Wild West (2002) s01e06 Episode Script

lt's about to take off! A high-sided dog, in this weather? - Asking for trouble.
- Yeah.
- l'm off to the big smoke.
- St Austell? - Be careful.
- No, London.
Drive carefully.
Tiredness kills.
Every few minutes - Hit yourself.
- Poke yourself.
- Slam your hand in the car door.
- Hold on.
Have l told you my quick way to London? - No? - Good, l don't want to tell everyone.
- l've a man staying in my cottage.
- Yeah? ls he single, or in a ''loving relationship''? Single.
His name's Martin, he's here to relax.
Please don't hurt him or steal from him.
And sit! - OK? - Yeah.
Got any plasters? - Can l buy just one? - just one? Now, can l invite you into the 21st century? - lf you're quick.
- Have you seen this? 21 jewels.
- What does that mean? - l dunno, but it's a lot.
Yeah, it is.
lt's a new range.
You should sell 'em.
People need watches.
They do everything.
- Square or rectangular? - Which is better? Square.
They won't sell.
People live here to get away from complicated things like watches.
- Tourists? - They can't afford watches.
Couple of organic pasties and some clotted cream and they're broke.
Watch this.
(PLAYS CAN-CAN) Ooh, she does a little dance! Look! - She does a dance! - lt's just a watch! Oh, she's doing a dance! A little dance! But no, Doug, no.
Go away, Doug.
Go away, go away! Go away! Go away! Made in Switzerland, or thereabouts.
l've got some in the van.
- Yeah, all right! - Oh! Good! Cock! Holly! Holly! (MAN SPEAKS ON RADlO ) - What's wrong with your radio? - Hello, Angela.
lt's the Cornish language segment on Radio Cornwall.
lsn't it lovely? No.
A couple of those booklets of stamps, please.
- But you run the post office! - Yeah, we've run out.
Thanks.
Bye.
Gros merci.
There.
- Hmm.
Peas will be on the crisp side, OK? - That's fine.
Holly was banging on today that we should all learn Cornish.
Yeah? And that's funny, is it? - Well - lt's a good idea.
lt's a fine language.
- l speaks Cornish.
- No, you don't.
My granny spoke it and she taught me.
- Granny Lovelick? - No, Granny Hoare.
OK.
Um Slig woo spicktoo.
- That's ''Fetch my knitting.
'' - Really? Takes me back.
Um Weewok tregoona ssyssk torl.
''Ooh, aren't you getting tall?'' Count to ten in Cornish.
Un, deu, try .
.
figo, quiggly .
.
simba .
.
woof, ake, ninkum .
.
bobble.
- ''Bobble''? - Yeah, ''bobble''.
- So if nine is ''ninkum'' - ''Ninkum'', yeah.
What's 99? - Ninkumty ninkum.
- So you're making this up.
Possibly.
- Windy, huh? - Yes.
Got a saying down here.
''Bloody wind.
'' - That's it? - We got another saying.
''Don't go making long sayings when a short saying will do just as well.
'' - No, we actually have got that saying.
- Right.
So, are you just passing through or are you gonna stay awhile? l'm staying at Gilly's.
Do you know her? - Yeah, she's lovely, super.
- l don't know her very well.
She's an absolute bitch.
Calls herself an actress.
Actrocious, more like! Bollocks for brains.
Says she knows jeremy lrons.
Excuse me while we faint (!) - l know her reasonably well.
- She is lovely, though.
l love her to bits.
So, er, want a slurp of mine while you're waiting? No, thanks.
Oh.
How do you spell ''moistening''? - l'm Mary.
- Hi.
Martin.
So we both start with ''Mar''.
- Yeah.
- Sounds like we were made for each other.
- What's your surname? - Hope.
Yours? Tregwednack.
Not quite so close, is it? - Maybe we can have a poke anyway.
- Sorry.
Suicidal pets, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.
A glass of wine, please.
- What should l see while l'm here? - Noticed the sea? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- Excuse me, do you have the time? - Ten to one.
Can you tell me what time it is in Sweden? What? No.
Oh.
You can with this one.
- Ooh, haven't seen that one for a while.
- No.
Not really sure about it.
ls it too much? No.
No, it's lovely, that.
Super.
Oh, l bumped into Gilly's friend Martin today.
- What's he like? - He's nice, very nice.
Aussie.
Think l'm in there.
Did he make a move? He might as well have.
We chatted.
By the end, he was standing in a puddle of male hormones.
You could stand a spoon up in the pheromones.
Sex with a man.
Sex with a man.
Funny old business.
- lt's been a long time for me.
- Hmm.
- There's lots of hair, isn't there? - Hair everywhere.
They're carpeted, basically, aren't they, men? - Hmm 'Ere, do you remember Craig? - Mmm.
Oh, God, l loved him so much! - Yeah.
- But sadly, it wasn't to be.
No.
Because he was imaginary, wasn't he? He was.
Yep, he was.
Still, six foot one in his pants, Craig.
- Owned his own quarry - Sleep now.
Do you mind? - First time in Cornwall.
- We're a long way down.
A lot of people get as far as Exeter and think, ''Bugger this, l'll stop here.
'' Makes you wanna weep.
Yes, yes, it does.
- The beauty.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Do you live here? - Yeah.
l came down 15 years ago after a nervous break For a holiday.
Met my friend and never left.
l wanted to, but she kept hiding my handbag! - What about you? You're American? - Guilty! l loved Bill Clinton.
That business with the blue dress.
We've all been there! l came to relax.
ln London we have our shoulders around our ears! Down here, when we're tense we do this - He what? - He invited me on a picnic.
- Don't you think l should go? - No! No, no.
- Go! Go! Yeah.
Go.
- What should l wear? Oh, let me think, now.
Picnic, picnic.
A tiny little provocative bikini? - What's up? Are you jealous? - No.
We both know the arrangement.
Yeah.
- Shag around, why don't you? - l won't go if you don't want me to.
- No, that's perfectly fine.
- Excuse me.
- l'm looking for the bus stop to Plymouth.
- Yeah, go on, piss off back to Devon! - Gonna buy a watch, then? - No! They've bitten off more than they can chew! lt's electric bun-makers all over again.
l don't need a watch.
l always know what time it is within three minutes.
- lt's like my party piece.
- My party piece is No, l've never been to a party.
- Hello! - Holly.
Drink? What do witches drink? ls urine a popular ingredient? Milk, please.
Alcohol makes me say silly things.
- lt don't stop me.
- Remember me at the Millennium? - Embarrassing.
- l weren't invited.
l've come to invite you all to a special Cornish evening at the village hall.
- What's Cornish about it? - Cornish food and Cornish country dancing.
- Over-Cornish.
- Too Cornish.
- l think l'll go.
- Us too.
- They filmed ''Poldark'' here.
- Uh-huh? They did the nude hang-gliding scene here.
- Have you got enough blanket (?) - l get the blanket 'cause l live in the area.
Get off! Stop it, l've got a terrible temper.
l come from an angry family! - DON'T, you're making me cross.
- You can't have a temper, living here.
- lsn't this fantastic? - Yeah.
(MARY SlNGS lNNOCENTLY) No! You, too? Having a little picnic? - Hello.
- Hello.
just ignore me.
lgnore me.
l'm not here.
- That's a nice boat.
- Yeah, it is nice.
(SlNGlNG CONTlNUES) - l like boats.
- Hmm, they're good.
- Yep.
- Sailing.
Ooh! Ooh, a wasp! Bloody great wasp there! Be careful.
At least it's not bees.
l'm allergic to bees.
Ooh! Ooh! There's a bloody great bee! So he goes into the doctor's surgery with a steering wheel down the front of his trousers.
Doctor says, ''What's that?'' And the man says, ''Dunno, but it's driving me nuts!'' Those are meat fuggins, apparently they're very ancient, and that's squab pie.
Dunno about those.
Let someone else eat those.
- 65 pence.
- No.
Clingfilm has never been 65 pence.
lt's been 90 pence since the last century.
- Hello! - Hello! Leave it! Ladies and gentlemen, leave off your jammy crab and fishity pie and let the cumyee commence! Hello.
This is jowan Trevidic.
He is one of a growing number of Cornish speakers, which is cool.
lt's, like, really mystical and ancient.
lf we all learn it, we can communicate with each other, like a secret code.
He'll be calling the dances.
Anyway, take it away, you! Meraz! Meraz a tui.
Meraz.
Gotewidar.
Hanem.
Ock wi lowen? ln mawl gennok owr disco and dance.
Kinsal an dus abak clap.
Andus clef.
Dus.
An benines - benines - deco.
Gentlemen, this side, ladies, that side.
Camu ros vir.
An un dow tre lammer lammer an un dow tre.
ln rad in van nans aplek.
Tre stank, stank.
Tre stank, stank.
Dow, dow, dow, stank, stank.
Belor? Fortha, dans an ilo.
(SCRATCHY MUSlC STARTS) Camu ros vir.
An un dow tre, lamek, lamek, an un dow tre, an un dow tre, lamek, an un dow tre.
An un dow tre, pudger.
Heve! A basture! los madio! Madio! Oh, bollocks to you, then! Thank you, jowan! Martin asked me to live with him in London.
l said yes.
Right.
That's coming along nicely.
lt's lovely.
- Lovely lettering.
- Thanks.
l'm sorry, butl think it's the right thing for me to be doing.
Does Martin know about your bottom problem? - l've mentioned it to him.
- Right.
Good luck.
Hope it works out.
l suppose l'll just have to find someone else to do the little things that we do together.
Maybe Holly and l can .
.
make the marmalade this year.
Will you be able to cope with the traffic? l think so, yeah.
The buses are open at the back up there.
Easy to fall out.
- Thousands die there every year.
- l know.
l lived there.
The buses are red to disguise the blood that splatters l'll be OK! l'll have Martin.
(MARY) So don't shoot him, you think? - No.
- Not in the leg, as a warning? No.
You're right.
What am l saying? l could poison him, couldn't l? ls that legal? No! l dolove her.
l know.
At first, we only slept together 'cause everybody else in the village was taken.
Now, as the years go by, the feelings grew into a sort ofquite a big love.
- jake.
- Mary.
Now, jake.
Are you sure you don't wanna buy a watch? - Yes, thanks.
- Oh.
Got the time on you now? Oh! Do you want a watch, jake? Yep, OK.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) (BANGlNG) - Hello! - Come in (!) l gather Angela's gone shopping.
- Listen, l - Afore you say anything, can l just say Piss off back to London, you cocking love-rat! No, just kidding there! What l actually meant to say was, holiday romances, Martin, they're fantastic.
You've got the scenery, ice cream, the excitement of the new library up Mevagissey.
But all this just plays tricks on the genitals.
What will you do when you have to get her home? lt's like bringing back your favourite pudding from a restaurant in a doggy bag.
ln the morning, it looks like it's been twice through a dog.
l think Angela can make up her own mind.
Oh, dear! Well, l can see this is gonna be a long 'un.
(OPPRESSlVE ClTY SOUNDS) There's me and Angie sharing a sack in the annual church sack race.
Ahh! We were disqualified from that.
Drug-taking.
There's a policeman outside the shop.
Still, we're chuckling at everything! Thank you for sharing your memories.
But l love Angela.
l want to spend my life with her.
Right.
Well, l didn't want to have to do this.
l was just wondering how well do you actually know Angela? (NURSE) joan, you're not allowed to wear that! (MARY) What's wrong with him? There she is.
Hello, Ange! - What's that? - lt's a video camera.
Say something funny! Go on! Something funny? ls it funny? Makes you laugh, does it? She has been sort of stable for a couple of years.
Martin! Get off me! Are you going without me? Bastard! You make me sick! Piss off! (CORNlSH LANGUAGE PLAY ON RADlO ) Exactly! You showed Martin that video.
Yeah.
ls that OK? To be honest, l don't think l could have coped with London.
- St Austell was bonkers.
- Was it? Bonkers, was it? People walking around, talking on the phone.
lt's getting like Tokyo.
You wanna stay down here, maid.
We got a saying here.
''You can only uproot yourself so often ''before the roots that are rooting stop sucking the goodness from where they've rooted ''right here where they're staying.
'' lt's one of the longer sayings.
So How was it to share a bed with a man again? Oh, the usual.
Yeah.
Go on, talk me through it.
No, stop it.
Talk me through it! Start at the top and work down.
No, start at the bottom and work up.
No, start at the middle and work round.
Start with the front middle.
What was going on? - Well - Yeah? Actually, something rather odd was going on.
Was he going like this? ''Ow! Ow! Ow!'' No, 'cause the front middle can't speak, can it? - Depends.
- No, not in humans.