Up All Night (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

Hi, honey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Ooh, got the, uh The old birthing plan.
UpTo page eighteen.
Wow.
Yeah, well, planning exactly how this is gonna go is the only thing that is relaxing me right now.
I mean, I can't drink, I can't exercise, sex has become borderline repulsive, so Oh, God, because of me, not because of you, baby.
You look great.
Thanks.
You don't think I'm too brown Okay, that's enough.
Um, did you get the birthing DVD? - Yes.
- Yes.
She doesn't look very happy.
Does this woman not own a hairbrush? Or a razor? Someone help a sister out.
Oh, God, it's all so natural.
How old is this, honey? I'm ashamed to admit it, but a little part of me thought this might actually be kinda sexy.
Oh, it is not.
It is so not.
- Oh! - Oh, God! - Oh! - Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, God, it's like hair coming out of hair.
Oh, my God.
Turn it off.
Turn it off.
I don't know where the thing is, but turn it off.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
So, Libby, tell me, at what point were you 100% certain that you were pregnant? Well, I had no idea I was pregnant.
Then I went to the bathroom, and I said to myself, "Libby, you better get off this toilet, you're having a baby.
" And all that time, you never felt tired or bigger? I felt fantastic the whole time.
That's amazing.
I call bull.
And that's our show.
Barry, why don't you tell the viewers where they can go to find out more about this incredible story.
H-t-t-p colon-backslash-backslash the-Ava-show-dot-com backslash-info-underscore Can we get a new Internet guy? I mean, Barry is on my last nerve.
I mean, even my driver could do a better job.
Ava, y-you are not wrong.
A-and you need to be tweeting more.
Calvin, I was using you as an absurd example.
And while we're on the subject, Missy, can you cut your hair, please? We are neither in a little house, nor on a prairie.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Great show.
Yeah.
I hope we don't find any stray babies in the ladies' room.
Just find it hard to believe that someone would not know they're pregnant.
I wouldn't know you were pregnant.
From behind, you can't even tell.
Except for your fee My feet? It's okay, Missy.
They're swollen.
I can actually hear water in there.
But you know what? All in all, I've been pretty lucky with this pregnancy.
You know? I didn't have any morning sickness.
I have no stretch marks.
No freaky cravings, no heartburn, no night sweats Hey, attention, everybody! In five minutes, we are gonna meet in the conference room to discuss what happens before I leave, okay? For what? Where are you going? Honey.
I'm having a baby in two weeks.
You must accept this now, and stop pretending that I just got fat.
Oh, tubby, tubby, tubby.
All right, come on, everybody, let's do this.
Uh, I just wanna talk about what happens - when the baby comes.
- What, you breathe all weird, you call your husband a bastard, and a baby pops out.
Am I right? Nicely done, Ava.
No, I am talking about production.
So I sent you all a document of what the chain of command is gonna be when I'm gone.
So let me see by a show of hands who has read that document.
Okay, good.
Now raise your hands if you are unsure of your place in the chain of command.
Ava, you are the head of the chain of command.
I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that this is all happening so soon.
We've known for nine months.
Now we just wait until we go to the hospital.
Hospitals I will give you $50,000 to have your baby at a hotel.
You know what? If you have it at Caesar's in Vegas, I can get you full spa access.
No, honey, you're gonna be there at the hospital.
I'm just kidding.
I'm your best friend, of course I'm gonna be there.
Well, technically we could go to trial, if you want to.
But I gotta tell you, I'm sitting with my client right now, and you do not want to put this poor sick woman in front of a jury.
I tell you what, if I were you, I'd huddle up with your team, and get back to us by the end of business.
If they settle, they're gonna make you partner by summer.
Yeah, 'cept for I'm gonna be on paternity leave.
Dude, last guy to take his full paternity was Frank.
Frank.
See? You don't even remember.
They disappeared him.
It's like he never even happened.
Oh, my God, yeah.
I don't know, man.
You know what? Call me crazy, but I'm actually really looking forward to my paternity leave.
I mean, my dad never did anything like that.
- He wasn't even around at all.
- What are you gonna do? You gonna give up your identity to stay home and change diapers? They're calling to settle.
It's Chris.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Great.
Thanks.
Ha-ha! Well? I, uh, I gotta go.
Reagan's in labor.
I mean, this is unbelievable.
I'm about to be a dad.
I'm assuming it's mine, right? Of course it's mine, what am I talking about? Of course it It's not gonna be Oh, my God, I just put the stapler into my thing.
Stupid Chris, they're gonna have a stapler No, I'll take it just in case.
Oh, my God.
This is really happening.
Congratulations, man.
This is great.
So should we, uh, hug or high-five it? I think I need a hug.
Okay.
A-ha, there it is, man.
I'll see you next week.
Don't be a Frank.
Back it up, people.
Back it up.
This baby is gonna blow out any second.
There will be cervix everywhere.
Ava, you need to calm down, okay? Everything is under control, all right? Babe, what's going on? I brought a stapler, so we're good on that.
She's crowning! Oh, God, she's crowning.
Okay, I'm not crowning.
Shh, I'm not crowning.
That does not happen till step 22 of the birth plan.
I'm sorry.
I'm just, I'm panicking.
A little bit.
I'm panicking.
How do you feel? I feel good.
No, I feel good.
I think, ink most people would feel really nervous in this situation, but I feel, I feelI feel right.
You are incredible.
Because panic is not an option right now.
Let's dilate.
Let's do it, you know what I mean? Mucus! Blood! Placenta! You know what? Screaming out birth words is not very helpful.
It's not helpful.
- Let's go to the hospital.
- No, we have to go home first.
You know, I don't have my socks, I don't have my iPad, - I don't have my headband-- - your headband? Yes, if I sweat, my hair gets frizzy.
Just because I'm in labor does not mean I have to look like I gave myself a home perm.
I will go to your house, I will get your stuff for you.
Take my limo.
You're in good hands.
I helped my mother give birth.
I know that can mess a brother up, but I thought it was beautiful.
Yeah, okay.
Hey, listen.
My bag is already packed.
It's in the bedroom.
Double-check the headband.
Don't you worry, I've got everything under control.
All right, move it on out.
Barry, move! It's not about you right now.
Oh, God! So They're still gonna give you three months off, right? Yes, although mark says I should maybe make it a couple weeks, maybe even less.
There was this guy Frank that I think I was actually in his wedding Oh, my God.
Honey.
This is the last moment of our lives without kids.
Right here.
In this limousine.
You're right.
Wow.
Well, we should, we should do something really wild and irresponsible, don't you think? Yes, although I feel like drugs and sex are probably out of the question.
I know! I know, I know.
Let's stick our heads outside of this, the sun roof thingy, and scream at the top of our lungs, you wanna do it? Yeah, of course.
Like a couple of drunken prom dates.
Whoo-hoo! Ahh, and there's a contraction.
- Whoo! - I'm gonna "whoo" from down here, honey.
- Whoo! - Whoo! Okay, we've got Reagan's bag.
Let's get to the hospital.
Yes, but first, let's bake them a "welcome home" cake, and maybe we should probably vacuum.
Ava, I think you're stalling to avoid going to the hospital.
Oh, no, see, I don't do hospitals.
All those germs and super-viruses.
I just think that antibiotics are making them stronger, Missy.
But I've seen you eat food from the recycling.
- What's your point? - Ava.
I don't think you're afraid of going to the hospital.
I think you're afraid of what's happening in the hospital.
Missy, you're right.
I am scared.
You probably wouldn't understand because you're a normal, Midwestern, non-creative type.
You think I don't have issues? I haven't cut my hair since the seventh grade.
So this hair was on your head when Tupac was alive? Ava I know you're scared.
I'm scared.
But if you go to the hospital to be with Reagan, I'll cut my hair.
No, you won't.
Anything but a mullet or a "Rachel" from friends.
Oh, yeah! Was that a really big one? Yeah.
They're getting closer now.
Oh, hi, ma'am? We're having a baby.
Guess you're about to be part of our big special day, the three of us.
- Lemme get you a wheelchair.
- Hey! Look who it is! What are you doing here, neighbors? Well, we're having a baby, gene.
Welcome to the baby club! Bet you're real nervous, huh? No, no, I'm good.
Just, you know, been, uh, been knowing that I was gonna have a natural birth - the whole time-- - ha! No pain killers.
Good luck.
Yeah.
Well, that's in our birth plan.
Ha! Birth plan! Our first one took Pure agony.
It's worse than they tell ya.
- And the tearing.
- Yeah.
Oh, but this one came out like it was on a slide.
Had to oil up my catcher's mitt.
Poof! Strike! - Gross! - God.
- Great to see you guys.
- Oh.
Oh.
Did you do it? Do I look cute? Yeah Great! Let's go.
Ava? No.
I can't do it.
I'm not going to the hospital.
I'm sorry.
We had a deal.
And you ruined my hair, didn't you? Yeah.
Get in the car.
We're going to the hospital.
You're fired.
No, I'm not.
Listen to me, b-word.
Get your sweet a-word in the car.
You're going to help your friend.
F-word! Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Ow! Ow! I don't know about you, but I feel super vulnerable like this.
Yeah? Try it with your pants off.
Oh, God! Babe, are you sure you're okay? You don't want me to get No, I'm good.
I'm awesome.
God, where's Dr.
Goldberg? Well, I'm sure she's on her way by now.
- Don't worry about it.
- Mr.
and Mrs.
Brinkley? - Huh? - Oh, hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, yeah, sorry, we're actually waiting for Dr.
Goldberg.
Dr.
Ruth Goldberg.
So Unfortunately, she's in delivery with triplets today.
I'm Dr.
Goddard.
I'll be handling your delivery.
Can you excuse us for just one second, please? Thank you.
- What's wrong, dear? - Okay.
That doctorIs gorgeous.
Yeah, no, I know.
He's, like, Dutch or something.
- Is there a problem? - Um - Yeah, actually, there is.
- Well, I mean, it's not Yeah, I'm gonnaI'm gonna level with you, here, uh Doctor, you, um You are very good looking.
You are a good looking guy.
I mean, your teeth are crazy off-the-charts Thank you.
That's very kind of you.
So here's the deal.
There is no way in hell that I am gonna have you up in my business - when things get real, okay? - We saw a video where things got very real.
We're still really recovering.
When I start pushing, things are gonna get real-real.
I think we all know what I'm talking about.
I think she's talking about poop.
Which is why I want a female doctor, so that I am comfortable in an already very delicate situation.
So you can [Clicking tongue.]
, - and go find me a woman.
- Quick question.
Do we--do we even have a choice in this matter? No.
Sorry.
Right, okay.
So, babe, let's just give him the birth plan.
He's a--come on, what are we going to do?--He's a doctor.
It's fine, I'm sure he knows This is very thorough.
It's north of 30 pages.
If I [Bleep.]
Myself, nobody says a word, got it? Got it.
- But do you got it? - Babe I-I got it.
How we doing, babe? How we doing? I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good oh, there I go, okay.
Oh! - You okay? - I'm good.
Yeah, the doctors said it was gonna take five hours.
I'm gonna do it in two.
I'm doing it in two.
All right, babe, but it doesn't matter.
It's not a competition.
You can always get an epidural, you don't need to be a hero No, I am 100% sure I am not getting an epidural.
Okay? We are sticking to the plan.
- Reagan, I'm here.
- Oh, finally, gosh.
- I brought your bag.
- Thank you, thank you.
I am so sorry I haven't been there for you - because I'm afraid.
- Okay.
And not just of hospitals.
But I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to help.
But I want to, so first thing's first, you look like you're a little bit uncomfortable.
- Yeah.
- So if it gets to be too much, I have a joint in my purse.
Yeah, that's gonna be a no on the toke of grass, honey.
- But thank you.
- Yeah.
- Where's my headband? - What headband? She specifically asked you for a headband.
You want a headband? I can get you a headband.
I will get you the finest headband, and, just in case, I'm gonna leave this pen right here on the table.
It's the pot.
- Yeah, we got it.
- Yeah, we know.
Ow! Baby, you sure you don't want the epidural? No pain killers! Ah, I feel so much better.
Like, hello.
So much better, honey.
Why did I wait so long? I was trying to tell you.
I mean, lots of women get epidurals, you know? Of course! Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama and Amelia Earhart.
We gotta find her.
That your phone? - Hey, dude.
- That mark? Is that mark? - Great.
- Tell mark our doctor's hot.
And that it's really awkward.
But I've, I've come to grips with it.
Listen, I, uh, I gotta go.
I, uh, I'll see you next week.
Okay.
Great.
Well, I'm gonna check you again, but I think we're about ready to start pushing.
Reagan, you ready? Oh, you just brace yourself there, pretty boy, 'cause this baby is gonna shoot out like a cannonball, okay? I am gonna be the best pusher you ever saw.
Eight, nine, ten.
Good, that's great.
That was a good one.
I can do better.
No, I can do better than that.
You're doing great, babe.
You're doing great.
All right.
Tell me when the next contraction is, because I want to get this baby out in four pushes or less.
Would you like the mirror? You can see everything that's going on.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- That'd be amazing.
- That'd be great.
- We can see her come out.
- And watch her come out.
- That would be so good.
- Oh, honey.
Reagan, get ready to push.
Okay, here we go, ready? One, two, three - Oh, no, no, no! - Oh, God.
No, no, no! No mirror! No mirror! No mirror! No mirror! - Nobody ever should see that.
- Oh, God.
Tell her I said good luck.
Thank you for all your help.
And your hair looks kind of cute.
Sir, you can't park here.
Ambulance only.
Move it along, mister.
Thanks, bro.
Oh, God.
Pushing's not working, Mrs.
Brinkley.
Baby's head may be too big.
I'm recommending a c-section.
No, thank you.
Actually, it's not optional.
Well, that's not in the plan.
I plan on having a baby with a normal-sized head.
Not my husband's enormous freakin' head.
Sorry, honey.
So Shall I continue to push? Hey, doctor, you wanna give us a minute? Actually, doc, you can go home, 'cause this isn't happening today.
'Cause I-I gotta go.
Yeah, I gotta go.
We'll just come back tomorrow when we can do this in the right way, right, honey? So why don't you, uh, go outside and pull the car around because it's not gonna happen.
It's not gonna happen.
Honey, honey.
Don't do this.
Not a good idea.
Excuse me, honey, I'm a grownup.
I'm an adult person.
And I am a producer of quality television programming.
So I will decide what will and will not happen, and a c-section is not happening, okay? Babe, you've gotta let go of the plan.
No, you don't understand, the plan is the only thing that is keeping me from complete chaos right now.
Oh, honey, our lives are changing forever.
Do you understand that? I mean, we drank a $9 bottle of wine, and now there's another human being on the earth.
Babe.
Do you understand what's about to happen to my body? It's insane, okay? We saw the video.
It's, it's a horror-show! I know you didn't want any of this to happen, and this is not going according to plan, but that's okay.
Now we gotta listen to the doctor, okay? I'm here, sweetheart.
Everything's gonna be fine.
We're gonna get through this together.
Are you guys ready? Yeah.
Oh, now I feel it coming back again like a rolling thunder chasing the wind I can feel it Honey, you can keep your clothes on.
Are you sure? They weren't really clear about that.
- What are you doing out here? - Hey.
I got her the headband.
Listen, Reagan's gonna have a c-section.
- What? - Yeah, it's okay.
They said the baby's head is too big, so A-are you okay? Well, in five minutes, they're gonna operate on my wife in front of me, and then they're gonna pull out a human person all covered in Gore, and I'm gonna be a father, and how the hell am I supposed to wow.
Why did you do that? I don't know.
As soon as it happened, I regretted the choice.
But you can do this.
You have always taken care of Reagan, and she is not easy like me.
Now just go in there and take care of her, Chris.
- Okay.
- And here.
Will you give her this headband? It's absolutely gorgeous.
- Hey, thanks, Ava.
- My pleasure.
Love you guys.
Oh, okay Oh All right, you gotta go in there, sweetie.
Yeah, right.
Hey, look, babe.
Hi.
Thanks.
I love you, too.
Love you, too.
Ma'am, you need to come with me, please.
Babe, you gotta promise me you're not gonna look over that curtain, okay? 'Cause if you look over that curtain, you're not gonna look at me the same way again.
- I won't look, I promise.
- Okay.
Mrs.
Brinkley? We usually have music playing.
Do you have any preference? Our birth mix, but we don't have it, so I-IWhatever you have, that's fine.
- W-wait, it's on my iPhone.
- It is? I have my iPhone.
Wait, wait, wait.
- It's already pre-loaded.
- Oh, gosh, oh, thank you.
Something that's going with the plan.
Oh, wait, that's my workout mix.
- That's my workout mix.
- Honey, it, it's It's okay.
Daddy, get your camera ready.
- Really? - Oh, my gosh.
All right, okay.
Wow.
What? What is it? Is it bad? Is it gross? Am I gross? No.
You're the most beautiful thing in the whole world, and I love you so much.
I love you, too.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
You've got a grip.
You're strong, that's what you are.
Hey, mark, it's Chris.
I'm not gonna make it in next week.
In fact, it might be a while.
Okay.