Accidentally on Purpose s01e07 Episode Script

Hey, uh, are you Billie Chase? Not another disgruntled reader.
Look, Twilight sucked, and nothing you can say will change my mind.
No, I'm, uh, Sullivan Boyd from the sports desk.
Sully.
You left me a message about needing help with an article? My God, thank you.
Yes.
Okay, I'm doing an article on the top ten basketball movies, and you are a great writer.
Which is saying something, 'cause to me, all sports sounds like "bleep, blop, blork.
" Thank you so much for doing this.
Oh, hey.
Oh, look at you all over the place.
Congratulations to you and your husband.
Oh, nope.
No husband.
No boyfriend.
No contraception.
Oh, you're going to be fine.
All you need is a good game plan.
Like in the deciding game of the 2000 NBA Finals, Kobe fed Shaq the rock the whole night, and in the end, the Lakers brought home the hardware.
Bleep, blop, blork.
But thank you for the pep talk.
No problem, gorgeous.
Oh, and, uh, by the way, I think Twilight sucked, too.
You and me hate the same stuff.
That's, uh, kind of romantic.
So, I met this cute, funny guy, and even though I'm so gigantic I can't even see if I need a bikini wax, I think he was flirting with me.
Of course he was.
We're the Chase sisters.
People chase us.
But in my current state, I can't exactly run, so I got caught.
Anyway, it made me feel really good about myself.
Oh, look, two women with babies.
Wouldn't it be awesome if you were pregnant right now? And you were fatter than me? Oh, my God, the bloating, the stretch marks, the morning sickness.
I dream about it all the time.
Well, how did the latest baby conversation go with Nick? I mean, I know he's anxious about the responsibility, but is he any closer to changing his mind? No.
He's sticking to his guns.
I mean, I know we decided for the first three years of our marriage, we were going to focus on our careers.
Abby, you've been married five years.
That's very frustrating.
But I don't want to say anything, because it has an adverse effect on the quality of his erections.
Yes, well, anything below "raging" is not acceptable.
You know Nick.
He's just afraid of change.
All he needs is a little push.
Like, remember when you convinced him to cut off his ponytail? He still has it in his drawer.
But it's not attached to his head anymore, and that's because of you.
You're right.
So, how do we get him comfortable with the idea of being a father? Hmm.
Well, Zack and I were going to ask you guys to be godparents anyway.
Oh, my God! Why don't you guys come over for brunch tomorrow? We'll get a few mimosas in him, and I'll ask.
We just have to time it right.
After two mimosas, he's open-minded.
After three, he blacks out.
Oh, look.
They're picking up their babies together! Those are either really cute dogs or ugly-ass babies.
This is just completely blowing my mind.
It's amazing.
What is it? For the third time, it's eggs.
Eggs! Oh, eggs the chameleon of food.
Will you be scrambled? Will you be over easy? Uh, Billie, how is that basketball article going? Well, a lot more exciting than I expected.
My collaborator appears to be flirting with me.
You think everybody's flirting with you.
So, medium pepperoni, and here's some free cinnamon logs for you.
Free logs.
I think we know where this is heading.
Free cinnamon logs are part of the promotion.
It was on the commercial.
Oh, really? Was undressing me with his eyes in the commercial, too? Billie, that's so funny.
Oh.
Nick, Abby.
Yes.
What? Are you about to ask us something? Uh-huh.
Zack and I were going to wait till after the baby was born, but we just think you two would make such incredible parents that we would like you to be our baby's godparents.
Oh, my God! It's an honor.
A surprising honor.
Of course.
Yeah, sure.
Because it would help us get used to the idea of being parents ourselves it just occurred to me.
And we're going to be parents, eventually.
Well, eventually, I'm going to be infertile.
Are we really doing this "I want to have a baby" thing again over eggs Benedict? I think doing it over eggs is completely appropriate.
Because every month I make one, you do nothing about it and it dies.
This was just intended as a lovely gesture.
I think Five years ago, it was three years, and now you're saying "eventually," which is at least another three years, and, uh, if you add that I'm too mad to be doing math right now.
Okay.
Calm down.
L- I understand your frustration.
See, if you add three to the existing Get out! - Fine.
- Fine.
Fine! Billie, Zack, thank you for a lovely brunch.
Yes, we have to do this again sometime.
# I can't be anything without you.
# I'm going to be childless forever and ever and ever, and then I'm going to die alone.
Because men die first.
That's because they're quitters.
Look, Abby, I know this is important to you, but I think you're going to your dark place kind of quick here.
I mean, after all, it's just one fight.
It's-it's not just one fight, okay? This is an ongoing battle of wills, and Nick is ferocious, as I'm sure you can tell.
Well, if you want to get what you want, you're just going to have to be ferocious back.
Like, remember when Nick got cold feet about getting married 'cause even at 25, his 401 hadn't vested yet? You and I went off to Cabo.
Gave him some time to think, and he missed you so much he showed up at the airport in a tuxedo.
At first, I thought he was a limo driver.
- It was so romantic.
- Aw.
Sweetie, you're my sister.
I'll support whatever you want to do, but why don't we try that approach? I mean, Cabo's off the table, because look at me.
So what? We can still hang out, have fun, and in time, he'll miss your sweet ass.
You really think that'll work? I'm not sure, but I promise you we will find a solution to this.
Easy on the revitalizer.
It's 50 bucks a jar.
Sorry.
I'm upset.
I know.
Okay, seriously, that's enough.
I can't believe you guys didn't ask me to be the godfather.
It might have hurt your chances that you're kind of a pothead.
What are you talking about? Dude when I look at you through this fork, You look like you're in jail.
No, dude.
You're in jail.
Oh, no.
Wow.
Well, that's not the image I want to project.
Okay, how can I handle this problem? Ah Drawing a blank.
Guess we'll have to live with it.
You could quit smoking pot.
Whoa, whoa.
Settle down, okay? I mean, quit? Uh, no.
I don't think, uh Whoa.
I mean, you know what I could do? I could maybe just, you know, take a little break.
Not quit.
You know, no finality.
Just a little respite.
Some time off from my weed.
I already hate this.
Okay, hey, I'm here for you, man, okay? Anyways, you can't have any around, so we need to get rid of all the pot in your apartment.
Whoa, hey, whoa! You can't be serious.
This is hard.
It would've been easier if you did a list on the top bobsledding movies of all time, because it's a short list.
Cool Runnings.
See, there, we're done.
You know, you got a great belly laugh.
But then again, you got a great belly.
Wow, I haven't heard that compliment since this enormous thing started growing inside of me.
Are you kidding me? That kid has the best seat in the house.
Damn, I got to go cover the Warriors game.
How about I come back here afterwards, we'll polish this thing off and I'll even buy you dinner? It'll be like a work date.
James! Can I ask you a question about my body? Well, I see this ending well for me.
Sully just asked me out.
Is it possible that at this stage of my girth, where my skin is stretched to the point that it may never snap back, that someone could find me attractive? Yeah, it's possible.
Ah, thank you.
If he's a freak.
I retract my thank you.
He must be one of those "pregnophiles.
" Pregnophile? What's that? That's not something.
Yeah, yeah, sure, it is.
You know, there's all kinds of weird fetishes.
Like people who are into weird costumes or feet or monogamy.
Is that all of it? Yeah, that's it.
The thought of all that weed, down there in the sewer, being smoked by all those sewer people What the hell are you talking about? The sewer people.
Are there not sewer people? No.
Then, who defends the treasure? Ladies, I give you weed-free Davis and his handsome friend, me.
Davis, good for you.
I don't remember you being weed-free since Good for you! So, has Nick called you yet? Screw him.
Until he comes to his senses and tells me I am right about this baby thing, I am having fun.
I'm not wearing a bra.
You know, when I want to reel back in an old lover, I take sexy photos of myself and post them on Facebook.
Hasn't really worked yet.
But I did discover I'm allergic to rose petals.
I think it's a great idea to give Nick a little reminder of how desirable you are.
I mean, we sent him those pictures of us in Cabo with the super hot cliff divers.
Let's take a picture and post it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Give me "hot" and "sexy" and "don't you want to fertilize my eggs?" And Oh.
There.
This will be the push Nick needs.
Oh, my God.
I feel bawdy.
Now me and my new boots are going to get hammered.
Ooh.
Have to go meet Sully.
Will you keep Abby company till I get back? Yeah.
Sure.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just found out my boyfriend cheated on me, and I want to get back at him.
Hi.
I'm Zack.
Man, you're a really good writer.
Oh, come on.
No, seriously.
You see this comma? It's perfectly placed.
I wouldn't have put it there, but you did, because you you're special.
Now you're just busting my balls.
I am, but you know, this is a really good article.
Thank you.
I couldn't have done it without you.
You know, I was in China for the Olympics.
Tiniest people you ever saw, jumping up and down in the sky.
"Bing, bing, bing.
" Like their asses were replaced by rockets.
I wish I could have been there.
Oh, they would love you over there.
You'd be like a big, golden, sexy giant to them.
Sully, um, tell me more about yourself.
You know, do you date? Oh, of course you date.
We're on a date.
But what about the last person you went out with? Was she anything like me? In some ways.
I mean, we were really into each other, but then it just ended after, I think nine months.
Oh.
What about the one before that? Ah, that was Sherry.
That one lasted about eight months, but she dropped early.
Dropped early? We were in a computer class together.
Dumb girl, real dumb.
Oh.
Okay, well, that checks out.
Oh, God.
This was so much fun, but I got to go meet my sister at a bar a few blocks away.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Can I walk you there? You don't have to do that.
Oh, come on.
What kind of guy would I be if I didn't walk a hot pregnant woman to a bar? # Yo, wassup? # Nick hasn't called.
He hasn't texted.
He hasn't e-mailed.
Davis, call my phone and see if it's working.
Nick? No, it's me.
Oh, okay.
Good-bye.
Screw it! Yeah, that wasn't ours.
Nick's had all day to call or come and get me, so the hell with him.
Let's go to one of those underground after-hours clubs where everyone wears a dog collar.
That sounds expensive.
Well, where can we go that's free? Oh, how about your place? I'm sorry.
I'm just getting off drugs.
Did you say let's go back to my place? Thank you for walking me here.
Well, I wasn't ready to say good-bye to you yet.
Okay, now I'm ready.
Bye-bye.
You know, I, um I'd really like to see you again.
Not on a work date, but a, uh a date-date.
Yes-yes.
Would it weird you out if I kissed you? No-no.
I don't usually say this after I've kissed someone, but there's the guy who got me pregnant.
Why were you waving at that woman? She's carrying my baby.
I kind of have to.
Zack, this is Sully.
- Hey, dude.
- Good to know you.
I'm a big fan of your work.
You want a beer? Yeah.
All right.
So, he's a cool guy, huh? Yeah, sure for a pregnophile.
What?! Okay, how come every man in my life knows this word? Do you really want to go down that road? Because "pregnophile" is just the tip of the iceberg.
Well, I think you are wrong.
I really like him.
He's a sweet guy.
We make each other laugh, and we have fun.
My pregnancy has nothing to do with it.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
Mmm.
You are plump and juicy.
Sully There's no polite way to ask you this.
Are you, by any chance, a pregnophile? What the hell is a pregnophile? Oh, uh, well, it means someone who is attracted to pregnant women.
You know, I I'm offended.
I'm a nice man with nice desires.
I'm sorry.
I really like you.
Maybe you're not a pregnophile.
Maybe I'm not? Well almost definitely not.
No.
It's too late.
Okay, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go write an article on the top ten most hurtful things people have ever said about me.
Second is this pregnophile thing.
And the first one I still can't talk about.
I can't believe I'd let you guys get in my head like that.
Isn't it possible that he is a nice man with nice desires? All right.
Where's Abby? Did she hear from Nick? Yeah, I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know? You and Davis were keeping her company.
And we did till I started making out with that girl.
I'm calling her.
This couch is so dirty.
I really feel like I'm having an adventure.
You should see the bathroom.
It's like being in Bangladesh.
You know, if my sister weren't pregnant, I never would have met you.
Well, if my best friend hadn't had sex with your sister, I never would have met you.
Well, I'm glad we met each other.
Me, too.
You'd make a baby with me, right, Davis? Hey, maybe Nick took her home.
Why don't you call him and find out? What if he didn't, and we call and she's not there? We don't have an answer for where she is.
You can't put a good spin on, "Your wife is missing.
" Hang on.
It's Davis.
Maybe he knows.
Okay.
Hey, dude, do you know where Abby is? She's in my apartment right now, and she wants to have sex with me.
- He knows where she is.
- Good.
Listen to me.
I have a vulnerable, tipsy woman in my living room slash dining room slash photography studio, and I'm about to give in to temptation here.
Hold on, man.
I'm coming.
Okay.
This is going to sound bad, but it could be worse.
Your sister is at Davis's, and I think he's locked himself in the bathroom because she wants to have sex with him.
Oh, my God.
I have a terrible feeling I made this happen.
Oy, oy, oy, oy.
I think I made this happen, too.
Nick! Zack, it's Nick! Keep it together.
Where's Abby? We are just on our way to go get her.
Why don't you go home and No! She is my wife, and I'm coming with you.
Okay.
I like angry Nick.
You know, you can only push me so far.
If you're a woman.
If you're a man, you can probably push me indefinitely.
Maybe they're sleeping.
Or having really quiet, tender sex.
Let's just get in there while Nick is still trying to parallel park.
Oh, God, this is all my fault.
Hello? Abby, what are you doing? Were you two fooling around? Oh, thank God.
Wait a minute.
Then, what the hell is going on here? Billie, you're in jail.
You guys are stoned? I am so telling Mom about this.
"I am so telling Mom a" Really, don't tell Mom! It's just her, not me.
You are looking at a pot-free dude right now.
But I am kind of in a silly mood.
I was under the distinct impression that you flushed it all.
Oh, Zack.
Poor, innocent Zack.
You never flush it all, dude.
You always keep some, in case there's a war.
I saw a rat that had a cat in its mouth.
Nick, you came to me! Wait.
I'm mad at you.
Wait.
I'm hungry.
Wait.
I'm mad at you.
That outfit looks even better in person.
Is that an olive branch? Because I like what you're wearing, too.
My Wednesday vest? But it's Friday.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
I'm sorry I've been so stubborn about the baby thing, but if you feel like you're ready, then I am, too.
We're ready! Oh, Nick! Oh, I have a wonderful feeling I made this happen.
Unbelievable.
So, you made me feel bad for questioning why you liked me, but I think it's clear now that I was right because - Billie - Oh.
Oh, what? You don't want her to know that you're only going out with her 'cause she's pregnant? I'm sorry.
I just think you need to know that you're on a date with a pregnophile.
Billie, Billie, Billie, Billie.
This is my sister Denise.
And she ain't pregnant.