Billy and Billie (2015) s01e07 Episode Script

1 [ Keyboard clacking .]
[ Keys clatter .]
Mom? Um I guess you found your keys.
Um Uh [ Voice breaking .]
Oh, my god.
Okay.
[ Door slams .]
don't panic.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Mom! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Jesus, motherfucker.
Fuck, fuck.
Okay.
It's gonna be okay.
Mom! Hey.
Billy! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Candice: Jesus Christ.
Just wait a second.
You don't need to leave yet.
Mom Come on.
It's just what I thought.
No, it's -- it's even worse.
It's not worse.
It's actually worse than I thought.
It's not worse.
You know that, huh? How do you know that? You know how bad it is in my head? Do you? The thought of my two children t-together.
Oh, my god.
I'm not actually your child.
You were.
Well, I raised you that way.
No.
Now, just forget it.
Never again.
Fine.
How long? What? What do you think? How long has this been happening? A couple weeks.
A month or so.
Off and on.
Yeah.
We took a break there for -- for a minute, and then it just sort of, you know, uh But for a bit, yeah.
A bit? Oh, my god.
It makes me so -- so -- sick.
And I suppose up at the house, too, correct? Correct? [ Laughing .]
Of course I'm correct.
We didn't really do anything there, just so you know.
Your little brother walked in on you.
And he told me, too.
And I didn't believe him at first.
But he was right.
He told me, and he was right.
Well, that is hard to believe -- Carson talking.
Shut your fucking little smug mouth, Billy Jones.
You are just like your goddamn father, that's what you are.
You're exactly like him, you little shit.
You're not even sorry.
Mom, come on.
Do we really have to be sorry about this? We are a family.
A family! You do not fuck each other when you're a family! I don't know.
I think that's how you get to be a family in the first place.
Shut the -- shut up! Shut up! [ Sobs .]
Fuck.
[ Siren wailing in distance .]
Oh, this has just made me so sick.
I'm so sorry.
I just -- I'm sorry, too.
I really am, Candice, but I love your daughter.
No, you can't.
It's just -- no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Mom, just listen to us, okay? Will you just listen? This is not happening.
This is not happening.
It is happening, and we can deal with it like people do, all right? Yes, it's not a bad thing Candice.
It's really not.
People get all -- I know, but it's -- it's not.
Just think about it.
[ Sobbing .]
Oh, my god.
Have any other great ideas? Hey, I don't know.
I'm trying to help.
Okay.
Well, help harder and better.
How? What can I say? Say it's -- say it's a phase, say it's over, say -- say something that normal people would say.
It's not over, so I'm not gonna say that.
Billy, just -- I'm sorry.
What? Just don't make it worse.
I don't -- how is it worse? How is the truth worse? How is that so bad? It's bad -- believe me.
It's just -- it's -- it's very, very bad.
Um Baby Please.
Listen, mom Please.
Listen, why don't we all just take a minute and we just take a deep breath and maybe we come up this weekend -- no, no.
You are not going anywhere near Carson until this is fixed.
No.
No, no, no.
Who said it's gonna get fixed? I said we can talk about it.
Talking doesn't solve this.
We have to do something.
I swear to god in heaven, if this gets out and around, you have no idea how this is gonna affect your lives.
You have no idea.
Mom! It's -- i have to go.
Please get out.
Please.
Okay, Candice, i don't think we should leave -- get out! Shouldn't leave it like this.
Get Let's -- Out! Okay.
Mom.
[ Voice breaking .]
I need to go.
[ Indistinct conversation .]
Hey, you.
Hey.
Hey.
I didn't know you worked today.
Yeah, I come in at 9:00 three days a week.
Oh, cool.
Yeah.
I might be quitting soon, though, going back to school or whatever.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, that's, um, bad -- bad for me, good for you.
Oh, well, you'll still have my number, not like you're gonna use it.
That's not true.
That's not true.
Really? I was planning on using it very soon.
You're gonna call me? Yes.
Okay.
don't be skeptical.
I will.
Okay.
[ Ring tone plays .]
Mm.
Is it him? It's him.
don't answer it, not until we talk this shit through.
So Wow.
I know.
I mean, fuck.
I thought I was progressive.
You are progressive.
I banged three guys at the same time in Italy.
That pales in comparison to Well, it depends on the guys.
Were they brothers? No.
Wait.
They might have been.
Doesn't matter.
They weren't my brothers.
Ha.
Funny.
Right? Okay, anyway Come on, he's not my real brother.
Mm, still, pretty close.
Close enough.
Okay, we were raised that way, yeah, but not by, like, blood or anything.
Most people don't care.
I'm not saying I do, but this is gonna cause a shit storm.
It just is.
I know.
I mean, this is kind of, you know -- it's crazy.
I'm not judging, no, at all.
But Yeah, with Billy.
Fuck! That's insane! Okay.
I know! I am aware, trust me, but -- [ groans .]
Fuck! I mean, you don't know how close I was to walking away from this thing when it started.
But, yeah, here we are.
Shit.
[ Sighs .]
Is he good in bed? I bet he is, that fucker.
He's like a rock star.
Fuck! I knew it.
I knew it! I hate him.
And so, what? What are you guys gonna do? I have no idea.
And your mom was like? Pretty much like medusa.
Oh, wait, with the fucking Fucking snakes.
Snakes and everything? Yeah, pretty much.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, I bet she flipped out.
Oh, god.
Candice.
I mean, most parents would, but, like, Candice is like -- [ growls .]
Yeah.
No, at one point, she was just, like, honking the horn and screaming.
She was just like, honk, honk, honk -- raaaawr! [ Both laugh .]
Oh, fuck.
It's not funny.
I would disagree.
Fuck you.
I think your hands are pretty full already, young lady.
Hm, hilarious I mean, unless you think you'd want to have a threesome.
Gross.
Fuckin' ho.
Are you calling me a ho? I'm calling you a ho.
Because look in the mirror, bitch.
You're getting it on with your bro.
Sick.
Like a bro ho.
Sick.
Sick.
Sick.
[ Laughs .]
Fuck, that is perfect.
"Bro ho.
" Shut up.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, man.
[ Sighs .]
I'm sorry.
I'm just like -- it's okay.
Ugh.
I'd cry too if I was fucking my brother.
I hate you so much.
I love you back.
Okay.
Aww.
I'm glad we had this talk.
Me, too.
You fucking bitch.
[ Laughs .]
Cheers.
[ Laughing .]
Cheers.
[ Sighs .]
Ugh.
No, it's a 10.
It's a hard 10.
Not hard -- I don't -- I'm not being sexual.
I just mean it's definitive.
Okay.
[ Knocks .]
Eat? You want to eat? Jones.
Yes? Do you not speak sign language? Is that what that was? Okay.
Answers, "no.
" UmLet's talk.
Later, okay? Okay.
All right, I'll buzz you.
Great.
"Later --" that's what that means.
It's "later.
" Are you sure? A.
S.
L.
-- Six years.
Yeah.
Jones, dude.
Hey.
Dude.
What? Dude.
What? Dude, your sister.
Just f.
Y.
I.
-- everybody knows.
Everyone Everybody.
If there was any day to have sick day, this would be it.
Look, I mean, like -- [ sighs .]
All's fair in love andWhatever, but this isBig.
People -- okay.
Thank you.
[ Sighs .]
Dude.
Thanks.
So This look.
What do you think? Hmm.
I'm thinking this particular time bomb went off.
Pretty much.
Of course we do get our looks back by the end of the episode, but today we shoot the aftermath.
Sweet.
Hey, thank you for letting me hang out here today.
I really appreciate it.
Oh, it's no problem.
It's like having my little stepsister around or something.
Nice.
Oops, sorry.
Sensitive subject.
You're such an asshole, you are.
I know.
I can't help it.
I was raised badly.
I blame my fucking parents.
They are the sweetest people I've ever met.
Try again.
Fuck! That's right.
You know them.
Okay, fine.
I'm a bitch, that's all.
There it is.
That's the truth.
Yeah, I'm cold bitch.
Deal with it.
I can do that.
I mean, I'm not insane.
I don't sleep with my brother or anything.
Okay, fuck you.
Go fuck yourself.
Um, I still can't believe you lied to me about that.
I mean, i can kind of believe it, but you did lie to me.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I just -- i didn't know how to tell you.
I didn't know how to tell anyone.
It's weird.
Come on.
Well, I forgive you.
And it is that quality of mercy that allows us to be besties.
Best friend, girl -- right here.
Or maybe right here.
Yeah, right here.
This one? That's the one.
Ding.
Ooh.
[ Knock on door .]
Bonjour, beautiful costar.
I'm sending Francis for Espresso.
You want something? Oh! Hey.
I was just thinking about you the other day.
[ Coughs .]
Bullshit.
Shut up.
I was, too.
I was gonna invite you to this opening.
Uh, that's nice.
Thanks.
[ Sighs .]
God.
Francis! Ball! I, uh I was gonna invite you to an opening.
I have a cameo in the new Darren aronofsky film -- the "black swan" dude.
Very cool, super edgy, great guy.
I thought you might enjoy it.
Well, I'm busy, so don't worry about me or anything.
You can come, too.
I just thought it might be nice to go with someone not in the industry, someone real, but still, you know Attractive.
No -- I mean, yeah.
Pretty much.
Um No, but seriously, when is it? It's, uh Uh Fucking motion-capture suit.
It's, uh -- the thing is Tuesday.
Or the following Tuesday.
I know it's a Tuesday.
This month.
It's a Tuesday.
Um Oh, it's a Tuesday.
Uh, yeah.
I, um Oh, wow.
That hurts, you having to think about it.
Ouch.
It's not that.
I just, uh She has a boyfriend.
I told you that.
Drew.
Just -- what? It's true.
I thought you said you didn't have a boyfriend.
Didn't I ask you that last time I saw you? She didn't then.
Well, sort of? Sorry, it's been kind of back and forth, so Oh, that's what she said! Back and forth.
Anyway Normally, I'd say, "yes, that sounds like fun.
" And I like that black and white movie he did where the guy drills a hole in his head, but, um, yeah, I'm seeing someone.
Sorry.
Oh, brother.
Very close.
What? Nothing.
Nothing.
Okay, well The offer stands.
Should you change your mind, here's my number.
Okay.
That came way too close to my face.
Thank you.
Buh-bye.
À bientôt.
Um, no.
You -- you put that away.
I'm gonna get you some purell.
Or sanitizer or something.
Hold on, let me find it.
Careful.
To your left.
Your left.
My left.
Got it.
Thank you.
Fair warning.
Hi, Denise.
Good morning.
Listen to me.
If I find out -- and I'm not gonna go around digging for info -- I should, but I'm bigger than that.
But if I were to find out that you were fucking me at the same time as your sister -- she's my step-- [ shushing .]
Just listen.
If that information was to become clear to me at any point I will destroy you.
DestroyYou.
Mm-hmm.
You got that? Hm? You get that?! Yes.
I do.
Uh, can I just say that -- no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't ever want to hear a word from your mouth ever again.
We can work together, I can see you from across the lobby, probably stop myself from vomiting.
Probably.
Time will tell.
But don't push it.
Do not push it with me, mister.
Okay, listen.
I would really like to talk about this with you.
I think, you know, I could tell you about what's going on with me, and we could go to lunch and clear the -- no, no, no, no.
That's never gonna happen.
I wouldn't be caught dead with you, here or in public, ever again -- not one time.
And if you manage to hang on to this job, Keith is gonna have to do something.
He will.
He'll have to.
And if it manages to be you who's still standing here after all the smoke clears, because frankly, now that the gloves are off and we can all speak freely and shit to each other, I think your sister is a fuck of a lot better at what she does than you are what you do.
So let's just see who he decides to keep on here.
Okay.
But wouldn't that be a fucking laugh, if the pervert who brought his sister in here so that he could be with her all day and all night, and it's her who gets to stay -- wouldn't that be the fucking funniest thing ever? I could probably think of couple other things, but let's not quibble now, right? No? Too fucking true, asshole.
[ Clears throat .]
Too fucking true.
Let's not quibble right now.
Let's just sit back and see what happens next.
Okay.
What the fuck? God damn it.
So, how was your day? [ Chuckles .]
You really want to know? Got 10 calls from dad.
Oh.
And I, uh, didn't answer any of them.
That's funny.
Yeah, he didn't -- he didn't call me once.
Oh, he's probably too busy trying to reach me.
What about Candice? No, I did not hear from Candice, shockingly.
Keith dropped a bomb at work today -- before I got in.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Thanks, Keith.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
So, we should probably steer clear of office for a little while? No, unless you want to be gawked at like a sideshow freak, then you should come in.
Oh, got it.
We could use you.
[ Laughing .]
Fuck.
Yeah.
People are dicks.
Seriously.
Yeah, but, I mean, come on.
You knew this would happen.
I mean, we both did.
I mean, we talked about it.
Yeah, I guess.
No, you know You knew.
Because we had a conversation where we talked about this happening if we did this, and now it's happening.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles .]
So, you know, we deal with it.
So just don't say, like, "i guess," okay? All right, I won't.
I'm sorry.
I just -- i need to talk about this, and I just can't have you just, like, shutting me out right now.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
And I'm not shutting you out.
I'm not shutting you out.
Okay.
I'm frustrated, and I'm sorry.
I'm frustrated, too.
Let's be frustrated together, if that's possible.
Absolutely.
Of course.
Okay.
All right.
This will end, right? I mean, people will do their thing, and, you know, we'll talk it through with family and -- and what have you, and you know We'll just deal with it.
But there's more important shit going on in the world than this, right? There is, so At some point, the bullshit's got to stop.
Right? I mean, honestly, i-i don't know.
Okay.
I mean, how could I know? I don't know.
Just fucking lie to me.
I can't do it.
Sorry.
That's what I want to hear.
All right.
Then, thanks.
[ Chuckles .]
Still worth it? Yeah.
Okay, well, don't strike up the banner or anything.
Just -- Jesus.
I -- what? [ Stammers .]
What? What are you saying? I don't even know.
Honestly, nothing.
Well, just tell me what you're saying.
I literally don't even know what I was gonna say.
Say it.
Say what you were gonna say.
Just say it.
Just fucking say it.
Please go away.
Come back.
Hey, be nice.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Can I get a wonton soup and some spring rolls.
I'm sorry.
I'm really hungry -- I'm fucking starving.
You know, I get hungry, and I just get mean.
I know.
You do.
I'm sorry.
[ Laughing .]
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
What -- but what -- what are you saying? I guess, I knew that people would be surprised, okay? Yeah.
Obviously.
And I knew that, you know, they would -- they would be skeptical.
Sure.
Maybe give us six months.
Yeah.
And, you know, we'd get some cold shoulder.
I just am -- I'm blown away by the amount of people that are truly rooting for us to fail, to actively crash and burn here.
No question.
I could have told you that yesterday, or like a year ago, so Okay, well, then I guess I'm just more of an optimist.
Yeah, or you know, dreamer Dumbass.
[ Laughs .]
Hey.
Be serious.
I actually am being serious.
I mean, drew thinks we're insane, that is the best reaction we've had so far.
Right.
And it may be as good as it gets for a very, very, very long time, and maybe forever.
Yeah, okay, I get it.
Actually, I don't -- i don't think you do.
[ Chuckles .]
No.
No, I do.
No, I'm talking even if we stay together and get married or have kids -- I mean, especially if we have kids or we make it to our 50th wedding anniversary, there's gonna be a lot of motherfuckers out there who think we're sick and gross and deserve to just fucking rot in hell.
Billie, okay, I get it.
Hell.
Forever.
Yes, hell.
I get it.
I do.
Good.
You wanted this, remember? Yeah.
You wanted me in your life.
So, this what comes with it.
And for me, too.
So I mean, are you in this? Or not? Take your time.
I'll give you till the appetizers come, how about that? Oh, that's it? Just answer now or never? Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
don't do that to me.
I am doing it, right now.
Well, just don't.
I am.
Billie, please.
What? Jesus.
I thought we were past this.
I mean, when I walked away from you the first time, it was 'cause I wasn't sure, but when I came back, it's 'cause I was sure that I'd go through anything for you and I would do anything for you because I fell in love with you.
So -- so, are you willing to do the same? I am saying that I do love you, and I just need a second to think.
Okay? Sure.
Most people when they say they need a second, they actually mean a little while.
So -- so how much time do you need? I have a stopwatch feature on my phone I'm not doing this.
So you just tell me? Nope, sorry.
How long? I'm not gonna play this game with you, okay? Sorry.
It's too important.
So, let's just take a breather.
Your food is coming.
Thanks.
All right, let's take a breather.
That's a good idea.
Walter: They'll be naming streets after you -- Hildy Johnson street.
There will be statues of you in the park.
The movies will be after you, the radio.
By tomorrow morning, I'll bet you there's a Hildy Johnson cigar.
I can see the billboards now -- "light up with Hildy Johnson.
" Hello? You can't move that desk.
It's crawling with cops outside.
Lower it out the window with pulleys.
Now quit stalling.
Get the typewriter over here.
Come on, start pounding out a lead.
How much of the stuff do you want? All the words you got.
Hello.
Give me Duffy.
Can I call the mayor a bird of prey? How about the time he had his house painted by the fire department? Hello, Duffy? Get Sam.
I've got the biggest story in years.
[ Keys clatter .]
God damn it.
Slob.
Get the fuck out of my fucking room.
Dude, the fuck? Put on some clothes.
Get on the couch.
Get the fuck out of my bed, like I asked you! I was just -- and get the fuck out my apartment first thing in the morning! Fucking asshole.
What? What did you say?! That's what I thought you said! God! This fucking pillow's warm!