Was It Something I Said? (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

1
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to
"Was It Something I Said?",
the panel show about quotations,
from famous last words
to famous first words
and everything in-between.
As celebrity ceramicist
Grayson Perry once said
..which explains why
he only lasted a week
in his first job
as a plastic surgeon.
On Micky Flanagan's team is
comedian and actress Sally Philips,
and with Richard Ayoade is
comedian Reginald D Hunter.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here to read out our quotations
is a journalist, broadcaster
and keen walker, who once said
I'm sure the hostages have much the
same nostalgic glow in their hearts
when they go back there too(!)
Please welcome John Sargeant.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much
for coming, John.
Well, it's wonderful to
be here, of course it is.
So, John, do you have
a favourite quotation?
I have a bit of advice from
a Chinese sage which is
very simple and rather macabre.
"If you wait by the
river long enough,
"the bodies of all your
enemies will float by."
Extremely useful in the BBC.
That won't, I mean, I don't want
to, you know, mock Chinese culture,
but that won't necessarily happen.
LAUGHTER
All I can say is it worked for me.
LAUGHTER
Right, let's crack on with the show.
Our first round
is called Threesomes.
Some cultures consider the
number three brings bad luck,
especially when preceded by the
words Home Alone and Police Academy.
I'm going to give both teams
a series of quotes,
and they have to work out which
of three famous people said them.
You can also play along at home
by following @somethingIsaid
on Twitter to unlock extra clips.
This week's theme for
Threesomes is travel,
and can we have the first
quotation, please, John?
Why no laughs there,
what was wrong with that?
I thought it was quite funny.
They think They don't know
how many states there are.
- Yeah, it would go down better in
America, I think, that joke. - Yeah.
I feel the same way, but if
I said it, it would seem like
I was being she-she-poo-poo
about my country.
You mustn't be she-she-poo-poo,
I won't allow it.
In a moment, I'll give you
three famous faces to choose from,
but before that, what do
you make of this quotation?
- Are there fewer states than this,
it seems? - There was when I left.
I can tell you, there are
of course only 50 states in America.
That could be the statement of
someone who has a sense of humour,
or it's the statement of someone
who's very dumb.
That's my snap read.
Would you agree with that analysis?
Sounds like someone on the run.
No, cos it's a lot of legwork, innit?
I prefer just to go to Spain, really.
I've tried other places,
they're so like Spain, you think,
"I should have just gone to Spain."
So I'm going to
narrow down your options.
This quotation, was it said
by singer Britney Spears,
Republican "hockey mom" Sarah Palin,
or President Barack Obama?
MICKY SINGS: # All right, all right
What was I supposed to do? ♪
I can't look at Britney without
- I can't look at Britney without
- Yes, this is the
impressions round(!)
REG: Well, I'm going to go ahead and
eliminate Obama from saying it, cos
in America, he gets in trouble even
when he says stuff that makes sense.
MICKY: What is it about women with
a gun? You just think, "Phwoar!"
She does look sexy, though, Dave,
you've got to admit.
She does look sexy with that gun.
I don't think she looks
I think she looks a bit stupid
- with that gun.
- I would say she looks drunk.
She's slightly cross-eyed.
Cross-eyed with a gun.
That's marrying material.
LAUGHTER
That's a keeper.
She said, "I'm like a
bull terrier with a lipstick!"
Something like that?
A ball carrier with a knapsack?
AMERICAN ACCENT: "A bull
terrier with a lipstick!"
Let me just say that you have
Britney Spears and Sarah Palin down!
You got 'em down!
- A ball? - A bull terrier.
- A bull terrier.
- AMERICAN ACCENT: "With a lipstick."
- With a lap stack? - No, lipstick.
AMERICAN ACCENT: "I'm a bull
terrier with an erection!"
Did you say, "A bull terrier
with an erection"?!
She said she was a bull
terrier with a lipstick,
and when I heard that, I immediately
saw a bull terrier with the cock out.
- Cos it do look like a lipstick!
- It looks like a lipstick, don't it?
It's wrong but it's genius!
I've never seen that.
Have you never been to
a pub where, afterwards,
they're dog-fighting at the back?
Have you met David?!
He organises those fights, Micky!
I only go to those poncey pubs
where they don't have dogfights.
But she did say, "I'm like a
bull terrier with a lipstick."
Well, I didn't know that. So, who
thinks they've been to 57 states?
Britney, Palin or Obama?
- I think it's Britney. - Why's that?
Because I think Sarah Palin's
not good at geography.
Presumably the whole deal with
the Tea Party is that they're
keen on America and stuff.
So I'm guessing she'd know
that there were 50 states.
But Britney, on the other hand
- I'm not so sure. - He wouldn't
even make a joke like that,
cos he would be frightened
how it would be picked up,
and I'm sure he knows
Unless this isn't the kind of
show where you just have
where it's only the women
who say foolish things.
- Yes, it is that sort of show. - Yeah
Shut up!
Go and make us a cup of
tea, babe. Look lively.
- No, it is NOT that sort of show,
Sally. - So, I think Britney.
- OK, we're going to go with Britney
on this. - You're going with Britney.
What do you think, Reg and Richard?
I think that your analysis
that someone said it as a joke
could be right. I think
it could be Obama, possibly.
But I'm happy to completely defer.
Well, I've never seen anyone
make happiness look like that.
LAUGHTER
The thing is, as an
American, you know,
there are some things that
are just drilled into you.
And how many states there are
is just one of them.
So it makes me think
that it'sit's a joke.
I think Obama is too afraid
of Republicans to even make that
joke publicly. Britney Spears,
she knows 50 states.
I think it's Sarah Palin, and
I think it's her attempt at a joke
while being simultaneously
a stupid person.
LAUGHTER
So, is that your answer?
As Meat Loaf said, "You took
the words right out of my mouth."
Well, the answer is
- Barack Obama. - Oh, man!
Yes, he made the 57 states gaffe
during the 2008
campaign trail in Oregon.
He put it down to exhaustion,
and a campaign visit
to the Heinz factory.
Obama travels on Air Force One,
which costs a whopping
$100,000 an hour to operate.
John, you've flown with British
Prime Ministers, haven't you?
Is that a luxurious affair?
It can be, yeah.
In the old days, I used to go
with Margaret Thatcher a lot.
We were very close, obviously.
Just the two of you in
a biplane with goggles.
Just the two of us with
about 100 other people.
She had no sense of humour
but she could be playful.
It was a bit odd, really.
And, erm
LAUGHTER
- What, like wrestling?
- Well, no, but
No, I'll give you an example.
We were served a fantastic meal,
and suddenly Margaret Thatcher
appeared at my side.
So I stood up,
being the gent that I am,
and all the food and crockery
went onto the floor.
She threw herself onto the ground,
turned to me and said,
"You stay where you are,
I'll sort this out."
So she's on the floor
and there's all this hair and
things, and I'm, "Oh, God."
Isn't it, sort of, law
that the minute a woman goes
any lower than your waist you have
to say, "While you're down there"?
LAUGHTER
Is it possible that
she got on the floor
to sort of humanise herself to you?
It may have been all sorts
of complicated reasons,
but I just thought, "Blimey.
There's the Prime Minister on the
floor in front of me, why's that?"
You know, I was trying to
live an ordinary life.
LAUGHTER
OK, John, can we have
our next quotation
on the subject of travel, please?
Now I know Obama didn't say that.
I've been to Japan.
It's not you, though, it's one of
LAUGHTER
I didn't know where I was.
No clues in Japan as to
what's going on, nothing.
All the signs, there's not one
concession to the English, you know.
There's nothing, you just think,
"I should have gone to Spain."
In Spain, you get
half a chance, don't ya?
Farmacia, that's the pharmacy.
Supermercado. I can get
some potatoes in there.
There's a tremendous production
of The Mikado in there.
I'll give you a clue, this person
didn't get a passport till 2007,
and in fact only a third
of Americans have passports.
Over the years, I've heard quite
a few British people explain to me
that only a third of
Americans have a passport.
And when they say it,
there's a tone of "Tsk-tsk-tsk."
You better be glad.
LAUGHTER
You better be glad those home-grown
bellies don't come over here
and start writing cheques.
Don't let nobody know.
"Maybe we should go to Britain."
"No, we shouldn't."
I can tell you that the person that
said this, their hatred of fish may
stem from the fact that they worked
in their grandmother's restaurant
as a child, and said,
"I'd always smell of fish."
I think it might be Palin,
cos Britney, I don't
or Brit, as I call her,
I don't think that she will
have worked in a restaurant
when she was young, cos she was
already in Mickey Mouse Club.
- I think Palin. - You think Palin?
- I'm going with Palin.
Palin from Richard and Reg.
What d'you reckon?
I think it's Britney,
I'm just obsessed with her.
Oh, man, oh, man
We'll go for Britney again. ♪
I love the way you're
weaving that in.
OK, you're going for Britney.
Well, the answer is
Britney Spears, well done.
APPLAUSE
Time now for a round
called Keywords.
We give our panellists
key words from a quotation
and they have to try and
work out the whole thing.
Basically they get a couple of
words from the full sentence
and have to try and guess the rest.
Bit like ordering food
from a menu in France.
This quotation is not well known.
But I will provide clues
and award points to anyone
who can get the main thrust of it.
It's from the father of evolution,
Charles Darwin, written in
The Descent of Man and Selection
In Relation to Sex from 1871.
As your first clue, John,
can we have two keywords, please?
Sounds like a couple
of my nights out.
"I did a monkey last night,
I wound up drunk as anything."
"I did a monkey,"
is that expending a sum of money
or copulating with an animal?
It can be both.
So, does this ring any bells,
this "monkey, drunk" thing?"
It doesn't ring any bells,
but I wonder if he's
observed drunk monkeys
and that's what gave him
the idea that we were related.
LAUGHTER
How did Darwin make up
his mind to marry?
- He got her pregnant. - No.
RICHARD: He married
his cousin, didn't he?
- He did marry his cousin, yeah.
Emma Wedgwood. - Yes.
When he was planning to get married,
he wrote a list under the heading,
"This Is The Question," and split it
into two sections,
"Marry" and "Not Marry."
Under "Marry" he put
"Better than a dog anyhow."
In the minus column was
By marrying a cousin,
there were fewer relatives.
They were his relatives already.
Wow, man, that make me want to
take a second look at my cousins.
Let's have the third keyword
as a clue, please, John.
- I think I know. - You think you know?
He was sort of defending the idea
that monkeys could learn something
or that monkeys could demonstrate
more wisdom in certain situations
than humans, that you can
give a monkey some alcohol
and it won't repeat the experience,
and people do repeat the experience.
Sally and Micky, d'you want
to have a go at an answer?
Is it, "If I was any wiser
or any more drunk,
"I'd find a few more monkeys
and create a band"?
Well, I think we need to
hear the full quotation
and see who's got closest. John.
"..and thus is much
wiser than most men."
But the rest of that quote is,
"But a British monkey
would get just as fucked up."
LAUGHTER
- Richard was almost
entirely right. - Hey!
LAUGHTER
Yes, "An American monkey,
after getting drunk on brandy,
"would never touch it again."
Monkeys are in fact
highly intelligent.
They can be taught to use tools
to flick shit at each other.
So, at the end of
our Keywords round,
I can tell you that
the teams are tied.
APPLAUSE
Over the break, see if you can
complete this quotation from
Elton John, from an interview in
1995, talking about his lifestyle.
Feel free to tweet your
answer to @somethingIsaid,
and we'll see you in
a couple of minutes.
Welcome back to
Was It Something I Said?
Before the break,
we asked you to complete
this quotation from Elton John
- What? - "I'll buy the Alps."
"Sometimes when I'm flying
over the Alps, I think,
" 'This ain't right,
I'm going to Edinburgh.' "
LAUGHTER
I'll give you a clue,
it's about drugs.
"The snow on it's like the same
amount of cocaine I've taken."
- Richard's right. - What?! - John,
can we get the full quote, please?
"Sometimes, when I'm flying
over the Alps, I think,
" 'That's like all the cocaine
I've sniffed.' "
Elton John said in an interview
with Piers Morgan
And then it got even worse -
he had to do an interview
with Piers Morgan.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Up next is a round called
What Are They Talking About?
You'll hear a quote that has been
taken completely out of context
and you need to work out
what that person is talking about.
It's a bit like when you read out
the joke from your cracker
and no-one understands
why it's supposed to be funny
and then you all realise
it's a fun fact.
Here's one from techie
and businessman Bill Gates,
writing in the Wall Street Journal
in 2003. Can we hear it, John?
"It would be funny
if it weren't so irritating."
RICHARD: Life.
LAUGHTER
I wouldn't let someone photograph me
having my Boxing Day poo.
LAUGHTER
Is it that draft excluder
that you put on the edge of the door
and it just always comes away a bit
at the top after a little while,
and, no matter how many times
you push it up, it just flaps down?
Yep, that's right,
that's what he was talking about.
Yes, he was talking about
that sort of draft excluder
that you put on the side of the door
and the top bit always comes away.
Billionaires have these problems,
too. Next round
No, no, it's not that.
This is something he encounters
on a daily basis
but it is arguably his fault.
Is it because every time
he goes on to Facebook,
the entire margin is covered with
"lose your belly fat" adverts?
Is it about the amount of spam
that you get on computers?
That's what it's about. Can we
have the full quote, please, John?
APPLAUSE
"I receive a tonne
of spam every day.
"Much of it offers to help me
get out of debt or get rich quick.
"It would be funny
if it weren't so irritating."
He gets four million
spam e-mails per day,
and has to employ a whole department
to get rid of them.
John, do you know where
the term "spam" came from?
It doesn't relate to that dreadful
meat we had in the 1940s, does it?
Indirectly, it relates to that.
It comes from
the Monty Python sketch
where they all sing,
"Spam, spam, spam, spam"
that the word "spam"
is used to drown out
what the people are actually
trying to say to each other.
I don't think what the other
characters are saying in that sketch
would be worth hearing.
It's the saying of "spam,"
that's the point of the sketch.
I think it's rather perverse
to watch that sketch and say,
"I wish those Vikings
would stop singing 'spam'
"so I can hear what everyone else
is trying to say."
Imagine being really
irritated by it,
"I can't hear what they're saying!"
It would be like watching a film,
you've got George Clooney
having a scene at the front,
"I want to hear
what the other people
in the restaurant are saying!"
Our final round is the
Was It Something I Said? round,
in which each team has to work out
who said the following quotations.
It'll be from someone
on the show tonight,
or from our virtual guest,
George Osborne,
the man who made it to the top
despite his origins
as the son
of a mere millionaire baronet.
So first up is Micky's team.
Who said the following,
was it Richard, Reg, John,
me, or George Osborne?
Who's that?
That just smells of you, doesn't it?
LAUGHTER
- My own Christmas fragrance
really bombed, it was - "Pedant".
It was actually called "Anal".
LAUGHTER
They said, "Don't call it Anal,
"people will think
it smells of shit."
And I said, "No,
it will smell of specificity."
- That wouldn't be George Osborne,
though, because he would've - Yes!
Brown pair of shoes, black pair of
shoes, and a gold pair of shoes.
David Cameron doesn't seem to have
very many pairs of shoes.
He got the piss taken out of him
for wearing black office shoes
- On the beach? - Yeah.
- What do you wear on holiday, Dave?
I'm on the record as a naturist,
so I wearnothing at all.
Have you ever done that,
have you ever done a nudist beach?
No, I've never been nude,
even in private.
Yeah, I did it. So stressful.
Because your penis goes,
"What you doing? What you doing?"
It goes back into the pubes,
it gets terrified.
You stand there
with a vagina in public.
It's absolutely terrifying.
LAUGHTER
I need an answer.
I'm going to say most likely John,
cos I believe Richard's
quite a natty dresser,
- knows what he's doing - Sure.
- Reg doesn't wear shoes,
he's had bare feet
for nearly 15 years now.
He's got, like, hooves.
- You're saying John? - Yes.
- Well, the answer is
John.
APPLAUSE
It's a little bit embarrassing,
this, isn't it?
All your comments
give the impression
whoever said that's an idiot.
I got a life, you know,
an ordinary person.
Next up, Richard's team.
Can we have the next quote,
please, John?
"I have a leatherette bum bag that
I purchased on a foreign holiday
"in the early '80s.
"It hung very nicely
above my Speedos."
Who said that?
Was it Micky, Sally, John,
me or George Osborne?
I think I know who this one is.
I think the only person here
with the BALLS to wear a Speedo
You mean that both literally
and metaphorically?
LAUGHTER
- I think it's Flanagan. - Yeah, me too.
I know how much you like
leatherette items.
I do like leatherette.
For years and years, if you
wanted a proper leather jacket,
it was very, very expensive,
and then you've got a leatherette
jacket, which looked like leather
but was much cheaper.
But it was a little bit shameful.
If I was going to have a bum bag,
it would be quality.
Sheepskin.
I don't know that you would allow
leather and the ocean to mix,
becausegetting salt out of
leather's a fool's endeavour.
LAUGHTER
That's a wise old aphorism,
isn't it?
"Nothing brings out
a sweat like leatherette."
- So your answer is Micky Flanagan?
- Yeah. - And the answer is
Micky Flanagan.
APPLAUSE
Do you still sport
the leatherette bum bag?
- My wife made me get rid of it.
- "It's got to go."
For most of the '80s,
I used to go on holiday
and I used to take a pair of
flip flops, a pair of Speedos,
a vest for the evening
LAUGHTER
..a bum bag. Job done.
- No trousers? - No.
You buy a pair of shorts there
You went on the plane in Speedos?
No, you had a pair
of tennis shorts over the top.
So why do you need to buy
new shorts out there?
Pair for during the day,
pair for the evening.
Now you're sounding
like Jennifer Lopez!
Well, I'm afraid
that's all we've got time for,
and a quick look at the scores
tells me that it is a draw.
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Micky and Sally,
Richard and Reg,
and to our guest narrator,
John Sergeant.
And we leave you with the words
of Daniel Day-Lewis,
who once said
That's very much how I felt
when trying to get through Lincoln.
Good night.