Yes, Prime Minister (2013) s01e06 Episode Script
A Tsar Is Born
Thanks.
That was the BBC again, piling on the agony.
A big news story about global warming has just broken and they're adding that to the programme about you on Sunday morning.
Global warming computer models have been proved wrong.
The new models show it's even worse than previously thought, much more severe, and happening faster.
Is that supposed to be my fault, too? They want to know why the government's dragging its feet on CO2 emission controls.
Do we have to deal with that tonight, as well as the collapsing summit, the ECB, the BBC, my treacherous cabinet, my disloyal colleagues, your leaks, the illegal immigrant cook, the run on the pound, the Kumranistani pervert.
Is there anything else? Anything else we can pile on me tonight? Oh, yes, global bloody warming, thank you very much.
Prime Minister, might I suggest you don't worry too much about global warming.
Right, well, I can't do much about it tonight, can I? Why should the global warming computer models be any more reliable or accurate than the financial ones? Wall Street's computer models were designed to show that sub-prime mortgage derivatives were low risk.
And these global warming computer models are designed to show that global warming's getting worse.
Oh, come off it, Humphrey! Well, you remember mad cow disease? The computer models for that proved that we'd all be dying in our hundreds of thousands by now.
But in fact, hardly any died.
You're suggesting what, exactly? Well, the computer models leave out nearly all other possible causes except CO2.
And then they say, "Oh, look, CO2's caused all this global warming.
" There aren't any other causes, are there? Er, have you seen that film of melting icebergs in the Antarctic? Yes, they're beautiful, aren't they? That's caused by CO2.
No, dear lady, that's caused by warm water masses from the Pacific.
Why are the polar bears becoming extinct? Oh, are they? The computer models say they are.
The people who actually count them have found more than there were 30 years ago.
Oh, for heaven's sake! Humphrey, if it's all such nonsense, why does everyone believe it? No, it is, it's very hard to understand.
There are some scientists who do believe it.
Lots of others want the billions of pounds you get for research that seems to show that global warming is caused by greenhouse gases.
Most of the scientists who disagree can't get published.
Journalists love shock-horror stories, governments want to look virtuous to their voters, lefties want to bash big oil, and it makes all the tree huggers and whale savers, and everybody, the BBC and all of the media, feel holier-than-thou and warm and fuzzy inside.
So wind farms don't make any sense? Wind farms! Oh, forgive me, Prime Minister, they do make sense, to the businessmen who are getting enormous government grants for them.
There isn't enough wind to be practical.
The total output of all of the UK's wind turbines put together is less than a quarter of one decent size coal-fired power station.
He can't say any of this to the BBC.
No! Claire, phone them back and say .
.
something.
OK.
Prime Minister, Sir Humphrey, what are you thinking? The Kumranistan foreign secretary has demanded three women to have sex with, here, tonight, at Chequers.
Europe needs this $10 trillion loan, and the two of you are arguing about global warming, instead of working out how to do what's right! Bernard, ever since this started you have been bleating on about whether or not something is right.
We are politicians, not bishops.
Right.
Bernard, the Prime Minister is not here to do what's right, he's here to serve the country.
What if we do get this deal signed? What if the Prime Minister loses the next election, and the next government has a different policy? Too late! There will be a treaty.
Britain will be a signatory, and we always keep our word.
We don't, actually.
Well, we often do.
And we definitely would in this case.
Fine.
I'll organise three call girls before it gets any later.
We'll need to put the royal helicopter on standby.
I must not hear this.
Right.
Who do I phone? You don't know? How would I know? Well, so how do you think I know? Let me get this straight.
We have finally decided to do this and you don't even know how? Do you know how? I can't believe this! The TV news shows tell me we are crawling with illegal foreign hookers, and nobody even knows how to find any? What is going on here? We could try the Vice Squad.
They'll know.
You want to call the Vice Squad? And ask them to find three prostitutes? And put them on the royal helicopter? Have you lost your mind? DOG BARKS Just popping outside.
Back in a minute.
What was that about? I don't know.
She seems to be talking to someone.
Who? I can't see.
There are trees in the way.
So we're stuck? Aren't you worried that this is wrong, Prime Minister? It seems to be necessary, Bernard.
Government is seldom about right or wrong, it's about choosing the lesser evil.
Well, it can be about right or wrong.
Are you sure you're in the right job? I could easily arrange a transfer, you know? To the Archbishop of Canterbury, for instance.
You want to get rid of me! No, not get rid of you, Bernard, a sideways move.
Find you a good home.
Meanwhile, we have a crisis.
A moral crisis.
A survival crisis, which is much more serious.
I have to survive this weekend and stay in power.
If I don't, I can't do all the things that the people elected me to do - the health service, schools, all that crap.
I have a moral obligation to do whatever is necessary to stay in power.
I'm not sure the end justifies the means.
I mean, look where that philosophy leads.
Stalin wanted all the farms in the Ukraine collectivised.
Well, he thought there'd be more food.
The peasant farmers opposed him, so he ordered all five million of them to be killed.
Actually, if you kill five million people, there is more food.
Does that make it right? Depends whether or not you're one of the five million.
Where did you go? I heard a dog bark out there.
It belongs to the cook.
I'd forgotten about the cook! What are we doing about her? That was the cook's daughter out there, walking the dog.
Her 18 year-old daughter.
Are you suggesting? I know there's only one of her.
But she's very attractive.
And it would show Mr Aitikeev that we're trying.
Would it? An illegal immigrant.
Exactly what you wanted.
Did you tell her what we want her to do? Well Sort of hinted at it.
Well, what precisely did you hint? A hint can't be precise, Prime Minister, because by definition, a hint Bernard! Sex with a very rich and powerful man.
She seems interested.
It's for Britain, right? It's the right thing to do, right? Jim, you were the one that said it would be patriotic.
But she's a foreigner, it can't be patriotic for her! Well, it will be when her papers come through, you'll be giving her the chance to serve her new country! An act of retrospective patriotism! Shut up, Bernard! Claire, the answer is "PM Pimps Cook's Daughter for Sex at Chequers.
" No.
I can't, I just can't go through with it.
Her mother is a member of my staff.
OK.
Claire, wait! What if she tells her mother? Oh, I took care of that.
I asked her if she'd heard of the Immigration Detention Centre at Harmondsworth.
I said, "If you ever tell anyone about this, including your mother, "that's where you'll end up.
" Biggest possible threat.
Bernard, phone the Home Secretary.
Get citizenship for the cook.
Why? Because what if she does tell her mother? Maybe she won't.
But if she does, how would the mother react? How would you react if you were her mother? Well, you know, I wonder if I might be pleased.
It would give me the leverage to get a work permit.
How many drinks have you had, Prime Minister? Just the one! OK.
She's gone.
Thank God! But to get the cook a work permit, she'll need to have special skills.
She makes great dumplings! I don't bloody care.
Phone the Home Secretary now.
Now? Yes, now, damn it! Hello, Home Secretary.
Sorry to call you so late.
You were just having a nightcap? Good.
The PM wanted me to call you about the cook at Chequers.
We've just discovered that she's an illegal immigrant, and he wants her to be given a UK visa immediately.
Oh, I think because the PM likes her dumplings.
No, Home Secretary, that wasn't a sexist remark.
I see.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Prime Minister.
I think the Home Secretary's had a few.
It's never any use trying to call her after 6pm.
Prime Minister, do you think we'd better let the Ambassador know we can't get any girls for Aitikeev? Yes.
Go and get him.
Yes, Prime Minister.
PHONE RINGS Yes? Who? Oh, yes, we all loved your goulash and dumplings this evening.
Help me, God! Yes, yes.
I'll call you back.
The cook's daughter has talked to her mother.
Already? The cook wants to talk to you, Jim.
PHONE RINGS No, I'm not answering it.
You get it.
I don't know what to say! Just get it! You started this, it's all your fault.
The Ambassador's coming.
PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Yes? Yes.
My God! And where did you get this? Yes! Of course I deny it! There's absolutely no foundation at all to that story.
No, of course you can't quote me! I'm not going to dignify that sort of rubbish with a comment.
It seems that the cook has talked, to the Daily Mail! But she only just phoned here! Well, she just phoned there, too! Oh, my God! Can we buy them off with a promise of some future policy scoop? Of course not! It's a newspaper, they're interested in sex, not government! Prime Minister, I think you'd better talk to the cook.
We have to stop this going any further.
I don't talk to ordinary people unless there's an election going on! If you don't, goodness knows what she'll Phone her back and ask her what the bloody hell she wants! What is this all about? Yes.
It's the Prime Minister's Principal Private Secretary here.
Unfortunately, the Prime Minister's too busy to talk to you at the moment, so can you please tell me what it is you want? I see.
I see.
I see.
I see! She's discovered that the newspapers will give her cash if her daughter will describe what happened tonight in her own words.
Which are? That some woman approached her in the garden and asked her to have sex.
With you, Prime Minister.
She said Claire asked this girl if she would have sex with me? Is that true? No, of course it's not! I'm just telling you what she told me! It's an outrageous lie! I'm only the messenger! It was her idea, I always said it would be a disaster! How much does she want? I don't know! I forgot to ask! Prime Minister, I believe I know how to deal with this.
May I? Yes, please.
Right.
We have to stop this going public.
Oh, brilliant! Got any more bright ideas? Look, as far as the Mail knows, it could be a scam.
If we deny it and they still run the story, we slap a libel writ on them and clean up financially, and deport the cook! Yes, she's not important in the great scheme of things.
Who is? Well, I am, actually! What are we going to say to the press? We say we can't talk about it.
National security.
But how do we describe procuring sex with the cook's daughter as national security? We don't talk about that.
But that's what they'll want to talk about! Oh, for God's sake, Jim, you don't give journalists what they want, it only encourages them! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? We can't ignore the facts.
If you can't ignore facts, Prime Minister, you've got no business being in government.
Ah, Prime Minister Oh.
What? Prime Minister? Piss off! Oh.
Prime Minister, it's done.
The cook and her daughter were upstairs in their accommodation.
At your request, the Diplomatic Protection Group has taken them into protective custody, and is going to turn them over to the Ministry of Defence police.
My request? Well, yes.
I requested it, actually, on your behalf.
Under the Prevention of Terrorism Act.
You see, the MOD police now have the power to arrest, detain, and then place a control order upon anyone at all.
Right.
Well, what does her control order actually entail? Well, it's house arrest, usually.
Plus no access to mobile phones, the internet or the media, whenever they believe that lives may be saved or injuries prevented by so doing.
Lasts for up to a year, and in effect, it's infinitely renewable.
Fine! Impose a control order.
No, Prime Minister, the Home Secretary has to do that.
Oh, not her! Yes, with the approval of the High Court.
Who says? The European Convention on Human Rights.
Bloody Europe again! Taking away my rights.
Well, actually, taking away your rights, Prime Minister, and increasing everybody else's.
So they're entitled to a trial? That's not fair! Prime Minister, broadly speaking, this trial can be held in secret.
And the judge cannot quash the control order unless it's found to be obviously flawed, and furthermore, the evidence against them is never really challenged.
Why not? Because it's withheld.
From them and from their lawyers.
Oh, that's good! But we still have to make a deal with the Home Secretary.
Yes.
I could try and get her Private Secretary to bounce it past her one evening when she's had a few.
And if that doesn't work? We could leak that the Home Secretary has allowed an illegal immigrant/suspected terrorist, to get into this country, to infiltrate Chequers, and Yes! Drunk in charge of the Home Office! I think that should do it.
She'll cooperate.
So, at this point in time, the MOD police just need the allegation, Prime Minister.
Are you prepared to state that the cook and her daughter are, in fact, terrorists? Me? No judge will want to declare your allegation as obviously flawed.
You are the Prime Minister.
Prime Minister.
Yes, I am.
And I am prepared to state the following.
Categorically.
Erm I can't do it.
I think you are prepared to state to the police that both the cook and her daughter are, in fact, in possession of information which, if it were known, could lead to a rapid escalation of violence and the loss of thousands of lives in the ongoing war.
Yes, I am.
That's actually even true! Make a note of what you've said.
I'll sign it in the morning.
Good.
KNOCK AT DOOR Oh.
The Ambassador, Sir Humphrey.
Casual again? Yes, yes.
Ah, do come in, Freddie.
The Kumranistan Ambassador, Prime Minister.
Come in, come in, please, do sit down.
I'm not going to beat about the bush.
I'm afraid you'll have to tell Mr Aitikeev that we haven't been able to find any suitable Candidates.
He's guessed that by now, Prime Minister.
I'm afraid that half an hour ago he informed our president that he did not find you sympathetic to our national aspirations.
The pipeline deal is, I'm afraid, no more.
Oh, really? Well, you can tell your Mr Aitikeev if he withdraws from the pipeline agreement, all those weapons systems we sold you will be cancelled, forthwith.
But we have them already, Prime Minister.
Have you? Well, we'll stop supplying the spare parts.
They'll be useless within months.
Full of sand.
Probably are already! It won't matter, Prime Minister, we're making a new weapons agreement with the Russians.
You are? You may go.
And please inform Mr Aitikeev that Great Britain is breaking off diplomatic relations with your country.
Are you serious? Yes, I am.
I'm giving you 48 hours to get to Heathrow.
What do you think I am? A snail? Prime Minister, was that wise? Oh, I don't know! And I no longer care.
I think I lost my moral compass tonight.
I'll tell you one thing - this incident will not be in my memoirs.
Of course not.
Memoirs are not the truth.
They're the case for the defence.
I think Humphrey's right.
It's all over.
Bernard, tomorrow morning, arrange for me to see the Queen.
And offer my resignation.
I'm so sorry, Prime Minister.
THUNDERCLAP Oh, God! No, Prime Minister, just me! I have returned with the answer to all your problems.
Global warming.
I thought you were against it? Everybody's against it, Prime Minister.
I suddenly realised that is the beauty of it.
We can get a unanimous agreement with all of our European partners to do something about it.
But how can we do something about something that isn't happening? It's much easier to solve an imaginary problem than a real one.
You believe it's real? Do you? I don't know.
Neither do I.
Haven't got the faintest idea! But it doesn't matter what we think.
If everyone else thinks it's real, they'll all want to stop it.
So long as it doesn't cost too much.
So the question now is, what are we going to do about it? But if it isn't happening, what can we do about it? Oh, there's so much we can do, Prime Minister.
We can impose taxes, we can stiffen European rules about carbon emissions, rubbish disposal.
We can make massive investments in wind turbines.
We can, in fact, Prime Minister, under your leadership, agree to save the world.
Well, I like that! But Russia, India, China, Brazil, they'll never cooperate.
They don't have to.
We simply ask them to review their emissions policy.
And will they? Yes.
And then they'll decide not to change it.
So we'll set up a series of international conferences.
Meanwhile, Prime Minister, you can talk about the future of the planet.
Yes.
You can look statesmanlike.
And it'll be 50 years before anybody can possibly prove you're wrong.
And you can explain away anything you said before by saying the computer models were flawed.
The voters will love me! You'll have more government expenditure.
Yes.
How will we pay for it? We're broke.
We impose a special global warming tax on fuel now, but we phase in the actual expenditure gradually.
Say, over 50 years? That will get us out of the hole now.
The Germans will be pleased.
They have a big green movement.
And we can even get the frogs on board! As long as they get more benefits than everyone else.
My broadcast is on Sunday morning.
You have a day to get the conference to agree.
That's not a problem.
The delegates will be desperate for something to announce when they get home.
There is one problem.
Nothing will have actually been achieved.
It will sound as though it has.
So people will think it has.
That's all that matters! Clear set, please.
So, to summarise, there is a deepening financial crisis, division in the cabinet, opinion polls are at their lowest for seven years, government borrowing at an all-time high, and apparently no agreement on what to do about it all at the Lancaster House summit conference.
Today's papers are asking if Jim Hacker's government can survive.
I'm here in Chequers, live with the Prime Minister.
Can you survive, Prime Minister? Of course.
All governments go through difficult patches.
Yes, but this is more than just a difficult patch, isn't it? It's a world problem.
It obviously has repercussions on the UK.
But it is worse here than almost anywhere else, isn't it? Would you excuse me a moment? I've been waiting for this.
I think you'll find this puts a very different complexion on things.
It is perhaps the most momentous document you'll ever see.
May we know what it is? It is the final communique from the conference, a binding agreement on all members of the European Union to devote unprecedented sums to the battle against global warming.
Now, Simon, you saw the latest IPCC reports that the situation is not only far more serious than we thought, but also deteriorating far more quickly.
That was one of the things I was coming to, but if we could talk first about the level of debt I obviously haven't made myself clear.
I'm not talking about day-to-day issues, I am talking about the survival of life on this planet.
Now I do realise you have to try to score your little political points, that's your job, but the new findings on global warming make all other issues insignificant.
You can't call our debt level insignificant! Simon, you can chase all the little preoccupations of daily journalism.
As Prime Minister, I have to look to the future of the country and of the world.
Not tomorrow's headlines, but 10, 20, 50 years ahead.
A heavy responsibility.
This momentous document commits Europe to an investment of five trillion euros to stop global warming.
How can we possibly afford to spend that sum of money? We can't afford not to.
But if the money is not there? We are faced with a catastrophic rise in sea levels, torrential storms, melting ice caps, widespread hunger, mass migration.
Are you sure? Computer models don't lie, they have no ulterior motive.
Five trillion euros? Over time.
In the early years it will be less, of course, we still have much research to do on new fast breeder reactors, biofuels Even so, surely taxes will have to go up? People won't like that.
Simon.
People aren't as selfish as you think they are.
They are worried about their children.
About their grandchildren, about the future of mankind, and if that means doing without a gas-guzzler or a fourth plasma TV set, I think that's a sacrifice most people are willing to make.
Prime Minister, I did want to talk to you about cabinet divisions.
There is no cabinet division on the survival of our species.
My cabinet is committed to making this investment in 20 years' time.
They won't be in office then.
I think that's an unworthy remark.
Are you saying that a government can't make commitments beyond the immediate future? No, but 20 years? We are looking at an historic consensus.
The agreement of every single member of the European Union.
It will stand alongside the Magna Carta, and the American Declaration of Independence.
OK, to move on quickly And if I might just strike a personal note, I would like to say how humble it makes me to think that I, as President of the Commission, was able to bring about this historic agreement, which quite frankly transcends any achievement by any post-war government.
It is deeply humbling.
Thank you, Prime Minister.
Until next week, goodbye.
Well Simon, you certainly know how to do a tough interview.
Thank you, Prime Minister.
Oh, magnificent, Prime Minister! I think you got away with it, Jim, but the cabinet will have been pretty surprised.
We'll have to square them fast.
Bubbles! We're not there yet.
After that interview, you'll need to announce some pretty impressive action.
An initiative.
Yes.
A working party? Bit lightweight.
A taskforce? Not sure.
Do we have enough in the kitty? It could be one of those initiatives that you announce but never actually spend the money.
Great.
Like the one on child poverty.
Maybe it should be a government committee? Well what about a Royal Commission? Yes! It won't report for three years, and if we put the right people on it, they'll never agree about anything important.
Right! A Royal Commission! No, wait a minute, that makes it sound as if we think it's important but not urgent.
Well, what about a Global Warming Tsar? Fine! Would that do it? No, I think it might need a bit more than that, Prime Minister.
It'll mean announcing quite a big unit, and an impressive salary for that Tsar, to show how much importance you place upon him.
No problem.
Who would it be? Ah, well, it can't be a political figure.
That would be too divisive.
It has to be somebody impartial.
You mean a judge? No, somebody from the real world.
Somebody who knows how to operate the levers of power, to engage the gears of the Whitehall machine, to drive the engine of government.
That's quite a tall order.
Anybody got any ideas? Humphrey Could you? Oh! Yes, Prime Minister.
That was the BBC again, piling on the agony.
A big news story about global warming has just broken and they're adding that to the programme about you on Sunday morning.
Global warming computer models have been proved wrong.
The new models show it's even worse than previously thought, much more severe, and happening faster.
Is that supposed to be my fault, too? They want to know why the government's dragging its feet on CO2 emission controls.
Do we have to deal with that tonight, as well as the collapsing summit, the ECB, the BBC, my treacherous cabinet, my disloyal colleagues, your leaks, the illegal immigrant cook, the run on the pound, the Kumranistani pervert.
Is there anything else? Anything else we can pile on me tonight? Oh, yes, global bloody warming, thank you very much.
Prime Minister, might I suggest you don't worry too much about global warming.
Right, well, I can't do much about it tonight, can I? Why should the global warming computer models be any more reliable or accurate than the financial ones? Wall Street's computer models were designed to show that sub-prime mortgage derivatives were low risk.
And these global warming computer models are designed to show that global warming's getting worse.
Oh, come off it, Humphrey! Well, you remember mad cow disease? The computer models for that proved that we'd all be dying in our hundreds of thousands by now.
But in fact, hardly any died.
You're suggesting what, exactly? Well, the computer models leave out nearly all other possible causes except CO2.
And then they say, "Oh, look, CO2's caused all this global warming.
" There aren't any other causes, are there? Er, have you seen that film of melting icebergs in the Antarctic? Yes, they're beautiful, aren't they? That's caused by CO2.
No, dear lady, that's caused by warm water masses from the Pacific.
Why are the polar bears becoming extinct? Oh, are they? The computer models say they are.
The people who actually count them have found more than there were 30 years ago.
Oh, for heaven's sake! Humphrey, if it's all such nonsense, why does everyone believe it? No, it is, it's very hard to understand.
There are some scientists who do believe it.
Lots of others want the billions of pounds you get for research that seems to show that global warming is caused by greenhouse gases.
Most of the scientists who disagree can't get published.
Journalists love shock-horror stories, governments want to look virtuous to their voters, lefties want to bash big oil, and it makes all the tree huggers and whale savers, and everybody, the BBC and all of the media, feel holier-than-thou and warm and fuzzy inside.
So wind farms don't make any sense? Wind farms! Oh, forgive me, Prime Minister, they do make sense, to the businessmen who are getting enormous government grants for them.
There isn't enough wind to be practical.
The total output of all of the UK's wind turbines put together is less than a quarter of one decent size coal-fired power station.
He can't say any of this to the BBC.
No! Claire, phone them back and say .
.
something.
OK.
Prime Minister, Sir Humphrey, what are you thinking? The Kumranistan foreign secretary has demanded three women to have sex with, here, tonight, at Chequers.
Europe needs this $10 trillion loan, and the two of you are arguing about global warming, instead of working out how to do what's right! Bernard, ever since this started you have been bleating on about whether or not something is right.
We are politicians, not bishops.
Right.
Bernard, the Prime Minister is not here to do what's right, he's here to serve the country.
What if we do get this deal signed? What if the Prime Minister loses the next election, and the next government has a different policy? Too late! There will be a treaty.
Britain will be a signatory, and we always keep our word.
We don't, actually.
Well, we often do.
And we definitely would in this case.
Fine.
I'll organise three call girls before it gets any later.
We'll need to put the royal helicopter on standby.
I must not hear this.
Right.
Who do I phone? You don't know? How would I know? Well, so how do you think I know? Let me get this straight.
We have finally decided to do this and you don't even know how? Do you know how? I can't believe this! The TV news shows tell me we are crawling with illegal foreign hookers, and nobody even knows how to find any? What is going on here? We could try the Vice Squad.
They'll know.
You want to call the Vice Squad? And ask them to find three prostitutes? And put them on the royal helicopter? Have you lost your mind? DOG BARKS Just popping outside.
Back in a minute.
What was that about? I don't know.
She seems to be talking to someone.
Who? I can't see.
There are trees in the way.
So we're stuck? Aren't you worried that this is wrong, Prime Minister? It seems to be necessary, Bernard.
Government is seldom about right or wrong, it's about choosing the lesser evil.
Well, it can be about right or wrong.
Are you sure you're in the right job? I could easily arrange a transfer, you know? To the Archbishop of Canterbury, for instance.
You want to get rid of me! No, not get rid of you, Bernard, a sideways move.
Find you a good home.
Meanwhile, we have a crisis.
A moral crisis.
A survival crisis, which is much more serious.
I have to survive this weekend and stay in power.
If I don't, I can't do all the things that the people elected me to do - the health service, schools, all that crap.
I have a moral obligation to do whatever is necessary to stay in power.
I'm not sure the end justifies the means.
I mean, look where that philosophy leads.
Stalin wanted all the farms in the Ukraine collectivised.
Well, he thought there'd be more food.
The peasant farmers opposed him, so he ordered all five million of them to be killed.
Actually, if you kill five million people, there is more food.
Does that make it right? Depends whether or not you're one of the five million.
Where did you go? I heard a dog bark out there.
It belongs to the cook.
I'd forgotten about the cook! What are we doing about her? That was the cook's daughter out there, walking the dog.
Her 18 year-old daughter.
Are you suggesting? I know there's only one of her.
But she's very attractive.
And it would show Mr Aitikeev that we're trying.
Would it? An illegal immigrant.
Exactly what you wanted.
Did you tell her what we want her to do? Well Sort of hinted at it.
Well, what precisely did you hint? A hint can't be precise, Prime Minister, because by definition, a hint Bernard! Sex with a very rich and powerful man.
She seems interested.
It's for Britain, right? It's the right thing to do, right? Jim, you were the one that said it would be patriotic.
But she's a foreigner, it can't be patriotic for her! Well, it will be when her papers come through, you'll be giving her the chance to serve her new country! An act of retrospective patriotism! Shut up, Bernard! Claire, the answer is "PM Pimps Cook's Daughter for Sex at Chequers.
" No.
I can't, I just can't go through with it.
Her mother is a member of my staff.
OK.
Claire, wait! What if she tells her mother? Oh, I took care of that.
I asked her if she'd heard of the Immigration Detention Centre at Harmondsworth.
I said, "If you ever tell anyone about this, including your mother, "that's where you'll end up.
" Biggest possible threat.
Bernard, phone the Home Secretary.
Get citizenship for the cook.
Why? Because what if she does tell her mother? Maybe she won't.
But if she does, how would the mother react? How would you react if you were her mother? Well, you know, I wonder if I might be pleased.
It would give me the leverage to get a work permit.
How many drinks have you had, Prime Minister? Just the one! OK.
She's gone.
Thank God! But to get the cook a work permit, she'll need to have special skills.
She makes great dumplings! I don't bloody care.
Phone the Home Secretary now.
Now? Yes, now, damn it! Hello, Home Secretary.
Sorry to call you so late.
You were just having a nightcap? Good.
The PM wanted me to call you about the cook at Chequers.
We've just discovered that she's an illegal immigrant, and he wants her to be given a UK visa immediately.
Oh, I think because the PM likes her dumplings.
No, Home Secretary, that wasn't a sexist remark.
I see.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Prime Minister.
I think the Home Secretary's had a few.
It's never any use trying to call her after 6pm.
Prime Minister, do you think we'd better let the Ambassador know we can't get any girls for Aitikeev? Yes.
Go and get him.
Yes, Prime Minister.
PHONE RINGS Yes? Who? Oh, yes, we all loved your goulash and dumplings this evening.
Help me, God! Yes, yes.
I'll call you back.
The cook's daughter has talked to her mother.
Already? The cook wants to talk to you, Jim.
PHONE RINGS No, I'm not answering it.
You get it.
I don't know what to say! Just get it! You started this, it's all your fault.
The Ambassador's coming.
PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Yes? Yes.
My God! And where did you get this? Yes! Of course I deny it! There's absolutely no foundation at all to that story.
No, of course you can't quote me! I'm not going to dignify that sort of rubbish with a comment.
It seems that the cook has talked, to the Daily Mail! But she only just phoned here! Well, she just phoned there, too! Oh, my God! Can we buy them off with a promise of some future policy scoop? Of course not! It's a newspaper, they're interested in sex, not government! Prime Minister, I think you'd better talk to the cook.
We have to stop this going any further.
I don't talk to ordinary people unless there's an election going on! If you don't, goodness knows what she'll Phone her back and ask her what the bloody hell she wants! What is this all about? Yes.
It's the Prime Minister's Principal Private Secretary here.
Unfortunately, the Prime Minister's too busy to talk to you at the moment, so can you please tell me what it is you want? I see.
I see.
I see.
I see! She's discovered that the newspapers will give her cash if her daughter will describe what happened tonight in her own words.
Which are? That some woman approached her in the garden and asked her to have sex.
With you, Prime Minister.
She said Claire asked this girl if she would have sex with me? Is that true? No, of course it's not! I'm just telling you what she told me! It's an outrageous lie! I'm only the messenger! It was her idea, I always said it would be a disaster! How much does she want? I don't know! I forgot to ask! Prime Minister, I believe I know how to deal with this.
May I? Yes, please.
Right.
We have to stop this going public.
Oh, brilliant! Got any more bright ideas? Look, as far as the Mail knows, it could be a scam.
If we deny it and they still run the story, we slap a libel writ on them and clean up financially, and deport the cook! Yes, she's not important in the great scheme of things.
Who is? Well, I am, actually! What are we going to say to the press? We say we can't talk about it.
National security.
But how do we describe procuring sex with the cook's daughter as national security? We don't talk about that.
But that's what they'll want to talk about! Oh, for God's sake, Jim, you don't give journalists what they want, it only encourages them! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? We can't ignore the facts.
If you can't ignore facts, Prime Minister, you've got no business being in government.
Ah, Prime Minister Oh.
What? Prime Minister? Piss off! Oh.
Prime Minister, it's done.
The cook and her daughter were upstairs in their accommodation.
At your request, the Diplomatic Protection Group has taken them into protective custody, and is going to turn them over to the Ministry of Defence police.
My request? Well, yes.
I requested it, actually, on your behalf.
Under the Prevention of Terrorism Act.
You see, the MOD police now have the power to arrest, detain, and then place a control order upon anyone at all.
Right.
Well, what does her control order actually entail? Well, it's house arrest, usually.
Plus no access to mobile phones, the internet or the media, whenever they believe that lives may be saved or injuries prevented by so doing.
Lasts for up to a year, and in effect, it's infinitely renewable.
Fine! Impose a control order.
No, Prime Minister, the Home Secretary has to do that.
Oh, not her! Yes, with the approval of the High Court.
Who says? The European Convention on Human Rights.
Bloody Europe again! Taking away my rights.
Well, actually, taking away your rights, Prime Minister, and increasing everybody else's.
So they're entitled to a trial? That's not fair! Prime Minister, broadly speaking, this trial can be held in secret.
And the judge cannot quash the control order unless it's found to be obviously flawed, and furthermore, the evidence against them is never really challenged.
Why not? Because it's withheld.
From them and from their lawyers.
Oh, that's good! But we still have to make a deal with the Home Secretary.
Yes.
I could try and get her Private Secretary to bounce it past her one evening when she's had a few.
And if that doesn't work? We could leak that the Home Secretary has allowed an illegal immigrant/suspected terrorist, to get into this country, to infiltrate Chequers, and Yes! Drunk in charge of the Home Office! I think that should do it.
She'll cooperate.
So, at this point in time, the MOD police just need the allegation, Prime Minister.
Are you prepared to state that the cook and her daughter are, in fact, terrorists? Me? No judge will want to declare your allegation as obviously flawed.
You are the Prime Minister.
Prime Minister.
Yes, I am.
And I am prepared to state the following.
Categorically.
Erm I can't do it.
I think you are prepared to state to the police that both the cook and her daughter are, in fact, in possession of information which, if it were known, could lead to a rapid escalation of violence and the loss of thousands of lives in the ongoing war.
Yes, I am.
That's actually even true! Make a note of what you've said.
I'll sign it in the morning.
Good.
KNOCK AT DOOR Oh.
The Ambassador, Sir Humphrey.
Casual again? Yes, yes.
Ah, do come in, Freddie.
The Kumranistan Ambassador, Prime Minister.
Come in, come in, please, do sit down.
I'm not going to beat about the bush.
I'm afraid you'll have to tell Mr Aitikeev that we haven't been able to find any suitable Candidates.
He's guessed that by now, Prime Minister.
I'm afraid that half an hour ago he informed our president that he did not find you sympathetic to our national aspirations.
The pipeline deal is, I'm afraid, no more.
Oh, really? Well, you can tell your Mr Aitikeev if he withdraws from the pipeline agreement, all those weapons systems we sold you will be cancelled, forthwith.
But we have them already, Prime Minister.
Have you? Well, we'll stop supplying the spare parts.
They'll be useless within months.
Full of sand.
Probably are already! It won't matter, Prime Minister, we're making a new weapons agreement with the Russians.
You are? You may go.
And please inform Mr Aitikeev that Great Britain is breaking off diplomatic relations with your country.
Are you serious? Yes, I am.
I'm giving you 48 hours to get to Heathrow.
What do you think I am? A snail? Prime Minister, was that wise? Oh, I don't know! And I no longer care.
I think I lost my moral compass tonight.
I'll tell you one thing - this incident will not be in my memoirs.
Of course not.
Memoirs are not the truth.
They're the case for the defence.
I think Humphrey's right.
It's all over.
Bernard, tomorrow morning, arrange for me to see the Queen.
And offer my resignation.
I'm so sorry, Prime Minister.
THUNDERCLAP Oh, God! No, Prime Minister, just me! I have returned with the answer to all your problems.
Global warming.
I thought you were against it? Everybody's against it, Prime Minister.
I suddenly realised that is the beauty of it.
We can get a unanimous agreement with all of our European partners to do something about it.
But how can we do something about something that isn't happening? It's much easier to solve an imaginary problem than a real one.
You believe it's real? Do you? I don't know.
Neither do I.
Haven't got the faintest idea! But it doesn't matter what we think.
If everyone else thinks it's real, they'll all want to stop it.
So long as it doesn't cost too much.
So the question now is, what are we going to do about it? But if it isn't happening, what can we do about it? Oh, there's so much we can do, Prime Minister.
We can impose taxes, we can stiffen European rules about carbon emissions, rubbish disposal.
We can make massive investments in wind turbines.
We can, in fact, Prime Minister, under your leadership, agree to save the world.
Well, I like that! But Russia, India, China, Brazil, they'll never cooperate.
They don't have to.
We simply ask them to review their emissions policy.
And will they? Yes.
And then they'll decide not to change it.
So we'll set up a series of international conferences.
Meanwhile, Prime Minister, you can talk about the future of the planet.
Yes.
You can look statesmanlike.
And it'll be 50 years before anybody can possibly prove you're wrong.
And you can explain away anything you said before by saying the computer models were flawed.
The voters will love me! You'll have more government expenditure.
Yes.
How will we pay for it? We're broke.
We impose a special global warming tax on fuel now, but we phase in the actual expenditure gradually.
Say, over 50 years? That will get us out of the hole now.
The Germans will be pleased.
They have a big green movement.
And we can even get the frogs on board! As long as they get more benefits than everyone else.
My broadcast is on Sunday morning.
You have a day to get the conference to agree.
That's not a problem.
The delegates will be desperate for something to announce when they get home.
There is one problem.
Nothing will have actually been achieved.
It will sound as though it has.
So people will think it has.
That's all that matters! Clear set, please.
So, to summarise, there is a deepening financial crisis, division in the cabinet, opinion polls are at their lowest for seven years, government borrowing at an all-time high, and apparently no agreement on what to do about it all at the Lancaster House summit conference.
Today's papers are asking if Jim Hacker's government can survive.
I'm here in Chequers, live with the Prime Minister.
Can you survive, Prime Minister? Of course.
All governments go through difficult patches.
Yes, but this is more than just a difficult patch, isn't it? It's a world problem.
It obviously has repercussions on the UK.
But it is worse here than almost anywhere else, isn't it? Would you excuse me a moment? I've been waiting for this.
I think you'll find this puts a very different complexion on things.
It is perhaps the most momentous document you'll ever see.
May we know what it is? It is the final communique from the conference, a binding agreement on all members of the European Union to devote unprecedented sums to the battle against global warming.
Now, Simon, you saw the latest IPCC reports that the situation is not only far more serious than we thought, but also deteriorating far more quickly.
That was one of the things I was coming to, but if we could talk first about the level of debt I obviously haven't made myself clear.
I'm not talking about day-to-day issues, I am talking about the survival of life on this planet.
Now I do realise you have to try to score your little political points, that's your job, but the new findings on global warming make all other issues insignificant.
You can't call our debt level insignificant! Simon, you can chase all the little preoccupations of daily journalism.
As Prime Minister, I have to look to the future of the country and of the world.
Not tomorrow's headlines, but 10, 20, 50 years ahead.
A heavy responsibility.
This momentous document commits Europe to an investment of five trillion euros to stop global warming.
How can we possibly afford to spend that sum of money? We can't afford not to.
But if the money is not there? We are faced with a catastrophic rise in sea levels, torrential storms, melting ice caps, widespread hunger, mass migration.
Are you sure? Computer models don't lie, they have no ulterior motive.
Five trillion euros? Over time.
In the early years it will be less, of course, we still have much research to do on new fast breeder reactors, biofuels Even so, surely taxes will have to go up? People won't like that.
Simon.
People aren't as selfish as you think they are.
They are worried about their children.
About their grandchildren, about the future of mankind, and if that means doing without a gas-guzzler or a fourth plasma TV set, I think that's a sacrifice most people are willing to make.
Prime Minister, I did want to talk to you about cabinet divisions.
There is no cabinet division on the survival of our species.
My cabinet is committed to making this investment in 20 years' time.
They won't be in office then.
I think that's an unworthy remark.
Are you saying that a government can't make commitments beyond the immediate future? No, but 20 years? We are looking at an historic consensus.
The agreement of every single member of the European Union.
It will stand alongside the Magna Carta, and the American Declaration of Independence.
OK, to move on quickly And if I might just strike a personal note, I would like to say how humble it makes me to think that I, as President of the Commission, was able to bring about this historic agreement, which quite frankly transcends any achievement by any post-war government.
It is deeply humbling.
Thank you, Prime Minister.
Until next week, goodbye.
Well Simon, you certainly know how to do a tough interview.
Thank you, Prime Minister.
Oh, magnificent, Prime Minister! I think you got away with it, Jim, but the cabinet will have been pretty surprised.
We'll have to square them fast.
Bubbles! We're not there yet.
After that interview, you'll need to announce some pretty impressive action.
An initiative.
Yes.
A working party? Bit lightweight.
A taskforce? Not sure.
Do we have enough in the kitty? It could be one of those initiatives that you announce but never actually spend the money.
Great.
Like the one on child poverty.
Maybe it should be a government committee? Well what about a Royal Commission? Yes! It won't report for three years, and if we put the right people on it, they'll never agree about anything important.
Right! A Royal Commission! No, wait a minute, that makes it sound as if we think it's important but not urgent.
Well, what about a Global Warming Tsar? Fine! Would that do it? No, I think it might need a bit more than that, Prime Minister.
It'll mean announcing quite a big unit, and an impressive salary for that Tsar, to show how much importance you place upon him.
No problem.
Who would it be? Ah, well, it can't be a political figure.
That would be too divisive.
It has to be somebody impartial.
You mean a judge? No, somebody from the real world.
Somebody who knows how to operate the levers of power, to engage the gears of the Whitehall machine, to drive the engine of government.
That's quite a tall order.
Anybody got any ideas? Humphrey Could you? Oh! Yes, Prime Minister.