Zomboat! (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

I'd kill for a non-fat caramel macchiato.
Best thing about the End of Days is the end of stupid coffee.
Nothing stupid about Artisan coffee.
- You liked my nan's.
- That wasn't Artisan, she just made it with rum.
And you never called her stupid.
I never called her alcoholic either, but we all knew the truth.
Right.
A finger! I hate this boat, it's not safe.
Safer than the bank.
On the bank, this finger would be attached to a zombie.
Well, not now Jude and his hoard are toast.
It's Birmingham, fam.
There's always more zombies.
Oh, man.
Ramblers! What are they eating? A cyclist.
And here we go again.
- They're old, though, they'll be slow.
- No, they're ramblers.
Walking's what they do.
- Get me out of Birmingham, man.
- Get me home! And get me coffee! Do you think it's got to London? The apocalypse? Bloody hope not.
That's the whole point of getting out of Birmingham.
You could always come to Magaluf.
Does this canal go to Stansted? I think flights out of the UK might be quite hard to come by right now.
EasyJet will be all over it.
And Birmingham survivors should get priority.
I mean, I've had a terrible apocalypse.
Julie, Jude That stripper that exploded on me.
Yeah.
It's not all about you, though, Jo.
Bridge! It's the M42.
Guys, this is it.
The edge of Birmingham! - What's that? - What? Please pull into the bank and turn off your engine.
We're never getting out of this town! We're evacuating all civilians from Birmingham.
- We're getting out of this town! - They've got guns! - I love guns.
- Civilisation! - Don't stop.
- What? This is just like Outbreak.
Wolfgang Peterson, 1995.
Donald Sutherland traps all these innocent people in a contaminated town and tries to blow them up with a thermobaric weapon and Morgan Freeman does nothing about it! This is safety, Kat, we've done it! I'm telling you, we stop, we die.
Stop being such a drama queen! Oh, Morgan.
What have you done? Lollipop! Strawberry.
What did you get? It's the Handmaid's Tale, all over again.
Not the 1990 film, the, frankly superb, television reboot.
- Thought it was Outbreak? - None of the soldiers are wearing masks.
Handmaid's Tale's a better reference point.
Isn't that about infertility and sex slaves? I don't see how this is like that.
What it's about is a dystopian future and mark my words, that lollipop - is how it all starts.
- Next! Welcome to Edgbaston Evacuation Centre.
Or internment facility.
- It's a primary school.
- Even worse, low walls and soft tarmac.
Where's your security? We have guards on every entrance.
There's one entrance.
- Which is guarded! - He's got no backup, no field of vision, - who's in charge of this shitshow? - I am.
- Awkward.
- Now, I need you to fill out some forms.
She said I had great veins.
- What did you get? - Lime.
- Strawberry.
- So when can we get out of this deathtrap? - Take it easy, he's just trying to help.
- You can leave just as soon as we know you're virus-free.
- I'll have those forms when you're finished.
- Thanks.
I can't believe you two are buying into this.
There's soldiers at the door and food on the plates.
This is the finish line, Kat, we made it.
We can go home and have caramel macchiatos and you can play Fortnite till your thumbs fall off.
Fortnite is for fanboys and five-year-olds.
My point is that you don't need the boat to get back to your gamer buddies in London.
I've seen this film, and you guys you're not going to like the ending.
You know what? I do have great veins.
Magaluf's amazing right now.
It's just warm enough, but the tourist season's not kicked in.
- You've got to come out, try the margaritas! - Excuse me Rob?! Jo! What are you doing here? Did you get my message? I left one on your phone.
About the boat and Julie.
- You took my boat? - Yes.
And on the Julie front, I know you don't think I liked her, and whilst that is very true - Look, Jo, whatever happened - I killed her.
- Good.
- What? Well, I couldn't do it, so I left her.
Then grew a pair and came back.
Boat had gone.
You knew she was a zombie all along? Well, that is unbelievably annoying.
- How did you - I stabbed her in the heart with a kitchen knife.
Right.
I'm really sorry, Rob.
You did what you had to do.
Was it quick? Yes.
DVD library! Mum! Hey - You think I pissed off Kat? - No, mate, she's just gutted all the zombie geek stuff's over.
All five Twilight films.
Somehow the apocalypse gets worse.
Let's try and get some kip before London.
- I can't wait, man.
- We should go get the girls.
Yeah.
I bet Kat loves Twilight.
That's why she likes your moody personality.
I'm not moody.
You depressed my niece at her fourth birthday party.
Death comes to us all.
The sooner she accepts that, the happier she'll be.
I can't believe it's all over, man.
If you can believe it.
- They're the government, you can't trust them.
- I see you talking, but all I hear is Kat.
Well, maybe she has a point.
She has you believing in them conspiracy theories.
She's been right so far.
I mean, we're here, aren't we? We are.
She's done her job.
Now it's time to kick back and let the professionals take over.
- Ah, it's the critic.
- Yeah.
Sorry about earlier.
I understand, you're scared, it makes people lash out.
Well, no, I'm not scared! I did just want to ask about the blackout blinds.
- Blackout blinds? - It's night in three hours.
You don't want this place lit up like a John Lewis advert.
Lit up? I like your thinking.
We're a sanctuary, it'll be like a beacon I'll have the floodlights switched on! - Zombies are attracted to light! - Zombies? Well, what's the government calling them? We're not calling them anything, the current health crisis is alarming enough without people using incendiary language.
Incendiary language? What, like "stupid"? Like "ignorant", like "unqualified baldy pen-pusher"?! Yes, like that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some floodlights to find.
Sorry.
Tits.
I've got a bad feeling about this place.
I can't believe you're going to sleep at a time like this.
A time like what? I've got a bed.
And for the first time in two days, I don't have the threat of death hanging over me like a big, angry killer bat! - Thanks for that image.
- You should try and get some kip.
Where did you even find an eye mask? Always carry one.
For emergencies.
Oh, shit.
There's a zombie coming.
What? Oh, my God, why aren't you wearing clothes? - This is a dorm room! - I can't sleep constricted.
- Guard's seen him.
- He's not going to shoot him, is he? - Get back! - That'll pull in everything for miles.
He's probably got a silencer.
Something stealthy.
Final warning! - Shit! - Idiot! We need to get out of here.
Stop! Clothes! - What's going on? - The centre's compromised.
- I've got to go.
- What? Why? Where are you going? Looking for this guy.
Seen him? Why are you looking for Jude? - You know him? - Yeah.
- Do you know where he is? - Yeah.
Well, do you think maybe you could tell me? Down by the canal.
Don't worry, he's dead.
Dead? As in proper dead? Yeah, cos of the fire.
- The fire? - Burnt to death.
Actually, it could've been the shotgun that got him, or explosion.
Thinking about it, it could've been any one of a number of things.
Is that helpful? Oh, no.
Have we exposed a deep state cover-up of a disease they created? - Hello, Kat.
- Hello, Rob.
We've got to go.
Come on, there's a Land Rover out back.
I'll get you out of here.
And Kat! - Oh, God, really? - Such a shame you two split up.
- Please, Rob.
- Nicked your boat, by the way.
Fine.
But if she calls me a government stooge even once! I'm making absolutely no promises.
Where are Sunny and Amar? Back in the room, please, doors locked! There's an ongoing situation downstairs.
We need to get out! Not according to the contingency plan outlined in the risk assessment.
- You're not serious? - Calm heads, please, gentlemen.
Let's do this by the book.
- You've got a book on zombies? - They're not zombies.
We know who has got a book on zombies.
They're zombies, they're zombies, zombies! Zombies! Oh, please, no! This way! - Why are you looking for Jude, anyway? - We're looking for the cure, patient zero.
That's why he was different! - Faster! - More clingy.
You've killed the cure, well done! Can we blame me for germing us all later? Get off her, you dick! Get off! Come on! - My gun! - Leave it! - My coat! - Leave it! Come on, come on! Wait! Wait! - Bastards! - I'm so glad you put our lives in their hands.
- Where's the boat? - That way.
Sunny and Amar! - Who? - Our shipmates! - It's my ship.
- We are not leaving without them! - Agreed.
- Fine.
Let's just get to the boat, we'll wait for them there.
Come on! Ah, fuck it! Yeah, yeah! - So, how do you know Jude? - Just friends.
- Before I killed him.
- Jude wasn't the cure.
- What? - I've seen Contagion.
Steven Soderberg, 2011.
Patient zero is the first case? Although, unlike you, we didn't base our reasoning on a bad movie.
Well, more's the pity, at least they found Gwyneth Paltrow.
By the time Jude was a zombie, it was all over the news.
- He's not your patient zero.
- What? - Are you sure? - Yes! I'm sure.
He was a fully functioning human in Jo's bedroom until seven in the morning.
First reports were at one.
Can you look at my back? It hurts.
Probably where you just stabbed me.
What? What is it? - Nothing, just a scratch.
- Is the top okay? - Bit ripped.
- Eurgh, I hate them! He had a gun.
How could he not stop them? If I could just get it.
Then you'd be in charge of a gun, - which I don't think anybody wants.
- I'm good with a gun.
You shot yourself with an air rifle at the funfair.
They fiddle with the sights, stop you winning.
You shot yourself in the foot! Can we keep the chatter to a minimum? I can't believe I listened to this bell end.
- I told you we should have listened to Kat.
- No, you didn't.
You said we should, "Let the professionals take over.
" Mate, this isn't about who said what to who, or who got the strawberry lollipop.
We need we need to find Kat and Jo.
We can do this.
You and me.
Like old times.
You and I have a very different memory of old times.
- But we can do this.
- Stay.
The centre's a rallying point! - The centre's a deathtrap! - And the government's a dick.
Let's do it.
Where are the soldiers? How are you feeling? Okay.
Are you okay? Yeah, good.
Not feeling lightheaded? Or I don't know, sweaty? No.
You were right, you know.
You have had a really shit apocalypse.
I love you.
You know that, don't you? I love you, too.
Soldiers are coming.
Happy now? Oh, come on! - What's wrong? - Nothing! Jo! Jo! Untie us.
Get downstairs.
- What's the matter? - I'm fine.
- Have you been bitten? - No! That's exactly what someone says before they reveal a bite wound on their arm and I have to shoot them in the heart with a miniature crossbow.
It's been a long apocalypse.
- Take your shirt off.
- What? Do it.
What are you doing? Just get the boat started! Right, trousers.
Trust me, I've not been bitten.
Well, Jo has.
- What? - Tell me about the cure.
Rob! Why did you think Jude was patient zero? - It's classified.
- Rob, fucking grow up! - He was on a flu trial.
- Flu trial? So that was true? We believe patient zero was on that trial.
Typical meddling scientists.
Bastards! Stop turning it, you'll flood it! Get the poles! Okay.
Go away! Wankers! Get down, he's a terrible shot! Go! Go! Say hello to my little friend! Safety catch! Oh, yeah! Always the foot.
Nothing wrong with the foot.
That was close.
Ah, shit.
Yes! Jo, your back.
She's been bitten! Oh, my God! Something's stuck, I need to clear the propeller.
- I'm dying! - We need horses.
- Grab the ropes and be horses.
- Horses? - What about J - No, go to the front, now and pull! - I don't like horses.
- Or bats, apparently.
I'm not an animal person, okay? Okay I've got my whole life ahead of me.
Oh, eurgh It's the soldier.
Just cos I live fast, doesn't mean I should die young and beautiful! I never went to Coachella How did Jude get infected, anyway? - Did someone bite him? - What? No! Jude wasn't bitten.
What?! Who gives a shit about Jude? Yesterday! You said he wasn't bitten.
No, but I was! Wait.
They turn in two hours.
What was Jude doing two hours before he turned? What do you think? And don't judge! - Well, where did you meet him? - At work.
- What, in Magaluf? - No, here.
We did a medical trial.
How is that work? It's a grand a bloody week! You were on the flu trial? Then you slept with Jude and two hours later, he turned.
Are you saying I infected him? Who else have you slept with? Whose side are you on? First reports were at one.
What were you doing at 11? Nothing! I was in the Five Bells.
We are the epicentre of an apparent zombie plague that started in the Five Bells pub on Gas Street.
Five Bells! - And then Jude punched that guy.
- Why? Cos he kissed me.
Uninvited! That's how it started! Then you slept with Jude, he turned.
Then you kissed Rob.
You're patient zero! Try the engine! Got it! - Need a hand? - No, thanks.
I've got one.
So I'm not going to die? If you were, you would have already.
- From the kiss of death.
- Stop calling it that! - And you're not going to die in Birmingham.
- No.
- There's always Milton Keynes.
- Before that, there's Lapworth Locks, the Hatton Flight, that's 21 locks in two miles, then Warwick city centre, Itchington Ten, Braunston Tunnel, that's 2km long, then Blisworth Tunnel, that's 3km, and haunted.
Nah, if you're gonna die, it'll be long before Milton Keynes.
You know what's better than macchiatos? Tea and strawberry lollipops.
You got us out.
My little sister and her mental boat.
It's a multiplayer game.
I can't believe that I'm the cause of all this.
Not just the cause, you could be the cure.
God it is all about me.