8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter s01e07 Episode Script

I know this isn't a contest, but mine is real good.
You used a stencil.
Still counts.
Hey, Bridget Don't even think about it, Kyle will kill you.
- Oh, Kerry - Don't even think about it.
You don't have a boyfriend to protect you.
- Yes, she does.
- Eww! Dad! - I honked, like, five times.
- Six.
Paul, couldn't you give me a hand? Kids, it's Halloween, what does Dad do? Carve the pumpkin.
- And what does Mom do? - Everything else.
See, kids, it's out of my hands.
- I'll get the rest.
- No, this is it.
All the candy left in the store.
Some poor kids are gonna get raisins and chewable vitamins.
- Look, our jack-o-lanterns.
- Ooh.
Very scary.
And you can hardly tell that you used the stencil It still counts.
- Hey, Mom.
- Adorable.
Thanks, that's what I was going for.
- Look what Kyle and I made.
- Check it out.
It's smokin'.
It's gonna be the new logo for my snowboard company.
Oh, Bridgie, don't let this one get away.
OK.
Which one do you like best? Well, I haven't seen Kerry's yet.
Finished.
Yeah, in two weeks, it'll be rotten like all the rest of them.
I don't know why I spend good money on these things.
I could just borrow an X-ray from radiology.
What? All the other nurses do it.
What does everybody got planned for Halloween? - We're going to Erin Haywood's party.
- Oh, really? Erin Haywood? - Will there be adults there? - Oh, yeah.
- We know the rules, God! - OK, just checking.
- So, Kerry will adults be there?! - Yes! - Lots of them.
- OK.
So, Kerry, what about you? I'm hanging with Christina, watch scary movies, make popcorn.
Well, that's good.
Spend a nice quiet evening with friends.
You don't need a party to have fun.
- Parties are stupid.
- Parties you aren't invited to? Like I really want to hang out Parties are stupid.
Girls, let's not fight, especially at this time of year, it's Halloween.
The day our Savior was what, Paul, scared? Be back by 11:00 for our annual Halloween campout.
You don't want to go to the treehouse all by yourself at night.
Why, are you gonna terrify us with the flashlight under your chin again? I might.
Do we have to spend the night in that treehouse? We do it every year.
- Every year.
- It's our last Halloween tradition.
Don't grumble.
You and Kerry won't trick or treat with me anymore, so now it's just Man-With-Ax-In-Head and Little-Man-With-Ax-In-Head.
Hey, Bridget, for Erin's party, I think you should wear a bikini and go as "hot.
" Oops.
I gotta go.
Why didn't you tell Dad you're not trick or treating with him this year? Scared? I'm not scared.
I'm not scared of anything.
- I'm waiting for the right time.
- When? Thanksgiving, little pilgrim? Look at the Doyle's.
Fred and the girls are turning their yard into a cemetery.
Big deal.
We do that every time we get a pet.
- Girls, I'll warm up the car.
- For a happy Halloween.
For a happy Halloween.
I don't want to be in that treehouse, I want to be with Kyle.
That treehouse is like stuffing me back into a cradle.
Major regression, stunting my emotional development.
Yeah.
It makes my hair really frizzy.
- Don't you knock? - No.
- What do you want? - I need help.
I don't want to go trick or treating with Dad.
I want to go out with Hunter and Ben.
- OK.
What do you want from us? - I don't want to hurt Dad's feelings.
Look, you guys are pros at it, maybe you could ask him? Sorry, can't help.
We're gonna tell him we don't want to camp in the treehouse.
What? I want in.
You were so up for it this morning.
I tell Mom and Dad what they want to hear because I love them so much.
Girls, what is going on? Your dad is still waiting for you in the garage.
He's gonna get asphyxiated.
- You tell her.
- Tell her.
You tell her.
OK, someone tell me.
OK, Mom.
Kerry has something to tell you.
We know it's a tradition, but we don't want to stay the night in the treehouse.
- Hey, join the club.
- What? - You don't want to, either? - No.
It just hurts everywhere.
But I do it for your dad.
Now, let's get going.
So, will you tell Dad for us? Oh yeah, I really want to sleep in the treehouse all by myself.
- Tell him.
- You tell.
- You tell him.
- Simon, Theodore, Alvin! You don't want to be late! Not on Halloween.
- Oh, God, I'll tell him.
- Tell me what? I have no idea, I'll be in the car.
OK, Dad, we know it's really important to you, but, we don't want to sleep in the treehouse this year.
We've outgrown it.
You all feel this way? I understand and I appreciate your honesty.
- But you're sleeping in the treehouse.
- What? Dad! Kids! How do you do that? Hennessy? What are you doing here? That's sports coffee.
Doesn't bother me, but shouldn't you be upstairs pouring tea with the feminists? - Columnists.
- What'd I say? - Feminists.
- I did? Tommy, not today, I feel bad enough already.
Why? 'Cause you make your wife work and she wears the pants? No, it's the kids.
They're growing up so fast.
You're right on that one.
Last year, my Kevin had a tiny juvenile offense, insignificant.
This year, same thing happens, he's going to the big house.
- Well, don't blame yourself.
- I don't.
I blame the schools.
It's just that every Halloween night we sleep in the treehouse.
The whole family, it's tradition.
Now they're telling me they've outgrown it.
That's the dumbest tradition I've ever heard.
- Wanna hear real family traditions? - Yeah, sure.
First, I don't make my wife work.
Second, every winter I take the boys up to an ice fishing shack.
It's great.
Frozen lake, wind whipping around.
Crack a few beers with some underage kids who can't take a joke.
It gets a little ugly sometimes, but all in all, a good time.
It's nice you still have that.
Well, you could do the same with Rory.
I'm not worried about him, it's the girls.
Kerry's got plans with her friends.
Bridget's going to this Halloween party.
Not Erin's party? - Erin Haywood, yeah.
- Oh, pal, that's a wild party.
Every year Kyle comes back from that party with stories for the ice shack.
Bridget said Are there going to be parents there? Yeah in about nine months.
Tommy, wait a second.
What do you know? Tommy! I cannot speak to you, you're acting like a crazy person.
I am your father and I will be treated with respect.
- I'm punishing you for lying to me.
- Where? What was the lie? You didn't tell me there weren't parents at Erin's.
OK, as I recall, I said, "God, we know the rules," then rolled my eyes.
It was a lie of omission.
You can't go where there aren't parents.
You're staying home.
How does this encourage open and honest communicate if I get punished every time I don't tell you something? How could you possibly be failing three subjects? Cate, are you sure you have to work at the hospital? You're going to miss the fun with Rory and me.
Paul, I'm a nurse.
I took an oath.
The hospital needs me.
The candy's not going to X-ray itself.
Can I stay the night at Christina's? No, be home by 11:00.
Have a good time, Care Bear.
Don't call me Care Bear, Paul.
Did she just call me "Paul"? - Don't call me "Paul," missy.
- Did Paul just call me "missy"? I'm sensing attitude.
Is this about the treehouse? You know what? Why don't you girls try to be mature for just three seconds? You're gonna sleep in the tree.
- I'm gonna go to Christina's.
- Home by 11:00.
See ya later, Bridget.
See ya, Pa - Don't call me Pa.
You'll be sorry.
- Pa Paul.
- Have a seat, you're grounded.
- Dad! Please, call me Paul.
You're staying in until Rory and I get home from trick-or-treating.
- My son, the boy.
- Hey, Dad.
Get your costume, gotta get going.
Dad, I was thinking - He's gonna go for it.
- Never happen.
I was thinking, maybe I was old enough to go by myself this year.
Go by yourself? Oh.
Well, yeah, I guess you are old enough this year.
Well, actually, I was old enough last year, but you worked so hard on your costume.
You go ahead, have a blast.
I just want you to know that Man-With-Ax-in-Head is gonna miss Little-Man-With-Ax-In-Head.
- Don't make it worse than it is.
- OK.
- You have fun, buddy.
- Thanks, buddy.
Oh, please! You know, if you were more respectful like your little brother, - more trustworthy, perhaps - Look in his bag.
- What? Wait, no! - Look in his bag? Toilet paper, shaving cream and eggs! - What? That's not my bag! - Get on the couch! Trick or treat! I'm an angel.
You're an angel now, in a few years you'll be killing your father.
Daddy! Hi! Look at your costumes! Come here, guys, here you go.
That went on the floor, let me get that.
There you go, you take some.
Freeze! Turn around.
Take off the mask.
And that one.
- Nice try, Kyle.
- Kyle? What are you doing here? I told you I was being punished.
So I'm spending the entire evening in my room, overlooking the trellis.
I'm sorry.
I'll be going right now.
- Bridget, downstairs.
- Darn it! - And you put so much planning into it.
- I know! - Now, Bridget - Don't be mad at me.
I didn't do anything.
I didn't leave the house, you never said Kyle couldn't come over, besides you let him in.
If you'd focus that brainpower, we wouldn't have a straight spoon.
- Why do you hate Kyle? - I don't hate Kyle.
Should I? I mean, you're 16.
I'm going to be a little hawkish about any boy you date.
Especially one who lies to me about adults being at a party.
There were adults.
Joey's been a senior for three years, he's 18 if he's a day.
There you go.
Anyway, he's a bad influence on Rory.
Where is Rory? Rory! It's no fun egging your own backyard.
Sit on this couch, right now! - Hey, everybody.
- Cate.
- Our kids are impossible.
- I'm going back to work.
No, wait.
Sit down.
Everybody just sit down and listen.
I've been thinking - Here we go, more punishment.
- No, it's not punishment.
Hear me out.
When baseball legend Ted Williams stepped up to the plate at age 41 Ted Williams? Isn't he the frozen guy? He wasn't frozen then.
Ted Williams hit a home run his last time at the plate ever.
People have remembered that for decades.
- Do you want us to freeze you? - No.
I don't want - I'm saying - What do you want? - I wanna be in the treehouse.
- When you're dead? That's kind of creepy.
I understand that you're growing up.
All I'm asking is that we spend one last night in the treehouse at Halloween.
This is the last time we'll ever have to do that again.
It's my last time at bat.
Kids! Seriously, you have to show me how you do that.
The s'mores are great, honey.
Much better than last year.
Yeah, it's my mom's recipe.
The secret is using marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate.
OK, let's see.
S'mores, did it.
Séances, did it.
- Ouija board.
- We didn't officially do the Ouija.
- Kerry was cheating.
- Nuh-uh.
I have it on good authority that Paul Hennessy is not dead.
Oh, look at this.
A foot fight, just like the old days.
You girls used to have feety pajamas with clowns on them.
- Get your smelly foot out of my hair! - I hate you.
See, I told you this would be fun.
Paul, could you move a minute? My knee is pinned under that loose board with the rusty nails.
- Is that better? - Yeah, well it depends.
When did I have my last tetanus shot? - Yeah, I'm OK.
- All right.
I can't believe you're making us do this.
Come on, we're all enjoying ourselves.
What treehouse are you in? I don't know about you guys, but I intend to have fun.
Cramp! Are we spending the entire night here? Come on, this is very important to me, I don't ask for much.
- Yes, you do.
- From them! From them! Guys, please, stop complaining and let's try to have a good time.
If I had a jet pack, I would never ride my bike.
Rory.
I love you.
OK, guys Now, I'm gonna tell you a ghost story.
And you guys are all gonna be really scared.
- Fine, whatever.
- OK.
Ooooooh! - Kyle? - Hand it over.
I'm in hell.
Oooooh.
Ooooh.
- Paul? - I forgot the story.
If you wanna go, go.
Go right now, that's fine.
I am so tired of being the only one of us that wants to spend time together.
- Well, I'm still here.
- Yeah, but this is a disaster.
No! No, no, no.
Well, yeah.
Look at this treehouse.
Look at all these memories Kerry's family portrait she painted when she was five years old.
- Where's Bridget? - Kerry said she ran out of chalk.
Look, that's where we all wrote our names on our first night up here.
- Rory, Kerry - With a backward "K.
" Bridget - Oh, without a "D.
" Paul, our kids are horrible spellers.
See, this place is filled with memories.
Bridget, how'd you ditch your parents? Oh, you scared me.
I thought you were Bridget.
I'm tearing this place down tomorrow.
Hey, Cate, would you please rub my back? Oh! That was great.
Maybe this weekend we can all go away together.
Paul, give it a rest.
You can't make the kids play with you.
Play? They live in my house, they don't like me.
They're not kids, they're cats.
They loved you before and they're gonna love you later.
This is just the time in-between.
But even Rory, my buddy, crossed some invisible line today.
Yeah, I know.
You know what I think? In a few years, they'll be out of the house, we'll never see them.
No.
They're still gonna need money.
You guys OK? - Come on, crawl in.
- Come here, buddy.
- That's loud! - Are you scared of thunder? I'm not scared, you are.
- Great, now the power's out.
- Fine, look at this.
- Mom? - Come here.
Rory, get over here.
Bridgie? Kerry, you sit down.
There we go.
- This is nice.
- I know where Bridget is tonight.
Remember when Dad used to say thunder was 'cause God's mad.
Yes, and Rory used to sing little songs to make it stop.
No, I didn't.
# Rain, rain, rain, rain # Rain, rain, rain It wasn't me! - I love our little slumber parties.
- Me, too.
- Paul - Yeah? This is a family tradition.
- Yes, and no splinters.
- And no Kyle, I like this one better.
Look at that.
The Doyle's lights are on.
Naturally.
Fred, Mr.
Fix-It, is probably prepared with his own personal generator.
- Idiot.
What? - Paul! Don't talk about the Doyles like that.
It's a bad example for your children.
- We should be charitable.
- I hate Beth Doyle.
She wears a scrunchie.
I have math class with her, she has monogrammed pencils.
- Stop it, that's just not nice.
- Alison's worse.
She says, "often.
" Often, with the "T.
" Often! Well, look who her mother is.
It's not nice trashing the neighbors.
It's Halloween.
Even though Fred does mow his lawn from the outside in.
The guy's got some demons.
Hey, Dad, you never finished telling the scary story.
So now you wanna hear the story? OK.
Here we go.
Oooooh.
It was a dark and stormy night.
The Doyle's lights were burning brightly.
And down in the basement of the Doyle's there was an electrical charge that went Bridget? Hey, Bridge.
Me, again.
Hey, Papa H, I was just looking for Bridget.
Sure you were, come on in.
It's time you and I had a little talk.
Come on.
Make yourself comfortable.
Rule number one, when dating my daughter you will only come to the front door.
You will knock and await a response that may or may not come.
Oooooh.
Got it? Rule number two - Oooooh.
- Yeah.