An Idiot Abroad (2010) s01e07 Episode Script
Peru
The seven wonders of the world Christ the Redeemer The Taj Mahal The great pyramids truly man's greatest achievements.
But there's one man who sees them differently.
If that was on my road, the council would be on it.
They'd go, "Get that down.
It's a death trap.
" [ Laughing .]
Karl Pilkington.
Is this for the hunting, or is she just a bit forward? I don't know the politically correct term.
"Moron," I think.
He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like, manc moron.
Buffoon, idiot.
[ Groans .]
And he's a friend.
[ Gags .]
He's a typical little Englander, and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.
I just think that it would be amazing to send him around the world.
What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if, in any way, we can change his outlook on the world.
I want him to hate it.
I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.
Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick.
I am that stick.
And now I have the might of Sky behind me.
This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done, and it's gonna be great.
Just let me go! No.
[Bleep.]
First discovered by western eyes in about 1911 Machu Picchu, Peru, truly one of the seven wonders.
You must be very familiar with that.
Breathtaking.
No, I haven't heard of that.
Never heard of it? Pilkington: Good view.
Good view important.
Bit out of the way.
It's accessible by an 11-hour trek through the mountains.
Well, that's not accessible, is it? [ Laughs .]
That's true! That wouldn't cut the mustard on "Location, Location, Location," would it? You can't live like that, can you? You can't I mean, people moan at me.
Delivery drivers moan at me just 'cause I'm on the second floor.
So, if you're up there, they're gonna have a ripe whinge on by the time they get to you.
You don't seem that fazed by the fact that you got to do an 11-hour trek.
I like a walk.
I'll probably see loads of better things on the way than I do when I get there.
Uh, camping.
Yeah, camping's all right.
I mean, it's quite relaxing.
You're out in the open air.
Quite like the idea of that.
The only thing that's annoying with camping is the toilet situation.
India Hole in the ground.
It is better.
It can't possibly be better.
Why not? In China, where I thought they're advanced, they still had a hole in the ground.
That starts me main panic that I've had about this trip.
How am I gonna do it in the woods? Made this.
A little camping chair.
Put a little hole in it.
So it doesn't rip anymore, I just put staples around it.
I don't know if that's a good idea or not, 'cause I haven't had me bare ass on it yet.
It's only 8 quid.
Pop that up.
Sit down like that.
Put me toilet roll in the drinks holder Once I've used it a bit.
Looks all right, doesn't it? I mean, it's the last one, isn't it? It should be the easiest one, 'cause in my head, I'm going, "It's over now.
" So, no matter how bad it gets, I think that will keep me going.
Not happy with this.
Seriously not happy with this.
It's funny how the directors got in a different one.
I'm not getting on this.
Why's it landing on water? There's enough land here.
Chop some of the trees down.
[Bleep.]
of land.
Make another runway.
Why are we landing on this? I thought we were just going to Machu Picchu.
I've got to get on a plane.
And apparently, there's smoke.
Yeah, look, they've got the engine opened up.
Is it easily sorted? Can you fix it? No.
You can't fix it? Don't worry.
It's okay.
It's okay.
[ Engine turns over .]
Bit of banging.
We get on it.
Met the captain.
He's called George, which isn't a name that pilots normally have.
When you hear them on the speaker thing, it's normally the surnames they use and stuff.
And it's sort of a bit posh-sounding.
I've never heard, "All right, George here.
" That isn't a pilot's name, that.
[Bleep.]
Whoa! What's it doing? Every time I looked over, he seemed to have his hand on something, and this fella next to him's sort of grabbing it, going, "Don't do that.
" And he's sort of looking like, "What?" I think that's why they have doors on planes so you can't see the captain.
It has nothing to do with security.
It's just so you can't see the devil who's driving it.
'Cause it puts you on edge, doesn't it? And I looked again.
They've gotOut.
Sat there having his lunch.
It's only an hour flight.
Have it before we go or when we get there.
See, it's just little things like that that niggle me.
So, what? Are we landing down here? Where's the wonder? [Bleep.]
[ Groans .]
It just annoys me, 'cause they always say to me, "Oh, you always come across pissed off," and all that and, "People would love to do what you're doing.
" But they wouldn't, 'cause I'm constantly on edge.
I haven't slept for about 30-odd hours.
[ Grunts .]
Richard: You ever been to the jungle before? No, why would I? Why would I go to the jungle? I've never watched "Tarzan" and thought, "I'd like to go there on holiday.
" It never looks great.
It's the last one.
But that's what worries me.
It's the last one.
That's part of the problem, though, isn't it? 'Cause Ricky and Steve are going, "Let's go out on a bang.
" [ Sighs .]
These are getting on my [bleep.]
already.
What do you make of the Amazon? Is this it? I don't want to see all of it, so get that out your head.
I mean, it's no different to the Thames, is it? Pilkington: Is it a nice place where we're staying, Will? Will: This is jungle land.
We're staying in the jungle? It's getting to the end of the day, so I've got to go in the jungle.
I've got to try and sleep in the jungle.
Will: Be careful.
Have to watch where you're walking.
It has many species of dangerous things.
Pilkington: Like what? Like scorpions, tarantulas, spiders, ants.
[Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
hell.
I want to go home.
Now we are very lucky to find a place where we stay.
"Lucky"? We're lucky? We are lucky.
Come on.
Hold on [bleep.]
Will you fit over there? Will I fit on what? On that? Yes.
I can't be bothered.
What is this about? How do you know where you're going now? There's no path or anything.
You're just chopping away.
This is the place where we stay.
We'll be resting tonight in here.
This is a good place, is it? Yeah.
[ Insects chirping .]
[ Sighs .]
Richard: What do you make of the campsite? It's not a campsite.
What are you on about? Campsite.
This isn't a campsite.
I've been to campsites.
They have toilets, showers, maybe a little arcade.
A fella on a you know, on the front gate checking you've got a pass to come in.
To them at home watching it, they're going, "Don't know what all the fuss is about.
I've seen this time and time again.
" I am knackered, and I don't know how to get that across to them at home, that I'm pissed off.
[ Sighs .]
Only filmed a little bit so far.
I know, but I tell you what.
I tell you what we could do, like Attenborough does.
He's got it right.
He does a little thing at the start going, "Here I am in the Amazon.
" You never see him again.
It's all voice-over.
I bet he lands.
I bet they go, "Keep that [bleep.]
plane engine running.
" "Here I am in the Amazon.
" Then he [bleep.]
off, back off.
Back off home.
And then he sat in a studio.
"And there I was with a frog.
" Where? We never see him anymore.
He's never there with a frog in his hand.
It's always like a big close-up.
You don't know where he is.
He's at home! And I'm sat in a toilet that I've made, that I know I'll be sat here later having a [bleep.]
Thinking, "What am I doing? What am I doing?" Pilkington: I don't understand what they're thinking.
I thought Ricky and Steve were sending me to Machu Picchu, so why am I in the middle of the Amazon now? Richard: How was last night? I can't stay here again.
I can't.
I can't.
Ah [bleep.]
I can't stay here again.
I've got to move on.
I can't do the tent again.
So you might as well forget this.
At like 1:00 in the morning, 2:00 in the morning, I'm pissing into an [bleep.]
bottle.
This wasn't the plan.
This wasn't the plan.
Nothing makes sense in here.
That's the other thing.
Nothing makes sense.
Now, that's how much water I had last night.
There's a little bit left in the bottom there.
There you go.
So, how have I managed to piss that much? It doesn't add up.
I've pissed more than I've drunk.
And look at the color of it.
That isn't healthy.
I'm not a doctor, but I've never pissed like that before.
I know I'm not that old yet, but I reckon this is the lowest point of my life.
These are all right, these.
I mean, I'd eat a rodent if there was nothing else.
But it's hard to sort of sit over there and tuck down, you know, tuck into a rat, when I know I've got beans and sausage here.
It just seems a bit daft, doesn't it? I don't normally cook at home.
Leave it all to Suzanne.
The deal is, she does the cooking, and I wash up.
We've got a dishwasher now, so I don't really do anything.
Just have a wander about.
Basically I'm just showing you a tree now.
There's nothing there.
Don't be thinking that green thing's anything.
Anything? No, it's just a bit of mold.
You know, do we actually need these creatures for the world to go on? All right, that one there, I'm talking about, the one with its head down.
All right.
There you go.
He's walking over there.
Having a little wrestle with another one.
Just started a fight, so that's a bit of a hooligan, that one.
Everywhere you look, there's stuff whizzing 'round your ears all the time or crawling up your arm.
I'm just gonna get bitten a lot.
Little stick insect I just found on a tree.
In here, there's always something on me arm.
Look at that little fly stopped there, as well.
Imagine it.
Imagine being a stick insect walking about.
You'd be forever going, "Is that what's his name?" And you'd have to walk all the way up to the twig.
You know, "Oh, it's just a bloody twig again.
" It doesn't work.
"She looks nice.
I'm going over there.
All right, love.
Oh, she's a stick.
" It's hard.
It's a hard life to be a stick insect.
And what's that tree all about? Trees dangerous trees.
I was worried about scorpions and spiders and [bleep.]
[Bleep.]
tree with knives coming out of it.
I feel like I've seen the jungle now.
You know, I've had a look around.
I've seen all the insects and that, so I might as well just have another look at the Amazon.
You know, everyone seems to make a fuss about it, say, "Oh," you know, "The Amazon's nice and everything.
" What I saw of it the other day, I wasn't that impressed.
But Will wants me to go out again, so I might as well, 'cause there's nothing else to do.
There it is.
Will that come over? Will: Huh? [Bleep.]
[ Speaks native language .]
I had no idea they had dolphins swimming about.
Richard: Do you like dolphins, Karl? Um Yeah, they're all right.
It sort of gets on my nerves how people say they're really intelligent, 'cause I've never seen any of them do anything that's blown me away.
I don't know, maybe it's just the way they get raved about so much by people saying they're intelligent.
That's what annoys me.
'Cause everyone's always calling me a div.
So the fact that they're going, "Yeah, Karl's an idiot," but they go, "Yeah, dolphins are bright.
" That's all I mean.
There we go.
Whoo-hoo! Will: Be careful.
Whoa! It's the waves.
Just got me this ginger crinkle crunch.
It tastes even better, eh? Will: Come on.
What? I want to show you something.
Come on here.
What? Come on.
Is that Will? I have something to show you, I think, that you never see.
Do you see this? [Bleep.]
hell.
I think he wants to eat something.
Did you say that it's poisonous or it's not poisonous? They'll bite you, but it's not poisonous.
Again, that's no good.
So, these are the ones that wrap 'round you, and then you sort of breathe in [ gasps .]
What's that? I'm gonna stand over here a minute.
Why? You are in the jungle.
I know I am.
I wish I wasn't.
This is ridiculous, this.
Nothing's normal, is it? I had two minutes over there, sat by a fire, having a biscuit and a cup of coffee.
[ Laughs .]
And all this is going on.
Should we give it a bit of biscuit? For what? It doesn't eat biscuit.
How do you know? How do you know? Have you ever tried feeding one of them a biscuit? Well, then, you're gonna learn something, then.
Listen to me.
Watch this.
Watch this.
What? Biscuit? Okay.
Can you get a light on it? The head is over here.
I wasted a biscuit, really.
[ Insects chirping .]
The noise is doing me head in.
It's different insects going off all the time.
I mean, they say most of the jungle is nocturnal.
But I'm not surprised.
They all have to be awake through the night.
There's no chance of getting any sleep here, even if you're not a nocturnal animal.
Let's face it with this racket, I'm not gonna get any sleep, am I? Is he having a laugh? And what does he mean, "They used to be cannibals"? What are they doing now, then? What happens if it's just, I'm, like, a rare delicacy that triggers something off? "We haven't had a white man for years.
" Before you know it, they're giving it all this "hey, hey, hey" 'round the fire, me sat in a pot.
What am I gonna do? Richard: You're worrying too much.
"Worrying too much"? Just gonna stay with some cannibals.
Make you feel you know, feel at home.
[Bleep.]
me.
I haven't got a problem.
If I got hungry, I'd quite happily eat human.
There's no difference.
They say it tastes like pork anyway.
Say if they took the lid off and it was just a foot and they sort of said, "Have a bit," I'd almost be a bit like, "I want to know a bit about the person first.
" In the same way that we do with chickens.
Everything's got to be, "Is it organic? "Where's this been brought up? What field has it been on? What's it been eating?" I'd be a bit like that.
I'd want an organic foot.
I'd want to know the history of it.
Did he have athlete's foot? How often did he change his sock? Just a little bit of something that goes, "Yeah, this is a nice foot.
It's worth eating.
" All right, didn't wave back, so they don't know what that means, or they hate me already.
I don't know.
Nothing.
Nothing again.
I'm not doing that again.
It's embarrassing.
It's like asking someone's name three times and not hearing them.
Are they smiling, even? This is proper, isn't it? This is, like, proper tribe.
[Bleep.]
Have they seen me? What a knobhead I look.
What a way for them to see me.
This Are they up there? Aw, they're all watching as well.
There's some stairs there.
You think they would have sorted this out for me if they knew I was coming.
Do I want the bags yet? Oh, right.
Okay.
He's glad to see the back of us, isn't he? See ya, then.
Look at him.
He can't get out of here quick enough.
He knows more than I do, obviously.
Look at him.
Not hanging about, no waving.
Raymond.
Raymond.
Anyone watching at home, he does do tours.
Hello.
[ Speaks native language .]
How you doing? [ Speaks native language .]
Yeah.
Hey.
How are you doing? How do you say "hello," again? "Hello.
" The chiefAround? Presidente.
Presidente? Presidente.
This is gonna be hard work.
Pilkington: See, I don't like that.
I don't like the big all the attention.
That's one of the reasons I haven't got married.
All that folk everyone's looking at me.
You don't know where to look.
It's like, "What's going on?" [ Man speaks native language .]
All right, what's he saying, Aldo? [ Speaks native language .]
What? What's that? Hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on a minute.
Aldo: "Where are you coming?" That's what he say.
"Why am I coming"? "Where are you coming?" I'm coming here.
Ricky and Steve, my friends, asked me to stay here on the way to Machu Picchu.
[ Speaks native language .]
I've just been explaining to the fella here that I'm on my way to Machu Picchu.
Need somewhere to sleep on my way.
I'm gonna be staying here in a tent.
All right, let's all let's get on with it.
We've all got stuff to do.
[ Sighs .]
God.
There's a woman with an ax.
Right.
And she's not wearing the stuff.
It's like she didn't want to join in.
It's mad, isn't it? No matter where you live, there's a nutter.
Whether it's on a council estate in Manchester, London, in the jungle.
There's always one who doesn't want to join in.
Swinging an ax about.
[ Thunder rumbles .]
Looks like it's gonna Chuck it down.
Richard: No one else seems to be showering.
I know.
I don't understand why.
This is brilliant.
I mean, surely, this is They believe in nature and stuff, don't they? That you use what God gives you? I mean, I don't know.
I just made that up.
They haven't said anything like that, but I imagine that's what they do.
[ Rooster crows .]
Is it alive? The way it's just left there.
It's not looking good for it, is it? I don't live here, but I'm guessing things aren't looking good for it.
But I don't want to say, "Don't do that.
It's cruel.
" 'Cause they'll go, "Okay, we'll go back to our old times, then.
Get in the pot.
" So, if it's me or that, I'll let them have that.
Pilkington: Don't you want the head? You'd love that, wouldn't you? You'd love to eat that.
I saw you cutting it off.
You cut it off.
You eat it.
Well, can you let them know that I don't feel like I should take the food from them? Aldo: Everybody wants you just to try.
But you're not telling them what I'm saying.
This is the one time I need you to explain.
I don't think I should eat.
I shouldn't take food off them.
I'm not actually a meat-eater.
I don't eat meat.
Vegetarian.
What are they doing for pudding? What's happening? What's happening, Aldo? I didn't think I'd see that today you know, a fella getting poison off a frog.
They believe that, if they stick it on you, gives you extra energy to go off and hunt, stuff like that.
It's all about up there, isn't it? You know, I mentioned me auntie Nora, with the amount of drugs she's on.
If she was here, she'd be up for that.
She'd go, "Oh, I haven't had that.
"What are you mixing there? Toad and a bit of spit? Oh, I want to try that.
" If it hasn't been tested on animals, it's been tested on me auntie Nora.
So, what? The just-burned end of a stick.
And now they're putting the toad sweat and man spit on it.
Does that hurt? "Aah! Aah!" Does that hurt? Aldo: It make you feel dizzy.
Why do you want that? Why do you want to feel dizzy? [ Gagging .]
I'm gonna be sick in a minute.
[ Gags .]
[ Speaks native language .]
Hello.
No, I'm okay now.
I'm full of life.
I'm great.
Can you let him know I'm full of energy? Tell him now.
I have that.
Mmm! Sod off! [ Laughter .]
I'm not having it done.
Come on, let's go hunting.
Oh, God.
See what's happening here.
Keep walking.
Keep walking.
Is this for the hunting, or is she just a bit forward? And the women came over, put a bit of makeup on me, made me look like a Jaguar.
That's the idea.
Why did I bother having a shower yesterday? Hang on.
Little Johnny, picking his arrows This for the championship.
That's what I do in me head, sort of build it up like it's important.
This for £100,000.
And he's got it.
[ Laughter .]
Anyway, they had a go.
They were good.
I had a go.
I was [bleep.]
I must have had about 9 or 10 goes.
[ Groans .]
Well, people were starting to leave.
[ Groans .]
I can't do it.
Can't do it.
Looks like they're going hunting.
I thought they would have said to me, "Do you want to just come?" Even if they didn't want me there.
I know I wasn't that great this morning with the arrows.
They didn't even sort of sneak off and say, "Look, we're gonna leave him behind 'cause he's useless.
"Let's just go one at a time.
Let's not make a big deal out of our hunt.
" The whole village came out again to see them off.
That's another thing, as well, about tribes that I read before I come here.
They only count up to three Because they don't need a higher number.
I read that.
Come here.
Honestly, you'll like this.
You'll love it.
You're the red.
Right? These are all yours.
'Cause they live in a world where they don't deal with mass.
It's all like, "You want a chicken leg?" "Yeah.
" "How many do you want?" "I'll have two.
" He's not got it, has he? So Now watch.
Right? So I win.
Whee! "Have you been out hunting?" "Yeah.
" "How many chickens did you get?" "I got three.
" "What, is that all we've got?" "No.
Harry got two.
" "Oh, so we got three and two.
Oh, great.
" They don't need to go higher than that.
Which is why they probably don't understand connect four.
Come on, someone else have a go.
This fella looks serious.
He's got sort of an intelligent kid's haircut.
[ Beeps .]
Gervais: Ohhhh.
Richard: Karl? Eh? I think they want you to pay for all the gifts you've been given.
Can you get Aldo to tell these I haven't got any money? 'Cause it's a bit awkward, this.
It doesn't translate.
Anything.
Aldo: You have to give them back.
All right.
I'll give them back.
But it's not 'cause I don't want them.
It's because I just haven't got any money.
See, I don't have any money.
They don't give me any money.
I thought they wouldn't take them off me.
It seems like a bad ending now.
It's all gone a bit downhill now.
I haven't got any money.
Pilkington: Basically, I've got to get on a plane and get over to a place called Cusco to start the walk up to Machu Picchu, which is fine by me, 'cause we're getting closer and closer.
Just, you know just get on with it.
Just waiting for a plane.
Weird, though, isn't it? People at home will be going, "But you're in a bus stop.
" I'm not.
The airport.
Where is the runway? Richard: Just over there, I think.
That field.
[ Chuckles .]
It's not an airport, then, is it? It's a bloke who's built a hut and got his lawnmower out.
Is it safe? It just seems a bit mad that they've got planes when they haven't got runways.
I wasn't even aware of this, that it's like 30% less oxygen.
I've never heard of that.
So, that's gonna wear me out, isn't it? They don't tell you that, do they? "Come and see the wonder and suffocate to death.
" I mean, I know the wonder is meant to take me breath away.
Not like this.
[ Panting .]
Richard: They've got oxygen over there.
They've got what? You can buy oxygen in reception.
Is it like do they have, like, a little cupboard, like the fridge that they have, where they charge you ridiculous amounts for a bottle of water? Up there, they'll have a cupboard full of oxygen, and they know if you're in there going [wheezes.]
.
You're not gonna be going, "How much? [ Wheezing .]
Forget it.
" You're gonna pay how much What price do you put on a bottle of air if you need it? I bet they've they've got a right scam going on here.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Yeah, just about.
Just left there yesterday.
Just in Cusco.
Yeah, well, I'm not doing any more of this, so you can tell them no.
Don't wait for me to get home.
Just say, "He's not interested.
He's been around the world now.
He's seen it all.
He's done everything.
" Knock it on the head.
I've been through a load of [bleep.]
here.
Tell them now.
Call them now and tell them that we're not doing series 2.
Nip that in the bud.
See, you've got me heart going more now.
[ Laughs .]
Apparently, it's a tradition that, if you're going on a long walk, like I'm about to do, that I'm not in the mood for, it's good to see this doctor.
He blesses your body, checks out that you're well, and gets you ready for the trek ahead.
So, I meet this bloke, a local fella called Richard.
Tiny.
Thinking he's miles away.
Turns out he's about 4 foot, so he seemed further away than he actually was.
Richard, yeah? I'm Karl.
Karl.
Karl, yeah.
How are you feeling? UmSick.
Yeah? [Bleep.]
Yeah.
Headache.
He got out, like, this bag of [bleep.]
Bits of grass, plastic things.
You know, when you have a bowl at home, and you go, "I might need that," and, like, you chuck things in it screws, bits of cotton, string, belly-button fluff, whatever.
It's like he'd been 'round and gone and emptied all the [bleep.]
bowls around the country and stuck it in a bag.
[ Speaks native language .]
He got out a Guinea pig at one point.
I'm not quite sure what was going on.
Does it bite? Yeah.
He does? Yeah.
But when you've seen a doctor who's using string and old earbuds and stuff, you kind of think, "The Guinea pig's probably got more of an idea of what's wrong with me than this fella has.
" I wanted a second opinion from him you know what I mean? from the Guinea pig.
[ Guinea pig squealing .]
I don't quite understand what's happening here.
Your Guinea pig.
He said all the badness that was in me was transferred to the Guinea pig.
So, somewhere, there's a Guinea pig walking around with major [bleep.]
[ Train whistle blows .]
So, this way? Keep going? All right? You ready? Do we have to bring all this stuff? [Bleep.]
It's like going out with me mum.
She stops at every shop.
Richard: You enjoying the walk, Karl? No.
'Cause I'm not well, am I? Not well.
It's too hot.
[ Panting .]
That bit of toffee you gave me has worn out.
Have you got any more? I'm not in the mood for this.
Just tell us which way it is.
There's no way anyone will be watching this going, "That looks pleasant.
" You'll see once you go in there.
Definitely not.
How can I enjoy it after this? Or is it meant to work that way? That, you know, you're just happy to be there.
God almighty.
He said loads of people do this.
I haven't seen anyone.
How much better is it? How much better is Machu Picchu compared to that? Richard: Don't you think it's amazing that they made these kind of buildings, and it's just gonna get better? I think you're talking [bleep.]
because I'm not looking for a house there.
This isn't a property program, is it? I'm not gonna go, "Just like this, just something with a bit more outside space.
" What am I doing it for? If it's exactly like this, let's stop here.
[ Sighs .]
Doesn't make sense, though, 'cause these things they're living in look like bungalows.
But what's the point if you got to keep doing this? You might as well have a house with stairs.
Bit more pleasant.
[ Pipes playing .]
[Bleep.]
sake.
[ Man speaking native language .]
I don't get it.
Why don't they just want to rest? They've been walking up there with all these bags, out of breath, and now they're wasting breath, just making a racket.
I mean, that doesn't even sound nice to me.
That's not relaxing.
They're all doing their own thing here.
[ Speaks native language .]
I mean, I had a cassette of pure moods, like panpipe stuff, used to sort of make a bit of a romantic evening.
Didn't sound like that.
And there certainly wasn't a rat involved.
[ Music stops .]
[ Sighs .]
Thank God for that.
[ Music resumes .]
I'm gonna keep walking.
All right.
Enjoy your dinner.
[ Panting .]
Welcome to Machu Picchu.
Thank you very much.
Nice job.
Yes.
You're having a laugh, are you? See you.
Ta-ta.
Have we done a full circle? Richard: First impressions? There isn't one.
There isn't one.
I just feel I felt like the view earlier that I saw was better than this one.
Are you sure you're looking at the right thing? That bit of grass and rock over there.
I'm not going any further.
'Cause it's more of what we've already seen, and I'm not killing meself.
I've done everything that Ricky and Steve have wanted me to do.
We need to do it anyway, Karl.
We can't Well, go, then! You're standing here.
The sun's going down.
Get over there.
I'm not going.
I'll tell you now.
I'm not going anymore.
Well, I'm kind of at the wonder.
I'm at the wonder, but I've only just got here, so I've been walking about eight hours, right? Now, I'm at a point where I can see the wonder, the cameraman can see the wonder, but Richard, who's in charge, is worrying, going, "Sky wanna see the wonder.
" Have you got a problem if we just see it from here, have a look, and go? Yes.
But I've been walking for eight hours, and the view from here is magnificent.
I think it looks magnificent.
No.
No.
No.
Don't bother telling Ricky or anything.
I'll speak to him when I get back.
All right, see ya.
Yeah.
There you go, then.
See? Easy.
We'll just a David Attenborough job on it when I get home.
Just do a load of voice-over.
Job done.
70 miles from Cusco is one of the old, ancient cities of the world, a maze of old rock and sort of huts, you know, sort of rock huts, boulders, walls Lots of rock-related old stuff, you know.
Get lost in the maze.
That's an easy thing to do.
I mean, look at that old fella down there.
He needs a stepladder to get out of the place.
God knows what she's playing at.
And that's good, isn't it? Wonder of the world.
Protect it with some strings.
Why not? I mean, I'm struggling here, if I'm honest with you.
I don't know how to sell it to you.
Do you like llamas?
But there's one man who sees them differently.
If that was on my road, the council would be on it.
They'd go, "Get that down.
It's a death trap.
" [ Laughing .]
Karl Pilkington.
Is this for the hunting, or is she just a bit forward? I don't know the politically correct term.
"Moron," I think.
He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like, manc moron.
Buffoon, idiot.
[ Groans .]
And he's a friend.
[ Gags .]
He's a typical little Englander, and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.
I just think that it would be amazing to send him around the world.
What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if, in any way, we can change his outlook on the world.
I want him to hate it.
I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.
Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick.
I am that stick.
And now I have the might of Sky behind me.
This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done, and it's gonna be great.
Just let me go! No.
[Bleep.]
First discovered by western eyes in about 1911 Machu Picchu, Peru, truly one of the seven wonders.
You must be very familiar with that.
Breathtaking.
No, I haven't heard of that.
Never heard of it? Pilkington: Good view.
Good view important.
Bit out of the way.
It's accessible by an 11-hour trek through the mountains.
Well, that's not accessible, is it? [ Laughs .]
That's true! That wouldn't cut the mustard on "Location, Location, Location," would it? You can't live like that, can you? You can't I mean, people moan at me.
Delivery drivers moan at me just 'cause I'm on the second floor.
So, if you're up there, they're gonna have a ripe whinge on by the time they get to you.
You don't seem that fazed by the fact that you got to do an 11-hour trek.
I like a walk.
I'll probably see loads of better things on the way than I do when I get there.
Uh, camping.
Yeah, camping's all right.
I mean, it's quite relaxing.
You're out in the open air.
Quite like the idea of that.
The only thing that's annoying with camping is the toilet situation.
India Hole in the ground.
It is better.
It can't possibly be better.
Why not? In China, where I thought they're advanced, they still had a hole in the ground.
That starts me main panic that I've had about this trip.
How am I gonna do it in the woods? Made this.
A little camping chair.
Put a little hole in it.
So it doesn't rip anymore, I just put staples around it.
I don't know if that's a good idea or not, 'cause I haven't had me bare ass on it yet.
It's only 8 quid.
Pop that up.
Sit down like that.
Put me toilet roll in the drinks holder Once I've used it a bit.
Looks all right, doesn't it? I mean, it's the last one, isn't it? It should be the easiest one, 'cause in my head, I'm going, "It's over now.
" So, no matter how bad it gets, I think that will keep me going.
Not happy with this.
Seriously not happy with this.
It's funny how the directors got in a different one.
I'm not getting on this.
Why's it landing on water? There's enough land here.
Chop some of the trees down.
[Bleep.]
of land.
Make another runway.
Why are we landing on this? I thought we were just going to Machu Picchu.
I've got to get on a plane.
And apparently, there's smoke.
Yeah, look, they've got the engine opened up.
Is it easily sorted? Can you fix it? No.
You can't fix it? Don't worry.
It's okay.
It's okay.
[ Engine turns over .]
Bit of banging.
We get on it.
Met the captain.
He's called George, which isn't a name that pilots normally have.
When you hear them on the speaker thing, it's normally the surnames they use and stuff.
And it's sort of a bit posh-sounding.
I've never heard, "All right, George here.
" That isn't a pilot's name, that.
[Bleep.]
Whoa! What's it doing? Every time I looked over, he seemed to have his hand on something, and this fella next to him's sort of grabbing it, going, "Don't do that.
" And he's sort of looking like, "What?" I think that's why they have doors on planes so you can't see the captain.
It has nothing to do with security.
It's just so you can't see the devil who's driving it.
'Cause it puts you on edge, doesn't it? And I looked again.
They've gotOut.
Sat there having his lunch.
It's only an hour flight.
Have it before we go or when we get there.
See, it's just little things like that that niggle me.
So, what? Are we landing down here? Where's the wonder? [Bleep.]
[ Groans .]
It just annoys me, 'cause they always say to me, "Oh, you always come across pissed off," and all that and, "People would love to do what you're doing.
" But they wouldn't, 'cause I'm constantly on edge.
I haven't slept for about 30-odd hours.
[ Grunts .]
Richard: You ever been to the jungle before? No, why would I? Why would I go to the jungle? I've never watched "Tarzan" and thought, "I'd like to go there on holiday.
" It never looks great.
It's the last one.
But that's what worries me.
It's the last one.
That's part of the problem, though, isn't it? 'Cause Ricky and Steve are going, "Let's go out on a bang.
" [ Sighs .]
These are getting on my [bleep.]
already.
What do you make of the Amazon? Is this it? I don't want to see all of it, so get that out your head.
I mean, it's no different to the Thames, is it? Pilkington: Is it a nice place where we're staying, Will? Will: This is jungle land.
We're staying in the jungle? It's getting to the end of the day, so I've got to go in the jungle.
I've got to try and sleep in the jungle.
Will: Be careful.
Have to watch where you're walking.
It has many species of dangerous things.
Pilkington: Like what? Like scorpions, tarantulas, spiders, ants.
[Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
hell.
I want to go home.
Now we are very lucky to find a place where we stay.
"Lucky"? We're lucky? We are lucky.
Come on.
Hold on [bleep.]
Will you fit over there? Will I fit on what? On that? Yes.
I can't be bothered.
What is this about? How do you know where you're going now? There's no path or anything.
You're just chopping away.
This is the place where we stay.
We'll be resting tonight in here.
This is a good place, is it? Yeah.
[ Insects chirping .]
[ Sighs .]
Richard: What do you make of the campsite? It's not a campsite.
What are you on about? Campsite.
This isn't a campsite.
I've been to campsites.
They have toilets, showers, maybe a little arcade.
A fella on a you know, on the front gate checking you've got a pass to come in.
To them at home watching it, they're going, "Don't know what all the fuss is about.
I've seen this time and time again.
" I am knackered, and I don't know how to get that across to them at home, that I'm pissed off.
[ Sighs .]
Only filmed a little bit so far.
I know, but I tell you what.
I tell you what we could do, like Attenborough does.
He's got it right.
He does a little thing at the start going, "Here I am in the Amazon.
" You never see him again.
It's all voice-over.
I bet he lands.
I bet they go, "Keep that [bleep.]
plane engine running.
" "Here I am in the Amazon.
" Then he [bleep.]
off, back off.
Back off home.
And then he sat in a studio.
"And there I was with a frog.
" Where? We never see him anymore.
He's never there with a frog in his hand.
It's always like a big close-up.
You don't know where he is.
He's at home! And I'm sat in a toilet that I've made, that I know I'll be sat here later having a [bleep.]
Thinking, "What am I doing? What am I doing?" Pilkington: I don't understand what they're thinking.
I thought Ricky and Steve were sending me to Machu Picchu, so why am I in the middle of the Amazon now? Richard: How was last night? I can't stay here again.
I can't.
I can't.
Ah [bleep.]
I can't stay here again.
I've got to move on.
I can't do the tent again.
So you might as well forget this.
At like 1:00 in the morning, 2:00 in the morning, I'm pissing into an [bleep.]
bottle.
This wasn't the plan.
This wasn't the plan.
Nothing makes sense in here.
That's the other thing.
Nothing makes sense.
Now, that's how much water I had last night.
There's a little bit left in the bottom there.
There you go.
So, how have I managed to piss that much? It doesn't add up.
I've pissed more than I've drunk.
And look at the color of it.
That isn't healthy.
I'm not a doctor, but I've never pissed like that before.
I know I'm not that old yet, but I reckon this is the lowest point of my life.
These are all right, these.
I mean, I'd eat a rodent if there was nothing else.
But it's hard to sort of sit over there and tuck down, you know, tuck into a rat, when I know I've got beans and sausage here.
It just seems a bit daft, doesn't it? I don't normally cook at home.
Leave it all to Suzanne.
The deal is, she does the cooking, and I wash up.
We've got a dishwasher now, so I don't really do anything.
Just have a wander about.
Basically I'm just showing you a tree now.
There's nothing there.
Don't be thinking that green thing's anything.
Anything? No, it's just a bit of mold.
You know, do we actually need these creatures for the world to go on? All right, that one there, I'm talking about, the one with its head down.
All right.
There you go.
He's walking over there.
Having a little wrestle with another one.
Just started a fight, so that's a bit of a hooligan, that one.
Everywhere you look, there's stuff whizzing 'round your ears all the time or crawling up your arm.
I'm just gonna get bitten a lot.
Little stick insect I just found on a tree.
In here, there's always something on me arm.
Look at that little fly stopped there, as well.
Imagine it.
Imagine being a stick insect walking about.
You'd be forever going, "Is that what's his name?" And you'd have to walk all the way up to the twig.
You know, "Oh, it's just a bloody twig again.
" It doesn't work.
"She looks nice.
I'm going over there.
All right, love.
Oh, she's a stick.
" It's hard.
It's a hard life to be a stick insect.
And what's that tree all about? Trees dangerous trees.
I was worried about scorpions and spiders and [bleep.]
[Bleep.]
tree with knives coming out of it.
I feel like I've seen the jungle now.
You know, I've had a look around.
I've seen all the insects and that, so I might as well just have another look at the Amazon.
You know, everyone seems to make a fuss about it, say, "Oh," you know, "The Amazon's nice and everything.
" What I saw of it the other day, I wasn't that impressed.
But Will wants me to go out again, so I might as well, 'cause there's nothing else to do.
There it is.
Will that come over? Will: Huh? [Bleep.]
[ Speaks native language .]
I had no idea they had dolphins swimming about.
Richard: Do you like dolphins, Karl? Um Yeah, they're all right.
It sort of gets on my nerves how people say they're really intelligent, 'cause I've never seen any of them do anything that's blown me away.
I don't know, maybe it's just the way they get raved about so much by people saying they're intelligent.
That's what annoys me.
'Cause everyone's always calling me a div.
So the fact that they're going, "Yeah, Karl's an idiot," but they go, "Yeah, dolphins are bright.
" That's all I mean.
There we go.
Whoo-hoo! Will: Be careful.
Whoa! It's the waves.
Just got me this ginger crinkle crunch.
It tastes even better, eh? Will: Come on.
What? I want to show you something.
Come on here.
What? Come on.
Is that Will? I have something to show you, I think, that you never see.
Do you see this? [Bleep.]
hell.
I think he wants to eat something.
Did you say that it's poisonous or it's not poisonous? They'll bite you, but it's not poisonous.
Again, that's no good.
So, these are the ones that wrap 'round you, and then you sort of breathe in [ gasps .]
What's that? I'm gonna stand over here a minute.
Why? You are in the jungle.
I know I am.
I wish I wasn't.
This is ridiculous, this.
Nothing's normal, is it? I had two minutes over there, sat by a fire, having a biscuit and a cup of coffee.
[ Laughs .]
And all this is going on.
Should we give it a bit of biscuit? For what? It doesn't eat biscuit.
How do you know? How do you know? Have you ever tried feeding one of them a biscuit? Well, then, you're gonna learn something, then.
Listen to me.
Watch this.
Watch this.
What? Biscuit? Okay.
Can you get a light on it? The head is over here.
I wasted a biscuit, really.
[ Insects chirping .]
The noise is doing me head in.
It's different insects going off all the time.
I mean, they say most of the jungle is nocturnal.
But I'm not surprised.
They all have to be awake through the night.
There's no chance of getting any sleep here, even if you're not a nocturnal animal.
Let's face it with this racket, I'm not gonna get any sleep, am I? Is he having a laugh? And what does he mean, "They used to be cannibals"? What are they doing now, then? What happens if it's just, I'm, like, a rare delicacy that triggers something off? "We haven't had a white man for years.
" Before you know it, they're giving it all this "hey, hey, hey" 'round the fire, me sat in a pot.
What am I gonna do? Richard: You're worrying too much.
"Worrying too much"? Just gonna stay with some cannibals.
Make you feel you know, feel at home.
[Bleep.]
me.
I haven't got a problem.
If I got hungry, I'd quite happily eat human.
There's no difference.
They say it tastes like pork anyway.
Say if they took the lid off and it was just a foot and they sort of said, "Have a bit," I'd almost be a bit like, "I want to know a bit about the person first.
" In the same way that we do with chickens.
Everything's got to be, "Is it organic? "Where's this been brought up? What field has it been on? What's it been eating?" I'd be a bit like that.
I'd want an organic foot.
I'd want to know the history of it.
Did he have athlete's foot? How often did he change his sock? Just a little bit of something that goes, "Yeah, this is a nice foot.
It's worth eating.
" All right, didn't wave back, so they don't know what that means, or they hate me already.
I don't know.
Nothing.
Nothing again.
I'm not doing that again.
It's embarrassing.
It's like asking someone's name three times and not hearing them.
Are they smiling, even? This is proper, isn't it? This is, like, proper tribe.
[Bleep.]
Have they seen me? What a knobhead I look.
What a way for them to see me.
This Are they up there? Aw, they're all watching as well.
There's some stairs there.
You think they would have sorted this out for me if they knew I was coming.
Do I want the bags yet? Oh, right.
Okay.
He's glad to see the back of us, isn't he? See ya, then.
Look at him.
He can't get out of here quick enough.
He knows more than I do, obviously.
Look at him.
Not hanging about, no waving.
Raymond.
Raymond.
Anyone watching at home, he does do tours.
Hello.
[ Speaks native language .]
How you doing? [ Speaks native language .]
Yeah.
Hey.
How are you doing? How do you say "hello," again? "Hello.
" The chiefAround? Presidente.
Presidente? Presidente.
This is gonna be hard work.
Pilkington: See, I don't like that.
I don't like the big all the attention.
That's one of the reasons I haven't got married.
All that folk everyone's looking at me.
You don't know where to look.
It's like, "What's going on?" [ Man speaks native language .]
All right, what's he saying, Aldo? [ Speaks native language .]
What? What's that? Hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on a minute.
Aldo: "Where are you coming?" That's what he say.
"Why am I coming"? "Where are you coming?" I'm coming here.
Ricky and Steve, my friends, asked me to stay here on the way to Machu Picchu.
[ Speaks native language .]
I've just been explaining to the fella here that I'm on my way to Machu Picchu.
Need somewhere to sleep on my way.
I'm gonna be staying here in a tent.
All right, let's all let's get on with it.
We've all got stuff to do.
[ Sighs .]
God.
There's a woman with an ax.
Right.
And she's not wearing the stuff.
It's like she didn't want to join in.
It's mad, isn't it? No matter where you live, there's a nutter.
Whether it's on a council estate in Manchester, London, in the jungle.
There's always one who doesn't want to join in.
Swinging an ax about.
[ Thunder rumbles .]
Looks like it's gonna Chuck it down.
Richard: No one else seems to be showering.
I know.
I don't understand why.
This is brilliant.
I mean, surely, this is They believe in nature and stuff, don't they? That you use what God gives you? I mean, I don't know.
I just made that up.
They haven't said anything like that, but I imagine that's what they do.
[ Rooster crows .]
Is it alive? The way it's just left there.
It's not looking good for it, is it? I don't live here, but I'm guessing things aren't looking good for it.
But I don't want to say, "Don't do that.
It's cruel.
" 'Cause they'll go, "Okay, we'll go back to our old times, then.
Get in the pot.
" So, if it's me or that, I'll let them have that.
Pilkington: Don't you want the head? You'd love that, wouldn't you? You'd love to eat that.
I saw you cutting it off.
You cut it off.
You eat it.
Well, can you let them know that I don't feel like I should take the food from them? Aldo: Everybody wants you just to try.
But you're not telling them what I'm saying.
This is the one time I need you to explain.
I don't think I should eat.
I shouldn't take food off them.
I'm not actually a meat-eater.
I don't eat meat.
Vegetarian.
What are they doing for pudding? What's happening? What's happening, Aldo? I didn't think I'd see that today you know, a fella getting poison off a frog.
They believe that, if they stick it on you, gives you extra energy to go off and hunt, stuff like that.
It's all about up there, isn't it? You know, I mentioned me auntie Nora, with the amount of drugs she's on.
If she was here, she'd be up for that.
She'd go, "Oh, I haven't had that.
"What are you mixing there? Toad and a bit of spit? Oh, I want to try that.
" If it hasn't been tested on animals, it's been tested on me auntie Nora.
So, what? The just-burned end of a stick.
And now they're putting the toad sweat and man spit on it.
Does that hurt? "Aah! Aah!" Does that hurt? Aldo: It make you feel dizzy.
Why do you want that? Why do you want to feel dizzy? [ Gagging .]
I'm gonna be sick in a minute.
[ Gags .]
[ Speaks native language .]
Hello.
No, I'm okay now.
I'm full of life.
I'm great.
Can you let him know I'm full of energy? Tell him now.
I have that.
Mmm! Sod off! [ Laughter .]
I'm not having it done.
Come on, let's go hunting.
Oh, God.
See what's happening here.
Keep walking.
Keep walking.
Is this for the hunting, or is she just a bit forward? And the women came over, put a bit of makeup on me, made me look like a Jaguar.
That's the idea.
Why did I bother having a shower yesterday? Hang on.
Little Johnny, picking his arrows This for the championship.
That's what I do in me head, sort of build it up like it's important.
This for £100,000.
And he's got it.
[ Laughter .]
Anyway, they had a go.
They were good.
I had a go.
I was [bleep.]
I must have had about 9 or 10 goes.
[ Groans .]
Well, people were starting to leave.
[ Groans .]
I can't do it.
Can't do it.
Looks like they're going hunting.
I thought they would have said to me, "Do you want to just come?" Even if they didn't want me there.
I know I wasn't that great this morning with the arrows.
They didn't even sort of sneak off and say, "Look, we're gonna leave him behind 'cause he's useless.
"Let's just go one at a time.
Let's not make a big deal out of our hunt.
" The whole village came out again to see them off.
That's another thing, as well, about tribes that I read before I come here.
They only count up to three Because they don't need a higher number.
I read that.
Come here.
Honestly, you'll like this.
You'll love it.
You're the red.
Right? These are all yours.
'Cause they live in a world where they don't deal with mass.
It's all like, "You want a chicken leg?" "Yeah.
" "How many do you want?" "I'll have two.
" He's not got it, has he? So Now watch.
Right? So I win.
Whee! "Have you been out hunting?" "Yeah.
" "How many chickens did you get?" "I got three.
" "What, is that all we've got?" "No.
Harry got two.
" "Oh, so we got three and two.
Oh, great.
" They don't need to go higher than that.
Which is why they probably don't understand connect four.
Come on, someone else have a go.
This fella looks serious.
He's got sort of an intelligent kid's haircut.
[ Beeps .]
Gervais: Ohhhh.
Richard: Karl? Eh? I think they want you to pay for all the gifts you've been given.
Can you get Aldo to tell these I haven't got any money? 'Cause it's a bit awkward, this.
It doesn't translate.
Anything.
Aldo: You have to give them back.
All right.
I'll give them back.
But it's not 'cause I don't want them.
It's because I just haven't got any money.
See, I don't have any money.
They don't give me any money.
I thought they wouldn't take them off me.
It seems like a bad ending now.
It's all gone a bit downhill now.
I haven't got any money.
Pilkington: Basically, I've got to get on a plane and get over to a place called Cusco to start the walk up to Machu Picchu, which is fine by me, 'cause we're getting closer and closer.
Just, you know just get on with it.
Just waiting for a plane.
Weird, though, isn't it? People at home will be going, "But you're in a bus stop.
" I'm not.
The airport.
Where is the runway? Richard: Just over there, I think.
That field.
[ Chuckles .]
It's not an airport, then, is it? It's a bloke who's built a hut and got his lawnmower out.
Is it safe? It just seems a bit mad that they've got planes when they haven't got runways.
I wasn't even aware of this, that it's like 30% less oxygen.
I've never heard of that.
So, that's gonna wear me out, isn't it? They don't tell you that, do they? "Come and see the wonder and suffocate to death.
" I mean, I know the wonder is meant to take me breath away.
Not like this.
[ Panting .]
Richard: They've got oxygen over there.
They've got what? You can buy oxygen in reception.
Is it like do they have, like, a little cupboard, like the fridge that they have, where they charge you ridiculous amounts for a bottle of water? Up there, they'll have a cupboard full of oxygen, and they know if you're in there going [wheezes.]
.
You're not gonna be going, "How much? [ Wheezing .]
Forget it.
" You're gonna pay how much What price do you put on a bottle of air if you need it? I bet they've they've got a right scam going on here.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Yeah, just about.
Just left there yesterday.
Just in Cusco.
Yeah, well, I'm not doing any more of this, so you can tell them no.
Don't wait for me to get home.
Just say, "He's not interested.
He's been around the world now.
He's seen it all.
He's done everything.
" Knock it on the head.
I've been through a load of [bleep.]
here.
Tell them now.
Call them now and tell them that we're not doing series 2.
Nip that in the bud.
See, you've got me heart going more now.
[ Laughs .]
Apparently, it's a tradition that, if you're going on a long walk, like I'm about to do, that I'm not in the mood for, it's good to see this doctor.
He blesses your body, checks out that you're well, and gets you ready for the trek ahead.
So, I meet this bloke, a local fella called Richard.
Tiny.
Thinking he's miles away.
Turns out he's about 4 foot, so he seemed further away than he actually was.
Richard, yeah? I'm Karl.
Karl.
Karl, yeah.
How are you feeling? UmSick.
Yeah? [Bleep.]
Yeah.
Headache.
He got out, like, this bag of [bleep.]
Bits of grass, plastic things.
You know, when you have a bowl at home, and you go, "I might need that," and, like, you chuck things in it screws, bits of cotton, string, belly-button fluff, whatever.
It's like he'd been 'round and gone and emptied all the [bleep.]
bowls around the country and stuck it in a bag.
[ Speaks native language .]
He got out a Guinea pig at one point.
I'm not quite sure what was going on.
Does it bite? Yeah.
He does? Yeah.
But when you've seen a doctor who's using string and old earbuds and stuff, you kind of think, "The Guinea pig's probably got more of an idea of what's wrong with me than this fella has.
" I wanted a second opinion from him you know what I mean? from the Guinea pig.
[ Guinea pig squealing .]
I don't quite understand what's happening here.
Your Guinea pig.
He said all the badness that was in me was transferred to the Guinea pig.
So, somewhere, there's a Guinea pig walking around with major [bleep.]
[ Train whistle blows .]
So, this way? Keep going? All right? You ready? Do we have to bring all this stuff? [Bleep.]
It's like going out with me mum.
She stops at every shop.
Richard: You enjoying the walk, Karl? No.
'Cause I'm not well, am I? Not well.
It's too hot.
[ Panting .]
That bit of toffee you gave me has worn out.
Have you got any more? I'm not in the mood for this.
Just tell us which way it is.
There's no way anyone will be watching this going, "That looks pleasant.
" You'll see once you go in there.
Definitely not.
How can I enjoy it after this? Or is it meant to work that way? That, you know, you're just happy to be there.
God almighty.
He said loads of people do this.
I haven't seen anyone.
How much better is it? How much better is Machu Picchu compared to that? Richard: Don't you think it's amazing that they made these kind of buildings, and it's just gonna get better? I think you're talking [bleep.]
because I'm not looking for a house there.
This isn't a property program, is it? I'm not gonna go, "Just like this, just something with a bit more outside space.
" What am I doing it for? If it's exactly like this, let's stop here.
[ Sighs .]
Doesn't make sense, though, 'cause these things they're living in look like bungalows.
But what's the point if you got to keep doing this? You might as well have a house with stairs.
Bit more pleasant.
[ Pipes playing .]
[Bleep.]
sake.
[ Man speaking native language .]
I don't get it.
Why don't they just want to rest? They've been walking up there with all these bags, out of breath, and now they're wasting breath, just making a racket.
I mean, that doesn't even sound nice to me.
That's not relaxing.
They're all doing their own thing here.
[ Speaks native language .]
I mean, I had a cassette of pure moods, like panpipe stuff, used to sort of make a bit of a romantic evening.
Didn't sound like that.
And there certainly wasn't a rat involved.
[ Music stops .]
[ Sighs .]
Thank God for that.
[ Music resumes .]
I'm gonna keep walking.
All right.
Enjoy your dinner.
[ Panting .]
Welcome to Machu Picchu.
Thank you very much.
Nice job.
Yes.
You're having a laugh, are you? See you.
Ta-ta.
Have we done a full circle? Richard: First impressions? There isn't one.
There isn't one.
I just feel I felt like the view earlier that I saw was better than this one.
Are you sure you're looking at the right thing? That bit of grass and rock over there.
I'm not going any further.
'Cause it's more of what we've already seen, and I'm not killing meself.
I've done everything that Ricky and Steve have wanted me to do.
We need to do it anyway, Karl.
We can't Well, go, then! You're standing here.
The sun's going down.
Get over there.
I'm not going.
I'll tell you now.
I'm not going anymore.
Well, I'm kind of at the wonder.
I'm at the wonder, but I've only just got here, so I've been walking about eight hours, right? Now, I'm at a point where I can see the wonder, the cameraman can see the wonder, but Richard, who's in charge, is worrying, going, "Sky wanna see the wonder.
" Have you got a problem if we just see it from here, have a look, and go? Yes.
But I've been walking for eight hours, and the view from here is magnificent.
I think it looks magnificent.
No.
No.
No.
Don't bother telling Ricky or anything.
I'll speak to him when I get back.
All right, see ya.
Yeah.
There you go, then.
See? Easy.
We'll just a David Attenborough job on it when I get home.
Just do a load of voice-over.
Job done.
70 miles from Cusco is one of the old, ancient cities of the world, a maze of old rock and sort of huts, you know, sort of rock huts, boulders, walls Lots of rock-related old stuff, you know.
Get lost in the maze.
That's an easy thing to do.
I mean, look at that old fella down there.
He needs a stepladder to get out of the place.
God knows what she's playing at.
And that's good, isn't it? Wonder of the world.
Protect it with some strings.
Why not? I mean, I'm struggling here, if I'm honest with you.
I don't know how to sell it to you.
Do you like llamas?