Wilfred s01e06 Episode Script

Can't find that in Cheboygan.
Huh? Why don't you help me out here? Yes, ma'am.
Ha, ha.
Oh.
Ha, ha.
Uh, hey, Ryan, I, um, didn't see you there.
Yeah, I didn't see you either.
That's so weird that neither of us saw each other.
You remember my boyfriend, Drew? What's up, bro? Oh, we're gonna put some burgers on the grill later.
Maybe crack some brews, uh? Yeah, you should come.
Sounds fun.
Here comes the corny nickname.
Hey, see you then, Ry-Guy.
Here comes the part where he carries her into the house like a Viking on a rape-quest.
No, no, no! Come on.
He's gonna wreck that, mate.
I know how you feel about Jenna.
Stop pretending this whole Drew situation doesn't make you sick.
I'm surprised you still have an appetite.
What am I gonna do? She's dating Drew and he doesn't seem like such a bad guy.
Hmm.
Not a bad guy, huh? Have you any idea what it feels like to have someone come into your house treat you with no respect, and act like they own the place? Did you eat my sandwich? Oh, I get it.
Because I'm a dog, right? I can only imagine what you would say if I was black.
Hey, Ryan.
Wait for it.
Yeah! Rye Bread! Hey, Drew a Blank.
Ha! Burgers will be up soon.
Have a seat, bro.
Uh I don't mind standing.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Hey, Wilfie, down.
Go on.
That's it.
You love your big daddy Drew.
Yes, you do.
Now sit.
In the dirt? Wilfie, sit.
Ah.
That's my boy.
Wow.
I've never seen Wilfred so well behaved.
Oh, he's always like that with Drew.
I think it's the sound of his voice.
Yeah, he's got a pack mentality.
Dogs wanna please their alpha, so they like to know who's in charge.
Look, I live and breathe Cheboygan Lager sales.
So when I find out this Milwaukee's Brew guy is talking to my clients, here's what I do.
I go into his territory and I take 15 store managers out golfing in one week.
And before I know it, my sales are up 40 percent.
About a month later I see this Milwaukee's Brew guy at a bar.
He's looking all drunk and depressed.
Hmm.
Turns out, he lost his job.
Aw.
So I bought him a beer.
A Cheboygan Lager! Come on! Yeah! Don't you think that was harsh, Drew? Insert moronic sports metaphor here.
When it comes to beverage sales you either swing forthe fences or you get off the field.
Nauseating.
I don't understand, Wilfred.
If you hate Drew so much, why do you do everything he says? I don't know, Ryan.
Why do you do everything I say? I don't.
Hey.
Wilf, drop it.
Now.
Dogs shouldn't eat from the table, Ryan.
Makes them think they're our equals.
But that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun now, does it, Wilfie? Do that again and I swear What, what? Careful, Drew.
Oh, it is on.
Oh, Wilfred loves to wrestle.
Here we go.
Bring it on, bitch.
I wanna punch your perfect white teeth down yourthroat.
Great guy.
Ha, ha.
He really is.
I just wish he wasn't so competitive.
You fur ball.
You gotta be competitive to be good at sales, right? Yes, but sometimes he takes it too far.
Last Christmas, my dad beat him at Wii Golf and he got so angry he threw the controller through the window.
I was so upset I didn't talk to him for a week.
Well, nobody's perfect.
Well, that's true.
Ha, ha, and Wilfie is just crazy about him.
I'll bite off your ears and box the bloody holes that remain! And he's got a good heart and he makes me really happy.
Ha, ha.
All right, I think the big fella is all tuckered out.
Your death will be my holiday.
Hello? Ryan, it's me.
Wilfred, what's wrong? Back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back orgasms.
That's what's wrong.
I'm hanging up.
What? Ryan, lt's me again.
We can't slt by and let this caveman get his naughty-boy on with the love of ourlife.
Ormaybe you need some more convincing.
We have to get rid of Drew.
Wilfred, Jenna is in love.
I don't wanna hurt their relationship.
Why not? Because it's wrong.
Stop bothering me.
I will not stop bothering you until Wilfie, quiet.
Gotta go.
Yeah! Right there.
Oh! Put your legs up.
Put your legs up, please.
Come on.
Come on, Bear, work with me, here.
Aah! What's the use? You see what Drew does to me, Ryan? I'm so emasculated I can't even raise a fencepost for stupid old Bear.
I need your help.
What you're asking me to do goes against my conscience.
I couldn't live with myself.
Really? But Drew sex-punching Jenna for hours on end, you can live with that? Look, we just have to be patient.
Long-distance relationships almost never last.
From what Jenna tells me, it sounds like they've got problems.
From what Jenna tells you? So you guys are like girlfriends now.
No.
This is how it started with Jenna's old college chum.
Bobby "Blue-Balls" Davis.
Hmm.
The only scoring he did was the triple-letter bonus on their nightly Scrabble game.
You wanna go down like that? You're running out of time.
Hey, you here to pick up Wilfred? Actually, I was gonna ask you to keep him a little longer.
We're going out to dinner to celebrate.
I'm coming to L.
A.
, bro.
I'm moving in with Jenna.
Looks like you better start brushing up on your seven-letter Scrabble words.
Here's a few for you.
Sexless, flaccid, dry dick.
Shall I go on? All right, here's what I'm thinking.
We wait until Drew is asleep and then we put his hand in warm water.
Then, just when he starts to pee himself, we take a rock and crush his skull.
That's your plan? Well, how would you kill him? What's the one thing Jenna hates most about Drew? Vaginal tearing from his huge cock.
He's a sore loser.
Look, all I have to do is beat him at something and make sure Jenna is there to see him lose his shit.
That is the stupidest, most ridiculous Actually, that's pretty good except for one thing.
Drew is a born winner and you're you.
That may be true, but there is something I'm really good at.
Ah.
Here we go.
What the hell is that? My old chemistry set.
"Little Suzie Baker's Oven.
" What are you gonna do? Challenge Drew to a bake-off? That's my sister's.
Behold.
The instrument of Drew's destruction.
My ping-pong paddle from when I was all-state table-tennis champion.
So chemistry, baking and ping-pong.
I guess my only question is how were you not blow-jobbed to death by the entire cheerleading squad? The Beagle has landed.
Wilfred.
I'm sorry, man.
I tried to get him in the house and he ran over here, you crazy mutt.
Going somewhere? Oh, yeah.
Some play downtown.
Jenna's almost ready.
You're a ping-pong guy, huh? I dabble.
Yeah, I used to play.
Used to? Yeah, I kind of promised Jenna I'd lay off competitive sports for a while.
Sometimes I get a little too intense.
Ah.
That's cool.
You don't seem like the ping-pong type anyway.
What do you mean? Well, you're a big guy.
Usually, ping-pong players are quicker.
I'm pretty quick, bro.
I guess I'll have to take your word for it.
You know what? What the hell.
One game won't kill me, huh? Let's set it up.
Well done, Ryan.
Don't screw it up.
I got this.
Oh, I got lucky.
Yeah, you did.
Get in the body bag! Yeah! Wilfie, quiet.
Ryan, serve.
There you are.
Right on cue.
Drew, what are you doing? The show doesn't start until 3, babe.
We'll be quick.
But we had a deal.
Come on, it's just a friendly little game.
Right, Ryan? Totally, bro.
Oh, yeah! Get some! Heh.
Should have warned you.
Back at the break room of Cheboygan Lager, I was 192-0.
Oh, yeah.
43-43, tied again.
Bloody hell.
Come on, Drew, we're a half-hour late.
Can't we just say the next point wins? Hey, those aren't the rules, Jenna.
I think that's a good idea.
Fine, whatever.
Your table, your rules.
Next point wins.
I thought you said you were good.
Seen more aggressive ball-playing in an airport men's room.
Get your head in the game.
Oh! No! Yeah! Cheboygan Lager, bitch! That's how we do! That's how we do! Yeah! Yeah! All right, babe, let's go see that play.
What? I'm not going to the play with you.
I'm not going anywhere with you ever again.
Wait, Jenna.
That was awesome.
I've never seen Jenna so upset.
You don't think that pains me too? But that's the price we pay for true love, Ryan.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go tear a new asshole in the back of Bear's neck.
Hi, Ryan.
Do you wanna come in? No, uh, thanks.
I'm actually just waiting for a cab to the airport.
Jenna broke up with me.
Really? I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Uh I just wanted to come over and apologize.
Uh I'm embarrassed.
Well, we both got a little heated there.
It's like I know what I'm doing is wrong and I just can't help myself.
Like with that Milwaukee's Brew guy.
I didn't actually buy him a Cheboygan Lager.
I bought myself a Cheboygan Lager and then I spit it in his face and told him to lick my balls.
What's wrong with me? Something.
Yeah.
Now it cost me the most important thing in my life.
I just wish I was more like you.
You seem so in control.
Anyway, take care, man.
You too.
That was hilarious.
Ha-ha-ha.
Did you see how destroyed he was? Um, yeah.
Ha-ha-ha.
I feel bad.
Just your conscience being a gaylord.
He's gone, Ryan.
The tyrant is exiled.
He was on the wagon and we threw him underthe bus.
We need to fix this.
The only things that need fixing are your tangled transportation metaphors.
We got exactly what we wanted.
No, you got what you wanted.
You always do this.
You manipulate me and you don't listen and you push and push and push until I finally give in and do something I know is wrong.
I don't like your tone, Ryan.
Why? Does it remind you of someone? You know, you may not have liked Drew, but at least you respected him.
Blah, blah, blah, shut up and go make yourself a sandwich.
I'm hungry.
And this time, don't put so much Did you just? You can't just All right, Ryan, point taken.
I guess you're in charge now.
Yeah, I guess I am.
So, what would you have me do? I want you to help me undo the mess we made.
That's gonna take some thought.
Um Is it all right with you if I go and comfort Jenna while I ruminate on that subject? Yeah.
Sure.
Mm-hm.
May I be excused? Hi, Jenna, it's Ryan.
Look, I'd really like to talk about what happened with Drew.
Give me a call back when you get a chance.
Hello? WILFRED [OVER PHONE Hello, Ryan.
Wilfred, what's going on? Calling to see if you'd followed your conscience.
Any luck getting Drew and Jenna back together? I'm working on it.
Oh, good.
I'm very happy for you.
Too bad you won't be around to see lt.
What are you talking about? Did you enjoy your brownie, Ryan? What, how did you? I made it for you.
I hope you like my secret ingredient.
What did you put in it? Oh, nothing, really.
Just a powerful neurotoxin that is coursing through your bloodstream as we speak.
What? Did you think I'd give up my alpha status without a fight? I wonderwhat your outlook is, Ryan.
All signs point to death.
Where are you? I'll never tell.
Ha-ha-ha.
And if you think you'll find me then you've vastly underestimated the depth of my brilliantly Oh, hey, Ryan.
What's this about poison? I didn't manipulate you into getting rid of Drew just to let your conscience screw it up.
I had to poison you.
I don't believe you.
I don't believe you would do that to me.
That's the neurotoxin eating away the part of your brain that allows you to believe things.
Are you feeling weak? Is your heart racing? Is your mouth getting dry? You think you're more powerful than me, don't you, Ryan? Well, I have news for you.
Give me that.
Never, but I will let you have it.
Are you all right? You saved me.
Why did you save me? It was the right thing to do.
After everything I did to you? I will never understand humans.
This is the reason why we will ultimately defeat you.
Wilfred, focus.
What did you poison me with? Theobromine.
Oh, my God.
You've heard of it? No, but it sounds terrible.
I can't believe you poisoned me.
I can't believe you bopped me on the nose with a newspaper.
Bopped, Ryan.
I neverwanted to dominate you.
I just didn't wanna be dominated by you.
Oh.
If I make it through this, I'm gonna start listening to my gut more.
And you're just gonna have to accept that.
Understood, mate.
Hell, maybe you're onto something with all this conscience stuff.
I'm starting to think I should stop doing that thing to your mouth guard.
What thing? What did you do? Shh.
Conserve your energy, mate.
Dr.
Caden, call the operator.
Well, it looks like you're okay, Mr.
Newman.
Your blood test showed zero toxicity.
But I ingested a large quantity of theobromine.
So did I, when I had a Hershey's bar.
Theobromine is a chemical found in chocolate.
So it's not poisonous? Only if you're a dog.
Chocolate? Ask him about the raisins.
I put raisins in there too.
Well, it's official.
Jenna forgave Drew.
They're back together.
I'm sorry to hearthat, Ryan.
I'm sorry for both of us.
If it's any consolation, I promise not to try to kill you again.
I appreciate that.
I wouldn't drink that if I was you.
I'll get you a fresh beer.
Just pour this one out.
What's wrong, mate? I'm still thinking about Jenna.
I know what will cheer you up.
Bear, come here.
I want you to meet my friend Ryan.