Black Dynamite (2009) s01e07 Episode Script

1x07 - Apocalypse, This! or For the Pity of Fools, a.
k.
a Flashbacks are Forever Ha ha ha.
One more, and I break the bank.
Oh, dear Duty calls.
Keep those warm for me and the Dice, too.
Get it? I was talking about your titties.
Quick, I don't have much time.
You must retrieve the secret formula.
We must get our hands on it - before the americans do.
Now - I know.
Find the rogue agent, infiltrate his militia, steal the secret formula, get caught, face impending doom, - blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- Exactly, James! But if you already knew that, why have me come here? Merely so I can have the satisfaction of doing this.
You're the man now, Dawg! Well, I'm afraid you've cleaned me out.
I've got no more money unless I can give you something else, mister Dynamite.
Black Dynamite.
And, lady, offering Black Dynamite "something else" is like offering the jolly green giant some frozen niblets.
Unless you got something - special, miss - Morehead.
Givinya Morehead.
- Hmm.
How much "more head" we talkin'? - Black Dynamite, what are you doing here? I thought you were no longer [bleep.]
with the undercover spy - honkies from the CIA? - I'm not.
Right now I'm [bleep.]
with these dice.
Now if you don't mind, I got some bread to win.
- Oh! See! - Well, Black Dynamite, it seems that you're - halfway amazing, but all the way man.
- Miss Morehead! Have you lost your mind?! This was my game, and she's with me.
Was with you.
Your bitch chose me.
Now we can handle this like we got some class, or we can get into some gangster [bleep.]
whatever-your-name-is.
- It's Bond, James Bond! You bloody well remember! - Yeah, how could I forget? You're the second "Bond, James Bond" I met tonight.
- I say, old chai, I am Bond, James Bond.
- [bleep.]
you, Roger Moore! I am Bond, James Bond.
There can be only one! All right, ladies, Black Dynamite just got one rule.
Now, if any of y'all happen to be awake in the morning when I'm getting dressed, don't wake up the rest of the bitches.
This week Yeah! Ha! David Carradine's like a Chinese Chuck Norris.
Black Dynamite! How was the french Riviera? You know, Bond, James Bond, bitches, craps and [bleep.]
you know, the usual.
- What the [bleep.]
is that smell? - That would be me and my new bottom-bitch barbecue recipe for this year's annual world-championship barbecue competition! Uh, n-no, thank you, Bee.
I already threw up earlier.
- Uh, hey, what y'all watching? - Only the baddest Chinese cat to ever walk the Earth with a black belt and some sandals.
"Kung Fu" with David Carradine! Boy, anybody would be in a world of pain if they ever messed with - mother [bleep.]
Kwai Chang Caine! - He taught me everything I know.
Just the thought of fighting him makes my penis retract into my body.
And if anybody that can do that to my penis in my body, they got to be the real Kung Fu master! Now that's a bunch of bull [bleep.]
that ain't no Kung Fu, and he ain't no Chinaman.
And it wasn't even supposed to be his slow white ass anyway.
The series was created by Bruce Lee, but the man stole it from him and cast a cracker, just like they did Jesus.
Now, Cream Corn, you want to learn some real Kung Fu, follow me.
Honey Bee, is this barbecue, or some [bleep.]
you just [bleep.]
either way, please take these baby back, baby back, babyback ribs back! Cream Corn, the time has come for you to learn your own Kung Fu.
That way, you won't have to use that Chinese white man's no more.
We're gonna start with some basic [bleep.]
, some self-defense that even a whore or an orphan could do.
Little orphan Penny, I need a volunteer.
Ha! You expect me to spar with lil' orphan? [ laughs .]
Now, Penny, I want you to pretend Cream Corn stole your mama.
Come on, Black Dynamite, you got to Well done, little orphan Penny.
Now, Cream Corn, the nuts are a common place for a defenseless orphan to kick a grown-ass man.
Now, you must protect your nuts at all times, no matter how minute or hairless they are.
Wait.
Hold on a minute.
Now, everybody be cool.
Honey Bee, are those your ribs again or does Black Dynamite smell trouble? Sueeey! Suey! Suey! Sueeey! What? Suey! Black Dynamite, heh I see that roundhouse kick still packs a punch.
Dennis Flynn, what did Black Dynamite tell you honkies from the CIA about interrupting his Kung Fu? Uhhh, nothing, Black Dynamite.
You've told us not to ever interrupt your seductions, your interrogations, and your jumping of rope, but never your Kung Fu.
- That might have been someone else.
- Well, from now on, add my Kung Fu to the honkies from the CIA's list of [bleep.]
not to interrupt, ya dig? Very well.
Black Dynamite, this is about 'Nam! A.
K.
A.
Vietnam, A.
K.
A.
Nam, A.
K.
A.
Vietnam.
Yeah, good old Vietnams.
I remember all four of those places like it was yesterday.
The fighting, the jungle, the guns! It was like a dream.
I can still smell the shrapnel! That ain't shrapnu'.
I think that's Honey Bee's barbecue agggh! Look, I know how much you miss Vietnam, Black Dynamite, and we pulled the plug before you could do the impossible, which we already know you're capable of, but we need you, Black Dynamite.
We need you to go back to Vietnam.
- Black Dynamite, what's Vietnam? - A question a child might ask, but not a childish question.
Still, Penny, Black Dynamite's gonna need you to shut the [bleep.]
up when grown folks is talking, okay? Now, Dennis Flynn, I know I thought I told you honkies a lot of [bleep.]
but this, I know I told you.
Black Dynamite ain't [bleep.]
with you honkies from the CIA no more! This isn't about the honkies or what you told us, Black Dynamite! It's about this! My best friend in 'Nam, Larry Tureaud, may his soul rest in peace.
No, he's not resting, and he's far from in peace.
In fact, he is waging his own war on the Vietcong out in the jungle.
That's impossible.
Larry shot himself in his own head playing russian roulette, then they hung him with his own - intestines and dropped him in quicksand.
- He got better.
He wasted the Charlies holding him hostage, ate them with the help of some homemade barbecue sauce, and now he's considered like a barbecue god to the jungle people.
Damn, that must be some good-ass barbecue sauce.
We've sent honky upon honky to try to find Tureaud.
They've all come back in body bags, limbs missing with traces of barbecue sauce on them.
He wants to restart the Vietnam war, and he's building his own army to do it.
Black Dynamite, only you can find him and terminate him with extreme vengeance! Black Dynamite don't terminate his friends.
Can you dig it? Especially those he thought was already terminated and then later found out they was still alive! Well, if you don't, Black Dynamite, the government is going to napalm the entire jungle! And that friend of yours will be barbecued to a crisp! Damn, Dennis Flynn, you sho' know how to twist the arm in Black Dynamite's heart and make him say uncle.
But that don't change what I'm about to say.
I know, I know.
"Scram," you say, "scram.
" You're making a big mistake, Black Dynamite.
I guess this will make the second time you left him for dead again.
I don't know what all that was about, but I need to know what was in that damn barbecue sauce.
What does he mean you left him for dead? Tureaud was like my brother from another mother.
Also with different siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, and uncles, etc.
, etc.
.
but he was great soldier and a friend.
Until that fateful day Tureaud! - Should we wait for him? - Hell no! That [bleep.]
dead! Black Dynamite is going back to 'Nam to save his friend for that reason and that reason only.
That way, I won't be technically [bleep.]
with - the honkies from the CIA no more.
- Well, I guess we going to Vietnam then 'cause I'm wanna find out what was in that damn barbecue sauce.
We?! Did you say "we"?! The hell you say! Viet and nam, hell and no.
I won't go.
Cream Corn, get your little narrow ass into some man fatigues and stop acting like a little bitch.
I ain't acting, Honey Bee! These tears are for real! Round up the troops and sound the alarm! I say good night to L.
A.
And go-o-o-o-od morning, Vietnam! Dah-dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dah-dah! Da-da-da-da! Man, helicopters just ain't my thing, jack.
I keep having these horrible nightmares where I'm in a chopper and it blows up and kills me and Black Dynamite screams, "Cream Corn, noooo!" Whoever said you can't die in your own dreams is a [bleep.]
liar! Honey Bee, I'm gonna need you to get my back and shoulders.
Now, Vietnam maybe a day at the beach for Black Dynamite, but it could be a tsunami at the beach for y'all.
So, you got to be careful.
- I know.
That's right.
- Suey! Jaah! Sueeey! Black Dynamite!! - Black Dynamite! Black Dynamite!! - Sorry, Bee! I must have just been having a flashback to this one time when my parachute wouldn't deploy and everybody Black Dynamite! This ain't no flashback! No-o-o-o-o! Oh! Now that's some [bleep.]
I wish I didn't see.
No more cheese doodles for me, crunchy or puffy! I guess when you [bleep.]
around, you really have - to [bleep.]
around.
- Woman, 'til you go curved, - you ain't never been served.
- You need to put a cast on that little bald, broke dick of yours.
Hush! Y'all be cool.
You gonna give away our location.
You all right? You know you almost killed us with that flashback.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
In the past, I have had nothing but pleasant dreams about 'Nam.
I don't understand what happened, but don't worry.
- Everything will be just fine.
- From that display, I'd say, "and everything will not be just fine.
" It looks like you got some cold-blooded jungle memories locked way back in the back of your mind! I hope I ain't crazy and my mind ain't lost, but I can swear I smell some - sweet and tangy barbecue sauce! - Hmm.
Tureaud must be close by.
Mmm! Oh, my lord and buddha, this is the best damned barbecue sauce ever! I mean, this barbecue sauce [bleep.]
all over mine! Ooh, I think that's honey dijon! Oh, please.
What? Y'all ain't seen nobody eat some barbecue sauce off a skull in the jungle before? Now listen, Honey Bee, while I'm thinking of something to tell you that won't have you making any sudden movements - Don't make any sudden movements.
- I got a booger in - my nose or something? - Girl, you got a snake on your head! Oh, my god, it's an anaconda! Black Dynamite! Nothing like a good old grenade to have handy when you getting swallowed by a by a giant anaconda.
Aah! Black Dynamite, what was that?! Man, that don't sound like no monkey or no or no jungle cat.
BD Black Dynamite in parentheses just what the hell was that? Not a what, Bullhorn, but a who, a how, and a why.
I get the feeling we being watched.
And, Cream Corn, you gonna need to get the [bleep.]
off my back.
Um, isn't there a tunnel or something we can take? I can't explain why, but somehow I know we have to go this way.
Maybe I should make sure it's safe first.
Tureaud! Tureaud! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to leave you! And why the [bleep.]
do you look like Cream Corn? Damn it! Not again! Bullhorn, Honey Bee! They're gone! Face it, Black Dynamite, your luck with friends in the jungles of Vietnam is pretty [bleep.]
why don't we just do like the army did and quit while we still behind? Snap out of it, Cream Corn.
Now, I already left my best friend for dead the first time I was here, and I'll be damned if I lose any more! Now, can you dig it, huh? Can you dig it?! I'm sorry, Cream Corn, but right now, Black Dynamite's mind is all tangled in jungle vines.
Wait, Black Dynamite, that's it.
You are having a severe anxiety disorder that has developed after exposure to an event that has resulted in psychological trauma.
So, you are re-experiencing - trauma with Turducken through flashbacks! - You mean Tureaud.
Well, since you know so much [bleep.]
about so much [bleep.]
- how do I get rid of these flashbacks? - The only way to overcome them is to confront what happened to you and learn to accept it as a part of your past.
But the pain is too much, Cream Corn.
And a real man buries his pain so nobody can see it.
If you try to numb yourself and push your memories away, it'll just get worse.
I know you think kicking somebody's ass in the dick is the answer to everything, Black Dynamite, and usually it is.
But right now, you just kicking your own ass in the dick.
Sometimes, you just got to let it all out and look like a bitch.
- Works for me.
- Cream Corn, thank you.
- Why the [bleep.]
do you got your arms out? - Never mind.
- Thought we had a moment.
- Now we need to find Tureaud and make things right.
And in return for me not killing you in the midst of a flashback, I'm a need you to do me a favor and grow some hair on your balls.
Ass and barbecue.
Cream Corn, let's go see what's cookin'.
Well, if it is barbecued ass as hungry as I am, I'm gonna eat it all.
Honey Bee, who would have ever thought our lives would be lost in damn Vietnam in a pot of boiling barbecue sauce? Ooh.
Damn! Barbecue, Honeybee, and Bullhorn don't taste that bad.
Who would have thunk? Damn, BD, it sure is funky inside this camel.
By the way, you know camels ain't indigenous to the jungles We got to Free Honey Bee and Bullhorn before they lose all they flavor.
My name is Black Dynamite.
I'm looking for Larry Tureaud.
Also goes by Lawrence.
Have you seen him? I said, my name is Black Dynamite! I'm looking for Larry Tureaud.
He also goes by Lawrence! Have you seen him?! Black Dynamite, I shouldn't tell you this, but since you saved my life in that hut years ago you know the one with the ceiling fan and my leg Hey, look who it is.
It's Buku Sow! I was wondering what happened to you.
I probably should've got your little Chinese legs and feet off that ceiling fan, but you understand, it it was a war, I had to go, people were waiting on me.
It's okay, really.
And I'm not Chinese, but there's little time.
Colonel Tureaud - Ugh! - No! Buku Sow! My best friend in 'Nam, Larry Tureaud? Is that you? Larry Tureaud died in the jungle, fool.
Call me Mr.
T.
First name Mister.
Middle name period.
Last name "T"! You look crazy as hell, but I got to admit, - too much gold looks good on you.
- It's the people meat! Unlike pork, chicken, and other animal and vegetable proteins your body can't use, people provide essential proteins that are beneficial to people 'cause well, they're people.
But I must admit, the white meat is a little dry.
Hmmm.
Mr.
T.
, I don't care how nutritious people are.
You can't go around barbecuing humans like they chicken.
- But they taste like chicken, fool! - Really? I mean, I heard that frog's legs taste like chicken but, uh, I didn't but but that's beside the point.
Now, I know these jungles done drove you crazy ever since I left you behind, but I need to apologize so I can stop having these flashbacks.
Left me behind? I stayed behind, fool! What you talking 'bout, Mr.
T? You soldiers gone soft! America gone soft, so I got harder! They killed our whole team except for me and you, BD! But the war never ended for Mr.
T! Hmm! Well, look.
If I don't get your ass out of here tonight, the government's gonna barbecue this whole jungle.
- Can you dig - Enough with all this jibber-jabber! Mr.
T ain't going nowhere.
Either you with T, or you against T.
Now, what's it gonna be, Black Dynamite? What the hell you do that for? I was tasting good! Ha! There they are! My two best soldiers together again! Dennis Flynn, what are you doing here? The real reason why I needed to find you, Tureaud First name Mister, middle name period, last name "T".
Ehh, yeah was so I could get my hands on that sweet and tangy barbecue sauce of his.
Hell, it was so good I couldn't wait til the honkies from the CIA came back dead and dipped in it.
I would lick it right off their skulls.
I told y'all it was good.
With your sauce and my thievery, I'm a sure shot for this year's championship - barbecue competition.
- Wait.
You brought my ass back to the Chinese jungles of Vietnam for some damn barbecue sauce? I mean, why the hell else would the CIA spend all these resources to find a crazy negro soldier in the jungle eating - barbecue-covered Vietnamese villagers? - Dennis Flynn, you backstabbin', manipulatin', barbecue boostin' mother [bleep.]
! You set us up! I pity the fool that tries to take Mr.
T's tangy barbecue recipe away from Mr.
T! Come on, Black Dynamite, for old time's sake, let's give this honky from the CIA a flashback his ass will never forget! Kill them all! Suey! Titty technique.
Nipple in your face! Black Dynamite, you the man.
I mean I mean, we all men, but we all can't man up.
Maybe I can, but maybe I can't.
Cream Corn! If Black Dynamite can face his fears, then I guess I can put some hair on my balls.
Suey! Just like old times, Black Dynamite.
Just like old times.
Oh, my goodness, guys! Y'all are alive! And my van's alive, too! Yeah.
When we found out BD came to find you, we figured we'd kill two birds, ya dig? We're gonna travel the world as mercenaries who give wrong-doers just really minor injuries.
- Whaddaya say fellas join us? - I don't know, Hannibal.
All your jibber-jabber sounds really good and all, but I don't think America has a place for a growling black man with a Mandinka haircut, feathers in his ears, a neck full of gold, camo shorts, and tube socks up to his knees.
I ain't the same, Black Dynamite.
I've changed.
Well, lucky for you, America's changed, too, Mr.
T.
Black alpha males have a voice now.
Jim Brown and Muhammad Ali are role models who don't take [bleep.]
from the man.
Hell, George Clinton got the hottest band in the country and he even dresses even worse than you.
Think of it like this if you ever get a hankering for barbecued villagers, you always got an exotic getaway to come back to.
Mmm, mmm.
And if you market that barbecue sauce of yours, you'll make millions.
I almost didn't mind being cooked in it.
I love cooking people, but I guess I can try cookin' for people instead, Honey Bee.
Hannibal, let's get one thing straight ain't no way I'm flying.
Let's take my van, and I'm driving', fool! - I love it when a plan comes together.
- Mr T.
, all the crates! All of the barbecue sauce is gone! Thank you, Black Dynamite for leading us to Mr T.
's secret recipe.
And it seems we may have awakened the rest of your bitches! Later, baby.
Damn it, James Bondses! Stay in your own damn franchise! Look, Black Dynamite! Lo and behold, I grew one! I'm gonna put this under my pillow for the hairy fairy.