Bizaardvark (2016) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Hey! Hey! Okay, physics homework.
"What force is needed "to accelerate a ten kilogram object "three meters per second squared?" I'm supposed to divide the mass, right? No, Paige, you're doing it all wrong.
How do we have the same grade in this class? Ladies, I'd like to call an official Bizaardvark meeting.
In my office.
- You don't have an office.
- Oh.
Don't I? How do I already know this is gonna be bad.
Yup.
Pretty much what I expected.
With this office, we've just become a professional operation.
Oh Yeah.
Wait.
Why did Liam give you an office? Well, he was so excited to have an agent of my caliber in-house, that he insisted I have a place to work.
Remember our deal, Bernie.
You can play pretend agent in here as long as you keep the servers cooled.
No, you're cool.
He clearly didn't say that.
Anyway It's a small price to pay for having such a sweet office.
- (alarm blaring) - Servers overheating.
Servers overheating.
Servers overheating.
Servers overheating.
Servers overheating.
So, as I was saying (alarm resumes) Servers overheating.
Servers overheating.
(theme music plays) Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I Ah, I missed it.
All right, Dareheads! Today, I'm gonna use this jet pack to fly through these electrically charged rings! (electricity crackles) Here we go! Just tell me when it's over.
It's over! (electricity crackles) Dirk: Oh! My body went numb! My bad, it's not over.
Do you ever worry about Dirk? Not really, why? (electricity crackles) Dirk: Oh! My heart feels backwards! Maybe because his heart feels backwards? It seems like his dares are getting more and more dangerous.
(both scream) His feet flew off! Ooh.
Oh, nah, it's just his shoes.
One day, he could get really hurt.
Shouldn't the two of us do something? Yeah.
You call that entertainment? Up the voltage, you wimp! I know! Why don't I give him that career test we took at school? Maybe it'll help him find a new, safer passion.
Paige, don't worry about it.
If Dirk loves doing dares, who are we to stop him? Besides, look how happy he is.
Dare completed.
Hey! Hey! Man: I would love to make this deal, Bernie.
I'm a huge Bizaardvark fan.
Well, you know what they say.
Behind every good comedy team is a handsome agent.
I mean, uh, tell me more about this deal? As network president, I can guarantee the girls their own TV show if they're interested.
Oh, we're interested.
See you in my office on Friday.
And that's why they call me the smoothest agent in town.
(shatters) Wait, was that a real network president talking about giving us a real TV show? Oh was it? Stop doing that.
Bernie, we can't meet in here.
This place is an embarrassing dump and makes us look pathetic.
But This big shot TV dude meets us in here, he's gonna think we're a joke, and we'll lose this deal.
Let's go talk to Liam and demand a real office! Whoa.
This place may be a little rough around the edges, but it's a rock solid office Oh, I went through the wall.
Okay, Dirk, this career test will tell us what other interests you might have besides dangerous dares.
Do we really have to do this? I don't think I live that dangerous of a life.
Well, let's just see Don't drink that, that's liquid nitrogen.
what the test tells us.
Okay, first question.
Do you have any long-term goals? I want to cannonball myself from here to the Pacific Ocean.
Any short-term goals? Buy a cannon.
Doesn't have to be about dares.
Do you have any likes? Dares.
Dislikes? That feeling of existential loneliness we all get as human beings when we contemplate our true place in the universe.
Wow, Dirk.
That was deep.
Also not doing dares.
And we're back.
And finally, do you prefer to have a boss or be your own boss? Have a boss.
But he should tell me what to do in a way that tells me he thinks I might not be able to do it.
So, a dare? I do like dares.
(sighs) That's all 800 questions.
Now let's enter your answers and see the results.
This test believes you should be a daredevil, stuntman, or librarian who does dares on the side? How is that even an option?! Sweet! A toast to the results.
And that's still liquid nitrogen.
By the way, do you have any more of these fun puzzles I can do? What? Dirk, this is my physics homework.
Oh.
I hope you're not mad I did it.
Oh, my gosh.
You You got every problem right.
Dirk, you're a genius! I'm a what? I can't believe it.
How are you so good at physics? It's easy.
You just pop them in the microwave until they're warm.
Dirk, that's fish sticks.
Who do you work for? Wait.
It totally makes sense.
To complete your dares, you'd have to calculate an accurate trajectory and velocity.
Okay, Dareheads.
I'm gonna slingshot that watermelon into my head melon.
Here we go! All right, Dareheads, today we're playing human pool.
Dirk ball, corner pocket.
Here we go! All right, Dareheads.
Today I'm gonna cover my entire body in mustard! Here we go! Well, two out of three.
So you've really never studied physics? No.
I guess it's just something I picked up.
Like eating, or calculus.
You know calculus, too?! Nah.
I just heard you say that word during the career test.
This is amazing.
I gotta bring you to the physics club at my school.
This could be your true calling.
I thought it was "quack-ulus," like duck math.
Don't say that at Physics Club.
I'm sorry.
Why did you put these small pieces of wood under my wheels so I cannot move? Because Bernie would like to give you a presentation about why he deserves an office.
Bernie.
"Why I Should Be Able to Swim Without Floaties" Wrong presentation.
That was for my grandma Let me just exit out of this.
(laughing) That's not Oh, that's going forward.
Pl Please ignore that.
And now my computer's frozen.
I think I've seen enough.
You've seen enough? He made me take the pictures.
Come on, Liam.
Isn't there a different office, like a studio or conference room we can use? Don't worry.
I think I have an idea that will satisfy everyone.
Do you think Liam respects me? The head of a TV network is coming here in two days.
I don't wanna lose this deal.
(wheels whirring) Listen.
I think I can hear Liam's office through the vent.
How can you tell it's Liam? Liam: Ugh.
I'm so unhappy.
Just a hunch.
Hey! Hey! and that equals zero.
Excuse me, Ms.
Tyson.
Paige Olvera? In Physics Club? That's like finding a translucent body in Babinet's Principle.
(laughing) Yes, that's hilarious.
And you know I don't get it.
But I'm not here for me.
I brought a friend I think will fit in with you guys.
Whoo! Who ordered the Dirk burger, with a side of Dirk fries, and a Dirk shake? See what I did there? It's my name, with food.
This gentleman comprehends physics? Tell me, what is the first law of thermodynamics? Um, don't steal thermodynamics? Well, thanks for wasting our time, Paige.
Why don't you make like a linear actuator You can stop.
I'm not gonna get it.
Can you please just give him a chance? Dirk, you wanna try a problem? Cool.
This reminds me of a dare where I jumped out of a hot air balloon.
Really now? I know there's a fwoop of like 9.
81 thingamabobs.
You mean gravity? Sure.
We can use made-up words.
Oh, and I know that it's gonna take six here-we-gos before this object falls at maximum fast.
Terminal velocity? Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, and I know that the "wham" is the same as, like, the Dirk weight times the Dirk speed.
That's Newton's Second Law of Motion.
Force equals mass times acceleration.
Sweet.
So divide this bro, carry this guy, and you get this dude.
That's actually correct.
And he's never even studied physics.
Let me get this straight.
You just intuitively learned physics? The same principles that took history's brightest minds centuries to discover? I can also fit these outer space balls in my mouth.
Would you like to stick around and solve more problems with us? (mumbles) I don't know Come on, Dirk.
You're really good at this, and I bet you'll have fun.
Safe fun.
Okay.
Who wants to hear about the time I shot out of a giant syrup bottle into the world's biggest pancake dressed as a blueberry? Hey! Hey! I don't know, Grandma, it just itches.
If I knew why, I wouldn't be asking! Uh, no Ashley I don't have time for more kisses right now.
Were you just in the wall? Yeah.
I found a way through the vents in Liam's office.
Take a look at this.
Oh, I'm The captain of the ship, and I like to crack the whip When I'm sailing on the seas (gasps) Captain, there's trouble afoot! Well, better trouble afoot than trouble ahand.
Haha! Ba-dum, ching, And the audience laughs.
It would be a real shame if this footage made it onto the Internet.
Right, Bernie? Why does Liam have an office? He's a robot.
Bernie, focus.
And why is there a turkey sandwich in here? And how is it half-eaten? Bernie! We'll delete this footage on one condition: you give us this office.
And this sandwich.
I'm helping.
Oh, boo and hoo.
You think I'm scared of two tweenagers trying to blackmail me? Ladies and gentlemen! If you like pointing and you like laughing, you're gonna love Liam! Oh, I'm All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right! All right, all right, I'll give you my office! Just don't show everyone.
It would be so embarrassing.
Also, I was dreadfully off-key.
Hey, Dirk, I got your text.
What's up? I think it's pretty obvious.
Uh I'm applying what I learned in Physics Club to this dare that I've been dying to do where I shoot myself out of a nitrogen-powered launcher, onto a tiny trampoline, then bounce up to dunk a basketball, all while hot coals are flung at me by a pitching machine.
Oh, man.
But my calculations tell me there's a 99% chance I'll get hurt.
You were right, Paige.
I guess I shouldn't do crazy dares anymore.
Whoo! Who ordered the Kirk burger? With a side of Kirk fries? And a Kirk shake? See what I did there? I introduced myself.
Hi, I'm Dirk's brother, Kirk.
Dirk and Kirk? Do you have a sister named Smirk? Who do you work for? So I take it you do dares, too? Haha! I wish.
I could never do what this guy does.
I mean, look at me.
I'm not built for it.
So, when's the big nitrogen-launcher- trampoline-basketball-hot-coals dare? Sorry Kirk, but thanks to Paige, I'm not doing dangerous dares anymore.
Only safe ones.
What have you done to DareMeBro?! Now there's nobody to do the leapfrog dare! Or the backflip dare! And there's not a person alive who can do the banana split dare! You broke Dirk! So we totally blackmailed Liam, and now we get to use his office for this big TV meeting.
Oh, and guess where Liam is.
(alarm blares) Servers overheating.
Servers overheating.
I have hit rock bottom.
(laughing) That's hilarious.
Speaking of funny stories, I helped Dirk find a safer hobby, but now he's miserable and has no zest for life.
(laughs) - That's not funny.
- Yeah, that's what I thought, too.
I don't know what to do.
I mean, Dirk's upset, but maybe that's okay, 'cause at least he'll be safe.
But you made Dirk give up the one thing he loved most in life.
Think how you would feel if someone pushed us to stop singing funny songs.
This is a song about a Russian farmer who worked for months, but could only harvest one radish.
And then a bird took it.
It was another dark winter For Vladimir You're right.
I gotta fix Dirk.
Wait.
If we get this TV deal, what kind of a show do you think we should do? Animated comedy about dog valets.
(gasps) We'll call it "Parallel Barkers.
" Great.
Go fix Dirk! There must be something in here I can use to blackmail this little twerp.
Bernie: I'm so cool and popular, I'm gonna be six feet tall That's what my doctor says, that's what my doctor says Woman: How To Gain Self-Confidence.
Chapter 43.
By now, you've learned to start sentences with confident phrases like, "He-hey!" and punctuate wins with words like, "Yeah!" Yeah.
Now let's move on to inner confidence.
Say something you're embarrassed about, but say it with confidence! My grandma still makes me sit in a car seat! A-ha! I got you now! Oh, shoot I mean He-hey, Liam.
Hey Bernie, what's Aww, what happened? My grandma still makes me sit in a car seat! (laughing) I know we're gonna lose this office, but you should totally post that.
Hey, after you're done surprising me, maybe you can help me with my next dare: eating a sensible amount of carrots.
Oh, wow, the lounge! No, Dirk, look.
The nitrogen launcher-trampoline- basketball-hot-coals dare.
You you set this up for me? But it's too dangerous.
Yeah, but I adjusted the physics of your dare so that instead of a 99% chance of injury, now it's only 87%.
Ahem.
Well, Ms.
Tyson adjusted the physics.
But she said I'm getting extra credit for helping.
I did not agree to that.
It wasn't my place to tell you what's best for your life.
If you love doing dares, I'm not gonna stop you.
Thanks, Paige.
I dedicate this next dare to the 13% chance I don't break every bone in my body.
Here we go! (cheering) You're a good person, Paige.
Just tell me when it's over.
- It's over.
- Nice try.
Launch the hot coals! (gasping) (applause) Dare completed! (cheering) This is what I live for! Yeah! Thanks, everybody.
But you should be clapping for Paige.
Aww.
Because with the new physics knowledge she introduced me to, now I can do even bigger and more dangerous dares! Well, I tried.
(applause) My turn! Kirk: Wait, I don't know physics! (cheering) Hey! Hey! Hey, did I tell you guys I put a mini-fridge in here? Oh! That's a dead rat.
He-hey! You must be Bizaardvark.
I'm Earl Squirrelson.
Wow, this is a great office! You have a mini-fridge? Oh-ho, fancy.
You're the guy we're meeting? Yeah.
You said he was the head of a TV network? Yup.
Chief of broadcast operations, Tarzana Community College.
I video tape all their basketball games, but I'm looking to expand into comedy.
(phone rings) Oh.
Grandma, I'm in a meeting.
Yes, I used the medicated shampoo.
My hot fiancé.
So? We're doing business or what? I like this guy.