Alex, Inc. (2018) s01e07 Episode Script

1 ALEX: Relationships are constantly being tested.
Alex, let me do the peeling.
I don't want blood in my food.
Blood's a good source of iron.
- Both old ones - Soraya, finish your homework.
Put that game down.
LAUREN: And in London, they call it the tube, but here, we call it the subway.
and new ones.
Also, they call a truck a lorry.
And guess what they call an elevator.
They call it a lift, Lauren.
By the way, should we be looking out for your mom? When did you say she's picking you up? Uh, aren't we staying for dinner? Oh.
I didn't realize Lauren was part of the "we.
" - I am.
- Fun.
Fun stuff.
Hey, Mom, can Lauren stay for dinner, too? If there isn't enough food, I totally understand.
You know what? I'll just tell her it's a no-go.
Why? I thought you guys were homies.
I mean, friends.
Lauren's cramping his style.
Ah, the classic "third wheel.
" Doesn't understand social cues.
I knew I felt a kinship with Lauren.
Well, have you told Emily how you feel? He's too much of a wimp.
He's been trying to say it with body language.
Oh, great.
One double-stick popsicle left.
Lauren called dibs.
Guess I'll take this half-opened orange sherbet Push-Pop from the bottom of the freezer.
November 2015.
Oof.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- Ugh.
Eddie just sent me a list of potential podcasts for our company to produce.
There's over 200 submissions.
Everyone wants to be our next big thing.
- Anything good? - Some are okay, some are horrible, none are right for us.
The problem is that everyone and their mother thinks they have a good idea for a podcast.
You know, I actually have a great idea for a podcast.
Right? That's exactly what they all sound like.
No, I'm serious.
Do you remember the Flannery murder? Oh, God, this is happening? I was fresh out of law school, clerking for that judge.
The defendant got off, but the real killer was never found, and it's been haunting me ever since.
Babe, I know you're trying to help, but it's not that simple.
It takes more than a kernel of an idea to make a great podcast.
There's a certain alchemy Dare I say magic to it.
Did that sound pretentious? Dare I say yeah, it totally did.
Was it the hand gesture? No, it was the whole thing.
As the podcast search continued, our options were looking bleak.
They ranged from "just okay", to, well, this.
It is a show about interspecies friendship.
Like if a baby bird falls out of its nest but lands near a turtle, so the turtle adopts it.
Or maybe a bulldog falls in love with a horse.
Okay, but what would we be hearing? TOGETHER: The sounds of animal friendship.
[CHUCKLES.]
EDDIE: Is this what we're down to? Unlikely animal friendships? I know.
I was really hoping that guy Jeremy's idea would be decent so I could be his unlikely animal friend.
Well, why can't you be? Nobody thought a horse could ride a whale, but he proved them wrong.
Wouldn't that be unprofessional? I mean, he just pitched to us.
It seems like it would be an abuse of my position to now make him take me to Cafe Renaldo and then on a carriage ride I still have a Groupon for.
See, you got it all planned out.
You have to call him, Deirdre.
- What do you got to lose? - I don't know.
It's tempting, but it's - What are you doing? - I'm not doing anything.
You're asking him out.
Oh, my God.
I am so mad at you.
Give that back to me.
Somebody's going out for drinks on Wednesday.
Oh, I can't believe you.
Unless you're too mad.
I might get over it by then.
I was thinking we should ride a tandem bike sometime.
What? Why? Or, really, any activity for two people Uh, paddle boat, checkers, dressing up in one of those horse costumes.
Ben, what is going on? Do you not like Lauren? Whaaaat?! Come on.
I can read your shoulders.
Ugh.
My mouth can lie, but these fellas always tell the truth.
Okay, fine.
I don't like her.
Look, I get it.
She can be a little annoying.
It'd just be great if we could spend some time together, - you know, just us two.
- I know.
But I can't think of any way to get rid of her.
You know the principal owes me a favor.
Maybe we could work out a transfer? You're weird.
Runs in the family.
Oh, hey, babe.
Hey.
How'd it go? Did you find your new show? Uh, I don't think so.
The best thing we had today was an oral history of the history of oral histories.
So probably not.
Well, then, it is your lucky day.
- What's that? - It's a little teaser Ben and I cut together so you can hear what my true-crime podcast might sound like.
It's probably not any good, but, you know, give it a chance.
Well, awesome.
I can't wait to listen.
Oh, whoops.
You almost forgot it.
Oh, can't do that.
That would be the real true crime.
Hope you like it.
You're gonna like it.
Is this really the best one we got? Rolling blackouts of the Midwest? Yeah, I stayed awake for three quarters of The Darkness in Des Moines.
What's that? Oh, Rooni had an idea for a podcast, too.
She and Ben made a little teaser.
- Is it any good? - I don't know.
I'm afraid to listen to it.
If it's bad, I'll have to hurt her feelings, and if it's good, I'll have to work with her.
- You don't want to work with her? - Oh, I love Rooni, but "Home Rooni" and "Work Rooni" are totally different.
Sounds like my first marriage.
There was "Sober Deb" and then there was "Face-Down Sundays Deb.
" I'm not gonna sit here and say I don't miss her, though.
"Work Rooni" has to control everything.
In college, we worked together at a sub shop called I Need a Hero.
I get it.
I like that.
Yeah, well, I was the shift manager, right? And one night, we got slammed.
Now, to me, food was an art form.
Every single sandwich was special.
But Rooni, to her, it was just food, an assembly line, crank it out.
So we got in a huge fight, and she threw a gabagool at my head.
It was during my kosher phase.
I had a rash until Shabbat.
After that, I vowed to never work with her again.
You know, uh, I hear all that, and it sounds really hard for you, especially the gabagool part, but, uh, we got nothing, so, here, pop that in.
Let's just give it a chance.
ROONI: On the night of October 26th, in the year 2004, Wilson Flannery went for a jog and never came home.
Ooh-hoo, I'm teased.
And so the question remains Who killed Wilson Flannery? His ex-girlfriend? His former employee? The man in the green van who no one ever questioned? If you're like me, you want answers.
Over the next 10 weeks, we intend to find them.
Wow.
Whoa.
We gotta do this.
Okay, but, come on, are we really giving the rolling-blackouts one a fair shake? Okay, fine.
I think we found our next podcast.
ALEX: I knew we needed Rooni's show, but there had to be a way to avoid working with her.
I needed a little time to figure that out.
What'd you think? Did you listen? Good, right? Great, maybe? Tell me everything.
Be honest.
But kind.
I'll shut up.
Babe, I didn't want to tell you this, but - it's great.
- Oh, my God.
You're such a jerk.
Really? You liked it? I like it so much that we're gonna do it.
Oh, this is so exciting.
We're gonna be partners! Totally.
In life, for sure.
But, uh, anyhoo, the gang's excited to get started tomorrow and really sink our teeth into this thing, so get ready, you know, 'cause we might be coming to you with questions - from time to time.
- Oh, only time to time? I wish I could be more help than that.
This idea is kind of my baby.
Mm.
You know what they say.
You can't deliver your own baby.
Actually, people deliver their own babies all the time.
And I'm pretty sure most of those people die.
I don't think that's true.
Look, I'm not gonna stand here and argue with you, okay? I just want everyone to be safe.
Thank you so much for this idea, though.
You nailed it.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Finally.
Tell me everything.
Jeremy was amazing! Drinks turned into dinner, turned into dessert.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and he was still there.
Sounds like a keeper.
And work stuff didn't come up at all.
You were totally right.
Thank you for making this happen.
And, by the way, he has a really cute butt.
Um, I do have eyes.
And the man with the green van would be here from 9:00 to 9:45 while Wilson Flannery went for his jog.
You see, as I always say, either sprint or walk.
Anything in between, you're asking for trouble.
Hey, team! Hey, honey, what are you doing here? Playing hooky.
I hope it's okay I'm here.
But I realized you can't really do the work without all the information or doughnuts.
Aww, babe, you didn't have to do that.
I hope they're those fancy kind with the cereal on top.
Regular.
Okay, so, catch me up.
How was the first team meeting for our new show? Our new show.
Oh, we've just been doing lots of podcast-y stuff.
I don't want to bore you with the details.
We do have Detective Phipps coming in tomorrow afternoon.
- Yeah.
- Aw, man, you guys have all the fun.
Ooh, did we land on a title? Oh, we've landed.
It's "The Flannery File.
" Oh.
You know, in my head, it was always called "Gone Guy.
" - Ooh.
- I'd listen to that.
- But I could go either way.
- I hate it.
You don't want a title to be too good.
That's true.
That's a podcast thing.
Not too good.
Huh.
Hey.
Where are your girlfriends? Very funny.
I didn't even know what a mani-pedi was before today.
Plus, Lauren sat in the massage chair between me and Emily and spilled her boba in my foot-water.
You know how to ditch her, right? Yes.
But what if you were to tell me? Set Lauren up, dummy.
That way she'll have a boyfriend and she'll be out of your life.
Wow.
That That makes sense.
But who would I set her up with? Do I have to do everything? Asher.
Okay, he's home-schooled, basically lice-free, he plays kickball in his jeans.
They're perfect for each other.
Soraya, you little genius.
No, duh.
Boom.
Jeremy, my man! Look at you.
Heard about your date.
Sounds like it couldn't have gone better.
Oh, yeah, it was great.
Deirdre's out at a meeting right now.
Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you.
Of course.
What do you want to know about Deirdre? Her middle name is Marigold.
Favorite flower is a daisy.
Don't look like you nailed that, but you got time.
And for some reason, she refuses to observe Daylight Savings Time.
Now, I don't know what that's about, but it really screws up our scheduling.
Oh, okay.
All good stuff.
But I actually want to talk to you and Alex about something else Another podcast idea.
Oh.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
After getting to know Deirdre a bit, I think I have a handle on what you guys are looking for.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why don't we wait for Deirdre to get back so the whole team will be together, okay? I'll put these in some water for you.
Detective, thank you again for coming in.
I'm sure you're a very, very busy man.
Nah.
But I am having second thoughts about doing this.
Oh, do you mind if I ask why? I don't really love talking about cases I wasn't able to solve.
And this case is colder than my buddy Pete's wife.
- She works in a morgue.
- Oh.
And she doesn't put out, as he tells it.
- Oh, right.
- Um, can we cut that out? - Yeah, I can edit anything out.
- Thank you.
Well, why don't we not talk about that? Why don't we talk about something else, like, uh - bowling? - Are you a pinhead? I have been known to toss a rock or two.
- Really? - Yes, sir, up in the air, down it goes.
Hey, guys.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
Oh, what a surprise.
This is, uh, Rooni, my, uh Uh, colleague on the podcast, a.
k.
a.
the one whose idea this was.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Uh, what are you doing here? Oh, I moved some things around.
So what are we talking about? Uh, well, the detective and I were just entering into a very exciting bowling discussion.
- Hm.
- Oh.
That seems relevant.
Yeah.
So are you on a team? Oh, yeah.
We all use 16-pound balls.
We're called the 16-Pound Ball Gang.
Don't worry.
We're not a real gang.
Wow, you've got some heavy balls.
You have no idea.
Okay, so, you were the first person on the scene at the At the Flannery murder.
What did you see? He doesn't want to talk about that right now.
What What are you doing? He doesn't We We were discussing something else.
Yeah, no, I heard heavy balls, got it.
- So, Detective, set the scene for us.
- I'm not sure What's your high score? Oh, 241.
Wow.
That sounds like a lot of points.
- Why is this important? - Because I'm establishing a relationship with the subject.
- So what was the first sign - What's the deal with - that there was a murder? - the special shoes? Why My shoes aren't gonna hurt the floor.
I'm a little confused right now.
You know what? Can I talk to you for a second, please? - Yeah.
- Will you excuse us one moment? Sure.
Take your time.
My daughter's learning trombone.
I'll enjoy the silence.
I get it.
- What are you doing? - What are you doing? Are we suddenly making a bowling podcast? I'm trying to humanize him.
You know what? This is exactly why I didn't work with you.
Oh, I knew it.
I knew you didn't! It's like the sub shop all over again.
Oh, my God.
You're bringing that up? - You threw pork at me! - Okay, there is no such thing as ham-aphylactic shock.
- I was twitching.
- You know what? You were threatened by me then, and you're threatened by me now.
I am not threatened by you, Rooni, but it's not a courtroom.
Did you really think you could just stroll in here - and do what I do? - Oh, great.
Are we gonna hear about alchemy and magic again? Okay, you know what? If you think you can do better, why don't you just do it on your own? - Fine, maybe I will.
- Good, great! And Maya's mom called about a play date for Soraya! - Is Thursday okay? - Friday's more convenient! - Fine! - Great! I couldn't get over what Rooni had done.
How could she act like such a baby? I keep trying to slam this drawer, but it has a stupid soft-close on it.
How is somebody supposed to show they're furious around here? Oh, boy, I was just hoping to grab a snack, something light.
Rooni totally took over that whole interview with the detective.
Just grab a yogurt and leave.
She thinks that just 'cause you don't have to pass a Bar Exam to do what I do that anybody can do it.
Oh, it's so easy.
Just put a mic in front of them.
All right, I guess I'm in this.
So, your issue is that you have a fragile ego.
No.
My issue is that she totally hijacked the interview with the detective.
No, what I'm telling you is your issue is that you have a fragile ego.
From the beginning, you felt threatened by Rooni's idea.
You know what? Why don't you just grab a yogurt and go? Eh, nothing but Greek.
I don't know who keeps eating all the Activia.
I am not threatened.
Okay, okay, fine.
Maybe I am a little bit.
It's just that she's so good at everything, and I'm only good at this one thing, and now she's good at my thing, too.
So you have a choice.
You can sulk and pout because you have a talented wife, or you can put your ego aside and use her knowledge to help us make a great show.
You're right.
I'm gonna miss sulking and pouting, but you're right.
By the way, I'm the one who had the last Activia.
All this meshuggaas with the gabagool has got my tum-tum verklempt.
Guess what, Ben.
Out of the blue, your friend Asher just came by.
Whaaat?! [LAUGHS.]
My single friend, Asher.
What are the odds? You texted me Yeah, sure, we text all the time.
Okay, so, this total package right here is named Lauren.
Uh hi.
Hi.
Eye contact, Ash.
Attaboy.
So he just stopped by, huh? My work here is done.
Oh, my God.
Was Jeremy here? He's still here.
[GASPS, SIGHS.]
Yay.
And it's all thanks to you.
I'm gonna go say hi.
Hey, uh, there's no easy way to say this.
But I think Jeremy's using you to sell a podcast.
What makes you say that? Because he's waiting to pitch some ideas right now.
He what? [CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
It's true what they say about the podcast industry.
Such a dirty business.
Hold my Tab.
Jeremy.
Oh, hey.
You were using me? We went on a carriage ride together, and the whole time you were just thinking about - pitching a podcast? - What? No, that's not what I was true Save it, bub.
You know what? Your pitch wasn't just bad.
It was one of the worst that I have ever heard.
Your tush may be a 10, but the rest of you is a 1 at best.
Except for your eyes and your face.
They're a 9.
Well, what I was going to say is I think you're smart and cool, and I was really hoping that you liked me, but I was worried that you would think I was a loser for turning in such a bad idea.
So I came up with these.
I was hoping if I could sell you one that I might impress you.
Oh.
Hey, you know, that wasn't my only Groupon.
We can go get blowouts together.
No, thanks.
I'm happy with my curls.
Me too.
So just call or text or just keep on walking and don't turn around if you want to hang out this week! Sounds good! - Look, I - Don't.
[SIGHS.]
So, you got to the site around 7:50 p.
m.
with your partner.
Yeah, it's all in my report.
Well, I want to hear it from you.
Now, what did you see when you got to the scene? Look, if I wanted to be asked questions I didn't want to answer, I'd let my mom out of the attic.
I'm just kidding.
The door's unlocked.
Look, is that other guy still around here? He's a hell of a lot easier to talk to.
Can you please just answer the question? I don't want to.
So, tell me about bowling.
Why do I have to change my shoes? Hey.
Hey.
I made you sort of an apology coffee.
Or as I like to call it, a "grande apologano.
" No, if anything, I should make you an apologano, a venti apologano.
Oh, I can't handle a venti on account of the meshuggaas in my tum-tum.
I just got so excited that you liked my idea, but I-I took it too far.
I didn't respect how hard your job is.
Anyway, Phipps is on his way out.
And I kind of really made a mess of things, but I know you'll find a way to salvage it.
Rooni, come on, wait.
Come back.
You and I are the most amazing team at home.
We've raised these perfect kids.
- Well - Well, almost perfect kids.
I don't understand why we can't do that here.
You bring your egg, I'll bring my seed, and we can birth a little podcast baby.
- Gross.
- You know what I mean.
Let's go find Phipps and you do what you do best and I'll do what I do best.
Maybe make some magic? You don't always have to go for a joke, Rooni.
You can just let this be a sweet moment.
Sorry.
So that's where all the doughnuts went.
Well, now that I'm not getting naked anytime soon, I thought I'd just go for it.
I'm sorry, D.
I really read that situation wrong.
Normally I'm very good at spotting creeps.
In Sunday school, I knew Judas was up to no good way before the Last Supper.
No, it's not your fault.
I mean, you did not help, but I would've found a way to mess it up anyways.
I always do.
I guess on some level I just thought, "Why else would Jeremy want to be with me?" Hey, don't talk like that.
You're a catch.
In fact, your problem is you might be too good for most of the guys out there.
Thanks, Eddie.
But what if Jeremy actually was a good guy? Well, you're gonna find out tonight.
You texted him again and apologized, and he said he'd meet - you for drinks later.
- Give me that! You gotta change the passcode on your phone.
Everybody knows Alex's birthday.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you.
- Those are mine.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Detective Phipps.
Look, uh, we're so sorry about all the back-and-forth, okay? I made you a coffee, or as I like to call it - A coffee.
- A coffee.
Thanks, but I'm gonna head out.
Wait, please.
W-We really want to solve this case, but we can't do it without you.
I just don't feel comfortable sitting in a room, opening up about the biggest failure of my career.
No, but you didn't fail.
The system failed.
You know what? Why don't we get out of here? Why don't we hit up a-a bowling alley? Yeah, we can talk over a few beers.
Hey, what the heck? It's 11:00 a.
m.
somewhere.
Great.
And you get to see why they call me "The Bumper Boy.
" I don't really need them, but I like to be safe.
Hey, there's no judgment on the hardwood, Bumper Boy.
- Loving you.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Yeah, there might be some intangible magic to what I do, but it's nothing compared to the magic we have when we work together.
Okay, I hear it now.
It is a little pretentious.
- Oh, this has been a great day.
- Mm-hmm.
10 hours of just the two of us.
We really have talked about Would you say everything? Hmm, pretty much.
You know what I definitely don't miss Outside distractions.
Mm.
Me neither.
It's so great how Lauren and Asher really hit it off.
Do you know they already have a couple name? - Ashren? - Nope, Laursher.
Went the other way.
Those guys probably miss us.
Probably.
- Should we call them? - I was already dialing.
[RINGING.]
Hello, Laursher.
TOGETHER: It's Bemily.
ASHER: Sorry, we can't talk right now.
We're trying to put on a horse costume.
Oh, man! They beat us to it!