Ally Mcbeal s01e07 Episode Script
The Attitude
I think we just have the closing, and then it's a lock.
- There he is again.
- He's here all the time.
He's a D.
A.
It brings me back to "Why can't you introduce me?" But you want me to introduce you so he doesn't know I'm introducing you.
I could go to one of your office parties.
Office parties? We don't have office parties.
Don't move.
Don't turn around.
He's coming.
- Here? - Block the door a little.
- How? - Quick! That'll do.
- Are you okay? - Um, yeah.
I'm fine.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Just caught me in the eyes.
Shoulder.
- Hey, Renee.
- Hi, Jason.
This is Ally McBeal.
Jason Roberts.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I actually know who you are.
- You do? It's a good thing.
I saw you in court last week and I asked.
- Ally and I are roommates.
- Really? Girlfriends.
Unmarried.
Aren't we all? Hard to meet people in this town.
Tell me about it.
This is suddenly my floor.
So, girlfriend, I'll see you later.
Unless you make plans or something.
- Going all the way to the bottom? - The bottom.
That's where I'm going.
[JEOPARD Y! THEME SONG PLAYS.]
Ally.
Yeah? - Feel like getting dinner sometime? - Thank God.
- Sure.
- Tonight? Tonight is That would be great.
- I'll call.
- Great.
- I'll call you this afternoon.
- Excellent.
VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road The Attitude Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can 't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah It's a big, big mistake.
If you go change, he'll know he has the edge and he'll diddle with you.
- But this doesn't really flatter me.
- He asked you out wearing that.
Do you get pitted by the end of the day? - Not to my knowledge.
Do I, Elaine? - Ally.
- I've asked you not to do that.
- I pop.
That's who I am.
- Do you want something? - New case.
Small, but possible business.
Karen Horwitz.
Nice lady.
Suing her rabbi.
I said you could handle it.
- For what? - I don't get involved in the legals.
She'll be here around 10.
Thanks.
Oh! That's all I have.
What's going on? Georgia this is a difficult situation.
- You know my wife, Robbie? - Sure.
She doesn't like my working side by side with you.
- I'm sorry? - She's an insecure woman.
There's nothing to justify her insecurity.
It's nevertheless real.
What's the punch line here? I have nine litigation associates, but only one wife.
Part of marriage is accommodating your partner's feelings.
- I'm transferring you to Corporate.
- Corporate? - Lf you'd prefer Tax or Real Estate - I'm a litigator.
- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry? Your wife has an irrational jealousy, I get punished for it and all you can say is you're sorry? I don't mean to be rude, Ms.
Horwitz, but I just really don't understand.
What's not to understand? My ex-husband's in a coma.
I understand that.
Why do you want to sue your rabbi? I'm scheduled to be remarried in three weeks.
I've never been so happy.
Mistletoe.
You meant to say "Mazel tov.
" Thank you.
Though I'm legally divorced from Ira, by Jewish law I'm still married since he got hit by the bus before he could give me the get.
Without this sort of a Jewish release, I cannot remarry under Jewish law.
Did you follow? I'm happy to repeat myself.
What if you refused? I didn't have a chance.
He just said I'm transferred, and "I'm sorry.
" - I'm sorry.
- That's all right.
Ow.
- Georgia, that hurts.
- It hurts me to think about it.
Do you think I have a case? You're the expert on sex discrimination.
I haven't been fired or docked.
Just transferred.
He's never harassed me.
It was never a bad place to work.
Still, he transferred you based on Let's talk to the Biscuit.
- What? - John Cage, in wrongful termination.
- I wasn't fired.
- The same laws could apply.
I can't believe this.
How can this be? This is just incredible.
Well, I know it's wrong completely, but a few weeks ago you wanted Ally transferred out of Litigation here.
That's different.
ALLY: Just pop it.
I don't want to pop it.
You don't want enlarged pores on a first date.
There.
I've diminished it.
What do you mean? It's not as big.
It's less than, smaller not as much.
You know, how Richard would put it.
It's now a pimple diminimus.
You look fab.
- How did it go? - I'm not sure we have cause of action.
The rabbi agreed to a meeting.
I'm on my way to see him.
Good.
What are you up to? Ally has a date tonight.
I'm minimizing her facial flaws.
Great.
I do good work.
We could make a case, but the damages would be speculative.
I don't really want to sue.
Then what? I like this job.
A meeting with this Burrows guy might be best.
Nobody's gonna force his hand.
I know Jerry.
I'm thinking the sword-in-the-stone approach.
You're the best at that.
Can I set up a meeting? You may.
But first, you meet with him again.
Your goal is to work it out.
I do not want him braced for hostility.
Then, I'll do my meeting.
Can't you forget about the rule just this once? Can I "forget about it just this once"? I don't mean to offend your religion, but can't you make an exception? We don't do that.
We don't modify our faith to make it more popular.
You don't need to be condescending.
Forgive me, I'm not used to people asking me to adjust Judaism.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean Look! Suppose we could show that Ira planned to grant the get, which he did.
But he got hit before he could do it.
- I'm afraid that doesn't help.
- Why? These people want to get married and they can't.
It's a silly rule.
You come here and say it's a silly rule? Well Yes.
It's not fair.
If two people can't marry because of this silly rule, it's silly.
I don't care if you have some Jewish hoopla to back it up.
Hoopla? Suppose your wife had had a former husband who was a vegetable.
- You wouldn't be married.
- I'm not married.
- And you wonder why.
- What! - Are you always such a bitchy thing? - "Bitchy"? - Insulting the Talmud, insulting me! - A rabbi calls somebody bitchy? - I'm going to ask you to leave.
- God has no love for the bitchy? - Get out.
- I'll tell you that thingy on your head doesn't give you the right to be vicious.
- Vicious? - Yes, vicious.
You are a vicious rabbi, and I'm going to write a letter! -You insulted a rabbi? - Am I a bigot? This seems so unfair.
Sometimes you overreact when it comes to matters of the heart.
- Thank you.
- Karen Horwitz is on her way.
Oh, great.
How am I gonna? - I'm blotchy.
You blotched me.
- I did not.
- It's red here.
Look! - I didn't do that.
My face just happens to get red in the same spot.
Does that look not-as-much reduced? - Calm down.
- I look like Gorbachev.
I have a first date tonight and I look like a dead president from Russia.
- Did you go sicko on a rabbi? - Did I "go sicko"? - He said you were all anti-Semitic.
- That little liar.
I criticized one tiny, little Jewish law and a big one for Karen Horwitz.
I'm sorry.
And maybe I was out of line.
I'm so embarrassed.
I can tell.
Part of your face is turning red.
That wasn't helpful.
Is Gorbachev dead? Georgia, put yourself in my shoes.
This affects my kids.
- Lf my marriage is strained - I'm not saying I don't sympathize.
But maybe you and your wife should get counseling.
Not transfer me.
This is not my problem.
Look, I'm not gonna argue the merits of it.
I know you win on that score.
If working with a beautiful woman jeopardizes my family my family comes first.
- I've gotten a lawyer.
I could have said you were transferred to help the corporate department.
I could have said the partners wanted to thin out Litigation.
You think I wanted to tell the truth here? - But I've always been honest with you.
- And I admire your honesty.
It's wrong for me to be punished for your wife's problem.
- So you're suing me? - I hope not.
I'd like you to meet with my lawyer.
Fine.
Fine.
It's already less red.
It's just that the rest of my face is more red because I'm so upset.
Bad news good news and potentially horrible news, whichever order you'd like.
- Let's go in that order.
- That would be my choice.
Karen Horwitz has returned Iooking a bit like my dog when he had rabies.
The good news is, this Jason Roberts really is interested.
The horrendous news is that he's here to confirm tonight's date.
He's here? With my face like this? I'd tell him it's a Rorschach test for love.
That was good.
Tell Karen that I'll be a minute.
- Tell Jason that I'm in a meeting.
- You can't snub him.
Poke your head out.
Say you're tied up.
- He'll see my face.
- Do it quick! Jason, hey.
I'm in a meeting and can't get out of it.
I'm looking forward to tonight.
Great.
I was thinking I might pick you up here.
Say, 7:30? Fabulous! I can't wait.
Okay, um - 7:30, then.
- 7:30.
Bye.
You ruined me.
Karen, come on in.
Elaine, Renee, I'll catch you later.
- Would you like me to stay? - Just this one time? No.
One of the reasons I came to you is, I regard Jewish customs seriously.
I tried to gently persuade him.
- I was asked to leave the synagogue.
- Excuse me? He said it was one thing to get a lawyer, another to send a man-hater and still yet another to hire a Jew-hater and to wrap all three up in a waify package.
- He called me "waify"? - Great.
Make it about you.
- I'm the one that's been expelled! - Karen, I will talk to this rabbi.
You'll get back into that synagogue.
I'll make sure that you get married.
And this is a promise from me to you.
Don't worry about the get anymore.
Ira died last night.
- So I'm free to marry again.
- Oh! - He died! - In his sleep.
Oh, well "Mistletoe.
" Yes, dear.
Thank you.
I'd like to be married in my temple, and I can't do that expelled! I'll apologize to Rabbi Stern.
I'll make this all go away.
I promise.
- Could I offer you something to drink? - No, thank you.
I had a small Sprite in your lobby.
It refreshed me.
Good.
Look, I know how delicate this situation is.
I'm prepared to see that her partnership track is not interrupted.
Her future here is solid.
She's a great lawyer.
Everybody knows it.
I find myself deeply troubled.
I tried to tell Georgia It would be unfair for me to negotiate while troubled.
I'm less receptive to compromise.
I'll call to reschedule.
- And he just walked out? - According to Jerry.
- Is this guy all there? - The Biscuit? He's there.
He just works differently.
John, how did it go? - This won't be easy.
- I tried to tell you that.
I want you to think hard as to what you really want.
- I want my old job back in Litigation.
- Don't rush with your answers.
He works differently.
Now I have to persuade him to take her back into the synagogue.
That's the thing about me.
I make my clients forget about their troubles by giving them bigger ones.
ALLY: Don 't try to be funny.
She'll soon be remarried and everything will be fine.
This guy has "future" written all over him.
Did you become a D.
A.
Right out of law school? Almost.
Worked at the Justice Department, then I switched.
I wanted trial experience.
What? Oh.
- I was thinking about something else.
- Something else? About the law? This 10-B5 stock fraud.
You know how thrilling those cases can be.
Yeah.
I get tingles.
I still haven't figured out a way to prosecute them.
The object in those cases is probably to try to keep the jury awake.
The worst thing about being a D.
A.
Is the sense of futility, I suppose.
Oh yeah.
Get that gunk off your face.
Thank God.
Um You have a little Oh.
Thanks.
I'm not really in favor of the three-strikes law.
But it is frustrating.
You know? It's all one big giant conspiracy.
So you're not gonna date him? I have a thing about first impressions.
I will forever see him as "salad-dressing face.
" Ally It's not a criticism of him.
It's me.
I need therapy.
I know it.
Salad dressing? I might have been able to get past the first drip, but the second was a gob.
A big gob of gooey, creamy Italian.
It will forever be etched on his face.
You have such a talent for ruling guys out.
You blew off a guy for neck hair.
I wouldn't have if I could have wiped it off with a napkin.
You missed a giant opportunity.
- I did? - Yes.
You could have blotted his chin.
A little touch.
Physical affection, and it's maternal.
Guys love that.
Whenever I'm attracted to a guy, I pray he's got a crumb on his face.
I would love to talk more, but I'm late for Temple.
Alone.
Forever.
You.
Alone.
I know my answer may have seemed rushed.
But I really do want to stay where I am, doing what I'm doing.
I'd like everything to stay the same.
- That's the one unavailable option.
- Why? We could perhaps get her job back, but it won't be the same.
From Burrows' perspective and yours.
You'd have no security.
That is the reality.
The reality of suing him is even worse.
How so? - How so? - I'm collecting an errant thought.
Should you prevail in a lawsuit, you'd get money.
As far as future employment nobody will hire a pretty young woman fresh on the heels of a sex-discrimination suit.
Like it or not, you would be unhirable.
That's not a real word.
I use it to give you an idea as to how severely it applies.
What do you suggest I do? Go to Corporate.
Update your resume.
What? That sucks! That's not the word I'd use, but it is real.
I'm not going to Corporate.
- Pragmatically - I hate that word! May I take your hand? As a woman, I'd say sue.
But I'm not a woman.
That's not where I was going.
I got boxed in by my poor choice of syntax.
You can make a point for womankind or you can do what's best for you.
I want to sue.
If it means not working there, fine.
I won't sit back and take this.
Splendid.
I'm a calm person.
But when you call me "Jew-hater," "man-hater" and - Lawyer.
In a pejorative way, it's not in me to let that go.
It's only because of Karen that I've come here conciliatory.
- This is you "conciliatory"? - Well You said very bad things about me.
Very bad.
You said bad things about Judaism.
You called it "hoopla.
" I did not call it "hoo" Oh.
I just meant that a person shouldn't be denied marriage because of a custom that came about before the wheel.
If you'd put it that way, I wouldn't have taken offense.
I'm sorry.
I do these things.
If you could fill this room with everybody I've offended people would think you're a much better rabbi than you are.
Here's the deal: When people are together or about to marry and something happens to keep them apart, it pushes a button.
If I came on aggressive, I apologize.
I just hope you don't punish Karen.
She's very devoted to you and this synagogue.
She is.
I understand.
I do.
You were here as her agent, acting within the scope of that agency.
Your actions run to her accountability.
- Where do you get these jingles? - I hit the bitchy button.
- Two people want to get married! - You are a rude, rude woman! Is common sense pinched off by that thing on your head? Did you say, "Is common sense pinched off by that thing on my head"? That was a slip.
What? Oh.
What part of me are you laughing at? Let me just say, I'm going to assume that Karen's hiring of you says something about her.
You tell her she's welcome here.
I would be glad to do the ceremony.
Is this a trick? Is this some sort of trickery, you being nice? I hate it when I don 't know what I've done.
I demand to know why you are pleased with me! Hey, John.
How's it going? Unacceptable.
I had to get a glimpse of your pre-game regimen.
Not that I learned much.
Are you ready? I am.
He's in there, waiting.
Good luck.
Sometimes he can scream.
The room's ready.
The water's been chilled to 41 degrees.
Thank you for agreeing to meet me.
Look, Mr.
Cage litigators have various techniques for distracting opponents.
But please.
I've been around a long time.
Perhaps we can sit closer.
I sit here as if to suggest the room is full.
But it isn't.
The next meeting it will be.
These chairs will be filled with your fellow partners people whose eyes you look into for respect acceptance.
They know the situation.
But an excellent idea.
They may know the facts, but they've only heard you tell them.
My presentation may be less exonerating.
My presentation may have the added impact of, well, presentation.
One, if made in front of a jury, would incur embarrassment to your firm.
A firm that, correct me if I'm wrong, cherishes reputation flaunts it for recruitment purposes.
It would be painful to have these allegations levied against you before a jury in an open forum.
It'd be excruciating to bear them in a room filled with colleagues who consider you a friend.
Who trusted you to preserve the integrity of a franchise they've all committed themselves to, deeply.
Look at yourself through their eyes and hear the truth.
You hurt a young woman at the behest of a jealous wife.
Your partnership earnings and bonuses totaled $972,000 last year.
That's quite a bit of money.
But it's only money.
And for a man who prioritizes family money really is only money.
It becomes a smaller sacrifice to give some of it to Georgia in exchange for your right to spare embarrassment to your family to spare ridicule to a firm devoted to its highbrow pedigree of principle.
You want to dismiss this meeting as a litigator's technique, do so at enormous personal and professional peril.
Fortunately you have a very easy out here.
Money.
Rabbi.
Hi.
The wedding is on.
In my synagogue.
I'll be doing the service.
- That's great.
- Can I steal a second? Sure.
Snappish.
Listen, I apologize for laughing back at the temple.
But I have to say what I hate about being a rabbi is how everyone tiptoes around me.
Old friends became embarrassed to say a dirty word in front of me.
I found it refreshing how you were so willing to be obnoxious.
Thank you.
Anytime.
Listen, would you like to come to the wedding as my date? Oh, God, no.
What would God think, you showing up with a Methodist? Three weeks is a long time.
I might be in a relationship.
God willing.
My God.
I'm sorry.
Here I go.
I've been having a weird stretch.
I gave mouth-to-mouth to a person who thought it was a "Snow White" thing in reverse.
Then I met somebody I could like, and he had creamy Italian.
And now I assault Judaism and I get hit on by a rabbi.
I just probably shouldn't date until the world begins to make sense again.
You could have just said, "No, thank you.
" You're right.
Ask me again.
I don't have my mental health.
I don't have my mental health.
I don't have my mental health.
I don't have my This will probably teach me to lock the door.
Don't get up.
I would, but I'm lacking the words, Georgia.
I'm also lacking any feeling in my feet.
This happens, sometimes, when I'm embarrassed.
- Is there any way I can help? - No.
I'll be getting up now.
- I apologize.
- Okay.
- It was good to see you.
- You too.
You might think there's an explanation, but you would be wrong.
- That thing is giving me a headache.
- Relax, Georgia.
- Billy.
- Georgia.
Billy.
Don't tell me to relax.
I know Jerry.
When you tell him he can't win, he digs in.
Which is why we're all ready for this meeting.
- Are we ready? - Yes, we are.
I'm tired of your excuses.
You got all these excuses.
I don't have any excuses.
It's just Too fat, too Jewish, too much chin dressing.
It's your nature to go cold on guys.
You need a new attitude.
Would you go out with a rabbi? - I might.
- I seriously doubt it.
Don't usher me.
Oh.
Oh! Later.
Ally.
Jason, hey, how are you? Great.
You're looking good this morning.
So are you.
- I had a good time the other night.
- Me too.
Do you want to try it again? Um Whatever.
We don't need to make plans today.
Okay.
Don't ask me to explain that.
It's just Actually, I am going to explain it.
I'm interested but the image of that salad dressing is with me.
So I needed to do something to preempt it.
I have wiped the slate and your face clean.
Call me.
Nice kiss, by the way.
You just did that? It was so out of my character.
I think that's why I enjoyed it.
- I can't wait to embellish that story.
- What's going on in there? The big meeting.
I thought about your presentation.
I don't doubt the efficacy of your delivery.
But I sense a waning public appetite with sex-discrimination laws.
- Do you? - Yeah.
These safeguards insult women, make them look weak.
I sense a waning appetite with people who sue who haven't been hurt.
I haven't been hurt? In Corporate, I proofread leverage buyout contracts You weren't fired or demoted.
All this because your wife thought I was too pretty! - You'll argue that in court? - No.
I plan to champion it.
A jury won't hate a man that puts his family before his job.
- You put your family before her job! - Yes, I did.
There are no compensatory damages.
She's not out of pocket.
You have possible punitives.
That means you have to get a jury to not like me.
I'll take that bet.
- We could plead emotional distress.
- Do that.
I'd love it.
"The beautiful blonde is distressed.
" - You think I won't get you? - Don't yell at me.
I might even kick your ass right here! Would you excuse us? - I will not excuse you! - This is my case! Please, just give us two minutes.
RICHARD: How did it go? Good, I think.
- We did our part.
- The Biscuit will bring it home.
Interesting defense strategy.
I'll incorporate that into my other case where the issue is similar.
The appeal to family, I like that.
- You're to be commended.
- Thank you.
I agree, the successful prosecution of our claim is by no means a guarantee.
As you can see, I'm dealing with very emotional clients.
They're determined to see it through, whatever the cost.
Can they afford the cost? I mean, young kids, mortgage.
That's where I help.
Billy's in the firm.
This case is on the house.
Given their outrage we can't count on practicality to ever figure into their thinking.
And as inventive as that family defense is, and again I like it we both know in the end, you'd probably lose.
You'd look bad.
Yesterday I got to do my little dance.
Today it was your turn to play peacock.
It's time to do what lawyers always do in the end.
We pick a number.
Ms.
McBeal, how delightful to see you.
Call me Ally.
And that was snide.
I'm sorry.
I'm just afraid you now have a client who likes ham.
And you want me to waive that "stupid little kosher thing.
" Actually, I've come here to ask you out.
On a date.
- What are you up to? - Nothing.
I've just been thinking.
And see it's rare that a man comes along who I could so immediately dislike.
There must be something behind that.
This is how you ask me out? They say you're not supposed to be honest with men because the truth is so detrimental to their image.
I'm just going to lay this out.
You and I, it's probably like mayonnaise on brisket.
But I've decided to make an adjustment in my social life.
- What do you mean? - I've decided to juggle.
Instead of waiting for Mr.
Right I'll be with Mr.
Not Likelys, on the theory of "Who knows?" - Juggle? - Yes.
I'd like you to be one of the balls I keep up in the air.
It's taking a lot of time.
He doesn't like to rush.
You know what? It doesn't give me great confidence.
Don't "Georgia" me! - I didn't say anything.
- You were about to.
I have put my whole career in the hands of Bagpipe Biscuit who doesn't even look at people when he talks.
$311,000.
End of business.
Payable to me? - Today.
- $300,000? And eleven.
$311,000.
I'm rich! I mean, I can Student loans.
Gone! Car payments.
Gone! - Billy.
- Gone! - I'm kidding.
- It is conditioned on you being out in two weeks.
It's all sealed, but there are leaks.
It's hard to find a new job.
- She'll work here.
- What? She'll work here, and she'll be able to interview from strength.
- Really? - Lf it's okay with Billy.
Some men don't like to work with the ball-and-chain.
- That's your call.
- I think it's great.
Do it.
You don't have to do all this for me.
You're a great lawyer.
This is good for us.
Helping people is rewarding when it's in your interest.
Look there, you just got your first Fishism! Welcome! Family! And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can 't hide - To Georgia.
Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.
ELAINE: And how about our Biscuit? - To John.
- Yes.
- Yes, to John.
- To John.
So you kiss Dip-Chin tell the rabbi you'll juggle - It's the new me.
You were right.
I have to start ruling men in.
I have Roberts on Tuesday, the rabbi on Thursday Chicago Hope in between.
I have a life.
This rabbi is conservative.
He can't intermarry.
I don't convert on the first date.
Besides, this is my point.
I'm not looking for a lifetime.
I'm looking for a fun Tuesday night.
- But you're not capable of fun.
- I am! Ally McBeal, man-eater.
I like it.
Ally? Georgia.
I haven't run this by you, my joining the firm.
I think it's great.
It's probably only temporary.
Just a few months Here's a hot flash.
I like you.
I'm glad.
- Just lock the door in the - I will.
- I have a dance with the Biscuit.
- She asked, I'm not moved by the music.
All new associates have to dance with me.
I did.
Ally, he's mine.
They're yours.
Let's go.
They say it's all in the attitude.
And mine has changed.
And I can tell, this time it's gonna last.
Maybe even a week.
Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to give
- There he is again.
- He's here all the time.
He's a D.
A.
It brings me back to "Why can't you introduce me?" But you want me to introduce you so he doesn't know I'm introducing you.
I could go to one of your office parties.
Office parties? We don't have office parties.
Don't move.
Don't turn around.
He's coming.
- Here? - Block the door a little.
- How? - Quick! That'll do.
- Are you okay? - Um, yeah.
I'm fine.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Just caught me in the eyes.
Shoulder.
- Hey, Renee.
- Hi, Jason.
This is Ally McBeal.
Jason Roberts.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I actually know who you are.
- You do? It's a good thing.
I saw you in court last week and I asked.
- Ally and I are roommates.
- Really? Girlfriends.
Unmarried.
Aren't we all? Hard to meet people in this town.
Tell me about it.
This is suddenly my floor.
So, girlfriend, I'll see you later.
Unless you make plans or something.
- Going all the way to the bottom? - The bottom.
That's where I'm going.
[JEOPARD Y! THEME SONG PLAYS.]
Ally.
Yeah? - Feel like getting dinner sometime? - Thank God.
- Sure.
- Tonight? Tonight is That would be great.
- I'll call.
- Great.
- I'll call you this afternoon.
- Excellent.
VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road The Attitude Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can 't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah It's a big, big mistake.
If you go change, he'll know he has the edge and he'll diddle with you.
- But this doesn't really flatter me.
- He asked you out wearing that.
Do you get pitted by the end of the day? - Not to my knowledge.
Do I, Elaine? - Ally.
- I've asked you not to do that.
- I pop.
That's who I am.
- Do you want something? - New case.
Small, but possible business.
Karen Horwitz.
Nice lady.
Suing her rabbi.
I said you could handle it.
- For what? - I don't get involved in the legals.
She'll be here around 10.
Thanks.
Oh! That's all I have.
What's going on? Georgia this is a difficult situation.
- You know my wife, Robbie? - Sure.
She doesn't like my working side by side with you.
- I'm sorry? - She's an insecure woman.
There's nothing to justify her insecurity.
It's nevertheless real.
What's the punch line here? I have nine litigation associates, but only one wife.
Part of marriage is accommodating your partner's feelings.
- I'm transferring you to Corporate.
- Corporate? - Lf you'd prefer Tax or Real Estate - I'm a litigator.
- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry? Your wife has an irrational jealousy, I get punished for it and all you can say is you're sorry? I don't mean to be rude, Ms.
Horwitz, but I just really don't understand.
What's not to understand? My ex-husband's in a coma.
I understand that.
Why do you want to sue your rabbi? I'm scheduled to be remarried in three weeks.
I've never been so happy.
Mistletoe.
You meant to say "Mazel tov.
" Thank you.
Though I'm legally divorced from Ira, by Jewish law I'm still married since he got hit by the bus before he could give me the get.
Without this sort of a Jewish release, I cannot remarry under Jewish law.
Did you follow? I'm happy to repeat myself.
What if you refused? I didn't have a chance.
He just said I'm transferred, and "I'm sorry.
" - I'm sorry.
- That's all right.
Ow.
- Georgia, that hurts.
- It hurts me to think about it.
Do you think I have a case? You're the expert on sex discrimination.
I haven't been fired or docked.
Just transferred.
He's never harassed me.
It was never a bad place to work.
Still, he transferred you based on Let's talk to the Biscuit.
- What? - John Cage, in wrongful termination.
- I wasn't fired.
- The same laws could apply.
I can't believe this.
How can this be? This is just incredible.
Well, I know it's wrong completely, but a few weeks ago you wanted Ally transferred out of Litigation here.
That's different.
ALLY: Just pop it.
I don't want to pop it.
You don't want enlarged pores on a first date.
There.
I've diminished it.
What do you mean? It's not as big.
It's less than, smaller not as much.
You know, how Richard would put it.
It's now a pimple diminimus.
You look fab.
- How did it go? - I'm not sure we have cause of action.
The rabbi agreed to a meeting.
I'm on my way to see him.
Good.
What are you up to? Ally has a date tonight.
I'm minimizing her facial flaws.
Great.
I do good work.
We could make a case, but the damages would be speculative.
I don't really want to sue.
Then what? I like this job.
A meeting with this Burrows guy might be best.
Nobody's gonna force his hand.
I know Jerry.
I'm thinking the sword-in-the-stone approach.
You're the best at that.
Can I set up a meeting? You may.
But first, you meet with him again.
Your goal is to work it out.
I do not want him braced for hostility.
Then, I'll do my meeting.
Can't you forget about the rule just this once? Can I "forget about it just this once"? I don't mean to offend your religion, but can't you make an exception? We don't do that.
We don't modify our faith to make it more popular.
You don't need to be condescending.
Forgive me, I'm not used to people asking me to adjust Judaism.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean Look! Suppose we could show that Ira planned to grant the get, which he did.
But he got hit before he could do it.
- I'm afraid that doesn't help.
- Why? These people want to get married and they can't.
It's a silly rule.
You come here and say it's a silly rule? Well Yes.
It's not fair.
If two people can't marry because of this silly rule, it's silly.
I don't care if you have some Jewish hoopla to back it up.
Hoopla? Suppose your wife had had a former husband who was a vegetable.
- You wouldn't be married.
- I'm not married.
- And you wonder why.
- What! - Are you always such a bitchy thing? - "Bitchy"? - Insulting the Talmud, insulting me! - A rabbi calls somebody bitchy? - I'm going to ask you to leave.
- God has no love for the bitchy? - Get out.
- I'll tell you that thingy on your head doesn't give you the right to be vicious.
- Vicious? - Yes, vicious.
You are a vicious rabbi, and I'm going to write a letter! -You insulted a rabbi? - Am I a bigot? This seems so unfair.
Sometimes you overreact when it comes to matters of the heart.
- Thank you.
- Karen Horwitz is on her way.
Oh, great.
How am I gonna? - I'm blotchy.
You blotched me.
- I did not.
- It's red here.
Look! - I didn't do that.
My face just happens to get red in the same spot.
Does that look not-as-much reduced? - Calm down.
- I look like Gorbachev.
I have a first date tonight and I look like a dead president from Russia.
- Did you go sicko on a rabbi? - Did I "go sicko"? - He said you were all anti-Semitic.
- That little liar.
I criticized one tiny, little Jewish law and a big one for Karen Horwitz.
I'm sorry.
And maybe I was out of line.
I'm so embarrassed.
I can tell.
Part of your face is turning red.
That wasn't helpful.
Is Gorbachev dead? Georgia, put yourself in my shoes.
This affects my kids.
- Lf my marriage is strained - I'm not saying I don't sympathize.
But maybe you and your wife should get counseling.
Not transfer me.
This is not my problem.
Look, I'm not gonna argue the merits of it.
I know you win on that score.
If working with a beautiful woman jeopardizes my family my family comes first.
- I've gotten a lawyer.
I could have said you were transferred to help the corporate department.
I could have said the partners wanted to thin out Litigation.
You think I wanted to tell the truth here? - But I've always been honest with you.
- And I admire your honesty.
It's wrong for me to be punished for your wife's problem.
- So you're suing me? - I hope not.
I'd like you to meet with my lawyer.
Fine.
Fine.
It's already less red.
It's just that the rest of my face is more red because I'm so upset.
Bad news good news and potentially horrible news, whichever order you'd like.
- Let's go in that order.
- That would be my choice.
Karen Horwitz has returned Iooking a bit like my dog when he had rabies.
The good news is, this Jason Roberts really is interested.
The horrendous news is that he's here to confirm tonight's date.
He's here? With my face like this? I'd tell him it's a Rorschach test for love.
That was good.
Tell Karen that I'll be a minute.
- Tell Jason that I'm in a meeting.
- You can't snub him.
Poke your head out.
Say you're tied up.
- He'll see my face.
- Do it quick! Jason, hey.
I'm in a meeting and can't get out of it.
I'm looking forward to tonight.
Great.
I was thinking I might pick you up here.
Say, 7:30? Fabulous! I can't wait.
Okay, um - 7:30, then.
- 7:30.
Bye.
You ruined me.
Karen, come on in.
Elaine, Renee, I'll catch you later.
- Would you like me to stay? - Just this one time? No.
One of the reasons I came to you is, I regard Jewish customs seriously.
I tried to gently persuade him.
- I was asked to leave the synagogue.
- Excuse me? He said it was one thing to get a lawyer, another to send a man-hater and still yet another to hire a Jew-hater and to wrap all three up in a waify package.
- He called me "waify"? - Great.
Make it about you.
- I'm the one that's been expelled! - Karen, I will talk to this rabbi.
You'll get back into that synagogue.
I'll make sure that you get married.
And this is a promise from me to you.
Don't worry about the get anymore.
Ira died last night.
- So I'm free to marry again.
- Oh! - He died! - In his sleep.
Oh, well "Mistletoe.
" Yes, dear.
Thank you.
I'd like to be married in my temple, and I can't do that expelled! I'll apologize to Rabbi Stern.
I'll make this all go away.
I promise.
- Could I offer you something to drink? - No, thank you.
I had a small Sprite in your lobby.
It refreshed me.
Good.
Look, I know how delicate this situation is.
I'm prepared to see that her partnership track is not interrupted.
Her future here is solid.
She's a great lawyer.
Everybody knows it.
I find myself deeply troubled.
I tried to tell Georgia It would be unfair for me to negotiate while troubled.
I'm less receptive to compromise.
I'll call to reschedule.
- And he just walked out? - According to Jerry.
- Is this guy all there? - The Biscuit? He's there.
He just works differently.
John, how did it go? - This won't be easy.
- I tried to tell you that.
I want you to think hard as to what you really want.
- I want my old job back in Litigation.
- Don't rush with your answers.
He works differently.
Now I have to persuade him to take her back into the synagogue.
That's the thing about me.
I make my clients forget about their troubles by giving them bigger ones.
ALLY: Don 't try to be funny.
She'll soon be remarried and everything will be fine.
This guy has "future" written all over him.
Did you become a D.
A.
Right out of law school? Almost.
Worked at the Justice Department, then I switched.
I wanted trial experience.
What? Oh.
- I was thinking about something else.
- Something else? About the law? This 10-B5 stock fraud.
You know how thrilling those cases can be.
Yeah.
I get tingles.
I still haven't figured out a way to prosecute them.
The object in those cases is probably to try to keep the jury awake.
The worst thing about being a D.
A.
Is the sense of futility, I suppose.
Oh yeah.
Get that gunk off your face.
Thank God.
Um You have a little Oh.
Thanks.
I'm not really in favor of the three-strikes law.
But it is frustrating.
You know? It's all one big giant conspiracy.
So you're not gonna date him? I have a thing about first impressions.
I will forever see him as "salad-dressing face.
" Ally It's not a criticism of him.
It's me.
I need therapy.
I know it.
Salad dressing? I might have been able to get past the first drip, but the second was a gob.
A big gob of gooey, creamy Italian.
It will forever be etched on his face.
You have such a talent for ruling guys out.
You blew off a guy for neck hair.
I wouldn't have if I could have wiped it off with a napkin.
You missed a giant opportunity.
- I did? - Yes.
You could have blotted his chin.
A little touch.
Physical affection, and it's maternal.
Guys love that.
Whenever I'm attracted to a guy, I pray he's got a crumb on his face.
I would love to talk more, but I'm late for Temple.
Alone.
Forever.
You.
Alone.
I know my answer may have seemed rushed.
But I really do want to stay where I am, doing what I'm doing.
I'd like everything to stay the same.
- That's the one unavailable option.
- Why? We could perhaps get her job back, but it won't be the same.
From Burrows' perspective and yours.
You'd have no security.
That is the reality.
The reality of suing him is even worse.
How so? - How so? - I'm collecting an errant thought.
Should you prevail in a lawsuit, you'd get money.
As far as future employment nobody will hire a pretty young woman fresh on the heels of a sex-discrimination suit.
Like it or not, you would be unhirable.
That's not a real word.
I use it to give you an idea as to how severely it applies.
What do you suggest I do? Go to Corporate.
Update your resume.
What? That sucks! That's not the word I'd use, but it is real.
I'm not going to Corporate.
- Pragmatically - I hate that word! May I take your hand? As a woman, I'd say sue.
But I'm not a woman.
That's not where I was going.
I got boxed in by my poor choice of syntax.
You can make a point for womankind or you can do what's best for you.
I want to sue.
If it means not working there, fine.
I won't sit back and take this.
Splendid.
I'm a calm person.
But when you call me "Jew-hater," "man-hater" and - Lawyer.
In a pejorative way, it's not in me to let that go.
It's only because of Karen that I've come here conciliatory.
- This is you "conciliatory"? - Well You said very bad things about me.
Very bad.
You said bad things about Judaism.
You called it "hoopla.
" I did not call it "hoo" Oh.
I just meant that a person shouldn't be denied marriage because of a custom that came about before the wheel.
If you'd put it that way, I wouldn't have taken offense.
I'm sorry.
I do these things.
If you could fill this room with everybody I've offended people would think you're a much better rabbi than you are.
Here's the deal: When people are together or about to marry and something happens to keep them apart, it pushes a button.
If I came on aggressive, I apologize.
I just hope you don't punish Karen.
She's very devoted to you and this synagogue.
She is.
I understand.
I do.
You were here as her agent, acting within the scope of that agency.
Your actions run to her accountability.
- Where do you get these jingles? - I hit the bitchy button.
- Two people want to get married! - You are a rude, rude woman! Is common sense pinched off by that thing on your head? Did you say, "Is common sense pinched off by that thing on my head"? That was a slip.
What? Oh.
What part of me are you laughing at? Let me just say, I'm going to assume that Karen's hiring of you says something about her.
You tell her she's welcome here.
I would be glad to do the ceremony.
Is this a trick? Is this some sort of trickery, you being nice? I hate it when I don 't know what I've done.
I demand to know why you are pleased with me! Hey, John.
How's it going? Unacceptable.
I had to get a glimpse of your pre-game regimen.
Not that I learned much.
Are you ready? I am.
He's in there, waiting.
Good luck.
Sometimes he can scream.
The room's ready.
The water's been chilled to 41 degrees.
Thank you for agreeing to meet me.
Look, Mr.
Cage litigators have various techniques for distracting opponents.
But please.
I've been around a long time.
Perhaps we can sit closer.
I sit here as if to suggest the room is full.
But it isn't.
The next meeting it will be.
These chairs will be filled with your fellow partners people whose eyes you look into for respect acceptance.
They know the situation.
But an excellent idea.
They may know the facts, but they've only heard you tell them.
My presentation may be less exonerating.
My presentation may have the added impact of, well, presentation.
One, if made in front of a jury, would incur embarrassment to your firm.
A firm that, correct me if I'm wrong, cherishes reputation flaunts it for recruitment purposes.
It would be painful to have these allegations levied against you before a jury in an open forum.
It'd be excruciating to bear them in a room filled with colleagues who consider you a friend.
Who trusted you to preserve the integrity of a franchise they've all committed themselves to, deeply.
Look at yourself through their eyes and hear the truth.
You hurt a young woman at the behest of a jealous wife.
Your partnership earnings and bonuses totaled $972,000 last year.
That's quite a bit of money.
But it's only money.
And for a man who prioritizes family money really is only money.
It becomes a smaller sacrifice to give some of it to Georgia in exchange for your right to spare embarrassment to your family to spare ridicule to a firm devoted to its highbrow pedigree of principle.
You want to dismiss this meeting as a litigator's technique, do so at enormous personal and professional peril.
Fortunately you have a very easy out here.
Money.
Rabbi.
Hi.
The wedding is on.
In my synagogue.
I'll be doing the service.
- That's great.
- Can I steal a second? Sure.
Snappish.
Listen, I apologize for laughing back at the temple.
But I have to say what I hate about being a rabbi is how everyone tiptoes around me.
Old friends became embarrassed to say a dirty word in front of me.
I found it refreshing how you were so willing to be obnoxious.
Thank you.
Anytime.
Listen, would you like to come to the wedding as my date? Oh, God, no.
What would God think, you showing up with a Methodist? Three weeks is a long time.
I might be in a relationship.
God willing.
My God.
I'm sorry.
Here I go.
I've been having a weird stretch.
I gave mouth-to-mouth to a person who thought it was a "Snow White" thing in reverse.
Then I met somebody I could like, and he had creamy Italian.
And now I assault Judaism and I get hit on by a rabbi.
I just probably shouldn't date until the world begins to make sense again.
You could have just said, "No, thank you.
" You're right.
Ask me again.
I don't have my mental health.
I don't have my mental health.
I don't have my mental health.
I don't have my This will probably teach me to lock the door.
Don't get up.
I would, but I'm lacking the words, Georgia.
I'm also lacking any feeling in my feet.
This happens, sometimes, when I'm embarrassed.
- Is there any way I can help? - No.
I'll be getting up now.
- I apologize.
- Okay.
- It was good to see you.
- You too.
You might think there's an explanation, but you would be wrong.
- That thing is giving me a headache.
- Relax, Georgia.
- Billy.
- Georgia.
Billy.
Don't tell me to relax.
I know Jerry.
When you tell him he can't win, he digs in.
Which is why we're all ready for this meeting.
- Are we ready? - Yes, we are.
I'm tired of your excuses.
You got all these excuses.
I don't have any excuses.
It's just Too fat, too Jewish, too much chin dressing.
It's your nature to go cold on guys.
You need a new attitude.
Would you go out with a rabbi? - I might.
- I seriously doubt it.
Don't usher me.
Oh.
Oh! Later.
Ally.
Jason, hey, how are you? Great.
You're looking good this morning.
So are you.
- I had a good time the other night.
- Me too.
Do you want to try it again? Um Whatever.
We don't need to make plans today.
Okay.
Don't ask me to explain that.
It's just Actually, I am going to explain it.
I'm interested but the image of that salad dressing is with me.
So I needed to do something to preempt it.
I have wiped the slate and your face clean.
Call me.
Nice kiss, by the way.
You just did that? It was so out of my character.
I think that's why I enjoyed it.
- I can't wait to embellish that story.
- What's going on in there? The big meeting.
I thought about your presentation.
I don't doubt the efficacy of your delivery.
But I sense a waning public appetite with sex-discrimination laws.
- Do you? - Yeah.
These safeguards insult women, make them look weak.
I sense a waning appetite with people who sue who haven't been hurt.
I haven't been hurt? In Corporate, I proofread leverage buyout contracts You weren't fired or demoted.
All this because your wife thought I was too pretty! - You'll argue that in court? - No.
I plan to champion it.
A jury won't hate a man that puts his family before his job.
- You put your family before her job! - Yes, I did.
There are no compensatory damages.
She's not out of pocket.
You have possible punitives.
That means you have to get a jury to not like me.
I'll take that bet.
- We could plead emotional distress.
- Do that.
I'd love it.
"The beautiful blonde is distressed.
" - You think I won't get you? - Don't yell at me.
I might even kick your ass right here! Would you excuse us? - I will not excuse you! - This is my case! Please, just give us two minutes.
RICHARD: How did it go? Good, I think.
- We did our part.
- The Biscuit will bring it home.
Interesting defense strategy.
I'll incorporate that into my other case where the issue is similar.
The appeal to family, I like that.
- You're to be commended.
- Thank you.
I agree, the successful prosecution of our claim is by no means a guarantee.
As you can see, I'm dealing with very emotional clients.
They're determined to see it through, whatever the cost.
Can they afford the cost? I mean, young kids, mortgage.
That's where I help.
Billy's in the firm.
This case is on the house.
Given their outrage we can't count on practicality to ever figure into their thinking.
And as inventive as that family defense is, and again I like it we both know in the end, you'd probably lose.
You'd look bad.
Yesterday I got to do my little dance.
Today it was your turn to play peacock.
It's time to do what lawyers always do in the end.
We pick a number.
Ms.
McBeal, how delightful to see you.
Call me Ally.
And that was snide.
I'm sorry.
I'm just afraid you now have a client who likes ham.
And you want me to waive that "stupid little kosher thing.
" Actually, I've come here to ask you out.
On a date.
- What are you up to? - Nothing.
I've just been thinking.
And see it's rare that a man comes along who I could so immediately dislike.
There must be something behind that.
This is how you ask me out? They say you're not supposed to be honest with men because the truth is so detrimental to their image.
I'm just going to lay this out.
You and I, it's probably like mayonnaise on brisket.
But I've decided to make an adjustment in my social life.
- What do you mean? - I've decided to juggle.
Instead of waiting for Mr.
Right I'll be with Mr.
Not Likelys, on the theory of "Who knows?" - Juggle? - Yes.
I'd like you to be one of the balls I keep up in the air.
It's taking a lot of time.
He doesn't like to rush.
You know what? It doesn't give me great confidence.
Don't "Georgia" me! - I didn't say anything.
- You were about to.
I have put my whole career in the hands of Bagpipe Biscuit who doesn't even look at people when he talks.
$311,000.
End of business.
Payable to me? - Today.
- $300,000? And eleven.
$311,000.
I'm rich! I mean, I can Student loans.
Gone! Car payments.
Gone! - Billy.
- Gone! - I'm kidding.
- It is conditioned on you being out in two weeks.
It's all sealed, but there are leaks.
It's hard to find a new job.
- She'll work here.
- What? She'll work here, and she'll be able to interview from strength.
- Really? - Lf it's okay with Billy.
Some men don't like to work with the ball-and-chain.
- That's your call.
- I think it's great.
Do it.
You don't have to do all this for me.
You're a great lawyer.
This is good for us.
Helping people is rewarding when it's in your interest.
Look there, you just got your first Fishism! Welcome! Family! And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can 't hide - To Georgia.
Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.
ELAINE: And how about our Biscuit? - To John.
- Yes.
- Yes, to John.
- To John.
So you kiss Dip-Chin tell the rabbi you'll juggle - It's the new me.
You were right.
I have to start ruling men in.
I have Roberts on Tuesday, the rabbi on Thursday Chicago Hope in between.
I have a life.
This rabbi is conservative.
He can't intermarry.
I don't convert on the first date.
Besides, this is my point.
I'm not looking for a lifetime.
I'm looking for a fun Tuesday night.
- But you're not capable of fun.
- I am! Ally McBeal, man-eater.
I like it.
Ally? Georgia.
I haven't run this by you, my joining the firm.
I think it's great.
It's probably only temporary.
Just a few months Here's a hot flash.
I like you.
I'm glad.
- Just lock the door in the - I will.
- I have a dance with the Biscuit.
- She asked, I'm not moved by the music.
All new associates have to dance with me.
I did.
Ally, he's mine.
They're yours.
Let's go.
They say it's all in the attitude.
And mine has changed.
And I can tell, this time it's gonna last.
Maybe even a week.
Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to give