Young Drunk Punk (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

1 - (rock music) - You know that dream where you're walking through high school in your underwear? I think I'm having it right now.
- Yep, I'm having that dream.
- (girl laughing) But wait, it actually gets worse.
- No, buddy, I don't care - (kids laughing) - Ugh! - The way you wear - Your clothes - No.
Oh Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaah! - Ah! - Hey, buddy, - time to go eat the bear.
- It's still dark.
Yeah, that way we get a jump on the bear.
Some days, you eat the bear; some days, the bear eats you.
Let's go eat that bear.
- What? - Why not just leave these brand-new work boots here and let nature take its course? - Ahhh - First day at a new job, it's gonna be exciting for you.
(exclamations of disgust) Aaah! Aah! (theme music) (woman): Oh, look who's up.
(man): Well, he knows it's time to eat some bear.
- There he is! - Time to give 'er, son.
- Your excitement depresses me.
- You just need to eat some breakfast.
If I feed you, then you can feed the rent jar.
And no one cares if my soul starves.
(squeaking) Well, these pancakes are for your soul.
It's called compromise; it's what men do.
- My boots squeak.
- Don't boast.
Why are you up? To witness me sell my soul? Hawk parts of my life for $3.
50 an hour? No I just got in.
Several hours ago.
I just thought I'd see my brother walk to the gallows.
- You're sweet.
- Hello? Why don't ya have some breakfast, Belinda! This is my breakfast They're menthol, it's practically food.
That was Darci Gabaldi.
Lloyd, it's happening, right now.
- (Lloyd): Wowsie! Today? - What's happening? Well remember the day that Brae Vista - finally got its own snowplow? - No.
Well, this is even more exciting day than that.
The Atlanta Flames have moved to Calgary, and Brae Vista has snagged one of them.
(Lloyd laughing) - We're very excited.
- No.
Go, Mom, go! - (upbeat rock song playing) - (people chattering) (Ian): What the hell is a Brock Geroux? An enforcer, a real tough bastard like your old man - used to be in the day.
- Why does he get a welcome party? He's just chasing a puck around.
It's not like he's the lead guitarist of a band, - or even a drummer.
- You ever been up close to one of these guys, Ian? First thing you notice is their hands They're not like ours.
They're twice the size.
They can't even get rings that fit.
- The eagle is landing! - Ohhh, what a feeling - What a rush - Yah! Yah! - Yes! - Go, sports team - Ha! Ha, yeah! Ha, ha! - (applause) Ah, on behalf of everyone at Brae Vista, we just want to let you know how excited we are that you're amongst us.
It's like you're on 2 teams.
You're a Flame, and you're a Braevister.
Ha ha ha ha! Cool.
Who parks my car? - Ian, go ahead.
- No, I don't wanna.
Heads up! I'll get 'em! No problemo.
(dog barking) - We made you a cake.
- From a store-bought mix Check that out.
(chatter) I thought the cake was for everyone.
He made me park the car like some lackey, and then he had me practice catching his keys.
Jerk.
Jerk? No, no, no.
When you're wearing the uniform, you're an ambassador to Brae Vista.
Dad, I am not an ambassador to Brae Vista; I'm doing this until, literally, any other job comes along.
Well, until it does, keep your head down, do your job, try not to have so many feelings.
- Cool advice, Dad.
- Well, it is.
You're starting at the bottom, literally, so your first task is a 905 in unit 217.
- What's that? - A backed-up crapper - in unit 217.
- 217 but that's Diane, hey Ian, I didn't know you worked for Brae Vista.
Oh, I-I don't as such.
Yeah, that explains the shirt with your name on it.
Oh, this? This was just a gag gift from my old man.
For graduation.
Thought I'd wear it as a joke today while I help him out.
Not really seeing the joke part.
You are here to fix the toilet, right? Yeah.
Oh yeah, sure.
Just for one day.
Wearing the shirt, it's a fun bit.
Yeah, I don't get it.
Come in.
- (squeaking) - And my boots squeak.
Yeah.
- (door closing) - How was the party? Ohhh Darci should never have been in charge.
So ticked off I could spit tacks.
- I'm gonna need your help.
- I can't.
- My day is fully booked.
- With what? Well, I have to finish leafing through this magazine and then, maybe another thing.
Can't you help me welcome a young, handsome hockey player - to the neighbourhood? - Oh! OK.
Let's wear the matching outfits! (rock music) Surprise! We keep our toilet in the bathroom.
Yep, there it is Oh! Uh Those were just hanging there for some reason.
Yeah, I can see that.
Not that I saw them.
Not that I looked at them.
Just so you know, um, my underwear has nothing to do with whatever is wrong with the plumbing.
Yeah.
No.
No, no, no.
N-never crossed m-my mind.
(Diane laughs nervously) (Ian sniffing) - Oh! I forgot to mention - Oh-ah! Ha ha! It's a good thing you don't work here.
Hello.
I'm Helen McKay and this is my daughter Belinda.
And we're here to give you a true Calgary welcome.
(both): Yee-ha! Wow! Thanks, ladies.
If there's anything we can do to help make your stay at Brae Vista perfect, - just let us know.
- Anything at all.
Day or night.
Afternoons can be good too.
Wow! I mean, the last time I did a mother-daughter combo was Vegreville.
But I guess what happens in Vegreville stays in Vegreville, huh? Ha ha! (women laughing) (Brock chuckles) Mother-daughter combo.
You get that at A&W, right? It was an accident.
I was thrown off my game.
There were panties in full view! - Hey, were they cotton or lace? - I don't know.
Cotton! Man, cotton is way sexier than lace, although one might think it's the other way around.
Cotton panties are underrated.
Not by me though.
- Would you shut up? - Yes.
Hey were they yellow? Tell me they were yellow I'm not gonna tell you what colour they are.
- Why not? - What if she found out I told you? - Why would she find out? - I don't know, it might come up in conversation.
How could her pink? panties come up in conversation? Well you seem to be talking about them a lot right now.
Well, I'm just gonna imagine that they're blue.
Hey! Focus.
I need your help.
I think Diane suspects that I work at Brae Vista.
Well, you did clean her toilet in uniform, so either you work here or you're the weirdest Robin Hood ever.
It not my fault! First, the cowboys ran the city, then the oil men.
Now, it's these mindless hockey zombies.
I don't think the Flames coming to town is that big of a deal, OK? It's good for the local economy.
Local economy?! Who are you? - I got a job with the Flames.
- What? - I got a job with the Flames.
- What?! I'm an official stick "attachee".
A stick attaché? You're a stick boy.
I'm a stick attaché.
And it's actually a really cool job and super easy.
- But you got a cool job too, right? - You know that's not true.
- Yeah.
- Ian! Time to clean up the daily dead raccoon.
And Shinky, what are you doing here? This is my house.
I live here.
- Well, then go inside! - See you, Shink.
Hey, where are you going? Come on, let me in the cart! Let me in the cart! OK.
OK, I'm in.
(barking) Can I drive a truck with a built-in hot tub through here? Oh, well, I'm sure something could be arranged.
- Oh, I'm already there.
- Sure.
Do you know where I could find a truck with a built-in hot tub? I'm happy to make some calls, pull some strings.
Ha ha! I know I like getting my string pulled.
(all laughing) Well, he certainly is, um, an energetic young fellow.
Ah his hair is like a shag carpet.
I just want to get it between my toes, and You'd think the little suckers would notice that none of their comrades ever come out of there alive.
The raccoon didn't die, Dad; it killed itself because it lives here.
- (dog barking) - Very funny.
Hey, it's the parking guy and his dad.
- "L-loyd.
" - It's Lloyd, one syllable.
Sorry if I was a bit harsh before.
That drive up from Atlanta really took it out of me.
Oh, I know what it's like, I used to do some travelling.
I was third-line winger for the Wetaskiwin Prairie Dogs.
(Belinda): So I said, just leave me with this You know, this place has seen some better days, but it does have some nice scenery.
- (The dog barks) - Alright.
You guys be good, hmm? Hey, aren't you forgetting something? (laughing): Of course! An autograph.
There you go, L-loyd.
You can use it to put Junior over there through college.
Still think Brock is a cool guy, L-loyd? See, the thing about this job, son, is you've got to bury your anger deep inside.
It's called being professional.
- I can't do that.
- Well you better learn pretty quickly.
- Why? - Well, Mr.
Gabaldi wants someone young and cool to help Brock out, and you're the closest thing we got.
- What do I have to do? - Oh, show him around, be really nice to him, be his friend.
- (Ian sighs) - Pick up his dog's poo.
Yep (bicycle bell ringing) Is that a new thing? Waving bags of poo at the pretty girls? Ha ha ha! Hey, guys, how's the old wear and tear! (Shinky laughing) Grrr! You're starting to hate Shinky too, I like that! Yee-ah! Ha ha ha! This thing corners pretty good.
- I'm not even getting dizzy.
- Hey, only employees are allowed - to drive the cart.
- So, enough of the BS What do people here do for fun? Real fun.
(punk-rock music) I hate music This is it? This is what you do? Well, we don't always listen to this particular record.
- Yeah, we do.
- Guys, I played hockey in Flin Flon and lived in a 24-hour laundromat; this is more depressing than that.
The same old song - Shinky! - Yeah.
I want my shirts in alphabetical order by tomorrow.
- Hey, you got it, Chief.
- I hate music Well, why aren't you making some energetic jab about how much you hate the guy and what he represents? It's the job, I keep pushing my anger down.
I don't think I can emote anymore.
And emoting was really your thing.
Yeah, it's how the system works.
It grinds you down.
Look at us.
A zombie and some flunky for a jock.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't lump me in with you.
OK, I have a pretty choice job.
Brock even asked me to find him a new, top-of-the-line stereo.
Oh, so licking the boots of "The Man" is a pretty choice job.
I refuse to stand here and take advice from some pervert who steals a hair clip when there's a pair of perfectly good panties staring him right in the face.
- Hey, who's a pervert now? - It's me, OK? I have accepted who I am, and you have to accept who you are, which is some punk who works for his dad at Brae Vista.
You'll just have to accept that I don't accept that.
I'll see you later.
- I hate that song - Oh, you know, someone should really fix that.
Maybe someone who works at Brae Vista.
Know anybody? - You sure know how to handle that stick! - Yeah, I know.
I was just in the neighbourhood; - I thought I'd check in on you.
- In the neighbourhood? - Don't you live here? - Yeah.
So anyway, a little about me.
I like to have fun.
I only need about an hour of sleep every 3 days.
I like to watch a good fight, don't mind a little blood.
But I can also stay and watch a cuddle movie.
There is one thing I could use.
- Name it.
- Your phone number.
I thought you'd never ask.
You live at home, right? Yeah, you know, just until I find a place I like.
- Or a man with a place I like.
- So, this is your mom's number? Yeah Decent! (rock music) Ah! (loud rock song playing) (muffled rock song with indistinct lyrics) - What? - Did that loud music wake you up too? - No.
- Well, someone needs to tell Brock the rule for loud parties in Brae Vista.
The rule being: no loud parties in Brae Vista.
No, don't go over there alone.
Take Ian.
I think they're becoming friends.
He's a tough guy.
You don't think I can handle myself? I used to do some enforcing too, and I have 350 career minutes in the penalty box to prove it.
- Oh, Lloyd.
- It's go time.
- Come on.
- For crying out loud! - (rock song playing) - Now, Lloyd, I'm not happy about this party either, but I think the key to it - is a nice, polite conversation.
- Yeah, I'll ask questions with my mouth and answer them with my fists.
Now, I don't think - we should be starting - Lord love a duck! You have to see this.
- Oh, what a feeling - Oh, my Lord! I think I know a thing or two about confrontation.
I don't think confrontation is what's required here.
- We got the feeling - Ian - get in there.
- No (Lloyd chuckling) He's your pal.
- Gonna make you loose - Hmm! Hmm! Hmm! Hmm! - Go, man, go - (Lloyd laughing) Fill your head with music - Satisfy your soul - (Brock humming) Hey, parking guy! - Oh, what a feeling - Can you turn your music down? Hey, you want to learn how to skate? - I already know how to skate.
- Right.
I'll show you.
Don't hurt him, Ian.
- Ohhhh - Skate harder, parking boy.
- What a feeling - (Brock): Ah ah ah ah What a beautiful idiot! - What a rush - (Brock humming along) Look at them.
They're having fun! (Brock): Uh-uh-ah ah-ah-ah - Everybody now - (Lloyd): This Brock is a madman.
He's lonely.
He just needs some comforting.
No! I don't want a hockey fight! - Defend yourself, Ian.
- I don't want a hockey fight! Fight like I taught you when you were a baby.
- (Ian): Ow! Ow! Ow! - Yeah! - (Ian): Dad! - I'm sorry about your son Lloyd.
Me too.
- Feeling - Ah.
(rock music) (sighing) What are you doing here? Making up for your botched welcome event? "Botched welcome event?" - I made you a shepherd's pie.
- I made you a cabbage-roll casserole.
Oh, good.
My dog and I are almost out of cake.
But this casserole is my husband's favourite dish.
Oh, I don't know.
I bet you are - your husband's favourite dish.
- Ha ha! - Thanks, Daphne.
- Darci.
Helen, there are so many complicated dials on the oven, - could you show me how it works? - Of course! I picked every oven for every unit.
I could show you how it works.
(rock music) I know I've talked an awful lot about burying your anger, but sometimes, it's more fun to drown it first.
- Where's my beer? - Fine, have mine.
Is Mom not back yet? - Where did your mother go? - The last time I saw her, she was taking a casserole over to Brock.
She didn't make him a cabbage-roll casserole, did she? I think he has the hots for her, Dad.
That's the last straw! Brock has got to go! Hey, what about burying your anger, Dad? You bury your anger for a reason: to keep it safe for when you want to pull it out and use it! You're about to meet the animal that lives inside your father.
I know you've never seen me angry before.
- (kids laughing) - I talk an awful lot about the rules, but right now, the only rule is - (kids): There are no rules.
- There no rules, correct! - OK, you got that one right.
- Then let's suit up, Dad.
- Let's go.
- Helen! Helen! (tires screeching) - Hey my boots stopped squeaking.
- That means you're ready.
Where is that big-handed bastard? - He's not here.
- (Ian): What are you doing? He's making me tape everything that has a handle.
- (Ian laughs) - Where did he get to? I don't know.
He-he took some Brae Vista chick to the Rec Centre.
Something about "making a fast break for the crease.
" - Mom! - Helen! - (Belinda): Eww! - Mrs.
McKay?! It sounds like life has been hard for you.
A middle child of 13 boys? Wow! Yeah, it's been tough.
But there's more to me than my fists.
People see me out there on the ice pounding heads, and they assume I'm a goon.
Aww, people can be so cruel.
Kids used to tease me, just because I was born in an apple orchard.
- That's terrible! - Yes.
Or they'd tease me for being poor.
One kid tried to drown me with a garden hose.
But it just made me stronger.
So I say, if people call you a goon, you use it as motivation to prove them wrong.
Wow! (He sighs) You're so smart.
And pretty too.
Ha! I don't know about that, but I do pride myself on doing the best with what I have.
- I wanna buy you a fur coat.
- My Hudson's Bay jacket still has a few good winters left in it.
The sexiest thing a woman can wear is a fur coat with nothing underneath.
That doesn't sound too comfortable.
- We should get going.
- Those wrinkles around your eyes - are totally sexy.
- You are gonna stop that now! I'm way too old for you.
You're two thirds my age.
That's not the point.
Uh, I'm a reasonably happily married woman.
Not that anyone can be totally happy.
I'm as happy as I deserve to be.
That's not the point either! The point is, don't get fresh! Helen, I want to body check you.
Meaning, I want to check out that body.
No! Ah! Ugh! You are a goon! Because of what you do off the ice.
(Brock moaning) Ow! You know, you're probably gonna lose your job after this.
Yeah, it's OK, I'm tired of blow-drying his hair anyway.
- Ha ha! - What? He likes to conserve his upper-body strength.
Wow, that sounds even worse - saying it out loud.
- Is there anything more poetic than beating a man with his own stick? - (siren blaring) - Helen.
Helen! Are you OK? - I'm fine.
- She broke my leg! - I'm gonna miss games! - Yeah, that's what happens when - you mess with Mr.
Lloyd McKay! - Yeah, his wife gets ya.
You know, you just ruin everything, Shinky.
- Hey, Diane.
- Hey.
- What happened here? - Just taking out some trash - out of Brae Vista.
- What's that? - Oh, this? - My mom has one just like it.
Ian, we got work to do.
You've got to fill in these tire tracks before the racoons use it as another place to kill themselves.
OK, I work here.
And I don't know for how long.
But this uniform is not who I am! I just have to pay rent.
I have to pay rent too.
Orange Julius, where, I should add, they don't allow us to wave bags of poo at people.
You know what, Ian? Why don't you take - the rest of the weekend off? - Really? Yeah.
And find a place to park this piece of trash's car.
Ugh! - I'm tired of waking up tired - OK.
Climb in.
- Waking up tired - (Shinky): Shotgun! Yeah, waking up tired Too much time to kill is killing me (Ian): Yep, I'm having that dream again.
It's embarrassing, and it gets worse.
Did you steal those from my bathroom? - Uh - (kids laughing) - Uh - Can't keep my eyes off you You're wearing Diane's panties.
And they're blue.
Ha! I knew it.
- Oh no! - (kids laughing) Aaah! - (slap) - Ah! Hey buddy, time to go eat the bear.
Some days, you eat the bear; some days, the bear eats you.
- Let's go eat that bear, buddy.
- What? (Ian moans) For more on Young Drunk Punk, go to citytv.
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