Wonderfalls s01e06 Episode Script

- Previously on Wonderfalls.
- Don't give her money back.
You can't talk.
You don't have a larynx.
- Have a pancake.
- I don't want a pancake.
Were you just talking to the cow creamer? When I say it talked to me, I mean it opened its mouth and words came out.
I'm almost numb enough to start something on the rebound.
What do you say? I may be clinically insane.
You might wanna hold out for someone a little more stable.
I like Niagara Falls, and I like you.
- [Jaye .]
See anything? - [ Aaron .]
No.
Wait.
No.
This trailer park is void of activity.
Shouldn't you people be having hoedowns or shooting beer cans or something? - Stop wasting film.
We have a mythical beast to document.
- Mine! - You're gonna break it.
- What do you care? You stole it from work.
It was in the lost and found bin.
It's a victimless crime.
He's such a tease.
I haven't seen so much as a flip-flop in a year.
You don't feel at all like you're exploiting this guy? Uh-uh.
What's the point of living in a trailer park if you can't take in the local color? And by that, I mean spy on the freaks.
We're all spying on freaks tonight.
Talk to any cow creamers recently? Not recently.
No.
You think maybe he got so fat he can't get out? [ Aaron .]
His door's very narrow.
He only opens it for food.
It's pizza night, so he'll have to open it wide enough to get that box in.
If your portly Chupacabra doesn't emerge soon I'll be forced to go home and work on my dissertation.
I don't call him that anymore.
He might be of Mexican descent.
I don't wanna seem insensitive.
- What do you call him? - Fat Pat.
It was Fatsquatch, but-- So, Mom and Dad think you're over here studying Jesus and Zeus - and Buddha and all the rest? - Uh-huh.
So, do Mom and Dad know you talk to things that don't talk? It is impressive how long you've managed to fleece them from your ivory tower of academia.
I'm not fleecing.
I'm working really hard on my education.
Just not right now.
Pizza van approaching.
- [ Knocking .]
- [Jaye .]
Get the door! - You get it.
- It's my mythical beast.
- [ Woman .]
Hello? - I'll take lots of pictures.
It'll be like you were there.
Anything over 500 pounds, start snapping.
- Oh, hi, Mrs.
Beattle.
- Now, I've asked you to call me Marianne Marie.
- No, thanks.
Um, I'm really busy.
- Sorry, kitten.
I was just seeing if--you had any mail delivered here by mistake.
Haven't got my disability checks in months.
Pizza guy is leaving his vehicle.
- Hi.
- Hi.
No checks.
Thanks for coming by.
- Pizza guy's knocking.
- Pizza.
Well, the county claims they sent it.
Would you mind giving a look-see? Sure.
[ Aaron .]
Trailer's moving.
A lot.
- A lot, a lot.
- I really need that money, doll.
I've never been the same since the hysterectomy.
And the muffin business has been B-A-D.
- Uh-huh.
- My psychic says I need to advertise.
- Did he open the door? - I gotta get me some investors real quick or I'll be pulling up stakes.
- Oh, no-- - Well, they already evicted me.
- Supposed to vacate my plot a week ago.
- [ Shutter Clicking .]
Just keep waiting for my checks.
- Door's open.
- Can you come back later? Just take a peek.
Oh.
- Whoops.
- Did you find 'em, sugar? - Well-- - Keep 'em here.
- Is that a joke? - Keep 'em here.
- No, I was just asking if you'd found 'em.
- Chupacabra! - Oh, there's a shadow.
- I found this.
Is it yours? Has your name on it.
I'm so stupid.
Well, no, I didn't find anything then.
- But you'll still keep an eye out? - Mm-hmm.
- Bye.
- Thanks, hon.
Yeah, okay.
- Oh, God.
A hand.
An arm.
- [ Shutter Clicking .]
- It's over.
- No! - He closed the door.
- Oh, no.
No.
- No.
! Crap.
- [ Creaking .]
I thought your ''in search of'' exploits were over.
I was feeling nostalgic.
Fat Pat reminds me of a simpler time.
When you were more of a bitch? Or we could just say it was a simpler time and leave it at that.
It's not like I was chasing him on a motorcycle.
- You think he's unphotographable? - Like a vampire? More like a black hole.
Maybe he's so dense, he defies the laws of physics and light refraction.
- I think you admire him.
- I do admit the whole shut-in thing has a certain appeal.
Dress is optional, and there's the part where you get to avoid people.
Untied shoelace.
- Staple it.
- And other things that talk.
You don't have to be a shut-in to avoid people.
I'm not a shut-in, and I'm avoiding people right now.
But you punch a clock for the man.
Fat Pat answers to no one.
- What's he doing? - Ignore him.
It's employee evaluation week.
I think you're obsessed with Fat Pat because he's a bigger freak than you are.
Are these reconnaissance? Are you trying to help him? Who are you talking to? I don't help people.
- [ Grunts .]
- My baby! [ Baby Giggles .]
- My baby.
! - Here.
I think it soiled itself.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Stop.
- It's all right.
Poor baby.
- What? - Nothing.
- I'm sorry.
Oh, poor baby.
Wait, how long has this been stuck in here? Oh, my gosh.
My grandmother's ring.
I thought we lost this.
Oh, for God's sake.
Stop it! You need therapy.
Some analysts believe talking to inanimate objects is a way to create a reality that's more supportive.
But it's not a reality.
It's a delusion.
I asked her why she stole your brass monkey.
You know what she said? - She still has my monkey? - She said it told her to.
And then she acted like she was kidding, but she wasn't kidding.
The monkey talked to her? Like the cow creamer? Totally like the cow creamer.
Who do you think she's talking to? You mean, who does she think she's talking to? No, I mean, who do you think she's talking to? She's not talking to anybody.
Aren't you getting your Ph.
D.
in comparative religion? Yeah.
So? Moses talked to a bush, didn't he? You're not suggesting she's like that Margaret chick who talked to God about her period? I'm only suggesting a state of mind.
What are you suggesting? Nothing.
She's not talking to God.
That would be a delusion.
Interesting.
Wh-Wh-What did you just write down? A note.
Are you an atheist? As a theologian, I feel it's irresponsible to define myself in those terms.
- But, yeah.
- A theologian who doesn't believe in God? There are more of us than you would think.
And yet, you're threatened by the idea of your sister talking to God? I'm not threatened.
I'm worried.
Worried that you sister might be insane or worried that she's not? She has to be.
This isn't me.
It's humiliating.
I don't save babies.
- You saved that baby.
- I didn't do anything.
That baby looks like a human shield in your hands.
Thank you.
See, this woman knows me.
- She knows this isn't who I am.
- This is not who she is.
She knows I'm not considerate of my fellow man.
Well, you didn't use to be.
You seem considerate to me.
- More or less.
- You didn't know me before.
- Before what, exactly? - Before-- considerate things started happening around me.
- But I know you now.
- And you think I'm a baby-saver.
And now everybody's gonna think I'm a baby-saver thanks to the Ogwehoweh Reservation Newsletter.
Okay, so maybe not everybody.
But the Seneca Indians who read this paper will.
- I can't have them running around thinking I save babies.
- I'm three percent Seneca.
Then you can tell your people I won't be saving any other babies.
Spread the word.
Sore feet.
Give the lady a chair.
Oh! Ow.
Ow.
Somebody's using that.
- Oh-- - Oh! - [ Mahandra .]
Oh, no.
- Oh, man.
- Why don't people watch what they're doing? Damn! - Sorry.
This woman is not an employee and The Barrel cannot be held legally responsible for her actions.
I just get this shirt, and it reeks like rum.
It reeks like rum.
There's a towel, but it kinda smells like sour milk.
I don't know which is worse.
Hi.
There's rum in my virgin daiquiri.
Dude, that was my daiquiri.
Sorry.
I've been sober for 20 years,jackass.
Thank you.
You just saved my sobriety.
I didn't mean to.
Hey, take that thank-you back.
- I didn't earn it.
- Where are you going? To a meeting.
I had nothing to do with that.
Mrs.
Beattle? Mrs.
Beattle? Marianne Marie? Mrs.
Beattle, did you take your allergy pills with Gallo again? Ew! [ Gasps .]
Fatsquatch.
- Do you know the muffin man - [ Heavy Breathing .]
Who lives down Brewery Lane [ Humming .]
- Muffins.
- [ Screams .]
He's out.
Hello? [ Creaking .]
[ Creaking .]
Did we have a rapture? Fat-flops.
! Uh, Pat? Fat Pat.
All of these pictures are of me.
Are you stalking me? No.
No! I'm doing an exposé on, um, people who are-- or people who were, uh-- You know, life in the trailer park.
You're making fun of me.
- This one says ''Fat Pat.
'' - No.
That actually says ''Pat Pat,'' like Pat squared, 'cause there's so much of you.
I mean, in terms of the number of pictures.
Some of the ink must have rubbed off.
Um, that's, um ''Patsquatch.
'' - Um, Mrs.
Beattle is missing.
- So what? You think I ate her? No, but I did see your flip-flop tracks.
You were in her trailer.
- So were you.
- After she was missing.
Hey, how'd you get in here? The keys were in the door.
I wanted to use your phone to call the police.
Someone broke into my trailer.
- Oh, that was me.
- No kidding.
What were you doing in there? Harvesting hair from my shower drain for your pillows? No, I was just-- Ew! - Ding-dong.
- Hi! Forty-five minute bus ride then I gotta sit on my keister sweating like a pig all day in those felt-covered bank chairs and nobody wants to give me any money.
Will Muffin Buffalo never roam? I'm sorry.
I'm just feeling down.
County still doesn't know what happened to my checks.
- Anything turn up here? - Um-- - No.
- No sign of'em.
Well, hell.
Hi.
Fa-- Pat shut off your stove.
Your muffins were burning.
[ Gasps .]
My muffins! Oh, thank you.
I had to fetch Gwen from the bus stop and push her back to her trailer.
She's having trouble getting her wheelchair down the driveway since they re-graveled the road.
Who are you? Oh, my Lord! Didn't you use to be a real big, fat person? I wanna go home.
Lordy, Lordy.
Hey, open up.
I feel bad.
Not because I was making fun, because I wasn't.
But you seemed upset so we have to talk about this.
Hello? I won't be ignored.
[ Clattering .]
Help! Help! - Help! - I'm not gonna hurt you.
Get outta here.
Why does it do that? It's a broken axle.
Would you please get out of here? Please let me explain.
Please.
Okay-- I'm not a stalker and I wasn't making fun of you, and that's really all I got.
You think I'm stupid? I know you people make fun of me.
Even the tranny in the wheelchair makes fun of me.
Sometimes I open my window, and I listen to you people talk.
Can you tell who's saying what? Your voice is very distinct.
Okay, I lied.
There was fun-making, but not the malicious variety.
Not intentionally anyway.
You know what it was? It was fear of the unknown.
But now I know you, so I'm not afraid anymore.
You don't know me.
Nobody knows anybody.
Not really.
And even if you think you do, chances are you don't.
Besides, how's anybody supposed to know you if you don't ever get out of your trailer? I can't leave my trailer, okay? I'm still fat.
I need to lose 1 2 more pounds before I reach my goal weight.
- Then-- Then I can think about leaving.
- You know who doesn't know you? You don't know you.
You think you're fat, but you're not.
When was the last time you looked in the-- You don't even have a mirror.
I couldn't find any my size.
Here, see, you're not fat.
- I am fat! - Ugh-- You need to get out.
See yourself the way other people see you.
I know how other people see me.
They see Fat Pat.
You're Nonfat Pat.
And I think it's time the Greater Buffalo region labeled you correctly.
I just wanna be left alone, okay? I don't really like other people.
Well, then we have that in common.
- We do? - Yeah.
I'd be homebound too if I could get away with it.
- But I can't.
- Then you're not trying hard enough.
You haven't met my family.
- [ Pat .]
I don't think I'm ready.
- I don't think I'm ready either.
- Maybe we should go.
- Okay.
Hello, sweetheart.
I thought I heard you.
Aw, you must be Patrick.
I'm Karen Tyler.
Welcome to our home.
Is he the shut-in? Hiya, Pat.
I'm Darrin.
Picked a good time to poke your head out.
It's not often we manage to corral all the Tylers for game night.
- You have such a good heart.
- [ Darrin Continues, Indistinct .]
Just make sure you establish boundaries.
[ Darrin .]
Sharon got a little out ofhand.
[ Mouths Words .]
[ Darrin .]
There's still lots to choose from.
[ Sharon .]
Aaron.
! A little help please.
[ Darrin .]
These aren't Yahtzee dice.
What are you doing here? - It's game night.
- You never come to game night.
- Hello.
- Hi.
This is Patrick.
I only made four taffy apples.
Two of us are gonna have to go without.
You should try one of these, Patrick.
It's a blue-ribbon recipe.
From 4-H.
No.
I don't-- I don't want one.
Get it away! Pat's on a diet.
- You seem so fit.
- Really? [ Chuckles .]
I have lost a lot of weight.
Sharon used to be a husky girl before she slimmed down.
Weren't you, dear? Cup of tea? I thought that cow didn't have a head.
Your brother glued it back on this afternoon.
Did he? Now that's just crazy.
Interesting choice of words.
Are you two not getting along? - Um, i-it's a bike.
- A circle.
A stick.
Two circles and a stick.
A frog on a bike.
''Rainbow Connection.
'' Uh-- A crazy person.
Someone who's insane.
A lunatic.
- Evel Knievel.
- Yes! [ Laughs .]
In your face, losers.
Little man.
Little man down.
Looking little man down.
It's a cow.
And it's talking.
It's talking to a man.
No, to a woman.
! Looking down.
Look before you leap.
! - Yes! - [ Laughs .]
You guys suck.
What category were you looking at? I love winning on game night.
The shut-in is certainly bringing out Sharon's competitive streak.
You guys are going down.
- I think it's time for him to leave.
- Uh-huh.
I saw that.
- Saw what? - She was talking to the cow creamer.
No, I-- I really wasn't.
Don't tease your brother.
What did the cow tell you to do? Aaron, making an ass of yourself.
Come on, guys.
Focus.
Are we playing a game here or not? I hope they liked me.
Do you think I'll be invited back? I hope they liked me.
Do you think I'll be invited back? How often do they have game night anyway? - I think that may have been the last one.
- Oh.
- Well, that's too bad.
- Uh-huh.
You know, I feel like I understand you so much better.
You're more real to me.
You're not so cold and unfeeling.
I'm really glad you forced me to be your friend.
Let's find you some more friends.
I don't want to hog you all to myself.
I'm not ready for more friends.
Sure you are.
You just need to put yourself out there.
Maybe over there by those drunk girls.
- Are you trying to get rid of me? - Course not.
Hey, wanna go get me a beer? A shot of vodka's only 5 5 calories.
But I-- I could get you a beer.
All this blah-blah of a nice, new you and come to find out you changed just because you met a guy.
You don't know what you're talking about.
And I haven't changed.
My situation has changed.
Uh-huh.
More blah-blah.
So, how long have you two been seeing each other? She's sort of been obsessed with me for years.
She has entire photo albums dedicated to me.
- Really? - Normally, I'd find that creepy but she's not ugly.
If I had to order someone out of a catalog to be obsessed with me it would probably be her.
She's-- She's never mentioned you before.
She's probably embarrassed because of how deeply she cares about me.
- The Fatsquatch? - Yup.
And no longer ''in search of.
'' He's right over there.
Well, what did he do with all his extra skin? You know there's extra skin? It occurred to me.
He says I'm his only friend.
- You have to move.
- I can't do that.
It's like I just took a baby bird out of the nest.
If I ditch him now, he'll die of neglect.
- You have to move.
- When did I become the nice one? I was just asking myself the same thing.
You know, I expected more from your big reintroduction to society.
It was better than I thought it would be.
I thought I was gonna be shot in the stomach and robbed.
So, um all things considered, I had a really great time.
Yeah.
Wish it didn't have to end.
Okay.
Bye.
[ Mrs.
Beattle .]
Don't be scared.
Coming up right behind ya.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, well.
Sheriff came out this afternoon with my third notice.
Said to leave by Friday or I go to jail.
- I'm really sorry.
- Oh, it's not your fault.
Uh-- I'm really, really sorry.
Well, my sister says I can park my trailer in her driveway until I get back up on my feet.
- Marianne Marie? - Yeah? Mm-mmm.
Don't even think about it.
I'm really gonna miss you.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you too, kitten.
Best go pack up my lawn furniture.
I don't want this night to end either.
You seem to be naked in my bed.
Figured it would probably be better if we did it here.
My bed has the dent and there's that whole tilting thing.
I hope it's okay I didn't wait for you.
What do you mean didn't wait? Oh! Sorry.
You think I'm fat.
No, you're not.
It-- Look, whatever you think's been happening hasn't actually been happening nor can it continue to not happen.
Especially not while one of us-- meaning you-- is naked.
Huh? You got the wrong idea.
But-- But our date? You were so interested.
You introduced me to your family.
I thought you were trying to impress me.
You misunderstood.
I don't actually let people I'm trying to impress meet my family.
I thought you wanted me to come out of my shell.
Yeah, but now I want you to go back in.
I can't sleep with you.
I just, um-- I don't see you that way.
Right.
Right.
You see me as the fat freak who lives across from you in the trailer park.
No, that's not true.
If anything, I see you as a legend.
You're like a celebrity.
Oh, yeah, who would wanna sleep with a celebrity? - Pat-- - Don't look at me! What, do you think I'm a charity case? Huh? Is that it? You think you're Mother Teresa or something? No.
God, no.
Not at all.
That's not me.
Okay, so sometimes it may seem like I'm a baby-saver or a saint or something - but honest, I'm really just-- - A bitch! - Where is the camera? - Camera? I'm supposed to think you didn't take pictures of this? After you've been hanging out of your window for six months with a telephoto lens? Don't you think for one second that I won't be checking every single chubby-chaser Web site on the Internet.
And if I pop up on any of them, even with my head cropped off you better be expecting a fat lawsuit.
Evil bitch! Okay.
So long as we're clear on the ''me not being a saint'' thing.
[ Aaron .]
I told you she was crazy.
[ Aaron .]
I told you she was crazy.
A Limoges.
Very nice.
Look closer-- ''Made in China.
'' It's not even genuine French porcelain.
You think God'll be talking to anyone through a cheap knockoff? So because this is an inexpensive reproduction you believe that's proof your sister's insane? The fact that it's a cow creamer is proof my sister's insane.
Do you even have a degree? Uh, they're on the wall.
So you set a trap for your sister using this cow creamer as bait? - Totally.
- That's cracked.
How is it cracked to be concerned for the welfare of a family member? I mean the creamer.
- It's cracked.
- Oh,yeah.
I broke its head off the last time it talked to her.
- And that seemed to work? - I took its mouth away.
Do you believe you alone have the power to silence the creamer? It was never not silent.
You don't have to be a theologian or an atheist to know that cow creamers-- don't talk? - Hi.
Which one do you think-- - I'm not on the clock.
[ Group .]
Surprise.
! Congratulations, sweetheart.
- Oh, that was an accident.
This is a mistake.
- No mistake.
We are so proud.
- And shocked.
- With pride.
I don't deserve this.
She's never been comfortable with praise.
They gave me the same balloon bouquet when I made partner.
I was just rude to a customer.
- I can't be employee of the month.
- You don't have a choice.
Peggy said I can't get it anymore now that I'm management.
The honor comes with a certificate and a parking space on the first level of the structure.
- I park on the street.
- And the afternoon off.
- I humbly accept.
- Good.
We made lunch reservations.
Really? Lunch? You can't spend all your time making the world a better place.
Girl's gotta eat.
[ Knocking .]
Hello.
Pat honey? It's Marianne Marie Beattle.
I know you're home.
You're tilted.
Where is Aaron? We celebrate all Tyler victories as a family.
I wouldn't call this a victory.
This certificate's invalid.
There's no signature.
Oh, wait.
There's a stamp.
[ Chuckles .]
Stamp's good enough for me.
I guarantee you.
This will make the Christmas letter.
- Oh, I wish it wouldn't.
- There's Aaron.
- [ Karen .]
Hi, sweetheart.
- [ Darrin .]
Nice of you to make it.
Did you see your sister's certificate? What are you? - Huh? - Are you like Dr.
Dolittle? Your blood sugar's low.
Dip something.
It's not my blood sugar.
There's something out there, and it's laughing at us.
- Did she do this to you? - You really think that your sister's special lunch is the appropriate place for an existential crisis? It's not an existential crisis.
You're studying religion for God's sakes.
- You're bound to have one sooner or later.
- Not an existential crisis.
Just the opposite.
I was fine when existence had no meaning.
Meaninglessness in a universe that had no meaning, that I get.
But meaninglessness in a universe that has meaning-- what does it mean? It doesn't mean anything.
Did the cow creamer tell you that? What has gotten into you? I'm throwing that creamer away the second we get home.
The meaninglessness of meaning? [ Laughs .]
Are you people high? Really, though.
You want meaningless? This fondue is meaningless.
It mocks everyone at this table.
This is your celebratory fondue.
I didn't earn celebratory fondue.
I don't deserve to be called employee of the month.
I don't deserve this certificate.
I don't deserve a parking space on P-1.
But I am taking the afternoon off.
Anything you'd like to share? Uh-uh.
Nope.
Now they're already saying how quiet he was, how he always kept to himself.
You know who else was quiet and kept to himself? -Jeffrey Dahmer.
- Who are you talking about? - Number 1 2.
He snapped.
- Fat Pat? Dragged Marianne Marie in there damn near an hour ago.
Ain't nobody heard a peep since.
Honey says he's off his nut.
Sounds like something sent him off the edge.
Smart thing to do would be to call the police.
Mrs.
Beattle, are you okay? - [ Pat .]
Piss off,you evil bitch.
- You're not evil.
Where is she? You should mind your own business, saucebox.
Did you eat all those muffins? I sure did.
I tried to tell you.
I said I needed to lose 1 2 more pounds.
- But you just didn't listen.
- Where's Mrs.
Beattle? She's back there.
- Mrs.
Beattle? - Hey,Jaye-- What happens to a caterpillar when you take it out of its cocoon before it's a butterfly, huh? Isn't it like a worm with flippers? Yes, smartass.
I am like a worm with flippers.
- [ Toilet Flushes .]
- Thanks a lot.
You are just so vile.
Hey, kitten.
Sorry, didn't hear you come in.
I was making a sissy.
Ready for apple cranberry, hon? Yes, please.
You do realize you're being held hostage? Is this Stockholm syndrome? Are you Patty Hearst? What are you squawking about hostages for? I don't see nobody blindfolded and tied to a chair.
The man just wanted some muffins.
What about your goal weight? I am tired of swimming upstream.
- I have a new goal weight.
- You lost 300 pounds.
You can't just go and gain it all back again.
Well, sieg Heil, Miss Jenny Craig.
Look, I am Fat Pat.
I will always be Fat Pat.
I tried to turn off my fat-dar, but I just can't.
Okay? Every time I go outside, I wonder-- Does this restaurant have a booth that's big enough for me to fit in? Does this movie theater have retractable armrests? What time does this market close? Because if it's too busy, then somebody might see what's in my cart.
A-A-And turnstiles.
Why would somebody do that to a person? I don't know.
Three hundred pounds of phantom flesh.
Whether you see it or not, it is still there, so it might as well be real.
Because whatever problems I had, being less fat didn't help solve any of them.
Oh, God, I'm depressed.
You can't let this get you down.
The sun'll come out, and gray skies are gonna clear up.
If not, there'll be a silver lining, I swear.
Just-- Scoot over and give me a muffin.
- These are really good.
- Secret ingredient's Little Ivey's Fruit Cocktail.
Used to buy it by the case.
Got three cans left.
Enough for one more batch.
Then Muffin Buffalo'll be put out to pasture.
Marianne Marie, promise you won't get mad? What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with you? You stole an old woman's disability checks? That violates the High and Dry Trailer Park code of residential conduct not to mention the basic tenets of Christianity.
I know this doesn't really help, but technically, I wasn't stealing.
I mean, I didn't cash anything.
[ Pat Groans .]
- [ Stomach Grumbling .]
- I feel crampy.
[ Grumbling Continues .]
Oh, Lord, his stomach must've burst.
That can't be good.
[ Woman On P.
A.
, Indistinct .]
I'm thirsty.
You're dehydrated.
You lost a lot of weight in an unusual fashion.
Something get amputated? I guess I should have warned you about my muffins.
They're fat-free.
I overdosed on a noncaloric fat replacer? Uh-huh.
You tried to make yourself fat again but ended up reaching your goal weight.
- How much did I lose? - Thirteen pounds.
That stuff really moves business through.
- That's one pound over my goal weight.
- Congratulations.
I would like to make a business proposal.
I had some time to organize my thoughts while you were in your coma.
''After considering the accelerated manner ''in which you achieved your dieting goals ''it has occurred to me that you have more to offer ''the American consumer than meets the eye.
''As someone who has experienced ''the nutritional benefits of Muffin Buffalo firsthand ''you would make an ideal spokesperson.
''If you decide tojoin me in this venture your name could become synonymous with healthy snack food.
'' You want me? I-- I don't know what to say.
I-- I'd be honored.
Thank you.
- Don't thank me.
- Well, you're not thanking me.
Yes, I am.
I am thanking you.
- I've been ruminating on events.
- I didn't do anything! Those disability checks you stole-- - more money than I've saved in my entire life.
- Stop.
- If you hadn't-- - Stop! Stop thanking me.
What is it with you people? God! Good Lord, woman.
There's such a thing as grace.
[ Man .]
Thank you.
[ Man .]
Thank you.
Why are you thanking me? I didn't wait on you! We're closed! Oh! - Hi.
- Hi.
- We're closed.
- Oh, I don't wanna buy anything.
In that case, you can come in.
So what are you doing here? Huh? Oh, you forgot this at the restaurant.
Yeah.
I sort of forgot it there on purpose, but thanks though.
- You're just gonna throw that away after I leave, aren't you? - Yep.
So, that guy you were with at the bar was that, uh-- was that your boyfriend? Did he say he was my boyfriend? He said you were obsessed with him.
That part's true, but only 'cause he used to be Fat Pat.
Now that he's just Pat, he's not as interesting.
I like that he's not as interesting to you anymore.
I like that you like that.
But you got the wrong idea about me.
I'm not a baby-saver.
- Well, sure you are.
- I'm really not.
Not unless there's coercion and even then, only if it's convenient.
You can't tell me every nice thing you've ever done was because you were forced to do it.
I guess I wasn't forced to be nice to Fat Pat.
- Not really.
- See, you are nice.
You have to leave.
Get out! And I'm not nice.
I'm just highly susceptible to guilt.
You have the wrong idea about you.
[ Cackling .]