Aliens in America s01e07 Episode Script

morning??? you never?? just??? what you one??? we??? but?? yes? what??? you?? oh?? they??? smoking?? It's?? you?? I??? the two of us sharing the delightfully smooth flavor Yeah, well, the whole idea is that when you come to America, you check your traditions at the border.
Otherwise, you got cannibals running around in the streets, and we've got enough traffic problems as it is.
Somehow, all my Dad's parables ended with the cannibals in the streets.
Believe me, I-I am not a regular smoker.
I am afraid it is the stress of the upcoming mid-terms that has got me started again.
Well, Raja, I'm sorry, but we just cannot have smoking in the house.
Gary and I were smokers for many years, and it was very difficult to quit.
So garbage disposal.
I'm not going near that thing.
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It is so heartwarming to see the appreciation the students here at Medora have for your nation's heroes.
Uh, yeah.
Around ten years ago, the student council started selling "Purple Heart" flowers to raise money for the local veteran's hospital.
I'll take one.
It goes to Melinda Lewis.
Somewhere along the way, kids started sending each other "Purple Hearts" as if they were Valentine's.
I hereby award a Purple Heart.
So, like everything else in high school, we had turned Veterans Day into a popularity contest.
GIRL: If my boyfriend doesn't get me at least 12 Purple Hearts this year, I will die.
For a girl like Claire, this should have been the most anticipated day on the school calendar.
But not this year.
Hey, Claire, can I talk to you for a minute? Historically, Claire was the one who did the breaking up.
What's up, sweetie? So this was a little unexpected.
You're a great girl, but I need my space.
Your space? See, like right now, you're all up on me.
You asked me to come over here.
Now it's a big thing.
Look, we're over.
Cool? Cool.
Claire and I might not have had the best sibling relationship, but when push came to shove, we were always there for each other.
(whispering): Thanks.
Okay, here is all my tenth grade tests and book reports, but you're only gonna use them as study guides, right? I'm sorry for killing your turtle.
That's okay.
Sorry for making fun of your new haircut.
The point is, we had each other's backs.
I knew I had to strike back against Jeffrey.
RAJA: Under normal circumstances, I would protest an act of vandalism, but this time it is deserved.
Claire's honor must be avenged.
Hey! Hey! The marker's out of ink.
(bell rings) Somebody else give me another I would suggest "quickly" It's not like it's the end of the world or anything.
Oh, my God! Here comes a Love Soldier.
I hereby award a Purple Heart to Claire Tolchuck for her service to her country.
Oh, my God! Is it from Jeffrey? Does he want to get back together? I don't know.
TANNER: I bet it's from Steve Dawson! Or maybe Dan Archer! Who's it from? No one.
Mm.
Very nice.
You got it.
Your Purple Heart is from your brother? JUSTIN: Yeah.
You seemed a little down, I just wanted to Do her? No.
I just wanted to Get in her pants? I see the confusion here.
The Purple Hearts are often given as a sign of romantic affection, which is why you girls mistakenly think he wants to engage in sexual activity with his sister.
I mean, Claire, you know, come on.
You know what I mean, right? This doesn't look good.
I understand, Justin.
That you're a freak.
(girls laugh) Tell you what, I'm not interested.
Hey, why don't you ask out your pillow instead? After what you've put it through, I think it deserves a night out.
Or there's Aunt Sally.
He hid in her closet and watched her undress.
I have heard the story.
Justin was playing hide-and-seek.
Aunt Sally was not supposed to be in there or be bottomless.
It's okay, Raja.
Let's go.
What's the matter? Not in love with me anymore? Oh, crap, crap, crap, crap.
Jiminy Christmas! God darn it! Damn it! Oh, hi, Raja.
My pot roast is a disaster.
Well, I suppose we're gonna have to order pizza again.
Now, I know you don't eat sausage but is there anything in your religion against mushrooms or stuffed crust? No.
Raja! I am so sorry.
I had forgotten how addictive these things can be.
Give me a light.
Mrs.
Tolchuck? Save it, kid.
I have had a hell of a week with this Claire situation, and Gary is still looking for work, and apparently I said something to offend Audrey and her black husband.
I just need a couple of puffs to calm me down.
Come on! But this is it.
One cigarette, and we are both done for good, got it? Understood.
Can I come in for a sec? Something's different.
Didn't you have a race car bed? Yep.
Six years ago.
Look, about what happened today, at school People make mistakes, and This is not easy for me to say.
What I'm trying to say is I forgive you.
Okay, fine.
I was wrong.
I went way overboard today.
I'm sorry, okay? Nope.
Not okay.
What? What you did today was unforgivable.
Yeah, but I apologized.
You have to accept it.
Well, I don't.
Look, Claire you've done a lot of crappy things to me in the past, especially this year, now that you're Miss Popular.
But what you did today in the lunch room crossed the line.
And we're not going back! Justin Ah! That was the last sentence I ever spoke to you.
Except for that one.
And that one.
You get the point.
It's over.
You don't exist to me anymore.
?? learning what life was like without a brother.
(whispering): Justin.
Justin! (tapping glass) Justin! Dude, open the window! You made your point.
I get it.
I was mean and cruel and shouldn't have done what I did.
I said I was sorry! What more do you want from me?! Justin? Justin! Meanwhile, another one of my dad's job interviews had gone down in flames.
But that wasn't the smoke he was smelling.
Carolina Slims.
Lights.
No.
Extra Lights.
Care to explain this, Raja? After everything Mrs.
Tolchuck and I told you about the dangers of smoking, this is what I find? But You betrayed my trust, Raja, and I'm the one who wanted to keep you.
He can hear that now.
Mrs.
Tolchuck? Don't "Mrs.
Tolchuck" me.
Smoking is a disgusting habit.
It will not be tolerated in this house.
And I think a month without television should help you remember that.
That would seem very unfair.
Uh, TV's pretty severe, Franny.
Are you sure you want to go to Def-Con One, because there's really no place to go after that.
Yeah, fine.
But we're watching you.
That's my girl.
Minty fresh.
I cannot believe this.
You just sold me out like an ugly cousin.
I am sorry, Raja, but I couldn't let Gary find out about this-- not just to protect myself, but to protect him.
If he starts smoking again, he won't be able to stop like we're going to.
You are right.
For Mr.
Tolchuck's sake, we must both quit.
We're done.
Now.
Absolutely.
Finished.
One last one for the road? No.
Okay, just No.
I need your help, Raja.
I have to win Justin back, but I don't know how.
What does he like? Books, music, movies? Raja didn't usually mind helping Claire with her problems, but it's a little hard being helpful when you're jonesing for nicotine.
Stop talking! You do not even know if your own brother likes movies? What is wrong with you?! I apologize for my outburst.
It is just that I'm a little bit on the edge, you know? Claire, I believe the best thing you can do for Justin is to prove to him that you are not ashamed of him.
Okay.
But how? For example, you could get him invited to Tim Chegley's Veterans Day party.
Really? You think he'd like that? Like it? It is all that he and his irritating, hormonal, stupid friends talk about every blasted day at lunch! Okay.
Thanks, Raja.
Any time.
Hey.
So, uh.
I spoke to Tim Chegley, and he said that if you wanted to come to his party tomorrow night, you could.
What do you think? I'm sorry.
I don't accept invitations from strangers.
And since I no longer have a sister, I don't know who you are which means you're a stranger.
Okay.
I give up.
DOOLEY: Are you insane? You just turned down an invite to a Tim Chegley party.
Those things are wall-to-wall ass.
Ass as far as the eye can see.
I need some of that ass, man.
BRAD: I'd love to just hold a girl.
A real girl.
Raja, you gotta talk some sense into him.
Yes, ass all over the walls.
Please excuse me.
Can't you just forgive Claire for us? It's not about forgiving her.
I'm done.
BRAD: Justin, I really like girls.
But for some reason, they can't see the beautiful person that's inside of me.
I really think that a Tim Chegley love party would really bring that out.
You can still go to the party and hate your sister, can't you? Fine.
BOTH:Yes! Dude, we are gonna drown in ass! Sorry.
I had to wait until Justin left for the party.
God, I've been standing out here forever.
Come on, come on, give me a light.
Oh, yeah, that's the ticket, huh? Mm.
Better give me another one.
This baby's going fast.
Oh.
FRANNY: Raja? Are you out here? Oh, crap! She'll kill me if she finds out about this.
Quick, give me your cigarette.
This is starting to get dangerous.
Perhaps we should go inside.
No, no.
no, no, we've got a few minutes.
Gary went to go get milk.
Cheese and crepes-- do you smell smoke? No, I do not believe so.
It is! One of our cigarette butts must have caught on something! You know the saying, "Where there's smoke, there's fire"? (Raja, Franny gasp) Well, they weren't kidding.
Okay.
I got it.
Look at me; my hands are shaking.
I think it's safe to say I've waited my whole life for this moment.
team?? they were?? good?? and ????? I think I'm crying.
Looks like we're okay.
I think it's mostly Christmas stuff and smoke detectors.
The kids' old artwork, our family pictures.
Oh.
It's all ruined.
I am so sorry.
This is all my fault.
No, Raja.
We all played a part in this.
Yes, but I am the one who brought this filthy, Satanic habit into your home.
If it were not for me, you would still have your cherished family mementos.
He's got a point there.
No, this is good.
We needed to sink this low.
Nothing else would have done it.
This is the wake-up call we needed to quit these damn cigarettes once and for all.
Tonight, we are all going on the patch.
Agreed.
GARY: You know what? I'm gonna go to the store right now and buy them! Perhaps we should stick together for the next three days.
Good idea.
I was totally going to smoke.
It wasn't easy.
I mean, quitting smoking can be very stressful.
You got a problem with me?! You got a problem with me, just say it! I have got a problem with you! Both of you stop screaming! Oh, how hard can it really be, huh? RAJA: Easy.
If we do this together.
Hey, Claire.
Hey.
Listen, I've noticed how upset you've been about us over the last few days, and I got to be honest, I'm hurting, too.
Okay.
I don't want to make a big thing about this, but I need you in my life.
There's nobody else like you.
Your body, your face, your hair, et cetera.
Jeffrey, I don't want to get back together.
(chuckles) Okay, okay.
What about just for tonight? I mean, it's Veterans Day.
No.
Sorry, Jeffrey.
But it's Veterans Day! You came.
That's great.
I'm sorry, did someone say something? What? There it was again.
Where is that noise coming from? All right, you little bitch.
I've tried, but I'm through.
And I don't need you.
So lock your window.
I'm not coming into your bedroom anymore.
You want it to be over between us? Then it's over! Over! How you doing? Fantastic.
I'm getting so much ass, it's sick.
Me, too.
I've found, like, four soul mates tonight.
It's not easy having fun at a party after you've had a fight with a girl.
Even if that girl is your sister.
Of course, that didn't stop them from hitting me up for the keg.
And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse TIM: That's the guy.
That's the guy who tagged your locker! Hey, Tolchuck! No one calls me an "ass-ho" and gets away with it.
What? No, no, no.
Leave him alone, Jeffrey! Stay out of this, Claire.
Me and your brother got business.
Would you just listen to me? Tim is wrong.
Justin's not the one who tagged your locker.
I couldn't believe it.
For the first time ever, Claire was about to take the fall for something I did.
He did it.
Or maybe not.
Him? He's had a crush on me all year and didn't like the way you treated me.
Hey, ass-ho! Nobody tags my locker! And nobody steals my dad's Bobby Darin CDs! So maybe Claire didn't do anything that noble, but it was good enough for me.
We good? (chuckles) Yeah.
BOY: Kiss her! Look, uh, I think people are starting to talk about our little fight.
Should I just go or something? No.
If they want to talk, let's give them something to talk about.
I don't know.
Maybe they are dating.
I guess Claire's made it okay for me to say this.
I hooked up with my cousin at a wedding last weekend, and I'm going to see him again.
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