Vikingane (2016) s01e06 Episode Script

1
I know it's one of you.
The hard part
is that he looks like a woman.
He's very feminine.
Such a disagreeable
character.
Look what we have here.
Orm.
- No!
- Orm, Orm, Orm.
Such a great master of
disguise.
But you can't hide your nut sack
with makeup and a costume.
Jarl Varg?
We found a secret exit.
Orm has escaped.
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
What is it?
- What is it?
- I have a stitch.
- A stitch?
- I can't be sure.
Okay, we haven't exactly gotten
very far from the village.
Maybe we should
The stitch is eating me up inside.
I can't walk a step more.
- You can do that.
- No.
A stitch isn't that painful!
I'm known far and wide for my
extremely high pain threshold.
Are you?
But this hurts. They say that stitches
are more painful than childbirth.
So we're staying here.
If there is one person I never thought
would manage to escape, it's Orm.
He can't have gone far.
Just one thing.
What happened down there
If you think I was involved in
some sort of homosexual activity,
you couldn't be more wrong.
Passionate sex with another man?
Doesn't get more gay than that, does it?
Sure, but what's important
is that according to Viking law,
you haven't engaged in
illegal homosexual activity
as long as you are the active part.
- Really?
- Yes. That's why I was so active
with fingers and tongue
and hip thrusts and all those things.
It was a real dance of life,
wasn't it?
It was. And what's important
is that Viking law
is extremely clear on that issue.
As long as you are the active part
in an homosexual activity,
it's not illegal
and no honor is lost.
- So you haven't lost any honor?
- No, no. Not at all.
On the contrary.
Orm!
I know you pillaged to the West!
All I need is the map!
Give me the map
and I'll save your life, Orm!
Everyone else though will be slaves.
But you are safe.
Orm!
No one would agree
to a deal like that.
My gods, does he really believe
you're that much of a coward?
Orm?
Orm!
Orm!
- Orm!
- I'm here!
Here I am!
Here!
I didn't really run away.
I
Orm, Orm, Orm.
- I hope you have what I want.
- Coward!
Like you wouldn't have done
the same thing!
No one here would have
sacrificed the village!
That's easy for you to say,
being all safe in a cage.
Here it is. I meant to give it to you
all along, so this feels good.
Orm
Orm, Orm, Orm.
What is this, Orm?
A lot of large penises and rectums?
This is not a map.
Maybe it is a map.
Maybe it's a map of the body.
Check it out!
I hope you are ready, Orm.
Blood eagles
are very fashionable these days.
No! Don't, don't, don't!
I know exactly where the map is.
Arvid. Arvid has it.
- Arvid?
- Yes.
That retarded right-hand man to Olav?
Maybe I was
the right-hand man for Olav.
But he was the brains
behind the raid to the West,
and he hid the map and
everything!
OK.
Let's find Arvid and slice him up.
No, you won't find him.
You have to use cunning.
Just forget this blood-eagle
stuff and let me go!
I know his weakness.
Excuse me.
Is there a Liv here?
- Liv?
- Yeah, that's me.
You are to be defiled.
In public.
Defiled?
Yeah.
You know
Raped. In public.
So, I'm sorry. It was not my idea
at all. But you know
It's part of the deal here.
By the Earl, then?
Does he do those things himself?
Yeah, it's
You know.
I can't totally guarantee it,
but let's cross our fingers and hope
that the Earl
will do the defiling today.
So, come on.
- Yes.
- Be strong!
It's just outside the door here.
Can you close the door after me?
You can go first.
Arvid!
I want the map!
No honorable man
would let his woman
be penetrated in public!
What a douche!
Come on, Arvid!
This is not very honorable.
Honor is important.
So I have to do something, don't I?
You can't attack them
with only a knife.
I don't see that being
the right strategic choice.
Magnus, rape Arvid's wife.
Him? A mere foot soldier?
- Ridiculous!
- Rape her.
You know, it's kind of funny, but
Any other day, I would have just
jumped on her and pounded away.
Yes.
But there's been so much lately,
with this invasion of Norheim
and the long horse ride here and all
I just don't feel
fresh.
Håkon?
Rape her.
Yeah, the thing is, I'm just not that
comfortable doing this.
If my wife back home finds out
that I'm raping people on my business
trips, she's really gonna lose it.
OK. Incredible, incredible.
I have to do everything myself.
Raped by an Earl.
Now we're talking!
Finally. I can't wait
to get pumped full of power.
- Quiet, please.
- Sorry. Just got a little excited.
For a victim, she sure is bold.
Could I get a pillow?
Because you'd get a better angle,
and your seed will easier
find its way up my birth canal.
No pillow.
Obviously she's not thinking clearly.
Turn your backs.
That goes for you as well in the cage!
I don't need hundreds of eyes
staring at my butt
while I'm pumping the granny
out of her!
Come on. You can do this, boy.
She's afraid. Remember that.
You are powerful.
Arvid?
This is the last warning, Arvid.
I'm about to penetrate your wife!
And soon we will become
Eskimo brothers.
Are you ready?
- I guess I should attack.
- I may have an idea.
I think I know someone
who can help us.
You stay out of this, Arvid! I have the
chance to have powerful Earl seed now!
You said you had an idea?
This is the jackpot, you hear me?
The jackpot!
No erection.
Yes, great.
I think we'll draw the line there.
You were lucky this time, Arvid!
This was just a warning.
Under other circumstances,
with sun and happy people,
I would have drowned her
with my great, wonderful Jarl-sperm!
So
Get out of my way.
There's your army.
Eirik?
Uncle Oddvar?
Hey, Arvid!
- But you're all dead.
- No, we're alive.
In some sort of limbo, then?
Not quite Valhalla,
because you have some unfinished
business here on earth?
Well, we were supposed
to do the ættestup.
But it kind of goes against
all human instinct
to throw yourself off a cliff
to your certain death like that.
It's so lemming.
So what you're saying is that you're
some sort of Army of the Dead?
Under my command.
No, that's not what I'm saying.
I think I need to sit down and try
to figure out what's happening here.
Now I think I know what
that misunderstanding was about.
- You're alive!
- Yes.
But you're still willing
to fight for me, right?
Of course!
That's what we've
been trying to tell you.
Falling in battle is the only way
for us to get to Valhalla.
So this is really what you
can call an ideal situation.
Sounds good to me.
Let's make a plan!
I've struggled with the blood supply
to the nether regions myself.
From time to time.
Especially with the wife.
Other times it's hard as a pebble.
The meat whistle likes to dance to its
own tune. Isn't that what they say?
Anyway, you can comfort yourself
that the West is overrated.
We have something
that's far more valuable.
- Diamonds?
- No, no.
More than that.
Rubies?
Theater!
Theater?
If I just can get a few key individuals
out of that cage,
we can show you an excerpt
from this summer's play.
Shame!
She loves thee!
No, she loves thee!
Again, it's very difficult to imagine
without all the props and all the
And we didn't have a chance to warm
up, so we didn't reach the high notes.
Maybe we can try again?
I never felt this before.
Can we just do it again?
Maybe now that we're warmed up.
I have some kind of
liquid
out of my eye.
Most of all,
I think I learned
something about myself.
And the society we live in.
Here comes the pig
to the slaughterhouse.
That many?
I thought you said he was alone.
He was, the last time I saw him.
And all the Vikings are down
there in the cage.
So Loki knows who those guys are.
Varg!
OK, fatso.
Send me to Valhalla.
First of all,
I'm not fat.
I have a curved spine.
So my stomach
tends to bulge out a little.
Because my spine turns inwards,
in a sense.
And second of all
I'm going to spare your life. Because
I understand you have been fooled here.
Yeah.
Yes. The wisest man resigns.
Isn't that what they say, Arvid?
You truly are big-hearted.
Seriously, showing that you're willing
to put conflicts behind you quickly,
and not dwell on what stupid
things others may have done.
I give you my respect.
Thanks.
You're quite a man.
Your chieftain is very, very proud of you.
So, yes
I guess I'll take over from here.
It's very important not to have
any doubt as to who actually is
the leader of Norheim.
No one would benefit from that.
Arvid, Arvid
Arvid!
I don't think that's gonna work.
I mean, you're welcome to try.
- But I don't think it's gonna work.
- You're probably right.
But I'm so tactile!
Arvid!
Arvid
Hi.
Chieftain Arvid.
Who would have dreamt that?
I dreamt about it.
And Olav dreamt about it.
Can I ask you something?
Do you think it is OK if a person
has one weakness,
or does everybody
have to be completely perfect?
You can't exactly expect anyone
to be perfect all the time.
Because I have one tiny weakness.
I love power.
I'm drawn to power like a moth
to a flame. That's just who I am, Arvid.
I'm aware of that.
Olvar, he was so rich.
And you were so strong.
And Jarl Varg
Well, he was an Earl.
Actually I don't understand
why every woman in town
didn't throw
themselves at him?
Because he's a psychopath
and very very evil?
No, that felt more like
a role he was playing.
You can't judge him based on that.
Even a guy that bad,
you were attracted to?
Yeah, but nothing happened anyway.
I just hope you can forgive me.
Yeah, I guess I can.
You can?
I just want to start
with a clean rune stick, now.
Sure, we can do that.
- Hi there, Kark.
- Greetings, Chieftain Arvid!
You have any space left in your sty?
You have a new roommate.
Yeah, of course.
Where there's a sty, there's a way.
- You're kidding now, Arvid!
- I'm serious as cancer.
This is your new home.
- You are never to approach the farm again.
- Oh my gods!
Arvid, I will never forgive you this!
There's no reason to look
down your nose at this.
I mean, I tried living in a house once.
This is much better.
Except for the smell, of course.
The smell is better anywhere else.
Jarl Varg, I choose to believe you
have learned a lesson here in Norheim.
I have learned, Arvid.
You are hard as flint
and a man of honor.
And I'm sorry that you have become.
Jarl Handless now, but
we put our best
prosthetic smiths to work.
And I must say
I'm incredibly proud of the result.
Will you please raise your hands,
so we all can see?
Raise your hands.
With this hand you can eat,
just as before.
And the other one should work
just like a regular hand.
Though with more stiff fingers.
So I'd say perfectly adequate hands
there, I think we can agree on that?
Yes.
Perfect, Arvid.
So, have a nice trip home.
I hope we can say we are even now.
No hard feelings, now that you've
got both your hands back, right?
No hard feelings, Arvid.
Seriously, no hard feelings?
Oh, yes, I have hard feelings.
Terrible and gruesome feelings.
In my body.
I won't talk about it now.
Strategy, my friend.
Strategy.
Viljar, don't you look nice!
- Thanks.
- Very excellent choice of fur.
By the way, might you be interested
in a little digging tonight?
You don't happen to have
a dig-urge do you?
Not gonna happen,
Orm, Orm, Tapeworm.
Tapeworm.
That's very funny, Viljar.
You been saving that joke for a long time?
I've known you since you were two, Viljar.
This is the first time
you've said anything funny!
Congratulations.
Hildur!
My dear sister-in-law.
How's she doing?
Perfect. How about you?
- Fine, fine. Could've been better, but
- I can see that.
So, how do you feel about digging?
You like digging?
Mm nope.
Hildur, Hildur, don't you dare walk away
without digging me out!
That's just what I'm doing, Orm.
I regret that I didn't have you
ravished when I had the chance!
Oh, good.
See? Blood is thicker than water.
- There's a shovel over there.
- I don't need a shovel.
Look what you made me do, Orm.
You're spraying a little on me, too.
I don't know if that's your intention.
I can't exactly turn away, you know.
It's too late, it's too late.
Hey!
Skål!
Psst.
- Psst.
- Who's that?
Who's that saying "psst"?
If that's some kind of harassment,
just knock it off.
Some oral equivalent of peeing on me?
It's me. Liv.
You truly are sent from Thor and Odin.
I refuse to live with a semi-retarded
slave for the rest of my days.
Believe it or not, I'd rather
escape with you.
Because you are leaving, right?
Yes, yes.
- In your face!
- In your face, Arvid!
Fucking Neanderthal!
- The birds have flown the coop!
- Too bad.
Retards!
Inbred bastards!
My ass laughs at you, Arvid.
And so does my assicle!
Yes, my
What?!
This is not the last
you've seen of me, Arvid!
We'll be back!
The chieftain's seat will be mine!
- We're not going back!
- Yes, yes.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, for vengeance.
To revenge
Row, Liv, row!
Wait, too close to shore!
Hi! There you are!
I've been looking all over for you.
I have some really fun news.
What?
There's life inside me.
A little Arvid!
A little Arvid?
As in you, Arvid?
- I don't know.
- Yes, isn't that great?
And you know, I can feel it's a boy.
A little chieftain!
Yes. But I don't want to interrupt.
You just go on.
I'll see you inside.
Yes? OK.