Wendell and Vinnie (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Wendell! Found the source of that stink in the house.
And guess what.
This time, it's not me.
Look what I found in your backpack.
Let me see that.
Ew.
Gross.
Wait, wait.
Come here.
Ew! Gross! You got a real science project growing in here, pal.
I did have a real science project growing in there until you exposed it to light and ruined it.
Lucky for you, I have 2,000 extra credit points as a cushion.
Oh, hey, Lacy.
Hey, Wendell, Lacy's here.
Hey, Lacy.
You're here early.
I haven't finished your homework yet.
Don't sweat it.
I'm here for stretch.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, whoever you're working for, you tell them it was just business.
I'm selling candy bars so the school band can get new uniforms.
I didn't know you played an instrument.
I don't play an instrument.
I play the game.
Top fundraiser gets a bike.
Can I help you find your checkbook? Hey, hey.
Hey, Lacy, here's 20 bucks.
Just remember who supported you.
One day, I'm gonna ask you for a head start.
You can ask.
- Bye, Wendell.
- Bye, Lacy.
Make that paper, homey.
Hey, Wendell, how come you're not taking part in the sales contest? Oh, I don't know.
That's Lacy's thing.
I don't want to be a salesman.
I want to be a scientist.
You don't think scientists are salesmen? I mean, all those theories they have, they're just opinions.
Yeah, quantum theory, expanding universe, how parachutes work.
No one really knows.
Look, Wendell Sales is a basset family tradition handed down from generation to generation, right, Wilma? That's right, Vinnie.
Basset's sell.
It's what we do.
It's in our wheelhouse.
- In fact, your great-great Uncle Charlie sold wheelhouses.
And I, too, of course, am a professional salesman.
And I am a lawyer.
I sell more than anybody.
I mean, gosh, with our help, you can do this.
You are a basset.
Yeah, come on.
I couldn't teach you how to throw a football or a baseball Or a hockey ball.
You make my point for me.
At least let me teach you how to sell a candy bar.
You know what? Sure.
Who am I to fly in the face of family tradition? - Yeah! - Yeah! Whoo! I did it! Wow.
What are you talking about? I sold him, though.
You did not okay.
Okay, do I need to bring you back to a little year called 1992, when a certain blond majorette won a bike for being the top fundraiser at our school, beating out a certain gangly lit You.
I beat out you.
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe you're still talking about that bike.
Yeah, well, the point is, I crushed you.
Yeah, the free gift with purchase you gave the football team was more than I was willing to offer.
I never felt so good never felt so good.
I never felt so good never felt so good so wait a minute hey.
I never felt so good - Hey.
- Whoa! Back! Get off of him.
Happy! Oh, don't worry.
He won't hurt you.
He's just kissing.
Ugh.
I feel like I went through a carwash full of dog spit.
Ooh! I got a new business idea.
Where did you find this dog anyway? He found me.
I was on my way to sell my engagement ring, 'cause I decided it's finally time I move on from my ex-husband.
Okay, fine.
I'll go out with you.
Anyway, before I could even get to the jeweler, I pass this adoption fair, and this little guy just stole my heart.
Isn't he cute? Yeah, sure.
Now he is.
He wasn't so cute when he was stomping all over Tokyo.
He's big.
That's why the guy gave me these.
Shock collars? Taryn, these Oh! Ah! I was gonna say "cruel," but I am inclined to behave right now.
It made me think I had no choice.
The salesman had a hook for a hand, so I figured he knew something about safety.
Aha! I took Wendell to my office today, and we sold two cases of candy.
It seemed more like a threat than a sales pitch.
She said, "buy them or I'll make you wish you were never born.
" Sweetie, that's not a threat.
That's an incentive program.
Whoa.
Who let that beast in here? And why does she have a dog? Uh, this is the new man in Taryn's life.
Will he bite me? No.
Just don't make eye contact or any sudden movements or show fear or indifference.
You know what? Just wave.
Jeez, it's like visiting grandpa.
You know, Wilma, blackmailing your coworkers isn't exactly good salesmanship.
Wendell, grab a box.
I'm gonna show you how a real salesman operates, do a little of what we call in the business "cold calling.
" Whoa, happy! I guess we're going now.
He may have peed on the floor.
Just like grandpa.
Okay, first lesson: The door knock.
It's like a handshake.
Be firm.
Now, I'm not saying you bang on the door like, "where are your papers?" You know, you want a knock that says, "hey, I have something to tell you that's gonna change your life.
" Like so.
What the hell do you want? Yo it was him.
He did it.
Take it away.
Um, sorry to disturb you, sir.
Too late! Right.
Um, I was wondering if you would like to buy a candy bar to help our school buy new band uniforms.
Let me tell you something, Willy loman.
You knock on my door again, I'm gonna pull out your fingernails, and then I'm gonna feed them to my falcon.
You want to mark him down as a no.
Chocolate? Everybody already thinks I'm pregnant.
Mm.
This is pointless.
I can't sell anything.
Hey, hey.
You're a basset.
And bassets don't quit.
We just got to rethink our approach here.
See, it's band uniforms.
They're a tough sell.
No one looks good in band uniforms, except for flying monkeys.
Let's be honest.
Flying monkeys look good in everything.
Here, give me that.
I got an idea.
Uncle Vinnie, let's just go home.
Relax.
Watch me work.
Yes? Oh, excuse me, ma'am.
My nephew and I are selling candy bars to raise money to cure a rare disease called wilmanosis bacterius.
Will you help us find a cure? But Uncle Vinnie, there's Shh.
Save your strength, little hero.
He doesn't have long.
I don't have a disease.
Oh, not if you believe, little buddy.
Not if you believe.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
It's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay! Of wilmanosis bacterius he couldn't be here because he's delirious thank you.
Uncle Vinnie! Mm.
Hey, look, it's a miracle here he is.
Uncle Vinnie, you're selling under false pretenses.
So who gets hurt? The band gets their uniforms, you get a bike, and they feel good for giving.
Everybody's happy.
But it's not about the band.
You've got to stop lying.
This is bigger than band uniforms now, okay? My song's blowing up.
I've made almost $75, got three girls' phone numbers, and artistically, I feel like I'm on the verge of some next-level dylan-type stuff.
But it's wrong.
You can't just stand here and sell like this.
You're right.
We should change corners.
The chinese Michael Jackson impersonator is giving me the stink-eye.
By the way, it's billie Jean.
Well, look who's home.
Hey, Lacy.
You know, you're poaching my turf.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
There's no turf in the free market.
That's the way the West was won, sister.
Worked for everybody, except, of course, the native Americans, but you get my point.
You want to live by the rules of the West, then you can die by them too, right, partner? Hey, guys, I'm so glad you're here.
Happy! Bad dog! You cannot eat that! That's mine.
No, no, no! Hey, Taryn, you all right? Abby just swallowed my engagement ring.
Anyway, the principal called.
He wants to see us, all three of us.
- Uh-oh.
That's it.
It's over.
I knew it! The whole House of cards is crashing down.
I'm finished in this town.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Relax, relax.
Maybe he just wants to congratulate us on winning the contest.
Yeah.
Uncle Vinnie I appreciate everything you've done for me.
You took me in.
You made a home for me.
But I just want you to know, if you got me in trouble, I will flip on you faster than a chinese gymnast.
For a flesh-eating disease called wilmanosis bacterius? Your honor, before I begin I'm not a judge.
I'm a principal.
Oh, my bad.
You just you have a certain inherent dignity, so No, I don't.
What I was going to say, sir, it's all my brother's fault.
He's just mad because I was gonna beat him again just like when we were kids and I won the bike.
Now I'm mad because you accused me of breaking your precious bike when I didn't! Well, then, who did? Well, I don't know! Stop! Look, I have children who don't listen to me here.
I have children who don't listen to me at home.
And when I'm not with children who don't listen to me, I'm with my wife, watching her favorite show, jag.
In fact, the only time I have in my life when I'm not with children who don't listen to me or watching jag is frozen yogurt Friday.
But instead of sitting in the peace and quiet of the supply closet eating frozen yogurt and not watching jag, I'm here with you.
You know what's a good show is that ncis.
We love that show.
He's ruggedly handsome.
Oh! Wendell, you're a model student.
And I don't blame you for this.
But I am going to have to disqualify you for any credit you've earned on the sales you've made thus far.
That's more than fair, sir.
If you'll excuse me, we're now done here.
It's 12:27.
Good-bye, gummi bear toppings.
Ridiculous.
You know you know you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make a disease, vinniosis stupid head.
Oh, you're really good at that.
- You know what I'm good at? - Get off! - You know what I'm good at? - Stop it.
Hey, Lacy.
Hey, Wendell, we'll meet you in the car, okay? See you.
When I saw your sales spike up like that, I knew you had to be juicing.
This wasn't the way I wanted to do it.
It's okay, Wendell.
You couldn't do it any other way.
Yes, I could.
I could do this on my own.
No, you couldn't.
That's why you had to cheat.
You're a cheater.
Hey, if you really believe that, then maybe we're not friends.
I guess we're not.
It's pistachio.
It's pistachio.
Wendell, we're sorry.
Just come on down.
Your cold noodles are getting cold.
Yeah, I'm sorry too.
You know, we just got caught up in our own stupid sibling rivalry.
Yeah, Vinnie's just mad because he's the baby, and our parents used to always call him, you know, their little accident.
Shut up! You shut your face! They were joking when they said that.
Oh, were they? Yeah.
They wanted to have me to prove they could actually make good children.
Hey, come on.
Stop being mad at us.
I'm not mad.
I'm just Disappointed in you two.
Look, Wendell, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm more sorry than she is.
Stop trying to top me! Look, Wendell, I acted like an animal.
And I deserve to be treated like one.
Any time you think I'm behaving childishly, I want you to give me a shock.
That's your move? You think I can't handle a little pain? Ah! Ugh.
What was that? I guess this is your controller, so Ah! Ow! You All right, let's not Ah! Wilma, knock it off.
Wendell, tell her to stop.
Oh, I'm Vinnie.
I can't stand a little p Wendell, tell him to stop.
Where you going? To prove to Lacy and everybody else that Wendell basset is no cheater.
I'm gonna win that bike, and I'm gonna win it clean.
I'm going with you.
No, I'm going with you.
No.
I'm doing this my way.
If I have to do it your way to be a basset, then maybe I'm not a basset.
Watch yourself.
You watch yourself.
Ah! Let's just calm d - Ugh.
- Down.
Ah! Agh! Duh! Okay! Duh! Eh! Okay.
Let's just both be adults - I taught him how to knock.
- Shh! You? Sir, before you sic your falcon on me, surely you must understand how the arts are the soul of an education.
And without an educated populous, our very democracy is threatened.
Please buy a candy bar.
The fate of the nation depends on it.
Then we're all screwed.
I'm an orphan.
An orphan? - Full-blown.
No parents.
No siblings.
And my hamster doesn't look too well.
Great.
Now if I don't do this, I'm the bad guy who doesn't buy candy from an orphan instead of the cool guy with the falcon.
How many boxes you got there, oliver Twist? Five.
Give 'em all to me.
Come on.
Thank you.
I know you're there.
Sold five boxes.
Told no lies.
That boy's a basset.
Yes.
Yes, he is.
okay, band, thank you very much.
Take five.
Okay, that's enough.
Time to stop now.
Shut it! You're awful! How about that band? Hi, Lacy.
Joaquin, julio, guillermo Todd.
No matter what happens, I Hope we can find a way to be friends again.
What do you think, boys? That answers that.
And now I'd like to announce our top fundraiser and the winner of this brand-new bicycle, wow, in a remarkable comeback, Wendell basset.
We love you, Wendell! Thank you.
I thought this contest was a waste of time At first.
But I'm glad I did it because it feels good to win.
And knowing I did it on my own is prize enough for me.
That's why I'd like to give this beautiful bike to someone who really inspired me, my best friend, Lacy.
She deserves it.
Thanks, buddy.
I missed you.
You know, there's something I never told you about that contest we had 20 years ago.
I never said "congratulations.
" And there's something I never said for the past 20 years.
I know you're not the one who broke my bike because I'm the one who broke my bike.
It's just mom and dad were more concerned about how you would feel losing the contest than they were happy for me winning it.
That's why I broke my bike and blamed you, because I wanted them to be mad at you and feel sorry for me.
I know.
I knew all along.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
You just couldn't let me have my nice confessional moment, could you? You had to top me.
- What? - "Oh, I knew the whole time.
" It's the truth.
You think you're better than me.
I don't think You think you're better than me.
I don't think You think you're better than me.
All right, I'm better than you.
You're not better you are not better Hey, what is going on over here? - Nothing.
- It's all cool.
We're good.
Straightening up your Uncle's shirt.
Making sure we're a brother and sister who love each other.
We love each other! Ha-ha! I love him.
I love him so much.
Well, it took two hours and a pound of doggy laxatives, but he finally gave up my ring.
Turns out happy likes to eat shiny things.
Any of this stuff yours? Nothing I want anymore.
I don't even want that coffee table anymore.
I realized I'm not ready for another serious relationship.
So what, you're just gonna get rid of him? They found him a home with a huge yard.
Happy will be happier.
They're gonna swing by any minute.
I'm just waiting for their call.
I'm gonna let it go to voicemail.