Whites (2010) s01e06 Episode Script

Whites 1x06 Two kedgeree.
Two kippers.
One pancake.
How long on the bacon? Let's go! Let's go! Plate it! Where are my pancakes? Where are my pancakes? Pancake, I don't know.
Black pudding.
That's hot.
Come on! Oh, what was that?! Pick yourself up! Come on.
Why are you being such a dick? Just make me some coffee, you idiot.
- Everything OK? - Look at this.
One of the most technologically advanced pieces of machinery, they expect you to operate it before you've had coffee! Bib used to make your coffee for you, didn't he? Want me to see if he can pop round and do you a cup? He probably hasn't gone to start his brilliant new life in Australia yet.
What are you doing? It's twenty past eight in the morning.
I've been up since five, cooking sausages for idiots.
So if you don't mind, I'm going to have a little drinky.
You need to get it together.
Morning, morning.
Mummy's here.
Caroline, I just Caroline, are you drinking in the kitchen? Erm .
.
yeah, just a little heart-starter.
Well, if you are Ooh! Ahh! That'll knock the cockles off.
Walk with me, Caroline.
You looking forward to tonight? The party? Yes.
I'll be there.
Robin's coming down too.
It'll be lovely for us to spend a proper night together - Closey eyesies.
- What? Close your eyes.
Open! - Can I close them again please? - Ta-dah! What do you think? My little surprise for tonight.
All right? Hiya.
What you doing? Yes.
I'm familiar with pinatas.
But I want it to be a surprise.
So do you think you could sneak it in - and hide it before the rest of the staff arrive? - Yes, hide it.
Hide the giant elephant.
Good girl.
- All right? - Hiya.
What you doing? Just getting Officer Trumpton ready for tonight.
- What's that? - The spit valve.
- Is that all your spit? - Yeah.
That's just from practising.
That's cool.
All right, Kiki? That for the talent show? - Yeah.
- Nice one.
I'm doing a song.
What about you, Skoose? I'd rather slam my cock in a car door.
Right, well I'll see you back up there, Kiki.
DOOR CLOSES Are you really not doing anything tonight? Can I have a go? Yeah! BREATHY NOTE PLAYS Hey! That's brilliant.
Most people can't even do the mouth right.
There you go.
Got some of my spit in there now.
Urgh.
All mixed together with mine.
Yeah.
Ah, CVs are SO dull.
Just a big list of milestones and achievements.
You see, just by you handing me this and nothing else, you do come across as a bit of a bighead.
Just give me the headlines.
Everything I need to know about you in five words.
Er Barnaby Thompson Interesting.
You use your own name for your first two words.
Maybe the next three should be "is arrogant man".
Can I take the first two back please, chef? Go for it.
Uh Devoted Passionate - Hard-working with a hyphen.
- Excellent.
Learnable? I'm not sure that's a w I can see what you're trying to do.
Trying to say "is capable of learning" without using four of your words.
Right.
Er Talented.
You know what, Barnaby? You could very well be using those exact words to describe someone else in this room.
Let's spin this thing around.
Is there anything you want to ask me? Er just what is it you're looking for in a sous chef? What is it I'm looking for in a sous chef? Hold that thought, Barnaby.
I'll be with you in a couple of minutes.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
That's fantastic.
They sound great.
Just send them over whenever you're ready.
Later.
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm good.
- How are you? - Yeah, great.
Really good, yeah.
Just come down for some table cloths.
Right.
That was Kelly from HR, Human Resources, just chatting about all the applicants we're getting for sous chef.
Got to interview them all.
I'm amazed you can get reception all the way down here.
Underground.
Nobody else can.
What network are you with? It's an Indian one.
You do it online.
Phone-Tel.
They're new.
What you doing here? Picking up my whites.
Right.
Cos technically they belong to the hotel.
Don't worry, though.
I won't tell.
No good to me anyway.
I'm not going to find another chef your size am I? Ya big galumph.
No, I expect you won't.
- See you later, Roland.
- Don't go, Bib.
Pardon? I didn't say anything.
- OK.
- Come on, Bib.
This is crazy.
You can't go now.
We're this close to a Michelin star! No, we're not, Roland.
There are stars in the sky closer to us than a Michelin star.
- That's not true.
- Yeah, it is.
- You don't even want one.
- I do! If you do.
What happened to you? You used to have passion, you'd get so excited.
You'd be in that kitchen every minute of every day.
Yeah, and I used to have a life, Bib.
I used to have a wife, and a house.
I was young.
Now look at me.
What do you see? A much older man with lady's hair.
It's this job, it's taken everything from me and it's given me nothing back.
The job hasn't taken anything from you, Roland.
Rebecca left you because you took her for granted.
She didn't.
She left me because I knobbed a pastry chef.
Two pastry chefs.
Audrey was not a pastry chef.
She was still at college.
Goodbye, Roland.
- What about tonight? - What about tonight? The party.
I can't do the act on my own.
Why? Why not? Means you get all the glory.
Which is just how you like it, isn't it? Go on, then! Go! Go to Australia! Go to Wonga Donga Beach.
I hope you get caught in a rip! Should I go? (HIGH-PITCHED) Hello! Caroline, there you are.
Oh.
God.
I just wanted to see you before I leave.
Erm I guess this is goodbye.
Oh, come here.
I'll miss this old place.
Stop it.
You're going to start me off in a minute.
Thank you, Caroline.
I shall miss you.
Goodbye.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Bye.
Weird seeing you in your civvies.
It's like when you're young and you see one of your teachers in the pub.
- I guess it's nice you think of me as a teacher.
- That's not what I said.
It's strange seeing you in a suit.
Feel like I'm at a juvenile court.
My mum did actually buy me this for a court appearance.
Is that true or is that a joke? You'll never know, will you? - Good luck, Skoose.
- You too, Bib.
Don't bum too many blokes.
I'll try and keep the bumming to a minimum.
See you later, chef.
Hey, Celia.
Just want to say thank you.
For well, everything.
Ah, you're very welcome.
Did you have a nice stay? No, Celia it's Yes, I had a lovely time.
Thank you.
Bib! Bib! Stupid Stupid Pinata works.
What, are we not talking about the elephant in the room? Don't make jokes! Celia is going to go mental when she sees it.
It was going to happen tonight, in front of a baying lunatics.
I was just putting it out of its misery.
Roland, come on.
Pull yourself together.
You're meant to be interviewing.
I don't want another sous chef, Caroline.
I want Bib.
Bib's gone, Roland.
Face it.
- He's not coming back and you need to move on.
- Move on? I can't move on! It's too soon.
There's another applicant in your office right now and you need to do your job.
You'll have to get rid of them.
I'm not seeing anyone else today.
I can't.
It's way too soon.
I'm not interested in another Hello.
Marvellous, Beatrice, marvellous.
Well, look, it's been wonderful, really wonderful to meet you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Wowa-weewa.
You got a funeral? Who died? Er I'm here for my interview, chef.
Ah yes.
Look, I've been giving this a lot of thought.
I really have.
An incredible amount.
Ooh, my knees.
Thing is, I'm not sure you're ready yet.
Maybe in a couple of years, yeah? Yes, chef.
That's it.
The Skoosinator! She was a showgirl With yellow feathers in her hair And a dress cut down to there She would merengue And do the cha-cha Hi, Celia.
Welcome to Hot Bananas.
What's your poison? Uh I'll have an orange juice and lemonade.
You can have ONE, can't you? We're celebrating.
You have one.
Don't want to be a fun sponge.
No.
- I'll have a large gin and tonic, please, Celia.
- No dice, toots.
- Beg your pardon? - We only do what's on the board.
In that case, I'll go for a Rum-Bongo.
Poppet, that was the farm.
Candida's dilated.
- I'm sorry? - Candida? My Hampshire sow? She's been ready to pop for days.
You know this.
- OK, so what does that mean? - I have to go.
She needs me.
Does she? Look, if I can, I'll try and come back after I've You know what they put in those, don't you? Skin, hair, teats.
Sometimes a bit of arsehole finds its way in there.
Sometimes you're better off dead There's a gun in your hand It's pointing at your head Nice though, ain't they? In restaurants in a west-end town Call the police There's a mad man around Running down, underground To a dive bar In a west-end town A dead-end world East-end boys and west-end girls In a west-end town A dead-end world Party! Thanks for that.
Ruined my suit.
Sorry, I thought it would be funny.
Oh, ha-ha-ha! Why are you so sad? I'm not the sad one.
Look at this tit.
At least he's up there doing something.
Not just sitting there sulking, like a kitten stuck in a teapot.
- I'm not sulking.
- "I'm not sulking.
" - I'm not.
- "I'm not.
" - Kiki - "Kiki.
" - Look! I just want to be left alone, all right, Kiki? I just want to have a drink on my own.
I'm not in the mood.
You're never in the mood.
West-end girls.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wonderful, wonderful! Now then, let's keep this train chugging along to Funland and welcome our next act to the stage, which is Kiki! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This is my favourite ever song.
SHE PLAYS THEME TO "BLACK BEAUTY" Underwear.
OhCaroline.
What's more important - a woman or a pig? What? Nothing.
Just my fiance would rather go and shove his arm up a pig's vagina than spend the evening with me.
Right.
Decisions, decisions.
Why aren't you at the party? - I'm getting changed for my act.
- Thought I'd come and find you.
Ah, Beatrice - She was nice, wasn't she? - Yeah, she was good, actually.
Trained under Pierre at Bridge House.
Under? Sorry? She's very pretty, Roland.
Yeah.
I need to get changed.
So can you just close the door? Sure.
DOOR CLOSES What are you doing? Nothing.
He loves you, you know.
- What? - Bib.
He's the best thing that's ever happened to you, and you just took his heart and trample, trample, trample, trample, trample, trample, trample Yeah, all right.
I get it.
Right.
I feel sick.
So I'm going to go and deal with that and then I'm going to have another drink.
- All set? - No.
This is ridiculous.
I should have just pulled out.
Oh, don't be silly.
Darling, you'll be soopy-doops.
Shit.
I can't do this by myself.
Hello, Roland.
Bib.
What's You said you weren't coming.
I know.
- But - Roland Look, wait.
Don't say anything.
You were right, Bib, OK? I'm a dick.
I did take you for granted.
I'm sorry.
And I want to wish you and Sarah good luck for Australia and in your life together.
I want you to be happy.
You deserve it.
- OK, now the moment we've all been waiting for.
- Sarah's pregnant.
Welcome to the stage our very own head chef Rolaaaaaaaaand.
Gay! Bib's pregnant, everyone! Thanks, guys.
Thank you very much.
It took a while but we got there in the end.
And there's more good news.
Sarah doesn't want our children to have Australian accents, so Which means I'm going to be staying put in my old job.
I'm not going anywhere! Hit it! Call me good! Call me bad! Call me anything you want to, baby (Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You didn't mention anything about that before.
) - Pardon? (- Do you think we should talk about this in private?) What are you doing? (When we spoke earlier you were pretty much definite you weren't coming back.
) - Yeah? I was angry.
- I know, - but the fact remains that I've had to move on.
- Move on?! - Roland I've been gone 14 hours! - Bib I didn't know you were going to get pregnant! - Neither did I! - That thing's not supposed to work.
It's a low sperm count Roland, not a no-sperm count.
Who is it? It's him, isn't it? Skoose? Of course it's not Skoose.
I'm not going to make Skoose my sous chef.
- He's about 12! - Well, who is it then? - Her name's Beatrice.
- Beatrice?! - Caroline made me do it.
- What? I begged her not to get someone else in, and she made me.
You know what she's like.
Walks around with a stick up her arse.
Do this, do that.
I promised Sarah I'd get my job back Roland.
Look, don't panic.
This Beatrice woman is gorgeous.
You know what I'm like.
We'll be working late one night, prepping a function.
I'll knob her.
She'll be gone in a month.
COUGHING - (Roland.
) What? I think everyone can still hear us.
-(Shit!) - One, two, three MUSIC PLAYS Shit, oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
- This is bad.
- Yeah, this is really, really bad.
This is so bad.
THEY LAUGH Those weepin' eyes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All right? MUSIC PLAYS I never can say goodbye No, no, no, no, I I never can say goodbye Every time I think I've had enough And start heading for the door There's a very strange vibration Piercing me right to the core It says "turn around you fool, you know you love her more and more" Tell me why is it so? Don't want to let you go I never can say goodbye, boy Ooh, no, no I never can say goodbye, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no, no, ooh, ooh I never can say goodbye, boy Ooh, never, no I never can say goodbye, no, no, no no no no, no-no-no, ooh-ooh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The thing is, in Aus tralia everything is dangerous.
Sharks, snakes, murderers in the outback.
That couple who disappeared? Could have been you and Sarah.
Dingoes steal our baby! Yes! See, dingo.
Steal your baby.
You don't want to go all the way out there, Bib.
Much better right here.
It's good to have you back, Bib.
It's good to have you, too, back, Roland.
The nice you.
Love you, Bib.
Love you too, Roland.
You'll do breakfast tomorrow, yeah? Oh, what do you know? Since there's nothing above There must be something below So take those pictures off the wall No-one will believe you till your world starts to fall down.