Bewitched (1964) s01e07 Episode Script

My those cookies smell scrumptious, Samantha.
- Thank you, Bertha.
- You must give me the recipe.
Bertha won the pie-baking contest at the fair this year.
Didn't you, Bertha? Well, it was my turn.
Now, who'd like milk with their tea? You've done enough, dear.
You come right over here and sit down we'll take care of it ourselves.
I'm trying to give it up.
- Shouldn't Aunt Clara be here by now? - She certainly should.
You know, I worry about that woman every time she steps out of the house.
She's getting on, you know and she's Well, let's be frank.
She's gone a little funny.
And stubborn.
I offered to pick her up, but no, she insisted on flying by herself.
Have either of you flown with Clara lately? - Not lately.
- Suicide, plain suicide.
There's someone at your front door, dear.
I didn't hear anything.
Excuse me.
Endora told me that since the marriage she doesn't even do little things anymore.
Oh, my stars.
Aunt Clara, what happened? Oh, I got the spell all wrong.
I got all mixed in the spell and I got landed in the middle of the freeway.
Good gracious.
Well, here, we'll just get you straightened out.
Come on in.
Now, don't you look lovely.
Yes, dust you off a little bit.
Now, come on.
- Hello, Clara.
- Hello, Bertha dear.
You sit down, Aunt Clara, I'll pour you a nice cup of tea.
Oh no, no, no.
I can do that myself.
Well, I'm not as old as all that, you know.
Well, let me see.
Now, let me see.
I know, dear.
I know.
I know.
Clara, in the future, will you please ask? Well, I didn't want any tea anyway.
And my powers are just as good as ever, so don't get pernickety with me.
It's just that at this time of year, l It sends me all flooey.
I hate Halloween.
I hate Halloween.
Well? - They're very good.
- Yeah.
They're the best Halloween candies our company's ever put on the market.
- Try some more.
- I haven't finished with what I have.
Go on, go on.
Now, what we wanted was a special campaign devised to run through the entire Halloween season, right? Nice and chewy, aren't they? Now, of course, the first thing we needed was a highly identifiable trademark, right? I'm sure I can come up with something for you, Mr.
Brinkman.
You don't have to come up with a thing.
I know exactly what I want.
I puzzled over it for days, let me tell you, and then suddenly the answer came to me just like that.
Are you ready? A witch.
A witch.
Well, that certainly ties in with the product.
It's not the broomsticks I mind so much, it's the way they make us look those ugly, horrid warts and those long, crooked noses.
I guess they just don't realize that we're like anybody else, almost.
Up to now, we've been able to do nothing, but I can't take another year.
That's why we came to see you.
We thought you might have some ideas.
We tried Endora, but she's not interested in the cause at all.
Oh, I know.
Mother flies to France every year this time till it all blows over.
She thinks we should try and forget it.
I can't forget it.
Every time I see a picture of one of those ugly old crones I fly right home and cry myself to sleep.
An ugly old crone, with a long nose, I mean long.
And then warts on her chin and broken teeth, a lot of broke A whole mouthful of broken teeth and a tall black hat and a broomstick.
Can I see some rough sketches tomorrow? Well, I'll get to work on that right away.
I don't know why we don't simply tell everyone that we're witches and then they'd see what wonderful, nice people we really are.
You'd better take out lots of fire insurance first.
Bertha, they stopped burning us years ago.
We have made some progress.
Well, not enough.
I personally think it all begins with the children.
Someone ought to rewrite those fairy tales.
Well, you know, show Hansel and Gretel for what they really are a couple of pushy kids going around eating sweet old ladies' houses.
I think that's the silliest thing I ever heard of.
You got any better ideas? Wait a minute, Darrin might have an idea.
A mortal? Oh, I don't think so, Samantha.
Mortals don't seem to know how to do anything too well.
Darrin's a very good advertising man, and he's familiar with our problem.
But do you think he's interested enough to do anything about it? I'm sure he'd be glad to help us.
I think that's a crackerjack notion, right up with the times.
I'll talk to him as soon he gets home.
He'll probably have some wonderful ideas.
Darrin's home.
It may be better if I spoke to him alone.
Well, we've stayed much too long anyway, dear.
Do you think he'll be able to help us? - I'm sure of it.
- Do keep in touch, and let us know.
- Oh, I will.
- Thanks for the tea, dear.
We'll just slip out this way.
- We had a lovely time.
- Goodbye.
I'd better be running along too, you know.
- Certainly.
- Anything you need, let me know.
Oh, yes.
- Well, goodbye.
- Oh, goodbye.
Goodbye.
Aunt Clara, are you all right? I'm fine, fine.
What went wrong? Maybe you didn't concentrate.
Oh, yes.
Could be, you know.
Aunt Clara, here, I have a marvellous idea.
Why don't you go out the back through the kitchen door.
Maybe that will be the best way.
These walls are getting harder and harder.
Aunt Clara.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, sweetheart.
Expecting rain? Oh, no, no, just straightening up.
How was your day? Grim.
There's something important I'd like your advice about.
Sure, as soon as I put some finishing touches on these sketches.
You have bicarbonate handy? - Something you eat disagree with you? - You could say that.
Sure, I'll get you one.
Here you are, darling.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
- You look tired.
I'm almost finished.
What did you want to talk about? Well, Darrin, I need some professional advice.
I was thinking this afternoon that just about this time of year, somebody should What's that? - A Halloween witch for a billboard.
- You're going to use that picture? It's not quite finished yet.
I thought I'd put another wart here.
Darrin, how could you? You of all people, you should know better.
That's the kind of thing we're trying to fight.
- What are you talking about? - That picture, it's offensive.
- Offensive? - Is that how you think I look? - Will you calm down? - Do you? - Of course not.
- Then why did you do it? Because that's the way most people think witches look.
Is that any reason to discriminate against a minority group? - What minority group? - Witches, of course.
- Sam, people don't believe in witches.
- What's that got to do with anything? How can you discriminate against something you don't know exists? Don't split hairs.
Sweetheart, if you realized how ridiculous you - Where are you going? - I'm going to hang by my feet from a beam in the attic and cackle at the moon.
What's the matter with you? Are you serious? Of course I am.
How would you like it if you were always represented as something different? Well, let's face it, darling, you are a little different.
- Darrin, please.
- What did I say? - You're prejudiced.
- Prejudiced? Mother was right.
If I was prejudiced, I wouldn't have married you, would I? Oh, so that's it.
You think you did me a big favour.
Took the poor little witch in.
Quite a sacrifice.
Makes you feel self-righteous.
Is that it? - I may get very sick.
- Anyone as bigoted as you deserves it.
I am not bigoted! Witches have feelings, just the same as anyone else.
When we see those little children around on Halloween with blacked-out teeth and warts Don't you understand? It hurts.
Does it really mean that much to you, Sam? Of course it does.
I remember when I was a child, Mother and I used to leave the country so we wouldn't have to look at those ugly masks.
It was horrible.
I knew you'd understand.
I understand perfectly, darling.
I just hope Brinkman does.
I'm telling you, that's not what I want.
I want an old crone with blacked-out teeth.
And she's got warts on, on Mr.
Brinkman, listen to me.
Listen for just a minute.
Now, everyone uses the traditional Halloween witch.
Who's to say they really look like that? Now, my idea is to get away from the old stereotype and use a beautiful well-dressed witch as your trademark.
You are nuts.
Witches got long noses and blacked-out teeth Stop.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Look here, fella, I don't like being insulted.
Neither do witches.
They've got feelings too.
You're afraid of offending a witch? Well, if I were a witch, I'd be offended.
Wouldn't you, Mr.
Brinkman? I mean if you said that I look like that, I'd Mr.
Brinkman, supposing there really were witches and there's no absolute proof there aren't can you imagine how they would feel to have their image distorted? Tate, come in here, please.
What's the trouble? Say to him what you just said to me.
I was just trying to convince him to use a beautiful woman in the campaign.
No, no, no.
The other thing, the other thing.
Well, I was just putting forth a theory that witches might exist.
Witches? You hear that? You mean with long noses, blacked-out teeth and warts? No, of course not, they probably look more like Glinda.
- Who? - Who? Glinda.
The Good Witch of the North in The Wizard of Oz.
Oh, she's gorgeous.
The Good Witch of the North? He doesn't wanna hurt her feelings.
I'm merely suggesting a more sophisticated campaign.
Something with a bit more imagination.
Darrin, you do understand exactly what Mr.
Brinkman wants, don't you? He should.
I told him a thousand times.
It's a simple breakdown of communication.
You'll have your sketches, Mr.
Brinkman.
How about it, Darrin? Put someone else on the account, Larry.
What? Darrin, I see no reason why there should be a problem.
It seems to me to be a fairly simple campaign.
Very simple from Mr.
Brinkman's point of view.
What's wrong with the way I see it? Nothing at all from your point of view.
I just think it should have a little more sophistication and imagination.
Darrin, you're being unnecessarily wilful and stubborn.
- I'm being honest.
- Who made you an authority on witches? Nobody.
But Well What's so great about warts? - Hi, honey, did they call? - No, they didn't call.
Maybe you should call Mr.
Brinkman and apologize.
- You know I can't do that.
- Not even for me? - For you? - Darling, I can't go on like this.
I've been feeling guilty ever since you walked out on Larry Tate yesterday.
Why should you feel guilty? Because if you weren't married to me, you wouldn't have lost your job.
Subconsciously, all our lives you'll hold it against me.
I told you this has nothing to do with you, Samantha.
You get out of here and let me do these bills, huh? Darrin? - I have an idea.
- What? Mr.
Brinkman wouldn't care what campaign he had as long as he sold his candies, right? Suppose somehow all the other candy companies went out of business, and l Will you stop that? You got me in enough trouble as it is.
You see, you do hold it against me.
Samantha Aunt Clara, Mary Bertha, I have to talk to you.
We're here, Samantha.
Are you all right, Clara? Yes, yes, of course I am.
Let me go, I can stand by myself.
I'm sorry to get you up at this hour, but it's very important.
We know, dear.
We feel terrible about what's happened.
It's all our fault that your young man has lost his job.
- Now, what can we do to help? - Now, you must understand Darrin is very proud.
Unless he's asked to go back, he won't go back.
- It's a matter of principle and integrity.
- Two excellent reasons.
Bertha could make a telephone call.
She's wonderful at voice imitations.
No, what I was thinking of was a way to make Mr.
Brinkman change his mind about the campaign.
That way we'll be helping Darrin and ourselves at the same time.
Wonderful.
Now, what's the idea? We could start with a protest march.
- That's very good.
- And nonviolent.
We could add signs.
Signs? Oh, that's an excellent idea.
How about? Very much to the point.
Now, let's see, how about this one? - Wonderful.
- I know one too.
I think that's exactly how we feel, and if this doesn't have any effect I have a few more ideas we can discuss on the way to Mr.
Brinkman's.
Good.
Coming, Clara? Clara! Oh, I was just mentally counting my doorknobs.
You'll need a sign.
A sign? Oh, a sign.
No? It's the best I could do.
Shall we go? What are you doing up there? Just read the signs, Mr.
Brinkman.
"Vote for Coolidge"? These signs, Mr.
Brinkman.
We're a protest group.
We checked the advertising campaign that you planned, depicting us as old crones.
We find it distasteful and insulting.
I don't care what you find it.
What business is it of yours anyway? Why, it's very much our business, Mr.
Brinkman.
We're witches.
- Oh, you're witches, are you? - We certainly are.
You come on down here off my lamp.
The rest of you come on down here too.
- You hear me? - Don't you believe us, Mr.
Brinkman? I'll tell you what I believe.
I believe you'd all better get out of here before you're thrown out.
- He doesn't believe us.
Well, I guess we'll just have to convince him.
All ready? Together.
Clara, what are you doing? Oh, I was just looking at this doorknob.
How do you get it so brilliant? Stick to business, Clara.
Now, come up here and sit down.
You keep your shirt on.
All right, I've had enough of this.
Maybe the police will have something to A snake.
Still don't believe in witches, Mr.
Brinkman? It's that rich food.
It's all that rich food I ate.
I should never eat French cooking.
My stomach just won't take it.
Criticizing French cooking.
- Cigarette? - What? - Blindfold? - Why? Why would I need a blindfold? L Ready! - Please, don't shoot me.
Don't - Aim! I do believe in witches, I do, I do.
I do believe in witches.
Fire! They shot me.
I'm dead.
I told you I believed you, but you killed me anyway.
It's not fair.
Oh, nothing of the sort.
You're perfectly all right.
- I'm all right.
- Practically.
- What do you mean "practically"? - Take a look in the mirror.
- What did you do to me? - The same thing you did to us.
I never did anything to you.
Old crones, you said.
With long hooked noses and blacked-out teeth and warts.
How'd you like to go through life looking like that? You wouldn't leave me like this.
Of course not, we want the world to know you as you really are.
Now, you'll do the same for us, won't you, Mr.
Brinkman? I promise.
I promise.
Good, you can look again.
Oh, boy.
That's what I call a nightmare.
I need a drink.
I'm glad you finally saw my point of view, Mr.
Brinkman.
I know you won't be sorry.
Mr.
Brinkman? Oh, sure.
Sure, that's Sure.
Would you like me to go over the details of the campaign, Mr.
Brinkman? - The details? - Oh, no.
No, you do everything.
L - I have to go to the police station.
- What for? I was robbed.
I'm sorry to hear that, Mr.
Brinkman.
Well, it's all right.
All they took were doorknobs.
A hundred and five of them.
Every doorknob in the house.
Morning.
- Hello, Samantha.
Nice to see you again.
- Hello, Larry.
No, couldn't be.
Oh, I'll admit I was sceptical right up until the time Brinkman confirmed our research reports.
Mothers and children don't buy Halloween candy, fathers do.
That gorgeous witch on the billboard has kicked Brinkman's sales up 27 percent.
Darrin, your instinct was absolutely right.
Thank you.
Of course it was.
He's the best advertising man in the business.
Thank you both for them kind words.
Come on, Darrin, tell me, where'd you get the idea for that campaign? - Well - It was intuition, and that's something you can't buy.
You have it or you haven't, wouldn't you say? I sure would.
And I'd like to propose a toast.
To Darrin's intuition wherever it comes from, may he never lose it.
- I'll drink to that.
- Me too.