Why Are You Like This (2018) s01e06 Episode Script

[upbeat percussive music playing]
I just threw up.
- What? Where?
- In the street.
Are you OK?
I mean, yeah, I feel better now.
- Maybe it was something you ate.
- But I haven't eaten anything.
The only thing in my tummy was cum
and a multivitamin.
Oh, maybe that's why I threw up.
Are you sure you want to go to this talk?
I mean, how entertaining
can this Alma girl be?
Literally all she does is draw cats.
Yeah, she's gonna draw a cat
live on stage.
It's gonna be cute!
You said you'd come with me.
I just…
There's a two-for-one deal
at this Korean spa today,
- and I thought
- The planet is dying,
and her art
is the only thing that gives me hope.
Hope is lame.
What are you, a Swedish teen?
I think I might do well in the apocalypse.
I don't eat much,
and I can hide in little crevices.
Penny, you had a panic attack
when you misgendered a dog.
You would die immediately.
- Oh, no.
- What?
- Oh, no!
- What?
It's Alma.
- Is she OK?
- She…
She's been
Tell me!
Canceled.
[opening theme music playing]
Her merchandise was made
in a sweatshop in Cambodia.
You mean that merchandise?
I can't believe she would let this happen.
Oh, they're really going for her.
It's like Ivy Park all over again.
Beyoncé, too?
Oh no, I'm sorry.
- Oh, I didn't know!
- Shh.
We can't go to this event.
I'm done with her.
Good for you, Penny. Live your values.
Unfollow.
Unfoll Oh wait, I have to un-retweet.
Why are you calling me?
- To stress me out?
- [Mia] Hey, Austin.
Thanks for the free Alma Chen tickets,
but we're not coming.
- What do you mean?
- [Mia] Well, turns out Alma's
- pretty problematic
- I refuse to be complicit!
Penny refuses to be complicit.
- No! You have to come!
- [Mia] Sorry, babe!
Love you!
Spa time.
Alma Chen has arrived!
Iron your shirt.
Hey, Sandi.
I actually ironed my shirt
before I came into work.
Then why do you look like a pig?
Austin, I'm joking.
- Oh. [chuckles]
- It's fine! It's cool!
I'm a fun manager! [laughing]
Seriously, though,
your shirt's unacceptable.
OK.
And don't forget to get Alma's coffee.
She requires an affogato 45 minutes
before she goes on stage.
So the event is still, like, going on?
With everything people are saying online?
Austin.
What does your badge say?
Does it say
"online controversy services" or…
does it say "artist services"?
Artist services.
So your job is to serve the artist,
get an affogato,
- not look like a pig.
- [Austin laughs awkwardly]
OK.
By the way, did you happen to get those
comps that we talked about organized?
- 'Cause if you forgot
- All taken care of.
But just make sure those seats are filled,
because empty seats would reflect
very poorly on you.
[laughter]
[whispers] Fuck.
I've unfollowed Alma on Instagram,
Twitter and TikTok.
Austin's not happy.
Oh, Ranx!
- [Penny] What the
- [Mia] How can you even
[Penny] What is it even supposed to mean?
I don't know, that Muslims have tits,
and he'll jack off to them if he wants?
Who even likes these shitty murals?
[man] OK, turn around.
OK, cool, yep. Love it.
That's hot. Yeah, that's hot.
I need cucumbers placed gently on my eyes
by Korean women, immediately.
Can we just go home
so I can take this shirt off?
Can't believe I'm wearing something
that was made in a sweatshop.
Oh, don't feel too bad.
Boycotting sweatshops does
absolutely nothing to help the workers.
Well, I'm not going to support
child labor.
You know, if you don't let
those children work,
they starve to death.
So what are we supposed to do?
Dismantle capitalism.
- I'll get right on it.
- Honestly, relax.
My family literally had child servants
in Bangladesh.
- Excuse me?
- What?
If they don't become maids in our houses,
they become child brides in the village.
- Is that what you want?
- Ah
I just, I feel like I'm hearing
from the perspective
of someone who had servants and not…
the servants.
Like, this girl, Melissa
Oh, I'm sure Melissa from Coburg
is an expert
on improving labor practices in Asia.
Am I supposed to listen to the rich girl
from Bangladesh
or the poor girl from Melbourne?
Hmm.
Some people use critical thinking
instead of trying to find
the most oppressed person in the room.
Fine, we're going!
No, no, no, no, Alma's bad.
You were so right. Alma's so bad.
Oh, you're all anti-child labor now?
- No, please, Penny.
- Oh!
I told Austin we're coming.
[Mia] OK.
You seem a little stressed.
You know what would help?
A mineral salt massage.
Mia, I'm about to go off.
I'm gonna go right off.
OK, I'm sorry.
What time does the talk start?
Let me see.
Since we're probably running late now.
- [Mia] What?
- Nothing.
Penny, what is it?
Nothing has happened,
and we are now going to the Korean spa.
We just said
we're going to Alma Chen.
Alma Chen no, Korean spa yes.
Are we getting our skin peeled?
Like little bananas.
Yes!
OK, so you are coming, right?
[Penny] No, we were coming,
but now we're not coming. Again.
[Mia] Hi, Austin!
OK, please, please,
you have to come, OK?
I put aside very good seats for you,
and they are comps.
So if they are empty,
it's going to be
really bad for me, OK?
- That doesn't sound that bad.
- [Austin] Well it is that bad, OK?
If you're not there, my sociopath boss
is going to anamorph into a crow
- and peck me to death.
- It's not like you'll get fired.
Actually, I probably will get fired,
Penny, because I'm on probation.
OK? And you are ruining my life.
Oh, sorry.
Um, could I please have one taffiagano?
What the hell is that?
Uh, a fantaccino.
Austin, what is Melbourne known for?
Right-wing graffiti.
- Coffee!
- Coffee. Yeah.
So either you're stupid
and I should fire you,
or you're being difficult,
and I should fire you.
Please don't fire me.
How do you not know the difference between
an affogato and a frappucino?
Is it like something to do
with like the amount of chino?
- Fix it.
- OK.
[ambient music plays]
Do you wanna get snail mucused?
I feel bad about Austin.
It's fine.
I'm sure Austin won't get fired.
Getting a job was literally part
of his mental health recovery plan.
If you're not vibing the mucus,
we can get something else.
No, I'm vibing.
Why did you change your mind about Alma?
[sighs]
Alma did cultural appropriation.
What kind?
She wore a sari.
Why didn't you tell me this before?
As a white person,
it is my job to shield you from
micro-aggressions wherever possible
[Mia] Penny, I don't need you
to protect me
from other women of color.
She was probably just at a brown wedding.
She was at Coachella.
[scoffs]
I don't care.
It's fine if she apologized.
Did she apologize?
Well, of course she apologized,
but South Asian women are speaking out
I speak for all South Asian women.
Mia, I really don't think
Are you about to silence
a woman of color?
We're going to the talk.
- Can
- Help!
Can someone help?
Can we get some help in here?
What is an "affi garzo"?
[Siri] The fruit of the plant,
also called an avocado,
is botanically a large berry
containing a single large seed.
[scoffs]
- Are we close?
- Yes, but I demand a bubble tea.
You didn't let me go to my Asian spa,
so I need my Asian drink.
You dragged me out of that spa!
OK, it should just be up here.
What is it with this guy?
How can you say gay people are pedophiles
when you're painting children
as leather daddies?
We have to do something.
We should start a Neighborhood Watch
program to stop art.
I'm tweeting at the council.
We don't have to live like this.
No.
[both] Oh, come on!
[all chanting] Down with Alma Chen!
She's homophobic!
She's racist!
Her cats are cute,
but her policies are bad!
- Affogato, affogato, affogato…
- Hey!
[woman] Hey, hey!
This guy words for Alma Chen.
[protesters] Shame! Boo!
Why are there, like, six of you?
'Cause a lot of people
are busy on a Tuesday.
Why don't you losers get a job
and start contributing to society?
Like me?
Why would you work for such an awful,
homophobic person?
Money.
Excuse me
Look, I'm just trying to keep
a job here, OK?
Isn't there like a gay wage gap
or something?
Oh, I was just wondering
if there were any tickets left.
We love Alma's art.
Oh God, no, I'm so sorry. It's sold out.
Actually, you two go to the box office
right behind you
and tell them that your names
are Penny and Mia.
- Tickets are on the house.
- Goodness. Thanks!
You're welcome! [chuckles]
"Addogafo, addogafo…"
When was that tweet even posted?
The layout is gross, so it's old.
So it could be a 2009 fag or a 2015 fag.
Mia, can you just
Hi, what can I get you?
Can I please get a jasmine green,
no sugar, half ice,
with lychee jelly, please?
And I'll get a milk tea.
Please, don't say that word.
Oh, I'm just saying,
no one would say it now,
but everyone used to say fag.
- Shh!
- I've literally been called that word.
[Mia] In fact, I'm bi.
I should be allowed to say fag today
if I wanted to.
Mia, my gay co-worker is over there.
Please stop.
No
Hi there.
My friend thinks you have a problem
with me saying the word fag.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Considering that I'm bisexual,
and that the word was initially used
as a derogatory term for women
that was then applied to effeminate men,
which, of course, the worst thing
a man could be is woman-like, right?
Please leave me and my daughter alone.
[Mia] Thanks.
Thanks.
Mia, I don't know what to do.
You just stab fast
and believe in yourself.
No, I meant about Alma.
I just, there's so many red flags,
and it's so complicated and
What do you want? Just use your brain.
I don't want to use my brain.
Well, as a bisexual woman
Don't try to tell me you speak
for the entire queer community as well.
I didn't know Daniel had a daughter.
Does that mean Austin fisted a dad?
Dads can get fisted too, Mia.
Fuck.
- You OK?
- Yes, sorry, don't worry.
I just, I
I desperately need an "addogaffo."
- You mean an affogato?
- Yeah, that. Do you know what that is?
Yeah, it's a shot of coffee
and a scoop of ice cream.
Oh my God, like a coke spider.
Yeah, like a little…
Italian spider.
[laughs] Yeah. Yeah, totally.
I know what you mean.
Sorry I can't help.
I'd make you one, but I've gotta get
these keys back in five minutes.
My boss is crazy.
Yeah, no, I can totally relate.
But look, um…
I should get your number.
Just to see
how this affogato emergency plays out.
You're totally right.
It's like a,
it's a super important affogatto.
Uh,
- your phone's ringing.
- Oh.
Um, thank you so much for your help.
Matt.
Matt? Austin.
What the hell do you want?
Well, I've already given
your tickets away, so…
No, I will not speak
for the entire queer community.
Well, that was rude.
Come on, man!
Maddie doesn't deserve this.
[Mia] So everyone's just OK with this guy
painting BDSM children
and Muslim tits all over the city?
But Alma goes in the trash?
That's so unfair.
Nothing's fair and everything's pointless
because everyone who isn't us
are idiots who should die.
You know what? I'm over it. We're deleting
Twitter and turning our phones off.
I'll lose all my drafts.
If they were any good,
you'd have tweeted them.
You're right.
- We're off the grid.
- We're going to Alma's talk,
and I don't care
if it's the right thing to do
because I'm giving up,
and that's my choice to make,
- and it feels good.
- But didn't Austin give away our tickets?
Don't ruin this moment.
We just need to get across the river.
- Without using our phones.
- Oh, right.
[upbeat music playing]
I hope someone's ready
for their affogatto!
[woman crying]
[Penny] I didn't know
they did boats, either.
We don't really have a choice, Mia.
- [Mia] Well, it seems a bit desperate.
- [Penny] We are desperate.
Julie.
Penny.
Yeah, things have been great
since I was let go.
I'm sure you remember,
since you were there.
Oh, there's our dock.
Oops!
Missed it.
- No we haven't.
- Mia, just leave it.
[Julie] Yeah.
We were going too fast to stop.
What are you, some kind of sex trafficker?
[scoffs] Julie's a boat driver,
and she's doing a great job.
Penny, I'm turning my phone back on.
We're too vulnerable.
Oh… wouldn't want you
to feel vulnerable.
Where are you taking us?
I will not be sex trafficked
on the fucking Yarra River.
- Come on, let's jump.
- What? No! We won't make it.
[Julie] You…
fucked me, Penny!
Oh my god. It's right there.
Let's just jump.
[Penny] We won't make it! No, no, no!
We probably shouldn't have jumped.
[phone chimes]
[loud protests]
[woman] Alma Chen is
a homophobic bigot racist!
Shame!
[Austin] Penny!
Come, come. Upstairs, upstairs.
[protesting continues]
[knocking on door]
Alma.
Austin, what's going on?
OK, these are…
Fuck, you stink.
These are two of the most online people
I have ever met,
- OK? And they're here to help you.
- We are?
[both] Hi.
No one can help me.
My life is over, and I deserve it.
No you don't.
I can't draw a cat like this!
Look, those losers get upset
over everything.
[Alma] But they're right.
I just don't know
how I can fix it at this point.
I know what to do.
Every nightmare…
Every sleepless night spent worrying
about what I would eventually do wrong…
How I would fix it, if I could fix it…
What I'd say…
[Alma] What, like an apology?
Not just an apology.
The perfect apology.
Mia, make a list of every possible
marginalized group
that Alma could have hurt.
Austin, start donating to charities
for those groups.
Alma, give him your credit card.
And now… let's make this right.
Never make an excuse.
Never say: "If you were offended."
You know they were.
Thank the people who yelled at you.
That's just a rule.
Apologize only to the groups affected.
No one else matters.
And finally, a picture of yourself.
It humanizes the subject,
eliciting a more compassionate response.
And now…
we wait.
- [tweets beeping]
- [uplifting music playing]
Thank you so much. I owe you.
Hey, knowing I could help
an amazing woman of color…
- OK.
- [Penny] …is a reward in and of itself.
It's gonna be OK.
I have to get ready for this talk.
Seriously, if one more thing
had gone wrong today,
I I would have crumbled.
Thank you.
[protesters chanting] Shame Alma Chen!
Shame Alma Chen!
You know what? Fuck those morons.
Shame Alma Chen!
Shame Alma Chen! Shame Alma Chen!
What is wrong with you idiots?
Don't you have anything better to do?
[woman] Than fight for justice?
- What's more important than that?
- Oh my god, she made a couple of mistakes.
And she's apologized for them.
An apology can never take back
what she did to voiceless victims.
It is not that dire.
Who here can say they've never done
the same as Alma?
I know I can't.
What?
Well, then you should be in jail
for animal cruelty, too!
What have you been doing?
Hey, Sandi. I've just been convincing
Alma Chen to go on stage.
Seeing as I basically saved
the entire event today,
maybe I am cut out
for artist management after all.
Austin, she's fled the building.
What?
Please tell me you had nothing to do
with this tweet.
You're a cat abuser, just like Alma.
Cat abuser.
[protesters chanting]
Cat abuser. Cat abuser. Cat abuser.
No, no, I love cats!
Oh, sure you do, cat abuser.
[chanting] Cat abuser. Cat abuser.
Cat abuser. Cat abuser.
What did Alma do to her cat?
Fuck off, it's canceled.
["The End of the World"
by Skeeter Davis playing]
[Austin sighs]
Why does the sun go on shining? ♪
Why does the sea rush to shore? ♪
Don't they know
It's the end of the world… ♪
[protesters chanting]
Cat abuser! Cat abuser!
…'Cause you don't love me any more ♪
Why do the birds go on singing… ♪
- What a depraved lunatic.
- Oh my god, it is disgusting.
You should have to do jail time for this.
Well, at least they took her cat.
I can't believe we helped a cat abuser.
That cat would have been shitting
in its own shit for, like, weeks on end.
Alma Chen is the fucking worst.
His line work is very good, though.
- It's very good.
- I had to take my glasses off.
I was like, is that…
[Penny] The colors.
It's the color palette.
- [Austin] Very impressive.
- [Penny] Very pleasing to the eye.
- [Austin] Mmm.
- [Penny] Also very upsetting.
[Mia] Yeah, because of the shit.
[Penny] And the tits,
but mostly the shit.
["OMG" by Sampa The Great playing]
- Where man go ♪
- Oh my gosh ♪
- If a man see me ♪
- Oh my gosh ♪
I guess you never know
What you got till it’s ♪
- Gone ♪
- Oh my gosh ♪
- Where man go ♪
- Oh my gosh ♪
- If a man see me ♪
- Oh my gosh ♪
I guess you never know
What you got till it’s ♪
- Gone ♪
- Hey ♪
- Hey ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Hey ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Hey ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Hey ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Hey ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Hey ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
What a man says he is, he is… ♪