All In The Family s01e07 Episode Script

[ Announcer .]
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days paleolithic: Relating to the second period of the stone age.
Right.
Next question.
"Neolithic.
" The final period of the stone age.
Right again.
Michael, you're gonna pass this test so easy.
Okay, what's "mesoic" ? No, no, no.
That's mesozoic.
Mes-a-what ? Look, say-- say it with me.
[ Together .]
Mesozoic.
[ Laughs .]
That's fun.
Let's do that again.
Say it with me.
[ Gloria .]
All right.
Mesozoic.
Mesozoic.
Let's try something a little tougher, huh ? Engelbert humperdinck.
You know what youse look like ? A couple of guppies.
Hey, I got one.
[ Together .]
Archie bunker.
I got another one.
Mmm.
The mamas and the papas.
One more.
Spiro agnew.
Now don't do that on that name.
Come on, daddy.
We're just having a little fun.
"Fun" ? Youse are always peckin' and grabbin' at each other.
Sometimes I think youse are gonna do yourselves serious injury.
Now, where the hell is this stuff ? You lookin' for something, Archie ? No, Edith, I'm-- I'm takin' a walk down memory Lane.
How do you expect me to find anything in here, with all this stuff and all the boxes here ? And what do you call this, Edith, huh ? That was a Christmas present.
What fathead would spend any money on a thing like that ? From your mother.
Seven years ago.
It came with five pounds of choc-- [ Echoing .]
Chocolate chip cookies.
[ Echoing .]
[ Laughing .]
Put it down, will ya.
Where did you lose the tube of instant glue that I bought last month ? I put it in that box.
Let me look for it.
I been all through that box, Edith.
Well, I know it's here somewhere.
What do you need the instant glue for, Archie ? You can't find it, huh, Edith ? I didn't say that.
Well, show me where it is, huh ? Can't you use a nail ? Edith, if you can't find the thing, why don't you simply say so ? I can't find it.
What do you mean you can't find it ? You sure you can't use a nail ? How am I gonna nail a toilet roll holder to that tile wall up there ? Oh, very hilarious.
I'd like to see youse two chasing that roll across the bathroom floor.
I busted my head on the bathtub.
Archie, that holder's been off for days.
Well, why didn't you fix it, meathead, huh, instead of layin' around here all of the time, tryin' to swallow your wife ? All right.
I'll pick up some tile cement and fix it tomorrow, okay ? Whoa, listen to the boy, Edith.
He's actually threatenin' to do somethin' around here.
Daddy, stop it.
Michael does more odd jobs around the house than you do.
She's right, Archie.
He did fix the light in the kitchen.
The polack changed a lightbulb.
Don't make out he rewired the joint.
Archie, for your information, I did more than change a lightbulb.
And for your further edification, calling me a polack is not gonna bother me.
I happen to be proud of my Polish heritage.
What heritage ? You come from a long line of bowling teams.
Yeah ? And you come from a long line of boneheads.
What ? You think with your mind closed.
And you eat with your mouth open.
You know, you are totally incomprehensible.
Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
I'll-- what's the matter ? Uh, uh, wait, wait.
I forgot to tell him.
Michael ! Tell me what ? - He didn't give me a chance.
- Tell me what ? You were too busy callin' him names.
Shut up and tell me what he didn't tell me.
[ Both speaking .]
Hold it.
One at a time.
Hold it ! [ Both speaking .]
One dingaling at a time.
[ Both speaking .]
Shut up, and let me answer the door.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
Who and what is this, and why is it here ? Paul, come on in.
How ya doin' ? Hi, Paul ! It's good to see you.
[ Paul .]
Nice to see you.
Archie, you remember Paul goodrow.
Paul goodrow ? He was my best man at the wedding.
You were there.
I remember him, but who's this ? [ Mike .]
It's him.
This is that nice boy with the combed hair and a pressed suit ? Paul goodrow ? Hi, Mr.
bunker, how-- stay over there.
Sit down and make yourself comfortable.
So this is what they didn't tell me, huh ? That this individual was comin' over to the house At 10 P.
M.
o'clock in the middle of the night.
Yeah, well, we also wanted to tell you that we invited Paul to stay over tonight.
Oh, stay over.
Jeez, you hear that, Edith ? I send in the mortgage payments.
They send out the invitations.
But, Archie, any friend of the kids is a friend of ours.
Right ? Not necessarily.
Oh, Archie.
Paul, you're welcome here anytime.
Just like it says on our doormat.
- Our doormat says "the bunkers," Edith.
- Oh, no, Archie.
- Our doormat says "welcome.
" - No, Edith, our doormat says "the bunkers.
" -But I'm sure it says "welcome.
" -Well, we'll settle it right now, Edith.
I'll go out and get the doormat, and I'll show youse all it don't say "welcome" ! I'm sure it does.
Edith ! Why does our doormat say "the mcnabs" ? Oh, that's right, I forgot.
Ellen mcnab's police dog chewed our mat up last month, and I couldn't very well ask her to pay for it.
I mean, what with the dog getting so sick.
So I let her lend us theirs until we got a new one.
We can't have this outside our house, Edith.
We ain't the mcnabs.
Well, the Petersons' doormat says "welcome," but I couldn't very well borrow theirs.
After all, it wasn't their dog that chewed up our mat.
What has the Petersons' dog got to do with anything ? The Petersons don't have a dog.
Petersons, bunkers or mcnabs, this mat don't say "welcome" on it.
Listen, I'll just drop it outside for you, and then I'll bring my things in.
He's gonna bring his things in ? Why did you say that weirdo could stay overnight ? Daddy, Paul is not a weirdo, and besides, you used to like him.
Yes, I liked him when he was a nice, clean engineerin' student.
He used to dream about building Bridges and banks.
Now he looks like someone who wants to blow 'em up ! There you go again, labeling people.
Why can't you forget what Paul looks like and accept him for what he is ? All right.
What is he ? He's a nice boy, and he only wants to stay for one night.
He's leaving for Europe in the morning.
You give some of them weirdos one night, they take a month.
[ Paul .]
That didn't take too long, did it ? Robin, I didn't know you were along.
Robin, how are ya ? [ Mike .]
Good to see you.
[ Mike .]
How ya doin' ? Mr.
and Mrs.
bunker, this is Robin.
A million dogs and cats decoratin' the streets of this neighborhood, and she comes barefooted.
- Who is this ? - This is Robin, my old lady.
She's his old lady, Edith.
This young girl is your mother ? Edith, think a minute, huh ? - Ask them if they're married.
- No, we're not legally married, if that's what you mean, Mr.
bunker.
Tell them that's exactly what Mr.
bunker means.
Robin and Paul, sit down and make yourself comfortable, all right ? Daddy, they're not going anywhere.
Yes, they are.
They're going to a motel-- him and her and all their elegant luggage here.
- They can't afford a motel.
- They're going to Europe, ain't they ? [ Mike .]
So what ? They can afford that.
It's a charter flight, Mr.
bunker.
We've saved our money for months.
-We've got every penny budgeted.
-Tell him that I'd hate to unbalance his budget, but he ain't stayin' here with her together-- not without a marriage license.
It's immoral, tell him.
And you decide what's moral, huh ? No, wise guy, that does.
The television set ? No ! The Bible ! Edith, why do you leave the Bible on the television set ? Because it keeps falling off the refrigerator.
So, that's it.
Daddy, wait.
You can't do this to them.
So they're not married in the conventional sense.
They happen to love each other.
That's right, and it's love that counts, isn't it ? That love business may be okay in some places, but not here ! This is a Christian home.
Get out.
Fine.
When Jeff comes in, make sure to have him call me at Mike and Gloria's place.
Okay.
Uh, you've got the number now.
Okay.
Thank you.
Peace.
Babe, that was Jeff's kid brother on the phone.
Jeff's still out, but as soon as he gets back, he's gonna call us and put us up for sure.
Why don't they just get married and save all this bother ? Like you two.
You're married.
I know, ma, but they don't believe in it.
Oh, how can daddy send them away like this ? I'm so embarrassed.
He's just against people openly expressing love for each other.
No, no, it ain't that.
He just don't like 'em expressing it in a sleeping bag In the middle of his living room.
Paul, Robin, your food's all ready.
Just the way you like it.
Raw broccoli, spinach and asparagus stalks, with soy sauce.
Are you sure this is all gonna mix up all right in your insides ? Something stinks in this house ! What is that over there ? Robin's burning incense.
I think it's nice.
It smells like a house of "ill refute.
" - Put it out.
- I thought you were going to bed, daddy.
Not till I get this thing settled.
Did he get his telephone call ? Yeah, he made the call.
Jeff wasn't in, but Paul left a message.
Good.
I hope he gets the message soon.
Edith, hurry up with my cocoa, huh ? I wanna get to sleep.
I gotta go to work in the mornin'.
Archie, you could be in bed right now if you weren't so narrow-minded about this.
I ain't narrow-minded.
I just refuse to have any uncertified goings-on under this roof.
No, no.
No, no.
You just got a hang-up about sex.
I ain't got no hang-up about that.
No hang-ups ? You can't even say the word "sex.
" There's women around here, you palooka.
I don't use four-letter words around women.
Admit it, daddy.
Your whole generation's afraid of sex.
Oh, listen, little girl.
If I was afraid of it, you wouldn't be here.
Right, Edith ? Right, Edith ? I'm trying to remember.
What do you have to remember ? She's here, ain't she ? The point I'm tryin' to make is that my generation Had a little respect for its "womenhood.
" Do you think I would've spent a night with your mother before we had a wedding license ? I wouldn't let him.
Will you stifle yourself.
You're sayin', then, that with a marriage license-- a slip of paper from a total stranger-- you'd let our friends stay here ? Bull's-eye.
I don't get it, daddy.
What is so important about a piece of paper ? "What is so important about a piece of paper ?" That piece of paper makes the whole thing legal-- the whole setup, that's all.
With that paper, you can go up to any desk clerk in any hotel in the country, look him straight in the eye and say, "gimme a double room.
" Yeah, but is the license the thing that keeps people together, or is it what they feel for each other ? Without the license, you ain't supposed to feel nothin'.
Archie, I don't think it could be the license that keeps us together.
We never see it.
The last time I saw it, it was up in the attic with Gloria's layette.
It's in the same trunk with my autographed picture of kay kyser.
I wanna ask you something, Archie.
Say mom and you didn't have a license.
I mean, supposin' mom couldn't find it.
Would that mean that Paul and Robin are as married as you ? No, wise guy, because your mother-in-law and me, we took our sacred vows.
I'm glad you mentioned that, Mr.
bunker, because, you see, we took our vows too.
Tell him if he didn't take 'em in church, then God didn't hear 'em.
He ain't married in the ears of God.
But wouldn't Mr.
bunker agree That God is everywhere ? Tell him he certainly is.
Then he was there when we took our vows.
But he wasn't listenin'.
Not without the license ! Wow.
Oh, wow, wow, wow.
See, these guys are all the same.
They take one fall in an argument and they throw in the towel.
Well, in the words of Harry s.
Truman, "if it's too hot in the kitchen, stay away from the cook.
" Archie, instead of putting 'em down all the time, why don't you sit with Paul and Robin, talk to them, find out about them.
Maybe you wouldn't be so uptight.
Why don't you, daddy ? Edith, what are they eatin' here ? Raw vegetables.
It looks like the bottom of a hamster's cage.
Come on, Archie.
Sit down here and talk with 'em, huh ? All right, all right.
I'll sit down.
I'll have a chat with 'em.
Let me ask you somethin' there, Paul.
Exactly why did you become a freak ? - [ Mike .]
Oh, Archie ! - I'll tell you, Mr.
bunker.
I just didn't like the idea of being one Of thousands of young engineers All doing the same thing, leading the same life, seeking the same goals day after day after day.
To me, they're the freaks because they aren't happy.
Let me tell you something, young fella.
When you grow up, you'll realize there's more to life than bein' happy.
Right, Edith ? Believe me.
Now, did you hear that, little girl ? Did you hear the point we're just makin' right here ? What's the matter, sis ? Can't you talk ? No, Robin doesn't talk much.
Well, what does Robin do, chirp ? How does she communicate to people ? You see, Robin thinks words are a waste of time, so she speaks with her eyes.
Oh.
Well, open up wide and let's hear the gettysburg address.
- Archie, will you cut it out ! - Tell them to cut it out ! I'm sittin' here tryin' for a little give-and-take with your friends, but I ain't never yet learned how to converse with a pair of eyeballs.
Daddy, we don't make fun of your friends, and believe me, they look just as ridiculous to us.
That's right.
You oughta look at 'em for once in your life.
Take a look at some of those paunchy, cigar-chewin', beer-swillin'-- - hold it, meathead, hold it ! - Oh, oh ! Anyone's a meathead doesn't agree with you, huh ? Yeah, anyone who shows a little independence.
Gloria, let me finish.
All right, but don't yell at me.
I wasn't yelling at you.
I was yelling at him.
You happened to be in the line of my yell.
Well, you are yelling-- shh, shh ! What's the matter with youse, yellin' that way ? You think the neighbors is interested in listenin' to youse two-- ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ! Edith ! Edith ! - Ooh, Edith, the shoe ! - No ! Don't anybody touch him ! What is it ? His toe is gone.
It's a toe spasm.
He often gets them in the middle of the night in bed when the sheet's too tight.
And sometimes, ooh, they come three a night, and once they start, they come regular-- Get the shoe off, will ya ! Ooh ! Leave it alone, Edith.
Let me walk on it, huh ? Get away from me, you.
Ooh ! Oh, look, Archie.
Your sock is too tight.
That's what caused it.
You better change to a size 10.
You gained a lot of weight.
How do you gain weight in your toes, Edith ? It's exhaustion that brought this on.
I'm up too late.
I gotta go to work in the morning, I gotta sleep.
I can't wait for that phone call ! Get rid of these people ! Archie, why don't you just go to sleep ? We'll wait up.
We'll see that they leave with Jeff.
I think it's over, Edith.
Good.
All right.
It's feelin' better now.
Sit down and put your shoe on.
Yeah, gimme the shoe.
Now, you stay away from me ! I never touched you.
Wait.
I got an idea.
I don't know why we didn't think of this before.
Daddy, what if we all slept dormitory-style ? Huh ? [ Mike .]
That's it.
That's perfect.
The girls upstairs and the guys downstairs.
Yeah, that would be nice.
Yeah, let 'em do it, Archie.
Listen, you better get to bed.
Your toe's got ten minutes to another spasm.
Come on.
What do you say ? If I say yes, you two kids promise me Everything's gonna be kosher ? [ Gloria .]
Promise, promise.
All right, dormitory-style.
Boys downstairs here, and the girls can go upstairs there, and everything-- what are you shakin' your head about ? She's s-saying it would be hypocritical-- that for two people in love, such an arrangement would be immoral and unnatural.
You just said all that to him ? Do you realize what time it is, huh ? Do you realize it's 12:30 A.
M.
in the mornin', little miss head shaker ? Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I got a ten-dollar bill here, and here it is.
Now, youse are both gonna go to a motel, and when you get there, I don't care what youse do.
Youse can swing from the chandeliers, for all I care.
I'm gonna get my sleep-- what are you shakin' your head for now ? She's saying it's not right for you to try to bribe us.
It ain't right to bribe them.
Do you hear that ? I can't believe it.
I can't believe it ! I can't believe it ! Have some cocoa.
It'll help relax your toe.
Paul, uh, under the circumstances-- I mean, what if Jeff never shows up ? Then we'll just stay here like you offered.
But look at the old man.
Look at his condition.
He offered you the money.
Michael's right.
You see that, Robin, don't you ? Look, Robin, I know it's not like what we planned, but-- would you stop with the head shaking and talk to me ? You see, Robin feels That it would be self-defeating for us to leave now.
That's bull.
You wanna know something else ? This no-talking routine is bull too ! You don't understand, man.
See, Robin says-- we don't care what Robin says.
Robin, shut up.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
Oh, that's Jeff.
It's about time.
Come on in.
Is this the bunkers' ? Your doormat says "mcnab.
" It's the bunkers'.
Hey ! When I got your message, I just came right over.
I didn't even bother to call.
That's okay.
I'll get my stuff.
Jeff Walker, that's Mike and Gloria, and that's Mr.
and Mrs.
bunker.
How are you ? Hello.
Mike, Gloria.
[ Edith .]
How do you do ? Hey.
Aw, this is beautiful.
Hey, what's happening, man ? I'm havin' a stroke.
Far out.
I can dig it.
I can really dig that.
You must be really spaced out, man.
Stop talkin'.
You gonna take them two with ya ? Oh, yeah, no sweat.
You can start talkin' again.
That's really heavy-- [ Paul .]
Hey, Jeff, let's split.
Okay, groovy.
Uh, uh, Jeff.
Meet my old lady, Robin.
[ Chuckles .]
Your old lady ? Oh, wow.
Hey, man, you didn't tell me that you had your old lady with you.
Now, I know this is gonna be a bummer, but I'm gonna have to cop out on you.
What's that ? What do you mean ? What does "cop out" mean ? Can't do it.
See, it's not me.
It's my dad.
He's got this hang-up about people having to be married before they can crash together.
What's "crash together" ? Sleep together.
Don't say that ! My dad would never let you guys spend a night in his house.
Isn't that a downer ? Yeah, it's a downer.
It's an upper and a bummer and a hummer and anything else, is what.
But you're gonna take them two people the hell outta here ! Yeah, right, right.
I'm very sorry, guys.
Right, right, he's very sorry ? Where's he goin' ? Where are you goin' there, shorty ? Come back here ! Don't put them things down ! You ain't stayin' here ! Come on back here ! Hey, you're supposed to be full of love ! You're a member of the love generation ! I ain't ! I got one more thing to say to you-- ooh ! Edith, the shoe, the shoe ! The shoe, Edith ! Oh ! Archie, I warned you ! Eleven minutes.
Oh, take the shoe off ! Oh, my.
You made it to the airport and back so fast.
We just dropped them off.
We didn't even bother goin' inside.
Yeah, they have about six hours to wait, sleepin' on those hard benches.
What do you want ? It's their fault.
They could've stayed at a motel.
Hey, how come Archie isn't in bed yet ? He fell asleep while I was puttin' the food away, and I was afraid to wake him.
Hmm.
You wanna wake him ? No.
Not me.
Uh-uh.
You ? You wanna wake him ? Are you kidding ? [ Giggling .]
He's not nice when he wakes up.
No ! Hey, ma, what you got in that old envelope ? I was lookin' for our marriage license in the attic.
And, mm, remember I told you I had That autographed picture of kay kyser ? [ Mike .]
Yeah.
Well I found a bonus with it.
Look here.
Now, look.
Standin' there, next to Mr.
kyser, that's the shoulder of Ginny Simms.
It's getting so late, we're all getting silly.
[ Laughing .]
Let's go to sleep, huh ? Yeah.
Oh, wait a minute.
But what about Archie ? We can't leave him there sleepin' all night.
Well, he's your husband, ma.
Yeah.
Good luck.
- Oh, help me, somebody.
- Wait, wait.
We can't leave mom alone like this.
We're a family.
We've got to stick together, by gum.
Let's all wake him up.
Hey, I got an idea, okay ? What ? Down by the old not the new but the old [ all .]
mill stream not the river but the stream where I first not second but first met you you were 16 [ Edith warbling .]
you were 16 my village queen my village queen down by the old must've died and gone to the wrong place.
Because youse all sure sound like hell.
Mill stream ah ! [ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.