Animal Control (2023) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Oh, hi. I'm Betty.
I'm the broker for this listing.
Are you here for the open house?
You put my condo on the market?
Yeah, did a lot of people show up?
I priced it to move.
Betty from Orbit is very angry.
She kicked over the For sale
sign right in front of me.
Yeah, I interviewed a lot of brokers
and she was particularly unhinged.
I gave her your cell.
This is totally disproportionate
to my last prank on you.
Are you kidding me? You made
me think I had a chance with Collette.
You obviously don't have
a chance with Collette
and this could affect my credit score.
- Uh, hey. Hey guys.
- I hope so.
Can I talk to everyone really quick?
Retaliation will be outsized
and devastating
and at a time of my choosing. Okay?
- Is that now?
- I'm late. I know.
My son stuck a Lucky Charm up his nose.
- Also I slept in. I'm sorry.
- Guys!
I have just received
an intra-department memo.
It's pretty serious. An Officer
Whelon from precinct 2.1
- was hurt on the job today.
- What happened?
Apparently, he stepped on a rake
and then he fractured
his occipital bone.
Were Moe and Curly anywhere
near the scene?
- No.
- And was there a coconut sound
when the rake hit him in the face?
Okay. I just need you all to be
very careful on the job, alright?
Just, please wear your PPE, okay?
Amen, guys.
That's why we should all be
wearing our rake helmets.
Hey. Did you list your apartment?
What about?
You know, this is my first weekend
since the breakup with Camila
where I wasn't completely miserable.
I think I might have turned a corner.
You know, you don't want
to heal too fast.
There's something to be said
for staying in that sad,
very, very quiet space.
For a couple of months even.
Well, seems like you had a good weekend.
Kudos on the prank with Victoria.
Thanks, I didn't get much sleep
'cause I was falsifying
tons of documents.
You guys go at it.
I love the dark flirting.
- The what?
- Dark flirting.
It's like you have this love language
of humiliation and revenge.
We're not flirting, we're just
coworkers goofing around
to kill time at the office.
Got it. Totally.
Though the prank did happen
at her condo on a Sunday.
Truck 12, report of a
noise disturbance for a peacock
in a residential neighborhood,
1214 Hidden Lane.
Truck 12 responding.
Peacock!
I know it's a prank, but it's
not a terrible time for you to sell.
- Oh, really?
- Market's gonna soften.
Be a good time for you to get liquid.
Play in other sectors.
Maybe mix use warehouses.
I'm not sure how much
I like real estate, Patel.
He's always working an angle.
I just don't want you to miss out.
See? Stuff like that. How does
Maya feel about real estate, Patel?
Certainly doesn't mind making
a little extra cheddar.
Ugh.
Hi. Animal Control.
- Yeah.
- Three guesses why we're here.
I just put the peacock in the backyard.
The neighbors complain again?
I told them, all you have to
do is call me if it gets too loud
I hope you're here
to confiscate that bird.
Why don't you take it easy, Jen?
You take it easy, Brent.
- Get in the truck.
- Why?
It's about to go south.
- They are just people.
- They're not people, they're neighbors.
- Get in the truck.
- Do something about it!
Okay, folks, I recently got out
of a long-term relationship.
Why didn't it work? A lot of reasons.
Cultural differences, distance,
but mainly, we talked past each other.
So let's not do that, okay?
Brent's already said if
the peacock gets too loud
- he can just call him.
- Well Brent's a liar.
Why don't you say that again, Ted?
- Oh!
- That bird's gotta go!
No, guys! Everybody calm down!
Stop! I'm telling you to stop.
Oh!
Ughhh!
Jeez.
You alright?
Melons?
My god, Jen.
Okay.
Really, I'm fine.
This is exactly what
I was worried about.
Shred, I really think you need
to go to the hospital.
They're just gonna tell me
to follow concussion protocols.
I've been through this before.
Rest for 12 hours and try not to sleep.
Someone should watch him.
Like a partner?
Like one, but not exactly one.
- I'll do it.
- What are you trying to get out of at home?
Sixth grader slumber party.
Eight girls, three cliques,
there will be no winners.
Are you gonna take his care seriously?
Totally. What platforms
you working with?
Xbox, Playstation.
That'll do. You like Thai food?
- Not really.
- You're probably just ordering wrong.
I'll walk you through it. Let's roll.
Okay, no strobing lights, though!
He's in good hands.
Oh, my gosh.
Dispatch is getting inundated
with complaints about the peacock.
- Can't we just confiscate the bird?
- Good luck.
We can't take the bird
unless it makes noise
for three continuous minutes
and it has to be recorded.
We all know where this is going, right?
Stakeout. Like on the force.
Yeah, I always hated
the rampant corruption
but I always loved a stakeout.
A stakeout. Sure.
Um, you should probably team up
with someone on this though.
No. He looks way too excited.
Great. I'll need an unmakes car
with hideaway lights
- and a trucker buddy.
- I don't know what that is.
Portable urinal.
I'll go change into my streets.
- I'm sorry.
- No. No, no, no.
He can't just urinate
with me in the car.
I hope he doesn't.
Dude, watch your six. Watch your six!
I thought you were watching my six.
- You're dead.
- My brains are everywhere.
That's a concussion
you don't recover from.
- Try the wings.
- Okay. I've never had one of these.
A little spicy.
- Woah! Whoa! Wait!
- Ride the beast.
- No. This is hot!
- Ride the beast.
- No, I want water, man.
- No! Eat something.
That'll put it out.
The curry's probably a bad call though.
Ugh! Ow! Why does this exist, man?!
- That's very spicy.
- Who eats this?
- Eat the rice.
- The Rice? Oh.
You bastard, dude. It's so hot.
What the hell?
- Wait for it.
- For what?
Oh! Whoah!
- I feel all buzzy.
- That's the endorphins kicking in.
Your mouth just stuck a half pipe, bro.
- You got anything hotter?
- You warrior. I love it.
Just so you know, there is
a second surge wave coming.
It's gonna hit land in about six hours.
- I'm not worried about it.
- You should be.
Shall we clear the Al-Qaeda cell
from downtown Dayton?
Let's show Ohio what is up.
Bro, you need to stay with me this time.
Are you expecting someone?
No. Protect my guy.
He's fast, but he's not strong.
It's so fun!
- Emily?
- Hey. Can I come in?
- Of course, yeah. Come on.
- Okay.
I was worried about you.
- Why?
- Bro!
You just got another
traumatic brain injury.
Oh, hey Emily.
Patel! What loud music?
Bright strobing lights? Violent images?
- Are you kidding me?
- What? No, he's fine. Right, bro?
I think the second wave's hitting early.
Thai food.
Ah, journaling your thoughts
with a pen and paper. That's cute.
I always figured that we're
not of the same generation.
- How was the war?
- I am logging in my log book.
- This is so dumb.
- Time in.
- What?
- Start clocking the squawks.
Okay.
Remember, we need to record
three straight minutes
of squawking for the lawyers.
Man, I love all animals
but what exactly is the upside
to this pet?
Time.
Seven seconds.
Oh. This could be a very long night.
Oh, we gotta go over the ground rules.
There's really only one rule,
which is no pranking on stakeouts.
- Why?
- It's just a request.
- Would you please respect it?
- Sure.
- You're not gonna respect it.
- No, I'm not.
- What are you doing?
- Oh my gosh!
A little big jumpy there, Frank.
Don't forget to write
that in your log book.
"8:07PM, Frank has the yips."
Okay. How are you feeling?
- I'm really okay.
- No headaches or nausea?
- Touché!
- Patel!
I'm so sorry.
You are officially fired as nurse.
Alright, you can go home.
We were actually having fun.
- Yeah.
- Fun is not the primary objective.
It's to avoid a seizure.
I'm almost sure I haven't had a seizure.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure he hasn't
had a seizure.
- Definitely not a major one.
- Yeah, I, no
Well, I can take it from here.
I cleared my night.
Oh, wait. Now I feel bad.
- Did you have big plans?
- Yeah, I did.
I don't want to go into details,
but they were substantial plans.
- That sounds made up.
- It's not made up.
Well I can't go home.
The girl's slumber party!
Oh yeah. We've been
following it on social media.
The Kaitlyn and Lucile thing
came to a head
- and guess where Rose ended up?
- Yep.
- On the outs.
- The outs.
Alright. Well, if you are going to stay
then we all need to be mellow and chill.
Okay. How chill?
Like, um Like board game chill.
Sounds great. Shred, go
and prepare the funeral.
- For the buzz?
- For the buzz.
- French fry?
- Sprinkled with laxatives? No thanks.
If it was laced with laxatives
wouldn't I have gotten you your own bag?
You tell me.
The stakeout was really sudden
so you could have a ton
of dangerous ideas in the works
but not had a chance
to think them through.
What is wrong with you?
Why are you so obsessed with pranks
when being on the receiving
end is clearly torture for you.
I'm not obsessed.
It's just something I've always done.
Being on the force,
growing up with brothers.
Easy access to fireworks.
It's not my theory.
- You got a theory?
- I do. It's a simple one, but yeah.
- Okay.
- You have intimacy issues.
And pranks are a way to keep
people at arms length.
- Intimacy issues?
- Yeah.
How sad. It's just pure projection.
It's very lazy police work,
Officer Sands.
Okay, that is not projection.
I get intimate two to three
times a week.
Sometimes more in summer months.
Maybe it's not actual intimacy
and it's just you trying to fill
a bottomless well of need.
Oh, wow. Kitty got claws.
Look, stakeouts can get pretty real
and they can be powerful moments
Please stop talking.
I don't want to talk.
And I'm freezing.
Doesn't this thing have heat?
Yeah, right here.
Got ya! Oh, my gosh!
That went even better than planned.
Talc? That's the big prank?
You should see your face.
You know, if I could see it,
it would be a look of
profound disappointment
because, where's the pageantry?
Where the intricate planning?
There should be bees
coming out of the vent.
Yeah, I know it's old school
but you didn't see it coming.
Time in. Start the clock.
Here we go.
You're a jackass.
Okay, this is gonna be so much fun.
Does everyone have their tea?
Yay.
I am gonna have to
call dibs on this thimble.
Oh. I've always been a wheelbarrow man.
- Really?
- Mmhmm.
How married are we to this music?
Yeah, is this, uh, folk? Elevator folk?
- Is that a thing?
- What is it?
It's a playlist off
the restorative channel.
Well, I'm battling 11 years
of parenting exhaustion
and I'm gonna need some stimulus here.
Have some tea, bro.
Yeah, get some dandelion up in you.
- It's good, right?
- It is.
Oh god.
Just ten more seconds!
2:53, 2:54 2:55-
Ugh!
You have got to be kidding me.
This bird is good.
Hey, uh, sorry about the
bottomless well of need comment.
I have no business knocking you
for wanting to enjoy your life.
I have fun. But it does get exhausting.
I've been waking up pretty
wretched the morning after.
That's called a hangover, and they
only get worse when you get older.
You know, I always give you crap
about your age.
- Hm.
- But I don't even see you as old.
Okay. Whatever.
I need caffeine, so I'm gonna head
around the corner to the gas station
and get us a coffee.
Yeah, yeah that sounds
pretty good, rookie.
Dang. Baltic Ave again.
Oh. Patel, I owe you more rent.
Patel?
Mm.
Hey. Hey.
Okay, he's like totally asleep.
Poor guy ran around like a top
and just tuckered himself out.
You know, he's
actually a really fun guy.
Well, maybe he can still be fun.
- What are you thinking?
- Well, I am annoyed at him
that he dropped the ball
on taking care of you
and the depth of his slumber is,
um an opportunity.
Emily Middle Name Price.
What'd you have in mind?
A big L on the forehead?
You know what? I'm gonna surprise you.
And you.
Ah Ugh Ah
Oh, come on. Wake up, leg. Come on.
What?
Are you Ebeneezer Dawkins?
I'm Frank Shaw with Animal Control.
- Do you have some ID?
- Sure.
- Could you come with me?
- What's going on?
Now don't get agitated,
I'm trying to help you.
Okay. Ah, ooh. There it is again.
Ah! I can't sit for that long anymore.
There was a silver alert
put out earlier this evening
for an Ebeneezer Dawkins
matching your description
with possible dementia
who wandered off from a seniors centre.
Just look at my ID.
Yeah, that's you, Ebeneezer Dawkins.
That clearly this is a fake ID.
My partner must have made it.
Do I look 79?
Let me me get you
in the light here, buddy.
Yeah, you're more like, you know, 60.
What?
- That was worth it all.
- Hey, what's going on here?
Just a whole lot of gratitude
for first responders like you.
- Be careful, it's hot.
- That's my partner,
we're Animal Control and clearly
she is pulling a prank.
Oh, you're kidding me?
It's a crime to send out a fake
alert, you know that, right?
I do now.
But I feel like you're probably
gonna let me get away with it.
That's true.
- Don't do it again.
- Me?
- Bye.
- Good night.
And now, I am getting texts
from like everyone.
Oh yeah, an alert went out
to the entire state.
Western Canada too.
Time.
You gonna be snippy all
night because I bested you?
Time!
A minute, thirty.
What the hell was that?
It's him. It's C-38.
I think we solved our peacock problem.
Not the best solution,
because he ate it.
And now we have to sedate him.
- I can't do it.
- You're just sedating him.
No, we tranq him
then we have to report it
and that he's been killing pets
in a residential area then
they'll have to destroy him.
Well, he doesn't seem so
un-dangerous right now.
I can't.
Frank!
That's actually really good.
I can't believe he didn't wake up.
I kind of want to check his vitals.
I was wondering something.
What? What's that?
Do you ever, like, miss snowboarding?
No.
I mean, I got to do more of it
than most people get to do
in a lifetime,
so how can I complain, right?
And what is it anyway?
You go up a hill in a chair
and then you go back down the hill.
Except your body's like a rocket ship
if a rocket ship could surf
and mountains were like
10,000 foot-high waves.
You sound completely over it, so
- Yeah.
- That's good. That's good.
Yeah. Yeah, no. I don't miss it at all.
Mmhmm. So, I actually have
one more question for you.
Hm?
Do you have a feather?
Do I have a feather?
- I'm sorry.
- Heck, you were just
trying to save my life.
Yeah, which you still haven't
said thank you for, by the way.
Hm.
This is really tearing you up, huh?
Yeah. Not a lot in this world I admire.
C-38? It's just who he is.
Doesn't apologize, doesn't compromise.
Just a creature in perfect
harmony with his surroundings.
And then people came
and messed it all up.
It kills me I'm the one that did him in.
Who's to say you did him in?
I reckon he'll be safe up here.
Wow, in this light you can
really see how muscled he is.
Seriously, if you want
some alone time with him
I can wait in the truck.
He's waking up.
Bye, buddy.
Oh!
Ugh. I'm sorry.
I must have fallen asleep.
Yeah. You were you were in and out.
What time is it?
Uh, it's almost midnight.
Oh. I better go relieve Maya.
- You okay, man?
- Oh, yeah. I'm all good.
Obviously I only came here
to get away from my family
and play with your stuff,
but this was good.
- It really was.
- And you, Madame Boss Lady,
- I'm sorry we gave you a hard time.
- Don't worry about it, Luigi.
Maybe just leave the jokes to us.
- Yeah.
- Alright, I gotta go lay down the law
with some incredibly
mean-spirited sixth graders.
Good night.
Good night.
You know that if they find out
about this we could lose our jobs?
Yeah. So, here we find ourselves
having to trust each other.
Which I know is hard for you
with the intimacy stuff.
It is a very unnatural feeling.
Maybe we should call it
a truce on the prank war?
- Absolutely.
- Right.
- Victoria Sands?
- Starting tomorrow.
Ready to talk enlistment?
I'm not even a US citizen.
Oh I don't think you'll see combat,
but I just want to say, in advance,
thank you for your service.
Where are you going? No, don't
You know, I'm actually
kind of jealous of Patel's moustache.
- Do you want one?
- Well, I can't seem to grow one
and Camila always made fun of me for it.
Okay, well the artist is in session.
- Really?
- Oh, yes.
- Do it.
- Okay. Look at you.
- Just sit really still so I don't mess up.
- Okay, I'm ready.
This is serious.
You know, I never asked you.
How did you end up getting
the job at Animal Control?
It's kind of embarrassing.
Uh, I was an administrator
at another precinct
and when Rick got injured,
um, my aunt who works for
the City kind of pushed for me
to get the promotion.
I don't think that makes
you unqualified.
Oh, good, 'cause, you know,
I wasn't worried about that,
but now I am.
No! No, no, no! Oh, jeez.
No, 'cause you're
like so good at your job.
- Oh, yeah.
- You're like a natural leader.
For real. Really.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
Okay, shut up so I can just finish this.
- Okay.
- Alright, it's even.
- It's good?
- Okay, it's really good.
Okay. I should get that.
Yeah.
Patel must have forgotten something.
Surprise.
Camila?
Did you grow a moustache?