Back in Very Small Business (2018) s01e07 Episode Script
Guardian Angel
1 Oh, Ray! Sam is drunk.
Although Ashley's saying she's munted.
Isn't he cute, you guys? Thanks for coming out, everyone.
I'm Alex Baker.
What'd what'd he say his name was? - (PHONE RINGS) - Hi, you've rung Alex Baker.
No.
No, I bloody haven't! I can't get to the phone right now, or maybe I don't want to get to the phone right now.
So, ah, yeah, leave a message.
- (BEEP!) - I don't want to leave a I don't want to leave a message for Alex Baker, because I don't know anyone called Alex Baker.
I'm after Alex Angel.
And, by the way, why would anyone go from an Angel to a Baker, Alex? You know they hardly make any money, 40 grand a year, tops and you have to get up at three in the morning - so you didn't think that - (BEEP!) Celeste! Where's Celeste? - (KNOCK ON WINDOW) - Over there.
That's 20 of the shampoos and 10 of the brushes.
Celeste, could you get Births, Deaths and Marriages on the phone, please.
- I'm already on the phone, Don.
- Well, get off.
No, not the organic shampoo.
I can't.
I'm filling in for Ray and there's so much ordering to do.
Yes, the cheap one with all the chemicals.
Where's Ray? He's gone to Mildura to meet with some potential franchisees.
Why didn't he take the dog wash trailer with him? I don't know, but he's asked me to restock it.
Celeste, can I remind you that you are two-thirds my assistant and only one-third Ray's.
That's probably why I don't know why he didn't take the trailer.
And have you got the new hoses with the little dogs' heads on them? How about I do three-thirds you tomorrow instead? I'm afraid I can't help you with that.
It's not how it works.
Yeah.
Look, I think you'll find this is very straightforward, Soula.
All I want to do is cancel a name change, please, Soula.
But it's not your name to change.
It bloody is my name.
I'm Don Angel.
My son is Alex Angel.
We are the Angels.
Not the band, the family.
Although who knows if I'm ever going to see Alex's face again? I mean, who would change their name from Angel? It is such a nice name, don't you think, Soula? I think it's very nice.
However, unless Mr Baker thinks so too, I can't help you.
Now, is there anything else I can help you with today? Anything else? How many kids do you think I've got changing their name today? Oww.
- My shout next time.
- Don't sweat it.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - No, I owe you heaps, I promise.
What the actual! Kim keeps sending me this shit.
- (LAUGHS) - What's going on? Seriously? - Booty bounce, booty bounce - Oh, my God! - Look.
Look at his face.
- Turn it off! Can I show you the part where you took off his belt? - No! Dude! - With your teeth? - Why didn't you stop me? - 'Cause it was funny.
The poor guy.
I can't remember anything except waking up in Ray's office when your mum was there.
How long have your parents been back together, btdubs? - What parents? - Ray and Yvonne.
What are you talking about? - They're together.
- No, they're not.
- I saw them kiss.
- (PHONE CHIMES) Wish I could unremember that.
Oh, man! - He wants to get dinner.
- (PHONE CHIMES) (PHONE RINGS) How long have you been fucking Mum? Who's this? How many calls like this do you get? Is it true? Well, um Yes, Leslie, it is true.
You're there? You're going to Mildura with him? We're not going to Mildura.
We're going hiking for a few days.
Leslie? You there? I thought you'd be happy we're seeing each other.
Honestly, what's the downside? - The downside is - Whoo! - Ashley, shut up! - Oh, my God, what? The downside is being lied to by both my parents.
Well, technically I haven't lied to you.
Oh, so the other night when you went bowling with an old uni friend Your mother is an old uni friend.
And an excellent bowler.
Whoo-hoo! Ashley, stop! That is an Eames replica! Faster! Faster! Faster! Oh, are you are you alright? My parents are having sex.
It's more complicated than it sounds.
Um, we haven't really spoken much since I told you I wasn't gay.
Do you want to go out for a drink some time? Hmm? Ohh, I'm still not gay.
Believe it or not, I like that you're straight with me.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - VIJAY: Ashley, please! Do you know how much that chair is worth? Oh, five bucks.
Oh, ha-ha.
22.
So get off.
- Sure.
No, that'd be great.
- Don't! The thing is, Alex is a big boy, and he can do what he wants.
I don't even care that he's changed his name.
I think it's pretty hurtful.
Sticks and stones break the bones, Celeste, but names, they can go and get fucked 'cause I don't feel a thing.
But what happens if he has kids? They won't have your name.
No, you you are missing the point.
It is not about my name.
It is about my brand.
And what is so upsetting is that Alex has no idea of the value of the Angel family brand.
And now his poor kids are going to grow up without being branded.
The-the most important thing in life is your brand.
Don's Dirty Dog Wash, on brand.
Yaytionery, on brand.
Funny Dunny, brilliantly on brand.
I mean, when I say Doppelganger Design, what do you think? - Cheap copies of things from Europe.
- Exactly.
And those cherished brands are under the umbrella of what? The World Wide Business Group.
No, but technically, yes, but the Angel Family Brand.
But it's called the World Wide Business Group.
I wish we had told him before we left.
Oh, Ray, you think he would have freaked out any less? Pass me your pack.
- We could have been more inclusive.
- Yeah.
We could have live streamed from the bedroom.
I get camera shy.
I'd need a fluffer.
I thought we were doing the right thing in being discreet.
You know that's not true.
We wanted some time to ourselves without Leslie making it all about her.
Him.
And stop correcting me! Don't you see? We're expected to accommodate all his choices and his life changes.
She-he can accommodate ours.
- I'm trying to remember to say "he".
- I know.
At least he's at work, surrounded by good people.
Good people? Are you serious? He's made some real friends.
Well, that's disturbing.
I hope one of them's not that fucking psychopath.
- Who? - Don.
So .
.
about the other day What other day? Oh, you mean the other day where we hooked up hashtag greatest day of my life? Yeah.
So, I What happened was Hang on, I need a fork.
Ah, excuse me, can I please get a fork for for my girlfriend? Kim! No! That's a yes to the fork but a no to the girlfriend bit.
What do you mean? I'm not your girlfriend.
I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but I can't be in a relationship with you.
Why not? Because Ta.
Is it because we work together? Yes.
Definitely.
That's the reason.
It's a breach of the conflict of interest.
- I get it.
- You do? Yeah, I-I know how much you respect your father's business ethics.
I really, really do.
- Are you OK? - I mean, I'm sad.
But I'll throw myself back into my uni work, start going to lectures again.
You're amazing.
I'll miss everyone so much, though.
What? You're quitting? I have to so I can be with you.
I mean, I should probably get some little gifts for all the staff.
- No, that's not You can't - Is that not the right etiquette? No, I mean fuck, I put too much Sriracha on this.
- This is a big decision.
- But - And I think we should sleep on it.
- Together.
Not together, apart.
Definitely apart.
Because of my ethics.
But we can still text lots, OK? (PHONE CHIMES) Bit Bitmoji.
New It's a new technology.
- No.
I know what a bitmoji is.
- Yep.
Sorry.
(PHONE RINGS) Don.
Raymondo! Are you sitting down? No, what's happened? Is Leslie alright? Ah, well, I think that horse has bolted, Ray.
Listen to this.
We are rebranding.
Yeah, Don, I don't have time The company formerly known as the World Wide Business Group is now called Angel Family Enterprises.
- Why? - Why? Did you ask the Colonel why he changed Kentucky Fried to KFC? Wasn't that about trans fats? It was about brand clarity, Ray.
But KFC actually gives you less clarity about the product than Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Listen, is this Dial-An-Argument? The DubDubBG does not say anything.
The Angel family name means something.
Oh, not to Alex.
Alex who? Alex Baker.
For your information, Ray, I have completely moved on from Alex.
This is straight bat commerce.
Who are you meeting with in Mildura? Why? Because you can give them the good news.
They are not just buying into a dog wash, they are buying into a family.
Exciting, eh? Mmm.
Listen, can you keep an eye on Leslie for me while I'm up here? Do I look like Mrs fucking Doubtfire? Don't answer that.
I just want to make sure he's OK.
Enough with the helicopter parenting, Ray.
Get your worry chopper in the air.
Your boy is fine.
Don, I have Kim on the phone.
Yes, take a message please, Celeste.
Leslie, where have you been? My Uber account got suspended, then I had to wait for a cab and Yeah, don't care.
Listen, I need you to use those finely honed design skills of yours and come up with a logo for Angel Family Enterprises.
Ooh! How about some wings, don't you think? Or a halo.
What about a wand? Celeste, did you do a TAFE course overnight? Was I supposed to? No worries, sounds fun.
Anyway, am I eligible for annual leave? Kim's not at his desk.
Where is he? Celeste? He's not sick, is he? - No.
- Good.
Because - He's resigned.
- What? He can't bloody resign.
I've got 15 BAS statements due.
Who's gonna do the payroll? I haven't done it since we stopped paying cash.
No, not happening! - But we can get that - It's a disaster.
Shit.
Who knows the password to Quicken? - Wrong hashtag, Vijay.
Come on! - They will not buy it.
Kim's resigned.
What? He was supposed Did he say something to you? Why would he say something to me? We should hire someone else.
I'll put it on Jobseek.
Hire someone else? Do you have any idea what the Dodger does for us? It would be easier to untangle my lower intestine than the finances in all these companies.
We need him back.
Did he say where he was going, Celeste? Ahh WOMAN: for example the Treasury Laws Amendment bill, which saw an increase in the small business tax offset.
So, that has increased, definitely, as has the small business turnover threshold from $2 million to $10 million.
So, looking at the offset, first it's import Are you right? Do you have a roll? I'm in the middle of a lecture.
Which is great, but I'm actually, ah, out there in the real world, putting this stuff into practice.
So Ooh, got him.
All good.
Go on, yeah.
Right.
O-OK.
So, the small business, ah, tax thre offset, sorry, has increased, ah, as has the small business turnover threshold - from $10 million - What the hell is going on, Kimbo? If you really want award wages, we can talk about that.
.
.
to 25.
I'm sorry, Don.
I've already made up my mind.
Well, I am very, very hurt.
You have been like a son to me.
Really? Like Alex? No, like a son that's actually embraced the family brand.
Well, that's the problem.
I've embraced the family brand too much.
It's Sam.
Oh, mate.
I'm sorry.
What did she do? We're in love.
Looking at the turnover threshold, the current cap of $2 million will be used to access S-Sam? My Sam? - Does she know? - Yeah.
But she said we couldn't have a relationship in the office because of your rules.
Did she? That's the Angel ethics coming through.
.
.
discount will be limited to entities with turnover less than $5 million.
Are-are you sure you want Sam? I mean, you know, she's a bit she's a bit damaged.
Don't you have something arranged? I love Sam.
I'm sorry, Don.
I can't come back.
No, I make the bloody decisions about relationships in the workplace.
So, you know, I will I will sort things out with Sammy.
- Really? I can come back? Yes! - .
.
and legislation takes time - Just before you - .
.
to implement.
- Yes? - Quick one.
In your learned, Cayman Islands, thumbs up, thumbs down? Can you get out? Sam, a word.
Swamped, Dad.
That's-that's That's That's bullshit.
I know what you did.
I didn't do anything.
I saw the video, Samantha.
You know the office chairs aren't Scotchgarded.
And how did you expect that poor prick to react? Do you think he's ever seen anyone like you in his village? He comes from Glen Waverly.
- You have to go out with him.
- Piss off! Oh, so in the absence of a CFO, you're happy to talk to the Tax Office about Influenzer's finances? Everything up to date your end, is it, Sammy? Or-or do we need to put on someone extra to help with the shredding? I'm not dating Kim.
You don't have to do anything with him.
- Just string him along a little.
- No! Why not? Isn't that what you do? What does that mean? When was the last time you had a proper relationship? When was the last time you did? This is not about me, and-and if I could pretend to go out with Kim, I would.
Come on, Sammy.
Fine.
I'll call him.
No need.
(WHISTLES) Kimbo! Welcome back, Dodge.
Ha-ha! Sammy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
We always did do camping well, didn't we? Well, we always did do camping drunk.
That's on you.
What other 19-year-old packs half a dozen bottles of burgundy to go bush? Could I have been more pretentious, do you think? Not given the beret and cravat.
Do you remember we always used to say we'd have a vineyard when we retired? Oh, that's right.
I'd tend to the vines during the day and write my book at night.
Maybe I'll tend to the vines and you - Yeah.
- .
.
concentrate on the book.
I'd like that.
Me too.
Let's get this going.
Just in case you're worried, this is a no strings attached, - two dudes hanging out drink.
- Yeah.
- But not gay dudes.
- Nuh-uh.
- I need me some bro time.
- Right.
Hey, we should work out some time.
Yeah, sweet.
I'm-I'm training for Tough Mudder at the moment.
- Well, maybe I should do that.
- Oh, you should.
10 miles of mud and then you wade through 40 tonnes of ice.
I love it.
I don't know why, but I love it.
- Ah, mate, this has been declined.
- Oh.
Um, hang on, I should have another one in here.
No, no, no, here, I got it.
Thanks, mate.
Sorry.
- No.
No worries.
Here.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Ah, whoa up there, tiger.
- (COUGHS) (LAUGHS) I remember when I had my first beer, too, mate.
I always drink beer.
Yeah.
No, I was joking.
You don't have to have fought in a war to order a fuckin' beer.
No.
No, of course not.
No, that would be a tiny, tiny market.
No, you know, most of the time, I actually like a shandy.
Half beer, half lemonade.
Are you saying I'm half and half? No, I don't know what I'm Here, let's Whoa! WOMAN: (ON TV) So I thought, "What the hell, I'll bring it along today.
" - It's real.
- (PHONE CHIMES) Oh, no way.
For sure.
You can tell by that old dude's face.
Oh, no, no, no.
Look.
- MAN: The provenance - See? He's trying to be cool.
He's playing her.
He wants her to think it's real and she's in for a fortune, but then No, he's talking about the jug's province.
Oh, please, no chance.
Whenever they say that, it means it's special.
Sammy.
Sammy Sammy.
That jug is A-grade bullshit.
- 20 bucks says it's legit.
- Only 20? Hmm? I watch this show, you loser.
I know how it works.
That jug is gonna be worth £5.
- 700.
- Ohh! Here you go.
This is a milk jug that might have been bought at Tescos and is probably valued at £5 or £6.
- Yes! Bring it in.
There it is.
- Come on.
- Oh, you've seen this one before.
- Well, that's not relevant.
Well, perhaps it was a gift.
Thank you I'm not paying you 20 bucks.
Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy OK.
He's sexting me.
Oh, that dirty little perv.
Turn your phone off.
I don't want to! Oh, yeah, I do want to.
(PHONE RINGS) - Sam Angel, what up? - (BEEP!) Sammy, can you please, please call me back? It's an emergency.
(PHONE RINGS) Don Angel.
- Don, it's Leslie.
- Leslie.
- Yes? Ah You got a logo for me? - No.
I left a bunch of messages for Sam but she hasn't called me back.
Well, she's gone to bed, sulking because I smashed her at Antiques Roadshow.
Don, I need help.
I'm out of my meds.
My hormone meds.
I must have forgotten to replace the prescription and I thought there was more, but there's not and I've just had a really shit day - and and I just really - OK.
Just calm down.
Just, um, why don't you take a couple of Panadol with some Milo.
Couple of Panadol's not gonna work.
Well, take four.
I need my hormone meds, Don.
I can't miss a dose.
It could set everything back months.
Everything could go haywire! Yeah.
OK.
So, jump in the car and go to the 24-hour chemist.
Ray's got the car and I've got no money.
Oh, well, what can I tell you, Leslie? Fiscal responsibility.
It's-it's something that we all have to learn.
Er, look, have a sleep and things will look better in the morning.
OK? I really appreciate this, Don.
Don't get used to this one-on-one attention.
It's only because Ray is in Mildura.
He's not in Mildura.
He's hiking with my mother.
And when I say "hiking", I mean sleeping with.
You are fucking joking me.
I don't know which is more staggering, the shagging or the hiking.
I didn't know either.
So, he's not selling a dog wash franchise to anyone? Not unless my mother's buying one.
I mean, root who you want.
But don't tell me you're going fishing for a marlin, when actually the catch of the day is some anchovy like your leftard ex.
- No offence.
- None taken.
She thinks you are a self-interested, profiteering opportunist.
How is that an insult? - I'd have that on my business card.
- She thinks you're evil.
Yeah, yeah.
I've heard it all before from that lot.
I'm the devil for growing the economy and providing jobs.
Anyway, where are her politics now? Tucked in a sleeping bag, 400 kilometres away while Satan drives me to the chemist.
- I don't want to leave! - Me either.
But I'm worried Leslie's not answering my calls.
Sweetheart, I told you not to stress about it.
- Stop texting him.
- I'm not.
I had some ideas last night.
I was just getting them down before I forgot.
For the book? For Funny Dunny.
I've got some new jokes.
Are you serious? After everything we talked about, that's what came to you during the night? Stupid jokes for toilet paper? You haven't heard them yet.
What about the book? Toilet paper would have a much larger readership.
How is this funny to you? You have so much talent you are squandering away in that morally bankrupt shithole.
I don't know if I have a book in me.
Well, you'll never know if you stay there.
Don't you owe yourself the chance to find out? Don? Don? What's wrong? You hiding from someone? Am I hiding from someone? That's rich coming from Osama bin Laden who's been hiding in the mountains for three days.
Ahh Close your mouth, Ray.
I'm not checking your tonsils.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I was trying to keep it from Leslie, but it got a bit complicated.
Yeah, it did.
Here, with me, looking after your son.
What's wrong? Where is he? Don't wake him, for Godsakes.
He was up most of the night.
Did something happen? No, Ray, Leslie and I had book club.
- He ran out of his hormone medication.
- Ohh.
Not, "Oh", you mean, "Oh, fuck".
He can't miss a dose.
His cycle could have been completely messed up.
You you don't just start growing chest hair and then stop.
The poor bastard, he rings me late last night and he's wigging out and he's maxed out his credit cards and he's got no-one because you're snogging Yvonne in the Grampians, so to speak.
You owe me 37 bucks for the medication, by the way.
Thank you.
And thank you for staying.
Well, what was I supposed to do, Ray? He's a big baby and he didn't want to be left alone.
You got any bacon? - Hey? How brilliant is that? - (APPLAUSE) Oh, Leslie, you should be very proud of yourself.
LESLIE: And you were worried that the wing was gonna look too girlie.
Well, you've managed to make it look masculine so, you know, the meds are working, aren't they? Hands up who is proud to be a member of the Angel family.
(CHUCKLES) Exactly.
Who in their right mind would not want to be part of the Angel family? Sam, hey! Put your hand up, please.
Don, I'm proud to be in your family.
Will we be getting new shirts? The devil is in the big picture, Kim.
No-one cares about the detail.
Sammy.
- Pop that on your Instagram.
- No.
- The wing was my idea.
- Whoo! Yeah! Don said that we could be together.
Don said? What about everyone else? They would all be so jealous.
- Because we're like a power couple? - Sure.
RAY: I was just thinking about the future.
You need to pick a side, Ray.
It's got nothing to do with sides.
I'm on one, Don's on the other.
There's been a rather large hiccup with the dog wash.
I might be forced out of business.
Did that letter also go to Sir David Attenborough, hmm? A couple of zebras can pump each other in slo-mo for 20 minutes on a Sunday night, and that's fine.
That's science.
Obviously liquidation would then be the only available course of action.
The only thing I am liquidating this morning is my Sausage McMuffin.
Although Ashley's saying she's munted.
Isn't he cute, you guys? Thanks for coming out, everyone.
I'm Alex Baker.
What'd what'd he say his name was? - (PHONE RINGS) - Hi, you've rung Alex Baker.
No.
No, I bloody haven't! I can't get to the phone right now, or maybe I don't want to get to the phone right now.
So, ah, yeah, leave a message.
- (BEEP!) - I don't want to leave a I don't want to leave a message for Alex Baker, because I don't know anyone called Alex Baker.
I'm after Alex Angel.
And, by the way, why would anyone go from an Angel to a Baker, Alex? You know they hardly make any money, 40 grand a year, tops and you have to get up at three in the morning - so you didn't think that - (BEEP!) Celeste! Where's Celeste? - (KNOCK ON WINDOW) - Over there.
That's 20 of the shampoos and 10 of the brushes.
Celeste, could you get Births, Deaths and Marriages on the phone, please.
- I'm already on the phone, Don.
- Well, get off.
No, not the organic shampoo.
I can't.
I'm filling in for Ray and there's so much ordering to do.
Yes, the cheap one with all the chemicals.
Where's Ray? He's gone to Mildura to meet with some potential franchisees.
Why didn't he take the dog wash trailer with him? I don't know, but he's asked me to restock it.
Celeste, can I remind you that you are two-thirds my assistant and only one-third Ray's.
That's probably why I don't know why he didn't take the trailer.
And have you got the new hoses with the little dogs' heads on them? How about I do three-thirds you tomorrow instead? I'm afraid I can't help you with that.
It's not how it works.
Yeah.
Look, I think you'll find this is very straightforward, Soula.
All I want to do is cancel a name change, please, Soula.
But it's not your name to change.
It bloody is my name.
I'm Don Angel.
My son is Alex Angel.
We are the Angels.
Not the band, the family.
Although who knows if I'm ever going to see Alex's face again? I mean, who would change their name from Angel? It is such a nice name, don't you think, Soula? I think it's very nice.
However, unless Mr Baker thinks so too, I can't help you.
Now, is there anything else I can help you with today? Anything else? How many kids do you think I've got changing their name today? Oww.
- My shout next time.
- Don't sweat it.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - No, I owe you heaps, I promise.
What the actual! Kim keeps sending me this shit.
- (LAUGHS) - What's going on? Seriously? - Booty bounce, booty bounce - Oh, my God! - Look.
Look at his face.
- Turn it off! Can I show you the part where you took off his belt? - No! Dude! - With your teeth? - Why didn't you stop me? - 'Cause it was funny.
The poor guy.
I can't remember anything except waking up in Ray's office when your mum was there.
How long have your parents been back together, btdubs? - What parents? - Ray and Yvonne.
What are you talking about? - They're together.
- No, they're not.
- I saw them kiss.
- (PHONE CHIMES) Wish I could unremember that.
Oh, man! - He wants to get dinner.
- (PHONE CHIMES) (PHONE RINGS) How long have you been fucking Mum? Who's this? How many calls like this do you get? Is it true? Well, um Yes, Leslie, it is true.
You're there? You're going to Mildura with him? We're not going to Mildura.
We're going hiking for a few days.
Leslie? You there? I thought you'd be happy we're seeing each other.
Honestly, what's the downside? - The downside is - Whoo! - Ashley, shut up! - Oh, my God, what? The downside is being lied to by both my parents.
Well, technically I haven't lied to you.
Oh, so the other night when you went bowling with an old uni friend Your mother is an old uni friend.
And an excellent bowler.
Whoo-hoo! Ashley, stop! That is an Eames replica! Faster! Faster! Faster! Oh, are you are you alright? My parents are having sex.
It's more complicated than it sounds.
Um, we haven't really spoken much since I told you I wasn't gay.
Do you want to go out for a drink some time? Hmm? Ohh, I'm still not gay.
Believe it or not, I like that you're straight with me.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - VIJAY: Ashley, please! Do you know how much that chair is worth? Oh, five bucks.
Oh, ha-ha.
22.
So get off.
- Sure.
No, that'd be great.
- Don't! The thing is, Alex is a big boy, and he can do what he wants.
I don't even care that he's changed his name.
I think it's pretty hurtful.
Sticks and stones break the bones, Celeste, but names, they can go and get fucked 'cause I don't feel a thing.
But what happens if he has kids? They won't have your name.
No, you you are missing the point.
It is not about my name.
It is about my brand.
And what is so upsetting is that Alex has no idea of the value of the Angel family brand.
And now his poor kids are going to grow up without being branded.
The-the most important thing in life is your brand.
Don's Dirty Dog Wash, on brand.
Yaytionery, on brand.
Funny Dunny, brilliantly on brand.
I mean, when I say Doppelganger Design, what do you think? - Cheap copies of things from Europe.
- Exactly.
And those cherished brands are under the umbrella of what? The World Wide Business Group.
No, but technically, yes, but the Angel Family Brand.
But it's called the World Wide Business Group.
I wish we had told him before we left.
Oh, Ray, you think he would have freaked out any less? Pass me your pack.
- We could have been more inclusive.
- Yeah.
We could have live streamed from the bedroom.
I get camera shy.
I'd need a fluffer.
I thought we were doing the right thing in being discreet.
You know that's not true.
We wanted some time to ourselves without Leslie making it all about her.
Him.
And stop correcting me! Don't you see? We're expected to accommodate all his choices and his life changes.
She-he can accommodate ours.
- I'm trying to remember to say "he".
- I know.
At least he's at work, surrounded by good people.
Good people? Are you serious? He's made some real friends.
Well, that's disturbing.
I hope one of them's not that fucking psychopath.
- Who? - Don.
So .
.
about the other day What other day? Oh, you mean the other day where we hooked up hashtag greatest day of my life? Yeah.
So, I What happened was Hang on, I need a fork.
Ah, excuse me, can I please get a fork for for my girlfriend? Kim! No! That's a yes to the fork but a no to the girlfriend bit.
What do you mean? I'm not your girlfriend.
I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but I can't be in a relationship with you.
Why not? Because Ta.
Is it because we work together? Yes.
Definitely.
That's the reason.
It's a breach of the conflict of interest.
- I get it.
- You do? Yeah, I-I know how much you respect your father's business ethics.
I really, really do.
- Are you OK? - I mean, I'm sad.
But I'll throw myself back into my uni work, start going to lectures again.
You're amazing.
I'll miss everyone so much, though.
What? You're quitting? I have to so I can be with you.
I mean, I should probably get some little gifts for all the staff.
- No, that's not You can't - Is that not the right etiquette? No, I mean fuck, I put too much Sriracha on this.
- This is a big decision.
- But - And I think we should sleep on it.
- Together.
Not together, apart.
Definitely apart.
Because of my ethics.
But we can still text lots, OK? (PHONE CHIMES) Bit Bitmoji.
New It's a new technology.
- No.
I know what a bitmoji is.
- Yep.
Sorry.
(PHONE RINGS) Don.
Raymondo! Are you sitting down? No, what's happened? Is Leslie alright? Ah, well, I think that horse has bolted, Ray.
Listen to this.
We are rebranding.
Yeah, Don, I don't have time The company formerly known as the World Wide Business Group is now called Angel Family Enterprises.
- Why? - Why? Did you ask the Colonel why he changed Kentucky Fried to KFC? Wasn't that about trans fats? It was about brand clarity, Ray.
But KFC actually gives you less clarity about the product than Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Listen, is this Dial-An-Argument? The DubDubBG does not say anything.
The Angel family name means something.
Oh, not to Alex.
Alex who? Alex Baker.
For your information, Ray, I have completely moved on from Alex.
This is straight bat commerce.
Who are you meeting with in Mildura? Why? Because you can give them the good news.
They are not just buying into a dog wash, they are buying into a family.
Exciting, eh? Mmm.
Listen, can you keep an eye on Leslie for me while I'm up here? Do I look like Mrs fucking Doubtfire? Don't answer that.
I just want to make sure he's OK.
Enough with the helicopter parenting, Ray.
Get your worry chopper in the air.
Your boy is fine.
Don, I have Kim on the phone.
Yes, take a message please, Celeste.
Leslie, where have you been? My Uber account got suspended, then I had to wait for a cab and Yeah, don't care.
Listen, I need you to use those finely honed design skills of yours and come up with a logo for Angel Family Enterprises.
Ooh! How about some wings, don't you think? Or a halo.
What about a wand? Celeste, did you do a TAFE course overnight? Was I supposed to? No worries, sounds fun.
Anyway, am I eligible for annual leave? Kim's not at his desk.
Where is he? Celeste? He's not sick, is he? - No.
- Good.
Because - He's resigned.
- What? He can't bloody resign.
I've got 15 BAS statements due.
Who's gonna do the payroll? I haven't done it since we stopped paying cash.
No, not happening! - But we can get that - It's a disaster.
Shit.
Who knows the password to Quicken? - Wrong hashtag, Vijay.
Come on! - They will not buy it.
Kim's resigned.
What? He was supposed Did he say something to you? Why would he say something to me? We should hire someone else.
I'll put it on Jobseek.
Hire someone else? Do you have any idea what the Dodger does for us? It would be easier to untangle my lower intestine than the finances in all these companies.
We need him back.
Did he say where he was going, Celeste? Ahh WOMAN: for example the Treasury Laws Amendment bill, which saw an increase in the small business tax offset.
So, that has increased, definitely, as has the small business turnover threshold from $2 million to $10 million.
So, looking at the offset, first it's import Are you right? Do you have a roll? I'm in the middle of a lecture.
Which is great, but I'm actually, ah, out there in the real world, putting this stuff into practice.
So Ooh, got him.
All good.
Go on, yeah.
Right.
O-OK.
So, the small business, ah, tax thre offset, sorry, has increased, ah, as has the small business turnover threshold - from $10 million - What the hell is going on, Kimbo? If you really want award wages, we can talk about that.
.
.
to 25.
I'm sorry, Don.
I've already made up my mind.
Well, I am very, very hurt.
You have been like a son to me.
Really? Like Alex? No, like a son that's actually embraced the family brand.
Well, that's the problem.
I've embraced the family brand too much.
It's Sam.
Oh, mate.
I'm sorry.
What did she do? We're in love.
Looking at the turnover threshold, the current cap of $2 million will be used to access S-Sam? My Sam? - Does she know? - Yeah.
But she said we couldn't have a relationship in the office because of your rules.
Did she? That's the Angel ethics coming through.
.
.
discount will be limited to entities with turnover less than $5 million.
Are-are you sure you want Sam? I mean, you know, she's a bit she's a bit damaged.
Don't you have something arranged? I love Sam.
I'm sorry, Don.
I can't come back.
No, I make the bloody decisions about relationships in the workplace.
So, you know, I will I will sort things out with Sammy.
- Really? I can come back? Yes! - .
.
and legislation takes time - Just before you - .
.
to implement.
- Yes? - Quick one.
In your learned, Cayman Islands, thumbs up, thumbs down? Can you get out? Sam, a word.
Swamped, Dad.
That's-that's That's That's bullshit.
I know what you did.
I didn't do anything.
I saw the video, Samantha.
You know the office chairs aren't Scotchgarded.
And how did you expect that poor prick to react? Do you think he's ever seen anyone like you in his village? He comes from Glen Waverly.
- You have to go out with him.
- Piss off! Oh, so in the absence of a CFO, you're happy to talk to the Tax Office about Influenzer's finances? Everything up to date your end, is it, Sammy? Or-or do we need to put on someone extra to help with the shredding? I'm not dating Kim.
You don't have to do anything with him.
- Just string him along a little.
- No! Why not? Isn't that what you do? What does that mean? When was the last time you had a proper relationship? When was the last time you did? This is not about me, and-and if I could pretend to go out with Kim, I would.
Come on, Sammy.
Fine.
I'll call him.
No need.
(WHISTLES) Kimbo! Welcome back, Dodge.
Ha-ha! Sammy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
We always did do camping well, didn't we? Well, we always did do camping drunk.
That's on you.
What other 19-year-old packs half a dozen bottles of burgundy to go bush? Could I have been more pretentious, do you think? Not given the beret and cravat.
Do you remember we always used to say we'd have a vineyard when we retired? Oh, that's right.
I'd tend to the vines during the day and write my book at night.
Maybe I'll tend to the vines and you - Yeah.
- .
.
concentrate on the book.
I'd like that.
Me too.
Let's get this going.
Just in case you're worried, this is a no strings attached, - two dudes hanging out drink.
- Yeah.
- But not gay dudes.
- Nuh-uh.
- I need me some bro time.
- Right.
Hey, we should work out some time.
Yeah, sweet.
I'm-I'm training for Tough Mudder at the moment.
- Well, maybe I should do that.
- Oh, you should.
10 miles of mud and then you wade through 40 tonnes of ice.
I love it.
I don't know why, but I love it.
- Ah, mate, this has been declined.
- Oh.
Um, hang on, I should have another one in here.
No, no, no, here, I got it.
Thanks, mate.
Sorry.
- No.
No worries.
Here.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Ah, whoa up there, tiger.
- (COUGHS) (LAUGHS) I remember when I had my first beer, too, mate.
I always drink beer.
Yeah.
No, I was joking.
You don't have to have fought in a war to order a fuckin' beer.
No.
No, of course not.
No, that would be a tiny, tiny market.
No, you know, most of the time, I actually like a shandy.
Half beer, half lemonade.
Are you saying I'm half and half? No, I don't know what I'm Here, let's Whoa! WOMAN: (ON TV) So I thought, "What the hell, I'll bring it along today.
" - It's real.
- (PHONE CHIMES) Oh, no way.
For sure.
You can tell by that old dude's face.
Oh, no, no, no.
Look.
- MAN: The provenance - See? He's trying to be cool.
He's playing her.
He wants her to think it's real and she's in for a fortune, but then No, he's talking about the jug's province.
Oh, please, no chance.
Whenever they say that, it means it's special.
Sammy.
Sammy Sammy.
That jug is A-grade bullshit.
- 20 bucks says it's legit.
- Only 20? Hmm? I watch this show, you loser.
I know how it works.
That jug is gonna be worth £5.
- 700.
- Ohh! Here you go.
This is a milk jug that might have been bought at Tescos and is probably valued at £5 or £6.
- Yes! Bring it in.
There it is.
- Come on.
- Oh, you've seen this one before.
- Well, that's not relevant.
Well, perhaps it was a gift.
Thank you I'm not paying you 20 bucks.
Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy OK.
He's sexting me.
Oh, that dirty little perv.
Turn your phone off.
I don't want to! Oh, yeah, I do want to.
(PHONE RINGS) - Sam Angel, what up? - (BEEP!) Sammy, can you please, please call me back? It's an emergency.
(PHONE RINGS) Don Angel.
- Don, it's Leslie.
- Leslie.
- Yes? Ah You got a logo for me? - No.
I left a bunch of messages for Sam but she hasn't called me back.
Well, she's gone to bed, sulking because I smashed her at Antiques Roadshow.
Don, I need help.
I'm out of my meds.
My hormone meds.
I must have forgotten to replace the prescription and I thought there was more, but there's not and I've just had a really shit day - and and I just really - OK.
Just calm down.
Just, um, why don't you take a couple of Panadol with some Milo.
Couple of Panadol's not gonna work.
Well, take four.
I need my hormone meds, Don.
I can't miss a dose.
It could set everything back months.
Everything could go haywire! Yeah.
OK.
So, jump in the car and go to the 24-hour chemist.
Ray's got the car and I've got no money.
Oh, well, what can I tell you, Leslie? Fiscal responsibility.
It's-it's something that we all have to learn.
Er, look, have a sleep and things will look better in the morning.
OK? I really appreciate this, Don.
Don't get used to this one-on-one attention.
It's only because Ray is in Mildura.
He's not in Mildura.
He's hiking with my mother.
And when I say "hiking", I mean sleeping with.
You are fucking joking me.
I don't know which is more staggering, the shagging or the hiking.
I didn't know either.
So, he's not selling a dog wash franchise to anyone? Not unless my mother's buying one.
I mean, root who you want.
But don't tell me you're going fishing for a marlin, when actually the catch of the day is some anchovy like your leftard ex.
- No offence.
- None taken.
She thinks you are a self-interested, profiteering opportunist.
How is that an insult? - I'd have that on my business card.
- She thinks you're evil.
Yeah, yeah.
I've heard it all before from that lot.
I'm the devil for growing the economy and providing jobs.
Anyway, where are her politics now? Tucked in a sleeping bag, 400 kilometres away while Satan drives me to the chemist.
- I don't want to leave! - Me either.
But I'm worried Leslie's not answering my calls.
Sweetheart, I told you not to stress about it.
- Stop texting him.
- I'm not.
I had some ideas last night.
I was just getting them down before I forgot.
For the book? For Funny Dunny.
I've got some new jokes.
Are you serious? After everything we talked about, that's what came to you during the night? Stupid jokes for toilet paper? You haven't heard them yet.
What about the book? Toilet paper would have a much larger readership.
How is this funny to you? You have so much talent you are squandering away in that morally bankrupt shithole.
I don't know if I have a book in me.
Well, you'll never know if you stay there.
Don't you owe yourself the chance to find out? Don? Don? What's wrong? You hiding from someone? Am I hiding from someone? That's rich coming from Osama bin Laden who's been hiding in the mountains for three days.
Ahh Close your mouth, Ray.
I'm not checking your tonsils.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I was trying to keep it from Leslie, but it got a bit complicated.
Yeah, it did.
Here, with me, looking after your son.
What's wrong? Where is he? Don't wake him, for Godsakes.
He was up most of the night.
Did something happen? No, Ray, Leslie and I had book club.
- He ran out of his hormone medication.
- Ohh.
Not, "Oh", you mean, "Oh, fuck".
He can't miss a dose.
His cycle could have been completely messed up.
You you don't just start growing chest hair and then stop.
The poor bastard, he rings me late last night and he's wigging out and he's maxed out his credit cards and he's got no-one because you're snogging Yvonne in the Grampians, so to speak.
You owe me 37 bucks for the medication, by the way.
Thank you.
And thank you for staying.
Well, what was I supposed to do, Ray? He's a big baby and he didn't want to be left alone.
You got any bacon? - Hey? How brilliant is that? - (APPLAUSE) Oh, Leslie, you should be very proud of yourself.
LESLIE: And you were worried that the wing was gonna look too girlie.
Well, you've managed to make it look masculine so, you know, the meds are working, aren't they? Hands up who is proud to be a member of the Angel family.
(CHUCKLES) Exactly.
Who in their right mind would not want to be part of the Angel family? Sam, hey! Put your hand up, please.
Don, I'm proud to be in your family.
Will we be getting new shirts? The devil is in the big picture, Kim.
No-one cares about the detail.
Sammy.
- Pop that on your Instagram.
- No.
- The wing was my idea.
- Whoo! Yeah! Don said that we could be together.
Don said? What about everyone else? They would all be so jealous.
- Because we're like a power couple? - Sure.
RAY: I was just thinking about the future.
You need to pick a side, Ray.
It's got nothing to do with sides.
I'm on one, Don's on the other.
There's been a rather large hiccup with the dog wash.
I might be forced out of business.
Did that letter also go to Sir David Attenborough, hmm? A couple of zebras can pump each other in slo-mo for 20 minutes on a Sunday night, and that's fine.
That's science.
Obviously liquidation would then be the only available course of action.
The only thing I am liquidating this morning is my Sausage McMuffin.