Weird Science s01e06 Episode Script
Airball Kings
# Workin' at the car wash, yeah # # Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa # # Car wa # Hey, think quick.
( Laughs ) Thank you.
Richard, nice shot.
Go, team! ALL: Go, Bucks! Look at those guys.
They got everything.
Speed, women, championship trophies.
Women.
Pituitaries the size of guavas The point is, it got them where they are-- Where we should be.
What are you talking about? I don't want to play basketball.
I want to play basketball.
I think it's time for a change.
We don't belong here.
This is ridiculous.
Everyone at Farber High has the right to try out for the school team.
It says so in the manual.
We're not everyone.
- We're two shemps who can't play.
- ( Blows Whistle ) All right, Gentlemen, listen up.
These tryouts are to determine if any of you are worthy enough to join the ranks of the Buccaneers.
I'm here to tell you you're not good enough.
- ( Whispering ) Yes, I know.
- None of you are.
Your job is twofold: to try out and to prove me wrong.
- Yeah? - When do we get our jackets? When and if you make the team.
Personally, I wouldn't hold my breath.
( Blows Whistle ) Form lines! Gary, it's not too late to bail.
Fake a nosebleed.
I'll carry you out.
No, man.
Be cool.
I've taken care of everything.
I don't understand.
Go, Gary! Go, Wyatt! Take it to the boards! All right, let's go! What is Lisa doing here? I don't want to be zapped into some ten-foot freak.
Just shut up and dribble.
Watch closely, muchachos.
Maybe you'll pick up a few pointers.
What did you ask her for, total humiliation? I told Lisa to get us on the team.
Hold it.
Hold it.
In my 30 years of coaching, never have I seen such play.
Let me see that again, son.
Are you just going to sit there? Young man, that was poetry-- the arc the roll, the bounce-- and your dribbling was brilliant.
It's move like that that can carry a team to victory.
Congratulations, men.
Welcome to the team.
Yes! - Hi.
How are you? - Hi.
How are you? You could fit the entire chess club in this jacket.
It's not the jacket, my friend.
It's the man inside.
A farber High Buccaneer.
Walk tall-- or in your case just give the illusion of height.
See? We are ten feet down the hall and we already have our own adoring fans.
Hello, ladies.
Hi.
We just wanted to, you know welcome you guys to the team.
It's, um, funny how we never really noticed you guys before.
Are you girls b-ball fans? Fans? We're co-captions of the a-squad.
Cheerleaders.
Well, well, what a coincidence.
Already we have so much in common.
Mr.
Donnelly, may we see your quiz, please? Don't you think you should correct it first? Mr.
Barone understands how important it is - to keep the team G.
P.
A.
's up.
- But I usually get A's.
Don't get greedy, son or I'll have him grade it for real.
Saved a seat for you two boys at the varsity table.
Coach, Can I ask you a question? Anything.
What is it exactly that you like about our basketball playing? We're short, we can't dribble and we shoot nothing but air balls.
Your modesty is admirable, Mr.
Donnelly.
Clearly, you boys are gifted.
Besides, I've always felt there's too much emphasis placed on getting the ball through the hoop.
Gentlemen, make room.
The future of Farber basketball has arrived.
Howdy, fellow Buccaneers.
- WYATT: Hello.
- Good grief.
Is that all the greens they gave you? Here.
There's going to be hell to pay in that kitchen.
So you guys tried the oatmeal scotchies? - They really weigh a guy down.
- Listen up.
Now, I don't know how, but the Coach has lost it.
If you two doorsteps show up at that game friday you're going to be crawling home.
You're not going to keep us from taking another championship.
Got it? Has anyone told you your nostrils flare when you're angry? Personally, I think that's good advice.
Think about it, Wy.
They pull anything, and they're off the team.
The Coach loves us.
We're bulletproof.
Yup, for once, Lisa delivered.
I'll get to the point-- Your cheers reek.
"Lean to the left lean to the right" Who writes this stuff? If we're going to yell bad rhymes let's at least make them honest.
That's her.
Excuse me, miss.
Perhaps you're under the mistaken impression that you can just waltz into my school and displace my head cheerleader.
I don't know who you think you are But you're very excited about the new changes on the squad.
But I'm very excited about the new changes on the squad.
You looked forward to hearing the new cheers you've written.
I look forward to hearing the new cheers I've written.
- Carry on.
- Carry on.
ANNOUNCER: Fellow Buccaneers, give it up for the reigning states champions, Farber All Stars.
Listen to the crowd, Wyatt.
They love us.
They love us.
Kill us later.
Once they see us play, we're dead.
Who said anything about playng? Ow! Oh! My knee! - You hurt, Mr.
Wallace? - I heard something pop - but I'm sure I'll be okay.
- You got guts, kid.
Under the pain of injury that upper lip's as stiff as a hardwood plank.
- I'm benching you.
- Aw, Coach.
That patella will carry us to the state championship if it stays healthy.
Beside, we got Mr.
Donnelly to pick up the slack.
Sorry, Coach.
Uh, groin pull.
Ooh.
- Yeah.
I heard something pop.
- Tough break.
Somebody get this boy's groin iced pronto! See? We're basketball stars, Wy, without even touching the ball.
How are my varsity bench warmers? Lisa, what are you doing here? Why are you dressed like a cheerleader? I came to see you play, and it's head cheerleader.
Isn't Kelly head cheerleader? All right, girls, let's get into formation just like we practiced.
- Ready? - ALL: Okay.
Deodorant is not enough when our boys go strut their stuff.
Our team gets sweatly, stinky, smelly, skanky, crusty, sticky reeeeally ranky! You know I wrote that.
( Blows Whistle ) ( Buzzer ) Yes! All right! Whoo! Your knee, remember? - Forget my knee.
I want to play - What do you mean, play? - The crowd's not cheering for us.
For those guys-- the ones playing-- and I want a piece of that action.
The piece where you get pubilcly humiliated or the piece where they break every bone in your body? You're just cranky 'cause your nads are on ice.
I don't plan on getting anywhere near that ball.
Everything goes to Gary.
Set up Gary.
Pass to Gary.
Everybody clear the lanes for Gary, got it? - You mean this Gary? - Get out there and follow Gary's lead.
Tie a nice ribbon on it for me.
Joining the game is number 11 Gary Wallace.
- He's dead man.
- Hey, number 11, you smell more like number two.
( Laughing ) Good move, Coach.
Send in the girls.
( Whistle Blows ) Give it to Gary.
Give the ball to Gary.
Gary, take it down.
That's it, that's it.
Go down.
Come on, Gary.
It's all right, Gary.
Get it back.
Absolutely well-done.
That's it, that's it.
Gary! Get it to Gary! Yes! Get the ball to Gary! Get it to Gary! Shoot it! Yes! Shoot it, Gary! Yes! Yes! That's it.
Go down.
Come on, Gary.
It's all right, Gary.
( Buzzer ) Absolutely well-done.
Good shot! COACH: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
( Crowd Booing ) Chin up, Mr.
Wallace.
Great effort.
I'm sorry that the team let you down.
Man, whoever told you you could play ball? This boy has more talent than you and the rest of this team twice over.
You clean out your locker because you, sir, are off this team.
That's the last I want to hear about this matter.
Coach, a word.
Do you think it was wise to send Wallace into the game? The boy's how should I put this? Uh, athletically challenged.
Nobody talks about my boys that way! No one! I'm sorry you had to see that.
It's not my fault we lost the game.
I just went out there and gave it my best.
- The team let me down.
- You heard the coach.
Yeah, I heard the coach-- Babbling like a lunatic under Lisa's spell.
How's that groin pull, Ice man? Bodacious cheers at the game, ladies.
Thanks.
Quit the team.
We're asking nicely.
We're not.
Quit the team.
Now.
I don't know.
The coach is awfully fond of us.
Look, we're not going to let you two bonaduces flush our championship down the toilet.
- Get the picture? - Absolutely.
Think you could have caved in a little faster, Wyatt? - Sorry.
- I'm not quitting.
- And nobody can make me.
Nobody.
- To put it simply I want you to withdraw from the Buccaneer Roster.
- You mean quit? - That's putting it even simpler-- Yes.
Now try and see this from my perspective.
Should the Farber Regin that we've enjoyed for five championship seasons suddenly come to a halt our Coach Armstrong could very possibly end up being someone else's Coach Armstrong.
But everybody loves the guy.
More specifically everybody loves a winner.
And I'm not going a victorious Coach over the likes of you.
- Principal Scampi - If perchance I do, suffice it to say that your life here at Farber will be full of surprises.
There.
You see that? You shut your eyes a split second before you shot.
You can't teach that.
Mr.
Wallace I'm going to be coaching in the summer leagues and I'd be honored if you'd assist me.
You, too, Mr.
Donnelly as soon as that groin's 100%.
What do you say? - We're quitting the team.
- Quitting? - We have to.
Sorry, Coach.
- But why? I don't know how to put this, except to say when it comes to basketball, Mr.
Blow.
Mr.
Wallace Gary I've been a winning coach most of my career.
I thought that's what basketball was all about-- winning play out there you've shown me a new dimension to this game and that dimension of heart.
You got a heart as big as all outdoors, Gary.
If you quit this team now I don't see any reason for me to continue in basketball.
Well, that wasn't so bad.
I'm not quitting.
Come again? I can't let him down.
Didn't you hear him? No one's believed in me like that before.
No one.
If the Coach had his own brain back that speech would have sounded a whole lot different.
I'm a basketball player, Wyatt, and basketball players play basketball.
( Crowd Chanting ) Go, Buccaneers! Go, Buccaneers! Go, Buccaneers! Go, Buccaneers! Cheep up, Wyatt.
Maybe he won't show.
He had that "I'm going to do something stupid" look in his eye.
- What's the game plan, Coach? - I don't know.
I don't care.
It's just a game.
None of it matters anyway.
( Chanting Silences ) ( Shoes Squeaking ) Gary.
I knew I could count on you.
Listen to that, son.
That's all for you.
All right, everybody! We're back in business.
It's Gary game, just like last week.
Go, Gary! Go, Gary! Go, Gary, go! Come on, Wyatt.
Where's your school spirit? ( Whistle Blows ) - You going to be okay, son? - Yeah.
Maybe I should sit out a while.
I need you more than ever.
Only down 21, two minutes left.
Look, I know you're tired but remember, kid-- you got heart.
And it's beating like a rabbit.
This is too painful.
We should do something.
What "We'? You're the wonder genie.
All right, but I'm not going to do it alone.
Do you have that computer game? Pop in the basketball cartridge.
Gary will respond to every command.
What's your skill level? I just made level eight.
Then that's how good Gary will play.
It's up to you now, Wyatt.
The football game worked Basketball, football, it's all in the thumbs.
Is kicking legal? It is in this game.
All right! Yes! Yes! Yes! All right, Gary, wonderful job! Absolutely well-done.
Come on, Gary.
That's it, Gary.
( Electrical Buzzing ) - What happened? - Oops.
I think I over-amped its circuits.
- Fix it.
Gary's all alone out there.
- Wait.
He's doing okay.
COACH: Come on, Gary.
That's it, go down.
( Buzzer ) ( Whistle Blowing ) How did I do, Coach? Still proud of me? Coach? You may have won the game but that was some of the sloppiest ball handling I've ever seen.
You're still shy of varsity material.
But like I said you got heart, son.
- Thanks, Coach.
- Just keep it off my court.
Hey, ladies.
How are you? - This is my friend Wyatt.
- GIRLS: Hi.
I owned the court did you see me? - Yeah, I saw you.
- I am the master.
Look who we have here.
Captain Toe Jam and the bench-sucking butt boy.
- Leave him alone.
- Ooh, pom-pom girl.
Give me a "T.
" Give me an "A.
" Just give me five minutes.
I'll give you much more.
Now you're giving me something to cheer about.
( Chett Groaning ) You guys up for a little kickball? - Sure.
- Okay.
Captioned by Grantman Brown
( Laughs ) Thank you.
Richard, nice shot.
Go, team! ALL: Go, Bucks! Look at those guys.
They got everything.
Speed, women, championship trophies.
Women.
Pituitaries the size of guavas The point is, it got them where they are-- Where we should be.
What are you talking about? I don't want to play basketball.
I want to play basketball.
I think it's time for a change.
We don't belong here.
This is ridiculous.
Everyone at Farber High has the right to try out for the school team.
It says so in the manual.
We're not everyone.
- We're two shemps who can't play.
- ( Blows Whistle ) All right, Gentlemen, listen up.
These tryouts are to determine if any of you are worthy enough to join the ranks of the Buccaneers.
I'm here to tell you you're not good enough.
- ( Whispering ) Yes, I know.
- None of you are.
Your job is twofold: to try out and to prove me wrong.
- Yeah? - When do we get our jackets? When and if you make the team.
Personally, I wouldn't hold my breath.
( Blows Whistle ) Form lines! Gary, it's not too late to bail.
Fake a nosebleed.
I'll carry you out.
No, man.
Be cool.
I've taken care of everything.
I don't understand.
Go, Gary! Go, Wyatt! Take it to the boards! All right, let's go! What is Lisa doing here? I don't want to be zapped into some ten-foot freak.
Just shut up and dribble.
Watch closely, muchachos.
Maybe you'll pick up a few pointers.
What did you ask her for, total humiliation? I told Lisa to get us on the team.
Hold it.
Hold it.
In my 30 years of coaching, never have I seen such play.
Let me see that again, son.
Are you just going to sit there? Young man, that was poetry-- the arc the roll, the bounce-- and your dribbling was brilliant.
It's move like that that can carry a team to victory.
Congratulations, men.
Welcome to the team.
Yes! - Hi.
How are you? - Hi.
How are you? You could fit the entire chess club in this jacket.
It's not the jacket, my friend.
It's the man inside.
A farber High Buccaneer.
Walk tall-- or in your case just give the illusion of height.
See? We are ten feet down the hall and we already have our own adoring fans.
Hello, ladies.
Hi.
We just wanted to, you know welcome you guys to the team.
It's, um, funny how we never really noticed you guys before.
Are you girls b-ball fans? Fans? We're co-captions of the a-squad.
Cheerleaders.
Well, well, what a coincidence.
Already we have so much in common.
Mr.
Donnelly, may we see your quiz, please? Don't you think you should correct it first? Mr.
Barone understands how important it is - to keep the team G.
P.
A.
's up.
- But I usually get A's.
Don't get greedy, son or I'll have him grade it for real.
Saved a seat for you two boys at the varsity table.
Coach, Can I ask you a question? Anything.
What is it exactly that you like about our basketball playing? We're short, we can't dribble and we shoot nothing but air balls.
Your modesty is admirable, Mr.
Donnelly.
Clearly, you boys are gifted.
Besides, I've always felt there's too much emphasis placed on getting the ball through the hoop.
Gentlemen, make room.
The future of Farber basketball has arrived.
Howdy, fellow Buccaneers.
- WYATT: Hello.
- Good grief.
Is that all the greens they gave you? Here.
There's going to be hell to pay in that kitchen.
So you guys tried the oatmeal scotchies? - They really weigh a guy down.
- Listen up.
Now, I don't know how, but the Coach has lost it.
If you two doorsteps show up at that game friday you're going to be crawling home.
You're not going to keep us from taking another championship.
Got it? Has anyone told you your nostrils flare when you're angry? Personally, I think that's good advice.
Think about it, Wy.
They pull anything, and they're off the team.
The Coach loves us.
We're bulletproof.
Yup, for once, Lisa delivered.
I'll get to the point-- Your cheers reek.
"Lean to the left lean to the right" Who writes this stuff? If we're going to yell bad rhymes let's at least make them honest.
That's her.
Excuse me, miss.
Perhaps you're under the mistaken impression that you can just waltz into my school and displace my head cheerleader.
I don't know who you think you are But you're very excited about the new changes on the squad.
But I'm very excited about the new changes on the squad.
You looked forward to hearing the new cheers you've written.
I look forward to hearing the new cheers I've written.
- Carry on.
- Carry on.
ANNOUNCER: Fellow Buccaneers, give it up for the reigning states champions, Farber All Stars.
Listen to the crowd, Wyatt.
They love us.
They love us.
Kill us later.
Once they see us play, we're dead.
Who said anything about playng? Ow! Oh! My knee! - You hurt, Mr.
Wallace? - I heard something pop - but I'm sure I'll be okay.
- You got guts, kid.
Under the pain of injury that upper lip's as stiff as a hardwood plank.
- I'm benching you.
- Aw, Coach.
That patella will carry us to the state championship if it stays healthy.
Beside, we got Mr.
Donnelly to pick up the slack.
Sorry, Coach.
Uh, groin pull.
Ooh.
- Yeah.
I heard something pop.
- Tough break.
Somebody get this boy's groin iced pronto! See? We're basketball stars, Wy, without even touching the ball.
How are my varsity bench warmers? Lisa, what are you doing here? Why are you dressed like a cheerleader? I came to see you play, and it's head cheerleader.
Isn't Kelly head cheerleader? All right, girls, let's get into formation just like we practiced.
- Ready? - ALL: Okay.
Deodorant is not enough when our boys go strut their stuff.
Our team gets sweatly, stinky, smelly, skanky, crusty, sticky reeeeally ranky! You know I wrote that.
( Blows Whistle ) ( Buzzer ) Yes! All right! Whoo! Your knee, remember? - Forget my knee.
I want to play - What do you mean, play? - The crowd's not cheering for us.
For those guys-- the ones playing-- and I want a piece of that action.
The piece where you get pubilcly humiliated or the piece where they break every bone in your body? You're just cranky 'cause your nads are on ice.
I don't plan on getting anywhere near that ball.
Everything goes to Gary.
Set up Gary.
Pass to Gary.
Everybody clear the lanes for Gary, got it? - You mean this Gary? - Get out there and follow Gary's lead.
Tie a nice ribbon on it for me.
Joining the game is number 11 Gary Wallace.
- He's dead man.
- Hey, number 11, you smell more like number two.
( Laughing ) Good move, Coach.
Send in the girls.
( Whistle Blows ) Give it to Gary.
Give the ball to Gary.
Gary, take it down.
That's it, that's it.
Go down.
Come on, Gary.
It's all right, Gary.
Get it back.
Absolutely well-done.
That's it, that's it.
Gary! Get it to Gary! Yes! Get the ball to Gary! Get it to Gary! Shoot it! Yes! Shoot it, Gary! Yes! Yes! That's it.
Go down.
Come on, Gary.
It's all right, Gary.
( Buzzer ) Absolutely well-done.
Good shot! COACH: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
( Crowd Booing ) Chin up, Mr.
Wallace.
Great effort.
I'm sorry that the team let you down.
Man, whoever told you you could play ball? This boy has more talent than you and the rest of this team twice over.
You clean out your locker because you, sir, are off this team.
That's the last I want to hear about this matter.
Coach, a word.
Do you think it was wise to send Wallace into the game? The boy's how should I put this? Uh, athletically challenged.
Nobody talks about my boys that way! No one! I'm sorry you had to see that.
It's not my fault we lost the game.
I just went out there and gave it my best.
- The team let me down.
- You heard the coach.
Yeah, I heard the coach-- Babbling like a lunatic under Lisa's spell.
How's that groin pull, Ice man? Bodacious cheers at the game, ladies.
Thanks.
Quit the team.
We're asking nicely.
We're not.
Quit the team.
Now.
I don't know.
The coach is awfully fond of us.
Look, we're not going to let you two bonaduces flush our championship down the toilet.
- Get the picture? - Absolutely.
Think you could have caved in a little faster, Wyatt? - Sorry.
- I'm not quitting.
- And nobody can make me.
Nobody.
- To put it simply I want you to withdraw from the Buccaneer Roster.
- You mean quit? - That's putting it even simpler-- Yes.
Now try and see this from my perspective.
Should the Farber Regin that we've enjoyed for five championship seasons suddenly come to a halt our Coach Armstrong could very possibly end up being someone else's Coach Armstrong.
But everybody loves the guy.
More specifically everybody loves a winner.
And I'm not going a victorious Coach over the likes of you.
- Principal Scampi - If perchance I do, suffice it to say that your life here at Farber will be full of surprises.
There.
You see that? You shut your eyes a split second before you shot.
You can't teach that.
Mr.
Wallace I'm going to be coaching in the summer leagues and I'd be honored if you'd assist me.
You, too, Mr.
Donnelly as soon as that groin's 100%.
What do you say? - We're quitting the team.
- Quitting? - We have to.
Sorry, Coach.
- But why? I don't know how to put this, except to say when it comes to basketball, Mr.
Blow.
Mr.
Wallace Gary I've been a winning coach most of my career.
I thought that's what basketball was all about-- winning play out there you've shown me a new dimension to this game and that dimension of heart.
You got a heart as big as all outdoors, Gary.
If you quit this team now I don't see any reason for me to continue in basketball.
Well, that wasn't so bad.
I'm not quitting.
Come again? I can't let him down.
Didn't you hear him? No one's believed in me like that before.
No one.
If the Coach had his own brain back that speech would have sounded a whole lot different.
I'm a basketball player, Wyatt, and basketball players play basketball.
( Crowd Chanting ) Go, Buccaneers! Go, Buccaneers! Go, Buccaneers! Go, Buccaneers! Cheep up, Wyatt.
Maybe he won't show.
He had that "I'm going to do something stupid" look in his eye.
- What's the game plan, Coach? - I don't know.
I don't care.
It's just a game.
None of it matters anyway.
( Chanting Silences ) ( Shoes Squeaking ) Gary.
I knew I could count on you.
Listen to that, son.
That's all for you.
All right, everybody! We're back in business.
It's Gary game, just like last week.
Go, Gary! Go, Gary! Go, Gary, go! Come on, Wyatt.
Where's your school spirit? ( Whistle Blows ) - You going to be okay, son? - Yeah.
Maybe I should sit out a while.
I need you more than ever.
Only down 21, two minutes left.
Look, I know you're tired but remember, kid-- you got heart.
And it's beating like a rabbit.
This is too painful.
We should do something.
What "We'? You're the wonder genie.
All right, but I'm not going to do it alone.
Do you have that computer game? Pop in the basketball cartridge.
Gary will respond to every command.
What's your skill level? I just made level eight.
Then that's how good Gary will play.
It's up to you now, Wyatt.
The football game worked Basketball, football, it's all in the thumbs.
Is kicking legal? It is in this game.
All right! Yes! Yes! Yes! All right, Gary, wonderful job! Absolutely well-done.
Come on, Gary.
That's it, Gary.
( Electrical Buzzing ) - What happened? - Oops.
I think I over-amped its circuits.
- Fix it.
Gary's all alone out there.
- Wait.
He's doing okay.
COACH: Come on, Gary.
That's it, go down.
( Buzzer ) ( Whistle Blowing ) How did I do, Coach? Still proud of me? Coach? You may have won the game but that was some of the sloppiest ball handling I've ever seen.
You're still shy of varsity material.
But like I said you got heart, son.
- Thanks, Coach.
- Just keep it off my court.
Hey, ladies.
How are you? - This is my friend Wyatt.
- GIRLS: Hi.
I owned the court did you see me? - Yeah, I saw you.
- I am the master.
Look who we have here.
Captain Toe Jam and the bench-sucking butt boy.
- Leave him alone.
- Ooh, pom-pom girl.
Give me a "T.
" Give me an "A.
" Just give me five minutes.
I'll give you much more.
Now you're giving me something to cheer about.
( Chett Groaning ) You guys up for a little kickball? - Sure.
- Okay.
Captioned by Grantman Brown