Animaniacs (2020) s01e07 Episode Script


[THEME SONG PLAYING]
It's time for Animaniacs ♪
And we're zany to the max ♪
So just sit back and relax ♪
You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
- Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
- And the Warner Sister Dot ♪
Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪
They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪
But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪
Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
Our careers have made comebacks ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
Meet Pinky and the Brain
who want to rule the universe ♪
A brand new cast who tested well
in focus group research ♪
Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪
And ethnically diverse ♪
The trolls will say we're so passé
but we did meta first ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
You should see our new contracts ♪
We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪
We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪
Execs must be crazy! ♪
Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪
[♪♪♪]
[TRAIN CHUGGING]
[WHISTLING]
[UPPER-CLASS MUSIC]
[BUMP, SLURP]
WARNERS: Mm?
- [BUMP, SLURP]
- [GRUMBLE]
[BUMP, SPLASH]
[SLURPING]
[CHEWING]
Oh, darling!
[SPOON CLATTERING]
Look there. Is that celebrated detective
Hercule Yakko?
[BARKING]
Oh!
Is Gigi scared of the nice detective?
Oh, sweet Gigi.
[BARKING]
[♪♪♪]
- [SCREAMING]
- [PLATE BREAKING]
- [BARKING]
- [CLATTERING]
- Oh, Gigi, you scamp.
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[BARKING, SPLASH]
Hey,
I didn't order the chicken poodle soup!
- [COMMOTION CONTINUES]
- Control that dog or it's likely to be
murdered.
WARNERS: Whoa! Huh?
[GASP]
[ALL GASP]
[SLURP]
Oh, sorry! I mean muzzled.
I always get my "M" words mangoed.
I mean Mondayed!
I mean muddled. Pip pip!
[♪♪♪]
[DOG BARKING]
That's it. I gotta go see
a woman about a dog.
Aw, can't you just hold it
and talk to Gigi's owner first?
Fine.
- [DOG BARKING]
- Excuse me!
[WIND BLOWING]
Hi.
- [FLAPPING]
Can you tell your dog
to put a sock in it, please?
Some of us are trying
to lie quietly in bed,
contemplating the brief
nature of our existence.
Gigi will express
herself as she sees fit.
Be gone!
[POP]
[BARKING CONTINUES]
Ugh. Just start the white noise machine.
[CRANKING]
[IMITATES WHITE NOISE]
[SIGHS]
[SNORING]
[WHITE NOISE, SNORING, BARKING]
[♪♪♪]
[TRAIN CHUGGING, WHISTLING]
[WHITE NOISE]
[BARKING]
[SNORING]
- [HEART POUNDING]
- [KETTLE WHISTLING]
- [GLASS BREAKS]
- [SCREAMING]
[SCREAM ECHOING]
[RUMBLING]
[SCREAMING]
[WHISTLE DISTORTING]
[♪♪♪]
Ah. Finally, some peace and quiet.
[CHOMP, POUNDING]
- [DOOR CREAKS]
- [GULP]
You there!
Stop that nonsense and get in here!
What seems to be the problem, conductor?
There's been a meatball!
A manicure! No!
A murder!
On a kids' show?
Well, at the very least, a dog napping.
[WAILING]
Oh, Gigi! She's gone!
[COLLAR JINGLING]
This looks like a case
for celebrated detective
Hercule Yakko!
I feel like we've been here before.
Yeah, well that's how
we make television in 2020.
[JAZZY MUSIC]
Reboot!
May I be of assistance, madam?
Oh yes! Inspector Yakko,
your reputation precedes you.
Ah, so you already know
I tend to get ahead of myself.
He did it! No, she did it!
See what I mean?
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Oh!
[♪♪♪]
Ah-ha! I've got it!
This thing makes everything look bigger!
First, I was subdued
with a chloroform-soaked handkerchief.
Then, someone made off with my Gigi!
[WAILING]
Oh, no!
Was this the handkerchief?
- Hold on. Let me smell it.
- [SNORT]
Oh
[♪♪♪]
Don't look at me!
I mean, actually,
I do want everyone to look at me!
This is one of my most dramatic poses.
Did you, Dot Warner, dog-nap Gigi?
Never! I lost that handkerchief
last night doing close magic, remember?
Okay, now watch.
Watch watch
watch watch
Watch!
Watch!
I'm watching.
It's still there.
But, where is the handkerchief?!
Ah! No! Mommy!
No! Ah! No!
Moosey mama!
I'm frightened, I'm frightened,
I'm frightened!
If you ask me, Gigi's disappearance
was an inside job!
- [GASPS]
- Yes. It's shocking.
No! I just saw a sign.
There's a Meat Cute now open at exit 196!
And what about him?
I saw him
sneaking out of our room
in the middle of the night!
[♪♪♪]
- [PROJECTOR CLICKING]
- [GASPS]
That's right!
Caught red-handed.
No, not that.
Gloria Estefan is back
[CONGA MUSIC]
at Guilty River Casino for one night only!
Why'd you leave
the bunk last night, brother?
Oh, me?
I was taking a bath.
So, no one saw you.
[CHUCKLES]
How convenient.
No, everyone saw me.
Hot washed buns,
hot washed buns ♪
Scrubbidy-dub-dub,
scrubbidy-dub-dub ♪
Hot washed buns!
- [CLEARS THROAT]
This punchline is taking far too long.
- [PROJECTOR CLICKING]
- I'll say.
This episode feels like
it's all setup and no payoff.
Besides, you're the one
with dog hair on his jacket.
[DRAMATIC STING]
[ALL GASP]
Looks like I'm my own prime suspect!
I can't believe you were under
my nose the whole time!
Under it, behind it, attached to it.
Where were you the night Gigi disappeared?
I was with you!
With me?
That's right! With we!
- Are you following this?
- Absolutely not.
I'm beside it.
You're not gonna pin this on me!
Wanna bet?
- [TABLE SMASHES]
[GRUNTING, STRUGGLING] Stay down
[LUCHADOR MUSIC]
Come on now.
We can talk this out.
You always take his side!
Yeah, you're always doing that.
- It's the same side!
[GRUNTING, STRUGGLING, WHEEZE]
[♪♪♪]
Well, if you didn't take Gigi,
and you didn't take Gigi
And I didn't take Gigi!
I know, I know. Then, who did?
There must be some
other evidence in here.
Let's do some police work!
You know,
tear the room apart and put
nothing back where we found it.
Agreed!
[TOSSING OBJECTS]
[METAL SCRAPING]
[SPARKLING, WOMAN SCREAMING]
Finding anything?
- Just a lot of red herrings.
And all I found is this piece of paper
where somebody wrote
the alphabet out of order
and added a bunch of spaces.
It's a letter from Gigi!
"Hey everyone. It's me, Gigi.
"Yes, I can write. What's it to you?
"Please do not bother looking for me,
"I ran away of my own volition.
"At the age of 70 dog years,
I was confronted by own Mortadella."
ALL: Mortadella?!
I think she means mortality.
Oh, there's more. "P. S.
I definitely haven't been stuffed
in the luggage compartment."
[BANG]
- [WHIMPERING]
- Hm
Who do we know that
messes up their "M" words?
That's right!
It was Margaret!
I mean me! It was me.
[THUNDER]
[SCREAMING]
But why'd you do it, Margaret?
Why? I'll tell you why.
A mop that mummified merrily missed
Mississippi on the black mamba!
- What?
- Hold on.
I think I know what
Margaret's trying to say.
"A mutt that manicured
might make millions on the black market."
- Oh!
- Oh!
And now, I'm gonna murder you.
Oh no!
What's he gonna do to us?
Murder. I got it right that time.
[OVERLAPPING CONGRATULATIONS]
We all chipped in and got you
a little something-something.
Go ahead and open it.
- [GROWLING, BARKING]
- [SCREAMING]
[STRUGGLING] Somebody get
this little monster trucker off me!
Ooh! I think he meant mo--
No, no, no.
Not in front of the kids.
[HISSING, BELL RINGING]
Well, another case
successfully solved by the great
What's my name in this sketch?
The Great Yakkini?
Something like that. Whatever.
- Gigi!
[♪♪♪]
[BARKING]
- [SLURPING]
- [LAUGHING, GROANING]
Oh! Did poopy miss her moopy?
Oh, you did, didn't you?
Oh, yes.
[CRUNCHING]
[REGURGITATING]
Yecch. The people you meet
on public transportation.
Yeah, so gross.
Are you gonna finish that?
[♪♪♪]
[BAROQUE MUSIC]
- [OMINOUS BELL]
- Boy, oh, boy!
I'm 1700s hungry!
I could literally eat a horse right now.
[WHINNYING]
Hey! Let's take a raw potato break.
- [STRAINING]
- [POP]
Mine's got all the fixin's!
Dirt, dust, mud, and soil!
[WIND BLOWING]
[SQUEAK]
[SLURPING]
WAKKO: Joke's on you guys!
I found some mutton!
- [CHOMP]
- [BAA]
[KICK, BELL RINGS]
[HORSE NEIGHING]
Hey, look!
It's the royal carriage!
And that's Marie Antoinette!
[REGAL MUSIC]
Woo-hoo!
[FRENCH ACCENT]
I'm queen of ze world!
[FRENCH ACCENT]
Marie, dear!
Perhaps you should stay seated.
You're going to get yourself decapitated.
- Never!
Woo-hoo!
[CLATTER, DING]
ALL: Ooh!
Mm!
Is this what non-dirt-based
food tastes like?
It's fantastic!
[CHOMP]
- Don't eat it all at once, Wakko!
[TEETH SHATTERING]
We might never have something
so scrumptious again!
[SLURP, POP]
[GASP, CHOMP]
- Maybe not, but I think
I know how we can get more.
[♪♪♪]
[SPLAT]
Need a hand, Your Majesty?
Merci.
[SQUISHING]
[ZOOMING]
ALL: Wow
[SPARKLING]
Look at this spread!
Ladyfingers, finger sandwiches,
and foods without any fingers at all!
[SLURP, SPLAT]
[HEAVENLY MUSIC]
[CREAKING]
MARIE: Oh, zere you are!
WARNERS: Huh?
Lazy servants.
Quelle horreur! It is 'ot today.
Can zomebody turn on ze fan?
[SLURP, OINKING]
But of course, Your Majesty!
It iz so 'ard to be queen zese days!
I'm expected to be a mo-zer
[BABY BABBLING]
a fashion model,
and a busy-ness woman.
[TYPING, SMASH]
[SLAP]
But nobody bought
my celebrity cookbook!
My publisher said it's
because people don't have gold,
but I zink it's because everyone
wants to see me fail!
You deserve to be pampered today.
How about a mani-pedi?
[GASPS]
A splendid idea!
My cuticles, zey must stay cute!
- [WOMAN SCREAMING]
- [SQUISHING]
[♪♪♪]
Oh, you are so refined.
Not like the other aristocrats.
Why, Madame du Barry
was in here just the other day,
and only tipped 5%,
and I was like, oh, honey.
Take the girl out of the Moulin Rouge,
but you can't take the Moulin Rouge
out of the girl." [LAUGHS]
- [SLOW MOTION GROAN]
- [SPLAT]
[RUMBLING, BEEPING]
[HISSING]
[POPPING]
[GROANING]
Peasants!
In my 'ouse?!
Eating my food?!
We're sorry, Your Majesty.
We were so hungry!
MARIE: Oh!
Zis is ze problem with being rich.
Your only other nickname is Dick?
No. Everybody is always wanting
what I earn through my hard work!
It is not easy being born a princess.
Otherwise, everybody would do it!
But I refuse to give anymore!
I will now, pardon my French,
make an exit, dramatique!
[WOMAN SINGING OPERA ARIA]
[♪♪♪]
Ahem. Merci.
[SLAMMING]
Uh
[BELL RINGING]
[♪♪♪]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
- [BLADE SLICES]
- [SCREAMING]
[SLICING]
[PARTY HORN]
[SLURP]
I regret nothing!
Those croque monsieurs were delicious!
[CHEERING]
Croque monsieur!
Croque monsieur!
Croques of all kinds!
CROWD: Huh?
Whoa, that bechamel sauce
was to die for!
[CONFUSED GRUMBLING]
Ooh, and remember
those sea salt caramels?
[SALIVATING]
The queen has so much delicious food.
[SLURPING, GROANING]
Why, I wish there was
a way for all of you to try it.
[♪♪♪]
[LOUD CHOMPING]
[SPLATTING]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
[KNOCKING]
[UNLATCHING]
- [SLAM]
- [YELLING]
[CHOMPING, SQUISHING]
[CROWD YELLING]
[CREAKING]
[♪♪♪]
Oh! Put me down! Put me down!
[SPLAT]
I just wanted ze people to love me.
[CRYING]
Well, Majesty, the peasants are so poor,
they can't even afford bread.
- Then let them eat cake.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING, BELLS RINGING]
WAKKO: And there it is, folks!
[GAME SHOW MUSIC]
She finally said her catchphrase!
Yakko, tell her what she's won!
Marie Antoinette,
you get an all-expenses-paid trip
to the Tuileries Palace in Paris!
- [AUDIENCE OOHING]
Where you'll remain under
house arrest until the monarchy
is abolished.
- What?
Well, that's all the time
we have today, folks.
Thanks to our celebrity guest, Marie!
And good luck at that
revolutionary tribunal, huh?
[LAUGHS] I hear they can be a real
pain in the neck! Ha ha ha!
Goodbye, everybody!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[SPARKS ZAPPING]
YAKKO: Hm.
Somehow, this doesn't look quite right.
Maybe we should've read
the instructions for the
[SWEDISH ACCENT]
"Swingy Thingy."
I think I see where this is going.
- [CREAK]
- [SCREAMING]
[SMASH]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
What's this crowd here for?
[GASPS] Is it a surprise party?
Is it my surprise party?
Should I go out and go back in again?
Oh! Don't they know I'm here?
[SCREAMING]
[CRANE WHIRRING]
Looks like they're
shooting a music video.
- But for who?
- [STOMPING]
[♪♪♪]
[AUTO-TUNED]
Yeah!
[SPARKLING]
Ohh
Uh!
I drop more plastic than
a broken mannequin ♪
I got more force than
a boy named Anakin ♪
More heart than Tony Stark,
more cash than a vault in the Vatican ♪
Probably shouldn't mention the Vatican
Gonna cut those lines
for the studio version ♪
Girlfriend trying to lock me down,
I ran like a Persian ♪
Touched for the very first rhyme ♪
And my flow's so sublime ♪
Yeah, I'm so limber ♪
I'm like Billy Joel meets Simba ♪
I've been king for the longest time ♪
I've been king for the longest time ♪
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [MUSIC STOPS]
Any questions?
I got one!
Yeah, hi, Yakko Warner.
First-time listener, short-time hater.
My question is, who are you?
[GASPING]
That's Jay-Pac Le East The Rapper!
Only the greatest wordsmith ever!
Other than Shakespeare, possibly!
You're right! Jay-Pac is objectively
better than Shakespeare!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Is this true, good sir?
Do you think yourself
better than Shakespeare?
Shakespeare?
Man, he was a sucker MC.
Hey! Nobody disses
Big Willy Shakes on my watch!
- [GASPS]
- It's a challenge!
Alright, little dog monkey man.
Let's see what you got.
[WHIRRING]
[♪♪♪]
[PLAYING LIGHT TUNE]
[CONTINUES PLAYING]
Alas, poor Jay-Pac ♪
I don't know who you're supposed to be ♪
All the world's a stage, but player ♪
Leave the stage to me ♪
To rap or not to rap ♪
That is the question ♪
It doesn't have to be like this ♪
All arrogance and aggression ♪
My boy Bill told us pride
cometh before the fall ♪
Well, you're about to
take a humble tumble ♪
Else Yakk a liar call ♪
[CLAPPING]
Hm
[SCREAMING]
[♪♪♪]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
Yo.
If Dot was my sister, I'd fire her ♪
And Wakko's even less
likable than Elmyra ♪
Spielberg oughta stick
to filming sharks ♪
Not rebooting this reboot
of Groucho Marx ♪
Hulu wrote a check
and the money beckoned ♪
But the Warners are
like a bad joke told twice ♪
If you weren't funny the first round,
why would you be the second? ♪
Wanna compare my 30 Grammys
to your eight Emmys ♪
And a Peabody?
You've been put to sleep, kid ♪
It's time to say goodnight, everybody ♪
[DROPS MIC, FEEDBACK]
- Ow!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
[DING]
Well, that was just plain mean.
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMING, SPLAT]
Ow!
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Nice try, pal.
But Wakko's wish is I deliver ♪
A killer verse,
I've been blessed or cursed ♪
With a bottomless lyrical purse
that'll make crowds disperse or worse! ♪
Require medical attention,
better get the nurse! ♪
Say goodbye to an easy battle and
hello, hearse! ♪
[SLAM]
- Woo!
- [CHEERING]
Yeah, I'm zanier than Billy,
to the max! ♪
Leader of the animated maniacs ♪
You, you're the cure for insomniacs ♪
Less fresh than
the 20-year-old baloney in my slacks ♪
We can't be axed, like Lazarus,
we just keep coming back ♪
We don't need to boast
or roast or talk smack ♪
Or rap about women, bling,
and record contracts ♪
Be honest, be cool,
and people will respect you ♪
Those are the facts, dude ♪
[♪♪♪]
[SLOW THUD]
[WHISTLING, CRASH]
[GROANING, STRAINING]
Yah!
[HISSING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
- [CROWD GASPS]
- [STOMPING]
Respect.
- [CHEERING]
- [POP, HISS]
Oh, it's too bad we used that
DeadMau5 joke in the last episode.
This would've been perfect.
Keep working your controls,
or you're going to be in danger, mouse!
Danger Mouse?
That works, too! Oh!
We've both got jokes. Narf!
[♪♪♪]