Better Off Ted (2009) s01e07 Episode Script

Do you think I look like a possum in this shirt? - Not in that shirt.
Why? - My wife went on and on this morning about how this shirt makes me look like a possum.
Well- Sometimes I don't know how you put up with that woman.
Usually, I hold perfectly still until she goes away.
The company has a problem.
A recent survey found employee morale has dropped from "low," which they were okay with to "I'd like to burn this place down" which, frankly, I'm surprised was one of the options.
This is Clark.
He conducted the survey.
Right now he's telling Veronica what the employees think about her which means right now Veronica hates Clark.
And 63% found you too intimidating.
Is there such a thing as "too intimidating"? Is there? Answer me, you little bean counter.
I've told you three times I don't like being called that.
Oh.
Sorry.
I was told my evaluation was at 11:00.
We're done.
It seems everyone's afraid of me which to me sounds like their problem, but apparently not.
The company is worried that a decrease in morale is hurting productivity.
We think it would help if you soften your image a little.
Compliment people.
Be more supportive.
If people feel appreciated, then they work harder.
Veronica, I'm sure we're all gonna have to make adjustments.
- Not you.
- No? You mean, everyone likes me? - Oh, you so desperately wanna be loved.
- No, I don't.
Yes, I do.
I mean, who doesn't? Mr.
Crisp, you had a near unanimous rating of"excellent.
" In fact, there were even several write-ins of"adorable.
" Oh, brother.
Look out, Jesus.
Wait.
Uh, near unanimous.
Does that mean a few less than unanimous or a few more? Well, really, the only group you didn't score well with were men over 50 and lower management.
Too bad, Ted.
Men over 50 and lower management loved me.
- No, they didn't.
- Shut up, you little bean counter.
Huh.
I don't get it.
What did I do to men over 50? Well, you're young, good-looking, successful.
Honestly, they probably just resent you.
Well, maybe I'll just have to make them get to know me.
I mean, my father's over 50, and he- I'll wait.
You wanted to see me, boss? Yes, employee.
As part of an effort to raise morale I've been told to find out what would make our workers happy.
And I thought I'd ask you since you're the smartest, most observant person - in the whole company.
- Let me guess.
- You've also been told to compliment people.
- See how smart you are? Thank you.
But what makes you think I know how to make employees happy? Because you're the suggestion-box lady.
Well, that's what they call you upstairs.
I've never put my name on any of my helpful but ignored ideas.
- How do they know they're from me? - Other people suggested that you stop hogging the suggestion box.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, sitting out there in those identical cubicles, people start to feel anonymous.
There's no sense of community.
Personally, I've always felt disconnected.
Like I'm just some faceless cog in a giant dehumanizing machine.
Whoa.
Slow down, Chairman Mao.
I don't need a manifesto.
I need something to make people happy.
Well, the company could start by letting us individualize our space you know, decorate our cubicles, put up photos and artwork.
Really? That's all it would take? You drones are so easy.
That's not a compliment.
Good morning.
Hey, Rick, I think I've been replaced by someone who likes cats.
Yeah, my cubicle's been decorated with space stuff.
It's a very aggressive move.
But by who? Nice sweater, Lily.
I support your decision to wear it.
Hi, balding guy.
I love what you've done with the hair you have left.
Hello, mob.
You look confused.
We were just wondering about our new and lovely cubicles.
- Well, Linda suggested- - Oh, great.
I love where this is going.
that you all be allowed to decorate your workplaces to express your individuality.
The company thought it would be too risky to let people do whatever the hell they wanted.
So they have expressed your individuality for you in four exciting and inoffensive themes- Green Bay Packers, cats space and classic cars.
Isn't that great? Enjoy your new personalities.
Nice job, Linda.
I know.
Can you believe this place and the things they do to all of us sometimes? Veridian Dynamics.
Teamwork.
It's a beautiful thing.
In business, it means working together for a common goal.
X- rays show that when people work together, they're happier and less likely to do something weird.
Veridian Dynamics.
Teamwork.
It keeps our employees gruntled.
What about me screams "cat lady" to you? Maybe the way you pounce on a fella who's just trying to get a cup of coffee.
The company personalized my cubicle with all this stupid cat stuff.
What are they trying to tell me, that I'm gonna die old and alone with a hundred cats chewing on my decomposing body? Well, maybe if you fed the cats once in a while your story would have a happier ending.
Would you just say they're wrong about me, please? Because in spite of what my new poster says, I'm having trouble hanging in there.
Look, the company does all sorts of crazy things.
That doesn't mean we have to be crazy too.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go seduce a 55-year-old man.
- Hey.
Manny, right? I'm Ted.
- I know who you are.
I have always heard so much about you.
You're practically a legend in this place.
I can't believe this is the first time we've actually met.
It's not.
We've worked together on three projects before.
I meant the first time we've met outside of those three projects.
It's not.
What do you want, Ted? I wanna take you to lunch.
Screw that.
Just fire me now.
I won't make a scene.
- Oh, no, no.
It's not like that.
- Thirty years I give to this company.
Thirty years, and this is how it ends? Uh, "A," inside voices, and "B," no one's firing you.
I just wanna get to know you and you to know me.
Hey, you can bring some friends if you like so they can, uh, know me too.
Uh, okay.
How about Bill and Jeremy? Uh, yeah.
Don't you have any friends who are, you know, older? Hey, guys.
I just want you both to know that you're doing great work.
Your specs on the robotic firefighting technology really blew my mind.
That's got to feel good, right? Boost your morale? Wow.
Thank you, Veronica.
Thank you, Veronica.
You're welcome.
And, Phil, I like that outfit.
That was incredible.
- I'm, like, tingly.
- Our specs weren't that great.
I reject her compliment.
- Then can I have your half? - It doesn't mean anything.
She's only saying nice things because the company ordered the executives to boost our morale.
Then you shouldn't have any trouble giving up your half.
Hey, Linda.
I see the company made you a cat person too.
Yeah, well, the company can go lick its ass.
I'm sorry.
I just don't see myself as a cat person.
I know.
Neither did I.
But then I realized that they're not saying that we're cat people.
I mean, that's insane.
They're saying we're cats.
- Oh, Sheila.
- Oh, I don't mean actual cats.
They're saying we share the same qualities.
Cats are quick, smart and independent, just like you, me, Debbie and Bruce.
Huh.
You think I'm quick, smart and independent? Everybody does.
We've all talked about it.
Really? I never thought of myself in cat terms but I do like to think I have those attributes.
Or should I say "cattributes"? - Cattributes.
Can I use that? - No.
It's mine.
What's wrong with this picture? Five steaks, one Caesar salad, low-fat dressing on the side.
I like a light lunch.
Keeps me sharp for the rest of the day.
Oh, hey, look at Mr.
Perfect.
Mr.
Stays Awake at Work.
Ted, you're so put together.
It's like you stepped out of a magazine.
Didn't you ever get a mustard stain on your shirt or a hooker's vomit on your pants? Well, I-I did do one of those things when I was 12, at a baseball game.
I won't tell you which one it is, but it was the game of my life.
Look, fellas, I can have fun.
Oh, yeah? What are you drinking, iced tea? In our day, it was okay to knock back a few at lunch.
Okay.
Tell you what.
I can go old school.
Drinks all around.
From now on, you can call me Mr.
Has a Drink at Lunch But Let's Not Go Overboard Because It's Still a Workday.
I know.
It's long, but it makes some good points.
Hey, Linda.
Have you met Debbie, Bruce and Rita? They're also cat people.
Oh, hi.
Sure.
I've seen some of you around, but we've never actually met.
- Now we all have something in common.
Being surrounded by pictures of cats has made me realize how much I want one.
I hate myself for being allergic.
Oh.
Hey, uh, have you guys seen that YouTube video thatJanet sent around with the cat that flushes the toilet? - No.
I didn't get that.
- No.
Oh, it's really cute.
He thinks he's people.
Well, it turned out it wasn't the school's mascot.
It was just some random pig I'd stolen.
This guy's hilarious.
And what an operator.
Comes back from lunch with the hostess's phone number.
I am totally gonna make love to her.
Oh, you would have loved it back in the old days, Teddy.
There was no such thing as sexual harassment.
There was nothing sweeter than telling some broad who wouldn't do you to clean out her desk, put her crap in a box and go home.
Well, gee, that-that sounds great.
Well, you be sure to tell everyone in your age group how much fun you had.
Uh, tomorrow will be even better.
You are part of the group now.
Tomorrow we're taking you to lunch.
Yeah.
Bring some dollar bills and a lap.
I just made three new friends.
Maybe I was wrong about the cubicle themes.
For the first time since I've been here, I actually feel like I'm part of something.
Glad to hear it.
I have to go to a strip club tomorrow with a bunch of old men.
Wow.
What theme did the company give you? Veronica and her hair were working hard on the company's campaign to improve morale.
They both put on a good front, but one of them was feeling frustrated and the other was feeling dry and flaky.
- You guys wanted to see me? - Hi, Veronica.
We isolated rat R.
N.
A.
using T.
R.
I.
Reagent.
Would you like to see it? Sure.
Wow.
That is very impressive.
Nice work.
Wait.
Let me turn it on.
Wow.
That is very impressive.
Nice work.
And thanks for calling me down here to see it.
Nice work on that too.
I could listen to her praise me all day.
It's not real, Phil.
Any grad student can isolate rat R.
N.
A.
And I looked at our average specs from the other day.
I rejected her compliment then, and I re-reject it now.
Well, excuse me.
Some of us aren't married to my wife.
I've got to grab whatever compliments I can get.
I'm sorry, but when I hear an undeserved compliment, it makes my ears wanna throw up.
Oh, your ears are always throwing up about something.
I can't believe you guys got me a kitten.
Linda had finally found that sense of community she'd been missing.
Janet on the fourth floor, also a cat person, was giving them away.
- We thought you'd want one.
- And they thought right, didn't they, Boots? No.
Sandals? No.
I should get away from footwear.
- Stapler.
No.
Now I'm just looking at things on my desk.
Oh, ho, ho! That's good, Teddy.
It's great having a strong, young friend around.
How do you know when your need to be liked has become unhealthy? Do me.
Do me next.
Seriously, how do you know? Because clearly, I'm having trouble finding the line.
Hello, space people.
- Is this space taken? - Houston, we have a problem.
Um, I guess not.
Oh.
Janet upstairs is giving away the cutest kittens.
- Have you guys seen them? - Houston, we have a problem.
- What's that, Joe? - It's just we were talking about space stuff.
- Oh.
- It might be over your head by 50 miles.
That's where space starts.
I know where space starts, Joe.
It's not like you're in a secret club.
- Houston, we have- - Shut up, Joe.
Linda, why are you sitting over here? All of us cat people have our own table.
I don't know.
I thought I'd mix it up a little see what the other groups are up to, check out the final frontier.
So, I heard Pluto's not a planet anymore.
How do we feel about that, fellas? Yeah, but, Linda- Linda? Linda? - What? - It's just that I thought we were friends.
You know.
Cats of a feather.
We are friends, but I also wanna be friends with other people.
Did you just say "cats of a feather"? Yes.
If you were sitting at our table you would have seen the shirts that Bruce made for us.
Sheila, it's just one lunch.
I can't believe you're making such a big deal out of this.
I'm not.
But we gave you a cat, Linda.
A cat.
You're disgusting.
Hey, Veronica.
I haven't seen you in the lunchroom before.
Don't be silly.
I'm down here all the time.
What's that smell? It's my plate.
Yum.
Yeah, the food here is not very good.
I like to say even the salt needs salt.
You're a very funny man, Phil.
- You think? - Yes.
In fact, I think you're "philarious.
" My wife says I wouldn't know comedy if it ripped my face off.
Good for you for having a wife.
What happened, Linda? Looks like the cats abandoned you like you abandoned them.
Yeah.
They abandoned you.
I hope they didn't leave you any little gifts on the seat of your car.
My car's in the shop, Debbie.
I didn't drive today.
That's right.
You better run.
I'm gonna mess you up.
- Hey, Teddy! Join us.
- Guys, what's going on? Well, I was hoping foreplay.
All right, this party is over.
Aw, Ted.
Don't be that guy.
That-That uptight guy we thought you were.
You know what? I am that guy.
The guy you want me to be gets taken advantage of.
So I'm this guy, and this guy wants all of you out of my office.
And why is that sticky? Where's the frackin' aspirin? Oh, here it is.
Good job, cabinet.
God, I must stop.
This will kill everything.
Right? Yeah.
That's why we weren't allowed to sell it.
- I'm losing my mind, Ted.
- Oh, yeah? I just saw Bob Gershon's butt.
I think it touched my desk.
I've been saying so many nice things to people, I've started making words up.
This morning I called Phil "magniflorious.
" About Phil- he's falling in love with you.
And if that doesn't sound "horriflivic," I don't know what does.
Oh, God.
See, that's why I keep my hair up.
It creates a distance, an unapproachability.
Oh, I miss that me.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Hey, you know who you are? You are a great boss who gets things done.
- That should be all that matters.
- Well, thank you.
And you shouldn't be wiping wrinkly butt prints off your desk.
I know.
I shouldn't care what men over 50 think about me except my father, and that ship has sailed.
- You're right.
- About my father? Why, did he say something to you? No.
I'm talking about the people around here.
You can't win with some of them anyway.
I found cat feces in my car.
Speaking of cat-related vandalism- - What are you doing? - Oh! Clearly, I'm losing my mind.
I thought decorating the cubicles would create this great sense of community.
But you can't base a community on made-up personalities.
That's like high school, only no one's on drugs and everyone's trying to get pregnant.
The druggie teen slut is right, Ted.
- Wha- Hey.
- I said you were right.
- It's time to pull the plug on this madness.
- Agreed.
Drones.
Can I have your attention? Something tells me I should have known you in high school.
I actually went to an all-girl school and was totally straight.
But I'm very trampy now.
Recently, we've tried doing things a little- I have never seen you this excited about schematics before.
Well, now that I've redone them, I think they're some of my best work.
I finally have something worthy of Veronica's praise.
And since, unlike you, I've earned this moment, I'm going to enjoy it.
And while it may have been a worthy experiment, it is now over.
And so, from now on, there will be no more praise and I will no longer be complimenting any of you.
Damn it! Unless it is truly your best work.
Damn it! And the next time some survey asks how happy you are you check "very" or I'll give you something to be happy about.
I'm not sure that makes any- The hair is up.
That's all they hear.
And so, things got back to normal.
- Hi, Phil.
- Veronica.
Phil, I think we need to talk.
- Sweet.
- Look, you are a very nice man.
I like hearing that.
That is, I like you as a friend.
Step one, check.
Phil, nothing is ever gonna happen with us.
I see.
And now I must get out of the room as quickly as possible.
Wait.
Another time, another place, two other people it could have been "magniflorious.
" You mean that? I do.
Especially the part about two other people.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh.
And things got back to normal for Linda too although she did get that sense of community she was looking for.
Unfortunately, it was centered around blaming her for getting things back to normal.
And as for me, I kind of like the idea of not caring what people think of me.
- Hey, Manny.
- Go to hell, Ted.
Will do.
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