milo, it's just a little bit of graphite powder from an old FBI fingerprint kit.
I'm going all crime scene on the locker stalkers.
Does it actually work? For something without a microprocessor it's shockingly effective.
I have lifted prints off most of the tag lockers.
Hm, looks like the wizard of odds has a boo-boo on his thumb.
Oh, it's Maggie; she is hot on the trail for the moolah.
You know actually I got to go Milo.
What now? What could be more important than getting our stuff back? Well it's kind of a long story, I can't really say.
Hey your dad works for the Treasury Department doesn't he? Yeah, mom too.
Why? It has to do with money, really, really old money.
Can you keep a secret? Hey! Where have you been? You have heard of Scar Face? Well I am hot on the trail of Scar Thumb.
Where's Henry? In the gangster era archives, no doubt unearthing some fascinating but ultimately worthless document.
Meanwhile I am searching national, international databases for Eddy McIntosh's death certificate.
No need for that high tech detective stuff; this book has everything in it.
The telephone book? Take a look at this.
Edward Z.
McIntosh is still alive and living right here in the city.
Hello? Mr.
McIntosh? Hello? Whoa, no way! Back off the [inaudible.]
.
I knew it was a drill.
Are you Edward Z.
McIntosh? Well that all depends who is asking.
I don't talk to no crime fetish bloggers.
That's why you're here right to ask me questions about the famous John Dillinger? We just have one question; what ever happened to the money? We heard the recordings of Hoover interrogating you in 1934.
Well why don't you all get out of here huh? Leave the past where it belongs.
I mean it! Go on, get out of here.
We're sorry, we did not mean to upset you.
Yeah? But in case it means anything I believe this is yours.
Hey kids? Wait up.
A Mercedes Benz model S Torpedo Provet and you got to drive it? You know I drove all kinds of cars for all sorts of swells.
How old were you when you learned to drive? Eight.
Eight? See back then in the roaring twenties you did not need a license to drive.
All you needed was guts and gumption and no fear of nothing or nobody.
Kind of like you boy.
So you kids are really looking for this money to build out your school's music program, right? That and a lot more.
All right, okay.
Here's all I know.
The boss Dillinger got himself a suitcase packed with $600,000 smackers and then he says he is going to drive Hoover nuts looking for the money that don't belong to no one.
I don't understand that.
How can that much money not belong to anyone? I've been trying to figure that one out for 75 years.
That and what he meant when he said that he was going to bury it under this big capital C.
Capital C like the third letter of the alphabet? Your school could really use more funds couldn't it? Okay, hey for whatever it's worth I'm going to give you something.
There it is.
This is for you.
License plates? That's what the boss left me in his will.
Now listen; there is supposed to be a riddle and a solution to where the money is hidden.
Now heck if I've ever been able to figure it out but maybe you can.
Thank you.
Well, well, well, well.
You are one old friend I never thought I'd see again.
There are almost 100 plates and only eight have bullet holes.
That's two from Ohio, New York, Michigan and California.
Now maybe if we put them side by side then alphabeticallythere's still nothing.
I've scrambled every possible anagram and there's no pattern.
Well even if there was, it doesn't matter.
We still don't know if it's buried under Hoover's big fat nose or a big capital letter C.
What class is this for again? Geography.
Despite the blatant dissembling I won't press you; how much trouble can you get into staring at license plates? Speaking of which I look forward to our driving lesson tomorrow.
Until then I will be drowning people's dreams in a sea of red ink.
How are those lessons going anyway? Good, I got to take a leak.
Hey use the toilet okay; the hydrangeas need a break.
Have you actually seen him drive? No, he only lets my dad take him out.
Interesting.
Why are you looking through those old year books? Because if memory serves somewhere in here is proof that the emo three are in fact the locker stalkers.
You ever going to tell me what is on your laptop that's so embarrassing? You ever going to tell me what's so embarrassing about your driving? I guess we both have something to hide.
Hey, I found it! Check this out.
Look at the emoti-convicts from last year's Halloween party.
There is a scar on Rooker's thumb just like the wizard.
Dark chocolate.
Sorry Jasper.
That's okay.
It's like my grandma always says, if at first you don't succeed, cry and then try again.
Jasper, turn the light back on.
Hmm Jasper look at this! Oh Henry I don't want to play shadow puppets.
Is that a W? Yeah, yeah from the California plates.
We should stack these alphabetically.
Why? Because Michigan comes after California and before New York and Ohio.
I think I'm having another déjà vu moment.
Me too! It's the license plate on Dillinger's getaway car.
It's been in the museum, right under our noses the whole time.
Send Maggie an E-tweety text.
E-tweety text? Just tell her to meet us at the museum first thing in the morning.
Told you he wouldn't be up; he's never up early on Saturdays.
So we should have an hour with Maggie at the museum before it opens and Where do you think you're going? We're late for school.
It's Saturday.
Shoul.
He means we're late for Shoul.
Temple Beth, the bar Mitzvah? What bar Mitzvah? Christopher O'Leary.
Stein Let's go Henry.
O'Leary Stein? Still too much.
Apply the brake.
Good.
Gently.
Gent-ly.
Gently.
Okay, no, no, forward please.
Thank you.
You have forgotten the Goldilocks rule? No, not too hard, not to soft, just right.
Wrong fairytale.
You're doing the tortoise and the hare.
Look pull over.
Okay, all right.
So what's the problem? Isn't it possible there is something I'm just not very good at? Following rules, homework, remembering not to spit or belch in public - those are things you're not good at.
Driving requires awareness, acuity, reflexes, things you are good at.
It's okay Henry I know how I felt the first time I drove a car.
My parents left for the weekend and there it was, a garage like a fresh baked apple pie on a window sill.
I took it out for a joyride and as soon as I got home the transmission blew.
Your parents never found out? No.
And you never told them? As time passed it just seemed to be less and less important, but I wish I had.
Okay put it in drive and pull out and remember, not too hard, not too soft But just right.
Hey.
You're late.
Where's Henry? You know, he found a way to make trouble even when I'm not with him.
Did you find anything? I searched every inch of this car but there is nothing new.
Well, except for this label, it must be peeled off the rum bottle.
Have you ever heard of G-man rum? That's J.
Edgar Hoover, Hey hand me that magnifying glass.
Let's see what's under his nose.
That's the name of a local wrecking yard.
Must be where the big capital letter C is.
And that's probably where the money is buried.
Did you hear that? Henry? Why would Henry be whispering? Well he talks to himself a lot.
No one else knows about this right? Right? Well I mean not anyone that matters.
The victim can't be the perp unless the perp created a diversion to make people think he was a victim.
Hey what are you doing? Like Jasper said, creating a diversion.
Kind of a specialty of ours.
Milo? You were in the museum after my locker was hit.
You're the only one I told about this; you're the knuckle crackers who is hiding his hands! I don't need to see the scar on your thumb to know it's you.
It doesn't make any difference; we acetoned all the lockers so all your so-called evidence no longer exists.
Now, where's the Dillinger moolah buried Jasper? Where's my laptop Milo? I tell you that; you tell me where the capital letter C is.
Depends; did you hack my password? Maybe I did but many I didn't.
Maybe they just need a little time to think it over in private.
Come on, let's get them! Come on let us out.
That trunk is not airtight is it, because it sounds like they're faking it.
Exactly, if I was stuck in a trunk with Jasper Bartlett I'd be desperate to escape too.
Now this is what they were looking at.
Let's crack some code.
Somebody help! Mrs.
Dunsmore? Come on, please let us out.
I can't believe you told him.
I am sorry okay.
I thought he was a victim; only a psycho would lie about a Joe Mauer baseball card! Maybe there's a toddler latch in this thing.
A toddler latch? In a gangster getaway car? They didn't even have seatbelts until the 1950's.
Would you stop yelling at me; you're using up more than half your air.
Just call Henry.
Don't you dare answer that; don't even look at it.
No texting, no calls ever while operating a motor vehicle.
But what if it's important.
Nothing is more important than safety while driving.
It's just Jasper.
No doubt he wants to tell you about all the fun you're missing at the bar mitzvah.
There's a spot, parking this micro car shouldn't be too difficult.
My phone is dying and so are we.
So just out of curiosity how much oxygen is there in air compared to say the average expulsion of flatulence? Don't you dare fart.
Control yourself for once! Turn your telephone off and then back on; it should recharge.
How was that? Needs work but much closer to just right.
You want a hot chocolate or a donut? No thanks.
Uncle Brian how come you're doing all this for me when there's so much bad stuff going on at work? Because family comes first.
You know Henry sometimes the thing we fear the most isn't what we're afraid of at all.
Three months of research gone.
Zafer, what happened? I must have hit the handbrake while I was loading up.
What if Henry was in that car? I'm so sorry Rosie.
Hi Jasper.
Henry listen, the stalkers attacked us; the Wizard of Odd we're trapped in Dillinger's car trunk, there's not much air left.
What? You got to slip the trunk with something hard like you did before.
It's a terrible connection.
Try Henry, try.
Are you there Jasper? Jasper? Sea Breeze Wrecking and [inaudible.]
.
Let's go! Where's you get the car from? I said pick it up, let's go.
Goldilocks.
Too hard I kill them, too soft they suffocate.
It has to be just right.
How did you get here so fast.
I took the elevator.
The morning guard.
Hide.
Hide? How do we hide a car? He's gone.
The museum is about to open.
You have no idea how much trouble we'll be in if they find this car here.
Well I am more concerned about stopping Milo; no way he is costing Uncle Brian his job! Wait, what? We didn't want to upset you but unless there is an immediate injection of major funding your dad is being forced out of Smithson High.
That's why we have to find that money first.
Well what are we waiting for; let's go! It's Uncle Brian, I kind of left his stranded at the donut shop.
Don't' answer it.
Maybe we can get out through the gym.
Easily - good thing its Saturday morning and there's no one at school.
Turn right here, then left at the science lab.
Henry? I don't know what kind of epiphany you had but you obviously do know how to drive and I don't appreciate having to take a taxi! This place is closed on Saturdays.
We shouldn't run into anyone.
What are we looking for exactly? We're looking for a big capital letter C.
So maybe a cavern of Chevrolets or Chryslers or Cadillacs.
There, that must be it! Milo, the paint on the capital C looks kind of fresh.
Hey guys, what's going on? Those who live by the paint, die by the paint.
Let us out! Absolutely - once you find some paper, sign a full confession and return everything you have stolen starting with Jasper's laptop.
Or what? Or we make a call to some people at the US Treasury Dept.
Hey guys, over here.
Why do you think they created aliases; did they need the money? Milo, Davide and Gunther? No, they're all rich kids.
Rich kids with helicopter parents.
Their folks are chopper pilots? No, Henry it means adults who hover over their kids all the time.
It doesn't matter - rich, bored and on a leash doesn't excuse anything.
Look at this? Did you find anything? I thought so, but this pressure is too new.
What's that sound? I thought you said this place was closed! Get in, get it! Okay stay down till he leaves.
Grab that last car and you are done for the day Mac Okay what seems to be happening better not be happening! Oh no, no, no, no, no.
Come on! They're jammed shut! Please tell me you have been in this exact same situation before and have some kind of astounding escape plan? Get out, get out! Henry Griffin saves the day yet again.
My luck.
Last time I tried something like that I broke my foot.
Well we're never going to find the big C in this endless labyrinth.
There is stuff everywhere.
Huh? Capital Sea Breeze Wrecking.
It wasn't a letter at all.
Hey Jasper! You got a minute? Is that a full signed confession dictating that all items be returned intact before the weekend, my password unhacked.
Yes, and in exchange for my plea bargain you will never hold us accountable for almost suffocating you - which was totally an accident by the way.
Okay.
Except for one little diversion Wait until Eddy hears about this.
Do you guys realize we just solved a case the head of the FBI couldn't solve? Oh we solved a lot more than that.
You didn't solve anything.
This isn't going to stop any program cutbacks or keep any faculty heads off the chopping block, including Dean Bartlett.
Why not, it doesn't belong to anyone And here is why? Counterfeit.
And that's why it don't belong to no one.
Did he say how long he'd be? The Dean had an unexpected visitor this morning but he'll see you now inside.
You sure about this? Yeah, it's the end of the month; my dad needs to know I know about his job search or lack thereof.
You know the really important stuff kids should just be honest with their parents no matter the consequences - and did I really just say that? I'll wait in the hall.
Okay.
How long has he been in there? Half an hour.
He better not be telling the Dean about what we were up to last week.
Sometimes your cousin has a mouth as big as a pelican.
Oh no today was his last day.
It's fine.
It's better than fine.
It's like the finest day in the checkered history of this building.
Jasper, what are you talking about? An old man who shall remain anonymous stopped by and handed my dad the pink slip to a 1928 Mercedes Torpedo Provet.
It's worth over one million dollars.
Eddy, you big palooka, do you think the dean will let me drive it before its sold? No I don't; and he also wants to see you.
Me? What did I do? Actually it's what you haven't done, which is take your driver's license exam.
For some reason he thinks you're ready.
Hey.
Hey.
So now will you tell me what was on here? Well I kind of already did.
My life.
In a diary everything I ever felt, loved, hated, thought, dreamed is on 458 illustrated pages in this hard drive.
That's fantastic; can I see it? Absolutely not.
Once I dump this thing out of my flash drive it's going straight to my safety deposit box.
Okay so don't keep me in suspense.
Did you get your license? Unfortunately - I passed.
That's awesome.
All right, now it's your turn.
What about driving still has you more tormented than an emo pack at a Miley Cyrus concert? Stick around, there's still one more test I need to pass.
Hey mom, hey dad.
Hi [inaudible.]
Hey there's the man; Hey.
You have a confounding look on your face Henry.
I can't tell; is it good news or bad news? I passed my driver's license exam.
What? Hey kudos son! How did you master your autophobia? You know the story of Goldilocks? Well the wise papa bear taught me the difference between fear and guilt.
That makes no sense whatsoever.
It will in a minute.
Do you remember the old jeep we had in Turkministan? Yeah, the one that I wrecked; the one your mother hammered me about for a solid year? I'm the one that deserved the hammering.
There is something I should have told you guys a long time ago
Then can you please help me take down the tents? Henry? Henry? Henry! Sorry, I will slow down.
Slow down? We are still parked.
Are you sure you want to do this? Uncle Brian, I white water rafted down the Amazon's river of doubt and most of that was without a raft.
No doubt you did.
Now put the key in the ignition.
Turn it.
Good.
Now parking brake off, foot on the brake, shift into gear.
Now the gas pedal.
Remember Goldilocks - not too soft, not too hard but just right.
Now let's drive.
Hey, not so fast! The letter D is confusing.
D stands for Drive - drive means forward always means forward.
It only means forward.
But can't you technically drive backward? If it only means forward why not use an F? From the board of directors.
This is stamped confidential.
Why is it open? Someone has to stay on top of things while you are off joyriding.
Speaking of joy, morning Henry.
Those are beautiful fire garments Mrs.
Dinsmore.
Are they from Minivia or Angola? They are from the mall dear, but at least someone noticed.
Last year's budget cuts were not enough; they got to hit me with this.
Next lesson first thing tomorrow.
It's okay Uncle Brian, you're busy.
I actually like walking everywhere.
Why did you ask me to give you lessons without Jasper even knowing about it? It's an important cultural rite of passage and it would be nice for Jasper not to have to haul me around everywhere.
Henry, whatever your problem is, and I am guessing there is one, you will get over it, just like I am going to get over this somehow.
What's this? So it's down to a '66 Tornado, a '72 Road runner or a '74 Gremlin.
The first American front wheel drive of classic muscle V8 for the kitchiest ride in history.
Okay all those cars get like 0 miles per gallon.
How do you reconcile your eco-fascism with the internal combustion engine and leaded fuel? Easy; whatever I buy gets converted into running on French fry oil.
What are you guys talking about? Maggie's first car purchase.
Speaking of cars I woke up and you were gone and dad was gone and my Smart was gone and all I found was this vague little post-it note on my cereal bowl about you needing to go somewhere.
Well since the hybrid is in the shop we had to take your car.
Yeah, I know, but where? To the DMV.
Oh my god! Henry, that's great, you got your learner's permit.
Wait! Does this mean that I do not have to be your vehicle shirpa anymore? Yes as soon as I ace the exam your servitude ends.
Hang on; the kid who can do everything can't drive? Of course I can drive in 90% of the world.
Apparently you need a license for everything in this nutty country.
What's with the busted lockers? Behold, the return of the locker stalkers.
Who? A gang of masked students bag and tag thieves, the wizard of Oz hob goblin and fly boy are becoming mythic figures here as Smithson.
They used to only operate during off peak hours but I don't know, they've been getting bolder.
Sometimes striking right in the middle of the day? Hey, hey, that's my locker! They hit my locker? No, no, no.
My laptop is gone! Okay under normal circumstances I would never say this but you're faster, stronger and braver than I am so I am begging you go get my laptop.
Go, go, go! My life is on that machine! Gotcha! Hey they're headed for the museum.
Look out! Watch out for the Dillinger car.
Has anyone seen a wizard, a fly or a goblin pass through here? What kind of nut would drive their car into a museum? Oh It's an exhibit.
Sorry I lost him.
You tried.
Hey over there; I bet it's them - Raven, Rooker, and Diablo - the emoti-convicts.
I thought that troika ended last summer in a depressed hail tears and tears and mascara smears.
I guess they kissed and made up.
What's so suspicious about them? Their checkered past.
The final exam fish head incident.
Oh the fire in the tire field, that was The hacked candy machine.
Actually that was me.
Everything in there was way past its 'sell by' date.
I mean those three definitely put the cow on the roof.
Then why are they still going to school here? No proof, but if you bust them, can you try to get my card back? They stole your credit card.
My rookie autographed Joe Mauer baseball card.
To Milo, keep up the straight A's, your pal Joe.
Ever since it was stolen I stopped getting straight A's.
Well we'll get it back.
We'll get everything back - right Henry? Does anybody smell that potent stench? Well there goes the nose again.
Don't touch that, that's a display.
Henry! Something is leaking.
It's probably just oil or gasoline.
I smell alcohol.
Get your face out of that gangster mobile! Bottoms up G-man.
Say hi to your doggie you will never get me or that moolah, even though it's right under your big fat nose.
Signed - John Dillinger.
Henry you found a greeting card to J.
Edgar Hoover from John Dillinger.
Were they good buds? Buds? They were like good versus evil.
Cop against cook, order battling disorder.
Hoover was the head of the FBI.
He personally declared John Dillinger public enemy #1.
They hated each other.
Mula, as in the Islamic Religious Advisor? Not Mula, moolah, as in scratch, scrilla, Benjamin's, chedda.
Moolah is cheese? Moolah is a 20th century term for money.
There must have been a lot of it if he was taunting Hoover with it.
July 20, 1934, that was just a day or two before Dillinger was shot and killed by FBI agents.
Guess he never got a chance to mail it.
Wait; if he never sent it then that means that Hoover never got it, which means that that the, whatever you call it - 'mullet' might still be lying around someplace.
Maybe not someplace.
The notes said the money was right under Hoover's nose.
Look at this.
Recognize the address? Oh, I am so having a déjà vu right now.
That's because it's the address of our school.
Smithson was not just always a school; it was a civil war hospital, a convent, a mental ward and for one short year, offices of the FBI.
Well it says here that Hoover's office was room 131a.
No problem - all we have to do is find that room.
Actually that's a problem.
Why do you always say that? Well there is no such room number.
Oh come on; even you could not possibly know all the rooms at Smithson.
Jasper, must I? Is this really Hoover and his dog? Circa 1930.
Same year as these remodeled floor plans, when there was a room 131a.
What do we get? The current occupant of J.
Edgar Hoover's office is Uncle Brian.
How long will he be gone? Staff meetings last about 55 minutes.
Well what about? Mrs.
Dunsmore.
She is always there first to take roll call.
Come on, we're in the clear.
We're actually here to de-frag my dad's computer.
You see he was really embarrassed that he didn't know how to do it on his own.
Please Mrs.
Dunsmore, don't miss your meeting just because his computer needs defrosting.
Defrosting.
Henry you're adorable.
You're so adorable that I don't even care how inappropriate this is.
Ohoh Okay.
If we find any money who gets to keep it.
Depends on the salvage laws.
If it's found on school property it might belong to the school.
Why? The report says there is no money for the music program.
And no more job for the dean.
Henry, unless this school gets an immediate injection of major funding by the end of the month they're not renewing Dean Bartlett's contract.
He'll be let go.
Speedy Bozo? Actually that's a Cairn Terrier.
Dillinger's note to Hoover mentioned his dog didn't it? Yeah, say hello to your little doggie for me.
Well what do these look like? Possible terrier toe nail markings.
But why do they end at the wall? Maybe he wanted to be with his master.
Shut a pet out of a room he will keep trying to get in.
There's a room behind this wall.
Right under his big fat nose! This place was specially built so no one could hear you scream.
This must be Hoover's secret interrogation chamber.
So that means that Dillinger probably didn't know about it and this is a dead end.
Maybe not; take a look at this.
It's recording of case 628C1, the people versus John Herbert Dillinger.
Put him in a chair, make sure he's comfortable.
Turn on the lamp, light him up.
You.
So you know who I am? Sure.
And you're much prettier in person Mrs.
Roosevelt.
I am J.
Edgar Hoover, head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
You got the wrong [inaudible.]
.
I am nothing but a private law-abiding citizen.
Nothing about you is private anymore.
I can now legally identify with your own fingerprints.
You're Edward Z.
McIntosh, aged fifteen if you make it to September.
And you're the personal driver of John H.
Dillinger.
Public Enemy #1, last month you drove Mr.
Dillinger to the Hayworth Adams hotel where he took possession of a suitcase filled with US currency.
Where is it now? Listen, that dough don't belong to no one! Alright.
Not the banks, not that bug eyed Betty he's keeping and not you! And to whom does this belong? Your mother misses you Eddy; she wants you to come home, take up music again.
Now where's the money Eddy? Not my instrument - it's the only thing in this whole stinking world that means anything to me.
Should have listened to your mother Eddy.
Mother always knows best.
No, please no! No! Please no! Hoover cut off his instrument? If you mean this instrument, yes.
He said the money doesn't belong to anybody.
If that's true we can give it to the school.
We need to find out everything we can about Eddy McIntosh.
You know what; I am going to meet you guys in the doom rooms.
I just have to check something out first.
I don't know Henry, that's weird.
Bad vibrations.
You feel it too? I'm talking about Jasper's blasé attitude about finding a fortune; not just any fortune John Dillinger's lost heist money! Sh! Don't shush me, we're alone.
I'm not so sure about that.
Go ahead, I need to check something out.
As usual the girl gets the grunt work.
Wet paint! You have something that belongs to my cousin.
Where's Jasper's laptop? Let's tag him.
Oh no, not again! They have been concealing themselves in empty lockers that's so they know when to make their move.
You cowards! Ducking into lockers and hiding behind masks, all so they can invade people's privacy! Well you know what; two can play at that game.
What did you have in mind? I'm going to do what the FBI would do; I am going to invade their privacy.
You got to help Maggie with the Dillinger case, I got this one.
What are you doing now Fartlett? That's J.
Asper Bartlett to you scum.
Hands in the air; show me your digitus primus.
Thumbs up, now.
As much as I actually applaud the weirdness of your request? That's the only digit you are going to get from me.
Prepare to have your wand snapped wizard! Oh Jasper, don't you think that my locker has been through enough? No Milo, it's just a little bit of graphite powder from an old FBI fingerprint kit.
I'm going all crime scene on the locker stalkers.
Does it actually work? For something without a microprocessor it's shockingly effective.
I have lifted prints off most of the tag lockers.
Hm, looks like the wizard of odds has a boo-boo on his thumb.
Oh, it's Maggie; she is hot on the trail for the moolah.
You know actually I got to go Milo.
What now? What could be more important than getting our stuff back? Well it's kind of a long story, I can't really say.
Hey your dad works for the Treasury Department doesn't he? Yeah, mom too.
Why? It has to do with money, really, really old money.
Can you keep a secret? Hey! Where have you been? You have heard of Scar Face? Well I am hot on the trail of Scar Thumb.
Where's Henry? In the gangster era archives, no doubt unearthing some fascinating but ultimately worthless document.
Meanwhile I am searching national, international databases for Eddy McIntosh's death certificate.
No need for that high tech detective stuff; this book has everything in it.
The telephone book? Take a look at this.
Edward Z.
McIntosh is still alive and living right here in the city.
Hello? Mr.
McIntosh? Hello? Whoa, no way! Back off the [inaudible.]
.
I knew it was a drill.
Are you Edward Z.
McIntosh? Well that all depends who is asking.
I don't talk to no crime fetish bloggers.
That's why you're here right to ask me questions about the famous John Dillinger? We just have one question; what ever happened to the money? We heard the recordings of Hoover interrogating you in 1934.
Well why don't you all get out of here huh? Leave the past where it belongs.
I mean it! Go on, get out of here.
We're sorry, we did not mean to upset you.
Yeah? But in case it means anything I believe this is yours.
Hey kids? Wait up.
A Mercedes Benz model S Torpedo Provet and you got to drive it? You know I drove all kinds of cars for all sorts of swells.
How old were you when you learned to drive? Eight.
Eight? See back then in the roaring twenties you did not need a license to drive.
All you needed was guts and gumption and no fear of nothing or nobody.
Kind of like you boy.
So you kids are really looking for this money to build out your school's music program, right? That and a lot more.
All right, okay.
Here's all I know.
The boss Dillinger got himself a suitcase packed with $600,000 smackers and then he says he is going to drive Hoover nuts looking for the money that don't belong to no one.
I don't understand that.
How can that much money not belong to anyone? I've been trying to figure that one out for 75 years.
That and what he meant when he said that he was going to bury it under this big capital C.
Capital C like the third letter of the alphabet? Your school could really use more funds couldn't it? Okay, hey for whatever it's worth I'm going to give you something.
There it is.
This is for you.
License plates? That's what the boss left me in his will.
Now listen; there is supposed to be a riddle and a solution to where the money is hidden.
Now heck if I've ever been able to figure it out but maybe you can.
Thank you.
Well, well, well, well.
You are one old friend I never thought I'd see again.
There are almost 100 plates and only eight have bullet holes.
That's two from Ohio, New York, Michigan and California.
Now maybe if we put them side by side then alphabeticallythere's still nothing.
I've scrambled every possible anagram and there's no pattern.
Well even if there was, it doesn't matter.
We still don't know if it's buried under Hoover's big fat nose or a big capital letter C.
What class is this for again? Geography.
Despite the blatant dissembling I won't press you; how much trouble can you get into staring at license plates? Speaking of which I look forward to our driving lesson tomorrow.
Until then I will be drowning people's dreams in a sea of red ink.
How are those lessons going anyway? Good, I got to take a leak.
Hey use the toilet okay; the hydrangeas need a break.
Have you actually seen him drive? No, he only lets my dad take him out.
Interesting.
Why are you looking through those old year books? Because if memory serves somewhere in here is proof that the emo three are in fact the locker stalkers.
You ever going to tell me what is on your laptop that's so embarrassing? You ever going to tell me what's so embarrassing about your driving? I guess we both have something to hide.
Hey, I found it! Check this out.
Look at the emoti-convicts from last year's Halloween party.
There is a scar on Rooker's thumb just like the wizard.
Dark chocolate.
Sorry Jasper.
That's okay.
It's like my grandma always says, if at first you don't succeed, cry and then try again.
Jasper, turn the light back on.
Hmm Jasper look at this! Oh Henry I don't want to play shadow puppets.
Is that a W? Yeah, yeah from the California plates.
We should stack these alphabetically.
Why? Because Michigan comes after California and before New York and Ohio.
I think I'm having another déjà vu moment.
Me too! It's the license plate on Dillinger's getaway car.
It's been in the museum, right under our noses the whole time.
Send Maggie an E-tweety text.
E-tweety text? Just tell her to meet us at the museum first thing in the morning.
Told you he wouldn't be up; he's never up early on Saturdays.
So we should have an hour with Maggie at the museum before it opens and Where do you think you're going? We're late for school.
It's Saturday.
Shoul.
He means we're late for Shoul.
Temple Beth, the bar Mitzvah? What bar Mitzvah? Christopher O'Leary.
Stein Let's go Henry.
O'Leary Stein? Still too much.
Apply the brake.
Good.
Gently.
Gent-ly.
Gently.
Okay, no, no, forward please.
Thank you.
You have forgotten the Goldilocks rule? No, not too hard, not to soft, just right.
Wrong fairytale.
You're doing the tortoise and the hare.
Look pull over.
Okay, all right.
So what's the problem? Isn't it possible there is something I'm just not very good at? Following rules, homework, remembering not to spit or belch in public - those are things you're not good at.
Driving requires awareness, acuity, reflexes, things you are good at.
It's okay Henry I know how I felt the first time I drove a car.
My parents left for the weekend and there it was, a garage like a fresh baked apple pie on a window sill.
I took it out for a joyride and as soon as I got home the transmission blew.
Your parents never found out? No.
And you never told them? As time passed it just seemed to be less and less important, but I wish I had.
Okay put it in drive and pull out and remember, not too hard, not too soft But just right.
Hey.
You're late.
Where's Henry? You know, he found a way to make trouble even when I'm not with him.
Did you find anything? I searched every inch of this car but there is nothing new.
Well, except for this label, it must be peeled off the rum bottle.
Have you ever heard of G-man rum? That's J.
Edgar Hoover, Hey hand me that magnifying glass.
Let's see what's under his nose.
That's the name of a local wrecking yard.
Must be where the big capital letter C is.
And that's probably where the money is buried.
Did you hear that? Henry? Why would Henry be whispering? Well he talks to himself a lot.
No one else knows about this right? Right? Well I mean not anyone that matters.
The victim can't be the perp unless the perp created a diversion to make people think he was a victim.
Hey what are you doing? Like Jasper said, creating a diversion.
Kind of a specialty of ours.
Milo? You were in the museum after my locker was hit.
You're the only one I told about this; you're the knuckle crackers who is hiding his hands! I don't need to see the scar on your thumb to know it's you.
It doesn't make any difference; we acetoned all the lockers so all your so-called evidence no longer exists.
Now, where's the Dillinger moolah buried Jasper? Where's my laptop Milo? I tell you that; you tell me where the capital letter C is.
Depends; did you hack my password? Maybe I did but many I didn't.
Maybe they just need a little time to think it over in private.
Come on, let's get them! Come on let us out.
That trunk is not airtight is it, because it sounds like they're faking it.
Exactly, if I was stuck in a trunk with Jasper Bartlett I'd be desperate to escape too.
Now this is what they were looking at.
Let's crack some code.
Somebody help! Mrs.
Dunsmore? Come on, please let us out.
I can't believe you told him.
I am sorry okay.
I thought he was a victim; only a psycho would lie about a Joe Mauer baseball card! Maybe there's a toddler latch in this thing.
A toddler latch? In a gangster getaway car? They didn't even have seatbelts until the 1950's.
Would you stop yelling at me; you're using up more than half your air.
Just call Henry.
Don't you dare answer that; don't even look at it.
No texting, no calls ever while operating a motor vehicle.
But what if it's important.
Nothing is more important than safety while driving.
It's just Jasper.
No doubt he wants to tell you about all the fun you're missing at the bar mitzvah.
There's a spot, parking this micro car shouldn't be too difficult.
My phone is dying and so are we.
So just out of curiosity how much oxygen is there in air compared to say the average expulsion of flatulence? Don't you dare fart.
Control yourself for once! Turn your telephone off and then back on; it should recharge.
How was that? Needs work but much closer to just right.
You want a hot chocolate or a donut? No thanks.
Uncle Brian how come you're doing all this for me when there's so much bad stuff going on at work? Because family comes first.
You know Henry sometimes the thing we fear the most isn't what we're afraid of at all.
Three months of research gone.
Zafer, what happened? I must have hit the handbrake while I was loading up.
What if Henry was in that car? I'm so sorry Rosie.
Hi Jasper.
Henry listen, the stalkers attacked us; the Wizard of Odd we're trapped in Dillinger's car trunk, there's not much air left.
What? You got to slip the trunk with something hard like you did before.
It's a terrible connection.
Try Henry, try.
Are you there Jasper? Jasper? Sea Breeze Wrecking and [inaudible.]
.
Let's go! Where's you get the car from? I said pick it up, let's go.
Goldilocks.
Too hard I kill them, too soft they suffocate.
It has to be just right.
How did you get here so fast.
I took the elevator.
The morning guard.
Hide.
Hide? How do we hide a car? He's gone.
The museum is about to open.
You have no idea how much trouble we'll be in if they find this car here.
Well I am more concerned about stopping Milo; no way he is costing Uncle Brian his job! Wait, what? We didn't want to upset you but unless there is an immediate injection of major funding your dad is being forced out of Smithson High.
That's why we have to find that money first.
Well what are we waiting for; let's go! It's Uncle Brian, I kind of left his stranded at the donut shop.
Don't' answer it.
Maybe we can get out through the gym.
Easily - good thing its Saturday morning and there's no one at school.
Turn right here, then left at the science lab.
Henry? I don't know what kind of epiphany you had but you obviously do know how to drive and I don't appreciate having to take a taxi! This place is closed on Saturdays.
We shouldn't run into anyone.
What are we looking for exactly? We're looking for a big capital letter C.
So maybe a cavern of Chevrolets or Chryslers or Cadillacs.
There, that must be it! Milo, the paint on the capital C looks kind of fresh.
Hey guys, what's going on? Those who live by the paint, die by the paint.
Let us out! Absolutely - once you find some paper, sign a full confession and return everything you have stolen starting with Jasper's laptop.
Or what? Or we make a call to some people at the US Treasury Dept.
Hey guys, over here.
Why do you think they created aliases; did they need the money? Milo, Davide and Gunther? No, they're all rich kids.
Rich kids with helicopter parents.
Their folks are chopper pilots? No, Henry it means adults who hover over their kids all the time.
It doesn't matter - rich, bored and on a leash doesn't excuse anything.
Look at this? Did you find anything? I thought so, but this pressure is too new.
What's that sound? I thought you said this place was closed! Get in, get it! Okay stay down till he leaves.
Grab that last car and you are done for the day Mac Okay what seems to be happening better not be happening! Oh no, no, no, no, no.
Come on! They're jammed shut! Please tell me you have been in this exact same situation before and have some kind of astounding escape plan? Get out, get out! Henry Griffin saves the day yet again.
My luck.
Last time I tried something like that I broke my foot.
Well we're never going to find the big C in this endless labyrinth.
There is stuff everywhere.
Huh? Capital Sea Breeze Wrecking.
It wasn't a letter at all.
Hey Jasper! You got a minute? Is that a full signed confession dictating that all items be returned intact before the weekend, my password unhacked.
Yes, and in exchange for my plea bargain you will never hold us accountable for almost suffocating you - which was totally an accident by the way.
Okay.
Except for one little diversion Wait until Eddy hears about this.
Do you guys realize we just solved a case the head of the FBI couldn't solve? Oh we solved a lot more than that.
You didn't solve anything.
This isn't going to stop any program cutbacks or keep any faculty heads off the chopping block, including Dean Bartlett.
Why not, it doesn't belong to anyone And here is why? Counterfeit.
And that's why it don't belong to no one.
Did he say how long he'd be? The Dean had an unexpected visitor this morning but he'll see you now inside.
You sure about this? Yeah, it's the end of the month; my dad needs to know I know about his job search or lack thereof.
You know the really important stuff kids should just be honest with their parents no matter the consequences - and did I really just say that? I'll wait in the hall.
Okay.
How long has he been in there? Half an hour.
He better not be telling the Dean about what we were up to last week.
Sometimes your cousin has a mouth as big as a pelican.
Oh no today was his last day.
It's fine.
It's better than fine.
It's like the finest day in the checkered history of this building.
Jasper, what are you talking about? An old man who shall remain anonymous stopped by and handed my dad the pink slip to a 1928 Mercedes Torpedo Provet.
It's worth over one million dollars.
Eddy, you big palooka, do you think the dean will let me drive it before its sold? No I don't; and he also wants to see you.
Me? What did I do? Actually it's what you haven't done, which is take your driver's license exam.
For some reason he thinks you're ready.
Hey.
Hey.
So now will you tell me what was on here? Well I kind of already did.
My life.
In a diary everything I ever felt, loved, hated, thought, dreamed is on 458 illustrated pages in this hard drive.
That's fantastic; can I see it? Absolutely not.
Once I dump this thing out of my flash drive it's going straight to my safety deposit box.
Okay so don't keep me in suspense.
Did you get your license? Unfortunately - I passed.
That's awesome.
All right, now it's your turn.
What about driving still has you more tormented than an emo pack at a Miley Cyrus concert? Stick around, there's still one more test I need to pass.
Hey mom, hey dad.
Hi [inaudible.]
Hey there's the man; Hey.
You have a confounding look on your face Henry.
I can't tell; is it good news or bad news? I passed my driver's license exam.
What? Hey kudos son! How did you master your autophobia? You know the story of Goldilocks? Well the wise papa bear taught me the difference between fear and guilt.
That makes no sense whatsoever.
It will in a minute.
Do you remember the old jeep we had in Turkministan? Yeah, the one that I wrecked; the one your mother hammered me about for a solid year? I'm the one that deserved the hammering.
There is something I should have told you guys a long time ago